“Most people don't have that willingness to break bad
habits. They have a lot of excuses and they talk like victims.” - Carlos
Santana
What should she do about it to help you change. This is a challenging one. As I related a few weeks ago, she did start cracking down a few weeks ago, not in terms of increasing spankings or punishment but in setting more rules and trying to stop the over-consumption before it happened. It caused a lot of resentment on my end, and when I expressed that, she felt (justifiably) undermined. Since then, I have thought about a comment Alan made to the effect that every time his wife or girlfriend has tightened the screws he has initially felt resentment, but then would adjust. I think maybe I need to just accept the resentment as part of the process with any “real” discipline. What kid spanked for bad behavior or told to go to be early doesn’t resent his parents for some period of time after the discipline is applied? So, I think I probably need to talk to her about it again, and maybe this time we come up with some more concrete agreement on what she will and won’t do right away, and kind of crank thinks up a bit more gradually. With respect to punishment, there was a lot of support last week for multiple days of spankings for a single offense, and I think we probably need to explore that on a more systematic basis. And, for many couples consistency seems to be the key to real change.
Hello all. Welcome
back to The Disciplinary Couples Club.
Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being
in, Domestic Discipline relationships, mainly of the Female/male variety. I hope you had a good week.
Last week’s conversation was interesting and may or may not have been revealing as to what really drives our group. I had thought that a wide-open topic like what you are or might be willing to be subjected to, or what she might be willing to impose, in order to get enough behavioral leverage to overcome a repeated problem might elicit a wide diversity of responses. Didn’t really turn out that way. This time, multiple spankings seems to have the most support, and coincidentally my wife sent me a text instructing me that I am in for spankings spanning several days. Of course, it likely isn’t really coincidental, because she has been reading this blog and is probably absorbing all sorts of potentially painful ideas from you folks.
Last week’s conversation was interesting and may or may not have been revealing as to what really drives our group. I had thought that a wide-open topic like what you are or might be willing to be subjected to, or what she might be willing to impose, in order to get enough behavioral leverage to overcome a repeated problem might elicit a wide diversity of responses. Didn’t really turn out that way. This time, multiple spankings seems to have the most support, and coincidentally my wife sent me a text instructing me that I am in for spankings spanning several days. Of course, it likely isn’t really coincidental, because she has been reading this blog and is probably absorbing all sorts of potentially painful ideas from you folks.
Almost all the
responses reduce in some way to making spankings more fearful, and not with
non-spanking methods of bringing about behavioral change. When we talked about repeat offenses two years ago, one wife (Marisa) was getting frustrated enough to consider taking things in another direction:
"I am weary of
punishing him repeatedly for the same behavior. I know especially if I spank
him in front of another male or couple ( no couple now is available but a male
is), Jay would do anything in his power to avoid a repeat. I am not suggesting
anyone else try this and it is risky which is probably why I have not already
used it. But sooner or later a wife gets tired of revisiting the same issues (
I hear some of this echoed in Anna's remarks above). I am not going to divorce
him while spanking still works but I am going to find a way to beat his ass
that lasts a long long time."
This week’s topic is a fairly logical extension of last
week’s. I had originally planned to post
tomorrow, thinking I didn’t have enough time to come up with something while
juggling everything else I had to get done today. Then, in reviewing comments from yesterday, I
noted that “a husband who knows” was kind enough to help me out with an idea
that is pretty direct and doesn’t require a lot of work on my end. He suggested: “What behavior have you been
punished for most in the last year or so?
Why are you repeating the behavior? What has your wife done about it?
What should she do about it to help you change?
Do you really want to change the behavior? How upsetting is it to your wife?”
I’m happy to go first, though my answers won’t surprise many
long-term readers.
What have I been punished for most in the last year. I have been punished the most for
over-consumption of alcohol, i.e., binge drinking. Hands down, it is definitely my most
challenging behavioral fault.
Why am I repeating the behavior? Probably a combination of
long-established habit, social acceptance (indeed, encouragement) among our
social and work friends, job responsibilities that include lots of socializing
over drinks and dinner, and probably some genetic component that involves
lacking the kind of “off switch” that more moderate drinkers have that leaves
them fully satisfied after a drink or two.
What has my wife done about it? Lots and lots of
spankings over the years, though with only a few exceptions single spankings
for each offense. So, not a lot of being put through a second or third spanking on an already sore bottom.
What should she do about it to help you change. This is a challenging one. As I related a few weeks ago, she did start cracking down a few weeks ago, not in terms of increasing spankings or punishment but in setting more rules and trying to stop the over-consumption before it happened. It caused a lot of resentment on my end, and when I expressed that, she felt (justifiably) undermined. Since then, I have thought about a comment Alan made to the effect that every time his wife or girlfriend has tightened the screws he has initially felt resentment, but then would adjust. I think maybe I need to just accept the resentment as part of the process with any “real” discipline. What kid spanked for bad behavior or told to go to be early doesn’t resent his parents for some period of time after the discipline is applied? So, I think I probably need to talk to her about it again, and maybe this time we come up with some more concrete agreement on what she will and won’t do right away, and kind of crank thinks up a bit more gradually. With respect to punishment, there was a lot of support last week for multiple days of spankings for a single offense, and I think we probably need to explore that on a more systematic basis. And, for many couples consistency seems to be the key to real change.
