The Forum - Vol. 186 - Chastity

Hi all.  I hope you had a great Christmas holiday, at least for those of you who celebrate it.  Ours was a little hectic trying to work in so much with friends and family.  But, it's all good.  I'm now trying really hard not to do much resembling real work.  It hasn't been an entirely successful effort, but I will keep trying.

We had another poll close recently.  It asked, "Does your DD or FLR relationship include enforced chastity or orgasm denial?"  Here are the results:
 

Yes             47 (52%) No             42 (47%)

As I believe Alan pointed out, the question was a little vague regarding whether just being told not to have an orgasm constitutes it being "enforced," and I followed up that for purposes of this poll it should be.  Hopefully the above "yes" votes include most situations in which a Disciplinary Wife or HoH dictates to her husband when or under what conditions he is allowed to have an orgasm, regardless of whether she takes other steps like a chastity device. 

As when I first raised this topic about two years ago, it is one I am going to have to throw to the group and hope they drive the conversation.  Chastity, enforced or otherwise, is not part of our relationship and it's something neither of us have had any real interest in pursuing.  If anything, we're frustrated at how often work and other commitments and the general busyness of life prevent us from having sex more often.  She has also never voiced any concern over any "solo" activity.  So, the first time I raised this topic I had absolutely no interest in it, but recognized that others did.  In fact, according to the above poll, slightly more than half of those who responded are practicing chastity or orgasm denial in some form or other.

I still have no actual experience regarding this topic, but I have been more open to it recently.  Part of the change in attitude is linked to our conscious effort to move our relationship further toward the FLR end of the spectrum as opposed to DD only.  If she had an interest in imposing chastity on me, I would try to comply.  I also just try to keep an open mind about things that may not appeal to me initially but that seem to do something for other people.   In fact, I could characterize the whole service aspect of FLR in that way -- it isn't something that comes naturally to me or that I enjoy per se, but I do see certain benefits to it.  Also with respect to chastity in particular, I have explored some books on Tantra, and orgasm denial or "semen retention" is recommended by some Tantra practitioners.  So, a few months ago I gave it a try in a very limited way, denying myself any kind of solo sexual activity.  The results were mixed.  I did feel an initial increase in my level of sexual or erotic energy, but that seemed to taper off pretty quickly.  But, it was a very limited experiment and I don't draw any real conclusions from it.

So, let's explore it a bit more.  Is enforced chastity or orgasm denial part of your relationship?  If so,  how does it work?  What do you and your partner get out of it?  If it's not currently part of your relationship, would you like it to be?  If so, why?  If it is part of your relationship, which of you asked for or imposed it.

I have also posted a couple of new polls, both going to my never-ending fascination with how we came to be interested in these kind of relationships.  These two try to get at whether our need today for rules and structures relates to the extent to which we had those when we were kids.  We'll make that the topic of a future discussion once the polls close.

I hope you all have a great New Years!  Be safe out there!

Dan

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays

Hello all. Welcome back on this Christmas Eve.  I thought about doing a topic today but decided to focus on those things I hope all of you are enjoying -- family, friends (whether the in-person or Internet variety), searching for that final "just right" gift, or just hanging out and enjoying the time off.  I will probably post a real topic on Monday.  Until then . . .

MR. AND MRS. DISCIPLINED HUBBY 

HOPE YOU ALL

AND

 

AND THAT SANTA, IN WHATEVER FORM 

YOU LIKE

 

BRINGS YOU WHAT YOU RICHLY DESERVE

 

WHETHER YOU HAVE BEEN

 GOOD

 OR BAD

OR A BIT OF BOTH

AND REGARDLESS OF WHICH SIDE OF THE PADDLE 

YOU MAY PREFER TO BE ON

 

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to each and every one of you.  Thank you to all of our regulars for your participation and friendship over this year.  Be merry and safe.  

The Forum - Vol. 185 - All I Want for Christmas . . .

Hello all. Welcome back to the Forum -- our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a great week. 

Personally, I think I have officially run out of gas for 2016.  Work has finally slowed down a little, but only after a crescendo of travel that included flying from coast to coast and up and down one coast over the course of a single week. And every place I went was gray, rainy and cold.  The one bright spot also turned into a mixed bag, and I'm relating this only because it bears a little on last week's topic. 

A couple of weeks ago, I set a new goal for myself, which was to give up drinking wine.  I've noticed that when I have a night that gets a little out of control where imbibing is concerned, or when I wake up feeling like crap even when I didn't have all that much to drink, 9 times out of 10 wine was the drink of choice or a very significant part of the mix.  It's just too easy to drink too much of it, and it seems to hit my system so fast that I go right from stone cold sober to very buzzed without a chance to moderate.  So, I decided to just stop drinking it.  And, I did so for about two weeks, avoiding it even at a work-related dinner where every other person was drinking wine.  I instead sipped a couple of beers and let everyone else think whatever they thought about my relative level of sophistication.  So, I was feeling pretty good about myself, tracking my day-to-day progress on an app I use to track various habits and goals and congratulating myself as I saw the number of consecutive days without wine growing and growing.  Then, at the tail-end of my travels, I went out to dinner with a business contact, and I was again good, sticking to beer, though we had three or four.  The problem happened when I went back to the hotel.  It is a small place and very into creating a "home like" ambiance for their guests, which usually includes a couple of open bottles of wine at the front desk.  The clerk offered me a glass as I was checking in, and without thinking about it at all, I had one!  We chatted for awhile, and she refilled my glass again and I took it up to my room, and it was only as I was finishing the second glass that I remembered my "no wine" pledge.  It literally did not occur to me once as I was consuming those glasses, even though just the day before I had been patting myself on the back about the self-discipline I was showing!  I was really, truly furious with myself for once again not even thinking about a rule before I broke it!  Now, this rule had been self-imposed, but my wife had in fact imposed a variant of it by banning me from a particular type of wine that seems to do particularly bad things to me.  But, it illustrated perfectly the problem we talked about last week of blazing right past a rule without even making the conscious decision to break it.  Damn, damn, damn. 

Well, on to more pleasant topics.  As I said last week in one of the comments, I am a Christmas junkie.  Despite usually being totally worn out and more than a little overwhelmed by the social commitments, I do love this time of year.  I love watching the old animated Christmas movies and It's a Wonderful Life.  I love coming home and seeing the lights on the houses and all the lawn decorations adorning the yards on our block.  I even like walking through the mall trying to find that perfect gift for each particular someone on my list.  Which brings us to this week's topic:

What if, if anything, would you like to get or give for Christmas or for the new year that is FLR or DD related?  A new paddle or strap, perhaps?  Maybe some naughty little DD or FLR accessory?  Or, maybe it's not a thing you want or need at all, but better or different behavior or some new DD or FLR practice? 

For us, there are a couple of things that come to mind. I did get her a new custom-made paddle.  I wanted something that was unique to her, so she'll be getting that as a stocking stuffer.  On the less material front, we have been talking a while about doing a DD and FLR "boot camp" and things were just so busy this year that it never happened.  I would like to remedy that in the near future, if not this month then early in 2017.

