Saturday, September 21, 2019

Club Meeting 313 - Restraints


A kite needs to be tied down in order to fly. I learned how important restrictions can sometimes be in order to experience freedom. - Damien Rice

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

Another interesting week, including from a domestic discipline and FLR perspective.   Last week, I recounted some of the events that had made for a stressful weekend.  Anne knew it had been stressful, and by Sunday night I thought that perhaps she was feeling merciful.  Nope.  As I was getting ready to pack for a business trip, she told me I would be getting spanked in about 30 minutes.  And, she delivered a very sound spanking.  This is what consistency looks like, and in typical Domestic Discipline fashion, part of me wants, needs and openly requests it, but then the part that really hates being spanked and remembers how badly it hurts resents being unable to get out of it. 

I have, in fact, been asking her to step up the consistency, because my weeks keep feeling like the movie Groundhog Day – the details change but my mindset and self-indulgent behaviors keep me locked in the same old pattern of misbehavior.  I feel like if I really want to change, the boundaries have to be clear and the consequences certain.  She has been delivering that lately, and I feel like there are signs that it is getting through to me.  I behaved pretty well throughout the week, though yesterday went kind of sideways at days end.  But, she gave me a couple of orders that just a couple of weeks ago might have been disobeyed, but this time I complied even though I really didn’t like it.   


The real change in the power dynamic also has been playing out in my dreams lately, including one in which she was seeing another man.  I was angry about it, but in the dream when I confronted her, she was dismissive and made clear that she was going to do whatever she wanted.  Now, in real life I know she would never do that, but I think the dream was indicative of a mind wrestling with a shift in the power structure such that my views and wishes are subject to being discounted.  And, while it is always frustrating in the moment, it is undeniably erotic, too.


Last week’s topic responses also seemed to indicate a bit of an evolution for the blog.  In the past, any time the topic of “safewords” would come up, someone would insist that there simply must be a safeword.  We didn’t really see any of that this time.  I’m hoping that means that we’ve cleared out some of the BDSM crowd who aren’t really using spanking for discipline but, rather, as entertainment.  It was also interesting that some of couples did set up a safeword, but then never used it. 

Safewords are all about empowering the recipient to end a spanking on their terms.  This week, let’s talk about something that takes things in the opposite direction.  Have you ever been tied down or restrained during a spanking, so you could not get up or escape?


We experimented with this a few times. I thought it would add to the sense of the spanking being imposed regardless of my consent or lack thereof.  I can’t say it really achieved that, but I also don’t recall there being a time that I was tempted to try to get up.  I think being restrained could contribute to a sense of powerlessness, but probably only in combination with a spanking taken to the point that I felt an urgent urge to physically resist.

 
How about you?  Have you ever been tied down or restrained during a spanking?  If so, what does it add to the experience, if anything? If not, would you like to be?

70 comments:

  1. I haven't been restrained for discipline. It seems a little dangerous, and as I mentioned last week, staying in (or quickly returning to) position is an important part of how I demonstrate obedience to my wife's authority.
    I have, however, been spread-eagle tied to the bed for tickling. That's actually a pretty wife-friendly way for a couple to explore complete male submission, and I highly recommend it.
    CrimsonKing

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  2. We use some sort of bondage in about half of our spankings. Being restrained is an important part of spanking for me because it is a clear sign that I'm not in control.

    We have a spanking bench and a massage table, each with restraints. The restraints are comfortable, but entirely immobilizing. It takes a little while to strap me down, but the process of being restrained adds to the build up of that pre-spanking excitement.

    Spankings with restraints are usually longer to make the set up time worth it. My spanker also spanks harder because she isn't worried about me shifting. Together, that means my restrained spankings are definitely my most severe ones.

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  3. My personal experience is that restraints is mostly "window dressing" when it comes to discipline. Looks nice, but mostly impractical and unnecessary.

    I find that uttering the words "You move and you'll regret it is the best restraint ever!

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    1. "Window dressing" seems to sum up a lot of the feelings about restraints. Thanks, Merry!