As for leverage beyond that, I'm one of last week's offenders who struggles to come up with something realistic beyond things we have already done like spanking and grounding.
Do you really want to change the behavior? Again,
this question is not as simple as it appears.
When I have a bad night and do something stupid, I very much regret it
and wish to be held accountable for it.
And, I do wish that I could moderate more easily on my own. But, the plain fact is, I’ve been doing this
for my entire adult life, and there are a ridiculous number of temptations in
my current job. So, I feel about this
sort of the same way I feel about dieting and cardio exercising. I hate dieting and I detest cardio workouts,
yet when I get on the scale and feel disgusted at the ever-larger number I know
that while I may not like displaying discipline in what I eat and in
doing that run regardless of how boring, it is good for me. So, I would say the rational part of me does
want to change while the part of me that is all id kind of likes how
things are.
How upsetting is it to her? I’m not sure how to quantify it, and I
think it depends on the specific context.
I think her attitude varies between disappointment and concern I will do
something stupid sometime and hurt myself or someone else. But, I’ve also been honest with her that I
think her own attitude toward alcohol is not entirely consistent, because while
she definitely has a problem with my bingeing, almost all her own close friends
are also big drinkers. In fact, her two
closest friends and their spouses drink a lot more than I do! So, she obviously finds something attractive
about people who have this aspect to their personalities, even if it concerns
her where my behavior is concerned.
Though, I guess you could say that her attitude isn’t all that different
from how I feel about it myself – attracted on a visceral level but cognizant
of the downsides of excess.
Breaking substance-related habits, which in some circumstances might be considered addictions,is among the most difficult issues for behavior modification proesssionals. I think food, when used for the purpose of numbing anxiety is very similar.
ReplyDeleteNo one has found the magic bullet for these things and recidivism after most, if not all, formal programs is generally high. I don't know what they consider a praiseworthy recidivism rate, but I'm pretty sure it is shockingly high.
For me, the bare truth (yeah I couldn't resist that) is that there has to be a very high level of personal, internal commitment on the part of the individual needing the changes. Let me repeat that for super-emphasis; the individual must be all in and dedicated to the change. Only then can the disciplinarian's efforts, regardless of how "consistent" or "severe" genuinely contribute to the solution. There are exceptions of course where the discipline is enough of a factor. But that depends on the power of the habit or addiction.
In a way, it's not fair to move the goal posts for what the disciplinarian is expected to do without the individual finding a way to move their own internal goal posts and do more as well.
At the end of the day, both parties are rowing the boat and without equal effort the boat just goes in circles.
I can't disagree with any of this. I do wonder, however, whether there is a combination of severity and consistency--or some "leverage" or "collateral" of the type we talked about last week--that could bring about change even if the recipient's dedication doesn't match that of the disciplinarian. As ZM noted last week: "I don’t have any ideas for leverage or collateral that my wife might use, but it is a fascinating idea. There is something intriguing about her having the power to actually FORCE a change, since the IMMEDIATE COST of not changing is just too high." What I wonder is whether that forcing of a change is possible for harder things like substance-related habits and addictions, or is that where the DD fantasy departs from reality. I do recall that Alan has alluded to his wife using DD to stop his smoking addiction.
DeleteWell, I can pretty much guarantee that this will be a stand-alone response, but if I am going to take the question seriously and answer it honestly, then it's going to be pretty blunt.
ReplyDelete“What behavior have you been punished for most in the last year or so?"
Snippiness and attitude driven by frustration and impatience.
"Why are you repeating the behavior?"
This is how I react to certain situations and those situations have not changed. When I am putting forth a lot of effort for others and I can't get the degree of compensatory attention to offset those efforts, I get annoyed and rather than smash everything in the house, I get snippy instead.
"What has your wife done about it?"
She has explained how my reaction just makes the situation worse rather than better and has punished me on the occasions where my reaction seemed disproportionate to the circumstances.
"What should she do about it to help you change?"
I don't think I'll ever change. But if she (and others) want the snippiness to stop, I would suggest a greater degree of energy and attention be expended by those around me to make me feel more appreciated and included and valued. People SAY it. Hell I have a drawer full of Hallmark cards with the sweetest compliments. But I'd happily trade them in like coupons for some action instead. I tend to think that after a week's worth of efforts (mentoring, chauffeuring, repairing things, cooking, food shopping, paying bills with limited funds, and sacrificing what i want in favor of what others need) if I then said, "Hey guys, it's going to be a nice day. Let's have a family day in the beautiful backyard and enjoy what we have in one another's fine company." And my responses were: "Yeah, KD, that sounds great! I'll vacuum the pool." "Yeah cool, don't worry about lunch, I'll take care of that." "Oh, I have to work, but before I go let me put out the cushions for the chairs and then I'll join you all when I get back." "Hey let's set up the yard game too!" "What do yo think of ice cream later? Or a movie when the mosquitoes come out?" I would probably be angelic and without a whit of sarcasm. I would be cured!
"Do you really want to change the behavior?"
I suppose it would be extremely empowering for me to be able to do what I do, and not be at all bothered by what others do or don't do in return. It would be a much healthier way to see things. So, yes. I'd like to change that, and if I was a robot with a software program I might take myself into a shop to have that program deleted and replaced with a different one. (Perhaps one based on the brain patterns of Mother Teresa?) But at this point in my life I don't see it changing due to a spanking, or mouth soap, or writing lines, or what-the-fuck-ever. Maybe a lobotomy would work?
