“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”― Anais Nin
Hello all. Welcome back to the Forum - Disciplined Husbands and Disciplinary Wives. Our weekly gathering of men and women who are participating, or positively interested in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.
I watched with interest this week a bit of a phenomenon involving fellow blogger Julie at http://strictjuliespanks.blogspot.com. I won't go into all the background, but Julie is a Top who decided to experience a disciplinary paddling. The story itself is entertaining, but it was interesting to me how many other blogs picked up the thread and covered it almost like a news event. Apparently having the tables turned on a Top has wide appeal. Or, perhaps it was her observations of what the anticipation leading up to your first real disciplinary spanking is like. Here is a line that reflects fairly closely what I remember from our first time:
"How can I both dread what's coming up, and yet be so excited at the same time??? I absolutely, positively, don't want it to happen. What sane woman would want her ass blistered like this??? Be humiliated like this??? And my poor butt has never even been spanked hard before, not even by hand. And I'm diving straight into the deep end of an intense paddling???? Am I nuts????But I soooo want it to happen....So waiting in anticipation. So confused..."
Well said, Julie.
Julie's approach to her blog is a bit different than mine. I would describe it, with much affection, as "unfiltered." The personal details of her relationship with her husband come spilling out left and right. I have really consciously avoided that approach with this blog, for various reasons. One was a conscious desire to make this blog less like a diary and more like a community resource. I also just feel some reluctance to invite a large number of people into the details of our personal life. But, that has certain drawbacks too when it comes to stimulating a real discussion. This week, I will depart from my reticence about personal details a little, because we had a DD experience that I thought was worth sharing, as there might be some lessons in it for folks trying to incorporate a DD or FLR routine more deeply into their marriage.
It revolves around "maintenance" spankings. I don't know whether there is an accepted definition for them, but I think of maintenance spankings as "reminders" or "just because . . ." spankings. They aren't erotic, but also aren't meant to punish. I have been skeptical of them in the past, because they do seem to depart from the DD principle of using spankings to punish bad behavior and aren't really about punishment. That seemed to create a risk of sending mixed signals. But, it occurred to me that those concerns really focus on the spanking from the perspective of the disciplined party. Could it be that maintenance spankings can have a separate and distinct purpose for the HoH, enforcing their authority and making exercising that authority more of a comfortable habit? I have been concerned recently that despite some changes in our circumstances that should have opened up opportunities for making discipline more spontaneous and regular, that really has not been happening, despite both of us talking a lot about being committed to really amping up the FLR aspect of our relationship. Our best intentions notwithstanding, real life just keeps getting in the way. I also feel that while my wife is genuinely interested in taking on a much stronger FLR and HoH role, it just does not come naturally to her and having to constantly make decisions about whether to spank can lead to it not happening even when we both know it should.
As the situation became more frustrating, I thought back to some of the ways in which we established Domestic Discipline early on, when it was unnatural to both of us. One thing we did was to establish some formal structure and practices. Early on, we came up with a list of offenses, each of which had a presumptive minimum number of swats with the paddle associated with it. This served two purposes. First, it took away some of her concerns about how long or hard to spank or whether it might be too much, by setting an agreed upon floor. It also meant that if I had a bad week, with lots of bad behavior, the number of swats could get pretty scary, which would hopefully deter some of the behavior before it started. I had to give her a journal every week tracking the offenses and tallying the swats. And, it worked to a large extent. I think setting the minimum number of swats helped her get comfortable with delivering a real disciplinary spanking, by removing just a bit of the discretion.
I thought about the way in which that formality helped us get our DD relationship off the ground, as more than a decade down the line we are struggling with taking things to the next level we both say we want, which is her being more consistently and sternly in control. I then presented her with a plan. Instead of waiting for weekends to deal with any bad behavior, with all the family and social distractions weekends entail, and instead of making the decision whether to spank hers alone, what if we set a mid-week "check in" that set the stage fully for a disciplinary spanking if one had been earned? Each week on the appointed evening, we would both get a calendar reminder on our phones that it was time for a maintenance session in 30 minutes. I would then have to promptly send her a report of my behavior since our last session. I would then go up to our room, lay out her tools, get naked, and wait for her to come up. She would then come into the room at the appointed time, and a spanking would happen, period. But, the type of spanking--maintenance or real discipline--would be up to her. If my behavior had been good since my last encounter with the paddle, she could just deliver a few light swats to enforce her authority in her mind and and my submission in mine. In other words, a purely "maintenance" spanking. Or, she would deliver a real disciplinary spanking if I had earned one. The idea was to build in the formality, and making the fact of a weekly spanking non-discretionary in order to remove some of the decision making "burden" from her and to get her into the habit of thinking of spanking more and more as an option at her disposal and something to be used consistently to express her authority, while preserving her overall authority to decide when real discipline was to be meted out. And, I see all this as temporary measure to help us both get to the more expansive FLR that we both want.