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  4. My wife did use restraints a couple of time in the early part of our domestic discipline. One of the first times she put me over her knee I jumped off because of the pain. She put me back over her knee again and I did the same thing so she tied me up on the bed and proceeded to whip me with the belt. That happened one more time before I realized it was easier to stay over her lap and take my discipline because the whipping with the belt was much more painful than her paddle. I think I also became more submissive to her and knew I was being spanked because I deserved it and it would help me become a better and more obedient person.

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    1. As we first dabbled with the idea of her disciplining me I did the same thing. Being a bigger guy at 225lbs and fairly lean I could decide when it stopped. Her resolve wasn't so good and I got my way. We only lasted for a few weeks of her dis up like and she lost interest because I had that choice. Now years later our relationship is strained and it's 99% my poor behavior that adds stress and frustration to it. Now we're trying to apply a DD lifestyle in hopes of making things better with us and she's a bit hesitant. I said that I would build a punishment restraining bench and suggested we do not use safe words totally submitting myself to her. I'm still building it. We'll see how it all works out I guess. I'm Hoping she'll see they I'm serious and start giving me the occasional deserved spanking keeping the restraints for the more serious offences. It makes me a bit nervous or even a bit scared to think of her using restraints since she doesn't believe in warm ups or love taps. She's very aggressive and spanks very hard (As I remember). The duration of the session is the factor that changes. If she restrains me I'm sure that I'm in for multiple "tools" being used over a rather extended session.

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  5. A few years ago I built a rather large,sturdy, but collapsible bed-top restraining 'bench' (for lack of a more accurate word). It fits under our bed, but the center can be raised to various heights for different applications. And naturally it is fitted with numerous restraints from ankles......all the way to the wrists and a few in-between. Once 'in' not only am I not going anywhere, but no matter the sting, I can't wriggle even the slightest. I am in for the duration and forcibly immobile to whatever happens. Now we have used this thing a few times but not nearly as much as I would like, due to the time it takes to set up. And, for a basic spanking it is utterly unnecessary anyway. BUT.....we have this A&G "White Lightnin' " synthetic switch which is very cane-like and nasty and when that implement is to be used, I prefer to be secured for several reasons....but mostly because it prevents me from twisting or wriggling.

    I should really take a picture of it and post it because it's a pretty cool DIY kink-project.

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    1. Hi KD,
      Sounds like an ingenious slightly scary device. But when you have been spanked using it what are your feelings and how effective was it especially in comparison to being spanked while unrestrained. Big difference, some difference or no difference?
      Alan

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    2. Alan: my feelings would be a simultaneous sense of fearful commitment ( no possible escape) and an odd calm of knowing that I could just relax and let the restraints do the work of immobilizing me.

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    3. I would be very interested in seeing an image of your device kdpierre. I have thought about building something similar. We occasionally use restraints or benches at events ...but not regularly. Dee Dee has taken me for walks in the woods a few times, tied my arms to a limb above my head and used a switch on me...but they are more playful sessions than actual discipline (she also enjoys teasing the front side while I am tied there). She has more interest in restraints than I do. I am certain if we had something more user friendly, such as something that could be used on a bed, she would employ it more often. Yeah, would love to see some pics for sure.

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    4. Anyone interested in seeing the device mentioned may do so by visiting my blog (which Dan has linked, or is also linked in my avatar profile ). Who knows? Maybe you may even enjoy other stuff posted there if you've never visited before?

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  6. Always restrained but lightly. Enough to keep my hands away from my bottom,and to keep my feet from coming up and hurting her.

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  7. We don't use any restraints. But my wife likes to rest her off hand lightly on the small of my back while swinging the paddle. I believe she is doing it for balance and accuracy, but I feel as if she is also very subtly giving me the directive not to move. It helps me hold my position.
    Arthur

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    1. I started to include a drawing that showed a woman holding a man in place, as an example of a simple physical restraint. Probably should have.