"How upsetting is it to your wife?”
Very. Probably as upsetting as the behaviors that trigger my snippiness are to me.
I doubt it is a random accident that both you and Tomy, and my post itself, end up focusing on "do you really want to change" as the likely reason that change doesn't happen. The plain fact is, part of my identity is wrapped up in the image of hard drinking, hard living, anti-heroes. I gravitate toward characters like Norm Peterson, Ben Rumson, Tyrion Lannister, Don Draper, Bluto Blutowski, Captain Jack Sparrow . . . and deep down inside it is part of my identity, so while, I know it would be better for me to change, changing not just what you do but who you are is tough. I wonder if it is the same for you, that as much as you think it would be empowering to do what you do and just be happy about, is there part of you that identifies with being the mistreated and disgruntled curmudgeon?
DeleteNo, I don't think so. It seems more appealing to me that to be happier I would just want to be happier.....not "identity-true but miserable". I would love for either of the two options listed above to come to pass: 1: everyone else step up their game, or 2: me being comfortable being utterly guiltless at saying no to a LOT of things.
DeleteSince I can't do anything to make #1 happen, I have often tried to put #2 into action......but it is difficult for me. The other thing is that people lie. They say things like, "If you don't want to do something , then just don't do it" like doing that would have no ramifications, when at the moment of truth that same advice-giving person doesn't feel the same when the "no" is directed at them.
I know someone who is able to enjoy almost every situation no matter what goes wrong, yet this same person only ever does what he feels like doing. He seems utterly content and those around him bear him no grudges for his refusals. I, on the other hand, when I would try the same thing, was hammered by those around me with pressure to give in to the crowd.
I only identify with the mistreated and disgruntled curmudgeon because it's how things play out almost every time. But if I could feel like what I do is reciprocated, I would not feel that way and I would certainly prefer that because life is too short to waste opportunities for fun.
I am a little late to the party but I agree with Tomy that for deeply ingrained habits and behavior, one must want to change combined with severity and consistency of punishment AND clearly articulated expectations from your wife or girlfriend. However for more trivial offenses such as language,misbehaving in public, carelessness or even attitude, spanking alone if consistent and severe enough can change behavior.Its something of a cost benefit sort of calculus: my wife HATES spills throughout the house particularly if she thinks I am being careless. I was spanked for it many times before I learned to be more careful and adopt her standards.It wasn't that I wanted to change but I didn't want a spanking. With cigarettes, no amount of severity or consistently would have done it without me buying in completely to the point I wore nicotine patches
DeleteAlan
KD: But, there is a third option, right? Do things for people without worrying about whether they step up their game in terms of reciprocating? It's interesting that you see the only options as (a) everyone steps up to meet your efforts; or (b) you stop your efforts. It seems to beg the question of what exactly is the motivation for the efforts, i.e. are you doing it for their benefit or for what you think you'll get in return. I'm not saying I'm not guilty of some of the same thing, including feeling like I've given up a lot of my own desires over time so my family got what they wanted and needed. But, I see the goal as getting over that and not being attached to getting what I want, not just dropping what I do for them. I've always thought you define yourself more as a submissive vis-a-vis the women in your life than I do. And, you clearly like doing things with your hands and have a lot of skills in that area, so I would assume you get some pleasure of things like renovating something for your wife or daughter. Yet, it doesn't seem like you get much pleasure out of those things for their own sake.
DeleteAlan: A few months ago, you related that your wife was continuing making you stop drinking entirely. Do you think in that case, she could have pulled it off and imposed that new reality on you, even though it doesn't sound like you are totally bought in?
DeleteAlan, meant to say she was "considering" making you stop drinking, not "continuing" . . .
DeleteDan: I thought I listed your third option in my very first comment. So if anyone here knows of a reliable reprogramming procedure for one’s brain, please let me know. As it stands it is a pretty hardwired aspect of my personality.
DeleteA lot of what I do is with a goal of shared enjoyment whether it is my life at home or even my blog. And I think the lack of success across the board is a testament to my goals being unrealistic in the world we live in. However I am intrigued by the notion of “well this isn’t working for you so just change that part of yourself and you will be fine “ being raised in a thread about real behaviors that people seemingly repeat because they can’t seem to change the underlying causes for. I mean...yes, change is a great goal. But isn’t this entire blog about how the guys here seem unable to do that?
Dan,
DeleteThe issue was mooted when I was medically advised to cut back or stop. I stopped completely and her support rather than her discipline has helped. Actually now several months since I have had a drink I am surprised at how easy stopping was. Smoking was very different because I was addicted to nicotine. If and when I am medically cleared to drink again she has already told me there will be "strict limits" on consumption. So the issue may come up again
Alan
KD: I'm not saying changing the behaviors or attitudes is easy at all. Hence the topic, the blog and this thread. Your first comment said it would be "empowering" to just go about doing what you're doing without getting a return, but then in the next comment you didn't seem to see that as even a possibility.