How about you? What do you want Santa to bring you, or what do you want to give your partner to celebrate the season or get 2017 off on the right FLR or DD footing. If you are planning a DD or FLR present, can you let people know where you got it?  I've tried to stay away from recommending commercial sites on this blog, to avoid the appearance I might be endorsing them and, frankly, to avoid disclosing personally identifiable information, but it is also good to direct newcomers to places where they can find high-quality or unique DD implements and accessories.

I hope you all have a great week.  I do think I will be blogging next weekend, but just in case there is a holiday interruption, if we don't talk, have a great holiday! 

If you are new to this Forum, please take a minute to fill out our Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about yourself and your DD or FLR relationship or aspirations. 

The Forum - Vol. 184 - Preventative Spankings

"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." -- Benjamin Franklin

Hello all. Welcome back to The Forum - Disciplined Husbands and Disciplinary Wives, our weekly gathering of men and women who are participating in or interested in being in a Domestic Discipline or FLR relationship.  I hope you had a good week.

Our own DD and FLR momentum continues to be checked by the irresistible force of these nasty cold/flu bugs that are going around.  I've had mine for 13 days and, while feeling slightly better, it is still holding on tenaciously.  My wife has also been pummeled by it, so we are coughing, sniffling, not very pleasant to see or hear mess right now, and neither of us has the slightest interest in anything FRL related right now.  Being sick also tends to slow me down a bit on the bad behavior front, and I managed to make it through a lengthy business trip with colleagues without over-indulging or committing any other work-related bad acts.  Though, if we were keeping a strict tally, I am still owed some major discipline from a week ago, thanks to my workplace's annual holiday party, which for reasons unknown set a new bar this year for people toasting the season in high spirits.

Preventing such party-related bad behavior is part of this week's topic.  Last week, Alan brought up the topic of "preventative spankings," characterizing and illustrating their effect as follows:

"These are spankings administered before parties or events in which historically my behavior had earned me a spanking after the fact. Her reasoning was that if she was going to have to spank me eventually, she would prefer to avoid the behavior and get it done before rather than afterward. Most preventatives are done several hours before a party or we get into the car to travel and designed to give me a warm bottom that reminds me what could happen. With one unforgettable exception this does work to prevent really bad public behavior. It does not always make my behavior perfect but I am careful enough that she is satisfied.There are now three or four of these scheduled before holiday events and they have become so routine she actually often puts them on the calendar.This gets to your point about that second ( or third) drink just pushing the reality of future punishment out of your mind.) The reality of punishment is very much on your mind after a recent spanking ( For me that feeling lasts at least two or three days) So sipping your drinks, avoiding family confrontations and boorish behavior is much easier.'

We have never engaged in this kind of preventative discipline, and I used to think it was not very consistent with Domestic Discipline, since it involved punishing before anything had even happened.  But, Alan's comment has me rethinking it.  (Something I love about this blog,  by the way.  My assumptions and predilections often get challenged and I'm forced to rethink some of my shoot-from-the-hip reactions.) As I explained in last week's post, even after a decade of Domestic Discipline it is not uncommon for me to just kind of blaze right through the behavior limits she has set without even thinking about the possible consequences.  Socially-induced amnesia of a sort.  But, I can see how a spanking before the event could serve as an ongoing reminder of the much more severe one that might be coming if I misbehave.

I can foresee some practical problems, however.  For example, because we both have substantial commutes from work to home, and social events are often scheduled near work or at colleagues homes, one or both of us often go directly from work to the event, so we often arrive separately at holiday parties and work-related events, without first having time alone at home.  For those occasions, a preventative spanking would probably need to happen the night before the event, and I don't know if that would still be effective. Or, it might have to be a full-blown punishment spanking sufficient to leave me sore enough the next day to still serve as an ongoing reminder during the party.

So, for this week's topic, have you used preventative spankings?  Have they worked to prevent problem behaviors?  What are the logistical challenges and how have you overcome them?  If you haven't used them, do you think they might be worth trying?

Also, if you haven't filled out our pending poll on whether chastity and orgasm denial is a part of your DD or FLR relationship, please take a minute to do so.  As Alan pointed out, the reference to "enforced" chastity is potentially confusing, and my intent was that it cover things like chastity devices but also simply being ordered not to masturbate or otherwise told not to have an orgasm.

I hope you have a great week.  If your are new to this Forum, please take a few minutes to visit our Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a bit about your DD or FLR relationship or aspirations.

The Forum - Vol. 183 - "Worth it" and Political Recap

“Every time you break the law you pay, and every time you obey the law you pay.” -- John Gardner

Hi all.  Welcome back to The Forum - Disciplined Husbands & Disciplinary Wives.  I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving.  I was hoping to come back from our break and vacation a little better rested and rejuvenated.  I also hoped to use the break to get back on track with some of the goals I set for myself at the beginning of the year and on which I've made little or no progress thanks to not doing much other than work.  I thought I accomplished all that and was hoping to get back and hit the gym with more vigor, hit my job with more enthusiasm, and get my butt hit by my wife harder and more frequently if I didn't do those things, then we both got pummeled with some nasty bug. Seems to be shaping up to be another bad cold and flu season, but I guess I can be thankful for getting mine out of the way relatively early.

So, it's certainly been an interesting few weeks.  Regardless of how you personally feel about the U.S. election, we are where we are.  Based on our poll results, it may be that a majority of our readers are happier than others.  The results were:

Democrat	27 (28%)
Republican	38 (39%)
Independent	21 (21%)
Libertarian	6 (6%)
Green	4 (4%)
Other	0 (0%)

 But, people did not exactly vote the party-line this time.  Instead, here are how folks actually voted:

Republican	44 (45%)
Democrat	40 (41%)
Libertarian	5 (5%)
Green	3 (3%)
Other	3 (3%)
Didn't vote	2 (2%)

Now, one observation on the actual vote tally is our readership is either more politically inclined than the general population, or they lie like a rug, because a hell of a lot more than 2% of the population didn't vote at all.

Regarding party affiliation, the results are not wildly different from those in a similar poll I ran a year ago, but it is interesting to me that once again, a year later and with greater participation in the poll (96 vs. 60), the readership for this blog again does not mirror the electorate as a whole.  According a Gallup poll taken in October of this year, 27% of respondents identified as Republican,  36% are Independents, and 32% identify as Democrats. Our readers, on the other hand, trend more heavily Republican, and Independents are wildly under-represented compared to their presence in the population at large.  Without getting into wild speculation about whether Republican men just like being spanked and dominated more than those with more Democratic and Independent leanings, I still suspect that a lot of this skewing of the political affiliation really reflects the skewing of the age demographic.  The last poll I did on that topic showed that this blog's readership skews heavily toward those over age 50, and Republicans are a larger portion of that age group, and older voters also are more likely to identify with one of the two major parties as opposed to Independent or unaffiliated.  Anyway, I'm sure many of you don't have the slightest interest in this, but as I have freely admitted, I am a bit of a political junkie.

On to other things.  In addition to this nasty illness I've picked up, I am suffering through a somewhat well-deserved hangover following our first holiday party of the season.  Particularly given that I was already feeling lousy, I planned to limit my alcohol consumption but, as usual, "best laid plans . . ." and all that.  I stayed at the party later than my wife, and got away with that only by pledging not to drink more, which I of course promptly broke.  It was not a "party like a rock star" kind of night, but still enough to leave me cranky and tired.  And, this comes after we had just agreed that she would amp up the severity and the number of spankings for this particular kind of infraction.  And, I knew that going into the party, and yet did it anyway.