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  8. My wife and I never really thought about restraints. When we first discussed the DD way of doing things, she made it clear that one condition of us doing things this way was that I would be fully cooperative. I asked her what sort of things she would consider to be non-cooperation and one of the things she mentioned was if I were resisting the spanking, say by moving away. As far as I am concerned, if you are trying to live the DD lifestyle with your wife and she has taken to it with some degree of reluctance, it seems a bit unfair on her to make things harder by resisting. IF a husband isn't resisting, restraints are not necessary, though I suppose they may have some novelty value if you are just after the feeling of power exchange.

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  9. Hi Dan,
    Like most everyone else, we don't really use restraints on a regular basis. In fact, the only time we have, it was almost EXACTLY like the bottom picture with the desk/table.

    The reasons that we don't normally use restraints are: 1) it generally is unnecessary because I stay in position, 2) it probably would have felt a bit much for her especially in the beginning since there is a bit of dungeon like feel to them, and 3) because it is just too much time and effort (mostly this one). As it is, we usually have a hard enough time finding opportunities for her to discipline me, and adding complexity would only make it harder.

    However, even though we almost never use restraints I am certainly in no way against them. Yes, it is a nice show of submission to present your bare bottom for punishment and to stay in position, but I can also tell you (based on my grand total of one experience) that restraints GREATLY heighten the sense of vulnerability since even if you want to move, you can't. Also, restraints probably make hard punishments significantly safer. Sure, in the unlikely event that she becomes somehow disabled or if there is a fire or something, they would make things a bit more challenging, but this is a relatively minor risk compared to the MUCH more likely risk of me moving and causing her to hit somewhere that could cause real damage. Also, the restraints we might employ are probably not unbreakable, given sufficient adrenaline!

    So even though we don't use restraints much at all, I think they are quite compelling because of the greatly enhanced feeling of loss of control they provide, and I hope that we will have more opportunities to explore them in the future.

    Also, I would very much like to see KD's contraption!

    -ZM

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    1. Hi ZM. Was there any particular reason for being restrained that one time, or was it just experimentation?

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    2. Hi Dan,
      I really don't remember specifics of what the spanking was for since it was two years ago, but the purpose for being restrained was pretty much entirely experimentation. We had just returned from America and she was anxious to try out her new "tools" that we had purchased there (mostly different synthetic canes), and also we happened to have the house entirely to ourselves for a while, so I think that was the impetus for this. When I saw the picture of the girl over the table, I was surprised at just how closely it matched, except for me being a guy, of course. As I recall, she had also dressed up a bit with heels, etc. It was also this spanking where we learned all about how canes wrap around if you don't aim them properly... Ouch!

      -ZM

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    3. I definitely had that same experience -- with a cane that you recommended, as I recall. :-)

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  10. No restraints here. Not really needed and over complicated for us. She will either insist I hold still or give me a break and start again. That is for discipline.

    For some non-spanking activities....this blog is not about that type of thing.

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    1. Unnecessary and overly ocmplicated -- seems like a common theme among our commenters.

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    2. Dan: I think that common response is based on factors that if amended, make restraints a nice change-of-pace. Admittedly they aren't necessary, but then what little 'conveniences' ever are? ( in addition to the 'bench' we also have straps at each corner of our bed for play. We don't always use them either, but they have definitely seen action. Still, while you can call those straps restraints, they are NOTHING like a device that completely immobilizes you. THAT experience, one of not just being unable to escape....but of not even being able to 'twitch' out of position....no matter the pain level..... is an experience not unlike caviar. (You may not be able to afford it every day, or even WANT it every day....but it is sure special every once in a while.)

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    3. Exactly right, KD! Just because they aren't necessary doesn't mean they don't have any value. In fact, spanking isn't absolutely essential for DD or FLR, but I think that most of us here can agree that it is useful! As I see it, restraints not only have a practical use (absolutely preventing movement which can prevent injury) but also very much have a psychological use. And in the end, psychology plays a huge role in spanking.

      -ZM

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    4. KD, it's an interesting distinction you draw between being restrained and being immobilized. I can see how there could be the big difference you describe, though I've never experienced the latter.