She agreed to all this. There were a few communication glitches, but the first session went largely as planned. With one big exception. My behavior the prior week had not been especially bad, and for that reason I was thinking this would be a "maintenance" event. That was reinforced in my mind by the context of the conversation, which had really been about adding maintenance as a new thing. I had, therefore, I had gotten it into my mind that she would give me a few light swats, I would get dressed, and we would go back to doing what we were doing earlier in the evening. But, what I hadn't thought about was that while I had not behaved too badly that week, a lot of bad behavior had built up since our last session. So, imagine my surprise when I bent over the bed to accept my "maintenance" swats, and she picks up the fraternity-style paddle and gives me a very, very hard swat right out of the gate. And, they keep coming. And coming. And coming. After a couple of dozen, she says, "You have had a session coming for a long time. You didn't really think this one was going to be one of the easy ones, did you?" She proceeded to give me a very hard, very long disciplinary spanking that included paddle, rubber strap and bath brush.
The fact I had not anticipated a real disciplinary spanking had another unanticipated effect. We talked a few weeks ago about pre-spanking erections and whether depriving someone of that erotic energy before a spanking was desirable and would make the spanking harder to take. In this instance, because I really thought this would be a perfunctory exercise with a few swats and then done, I never had that erotic energy going before she got to work. And, yes, that made the spanking much, much worse than usual.
I'm still kind of processing how I feel about all this. On the one hand, I do think that anticipating a disciplinary spanking serves a purpose in humbling me and building up a "healthy fear." Getting one that I didn't see coming at all deprived me of some of that. But, in the long run, perhaps it may go in the other direction, as I now have been confronted with the reality of these sessions happening weekly, that they really can become a real disciplinary session, and that I may not have any way of knowing in advance what direction she will go in.
I admit, I am not really sure what the topic is that this all leads into. Perhaps just generally, whether you use some variation on maintenance spankings in your relationship, or other means of turning Domestic Discipline or her exercise of her authority into a habit? This obviously may not be an issue for those women who are naturally dominant and who exercise authority easily and naturally. But, I do think that incremental steps help to make authority and leadership a habit, and coming up with those incremental steps can require some thought and creativity.
As always, if you are new to this Forum, please take a minute to stop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a bit about yourself.
Also, for our U.S.A. readers, if you have not done so already, go vote! While I do have fairly strong political opinions, I will not go into them here. But, regardless of the party or candidate you support, please exercise your right to express that opinion. It is a right that we take for granted sometimes but one that a lot people around the world fight and die to get.
Hello all. Welcome back to the Forum - Disciplined Husbands and Disciplinary Wives. Our weekly gathering of men and women who are participating, or positively interested in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.
I watched with interest this week a bit of a phenomenon involving fellow blogger Julie at http://strictjuliespanks.blogspot.com. I won't go into all the background, but Julie is a Top who decided to experience a disciplinary paddling. The story itself is entertaining, but it was interesting to me how many other blogs picked up the thread and covered it almost like a news event. Apparently having the tables turned on a Top has wide appeal. Or, perhaps it was her observations of what the anticipation leading up to your first real disciplinary spanking is like. Here is a line that reflects fairly closely what I remember from our first time:
"How can I both dread what's coming up, and yet be so excited at the same time??? I absolutely, positively, don't want it to happen. What sane woman would want her ass blistered like this??? Be humiliated like this??? And my poor butt has never even been spanked hard before, not even by hand. And I'm diving straight into the deep end of an intense paddling???? Am I nuts????But I soooo want it to happen....So waiting in anticipation. So confused..."
