His Spanking - Her Satisfaction/Pleasure/Fulfillment (Club Meeting - 542)

 “To exact revenge for yourself or your friends is not only a right, it's an absolute duty.” -Stieg Larsson

 Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

I hope you all had a great week. Mine was, once again, pretty uneventful.  Trips to the gym.  Physical therapy.  Some hikes in the woods. And, despite all the physical activity, disappointment at how freaking hard it is to get the number on the scale to start heading down in a meaningful way.  Sigh.

 

Thanks for the positive feedback on the changes to the blog. I hope that the inclusion of DWC materials, and my updates to my own Tips & Methods section, makes the blog more useful as a centralized resource for those exploring this lifestyle for the first time.

 

As for last week’s post, although we didn’t get a huge number of comments, there were some good ones on spanking when angry.  I think my primary takeaway from it was that, while most wives don’t routinely spank in anger, when they do we tend to really remember it.  There clearly is an emotional power in her anger that gets transmitted into our minds through our bottoms.

 

It also seems to be the case that anger can free the wife to give the kind of spanking the behavior deserves. As TB noted:

 

The few times she has punished me in the heat of anger have been truly memorable. The emotion seems to fuel her strength and determination, whilst making her even more oblivious to my discomfort.

 

The commenter going by DD concurred regarding how anger often results, perhaps unsurprisingly, in a much longer and harder spanking:

 

“My wife spanks me angry routinely. When she is upset the spankings are worse but deserved. I will usually get a much longer and more intense verbal dressing down before and during the spanking when she is upset and spanks in the moment. They definitely help her burn off the anger. She is usually not angry anymore 5-10 minute after the spanking ends. She has also spanked me a few times when I was angry/upset and it definitely fixed my attitude as well.”

 

 

The other big takeaway was that when women do spank in anger, it does seem to result in a kind of catharsis for them. Further, the anger seems to be a gateway for some women to make a transition from seeing DD as something done exclusively for his benefit, to something that serves her emotional interests as well.  This was illustrated in this comment from Mike:

 

“I’m pretty late to the discussion, but I want to share my own experience regarding anger. Normally, my wife spanks me about once a month to deal with all my misdemeanors from the previous month. Because so much time has usually passed between the transgressions and the spanking, there’s no real emotion on her side. She doesn’t like spanking me, so it’s fairly clinical and not as severe as it could—or perhaps should—be.

 

A few months ago, though, we had an instance where we got into a big fight in the morning and she was genuinely upset with me. The kids weren’t awake yet, so she ordered me to the basement and started spanking me OTK with her hand. She was livid and really letting me have it. She had me change sides twice because her hand hurt and she needed to use the other one. The whole time, she was telling me how lucky I was that she’d forgotten the paddle upstairs.

 

The spanking itself wasn’t that bad since she only used her hand—I’ve had worse—but the emotional effect was very different. I felt that, in that moment, she was spanking me because she wanted to, not because she felt obligated to. Afterwards, she told me she actually felt a lot better and that the issue was settled (her hand was still red and sore while she was sitting in her work meeting later that morning).

 

So, I think that, especially for women who don’t enjoy giving spankings, anger can act as a catalyst.

  

So, given that it seems to have so many benefits—a memorable experience for him, a catharsis for her, the slate cleared, and perhaps a sense that justice was served--why does there seem to be such reluctance when it comes to spanking in anger and such a premium placed on composure and control?  MW noted one possibility:

 

"Don't spank in anger" seems like a principle from when the spanker is a man or a parent, when lack of self-control would be harmful. A typical woman can't hurt a man in the same way. Please understand I'm not speaking to the real problem of domestic violence, only commenting on a wife's relative size and power in a domestic discipline relationship.

 

It's an interesting thought.  I also suspect that we’ve all been conditioned—women in particular—to see anger as an exclusively negative emotion.

 

Similarly, aren’t we all conditioned to view concepts like retribution and revenge—also referred to, a bit more lightly, as “payback”—in a negative light?  But, should we?  If we’re honest, isn’t payback part of the benefits of DD that a Disciplinary Wife can, and perhaps should, enjoy?

 

In keeping with the spirit of Alan’s suggestion that I try to incorporate archived comments from some of our Disciplinary Wife commenters from long ago, here is something “Holly” had to say about her motivations for spanking her husband:

 

“Deterring his childish and unacceptable behavior is my reason for spanking him. It was my original reason, encouraged by my mother (appropriately), and I had reason to believe it was something he wanted too, but he was unable to admit he needed boundaries (now he readily admits it).

 

But my desire to punish him is also part of it and was probably there from the beginning. I am getting stricter with him, which means his appointments with Ms. Strap happen once or twice a month. Controlling his behavior is still what motivates me, but payback with a sound spanking is part of what I get out of it too. I guess what I am saying is—and I’m a little shocked at saying it—even if I got no behavior rewards from spanking him, I still would do it for punishment.

 

Maybe I am turning into a bitch, but men just do better with boundaries and consequences.” – Holly

 

 

One thing I always appreciated about Holly was her seeming clarity and self-awareness about her own motivations.  I sometimes wonder whether one of the biggest impediments to wives adopting Domestic Discipline readily and joyfully is reluctance to entertain some of these emotions or desires—like “payback”—out of a fear of being judged or out of a kind of deeply socialized belief that those kinds of emotions are wrong.  Yet, isn't there something very natural and human in taking some satisfaction in someone getting what they have coming?