DeleteI think it is possible to change attitudes, not just behaviors, but I highly doubt that in most cases it is going to be brought about by most of the things we talk about here. I think mediation coupled with letting go of a lot of abstract concepts like "fairness" that become real attachments actually can work, but it takes a hell of a lot of effort and time. I've been doing it for years and have made some progress on some fronts, but I haven't had a lot of success on things like being wired to people please and being success-oriented, which actually drive a lot of my workplace socializing.
Alan, that's an interesting development. I'm glad you found it easy to quit, and I think we may be wired similarly. Despite my bingeing, I am not physically addicted to alcohol. I am totally dry more days a week than not. But, when I was smoking, I was strongly, strongly physically addicted to it. The main reason I have not had a single cigarette since I stopped 25 years ago is I vividly recall just how hard it was stop. Hell, it's been 25 years and I sometimes still have dreams about smoking, and in those dreams the physical effect of smoking is incredibly satisfying. I don't have any doubt that one or two cigarettes would lead by buying a pack the next day, and a month later I would be totally addicted again.
DeleteDan: well again at the risk of sounding dismissive, I think your reply speaks volumes about this “repeat offense” issue. Essentially what sounds initially like a pretty specific topic is really extremely varied and complex, incorporating everything from minor repeated habits to full-blown addictive behaviors and (as evidenced by my own issues) a whole lot in-between.
DeleteI can’t imagine trying to deal with this variety in an effective debate without subdividing the behaviors into categories rather than by what the most frequently repeated transgression is for each of us.
Trying to get some sort of DD solution for some things seems plausible but using it for other stuff seems somewhat absurd. Even looking at willingness to change is obviously not as much of a factor as the seriousness and depth of the underlying issue that is trying to be changed.
I guess what I am trying to say and what seems apparent by the diversity of issues already seen in just one day is that the subject is valid but a rather large bite. Perhaps you can subdivide this issue in installments of categorized behaviors. Like addictions one week, annoying bad habits another week, and even deep rooted personality traits that lead to confrontation another week? You certainly won’t run out of topics for a while!😉
KD: Actually, it seemed pretty narrow and confined until your first comment. :-)
DeleteHi Dan,
DeleteJust an important amplification bearing on the relative ease I found it to be stop drinking. It was easy for me but it is estimated that genetics is involved in 50 percent or so of alcoholism.So if my genetic makeup was different my experience might have been very different also. Alcohol can be a very addictive drug.
Alan
Agreed. Conversely, I know some people who can smoke a few cigarettes at the bar and never feel the need for one the next day, and also people who smoked for years and quit with relative easy. My genetics/chemistry are the opposite -- I know if I had another cigarette today, there is a very good chance I would not be able to stop myself from going right back up to a pack or two a day. And, when I did quit it took me many months to feel even somewhat normal again.
DeleteDan: lol well considering my comment was the second one you got, the narrow and confined scope didn’t last long at all.
DeleteSeriously though in the few responses already posted addictive/overindulgent behaviors are the clear majority with just me and cagedlion mentioning more attitudinal or mood based behaviors. No one so far has brought up slacker behavior and yet a while back that seemed to closely rival overindulgence. But it’s only Sunday!😉
Could be a separate attitude question is merited, though it might be addressed here as well. I could see attitudinal/mood based behaviors being harder to address, but like the overindulgence/laziness/sloppiness and inattention kind of stuff, it probably depends on how serious and deep-rooted it is. And, what if someone has just a generally bad attitude or outlook? Spanking probably wouldn't cure that directly, but it could change the outward expression of it, and I do think that there is a feedback loop between our feelings and our expressions of those feelings. For example, I tend to be pretty cynical. If I got spanked or reprimanded every time I say something snotty or cynical, the spanking or reprimand might not immediately lead to a reduction in my cynical attitude, but I might learn to be careful about expressing that cynicism, and not expressing it as often might, over time, actually reduce the depth or breadth of that cynicism. It probably depends on the extent to which you think happiness is a choice. I do believe it can be, but it takes a lot of work and overcoming old thought patterns.
Delete@Kdpierre: You say: "So if anyone here knows of a reliable reprogramming procedure for one’s brain, please let me know. As it stands it is a pretty hardwired aspect of my personality."
DeleteActually there is a program that works pretty well. It is called EFT. I had huge success with it in some areas of my life. Also: Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) has been approved as a “generally safe” therapy by the US Veterans Administration (VA). After reviewing the extensive evidence for the safety and efficacy of EFT, a group of experts in the VAs Integrative Health Coordinating Center published a statement approving EFT and several other complementary and integrative health (CIH) practices.
The approval means that VA therapists will be able to use EFT with their clients suffering from PTSD, depression, anxiety, pain and other conditions.
EFT is a form of psychological acupressure, based on the same energy meridians used in traditional acupuncture to treat physical and emotional ailments for over 5,000 years, but without the invasiveness of needles. Instead, simple tapping with the fingertips is used to input kinetic energy onto specific meridians on the head and chest while you think about your specific problem — whether it is a traumatic event, an addiction, pain, etc. — and voice positive affirmations.
This combination of tapping the energy meridians and voicing positive affirmation works to clear the "short-circuit" — the emotional block — from your body's bioenergy system, thus restoring your mind and body's balance, which is essential for optimal health and the healing of physical disease.
Brad Yates, on you tube , has hundreds of good eft videos.
Lawyer: Thank you for the suggestion. Interestingly enough I seem to have had an epiphany of sorts and have gone about making changes to a few key problem areas. It's early yet, but I think I could be on the right track. If not, EFT could be a possibility. Ya never know.
