Maintaining the DD and FLR Spanking Dynamic With Kids, Social Commitments, Travel and Other Distractions (Meeting 523)

“A man who can't bear to share his habits is a man who needs to quit them.” ― Stephen King, The Dark Tower

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

I hope you all had a great week.  Mine was kind of a mess.  I was supposed to be adventuring on my motorcycle for the better part of a week.  Unfortunately, the trip came to a sudden and unanticipated end when I ran into some mechanical difficulty in a very inopportune place. It took about a day to get it fixed, which turned into a fiasco in its own right.  There was enough trip left that I probably could have caught up with the group I had been riding with, but I had also banged myself up a bit, and the entire trip felt cursed.  So, I gave up and rode several uneventful hours back to homebase.

 

 Oh well . . . I keep telling myself that the whole point of adventuring is to put oneself in uncomfortable and potentially painful situations.  Sounds a bit like Domestic Discipline, doesn’t it?

 

A couple of weeks ago, when Anne and I were out on a more sedate adventure, MissE left this topic suggestion:

 

I was reading back over the comments posted on last week’s post and wanted to throw this out there for possible future discussion - Dan, you mentioned that the DD front has been quiet for you both as you’re currently traveling and staying in other people’s homes. How does everyone handle keeping at least the dynamic and accountability alive when staying or being around others for extended periods of time, especially if spanking is not necessarily an option?

 

For instance, my husband and I are in the home stretch to buying a home, so in a few months we are going to go live with my family for a year to save the last bit needed. Obviously, this will provide new challenges, especially regarding our DD. But even aside from that, those of you with children too, or an active social life with your community, how do you reinforce her authority when alone time is limited?

 

We’ve talked a lot about maintaining a Domestic Discipline lifestyle with kids in the house.  Much of that conversation has centered on what kids should know and when, and I think making a conscious decision about that is probably necessary if one of your goals is keeping up a consistent DD dynamic, because I’m not sure there really is a way to do that without being somewhat open to, well, openness.

 

Now, in offering that opinion, I’m definitely in “do what I say, not what I do” territory.  Anne and I were NOT open about the DD aspects of our relationship when we had kids in the house.  But, our paranoia about others knowing, including our now adult children, is something that, with the benefit of hindsight, I see as a mistake.   

 

It led us to accept inconsistency as the price of parenting while in a DD relationship, and I now believe the trade-off was more voluntary and, perhaps, more unnecessary than it felt at the time.

 

I also often wonder whether it may have been pointless.  Kids know more than we think they do, and I have a hard time believing that neither of our kids put two and two together.

 

In fact, I know one of them did draw some conclusions about the overall power dynamic, because once she became an adult and was out of the house, she did ask Anne some probing questions about the fact that Anne seemed to have taken on more decision-making authority.  That was the result of Anne getting somewhat more comfortable with displaying her authority, but it was still pretty subtle.

 

It was a lesson that I could have learned a few years earlier from a commenter named Holly, who had these observations based on her own childhood in a household headed by her disciplinary mother:

 

“Kids know or suspect if you are in a serious disciplinary relationship, even if no spanking is involved, and for sure if regular spanking occurs. Living in the same house you cannot not know a spanking is being administered or that one has been administered. Even if you don't hear it you know from the way everyone acts. (I will admit boys are a little dense about this, as I knew well before my brothers did.) My mother was probably more open than most women and probably spanked more often than most. But ALL spankings were in private and as far as I know she never talked about it until well after we were grown. Before my marriage in my case and after marriage in the cases of my brothers and their wives.

 

As you have described your wife, she actively uses her authority, gives you orders, expects to be obeyed, and more and more acts in charge. A woman is not a disciplinarian only when she is holding a strap. Your kids are aware of that relationship between you even if they are not aware that you are punished with spanking. She is in charge. I grew up knowing that and believe I chose a husband who allowed me to behave much as my mother. (Actually, he chose me, but knowing my mother spanked made a big impression on him.) Your wife may be correct that the kids don't know about the spanking. But the physical discipline is only part of "passing it on." It’s the presence or absence of real DD in the relationship. My three brothers also chose women who controlled them. Two of them are spanked by their wives, while I am not sure about the third. But they are all happy (so are their wives)."