 

 

But, it seems like the reluctance to admit to taking some pleasure in being the agent of his accountability often recedes over time and, in some cases, is replaced with candidly admitting to enjoying at least the power to spank and, in some rare cases, to enjoying the spanking itself.  Here are is a comment from former commenter “Elizabeth”, illustrating the transition from spanking as obligation to spanking as a satisfying expression of female power:

 

“This is going to sound silly, but when I started spanking my husband, I had no idea that it would give me power. I thought I was providing him a service that he had requested, not unlike ironing his shirts!

 

He identified the behaviors that he thought he should be punished for, and he confessed when he had misbehaved. I then carried out the discipline in a rather clinical way. It was not exciting for me, and I did not really think it was giving me any special authority over him. I got the benefit of his improved behavior, but no direct benefit to me.

 

Over time, however, I began to realize the power that he had offered me, and it began to change our relationship significantly and even change me personally. I became much more assertive, not just with him but in other aspects of my life. And then as our DD relationship developed, I began to exercise more power over him, such as totally controlling his drinking.

 

I began to enjoy having that power.  It wasn't erotic for me for a long time. It was just a sense of excitement, and even comfort, that I had authority that I once didn't have; that I knew he would listen to me and stop arguing when I ordered him to.

 

Over a number of years, this authority has drifted into the bedroom as well. It was always erotic for him, as his erections before and after punishment showed me from the very beginning. But now, I am much more assertive in bed, and the frequency of receiving oral sex has increased dramatically for me (on command) and decreased dramatically for him (on his birthday and our anniversary). While he initiated the idea of me being more in control in the bedroom, as has happened with virtually all our changes related to DD, I am the one who is now in charge of it. And I admit that now I do feel that there is something erotic about bossing him around and having this degree of authority over him, in and out of the bedroom.

 

I find all this very surprising but also very beneficial to our marriage.”

 

It seems like admitting that feeling empowered by DD is hard, and admitting that the empowerment is very erotic is even harder, yet some women like Elizabeth get there.  Here is a similarly candid comment from Susie; this comment being, I believe, the one time we’ve heard directly from Al’s wife:

 

“As Al has posted here before, I simply enjoy the power that being a disciplinary wife brings to me. I enjoy giving the actual spanking and his reactions, and bringing him to complete submissiveness as I spank him. Bad attitudes and arguments are settled at once, and once settled we are closer, more intimate, and more open with each other because of it. That is a huge benefit of being a Disciplinary Wife.

 

Spanking has helped him improve certain bad behaviors and habits as well but, most importantly, it has somewhat improved his tendency to be arrogant and condescending. He still has a problem with it, but there's nothing like a good butt blistering to remind him that he is not so tough after all. And it sure makes me feel better.” Susie (Al’s wife)

 

Susie is one of a very small handful of commenters who have admitted to enjoying not only the authority and power of being a Disciplinary Wife but also to enjoying the spanking itself, including .  Here is a similar admission from Danielle:

“Incidentally, the problem wasn’t a reluctance to spank on my part. On the contrary, I had started to enjoy spankings. I liked having the power to humble Wayne that way. I liked the one-sided “discussions” when he was bent over with his bottom bared. I liked deciding whether to use the paddle, the hairbrush, or the strap, and how long and hard to apply them depending on my mood and the reason for punishment. I liked the sound of the implements striking bare skin. I liked how responsive he was, physically and vocally. I think Brett is right about spanking being “a form of communication.” As such, it is a form of self-expression for the spanker.”

 

In your DD relationship, where does the Disciplinary Wife fall on the spectrum of experiencing—and admitting to experiencing—enjoyment, catharsis, satisfaction, or other positive emotions from giving a spanking or from being a spanking wife?

 

Does she see it primarily as a chore, like Elizabeth in the early days, or does she experience the kind of satisfaction Holly experienced in holding her husband accountable?

 

If she admits to some personal enjoyment or satisfaction, is it associated with the power and authority, the payback, the accountability, or with giving the spanking itself?  Some combination of these? 

 

Has her level of enjoyment or satisfaction changed over time? If so, were there particular events or circumstances that seemed to be inflection points?  Connecting this topic to last week's, was it the case that acknowledging her own anger helped nudge her from seeing spanking as a chore to getting some personal satisfaction or enjoyment out of it?

 

Alan (and maybe Glenmore?) had suggested that I interview Anne, or solicit her views, on some posts. I think I’ll try to do this for this one, but I didn’t decide on this topic soon enough to get her views before posting. If she gives me those views, I’ll either update the post or put in in the comments.  But, I’ll note for now that in the past she’s drawn a line between enjoying the process of ordering a spanking and enjoying the spanking itself.  

 

She’s said that she enjoys the whole pre-spanking process, especially ordering me to get ready for the spanking, knowing that I really don’t want one. She admits to taking pleasure in watching me comply when she orders me to go to the bedroom; coming into the bedroom and finding me standing there naked, with her tools laid out on the ottoman; and, ordering me to go over her knee and watching me do it, know what she is about to do to me.  

 

And, I do think she enjoys the whole process of leaving me anxiously anticipating what is going to happen.

 

What she’s been a little less clear about is whether she enjoys the spanking itself.  I suspect that her answer might be different today than earlier in our DD journey.

 

I look forward to your comments on this one.  Have a great week.