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    5. ZM: Thanks for chiming in. You definitely get what I'm talking about.

      Dan: Absolutely. It's why I made the bench. In fact, Rosa and I are considering something that the bench would be perfect for.

      The few times I've been immobilized for the switch/cane described, it was a very freeing experience. Since it was punishment, I was able to focus just on why I was the there and the pain of the punishment without the stress and even aggravation of trying to stay in position.

      (And to those saying that mere command is sufficient to do this? Kudos to you and your partners. I have no problem cooperating, but not reacting to certain levels of pain involuntarily? Either Rosa hits too hard, or I'm not tough enough to hold perfectly still, but I can't help squirming and kicking.)

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    6. Yes, I strongly suspect that many of those who are accomplished at staying perfectly still and stoic are getting what many of us would consider love taps but chalking their composure up to perfect submission.

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    7. Dan: >>>>>Yes, I strongly suspect that many of those who are accomplished at staying perfectly still and stoic are getting what many of us would consider love taps but chalking their composure up to perfect submission.<<<<<<

      I'm glad I wasn't eating or drinking when I read this. ;-)

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  11. We have restraints, but don't always use them. When I give him a tawsing, it's almost always in the "diapering" position, so if I give it to him on this one couch in the basement, there's a thingy there where I can tie a rope around his ankles and lift up his legs and expose his bottom. If we're not there, I just have him grab behind his knees and pull up his legs to expose his bottom.

    When I first used the cane on him, some pros advised me to restrain him and I saw why. I don't use the cane much, but, when I do, I usually restrain him.

    We have a bench, too, and it has restraints, but I don't always use them.

    I use chastity for disciplinary purposes and when I put him in chastity, he's always restrained. That's more of a :ritual, though, which is a subject we've just talked about. I won't go into too much detail about it, since that's not a focus of this blog.

    Sometimes, toward the end of the Disciplinary Session, when I'm administering the final swats to his bottom and making him repeat his disobedience out loud and making him recite the consequences of his disobedience, I will cuff his hands behind his back, make him kneel on a couch or big chair, then pull up his restrained arms, pull down his panties and swat his behind while he recites. After that, I march him to the corner. Sometimes I leave the handcuffs on during corner time, but usually I take them off and require him to stand with his hands by his sides.

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    1. Diaper position -- something else I have not experienced.

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    2. Simple word of advice. If at all possible, don't...!

      -ZM

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    3. I've heard that. It's hard for me to understand why that position is so painful, but apparently it is.

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    4. I like to have him in different positions during a Disciplinary Session. If nothing else, it makes for some variety, but, also, I find some implements I like to use don't work well in some positions or they just work better in others. The tawse is one of my faves, but, it doesn't work well OTK.

      I've seen some of the pornography videos, especially the "Schoolmaster caning the naughty girl" where the girl has her legs straight up in the air. I don't think husband could hold that position. Whether it's restrained, or not, it works best if he's on a couch but near an armrest. If he's unrestrained, he can reach behind his knees and clasp his arms and his bottom is raised up and his legs are out of the way. Then I pull "down" (even if it's really "up") his panties and apply discipline.

      I have a standing version of this, too, where he's required to bend over and clasp his arms behind his knees. Then I pull down his panties and apply discipline. I require him to hold this position, which isn't easy for him, because he's in 5 or 6 inch heels.

      I've never used the cane on him in the diapering position. I don't use the cane that much, anyway, because I don't want to break the skin. Drawing blood is a hard limit for him.

      He says the diapering position is very humiliating, especially when one of my friends gets to watch.

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    5. Probably it's more painful because the skin is stretched instead of loose and it's always stretched. If he's OTK, laying on the couch or bed or standing up straight, his bottom relaxes sometimes, like between strokes.

      Also, his body is in an uncomfortable position, and that can make it more painful.

      Husband says it's more painful. I can tell from his crying it's more painful, too.

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    6. I also have the impression that diaper position is more painful.

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  12. I have a tough time getting my wife to spank me! Adding restraints would surely push her over the edge.