 

We did manage to keep our DD going despite not being consciously open about it, but it did come at the price of both consistency and her inability to fully explore and display her authority.

 

Both our kids were young when we started DD, which allowed Anne to conduct sessions in the basement after they were asleep.  In the teen years, they stayed up later than we did, so DD sessions had to be relegated to times they were both out of the house. Often, working sessions into a hectic, unpredictable schedule meant taking the rare opportunities whenever they presented themselves.

Another option is to deliver a quick session with an especially quiet instrument.  Though, I still have a hard time believing that kids won’t put two and two together if mom is frequently calling dad to the bedroom for a quick “discussion”.

 

 

There were also a few times when I would be called home from work for a spanking while the kids were in school. Or, work schedules allowing, an early morning spanking once the kids were off to school might be workable.

 

Honestly, I wish I had better advice for maintaining the dynamic with kids around but, apart from being OK with a greater degree of openness about it around the house, I really don’t. The fact is, it was hard to maintain any regular DD dynamic.

 

Our social life has not been a big impediment to reinforcing her authority.  In fact, in one limited instance, it’s allowed her to more openly display that authority. I’ve talked a few times about an incident that occurred a year or so ago, in which we were out to dinner with another couple, and Anne believed I was dominating the conversation and behaving boorishly.  When the husband and I stepped away from the table for a few minutes, Anne told the wife—a mutual friend who is the only person I’ve told about our DD lifestyle—that she intended to spank me.  I’m sure it reinforced her sense of her own authority, and it humbled and embarrassed me, which further reinforced our dynamic and our respective roles in it.

 

But, again, the only reason the dynamic was reinforced was because we had opened up to someone about it. In order to really grow the dynamic, I think we would have to explore other opportunities for her to more openly display her power.  

 

I’m always fascinated by the story our former (and hopefully future) commenter KOJ has told about his wife become much more openly assertive once they retired, and how that culminated with her spanking him at a party taking place in another’s home:

 

“The "anywhere, anytime, for any reason" grew out of our shared belief that the best way to break bad habits is with immediate consequences -- similar to the gentleman who got spanked in front of the light switch he forgot to turn off. For years those immediate consequences happened only when we were alone, but as I have mentioned she became much more brazen after our retirements, including threats in front of just about anyone and punishment in earshot of others. She never invited witnesses but there was one accidental witness, a story I will tell someday.”

 

"Then came the shock of my life that I have previously mentioned when she took me upstairs during a party and set me on fire with a hairbrush that could be clearly heard, and then we returned to the party. Now that was a surprise! But I must say that it dramatically improved my behavior out in public because I did not want a repeat of the embarrassment."

 

Another small step toward maintaining the dynamic while socializing has been warning me, while out socially, about what will await me if I don’t toe the line.  There have been many occasions when my behavior was starting to drift and Anne would whisper a reminder to behave and a threat of what would happen if I didn’t or would pantomime a spanking motion while others weren’t looking.  

 

 

Couples might also choose to use their social calendar to reinforce the dynamic by incorporating “preventative” spankings into their preparation for social events. Although Anne hasn't done this often, she has a few times, and I can attest it kept me thinking about our dynamic throughout the event.

MissE also asked about maintaining consistency while traveling.  We have not done a good job of that. I usually bring an innocuous “pervertable” item that can be used for spanking—such as a heavy leather belt—when we travel together.  But, it rarely sees the outside of my suitcase.  Although she has used it a few times, it’s very apparent that she is squeamish about other guests overhearing.

 

Also, given that our roadtrips are often in a van, there is very little real excuse for not simply pulling over somewhere convenient to take care of attitude and other problems on the spot.

 

 So, I’m clearly not the best person to talk about how to maintain and foster the DD dynamic in the face of kids, social, work, and other distractions.  Hopefully some of the rest of you can give MissE some concrete advice. 

 

In light of her upcoming move back into the parent’s house, and the references in this post to being spanked at a party, I’m also curious whether any of you have been spanked in another person’s home.  If so, I hope you’ll share some details.

 

 

Have a great week!