Therefore, this week's topic relates to the above quote.  For those of us in DD relationships, there is a price to be paid for misbehavior.  But, the simple fact is that we often engage in that misbehavior because it is, well, fun.  We like doing something, and not doing it comes at a certain price in missed fun, etc.  So, are there things you like so much, or maybe habits that are just so hard to break, that you consciously decide to do it even though you know doing so will probably get you spanked, because part of you thinks the activity is "worth it" -- worth taking a good hard spanking?

Now, speaking for myself, that isn't really how it works.  The #1 thing I do that results in me draped over the bed or ottoman with her applying the paddle or strap to my naked bottom is over-indulging with alcohol.  Part of it is just habit.  I grew up in a community that drank a lot, my college experience was like something out of Animal House, and my profession is notoriously boozy.  But, the plain fact is I also just enjoy it, particularly the social aspect.  

I like hanging out and talking to friends and colleagues over beers.  Sometimes several of them. But, I can't say that I ever really consciously think, "I am going to have that third drink, even if she spanks me for it."   Instead, I tend to just not think about the prospect of a spanking at all.  I have the first beer, and then all thought of future punishment just vanishes from my head.

Speaking of being draped over the bed or ottoman, I do want to report that while our DD and FLR hit a lull while on vacation and hasn't recovered much due to our illnesses, prior to leaving for vacation our new system of bi-weekly check-ins was resulting in me getting away with way less and my behavior actually was improving. So, ladies, consistency in application really does seem to be the key to going from punishment to actual discipline that results in some behavior change.  It's also proving that where FLR is concerned, practice does make perfect.  At our party last night, we were talking to another couple, and my wife handed me her wine glass and said very directly, "Go get me another."  It was very pointedly NOT phrased as a question or a request.  That would never have happened a year ago.

Finally, in honor of finally putting up our tree today, along with some lights on the house (why do I feel like we are constantly behind . . .)

Have a great week.  If you are new to this Forum, please take a minute to stop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about yourself and your DD or FLR relationship or aspirations.

Taking the Weekend Off

Hi all.  I hope you had a great Thanksgiving.  I am out on vacation, and while I am feeling inspired about a lot of things this morning, coming up with a DD topic is not among them. So, unless such inspiration hits me today or later in the week, I will probably take this week off from blogging.  I hope you all have a great weekend!

Dan 

Love Our Lurkers 11

Hi all.  Welcome to Love Our Lurkers week.  Officially, I think it is supposed to cover only today and tomorrow, but I'm going to be gone next week, so Love Our Lurkers weekend will take the place of our usual weekly topic.  As always, thanks to Hermione at https://hermionesheart.blogspot.com for organizing.

The idea is pretty simple.  If you are a silent reader who has never dared to leave a comment, now is your chance. You may remain anonymous, use a pseudonym . . . whatever.  As for what you should say,  "Hello" is fine.  Or, if you are feeling more adventurous, tell us something about your interest in Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  We would all like to hear from you, so don't be shy!

To all our lurkers and our usual commenters, I will be out most of next week but will try to respond to comments from time to time.  For those of you in U.S., I hope you have a happy and peaceful Thanksgiving with friends and family.

Dan

The Forum - Vol. 182 - Communication

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum - Disciplined Husbands & Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of men and women participating or positively interested in Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

I hope you had a good week, and I am fairly certain that if you live in the USA, you had an interesting one.  I almost didn't post today.  Not because I am, like many of my friends, laying on the floor curled in the fetal position,  incoherently mumbling some variation of  "WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF?"  More because the events of this week seem so . . . consequential . . . it is hard to think about anything else.  At least it is for me.  But, as I sat here struggling with the options of (a) not posting at all; (b) posting but ignoring the one thing that is really on my mind; or (c) finding someway to connect this week's developments with the subject of this blog, it occurred to me that this blog is, in fact, all about . . . consequences.  Taking responsibility.  Getting what you deserve.  Being held accountable for the choices you make.  Those are themes that resonate a lot with me on this surprisingly sunny Saturday.


In my "real life," politics is a passion, and it is hard to set aside that aspect of myself when writing this blog, particularly this week.  But, I will still try to resist temptation.  In my "real life," however, I made the conscious decision to go in the opposite direction, speaking up and saying what I believe more directly (though most who know me would say that has never been a huge problem for me) and worrying less about being polite.  I have several friends and relatives, mainly older ones, who have no qualms about sharing those opinions on politics, religion and cultural values with me and the world via emails and Facebook posts, and some the stuff they put out there is fairly offensive, or just downright stupid.  I used to just delete the emails and ignore the posts, but I've been doing less of that this week.  If they want someone who "tells it like it is,"  they will be getting more of that from me going forward, and I will make every effort to be an equal opportunity agitator, since there are plenty of stupid, willfully ignorant things coming out of the mouths of people on both ends of the spectrum.  But, as Garrison Keillor put it so well this week,  "Resentment is no excuse for bald-faced stupidity."  So, when someone I know says something that offends my own values or that displays a willful ignorance of actual facts or history, I am going to call their ass on it.  A friend of mine observed this week that one of the biggest drivers of this incredibly divided political culture is the rise of media outlets that pander to the extremes.  Conservatives have Fox.  Liberals have CNBC.  It's good that we have competing media platforms, but the danger in it is that these openly partisan outlets become  "echo chambers" in which people sharing the same views just chatter back and forth, driving each other to more and more extreme positions, and those positions are never really challenged.  So, I intend to do some challenging, and I hope you all will do the same.

Now, to start steering this toward something resembling an actual topic, there is one non-partisan message that came through load and clear to me during this election: when trying to influence someone or get them to act, how you say something seems to have far more practical impact than what you actually say.  While it kind of pains me to say it, tone is more important than substance.  In each of the last four or five election cycles, one party nominated someone who spoke with passion and conviction, while the other side nominated someone with a more measured tone and who postured themselves as the "safer" choice.  And in each cycle that "safer" choice either lost or the bomb-thrower they ran against in the primary did far better than anyone predicted possible.  It is a lesson in the power of tone, make whatever point you want to make with strength and authority. People follow passion and strength.

Which, finally, brings me to what I chose as today's topic, though it actually comes from something Anna suggested.  There was a little debate going on in the comments last week about "asking for what you want" versus just accepting where your HoH wife takes things.  I am in the former camp.  I think that "topping from below" is very often misapplied in the context of Domestic Discipline relationships, and failing to communicate openly about what you want and need is probably the single biggest impediment to these relationships succeeding or even getting off the ground.  Looking at the poll I left up for a year regarding readers' "DD status," almost a third said they want a DD relationship but aren't in one.  I wonder how many of those aren't in one because they can't bring themselves to ask for it, because of embarrassment or fear of rejection or because they themselves see their desires as "weird."