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  13. Deirdre & Evan at the now dormant "Spanking my Husband" blog had a number of great posts about restraining Evan over their spanking bench. A good place to start is

    https://spankingmyhusband.blogspot.com/2010/04/evan-strapped-to-our-spanking-bench.html

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  14. Restraints can let you take the spanking to a place beyond where you could go unrestrained. Maybe some have the discipline to hold position, but in my experience there starts to be a reflex to get out of the way at some point.

    There's a nice recent example of this from 247FLRCouple. There's just nothing he can do about half way through the following clip when she moves down to the thighs.

    https://www.spankingtube.com/video/87776/new-clip-6-sample

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  15. Just as some people use banking for entertainment (BDSM), that's how I feel about bondage. Being tied down for a disciplinary spanking would certainly give my wife no concern about me trying to escape. But it would be a turn on to me. We've worked hard over the last five years to train me to hold still for my punishment. I've been steadily improving. My wife controls any urge I have to escape by giving me swats in bursts of 10 or more. He then pauses a few seconds to give me time to recover my balance. Over time, the pauses become shorter and shorter. At this point she barely ever pauses at all.

    I think that being tied down may enhance the feeling of helplessness but more importantly, it also makes a statement that you are unwilling to accept the punishment you agree that you need.

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    1. "I think that being tied down may enhance the feeling of helplessness but more importantly, it also makes a statement that you are unwilling to accept the punishment you agree that you need."

      Caged, this might be true, except for the fact that most everyone who has written so far says that they rarely if ever use restraints. It seems that most all of us normally stay in position without the use of restraints, so I guess we are willing to accept the punishment we need.

      However, since restraints DO enhance the psychological aspect of spanking by increasing the feeling of helplessness, I can see why a wife might choose to use them from time to time. And if she decides to use them, then that says nothing about his willingness to accept punishment.

      -ZM

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    2. I agree with ZM, and would add that to me it's not that restraints would show that one is not willing to accept a punishment but, rather, it's about the vulnerability that would come from knowing that it really doesn't matter whether you are willing or not because there is not much you can do about it.

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    3. Caged:>>>>>>>Just as some people use banking for entertainment >>>>>>>

      This is one of the best typos I've seen! Again, very glad my mouth was empty when I read it.....and so is my laptop keyboard. ;-) And considering how long some people (especially the elderly) take to do a transaction, I can't help but think they are the folks you are referring to. Now we just need a technical term for it. "telleraphilia"? "ATMism"? "transamorist"? "trans" for short...no that's already taken.;-)

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  16. I would not argue that restraints are necessary or important. But I disagree that using them means you are unwilling to accept the punishment. Allowing oneself to be restrained is itself a form of acceptance. It's a slightly different form of acceptance (it occurs all at the start, as opposed to continuously throughout the spanking). But it is acceptance nonetheless.

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    1. I agree. Whatever you submit to in a consensual relationship is acceptance. With FLR, there's a strong consensual non-consent element which is agreed to before punishment ever occurs, and restraints during spanking would be consistent with that condition. An involuntary reaction due to the inability to tolerate something is not the same as refusing to accept punishment. Restraints, if they're not part of a BDSM game or psychology, I can see practical as a way to prevent involuntary reactions that might interfere with the process of punishment, or make it less safe. The acceptance here is recognition of that risk up front and eliminating it.

      Approaching spanking with the traditional parental archetype as the model, as I do, bondage doesn't fit comfortably. Do responsible parents tie down their kids to punish them? No one I've known, but in abusive cases, maybe it would be safer if they did. I don't need that kind of relationship. I should be able to take safely what I feel is adequate punishment. If I have to be restrained, then maybe we're not compatible. One can direct their own destiny by choosing the right female to lead. Acceptance is never without qualification.

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    2. TFD, your's was an excellent, articulate response. I totally get and agree with what you are saying about consensual non-consent. Also, what you said about involuntary reactions rings completely true.

