The Club - Meeting 479 - Before and After the Spanking

“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” — George Bernard Shaw

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly meeting of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led (FLR) relationships.

 

Once again, before we get started, I would like to extend a specific invitation to our female readers to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We miss having you around. 

I hope you all had a good week.  I’ve been neck deep in planning for a challenging motorcycle trip. Although I can’t help feeling some discomfort at being so effectively spied upon, my on-line shopping for motorcycle gear seems to be having a nice influence on the kind of stuff that shows up on my Tumblr feed, such as this little gem that follows on the similar pic I posted last week:

 

 

Last week’s discussion was—what’s the word I’m looking for?—I guess “irritating” will do.  Hence my relative lack of participation. 

  

I’ve learned over the last ten years that one challenge in running a topic-oriented blog is drawing the right line between enforcing the weekly topic, on the one hand, and letting the conversation develop organically, on the other. I actually like when a weekly conversation goes in different, unanticipated directions. It keeps things interesting and is one of my best sources of ideas for future topics. 

But, there is some line, even if I can’t articulate exactly where it is. Last week, the very first comment was from someone clearly from BDSM world, who either didn’t read the post or consciously ignored the topic, turning a topic about using pre-spanking orgasms to enhance punishment into a comment on using spanking to punish orgasms.  As if there is any connection at all between those two.  One of the very next comments flipped the topic to post-spanking sex, which again, other than sharing the general concepts or orgasms and spankings had absolutely zero to do with the actual topic, and was itself kind of BDSM-ish in emphasizing the role of spanking in enhancing sex. Then, the multi-part description of what was basically a BDSM encounter. 

I guess it’s true that no good deed goes unpunished, and I blame myself to an extent for opening up the discussion the previous week to BDSM.  I was really happy that the discussion that week stayed focused and pertinent to the relationship between BDSM and DD, i.e. on the actual topic on the table.  But, it seems that opening it up to BDSM at all created a negative pillover effect the following week. 

  

Oh well.  Sometimes you have to give something a try, see what happens, and adjust as necessary. 

The unfortunate thing is, I really was interested in the topic of post-orgasm spankings as part of a DD regimen, even if we haven’t done it ourselves.  It’s one of those topics I have a morbid fascination with, though it’s one that I have enough real fear around that I’ve never even secretly hoped to experience it.   

 

Apparently, many of you feel the same.  I especially liked this comment from Alan regarding how it seems to arise, when it does:

 

In my experience, men don’t bring it up—at least, I never did. My wife knew about it from prior relationships, and my former GF discovered it similarly to the way you first encountered it. Both women who have disciplined me would have accepted it as a hard limit while not being comfortable with that position. My wife’s position is that it should be something she can use if she thinks necessary. My former Gf’s position was that putting it off bounds was a limitation on the authority “You told me was unlimited”

Our ongoing agreement is that my wife can use it in a couple of clear and well-defined situations. But she would be happier if there were no limits, not because she would use it often but because it is a powerful deterrent. I can’t disagree with the latter.

 

Indirectly, I have sort of brought it up to Anne, by making it a weekly topic a few times, as she does read the blog fairly regularly.  She has never brought it up, though I don’t read much into that, because it’s pretty rare that she does bring up my blog posts or your comments.

 

I have, from time to time, thought about bringing it up to her directly, exclusively on the premise that it would be, as Alan has called it, the “nuclear option,” to be used for highly problematic conduct that “normal” spankings have not succeeded in eliminating or substantially moderating.

 

What holds me back?  Well, first, because somehow without ever experiencing one, I can intuit how bad a post-orgasm spanking would be.  Second, as I’ve described, Anne tends to be very binary in her spanking approach. It’s either nothing or 100%.  So, I share some of Alan’s concerns about whether it would come to be used on a too-regular basis or for less serious behavior. Third, as I said, Anne does read the blog, so it’s not like I’m hiding this option from her. 

For this week’s topic, I’m going to turn to Alan again.  He recently suggested this topic idea and helpfully included enough detail that this week’s post virtually wrote itself: 

"A possible future topic: The before and after of disciplinary spanking.

 

Context- Before and After studies are practically a fixture of any new product, process, behavior, or phenomenon. Spanking isn’t new, but its impact (pun noted) on both the spanked and the spanker is a bit of an unknown. 

My former girlfriend told me that there was a direct line between my bum and my brain. That may be more than a metaphor. Recent neurological research has been discussing a “second brain,” not quite in the glutes but in the bottom, adjacent to the intestinal system. That’s close enough for me.