So, Anna's suggested topic was along the lines of, how honest have you been in communicating to your spouse what you want out of your DD or FLR relationship and what you would like it to be?  This one really applies to those on both ends of the paddle.  Men, to what extent have you told your wife why you want DD?  Have you told her openly and honestly what you think it does or would do for you, her or the marriage? Have you been open about what emotional need it serves?  Have you given her specific examples of the sternness or strictness with which you would like to be led or held accountable?  For the Disciplinary Wives, have you told your husband honestly how much power you are or are not comfortable wielding?  Have you been honest with him--and even with yourself--about the extent to which you like, or don't like, delivering discipline and being in charge? Have you been clear about the things that piss you off and what you want him to change?  If you want to take things to a different level, have you communicated that to him?

I'm also curious as to what form such communications have taken.  Long talks?  Emails? Journals?  Or, perhaps something more creative?  I'll share again a little more than I usually do.  I've said before that a year or so ago my wife decided to impose a rule that I have to keep a journal and give it to her regularly.  It is supposed to contain a self-report of my behavior issues, but also what I want and feel.  Which is sometimes tough for a guy.  I do find that it works best when I am most open and leave myself the most vulnerable.  But, it also sometimes feels like I am just repeating over and over what I want or need and also trying to reassure her and positively reinforce when she takes more control.   Which is all well and good but, like this blog, it sometimes seems more than a little repetitive.  Recently, I got kind of bored with the whole process, and I decided to try something new.  After the exchanges with Aunt Kay, I was thinking about the Fiction Stories section on the Disciplinary Wives Club website. There was one in particular, entitled Even More, that always really resonated with me.  The arc of the story began with a husband earning a spanking and being told in a call from his wife to expect one when he got home from work, then his thoughts wandered to how he originally asked to try DD, how his first disciplinary spanking played out, and then an account of what happened when he did get home that night.   Thinking about that story and others that have encapsulated some of my own DD history and desires, it occurred to me that my wife is a pretty visual person and, when she reads it tends to be fiction.  (I am the opposite.  I devour history and biographies and business tomes.  It occurred to me that in my journal entries, I was talking to her in the language and tone that works for me -- fact based and analytical -- when maybe what she needed was something more visual and story-like.

So, I spent an afternoon writing a story that was sort of based on how we started but was built on a fictional scenario in which the main character (clearly me, though I wrote it in the third-person using assumed names) has screwed up on several things and gets a call from his wife telling him he will be spanked that night, and then he reminisces on how he came to be in that position, his dread and anticipation, and the event itself.  I tried to use the dialogue to illustrate how stern and strict my ideal HoH would be in conveying her anger and disappointment, her expectations, what was going to happen as a consequence, etc.  And, I used my character's inner dialog to explain the emotions that a disciplined husband really goes through and the motivations underlying it.

I have to say, that exercise in creative writing did turn out to be far, far more effective than any journal entry I have given her this year.  I noticed an almost immediate change in her tone and her comfort level with being very stern and assertive.  So, for us it worked, probably because it gave her a concrete image of how stern and strict I am comfortable with her going, and it happens to comport with where she really does want to take things. 

So, what has worked for you in communicating your needs and desires? Other ideas on how to tell your spouse what you want and need?

Have a good week.

The Forum - Vol. 181 Maintenance Update

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”― Anais Nin

Hello all. Welcome back to the Forum - Disciplined Husbands and Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are participating, or positively interested in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

I watched with interest this week a bit of a phenomenon involving fellow blogger Julie at http://strictjuliespanks.blogspot.com.  I won't go into all the background, but Julie is a Top who decided to experience a disciplinary paddling.  The story itself is entertaining, but it was interesting to me how many other blogs picked up the thread and covered it almost like a news event.   Apparently having the tables turned on a Top has wide appeal. Or, perhaps it was her observations of what the anticipation leading up to your first real disciplinary spanking is like.  Here is a line that reflects fairly closely what I remember from our first time:

"How can I both dread what's coming up, and yet be so excited at the same time??? I absolutely, positively, don't want it to happen. What sane woman would want her ass blistered like this??? Be humiliated like this??? And my poor butt has never even been spanked hard before, not even by hand. And I'm diving straight into the deep end of an intense paddling???? Am I nuts????But I soooo want it to happen....So waiting in anticipation. So confused..."

Well said, Julie.

Julie's approach to her blog is a bit different than mine.  I would describe it, with much affection, as "unfiltered."  The personal details of her relationship with her husband come spilling out left and right.  I have really consciously avoided that approach with this blog, for various reasons.  One was a conscious desire to make this blog less like a diary and more like a community resource.  I also just feel some reluctance to invite a large number of people into the details of our personal life.  But, that has certain drawbacks too when it comes to stimulating a real discussion.  This week, I will depart from my reticence about personal details a little, because we had a DD experience that I thought was worth sharing, as there might be some lessons in it for folks trying to incorporate a DD or FLR routine more deeply into their marriage.

It revolves around "maintenance" spankings.  I don't know whether there is an accepted definition for them, but I think of maintenance spankings as "reminders" or "just because . . ." spankings. They aren't erotic, but also aren't meant to punish.  I have been skeptical of them in the past, because they do seem to depart from the DD principle of using spankings to punish bad behavior and aren't really about punishment.  That seemed to create a risk of sending mixed signals.  But, it occurred to me that those concerns really focus on the spanking from the perspective of the disciplined party.  Could it be that maintenance spankings can have a separate and distinct purpose for the HoH, enforcing their authority and making exercising that authority more of a comfortable habit?  I have been concerned recently that despite some changes in our circumstances that should have opened up opportunities for making discipline more spontaneous and regular, that really has not been happening, despite both of us talking a lot about being committed to really amping up the FLR aspect of our relationship.  Our best intentions notwithstanding, real life just keeps getting in the way. I also feel that while my wife is genuinely interested in taking on a much stronger FLR and HoH role, it just does not come naturally to her and having to constantly make decisions about whether to spank can lead to it not happening even when we both know it should.

As the situation became more frustrating, I thought back to some of the ways in which we established Domestic Discipline early on, when it was unnatural to both of us.  One thing we did was to establish some formal structure and practices.  Early on, we came up with a list of offenses, each of which had a presumptive minimum number of swats with the paddle associated with it.  This served two purposes.  First, it took away some of her concerns about how long or hard to spank or whether it might be too much, by setting an agreed upon floor.  It also meant that if I had a bad week, with lots of bad behavior, the number of swats could get pretty scary, which would hopefully deter some of the behavior before it started.  I had to give her a journal every week tracking the offenses and tallying the swats.  And, it worked to a large extent.  I think setting the minimum number of swats helped her get comfortable with delivering a real disciplinary spanking, by removing just a bit of the discretion.

I thought about the way in which that formality helped us get our DD relationship off the ground, as more than a decade down the line we are struggling with taking things to the next level we both say we want, which is her being more consistently and sternly in control.  I then presented her with a plan.  Instead of waiting for weekends to deal with any bad behavior, with all the family and social distractions weekends entail, and instead of making the decision whether to spank hers alone, what if we set a mid-week "check in" that set the stage fully for a disciplinary spanking if one had been earned?  Each week on the appointed evening, we would both get a calendar reminder on our phones that it was time for a maintenance session in 30 minutes.  I would then have to promptly send her a report of my behavior since our last session.  I would then go up to our room, lay out her tools, get naked, and wait for her to come up.  She would then come into the room at the appointed time, and a spanking would happen, period. But, the type of spanking--maintenance or real discipline--would be up to her.  If my behavior had been good since my last encounter with the paddle, she could just deliver a few light swats to enforce her authority in her mind and and my submission in mine. In  other words, a purely "maintenance" spanking. Or, she would deliver a real disciplinary spanking if I had earned one.   The idea was to build in the formality, and making the fact of a weekly spanking non-discretionary in order to remove some of the decision making "burden" from her and to get her into the habit of thinking of spanking more and more as an option at her disposal and something to be used consistently to express her authority, while preserving her overall authority to decide when real discipline was to be meted out.  And, I see all this as temporary measure to help us both get to the more expansive FLR that we both want.