DeleteMy problem is overeating. My wife started spanking me at my request as a way to encourage me to diet. It worked spectacularly well — I lost 21 pounds this year since we started. But lately I’ve gained 4 pounds in the last 2 weeks. Some of it was due to going on vacation. But I told my wife I don’t want to make excuses, so please paddle me. Of course she said yes.
ReplyDeleteBut I have decided that I need more than the threat of spanking. I need sequential spankings — hard corporal punishment at least 3 days in a row. She gave me a really hard and long spanking Friday night l. She was planning to give me another yesterday but we had concert tickets and she didn’t have time. While at dinner I started asking to order more appetizers and that angered her — she told me I’m getting a 100-swat spanking next time!
So this week we will see whether sequential spankings work. I’m going to suggest she paddle my bare bottom hard, with bruising, today, tomorrow and Tuesday. I am kind of afraid of it but I know I need it. We will see whether it works!
Obviously, keep us posted.
DeleteGiven, that the issues I'm punished for are rather trivial. At least they were trivial. We are moving into more serious behavioral problems now like me interrupting her and otherwise disregarding what she says to me.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, with the easy stuff, it turned out that 100% consistency caused me to change. It wasn't that I lived in dread of punishment. I just changed. For me, at least, a cause and effect relationship between a behavior and spanking worked on my subconscious. Now, I've been receiving sequential spankings, a minimum of two in that many days for any offense. This makes me think consciously about correcting my behavior.
Of course it's helpful if I want to change the behavior. However, I don't think it's required. An undesired behavior and punishment constitute a transaction; at least that's how I think about it. If the cost, the pain, is higher than the reward for the undesired behavior, eventually I will catch on and avoid paying the price.
For this to work, I think there has to be a way to make undesired behavior too "expensive" to attempt. The problem with physical punishment is that it can only go so far without causing real injury or upsetting the punisher too much. That puts an upper limit on the cost of being "naughty". However sequential spankings gets us past this limit. At least it seems to be doing the trick for me.
I like the "transaction" analogy.
DeleteShe spanked me hard this afternoon but not for long. She said she was worried about damaging the skin on my butt. I have to admit that at one point it hurt so much I asked her to stop. Fortunately, she kept going but stopped soon after. Still, my butt is very sore, and she reiterated that I will be spanked tomorrow and Tuesday. I know for sure that my eating and drinking habits are in check today. I hope I can keep it up this week.
ReplyDeleteWell, it worked for at least one day. Keep it up!
DeleteEither she forgot or chose not to give me a third paddling in 4 days. I was kind of relieved about that lol! And maybe I didn’t need the sequential spankings— I lost 1.5 pounds since Sunday, so I'm on track toward my goal of losing 2 pounds a week
DeleteDealing with severe and potentially damaging issues like alcoholism is beyond spanking therapy, IMHO. However, there is a very effective solution of more trivial concerns. If regular spankings don't cure the habit, require him to masturbate before a severe spanking for, say, a third offense. I've not heard of anyone who doesn't dread a post-orgasm thrashing.
ReplyDeleteI agree that if the problem is alcoholism, or depression and other severe mood disorders, versus milder issues that are more oriented toward simple lack of self-control, medical or psychological treatment or a 12-step program are probably the way to go. You're right that severity (and consistency) have a better shot with more trivial concerns.
DeleteThis is a problem many of us has and I am no exception. Our original concept of 3 levels of punishment was instituted to take care of this. Each level increases the number of strokes and often adds another implement. My biggest downfall is taking medication. I take pills both breakfast and dinner. Most of the time I remember them without fail. It is the times we are out of our routine, such as eating out or something else going on at mealtime, such as guests. Spankings have increased as do the number of times I commit the same offense. I would very much like to stop committing this offense and have tried various methods, like bring pills with me if we go out for a meal. It works sometimes, but not often enough. Perhaps as some have suggested, spankings on multiple days could be tried. I know she is tired of punishing for the same reason. We usually review our list of offenses and prescribed punishments annually and adjust if necessary. She may, at this time suggest increasing the punishment for this offense. If she does, I have no choice but to accept it.
ReplyDeleteSounds like an adjustment may be in order. Let us know how it goes.
DeleteThis is "a husband who knows." I am in a D/s and FLR relationship with my wife in addition to DD, so she basically has total authority over me. And she has exercised it in the past year to help me with weight loss.
ReplyDeleteWhat have I been punished for most in the last year?
Not losing weight. For the two years previous I was spanked weekly in a program that I designed in which I weighed in naked in front of her and received consequences if I did not lose my goal of two pounds a week. In two years I lost 11 pounds. My wife got tired of the lack of progress and decided she was going to take control of the situation.
Why are you repeating the behaviors?
I believe I do have a food addiction. It is not as simple as willpower. I eat for comfort, and so any stress leads me to food. There are times where I know I should walk away from the cookies and chips and feel physically unable to do so.
What has your wife done about it? What should she do about it to help you change?
As mentioned, for two years she followed the program I designed. She ramped up the spankings, but the once-a-week check-in just wasn't working.