Well said, Julie.
Julie's approach to her blog is a bit different than mine. I would describe it, with much affection, as "unfiltered." The personal details of her relationship with her husband come spilling out left and right. I have really consciously avoided that approach with this blog, for various reasons. One was a conscious desire to make this blog less like a diary and more like a community resource. I also just feel some reluctance to invite a large number of people into the details of our personal life. But, that has certain drawbacks too when it comes to stimulating a real discussion. This week, I will depart from my reticence about personal details a little, because we had a DD experience that I thought was worth sharing, as there might be some lessons in it for folks trying to incorporate a DD or FLR routine more deeply into their marriage.
It revolves around "maintenance" spankings. I don't know whether there is an accepted definition for them, but I think of maintenance spankings as "reminders" or "just because . . ." spankings. They aren't erotic, but also aren't meant to punish. I have been skeptical of them in the past, because they do seem to depart from the DD principle of using spankings to punish bad behavior and aren't really about punishment. That seemed to create a risk of sending mixed signals. But, it occurred to me that those concerns really focus on the spanking from the perspective of the disciplined party. Could it be that maintenance spankings can have a separate and distinct purpose for the HoH, enforcing their authority and making exercising that authority more of a comfortable habit? I have been concerned recently that despite some changes in our circumstances that should have opened up opportunities for making discipline more spontaneous and regular, that really has not been happening, despite both of us talking a lot about being committed to really amping up the FLR aspect of our relationship. Our best intentions notwithstanding, real life just keeps getting in the way. I also feel that while my wife is genuinely interested in taking on a much stronger FLR and HoH role, it just does not come naturally to her and having to constantly make decisions about whether to spank can lead to it not happening even when we both know it should.
As the situation became more frustrating, I thought back to some of the ways in which we established Domestic Discipline early on, when it was unnatural to both of us. One thing we did was to establish some formal structure and practices. Early on, we came up with a list of offenses, each of which had a presumptive minimum number of swats with the paddle associated with it. This served two purposes. First, it took away some of her concerns about how long or hard to spank or whether it might be too much, by setting an agreed upon floor. It also meant that if I had a bad week, with lots of bad behavior, the number of swats could get pretty scary, which would hopefully deter some of the behavior before it started. I had to give her a journal every week tracking the offenses and tallying the swats. And, it worked to a large extent. I think setting the minimum number of swats helped her get comfortable with delivering a real disciplinary spanking, by removing just a bit of the discretion.
I thought about the way in which that formality helped us get our DD relationship off the ground, as more than a decade down the line we are struggling with taking things to the next level we both say we want, which is her being more consistently and sternly in control. I then presented her with a plan. Instead of waiting for weekends to deal with any bad behavior, with all the family and social distractions weekends entail, and instead of making the decision whether to spank hers alone, what if we set a mid-week "check in" that set the stage fully for a disciplinary spanking if one had been earned? Each week on the appointed evening, we would both get a calendar reminder on our phones that it was time for a maintenance session in 30 minutes. I would then have to promptly send her a report of my behavior since our last session. I would then go up to our room, lay out her tools, get naked, and wait for her to come up. She would then come into the room at the appointed time, and a spanking would happen, period. But, the type of spanking--maintenance or real discipline--would be up to her. If my behavior had been good since my last encounter with the paddle, she could just deliver a few light swats to enforce her authority in her mind and and my submission in mine. In other words, a purely "maintenance" spanking. Or, she would deliver a real disciplinary spanking if I had earned one. The idea was to build in the formality, and making the fact of a weekly spanking non-discretionary in order to remove some of the decision making "burden" from her and to get her into the habit of thinking of spanking more and more as an option at her disposal and something to be used consistently to express her authority, while preserving her overall authority to decide when real discipline was to be meted out. And, I see all this as temporary measure to help us both get to the more expansive FLR that we both want.