She agreed to all this.  There were a few communication glitches, but the first session went largely as planned.  With one big exception.  My behavior the prior week had not been especially bad, and for that reason I was thinking this would be a "maintenance" event.  That was reinforced in my mind by the context of the conversation, which had really been about adding maintenance as a new thing. I had, therefore, I had gotten it into my mind that she would give me a few light swats, I would get dressed, and we would go back to doing what we were doing earlier in the evening.  But, what I hadn't thought about was that while I had not behaved too badly that week, a lot of bad behavior had built up since our last session.  So, imagine my surprise when I bent over the bed to accept my "maintenance" swats, and she picks up the fraternity-style paddle and gives me a very, very hard swat right out of the gate.  And, they keep coming. And coming.  And coming.  After a couple of dozen, she says, "You have had a session coming for a long time.  You didn't really think this one was going to be one of the easy ones, did you?"  She proceeded to give me a very hard, very long disciplinary spanking that included paddle, rubber strap and bath brush.

The fact I had not anticipated a real disciplinary spanking had another unanticipated effect.  We talked a few weeks ago about pre-spanking erections and whether depriving someone of that erotic energy before a spanking was desirable and would make the spanking harder to take.  In this instance, because I really thought this would be a perfunctory exercise with a few swats and then done, I never had that erotic energy going before she got to work.  And, yes, that made the spanking much, much worse than usual.

I'm still kind of processing how I feel about all this.  On the one hand, I do think that anticipating a disciplinary spanking serves a purpose in humbling me and building up a "healthy fear."  Getting one that I didn't see coming at all deprived me of some of that.  But, in the long run, perhaps it may go in the other direction, as I now have been confronted with the reality of these sessions happening weekly, that they really can become a real disciplinary session, and that I may not have any way of knowing in advance what direction she will go in.

I admit, I am not really sure what the topic is that this all leads into.  Perhaps just generally, whether you use some variation on maintenance spankings in your relationship, or other means of turning Domestic Discipline or her exercise of her authority into a habit?  This obviously may not be an issue for those women who are naturally dominant and who exercise authority easily and naturally.  But, I do think that incremental steps help to make authority and leadership a habit, and coming up with those incremental steps can require some thought and creativity.

As always, if you are new to this Forum, please take a minute to stop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a bit about yourself.

Also, for our U.S.A. readers, if you have not done so already, go vote!  While I do have fairly strong political opinions, I will not go into them here.  But, regardless of the party or candidate you support, please exercise your right to express that opinion.  It is a right that we take for granted sometimes but one that a  lot people around the world fight and die to get.

An Update From Aunt Kay

Hi all.  Below is an update from Aunt Kay in response to the comments from a couple of weeks ago.  I have been tardy in posting this, due to some travel and other distractions.

"The comments from people who have benefited from the DWC mean a lot to me. More than you can imagine. And I do remember some of them; like the woman from Texas who invited me into a session with her husband using the telephone.

Marissa mentioned the DWC implements.  I put a great deal of effort into designing interesting implements and it was a pleasure working with the individual craftsmen who produced them. All of them were so conscientious. I still have quite a few of them from the days when I kept an inventory on hand.

One Anonymous writer mentioned the Ferule. That was the first of the rubber line and those were some of the most devastating of my implements.

Redsub described leaving the pages of the DWC open and available for his wife to "discover".  I always encourage men to go through the DWC website with their wives and discuss the contents. I have been told it was very helpful many times.

Then there was "Eric" who recalled that we visited his house in the 90s. We were so socially active in the spanking world back then that I can't recall him.  Darn!

Of course Tomy will never forget the Gatherings.

I hope it's O.K. to mention that I am still reachable at the same old email shetops@aol.com

Again. Thank you for all the kind words.

Aunt Kay"

The Forum - Vol. 180 - Meetings, Mentoring, Etc.

“A woman should be two things: who and what she wants.”

Hello all. Welcome back to the Forum: Disciplined Husbands & Disciplinary Wives.  I hope you all had a good week. 

Mine was pretty damn unproductive, which is becoming kind of a disturbing pattern.  I finished off a huge project in September, and I've had some trouble getting back to anything resembling my normal work focus.  It's kind of irritating, because I'm one of those people who actually like what I do and like being productive, so downtime just starts feeling like laziness.  And, it kind of is.  As I get older, I become more convinced that you can only maintain a frenetic pace for so long.  At some point,  you hit a wall and your performance goes down whether you want it or not.  It's a humbling thing for a Type-A to admit, but true nonetheless.  Anyway, that is what I was thinking about on this lovely Saturday as I face up to having to now spend time this weekend catching up on stuff I neglected during the week because of that lack of focus thing.

Speaking of humbling, I want to thank Aunt Kay again for stopping by and hope she will continue to do so.  I would like to follow up on one thing she wrote for last week's post, making it this week's topic as it is similar to one I had planned to do anyway.  Aunt Kay observed:

When we did things together with other DWC couples; like going to dinners, events, visiting for weekends, there was such a sense of liberation.  Just hanging out, being able to talk about lifestyle stuff was amazing. It was like we knew we were special, we shared a kinky little secret when we were out among the rest of the world.

If you had an opportunity to interact in some more personal way with other husbands, wives or couples in the lifestyle, whether as a group or one-on-one, would that be something that interests you?  I am not necessarily or even principally talking about group gatherings.  It could be something as simple as a phone call between two Disciplinary Wives, exchanging ideas or boosting each others' confidence confidence in taking over their households.  Or, maybe just an email between disciplined husbands exploring something they are struggling with or recounting their latest punishment.  Or, for those slightly more open to it, meeting for a beer or dinner after "coming out" to a Wife, husband or Couple you know is in a DD or FLR relationship.  What would your level of interest be in something like that?  As I ask this question, I am acutely aware that this blog gets around 1500 to 2000 hits a day, far less than 10% of those comment at all, and of those, the vast majority do so anonymously.  So, I am assuming the baseline level of openness to real conversations with others is pretty low, but you all may fool me.

When I originally planned to do this topic, I was thinking of it a little more in terms of mentoring or mutual support for the Wives.  There are times when my wife simply retreats back into her conventional upbringing and has a hard time staying in the role of Leader.  I think she also encounters those, "Does he really want it if I take a stronger lead" self-doubts. (Yes, I really do want it, is the answer to that one, by the way.)  I think it could really help her get past those self-doubts if she had another Disciplinary Wife to chat with directly, whether by email, phone or in person.  Now, whether she would be open to that is an entirely different matter.  I really don't know.  A few years ago, the answer would have been no, but things and people do change.