She began by making me an appointment with my doctor (without my knowledge). She announced one morning that we were going to the doctor together. I have a woman doctor; that ties into our humiliation kink. When we got to the office, I was weighed and my temperature and blood pressure taken, per usual. Then the doctor came in for a conference. My wife asked her to relate the history of our conversations about weight loss, and some little white lies of mine came out. I had told my wife that the doctor said my soccer-ravaged knees could not handle exercise, but the doctor in reviewing her notes mentioned that she had suggested I get a recumbent bicycle for exercise. She also discussed the extreme hazards that I had not reported: That I was pre-diabetic and was likely shortening my life. She also reported that she had suggested to me that I join a group program such as Weight Watchers, Overeaters Anonymous, etc., in which a group meets regularly to provide accountability and encouragement.
How upsetting is it to your wife? Do you really want to change the behavior?
My wife left the doctor's appointment in a really dark mood. She was extremely angry that I had not completely reported what the doctor had said over the last few appointments, and even more upset that I wasn't doing any of the things recommended by the doctor. I tried to talk about it in the ride home, but she declined. She said she wanted to think. Later that evening she said that she was going to work out a weight-loss program for me, and that I was sleeping in the spare bedroom that night and there better be no "shenanigans" (which means masturbation; I report all incidents to her and am punished for them).
I had to agree that I really had not made a full effort to change the behavior.
Her dark mood lasted for three days. On the third day, a recumbent bike arrived at our home. She sat me down and delivered the program I would be doing for the next year. (See second post)
A husband who knows, part II
ReplyDeleteThe program:
1. Ride the recumbent bike six days a week. Only excuse is if I am really sick or out of town.
2. Restricted spanking during this weight-loss time because it might affect my ability to ride the bike. This was the worst possible punishment that I could imagine, because I crave spankings, which of course she knows. She gave me a lengthy lecture about how this hurt her as much as me, because she loves to give spankings. She left it open that she might spank someone else and said she would do it in front of me to make me extremely jealous. Ironic for this group (and our lives) that she was sort of suspending DD -- but truly a motivating factor for me.
3. Weekly participation in Overeaters Anonymous 12-step program. Get a sponsor and fully follow the program. No excuses for not attending, as there are meetings almost every day. She had already located a meeting near our house.
4. Follow OA's program of 3 meals a day, with food weighed, and certain foods banned. Daily tracking of success.
5. Open communication between my wife and my sponsor on my progress.
6. She gave me an order that at the next family event I was going to announce that I was on a special weight-loss program and ask all relatives to participate by reporting to her any transgressions that they noticed. The "it takes a village" approach. She knew I would find this extremely embarrassing -- and motivating. Of course at that meeting my little sister was very enthusiastic about "helping," and she has reported several incidents of my sneaking desserts.
7. In the same vein, she set up a meeting with my supervisor at work. I begged her not to, but she said it was required because I went out to lunch with co-workers every day and I had broken trust. She explained the situation to my supervisor at our meeting, and that I would be bringing my lunch from now on and needed to eat at work rather than going out. My supervisor agreed that this was necessary to save my life, and added that I should be banned from even entering the snack room, where there are food machines. She promised to let my wife know if I went into the snack room, and the two of them agreed to share the rule with other employees if necessary.
8. My wife ordered me a T-shirt she had made that says, "I refuse to lose weight even though it is threatening my life." She told me that if I did not succeed in the program that she would make me wear it in public.
9. Weekly review sessions with my wife that include being weighed naked and an evaluation of my progress.
10. Reward each seventh day if I meet my goals: Tease session with release, sometimes inside her. Punishment: no sexual contact (with her or myself) for the following week.
My goal is to lose 100 pounds in 1 year. So far we are on week 22 and I have lost 48 pounds, so a little ahead of schedule. I have not yet had to wear the T-shirt. I have gotten spanked a few times for other things, but nothing like it used to be. She hasn't spanked anyone else in front of me. We did go back to the doctor a couple of weeks ago, and she laid out the program for her. The doctor smiled at me (embarrassing!) and said it obviously was working so to continue.
I hate this program and hate that we are not doing DD as much. But I admit that it is working.
A husband who knows
This is a great post, and thanks for sharing it. Many of the parts of your program could have fit in perfectly with last week's topic on "leverage" or "collateral." Making a doctor's appointment for you and attending it herself knowing that would be embarrassing, having a talk with your supervisor at work, making you announce your new program to your family . . . all of those are things I would see as great examples of finding away to get really force change where DD just wasn't enough.
DeleteI kind of resonate with one of Dan's replies to KD. "I think mediation coupled with letting go of a lot of abstract concepts like "fairness" that become real attachments actually can work, but it takes a hell of a lot of effort and time."
ReplyDeleteAnd at the same time, I do resonate with KD's frustration with the perceived selfish behavior and lack of proactive consideration by others. Sigh!
Every now and then I come across a real life story about human kindness and generosity that inspires me. It's like finding a truffle or a diamond. In a very compressed nutshell, an old man I know, who was in a bad way (too much to go into) was literally adopted by a family with kids and all. They fixed up a room, put in furniture and made him, not a guest, but a family member. He's "grandpa" now and tears up when he talks about his gratitude.
I know that story does nothing for KD's situation. But what the heck?
One small correction: I meant to say "meditation . . ." not "mediation . . ."