      Regarding the parental archetype, obviously we all would agree that bondage doesn't fit comfortably in that scenario. However, I would say that while the punishments I receive definitely have a maternal feel overall, they are much harder than I would have ever experienced as a child. Many children cry at the mere announcement of a spanking or at least after a few relatively light swats with a hand or a wooden spoon.

      Adults are generally emotionally much stronger and have much stronger egos (and tougher bottoms) so to genuinely punish an adult usually takes a lot more severity and/or duration. Also, even with consensual non-consent, as an adult you do have the ability and right to just stand up and end the punishment at any time, so there is not nearly the feeling of powerlessness that children experience in a parental spanking (or school though that is now more rare).

      So, while we don't really use restraints regularly (once so far!) I do see where they could come in useful, both to prevent involuntary reactions as you said, or to increase the feelings of helplessness and vulnerability in the effort to make a spanking more impactful without further ramping up the physical element and risking injury.

      -ZM

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    3. ZM, that's a good point. A child is essentially at the mercy of a parent, not just psychologically, but physically. Restraints can put an adult into that helpless position though, unlike a child, the adult is actually putting themselves into bondage so they won't be able to change their mind under the stress of punishment.

      The way I relate to the parental archetype is not as a helpless child, at least physically. I relate at an older age and larger size where one could physically challenge their parent if they wanted to or felt they had to. There's an element of submission where you accept punishment due to some inner sense of propriety, and the parent doesn't go so far that the severity makes it impossible to submit. I think that describes a typical experience of corporal punishment at home or at school. For those adults looking for higher levels of severity, restraints may be the only way to get there. One may use restraints simply because it adds an erotic element, and that's also a legitimate reason.

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    4. "I should be able to take safely what I feel is adequate punishment. If I have to be restrained, then maybe we're not compatible. One can direct their own destiny by choosing the right female to lead. Acceptance is never without qualification." I think the first sentence is at the heart of last week's topic, and it kind of spills over to this week, namely who gets to decide what is "adequate" in a DD relationship? Particularly as distinguished from BDSM. I agree that acceptance is never without qualification. But, for at least some men in DD relationships there is a desire to take themselves out of the decision-making around what is "adequate" to the extent possible.

      That's why, as much as I share ZM's fascination with the parental/maternal archetype, I think it breaks down pretty quickly because at the end of the day the power dynamic just is not the same in any way, shape or form. It's a somewhat bitter irony that when we were kids and subject to a spanking, the fact that we had no way to say yay or nay was part of why we hated it. Now, as adults, some of us want it to seem much less voluntary but ironically it never really will be because we always are consenting on some level.

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    5. Hi Dan,
      I agree totally about the power dynamic, both when we were kids when we hated the thought of being spanked, and now when we have done a 180 and want/need/crave imposed discipline. In fact, I think it would be fair to say that I almost need the "imposed" even more than the actual "discipline."

      As you said, as adults it will always be consensual at least on some level. I think that is really where the consensual non-consent comes into play. Even though I definitely want the overall DD relationship, I REALLY, REALLY don't want the punishments when it is time for them to be administered. So at least at the time, it does still feel very imposed, even though I know I could stop it at any time. So in this sense at least in the moment, it can be pretty non-consensual. I have been thinking quite a bit about this recently, from a few different angles.

      One angle loosely related to this consensual non-consent are post-orgasm spankings that several have mentioned from time to time. I have never experienced this, and am pretty sure that I don't really want to at least on a certain level. At the same time, this would undoubtedly dramatically ramp up the whole "not wanting it at the time" factor even more than it currently is, and would presumably make everything feel much less consensual and much more "real."

      Another angle on consensual non-consent is related to me talking her out of spankings. As I have mentioned before, sometimes I have talked her out of spanking me, which I know is generally counter-productive. (Note to all posters: I know this is bad, so please don't tell me!!) Actually occasionally this can be a good thing. For example, about a week ago, she said that I needed to be punished, and I asked her to please wait until we had a chance to talk about the underlying issue, since it is kind of a raw nerve right now. I felt that if she punished me when we had not had a chance to talk through the issue somewhat, it might cause more than a bit of resentment. So we agreed that we will discuss our feelings about this issue sometime soon, and then she will still punish me for the way that I have expressed my feelings, since we both completely agree that it was not helpful or constructive. So in this case, I don't feel too bad about it.