 

Several commentators on this blog have noted how their wives have changed their minds or views in the aftermath of a spanking. I have experienced this personally -being spanked when I thought she was wrong but feeling very differently when the spanking was over. 

So, it might be interesting to ask for descriptions of the difference, if any, in the way a male under female discipline feels before he is spanked compared to after he is spanked. Equally interesting would be the difference, if any a female disciplinarian feels before and after.

 

The underlying topic here is the effect on the male of receiving a disciplinary spanking from a female. This question is distinct from the cumulative effect of multiple spankings over an interval of time. This might be an interesting topic, but it's not what I am proposing now."

 

So, let’s go with that. It's interesting to note that as some of the memes in this post illustrate, it often seems to be the wife's express purpose to bring about the kind of attitude change Alan's girlfriend noted. It may include the express goal of making him accept her view on things.

 Or, she might be focused on punishing the "before" attitude itself.

 

 

The old adage that "talk is cheap" might also be in play.  The husband may have apologized profusely for some bit of bad behavior, but she has come to believe that it's important to take firm action that guarantees he is really sorry, i.e. that a professed "before" and "after" change is real.

 

 

 As for how I personally change, I’ll begin with the specific example Alan raised of feeling my wife was wrong about something before she spanked me for it, but changing my mind during or after the spanking. 

For me, the mental shift Alan described has happened, but it’s not quite that black and white.  It’s been rare that our views on the rightness or wrongness of either my behavior or her punishing it were diametrically opposed.  More often, it’s been that we’ve had a big argument about something (rare for us), and my ego and obstinance during the argument led me to reject her view of things out of hand, even though it should have been clear there were two sides to the issue. Often, when the spanking is over, I will be much more open to her point of view, even if I still recognize the validity of my own.

 

There have also been a couple of times when she gave me a strong, stinging lecture and a hard spanking for behavior that she had big problems with but that I didn’t see as an issue at all or didn’t feel like it should be “spankable.” In those cases, I did often come around closer to her view after a spanking—or at least I was more able to acknowledge her perspective—though in a couple of cases it took days or even weeks after the spanking. 

 

 The biggest delta between my “before” and “after” state has probably been when Anne has spanked me for something that I’ve seen as spankable but fairly trivial, while she spanked me as if it was a major offense. Things like failing to do an assigned chore.  Because that sort of thing is minor in the scheme of things, I tend to go into the spanking anxious about what is about to happen—or on at least one occasion not feeling particularly anxious because I wrongly anticipated a minor spanking for a minor offense—but feeling no particular remorse or need for penance.  After what turned out to be a very hard spanking, I still didn’t feel a lot of remorse, but I felt much, much more vulnerable to her exercise of her power and authority, and unsettled about the fact that she made a decision to spank so hard for something that mattered to her if not to me.  It reinforced the reality of the power shift in a very profound way.

 

Conversely, the least delta between my “before” and “after” mental state happens when we both are on the same page that what I’ve done is both serious and spankable. In those cases, I generally come into the spanking feeling anxious about the spanking but also recognizing its necessity and “rightness.” When it’s over, I usually feel like my need to be held accountable has been met, and I'm grateful for it.  It’s more a sense of relief or closure. And, I often feel very physically wrung out.  The last sentence of this meme does a remarkably good job of identifying how I usually feel a few minutes after a "normal" spanking. 

 

 How does Anne’s mental and emotional state change “before” and “after”? It’s hard to say, because she doesn’t open up about such stuff very much.  So, my comments are confined to how her demeanor appears to change, if at all, before and after. 

Ninety percent of the time, there is very little outward change in her demeanor.  She’s usually pretty business-like from beginning to end. If she displays any change of emotion before and after, it’s probably a hint of self-satisfaction at what she considers a job well done.

 

 

On the rare occasions when she’s very angry about something, there is perhaps even less “before” and “after” change in demeanor on display. She displays her anger and seriousness before, during, and to some extent after the spanking. Unlike a “normal” spanking, which very often leads to sex, after a spanking for something that has made her seriously mad, she is more likely to simply dismiss me at the end with a terse statement like, “That’s all. For now.”  This Jay Em illustration does a great job depicting a wife who is still pissed off after the spanking is over, and my own feelings of feeling physically "wrung out" after a really hard spanking.

 

 Tell us about the change in your mental or emotional state before and after a spanking?  This topic would be a great one to hear from the wives directly on but, if your wife isn’t interested in weighing in, please tell us about your perception of any “before” and “after” change you think she experiences. 

Have a good week.