DeleteThat is a great story, and while it is obviously outside the norm, I think people do nice, appreciative things for others all the time, but our 24/7 negative news cycle sometimes creates a false picture. And, it doesn't have to be big things. A few weeks ago, I was in the drive-thru at Starbucks, and when I got to the window to pick up my coffee order, I was told that the person ahead of me had already paid for it. Totally made my day, and I've subsequently done it a few times myself.
>>>>>>One small correction: I meant to say "meditation . . ." not "mediation . . ." <<<<<<
DeleteI figured it was a typo, but naturally assumed you meant "medication" and left out the "c". I love 'self-medicating' and it does work to a degree.
Now, me meditating? Hmmmmmm, tough one. It would be like......
R.Kelly singing Don Giovanni
Gilbert Gottfried playing Hamlet
Harvey Weinstein NOT having sex with a starlet
or Donald Trump reading a book.......all possible, but....?
Tomy: Great story. If he's a friend of yours I'd advise him to sleep lightly and keep an eye on his internal organs. ;-) Just kidding.
Self-medicating definitely would not be part of my advice for change, since for me self-medication is *the* problem that needs to be changed!
DeleteKD You are a true-blue sicko. But I still like ya :)
DeleteYeah, that was pretty damn funny!
DeleteTomy & Dan: Thanks. Just me being me. LOL
DeleteI really have to agree with Dan's (and others) comments that those with real addictions should be seeking help with doctors, therapists, and 12 Step programs (AA, NA, OA, GA, etc) - spanking might help as an augmentation - but spanking alone is very unlikely to be of much help with a real addiction. However, I would also agree that spanking can go a long way toward breaking bad habits - which might involve some of the same things (smoking, alcohol, overeating) that are addictions for some and just bad habits for others.
ReplyDeleteThe behavior that my wife most wanted to address as we adopted the DWC lifestyle, was my tendency to embarrass her in public (and worse yet, around friends and family) with my arrogant, smartass attitude (the alpha thing...), as well as swearing at inappropriate times. I have received many, many spankings over the years for this type of thing - but, while by no means perfect, my behavior in this area is much improved and I "usually" pause and think before overreacting. So, DWC spanking has helped improve a specific behavior and moderate a "bad habit" in my case. And there are other more mundane issues that have been improved through disciplinary spanking as well - toilet seat up (seriously), attention to chores and household needs without being asked, etc...
However, more than breaking a bad habit or reinforcing behaviors, DWC discipline, for us, serves to maintain a certain attitude of deference and respect in the household, as well as emotional closeness. Which is why, for us, the weekly maintenance spanking is of such value (although I realize the concept is not helpful for all) - it maintains that DWC atmosphere of deference, respect, and closeness even if I have not "earned" a spanking.
--al
Hi al. I really like the distinction in your first paragraph re: the same kind of behavior can be a bad habit for some and an addiction for others. You could probably make a similar distinction on the attitudinal issues KD brought up. For some, a chronic bad attitude might be an acquired habit that could be broken or moderated with discipline and effort, while for others it might be a symptom of clinical depression that needs intervention from a doctor or therapist.
DeleteI don't think my wife has actually spanked me for the arrogant, smart ass thing except as a secondary aspect of imbibing too much, but it definitely is a big aspect of my character. And, I think it may be the whole reason that her efforts at tightening the screws a few weeks ago met with resentment -- because my arrogance and pride got in the way of simply submitting to the authority I had asked her to exercise.
I agree that spanking by itself is very unlikely to successfully deal with an addiction. I am living proof of that, as 2 years of successively severe spankings accomplished the grand total of 11 lbs lost as deal with my food addiction.
ReplyDeleteBut I also want to say that my program imposed by my wife in an FLR manner is the reason that I have lost weight. There is no way that I would have lost weight in a typical vanilla marriage with a loving and supportive spouse, even if she were my accountability partner.
I need for the program to be imposed and enforced by a very Authoritarian spouse who uses kink in her program of authority, imposing rewards and punishments that have a sexual component and tie into my fetishes.
So I do conclude that "this thing we do" can help deal with addiction as part of a comprehensive program that also likely includes 12-step, which is very into "surrender" and likely was devised by a Christian submissive!
I think DD husbands generally have issues with self-control, and need that control imposed from the outside. No great revelation there, just an observation. DD and FLR help me be a better husband and man because of my "character defect," as 12-step describes it, of weak self-control.
We are not involved in the local spanking scene as we once were, but we used to interact (verbally and in DD exchanges) with others, and neither my wife nor I can recall a single person who successfully dealt with addiction using corporal punishment alone. But we did meet couples where the husband had lost weight, stopped smoking, and stopped excessive gambling (but not excessive alcohol or drugs) through rewards, punishments, and rules imposed by the wife. So DD can help with at least some addictions.
A husband who knows
Addiction is rarely if ever resolved with DD alone.But DD may help in some situations In my own example which could be typical of DD "mediated" addiction therapy I stopped smoking ( over several months) from a combination of consistent severe spankings if I didn't meet my goals along the way ( systematic reduction of smoking), combined with a firm desire on my part to end smoking and aided by some chemistry ( nicotine patches). Would I have done it without the DD? Doubtful because I needed that externally administered discipline. But I probably wouldn't have done it without the patches either, so it takes a combination of therapies. Saying all that however, if my wife had not started the process by threatening ( and delivering) discipline I would never have started the process
DeleteAlan
It is interesting, isn't it, how Christianity, 12-Step programs, Buddhism, Tantra . . . and FLR all end up putting a lot weight on the concept of "surrender" and learning to accept that actions have consequences. There have been times that I have thought that DD was kind of inconsistent with some of my more eastern-oriented spiritual practices, then I was reading a Buddhist-oriented book on happiness, and the author said, literally, that every important teacher he had ever had "busted his ass." So, any concerns I had about the compatibility of DD and spiritual growth have now been resolved. :-)
DeleteDan: If that’s the case about consequences, Trump must have the wisest gurus and philosophers bewildered.