      But in other cases, I have talked her out of a spanking when I really knew that I deserved it. That is really unfair to her, because it makes it harder to be assertive like I am wanting, but then to be talked out of it when she tries. And of course, after the fact, the few times that this has happened over the several years, I have felt much more disappointed (both that it didn't happen and in myself for causing it to not happen) than the temporary relief I felt. I think in those cases, what might be very effective is for her to use my consent against me. She could of course dramatically increase the severity of the punishment she was going to give me, or even do the post-orgasm spanking. If I don't agree, then she could refuse to even think about or talk about DD for the next month or something. So by not consenting, I would lose the whole DD relationship for some period of time.

      Anyway, just some random thoughts...

      -ZM

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    6. Great thoughts on "talking her her out of it," and consensual non-consent. As with you, those (particularly the former) have been on my mind a lot lately. But, instead of laying out those thoughts here, perhaps I will make them next week's topic.

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    7. I don't really see the parental archetype as breaking down. Our dynamic is only based on that archetype. It's a model that informs us in deciding what fits the dynamic. We agree to certain terms regarding authority. A child, at least after they reach a certain age, is to some degree voluntarily accepting the authority of their parent. Resistance can happen. Rebellion. Running away from home as a last resort. So what I see is that required acceptance by the one being spanked is an element of the parental dynamic in adult spanking that can be effectively consistent with the archetype. It's up to me to submit and, ultimately, remain in the relationship, similar to when I was an adolescent. It's true that there was more at risk under actual parental authority, and that I was NOT seeking a relationship that involved spanking. The parental model is at the center of our discipline, but it's shaped to serve our adult needs.

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  17. Dev and I used some restraints in a novelty way years ago but nothing developed out of it. I like the idea as I can truly get away anytime I would choose. I want to to give her TOTAL control and being restrained would accomplish that. I always say I want it harder and longer. It’s a fun thought until it happens. Being tied up there could be be nothing I could do. JR

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    1. I totally understand the "fun thought until it happens," and have been experiencing it with some regularity lately.

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  18. Over the years, I have been "restrained" only a few times - not at my own request, in fact, but because I could not refrain from twisting and turning in such a way that she lost patience and decided to tie me up. The whipping I got on those few occasions were harsh - though not really more so than "usual" - but the sense of my helplessness was not only humiliating (as is typically the case when I get whipped) but also traumatic as I knew I was wholly at her mercy - even if that is most often the case when she orders me to lower my pants and to "present" my derrière to whatever treatment she claims I need...
    L.

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    1. It's interesting that for you being at her mercy was "traumatic," while others of us crave that loss of control.

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    2. In fact, she is normally - and invariably - "in control" from the moment she announces that I need (and/ or deserve) to be disciplined, and orders me to bare my derrière for a "session". I always comply, of course - and, to that extent, never feel "traumatized"... except for those few times when she tied me up before resuming the session with increased vigor (and especially sharp effects on my backside)
      L.

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    3. Yes, L.: I feel I should be , and must be "in control" each and every time you need to be disciplined - and that I should be the one to decide how stern (and with what "tools") is appropriate. Whatever "mercy"(if any) is called for is for me to determine, but you know the old saying: "Once the bottom is bared, two whacks are always better than one"!
      J.

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    4. It is - in French: "Quand les fesses sont découvertes, mieux vaut deux claques qu'une"
      J

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    5. J. first heard this said by N. (my late wife) who often used it to let me know that she would spank or whip me as long (and as hard) as she felt was "needed"... and I was in no mood or condition to object...
      L.

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  19. Not all restraints involve straps and such. The spankings I remember as a kid all involved me being firmly held across my father’s lap so I could not wiggle lose. Now the use of some light restraints so I can’t wiggle away as my wife spanks me returns me to that helpless feeling of childhood.