She agreed to all this. There were a few communication glitches, but the first session went largely as planned. With one big exception. My behavior the prior week had not been especially bad, and for that reason I was thinking this would be a "maintenance" event. That was reinforced in my mind by the context of the conversation, which had really been about adding maintenance as a new thing. I had, therefore, I had gotten it into my mind that she would give me a few light swats, I would get dressed, and we would go back to doing what we were doing earlier in the evening. But, what I hadn't thought about was that while I had not behaved too badly that week, a lot of bad behavior had built up since our last session. So, imagine my surprise when I bent over the bed to accept my "maintenance" swats, and she picks up the fraternity-style paddle and gives me a very, very hard swat right out of the gate. And, they keep coming. And coming. And coming. After a couple of dozen, she says, "You have had a session coming for a long time. You didn't really think this one was going to be one of the easy ones, did you?" She proceeded to give me a very hard, very long disciplinary spanking that included paddle, rubber strap and bath brush.
The fact I had not anticipated a real disciplinary spanking had another unanticipated effect. We talked a few weeks ago about pre-spanking erections and whether depriving someone of that erotic energy before a spanking was desirable and would make the spanking harder to take. In this instance, because I really thought this would be a perfunctory exercise with a few swats and then done, I never had that erotic energy going before she got to work. And, yes, that made the spanking much, much worse than usual.
I'm still kind of processing how I feel about all this. On the one hand, I do think that anticipating a disciplinary spanking serves a purpose in humbling me and building up a "healthy fear." Getting one that I didn't see coming at all deprived me of some of that. But, in the long run, perhaps it may go in the other direction, as I now have been confronted with the reality of these sessions happening weekly, that they really can become a real disciplinary session, and that I may not have any way of knowing in advance what direction she will go in.
I admit, I am not really sure what the topic is that this all leads into. Perhaps just generally, whether you use some variation on maintenance spankings in your relationship, or other means of turning Domestic Discipline or her exercise of her authority into a habit? This obviously may not be an issue for those women who are naturally dominant and who exercise authority easily and naturally. But, I do think that incremental steps help to make authority and leadership a habit, and coming up with those incremental steps can require some thought and creativity.
As always, if you are new to this Forum, please take a minute to stop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a bit about yourself.
Also, for our U.S.A. readers, if you have not done so already, go vote! While I do have fairly strong political opinions, I will not go into them here. But, regardless of the party or candidate you support, please exercise your right to express that opinion. It is a right that we take for granted sometimes but one that a lot people around the world fight and die to get.
Thanks Dan, I enjoyed your blog entry. Sound very much Ike my own experiences. Bill
ReplyDeleteThanks, Bill. Much appreciated.
DeleteHi Dan ......
ReplyDeleteThe definition of a maintenance spanking varies greatly and slightly depending on who's perspective it is coming from, but one thing is certain, everyone has a different definition. I think your definition is among the best I have seen yet.
I copied and forward the paragraph (the plan) that outlines your routine for maintenance. Just excellent. Thank you
Thanks, SubHub. One thing I neglected to mention about the plan -- the mid-week maintenance check-ins are not meant to be a substitute for our conventional weekend sessions. They are meant to be in ADDITION to whatever we have always done. So, if things work as plan, we could have a maintenance session on Wednesday, followed by me doing something bad (like too many drinks at a Friday work happy hour), resulting in me getting a disciplinary spanking on Saturday or Sunday, and then another maintenance (or disciplinary, at her discretion) session on Wednesday.
DeleteThe concept of maintenance spankings makes sense to me. My understanding of the purpose of them is to remind him of her authority and to let him know that there will be consequences for disobedience or sufficiently displeasing her. Nothing says female authority like a spanking and regular maintenance spankings could really reinforce this dynamic.
ReplyDeleteI_ObeyHer
(my FetLife name)
I think "maintenance" spankings can serve many purposes, including those you list. But, as SubHub points out, the purpose also depends on the perspective. Yes, maintenance can remind him of her authority, but the primary reason we implemented was the converse -- it was to remind HER of her authority, until exercising it becomes more natural.
Delete"Maintenance" spankings have been a feature in my two marriages, and the idea is they should be applied once a week - IF no 'deserved' spankings were required over the course of that week! Since this is seldom the case, 'maintenance spankings' are only infrequently used, but they are useful reminders that I must toe the line...
ReplyDeleteL.
Thanks, L. Ours sort of works that way, but with the caveat that the mid-week maintenance happens even if there has been a "deserved" one. What varies isn't whether it happens but, rather, the intensity.
