Asking For It - "It" Being a Domestic Discipline Spanking Relationship (Club meeting 540)

 If you don't ask, the answer is always no. -- Nora Roberts

 Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

Welcome to our first gathering of 2026!  I hope you all had a great holiday season.  For how many of you did it end something like this?

 

 

For us, that’s a definite no.  On New Years Eve, I watched the Stranger Things finale, and we were both in bed by 10:30.  Although there are times I think I never want get too tame with old age, New Years Day hangovers haven’t been a thing for me in a number of years, and I’m pretty glad about that.

 

Before we get to a topic for this first post of 2026, I wanted to preview some changes I plan to make to the blog.  Some of you may have noticed an exchange between Al and I last week in which I said I plan to migrate some of the Disciplinary Wives Club website content—mostly the Tips & Methods, Fiction Stories, and Real People stories—to pages/tabs that can be accessed on this blog.  Although it’s available for now on the Wayback Machine, many/most potential readers out there probably don’t even know what that is.  Further, if you don’t know the URL that Kay and Jerry used after their original website registration lapsed, a search is likely to steer you toward a porn landing page. If people are still interested in this lifestyle (I sometimes have my doubts), it seems like the best way for them to access the best of the DWC materials is through an established, existing channel.

 

So, why haven’t I done this before? Honestly, mostly inertia.  Moreover, when I first started this blog, I didn’t have any relationship with the DWC founders, and I was pretty sensitive about stepping on toes. That was reflected even in the title of the blog, which originally used the word “forum” because I didn’t want to, by including “club”, stray too closely to the DWC’s name. 

 

Later, Aunt Kay’s husband “Jerry” apparently discovered my blog and started posting under the name Tomy.  Later, around the time Aunt Kay passed, he revealed that "Tomy" was her husband, known to the DWC world as Jerry. He and I got closer and closer over the years, and he’s emphasized that before she passed, Aunt Kay had started seeing this blog as a successor to the DWC, and I’ve seen some indications of that in the materials he’s sent me over the years.  I think he’s always hoped that Anne might want to try to step into Kay’s shoes and fulfill a similar role, but that’s just not her thing.  In any event, he’s made it crystal clear that he’s fine with me figuring out ways to keep the DWC lifestyle alive, including using that content.  So, the time for worrying about stepping on toes is kind of long past.

 

So, I’ve been working to migrate some content over to here over the last few days and, as is often the case with these kinds of projects, it’s proving a bigger pain in the ass than anticipated.  It wouldn’t be a super simple cut-and-paste job under any circumstances, as Blogger is a crappy platform to try to just dump content into.  Copying from an archived version of the DWC website directly in Blogger always seems to create all kinds of formatting problems, so I’m basically importing from the website into Word, cleaning up the formatting, then copying it into Blogger.

 

Admittedly, my editing compulsion is also making it a longer process than maybe it needed to be.  My professional life was spent editing written content, my own and others, and it’s a hard habit to break.  Unfortunately, I’ve read the DWC content so many times that I often just pass right over the endless grammatical problems, typos, completely unstructured posts, etc.  I love the DWC and can’t thank everyone who put time into it enough, but “quality control” on written work product was clearly not a high priority.  Unfortunately, I just can’t deal with those kinds of mistakes when they reach a certain level, so I’ve been going through each story and cleaning up the more egregious grammatical problems, typos and formatting issues.  I hope to have those new tabs up within a few days.

 

In the meantime . . .

 

We ended the new year with a couple of comments from readers who are taking the plunge in requesting their wives consider a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

We had this from Jimmy:

 

Thank you for blog. I read it a lot in 2025. I finally approached my wife proposing a DD relationship after 15 years of marriage. She is still considering but my goal is hoping to bring that dynamic to our marriage.

 

And this from George:

 

"I wanted to take a moment to say you, Dan, and all the regular commenters here. I come here every week to read the blog and try not to miss any of the comments. Thank you for that! There is nowhere else I have found that approaches this subject like this blog.

 

I am sure there are many readers, like me, who have promised themselves they will sit down with our wives and discuss plainly that we want to be held accountable for bad behavior. But, another day goes by because it just wasn't the right time etc.