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  20. Some interesting discussion again - although the subject is not of much interest to me personally. Despite a life long fascination with F/M DD (that later extended into other Femdom activities on occasion) - I have always have a strong aversion to restraint. I can't even say why - maybe a past life death for all I know. My wife does usually spank me otk with one leg "locking me in place" - but that, and my hand sometimes held pinned to my back, is all the restraint used in our home. And really, personal aversion aside, I would agree with the majority opinion that it is unnecessary and overly complicated. But, still - as always, to each couple their own.

    But Dan brings up another issue that, as he pointed out, also came up last time - that of acceptance and consent. It seems from what has been posted here as well as what I have read in other forums over the years, that most disciplinary couples try to minimize the husband's "right to consent" as much as possible - so that the spankings can be as truly disciplinary as possible (after all, the proverbial spanked child obviously does not have to give consent!) - as opposed to BDSM in general, which is largely about role play and consent is everything. But, given that, obviously in any adult spanking situation, consent is always given at some level - even if only to give a blanket consent and say "that I consent to be a spanked husband and consent for my wife to have absolute discretion in regard to all disciplinary measures". And, still, the husband "consents" each time his wife decides to spank him as he can always refuse in theory - and I would wager that even in the most "true" DWC marriages, there are times in the midst of a "real fight" where a husband might refuse a spanking (or the wife might decide it is not the best time because she knows the husband's ability to submit might be pushed to the breaking point). There have been times over the years in our marriage, where I've actually had to say "not right now" in the midst of what I felt like was a real fight - or times when my wife told me that I deserved a spanking "right now" but that she would wait till later after we had calmed down. But, the deserved spanking always came at some point later in day - and always harder and longer than it would have been if it had not been delayed. Just a couple of thoughts, --al

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    1. Hi al. I don't think I've ever refused one, and I can't think of a time whe she has delayed one out of concern I wouldn't submit. But, there have been a few times where in the heat of the moment she has seemed to forget about her disciplinary role entirely and reverted to flouncing out in a huff. And, truth be told, in such a moment of anger I probably should be GLAD she forgot that she could just end the argument with a spanking.

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    2. I guess the point I was getting at in the last couple of sentences was that we pay attention to the advice often given to parents who spank their kids - Don't spank in anger. (When I was growing up, I'm pretty sure that ALL the parents in our part of the country spanked their kids, some more than others of course. Things are different now.) I have "spoken" before about my alpha personality, but the truth is my wife also has an alpha disposition - so, we've had some pretty heated arguments over the years, less so now - as sooner or later, the argument will just end up creating a well blistered behind (mine). However, early on, we made it part of our DWC agreement that spanking would not occur if either of us was angry - so perhaps that will add some context to my earlier statement. Of course, I would still get spanked as a result, but it would just be later in the day, but definitely before going to bed. And really, in a good number of years in this lifestyle, delay has only been needed a few times - and less so as time goes on. And, As I've discussed before, for some of us it seems that after a while it becomes almost psychologically impossible to resist our wife's command to assume the position - so there has to be some really heated argument going on to request a delay. --al

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    3. Al,
      Our DD experiences and reactions to them as well as the way they have evolved is simply striking. I know you are not my brother and your wife is not my wife's sister but sometimes it almost seems they must be. Maybe they secretly know each other and exchange practices without our knowing.More seriously I think the pattern our DD relationships have taken is much more frequent than one might suppose. BTw , a few posts back Dan attributed the authorship of "EVEN MORE" to you. If so,it is one of the two or three best fiction DD stories I have ever read (also as I recall, it was based on real life experience)Nicely done.
      Alan

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  21. Because I am the head of the household, my wife and I discuss each punishment session that is outside our regularly scheduled Monday morning paddling. I consent individually to these other sessions, and I have not consented on a couple of occasions. But it is a discussion, not a fight. She has understood why I felt a punishment was not warranted, and did not feel threatened by my refusal. 90 percent of the time, I agree and accept the punishment. But we always talk about it first.
    Arthur

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