DeleteL's wife here:
DeleteDan: I see your wife has a sterner view of "maintenance spankings" than I do. But, then again, L. usually gets a couple of 'deserved' spankings a week (some of them harsh), which reduces the need for regular 'maintenance' spankings - but, then again, I reserve the right to give him a taste of the hairbrush, the kitchen spoon, or the martinet once a week -as reminder- even if he has been "a good boy" over that week!
L.
I (reluctantly) agree with J's comment
DeleteAt this point, I'm not sure we can say she has views on them at all, given that we've been doing them for a whopping two weeks. I wouldn't characterize what she gave me as a maintenance spanking, by a long shot. I see it as a maintenance session that she converted into an actual punishment spanking.
DeleteIn my view, "maintenance" spankings are quite distinct from "punishment" spankings - if only because no specific breach of household discipline is involved. "Maintenance" spankings are essentially "reminders" - and need not be as severe as those punishments that he may deserve for any number of reasons.
Delete"Maitenance" spankings may take the form of my using my own hand, the back of a brush, the kitchen spoon or the martinet, whereas "punishment" may (according to the seriousness of his offence) call for the additional use of the rattan cane, the leather strap or the riding crop...
J.
Over the past week, I was subjected to a "maintenance" spanking (with the kitchen spoon) AND - last night - to a "punishment" session (which, I acknowledge, I fully deserved) with the rattan cane AND the leather strap... No doubt about which was worst !
DeleteL.
I am glad you can appreciate the difference. Your derrière certainly does!... Now, let's see how long it will be before you need another one! The maple switches are still soaking - and I haven't used the riding crop for some time... Better be on your best behavior - or else!...
DeleteJ.
This post really resonated with me. We just went through 4 weeks of weekly DD sessions where I recalled past major mistakes that I made and she delivered a sound spanking. Once a week for 4 weeks was our original agreement. I had never had a discipline spanking and she never gave one before. By week 4, she got good at it and it was a truly wonderful/terrible experience. But now what? My behavior has changed dramatically, and she loves it. I do too. I have more energy for doing things for sure. One of the major changes has been in the way I interpret what she says. When she says, "I have to xxx" around the house, she really means, 'will you do xxx?" Our weekly sessions really helped me make the translation.
ReplyDeleteA little about our FLR to help you see my question -- During week 4, I initiated her leadership role. My wife is an Empath, so making her the leader made a lot of sense for us. Her brain takes on other peoples emotions, so sometimes it's challenging hard for her to keep all the voices separate. Long story short, the more she leads, the clearer her own voice is. But she is very collaborative as a leader. Also, she doesn't have a sadist bone in her body. She does understand and like what's happening.
So my FLR/DD relationship is very mild and easy, and she is growing into it. Also, I am a little obsessive and for me, I tend to go 110% into whatever I do.
After week 4, we finished the proposed discipline sessions. We accomplished everything that we wanted to. It was very effective, but emotionally, she was very taxed. It's hard for her emotionally to exact a discipline spanking. She proposed that we continue spankings in an erotice venue and abandon the disipline aspect. She proposed that maybe when we have business for poor behavior, we can work it out in the bedroom with a strong spanking during/before sex. Our last discipline session was last week Wednesday, and we had an erotic session on Saturday. Both sessions brought high levels of pain, bruising and relief. But the erotic one had a very different feel. I am wondering if I can give up discipline spankings for erotic/discipline versions. I am afraid that I really need the spankings without sex.
Here's my question, I would really like to propose a maintenance program in place of our weekly discipline sessions, but I'm not sure if I should give her suggestion more time to wait and see. Should I push for maintenance spankings? Will I ever be content with even hard erotic spankings?
We did agree on her leadership role. I have a tendency to top from the bottom. I am having trouble following and managing my borderline obsession with being spanked for domestic discipline. Do you ever feel like you get enough spankings? I feel insatiable since I opened pandora's box.