 

Some of this is fear based, after watching the vids mentioned earlier in this blog that commenters say closely represent the paddling they receive, there is a phrase that comes to my mind, " Be careful what you ask for!". Every time I think I'm ready to take that first step, that phrase stops me cold, and I decide to put if off for another day, week, month .. year. I am curious, has anyone else had this fear response?

 

So here I am, someone who has publications from the DWC web site from 25 years ago, and I've still not done anything concrete to head down this path. This year, I have promised myself I will have the courage sit down and plainly express that I want to be held accountable in 2026 and see where things go from there."

 

Although we’ve done the topic of “asking for it” several times, and recently, we’ve usually been talking about asking for specific spankings.  Although we’ve talked about the more foundational issue of how to ask for a Domestic Discipline relationship, we haven’t done that as often.  And, since there seems to be some current interest, let’s talk about it.

 

One reason I do like this topic is it is so reality-based. If one were to base their view of how these relationships get started wholly on the stories on the DWC website, I suspect one would be left with the impression that the typical pattern is a wife gets pissed off about something, and she’s heard about these relationships from a girlfriend who is in one, then the next thing you know, she’s imposing it on her misbehaving husband.

 

Yet, the plain fact is, the vast majority of the time, it is the husband who asks for this lifestyle.

 

It also seems true, however, that there are many men like George who want such a relationship, and perhaps have wanted it for a long time, yet can’t quite bring themselves to ask for it.

 

So, one question I would have for the group is, what do you think that’s about?  If you are in a committed relationship, why the reluctance to bring up something like this?  I assume it has something to do with the fear of having the request rejected, but why in this one area is a wife’s “no” such a threatening thing? 

 

Is it also maybe a generational thing?  Is this meme right about how times have changed with respect to a “spanking interest”?

 

 

But, is that too easy?  Maybe a spanking interest has gotten more vanilla, but is that true of interest in a F/m disciplinary spanking relationship, particularly one in which the wife gets to decide why, when and how?

 

When we’ve talked in the past about how each of us came to be in a DD relationship, it seems like couples often kind of drift into it from adjacent kink.  Like, they have a shared interest in erotic spanking, but over time it morphs into something more disciplinary, with the wife in control.

 

It seems like that would make the initial “ask” for DD easier, but I know from personal experience it may not be quite that simple. As I told George:

 

“So, for me, there wasn't a very long gap between when I discovered the Disciplinary Wives Club, which was the first time I'd even heard of domestic discipline, and when I brought it to my wife's attention. It was about three days total, because I was so obsessed with it, I felt like I had to tell her. Then, there was another very short gap from when she reviewed the site to agreeing to try it.”

 

What I didn’t mention, but have talked about here many times, is that there had been a brief period in which Anne and I experimented with F/m erotic spankings. But Anne had called an end to them, because while the spankings were not punishment but, rather, “funishment”, the misbehavior was real.  She became concerned that giving fake spankings for real offenses was just reinforcing bad behavior; so, she called an end to it.

 

So, for me, the biggest concern in bringing the DWC to her attention wasn’t embarrassment regarding spankings but, rather, fear that she would reject it out of hand in light of our aborted erotic spanking experimentation.  So, when I did tell her about the DWC, I took great pains to emphasize that these spankings were “real”. In fact, I emphasized that in the stories, the spankings often ended with the husband in tears.

 

 

My reference to tears illuminated another fear of mine at the time, one I suspect some others contemplating this lifestyle share, i.e. a fear not that she might say no but, rather, the ramifications of her saying yes.

 

At that time, I don’t think I had seen I had seen any videos depicting a "real" adult spanking, but I had all the descriptions from the DWC website stories, along with Aunt Kay's advice in the Tips & Methods section regarding how harsh a real spanking should be, in the Tips & Methods:

 

A dose of corporal punishment should have a dual effect. It should be extremely painful while it is being applied, and the area it was applied to should remain very tender for a period of time afterwards.