I am not, by the way, offering to be Master of Ceremonies at the kind of gathering Aunt Kay and Jerry are talking about.  I do know that however much my wife and I have opened up, we aren't there yet.  We still have careers that could be damaged if our "kink" was more widely known.  But, a dinner with a particular couples, or maybe just a beer with one of the regular commenters if we happened to be in the same city some time, who knows?  A few years ago, I probably wouldn't have been open to even that, but I am getting progressively less concerned about whether others find out, possibly because as I get closer to the end of my career than the beginning, I just don't care as much about what people think. I took a baby step in this direction last year, when I started wearing a necklace with a pendent containing a symbol that at least some BDSM enthusiasts might recognize as identifying a "submissive man" in that community.  (I still don't quite self-identify as a "submissive," but if there is any kind of ornamentation or jewelry associated with Disciplined Husbands, I couldn't find it.)  Now, most people would never even see this pendent, as it is under my shirt most of the time, but it is openly visible when I am in the gym though it's small and probably hard to see from more than a few feet away.  But, if someone who was in the BDSM community saw it, they very well could recognize it.  And, that level of openness at least is OK with me right now.

I am not, by the way, suggesting we explore with this topic the extent to which we are "out" to the vanilla world.   We have done that before. and fairly recently.  I'm really talking about, if the opportunity arose to interact in some more personal way with another Disciplinary Wife, Disciplined Husband or FLR/DD Couple, whether for mentoring or mutual support or just to get to know someone better who is in the one of these relationships would that be something you would be open to or interested in?

Have a great week.  If you are new to our Forum, please take a moment to go to the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about your DD or FLR relationship or aspirations.

The Forum - Vol. 179 - An Unexpected Honor

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum - Disciplined Husbands and Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of men and women participating in, or interested in being in, a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.  

I am getting an early start on posting this week, as I will be tied up most of today and Saturday.  

As you may recall, last week I put out an open invitation for our Disciplinary Wives to contribute in the form of guest post.  A few days ago, I opened my email and found one from a most unexpected source.  As I have stated on this blog many times, my interest (obsession might be the better word) in Domestic Discipline began with the Disciplinary Wives Club website.  I stumbled upon it almost by accident, and it is not hyperbole to say that in many ways my life was never the same.  Within a few days, I had timidly told my wife about the concept, tested the waters on her willingness to give it a try, and then found myself buying a hair brush on her instructions.  Over a decade later, she is still blistering my bottom when deserved.  Finding the DWC website helped me open up to a side of myself I didn't know existed, while also empowering my wife way beyond what she had thought was possible in our marriage.  So, I owe a lot to Aunt Kay of the DWC, and I have always hoped this blog might have a similar impact on even one couple.  Imitation is indeed, in this case, the sincerest form of flattery.  

So, my heart jumped when I saw an email address that I had seen more than once when visiting the DWC website.  After picking my jaw up off the floor, I read her very gracious email that included a kind offer to contribute to our little community.  A couple of days later, I received the following:

"Hello Dan,

My Hubby recently showed me your blog and since then I have looked through many of the entries.  I like what I saw. So I am happy to contribute.

Your question to wives was “what it has done for your marriage and/or for you and your husband's growth and development, any areas where you would like to see it further develop.” I could write a whole book answering just that.   

What it has done for me and what it has done for the marriage is part of the same answer.  Early in our relationship he told me about his spanking needs.  I had never heard of F/m spanking or in fact any kind of adult spanking. But as he likes to say, I was a “natural” at it. There were some really challenging circumstances when we were first together and having that outlet; the ability to spank the daylights out of him when he was being unreasonable made all the difference.  It gave me a method to direct his growth and we have both very happy with how it turned out. Of course it is an ongoing, never ending project. But unless I am really angry at the time, I kind of enjoy spanking him.

For me personally, it was an astonishing discovery. The intimacy, the pleasure, and especially the results were unbelievable. And being a Teacher, I felt compelled to share it. So I started the Disciplinary Wives Club because I wanted others, for whom this lifestyle might be appropriate, to know about it. I never dreamed it would become so famous or that we would meet so many people from around the world.

We made friends with other couples and that was a whole other unexpected outcome. I never imagined disciplining anyone but my own husband. But it became easy for me after a while. I learned that some men need a lot more intensity than my Hubby and I had some really fun times delivering longer and harder sessions that he could ever endure.  I still recall smiling to myself as I watched Jerry head off with another DWC wife to get a spanking.

When we did things together with other DWC couples; like going to dinners, events, visiting for weekends, there was such a sense of liberation.  Just hanging out, being able to talk about lifestyle stuff was amazing. It was like we knew we were special, we shared a kinky little secret when we were out among the rest of the world.

I see that you have some experienced and thoughtful women who participate in your Blog.  I hope that more wives join in and that some of you find the bravery to meet one another in person.  I will say this; just like any other aspect of life there may or may not be personal chemistry initially when you meet another couple. But it seems to me that people made the extra effort due to our common spanking interest to make it work out.

Aunt Kay"

I hope that Aunt Kay will keep reading and maybe be willing to respond to any comments on this post.   In any event, Aunt Kay, thank you so much.  I cannot think of a better way to kick off my attempt to get our Disciplinary Wives telling us more about their own journeys.

As always, if you are new to our Forum, please take a moment to go to the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about yourself and your DD or FLR relationship.

Dan

The Forum - Vol. 178 - Pre-Spanking O's and An Invitation to the Wives

A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman is as bad as she dares. ~ Elbert Hubbard

Hello all. Welcome back to The Forum - Disciplined Husbands and Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of men and women participating in, or interested in participating in, Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships. 

I hope you all had a good week.  Mine was pretty damn unproductive.  I find this happens almost every time after I've had a really intense period at work.  Ideally, I would be able to bring things back to a happy medium.  But, it never seems to work that way.  Instead, the pendulum always swings in the opposite direction, and I end up just basically screwing around and getting little accomplished.  Which is really the worst of all possible worlds, because I am getting little to nothing accomplished, yet still going in to work every day instead of taking time off.  I also had one of those dinners with a few male friends that degenerated into several more drinks than intended, leaving me mentally and physically exhausted by the end of the week.  That could and, honestly, should result in one or more very painful spankings this weekend.

That was an interesting exchange last week.  As I said in response to one of the comments, I was surprised at the number of women, and some of the men, who saw a pre-spanking erection as a sign of disrespect.  As Sunny so colorfully put it,  "I am getting ready to give this guy the spanking of his life and he gets a hard on."  I can definitely understand that perspective and want to let the idea percolate a bit before deciding what if anything to try to do about it, since I don't think of that reaction indicating lack of respect when it happens to me, but I do understand why some would see it that way.

In terms of what might be done about it, Marisa and Peter and others alluded to the husband being required to "take care of" the erection before the spanking starts,  also heard referred to as "milking."  In short, imposing a pre-spanking orgasm to remove that erotic or sexual edge prior to the disciplinary event.

He relieves himself, then she gets down to business. 

Or perhaps she lends a hand, particularly if a pre-spanking erection didn't go away after the first few swats.