Any advice for this new (50yr old) spanko? Bill
Hi Bill. Thank you for the contribution and questions. This response may not do your post justice, but for me the answers to your question are fairly simple:
Delete(1) "Do you ever feel like you get enough spankings?" Yes, most definitely. We have been in this maintenance regime for a whopping two weeks, and the certainty of a Wednesday check-in that could turn into a real discipline session already has me on edge and kind of regretting I suggested this routine. Because now it's real and my butt may pay a real prices for my bad behavior. In the long-term, it's good. But, in the short-term, yes, I would rather have better odds on her forgetting or getting too busy.It could be that your "borderline obsession" is because this is all relatively new to you. It was the same with me when we first started, although I would probably delete the word "borderline"
(2) Will you ever be content with even hard erotic spankings? For me, the answer to that is no. Erotic spankings just don't do anything for me. If the disciplinary context isn't there, then for me it's just not fulfilling the same need.
(3) I wouldn't "push" for maintenance, but there is nothing at all wrong with telling her what you think you need. This is an example of why I really hate the overly broad application of the concept of "topping from below." Couples need to be able to talk about what they want and need, or none of this works. What I like about the maintenance routine I suggested to her is it couples self-reporting bad behavior with her then making a decision about whether a spanking is really maintenance versus real discipline. That means bad behavior gets addressed when necessary, but she can also decide that a few swats are all that is required and then sex or just go back to what we were doing.
(4) There is a lot of variability in couple's practices re: sex after discipline. For us, it happens probably 8 times out 10. It sounds like that is not what you want or need. But, your wife may need that intimacy after delivering a real punishment spanking.
I have been giving your Posts a lot of thought. You have said you do want the spankings and more of them. Possibly you could explore whether or not there is a pain attraction in you that would enjoy an alternative form of expression. For example, have you ever had a trip to a dungeon and experienced the "exotic" side of it". If not, maybe it would be liberating for you. Maybe not.
DeleteAs far as craving more discipline per se, I am wondering if your spanking sessions include the kind of scolding that really gets to you. I know for me, spanking itself is pretty meaningful. But when I really have to confront the way my misbehavior or negligence affects her, and our lives over all, I feel emotionally pained. That, along with the spanking itself, makes it truly disciplinary and I do not want to experience it any time again soon.
This has been very helpful to me Dan and Doug. Putting my wife in the HoH role is a power exchange for sure. But it has been a very domestic one. Our life in the bedroom is kind of off the hook, meaning almost daily with lots of variety. The sexual aspect of power exchange has not really changed. The really transformative aspect for us over the past weeks (4 weekly discipline sessions) has been with regard to how things around the house get done. She is feeling very supported regarding all things household. Also, she reports in other areas where actions are not obvious, my attitude is very much improved with regard to attention to her.
ReplyDeleteNow, after 4 discipline sessions, I'm asking what's my next move. I love the effects on my behavior and attitudes. I love being told to drop my shorts and bend over the pillows where she applies a paddle/strap to my rear end for 15 or so minutes until i am red and bruised. But she seems to not like the emotional part of applying it as discipline.
I probably need to go ahead and ask for what I want. It's hard for me to know if I'm being too obsessive for my own good. Especially, since that was one of my cardinal sins that brought on the discipline in the first place. In the place of reasonable and moderate, I get a little dogmatic and pushy. I start to seeing spanking as the answer to everything.
I understand what your saying about sustainable, and it seems to me that each and every FLR/DD is unique. My transformation, thus far, has resulted in more of Her voice being lived out in my life in a more pronounced way. I kind of like it because it's different and has some nice qualities like patience, careful, and thoughtful. But ironically, it's my new/improved voice which i am struggling to find to ask her for what I think I need.
thank you again, Dan and Doug. Bill
"My transformation, thus far, has resulted in more of Her voice being lived out in my life in a more pronounced way." That is a really great way to put things. When you combine that self-awareness with qualities of "patience, careful and thoughtful" I don't think you can go far wrong in being open with her about the positive changes you think that disciplinary spankings have brought about for you and your concerns that erotic spankings won't do the same thing, and look for a compromise that works for both of you.
ReplyDeleteAs for your life in the bedroom . . . "almost daily and lots of variety" . . . all I can say is "my compliments!" Especially at 50yrs old!
My wife just continues to confirm that she is better than me in so many subtle ways. So her response to my requests was, "no big deal". She said, I just don't want to make it about me personally getting upset. She says, I just want to keep it in the realm of role play". She says, "I can role play mad at you all day long". But i don't like to go there for real. Haha... reminds me that "the only reason for failure is a lack of imagination". We will see how it plays out, but seems fun to me. thanks again, Bill
DeleteBill, that's great! Glad it worked out.