 

A spanking should be an event to remember. Don't worry about how red his bottom gets. The more color you put into it, the better you are doing. Don't pay any attention to his cries and pleas and promises. He will tell you anything to get you to stop. Allow him to squirm within limits. If it gets out of hand, give him a smack or two on the back of his thighs. If you give a spanking the way it should be given, the results should still show a week later. He should wince every time he tries to sit for days after.

 

None of that sounded anything like “funishment”, and I did appreciate that, if Anne agreed and gave the kind of spankings the DWC promoted, I very well might be very sorry I asked for this. I do recall she asked about safewords, and I told her I felt that, for it to be real, there shouldn't be one.  She would be empowered to spank as hard and long as she saw fit.

 

 

Therefore, while the DWC did hit me like a ton of bricks, I think I had an at least somewhat realistic view of what I was asking for, and that did leave me more than a little afraid about bringing the DWC concept to Anne.

 

The fear wasn’t so much about how painful a spanking that caused tears must be (though there was some of that) but, rather, more about the embarrassment and humiliation the crying itself would produce. In fact, since my strategy for asking Anne for a DWC-style relationship relied heavily on her reading the DWC materials, I knew she would be reading many stories in which not only tears but real sobbing was not just a byproduct but, rather, the wife’s explicit goal.

 

 

I also had fears about the fundamental change in the relationship that I suspected would be inherent in a real DWC relationship. We had been in a very traditional relationship for a decade, and I had more than my share of male pride and ego. Although it’s more explicit in some of the pamphlets than on the DWC website, a real shift in the power structure was always represented as inherent in a real DWC relationship.  As Kay put it in one of the pamphlets:

 

Think about where you are.  Your husband has come to you and asked you to please take over his discipline.  He has empowered you to assume the maternal role and has agreed to take the child role with respect to discipline.  He wants more than anything else for you to be powerful, assertive and in control.  It is a beautiful thing, really.  He is practically begging you to reach into your internal strength, which he correctly senses is in you, and take him to the woodshed when he needs it.  Believe me, not only can you do this, it gets better and better.”

 

I don’t recall how much I emphasized to Anne that this kind of relationship would entail not just spanking as discipline but her having full control over the “whys, whens, and hows”, but I did know that if she read the DWC stories, she would be seeing multiple examples of women simply imposing discipline without any concern about his buy-in.  And, I definitely did emphasize to her that I saw a DD relationship in she had the authority to spank me, even to tears, as a way of evening out what we both saw as an unequal dynamic in the marriage.

 

 

So, was I afraid to ask my wife for a Domestic Discipline relationship? For sure.  But, as I told George, when I discovered the Disciplinary Wives Club, I was simultaneously discovering that these relationships even existed, and I became so obsessed with the whole thing that there was only about three days before discovering the DWC and bringing it to Anne’s attention.  In fact, I was so bowled over by the whole thing that, while I definitely was experiencing a ton of fear and anxiety, I kind of felt like I had to bring it to her.

 

Did I have big fears that she would reject it? I don’t recall exactly, but I think I saw rejection as a real, and maybe even likely, possibility. But, I think I also felt like our relationship was secure enough that if she rejected my DWC proposal, it would be the DWC she was rejecting, not me.  And, I think to a big extent my fear of her saying yes overpowered any fears of her saying no, yet I was so overwhelmed by what I'd read on the DWC, fear-based decisions didn't seem to come into the picture.

So, how likely is an effort in “asking for it” to be rejected?  I’m not really sure. Based on over 13 years of interacting with you disciplined husbands, it seems like most of the efforts to ask for it have been successful.  I can think of only a small handful of men who reported having such a request rejected.

 

Yet, Aunt Kay seemed to see it as a not rare occurrence. In one of her pamphlets, she said:

 

Most of the time the man in the relationship is the one who requests this and very often has carried the desire within him for many years.  Sadly, in too many instances, the woman is unable to either understand this or fully embrace it as part of her life. (You would not believe how many men, single or married, are desperately asking for this kind of help.)  So, most often, the couple gets involved in the DWC lifestyle because the man has initiated it.)