This is one of those topics for which I am going to have to rely on all of you heavily, because this is an activity we have not engaged in (yet), and for the moment I am pretty glad about that.  Though I do recognize that this might be one of those things where the rubber really meets the road in terms of showing just how much I am up to walking my talk about making a disciplinary punishment "real."  Because I have no doubt that being completely relieved of the erotic or sexual tension and energy that may be bound up in the desire for DD leaves only pure punishment.  Also, it's just the nature of an orgasm to leave you feeling lazy and content -- about the last thing you would want after that is a long, hard spanking.  And, of course, that is kind of the whole point of doing it that way.  I also do wonder whether removing all that energy would make it easier for me to get to real tears, which is something that I do have this morbid obsession with achieving but have just never been able to get there.  For those reasons, I have thought about asking her to consider requiring it for super-serious offenses, but I haven't quite been able to bring myself to do it.

What do you all think about this?  Is it something you have done?  Is it, in fact, much more effective?  For those of you who have not, is it something you think should happen to make the discipline more "real"?

I would also like to use this post to request something of any Wives who might be interested.  The topical format of this blog really does get constraining at times, and I would love to work in a little more variety.  I also think it is very important for wives who are either considering entering into a disciplinary relationship or just dipping their toes in one to have role models.  It would be great to be able to post some content from the wives telling your own stories in your own words about how you came to be a Disciplinary Wife, what it has done for your marriage and/or for you and your husband's growth and development, any areas where you would like to see it further develop, etc.   Basically an open microphone for you tell everyone more about you and your relationship.  I tried this a while back and got submissions from Anna and Merry, but that was about it.  Our circle of Disciplinary Wives has expanded a bit since then, so maybe this is a good time to give it another shot.  If you are interested, there are a couple of options.  First, you can just enter it as a comment here and I will re-post it later as a stand-alone posting.  If it gets too long, just break it up into multiple comments.  Alternatively, my Profile link includes an email address.  Just send it to me by email and I will post it to the blog.

Finally, if you are new to our Forum, please take a minute to stop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about yourself and your DD or FLR relationship.

Dan

The Forum -- Vol. 177 -- Excitement before . . .

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum - Disciplined Husbands and Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in being in a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.  I hope you all had a great week.

We wrapped up one of our polls a couple of weeks ago. This was one of the more sexualized we've done, asking whether you typically get an erection before a disciplinary spanking.  We had 88 responses, and here are the results

(Almost) Always	49 (55%)
Sometimes	23 (26%)
(Almost) Never	16 (18%)

Summing it up, about 80% of men at least sometimes get an erection before a disciplinary spanking, and over half get one almost always.  I am among those who get them almost always, even though I am also one of the few who didn't really have a spanking fetish before discovering Domestic Discipline.

So, what is this about?  While some spankings can undoubtedly be erotic, this poll focused specifically on erections before disciplinary spankings.  Those spankings you know are going to be extremely painful, hard to take, and that might even leave you in tears.  Yet, at least one part of our anatomy seems to find that situation exciting.

Without getting too graphic, I still remember my reaction when I first discovered Domestic Discipline, and during that first three or four days when I was discussing it with my wife, whether we might explore this, and what it would look like.  I literally lost hours of sleep stirring and stewing about what might be coming.  The butterflies in my stomach were so strong, I literally felt ill at points.  I was genuinely scared, particularly regarding the prospect of possibly being humiliated by being brought to tears.  Yet, during those days, part of my anatomy was displaying a more or less constant state of excitement.

I still don't really know how to account for this.  How is it possible to get excited by something you genuinely dread?  Also, does that erotic charge frustrate the disciplinary purpose?  Several weeks ago, I listened to some materials by a spanking-oriented "therapist" and professional disciplinarians named Jacqueline Omerta, who discussed a real spanking that was delivered to one of her clients with the goal of getting to real tears.  But, it didn't happen.  In her view because the client was too turned on.  Her opinion was that the sexual aspect of a spanking was fundamentally incompatible with getting to the state of real remorse and submission required to get to that state of sobbing release.  I can't really say, because I have not gotten to that state of tears.  But, I do feel like that element of extra energy, whether it is erotic or something else driving it, does make the spanking at least somewhat easier to take.

Thoughts on all this? Do you typically get an erection before a disciplinary spanking?  Does it go away once it actually starts?  Do you think it is simply eroticism driving it, or something else?

I hope you all have a great week.  If you are new to this Forum, please take a minute to go to the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about your Domestic Discipline or FLR relationship.

The Forum - Vol. 176 - Stumbling Blocks

Be careful what you wish for.  You might get it.

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

And, increasingly a gathering place for those who are not so interested.  I think we hit some kind of new low on the blog last week.  A tiny number of on-point or semi-on-point comments, and then a whole bunch of trying to draw everyone into debates about "is this all real" and "why the sexual aspect" and "is DD really a good thing" that I seem to be attracting an awful lot of lately.  Some of this is probably the price of "fame", which I say very tongue in cheek.  But, earlier this year, we started getting up to around 2000 visitors a day, and that is going to attract a broader range of views for sure. Though, there are two things I find really interesting about all this. First, Blogger tracks the most common search terms that lead every blog, including this one. The terms that people are using when finding this blog are aimed squarely at F/m discipline and corporal punishment. Here are the top ones for this week leading to this blog:

disciplined husband
discipinedhubbies
spanked hubby
spanked husband
f/m wife punishing husband stories
spankedhubby
spanked husbands
well disciplined husbands video
wife led marriage and discipline

Plainly, based on terms people are inputting, they are looking for precisely this kind of content.  They aren't stumbling on it by accident and then taking offense at what they inadvertently found.  I also find comments from the same detractors on multiple blogs so, again, they are plainly spending a hell of a lot of time surfing websites devoted to content that they supposedly disagree with.

Second, the lack of anything approaching a 1:1 ratio between total reader growth and total comments from people in active DD and FLR relationships is puzzling.  The growth in total daily readers has been exponential over the last year, jumping from around 300 to 500 to 1000 to almost 2000 daily.  But, the number of active commenters has stayed about the same over that time period.  And, the number of commenters actively participating in DD and FLR relationships seems to have plateaued, while the number of comments from doubters, detractors and outright trolls has jumped.  (Or, maybe it's just that they get an out-sized part of my attention, which I probably need to work on myself.)

So, given all that, I admit that part of me takes umbrage at the people who don't agree with the lifestyle but still keep coming here and still keep leaving comments, most of them aimed at wanting me to change the focus in one way or another.  And, it is definitely an exercise in "you can't please everyone."  Some want me to use a heavier hand in moderating content, especially stuff that they personally don't like or deem to be a fantasy. Of course, what they deem to be fantasy is usually whatever they themselves are not practicing.  A fairly coarse filter indeed.  Others bitch when it is their ox being gored and I fail to post, or take down, one of their comments because it isn't on topic or is anti-DD or takes potshots at other commenters.  So, again, you can't please everyone.  It was with that thought in mind that I originally intended to use as this week's topic the most recent reader poll, which was on pre-spanking erections.  Doing so would have been my own little "screw off" to anyone who has been griping about sexualized content on the blog.  And, I definitely had no intention of going down the "devote a topic to everything random people don't like about domestic discipline and FLR" rabbit hole that has been suggested in some comments.