DeleteDan
ReplyDeleteLet me begin by saying I am speaking only for me. I dont believe in the idea of maintenence discipline. To my mind it is neither here nor there. When I began with Peter I was timid about it but going easy didnt seem to satisfy me. True discipline to me, means I spank until.... yes until I feel the message has gotten
through.The degree or length is really in Peter's hands.
In addition I dont really care if he is aroused as we begin. I promise you he is not aroused when I am done.
Tears are not necessary but true remorse is required.I confess a few times I have demanded he rellieve himself in front of me before a session but that seldom happens. I believe once I related that one time
he was working on a Sunday from his office. I called to see when he felt he would be home or should I feed the boys. He hung up on me. I can tell you I hired a sitter and went to his office and bent over this desk, the the belt from around his waist . He sat on cushions for several days after.
Lately we have spoken about using discipline to relieve tensions he might feel a taste of paddle might clear up. My reaction to that suggestion was I am open to it but if I spank it will be until.......
Dan, love this blog and cant tell you how great it is to see the variety of opinions. My best
anna
Hi Anna. Hope you and Peter are doing well. Like you, I think there are lots views and permutations on this one. And, until recently I was myself not only skeptical about the idea of maintenance spankings, but I really leaned against them. Like you, my wife has never had much of a problem delivering very hard disciplinary spankings. The issue has not been around severity but, rather, consistency (applying them fairly consistently when I've earned one) and also just her confidence in herself as the HoH and the tendency to fall back into a more traditional role. Not exactly submissive, but a long way from an HoH or Domme role. And, she does want to get comfortable with exercising that kind of power. So, this seemed like a way to ensure that she gets to do that on at least a weekly basis,until it becomes more natural. But, that obviously wouldn't be something that every Disciplinary Wife wants or needs, either because (a) she doesn't have any problem stepping into the HoH role and may be naturally dominant; or (b) she and her husband are comfortable with her current level of assertiveness and aren't going for a anything like an FLR relationship.
DeleteDifferent strokes for different folks, so to speak.
Anna, Joe2 here,
DeleteI highly recommend spanking for relieving tension, because that is what I use to "pull the monkey off my back." The goal is to get into subspace, so it is very much like a punishment spanking- with some significant differences.
First, instead of scolding, you give words of encouragement, because he hasn't done anything wrong. My wife says things like, "I am so lucky that you are my husband." or "I know you have a very stressful job, and I am so thankful that you come to me for a spanking rather than lose your temper."
Second, the warm up is a little longer and then it transitions into full force. You are not minimizing the pain of the spanking, rather you are allowing his brain to transition.
Third, keep a rhythm. If you do two strikes on the right cheek, then do two on the left cheek. The same for the strength of each stroke. For me, the strength has to be hard enough for purple bruises to appear.
Fourth, after he has gone into sub-space, keep spanking him at the same pace and same strength. You can change the area (to minimize bruising), but now you are getting him deeper into subspace and he doesn't care; he is swimming in a wonderful pool of endorphins.
Fifth, once he is in subspace, you have to find a way to know when to stop. What my wife does, is go by the clock. After I go into subspace, every 5 minutes my wife asks me if I have had enough. By that time, I usually cannot speak, but if I want it to continue (to go deeper) I have to move my left hand. Usually by the second 5 minute mark, I am so deep into subspace, that I cannot even be bothered to move my hand for a third round. Sometimes I am so deep, that I am drooling, because I cannot be bothered to swallow.
Sixth, after you stop spanking him, he will need deep and comforting aftercare. I always go into "sub-drop." My wife will lay beside me and hold me and caress me. I am coming out of subspace and I really need to know that she loves me. Within a few minutes I will be wrapped around my wife. She never says anything, because we have found it is best for me to slowly come back to normal. Once she had a phone call that she had to take, so she left me after after a minute or two of aftercare. It was horrible, though I "knew" she had to leave, I felt, at a primordial level, that she had abandoned me. When she got back about half an hour later, I was curled-up into a ball holding myself.