 

Yet, while she sympathized with all the men who wanted to explore these relationships, and tried to facilitate those desires, it came with a warning.  As she noted in another DWC publication:

 

My goal is for you, the man in the relationship, to one day ask yourself, "Oh, NO! What did I get myself into?" as you await an upcoming spanking session that you desperately want to avoid. Yes, that's right. I want you to be genuinely anxious and dreading an upcoming discipline session, because it means your wife has taken the role of disciplinarian seriously,has made a decision that you are going to get a good sound licking, and you have nothing to say about it. It is the essence of a DWC relationship.

 

Over the holidays, in response to my solicitation for suggestions on the direction of the blog, Alan suggested trying to talk about more female perspectives, even if we don’t have many participating right now. I will definitely consider the suggestion about asking Anne for her views on some topics. I didn’t have a chance to do that for this one, but I did look through some of the comments I compiled last year, looking for examples of women talking about their husband asking for the DD relationship.  I didn’t find many and, surprisingly, one of the few I did find actually did involve a wife (initially) rejecting her husband’s DD interest.  It came from Danielle, who was a regular commenter for a while:

 

“I’m ashamed to say I rejected his request rather harshly. He was visibly embarrassed by his desire, and I made it even harder for him. Back then, the seeming kinkiness frightened me.

 

Wayne let it drop, but I knew he was pursuing his fantasies online. I tolerated that, but as the years passed he became more absorbed in his online fantasy world, and I felt neglected. Once our kids had grown up, it got worse, and I finally got so fed up that I told him I thought we were heading towards divorce.

 

He had been argumentative about my complaints until then, but the D-word shocked him. In response, he wrote me an anguished letter, apologizing for his neglect and confessing to an addiction to “femdom spanking erotica.” He promised he would try to change, and he suggested that it might help him if I reconsidered his previous request for a “wife led marriage.” I agreed. I was ready to try anything to save our marriage, and being older, I felt less freaked out by the seeming kinkiness of it.

 

I told Wayne firmly that if I was going to be the boss, it would be for real. I told him I would spank him when I saw fit, but that spanking would not be the central element of our relationship, and it would be on MY terms. He agreed.

 

Once I took up the hairbrush, I regretted not having done it when he first asked me. He became an attentive husband, and I discovered I liked being in charge. I knew the change was genuine when I was able to impose increasing amounts of housework on Wayne. Previously, I never felt he did his fair share, and we had bitter arguments about it. Now, he does what he is told. I like the way I can instantly put him in place with a spanking or just a threat of a spanking if he starts to get argumentative or moody.

 

I think I may always have had an inner bitch that has now been freed. I like having the final say, I like being obeyed, and I like being able to express myself bluntly, either with the hairbrush or a verbal dressing down, when I am dissatisfied. Nobody except my closest friend knows I spank Wayne, but I no longer hide my bossiness from family and friends. I like that people can see I’m the boss.

 

A couple of years ago, Wayne took an early retirement package from his employer, so he has become my full-time ‘house husband.’ That means we have a complete division of labor: I go to work and he does all the cooking and cleaning. Wayne and I are old enough to see our current lifestyle as a gender role reversal, and that works well because it turns Wayne on and it frees me from the drudgery I was educated to see as ‘women’s work.’ Life is good.” – Danielle

 

I recall that in another comment Danielle said that she really regretted not agreeing to the DD/FLR relationship request earlier, because she felt like her initial rejection resulted in years of missed opportunities for a deeper, kinkier relationship.  She felt like she’s wasted a lot of meaningful time.

 

So, what are your experiences with asking for a DD relationship?  Did you, in fact, ask for it, or did evolve in some other way?  If you did ask, please give us some details.  What do you recall about your wife’s initial reaction? Did she take much convincing, or did she jump at the chance?

 

Most importantly, if you were going to advise guys like George and Jimmy, how would you tell them to go about making the request?  What points would you advise them to emphasize?  Are there resources (books, blogs, websites) you would tell them to introduce their wives to? What objections might they anticipate, and how might they respond?

 

I hope you all have a good week and get off to a good start for 2026.  I found this meme recently, and it seems to me particularly appropriate for guys like George and Jimmy who are contemplating asking for a DD relationship but experiencing some fear and anxiety around that decision.