But, it did occur to me as I mulled it some more over my Saturday morning coffee, that there are people who visit this blog who are new to DD and FLR or contemplating giving it a try, and it may be beneficial for the veterans to give the newbies an idea of where the stumbling blocks and hurdles are likely to occur.  Not "what is wrong with DD or FLR" but "what is particularly likely to go wrong with their DD and FLR."

Therefore, that is this week's topic.  We all came to DD and FLR from some other state of things -- many of us from a much more traditional or "vanilla" state of affairs.  Most of us probably came into it with some kind of pre-conceived notions or desires about what it would, or should, be like.  But, I'm sure that, as has happened throughout our DD relationship, the wishes and desires sometimes collide with everyday reality.  Real life just gets in the way -- a lot.  Or, what the two people find attractive, or not attractive, about their FLR and DD practices is not quite in synch.  So, what have the stumbling blocks and hurdles been for you as you have tried to implement DD or FLR into your real life? To get the ball rolling, here are a few of mine:

Family Distractions:  For me, the number one stumbling block, hurdle, interference, etc. that has repeatedly frustrated us really getting into a groove with FLR and DD has been the presence of kids around the house.  It is just very, very hard to find private time for discipline, or to openly practice an FLR, with kids around.  To the point that, if I had to do it all over again, I wish (a) we had started earlier; and (b) we had been more open about it.  I know that many readers disagree with that last part, but I have personally become more convinced that kids get used to pretty much anything, and if the couple is open that "She wears the pants," the kids will adapt to that reality.  It doesn't mean I think discipline should happen in the open. Adult activities are adult activities.  But, it could mean that a well-deserved spanking happens that evening after the kids are in bed, and that if they overhear then they overhear.  My own personal preference (one almost certainly NOT shared by my wife, by the way) would be to be more open about the nature of our relationship, and let those chips fall where they may.

Positions & Tools: This is one where, in my experience, the expectations may diverge radically from the reality.  We all see the DD and FLR drawings and pictures with the man draped compliantly over her lap in classic OTK position, and she delivers a devastatingly effective disciplinary spanking with a hairbrush.   For most, the reality is that OTK doesn't work particularly well for the giver or  the receiver and is generally uncomfortable and hard to maintain, and a hairbrush is generally not a very effective disciplinary tool. The combination of the two may be particularly bad, because she may not be able to generate sufficient force in the OTK position, and that force is being delivered through a fairly light instrument.  It also is surprisingly hard to find a really heavy, solid hairbrush these days.  Now, the bath brush . . . that is an entirely different story.  What a difference that few extra inches in length and extra heft can make.

Work Distractions:  We have always had a hard time really getting momentum with the FLR, because about the time she starts stepping up strongly as a leader, I take off on a business trip or get so pummeled with work that I'm just not around.  If there is any fix for this one, I have not personally found it.

Consistency:  Rebecca talked last week about not wanting to always be "on" when it comes to leading and FLR. I totally get that, and I sympathize.  I personally do need, however, for there to be a lot of consistency in terms of setting boundaries, in order for me to really adjust my behavior, and also for me to feel any real internal emotional change as a result of being made to submit.  I also have heard from Disciplinary Wives and female HoH's whose primary concern isn't being "on" too much but, rather, worry that if they really live the FLR and take on the lead role all the time, he will resent it.  It's really the opposite of worrying about being "on"  all the time. She wants to step fully into the role but worries it will be "too much" for him. I honestly think that should not be a major concern for most women. Most of the men who want this also want it to be real and want it to be consistent.  Oh, we may resent it in the moment, but in the long-run it is what we want and need.

This is one of the points the detractors really struggle to grasp.  Men who want this usually don't "like" the spankings, but they do desire to get "real" ones when they are deserved.  They also want real boundaries and real consequences for crossing them. It is the reality of the relationship itself they want, and being subject to someone's discipline that they need.  They do not want it to be enjoyable at the time.  In fact, it is were enjoyable, they wouldn't want it. I honestly don't see why this one is so hard to understand, and I do feel like some of the detractors are being intentionally obtuse, or they really lack some intellectual subtlety.  It seems perfectly reasonable to me that someone can recognize that they may profit from something they don't particularly enjoy. I work out a lot, and I really hate cardio days.  After years of doing them, I still pretty much detest every moment on the treadmill.  But, unlike many of my peers, I'm in pretty good shape for a middle-aged guy, and I've been relatively free of a lot of the chronic health problems that start hitting guys my age.  So, I recognize that cardio is good for me, even if in the middle of a run I am hurting and wanting it to stop.

Incompatible Pros and Cons:  We've been actively practicing DD for over a decade.  I can truthfully say that I haven't really felt a "downside" to DD across that whole time. Where things have "failed," for me it has been about there not being enough rigor or consistency. In other words, the only downside has come from too little DD, not too much.  FLR? Well, that's a different story.  We have only been moving into something like a real FLR for the last year or so, and it is significantly more challenging for me, particularly certain aspects of it.  And therein lies the source of the quote at the top of the page.  I asked for the FLR, including specifically asking her to me more "directive" in the relationship, telling me what she wants done and holding me accountable for doing it.  For her, that has translated into more chores and more orders to do things she wants done.  Take out the garbage.  Clean the cat's litter box.  Sweep up the floors.  And . . . I have really hated almost every minute of that. Some men get off on the "service submissive" thing.  I go in the exact opposite direction.  I absolutely hate it.  And not because I don't like doing my fair share around the house.  I do that, and I always have.  I just hate, hate, hate being told what do to or being interrupted when I want to keep doing something else.  However, the theory behind our whole approach to FLR is kind of a yin and yang thing.  Being bossed around rubs me so much the wrong way, because my personality is so naturally anti-authoritarian, and that has gotten me in a lot of trouble.  Making me do things I don't like humbles and balances me and, in the long run, that is good.  For her part, she has not always been as strong a personality as she could be with some practice and if she would get over  being concerned about being perceived as "bitchy.

So, her bossing me around does serve both our long-term needs, but it does not give me any short-term gratification at all.  Her? Well, she really likes it.  It is the one part of this that has come totally naturally to her.  Socialization and habit sometimes get in the way of rigorous implementation, but the desire is definitely there.  She genuinely likes giving me orders and, moreover, likes that I do not like being ordered. After living with me for years, she likes that I struggle to submit and that it is hard and humbling for me. Now, one could say that this isn't really about incompatible desires, because I acknowledge the service serves a long-term purpose that is good for me. True.  But, I also believe that this people need to recognize going into a DD or FLR relationship that one spouse may need, want or like something that doesn't particularly appeal to the other.  In real relationships, you don't always get what you want, and sometimes you have to do something you don't like because the other person does like it.  And of course, if submission really is submission, then it may involve giving in to something you really do not like and that, unlike the "dislike" associated with a hard spanking, is something that you really don't want regardless of whether it serves a larger purpose.  You give in to her wishes, because that is what you have agreed to to do.  Now, this is all rather obvious in theory, but I find it very difficult in practice.

Well, this ended up being a lot longer and very different than what I had planned for today.  Let's now hear from some our our DD and FLR practitioners about those aspects of the relationship they have struggled with, and what they might do differently if they could do it again.

I hope you all have a good week.  As always, if you are new to this Forum, please stop by the Guestbook (see tab above) and tell us something about yourself and your DD or FLR relationship.