I almost always go into a deep sleep after aftercare and when I wake up, I have a sore and bruised bottom, but I feel on top of the world. Of note, I usually never say a word or make a sound from the time I go into subspace until I wake up.
Of note, my wife dislikes spanking me. But she loves the pure intimacy of the aftercare. And she feels really rewarded by how good a mood I am in after I wake up.
It may take a while to get to this level (at least it did for me), but boy is it worth it.
Dan, I think using maintenance spankings in the way you describe is excellent providing your wife is fully on board. Clearly, Anna is not on board, nor would my wife be, were we to discuss it. But I now know that hard and regular erotic spankings do meet my needs -- while not for everyone, and possibly not for most; I don't know. My wife and I did discuss a DWC relationship several years ago. After considering it for several days, with a shaking voice, she told me that she just couldn't spank me for discipline, but she was willing to spank me erotically. At first, I did not think this would meet my needs, but I was wrong. It works for us. I understand this blog is for discussing DD relationships, and how to make them work. So I won't say anything more on this topic. You have a great blog and you run it well. Doug
ReplyDeleteDoug, as I said to Anna, different strokes for different folks. Every couple has to do what works for them, and so to each individual. Some women take to giving disciplinary spankings like ducks to water. Some are reluctant or timid at first but learn to like it over time, or at least appreciate its utility. It will never be right some some. Similarly with the men. You get something out of erotic spankings, while they wouldn't do much for me. Again, whatever works.
DeleteDuring the past few weeks I have received a few brisk spankings in advance of our going out somewhere. I was told that now that she is well again, and the DWC lifestyle is fully operational, she intends to "act on her intuition", especially if we will be with other people. Her new philosophy seems to be "when in doubt, dish it out"
DeleteI hate to admit it. But I can see for myself that it is a smart idea. I am more sensitive to her subtle cues when we are out now. And things seem to be much smoother all around.
I don't know if those sessions are actually "maintenance". They seem more "preventive".
BTW - Kudos for the superb quote launching this topic:
ReplyDelete“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”― Anais Nin
Thanks. I kind of like that one too. I usually try to find something that fits the topic, but I couldn't find anything that seemed very apropos for "maintenance spankings."
DeleteDan
ReplyDeleteFacing the obstacles that meet most couples with children or family around, when we looked for a new
home, we chose a house that had the master bedroom one side of the house and the family on the other side. ( We did luck out since the room we chose as bedroom had been used by a musician who had the
room soundproofed.)
It has made our ability to be more in the moment, than before. It has made all the difference. In addition we continue to reserve Friday evenings for us. ( the boys spend that nite at their grandparents ) That Friday nite is our time to communicate and punish on a regular basis.
Recently we have been exploring, when I felt the need to connect with her as head of household, after dinner to go to our room strip and wait. There is an intensity to that moment I feel.There has been one time that Anna kept me waiting, stopped and nose to the wall for almost two hours. It was a true lesson in submission to her will. I confess that nite i was pissed but knew if i voiced that it would stop. As Anna said recently " Ah Men and their needs."
peter
I am so ADD, I can't imagine two hours look at a wall. That would be own personal idea of hell!
DeleteDan
Deleteas am I ... and yet at times as i hear her move toward the room then away .. its hard and yes still i have asked knowing what was ahead. I wanted to say this before .. my arousal before or sometimes during a session is the expression of my joy that Anna loves me enough to discipline me.
peter
Thanks, Peter. I don't think I've asked specifically for a spanking because I felt I needed one. I've told her when I thought I deserved one, but that isn't quite the same thing. And, thankfully for me, she has never imposed corner time.
DeleteHi dan - just noticed the shout out as I was perusing your blog. Thank you very much!! Yes, I am a bit "out there" aren't I? Ha Ha!
ReplyDeleteBut I guess you weren't expecting "maintenance" to be quite so intense, were you? Good on your Wife for keeping you on your toes!
I can't help thinking that Julie will probably need need a maintenance spanking pretty soon. The fact that I am even thinking that amazes me since my interests and attention are always 100% on DWC related things
DeleteAh ha! So it showed up on Julie's blog that she DID indeed need/ want some additional spanking.. I love it!!!
DeleteHi Julie. Yes, and I meant "out there" in the very nicest way possible!
Delete