Delete$300M or so in inherited money does have a way of insulating someone from many of life's harshest consequences, doesn't it?
DeleteIn regards to smart-ass behavior, my wife draws a distinction of whether it is meant as a joke -- and makes her laugh-- or whether it is truly intended to be an arrogant comment, which earns me an immediate trip over her knee and severe application of the hairbrush. My arrogant attitude irritates her more than anything, and she will announce my punishment in front of ANYONE and carry it out ASAP in the nearest private place (including marching me into the nearest family bathroom that locks, where those outside can hear exactly what is happening).
ReplyDeleteSo I have learned to tap into her sense of humor before opening my mouth. As she says, "a smart mouth leads to a smarting behind!"
A husband who knows
We are nowhere close to that open, but part of me wishes we were, as I think it would go a long way towards keeping me in line.
DeleteOff topic - but in response to an earlier post - the history of the 12 Steps and AA (where the 12 Steps originated) is quite fascinating. AA's con-founder, Bill Wilson, wrote the 12 Steps with input from other early AA's in 1935. The Steps were essentially an adaption of the Oxford Group principles (early AA was very intertwined with the Oxford groups, a Christian movement not affiliated with any one church - but working with the various mainstream churches of the time - that branded itself as a "return to first century Christianity", particularly the Lutherans and Episcopalians).
ReplyDeleteWhile Bill Wilson was raised in a Christian Church (as were most in that era), he did not identify as a Christian at the time he founded AA - although he had important Christian mentors who played important roles in the history of AA - Rev. Shoemaker, an Episcopal Minister who ran the Oxford group that Bill Wilson attended while formulating the 12 Steps, and Catholic Priest Father Dowling, who Wilson later considered his spiritual sponsor in the early days of AA.
But Wilson was not Christian per se, although the 12 Steps were heavily influenced by a Christian group. And if one reads his biographies, he certainly would not appear to be a submissive - very much an alpha personality. But he was extremely devoted to his wife, Lois (who eventually founded Al-Anon) - despite having other partners even after he founded AA (although not conclusive, there is strong evidence to support the belief that Bill and Lois most likely had a consensual non-monogamy agreement. The "companionate" marriage model, a form of open marriage, was popular in the 30's).
So, it might be possible that he was submissive to Lois in some ways - but if there was any discipline involved, it certainly didn't help with his alcoholism. But, then again, many of us DWC hubbies are very alpha - which is why DWC discipline is so helpful. Interestingly, though, AA was founded in 1935 and Spencer Spanking Plan (a spousal spanking plan - which actually achieved widespread interest) was published in 1936.
Probably more than anyone wanted to know. Disclaimer - I am not in a 12 Step program, but after seeing a childhood friend rescued from the gutter by AA and then going on in a remarkably short time to turn his life completely around in every way (marriage, career, etc) - I was so fascinated that I ended up reading a couple of their histories. --al
Very interesting stuff. I have never been in a 12-step program, but I can see the dovetails with DD, particularly the emphasis on taking responsibility for your actions, surrendering to the situation as it is and to a higher authority, and opening up about your faults and surrendering to others' support.
DeleteSo, we will be leaving on a ten day car trip tomorrow for our summer vacation. My wife always has a suitable hairbrush with her and will also be taking the DWC mini-cane with her in case noise is an issue. We are driving so no need to worry about baggage inspections - although it will be discreetly packed as one of kids (now grown) is traveling with us. Since we will be sharing the room with our kid, there won't be any sex - and spanking would have to be worked in when our daughter is out on her own - which could easily happen. I seldom make it through a family vacation without at least one spanking. Regardless, I have already been promised a preventative paddling tonight - as we leave in the morning. Hopefully I will have time rejoin the conversation when we return. Have a good week, folks! --al
ReplyDeleteAl
ReplyDeleteMy wife first used preventatives before a long car trip ( girlfriend who introduced them used them for a different purpose). So how long do you think the effects last when driving together day after day. My wife thinks I am good for about three days and she is probably right before the effect starts swearing off. She carries a hairbrush with her too ( no cane) and I always know she will use it at the motel if she decides to. That combination of a warm bottom at the beginning of a trip plus the constant presence of that brush makes most trips today very peaceful. She administers the preventative as late as possible before leaving , sometimes the last thing before we leave the house.
Alan
Alan, my thoughts are very similar - the preventative is probably most effective for 2 - 3 days, and a sore butt while driving is a constant reminder. And 2 days will get us to our primary destination. And yes, knowing that the hairbrush is omnipresent is always a factor - and I have been spanked while on the road on more than one occasion as well, but since our daughter is traveling with us, that is off the table. She doesn't actually use a full sized cane, just a small "mini-cane" that Aunt Kay used to sell on the DWC site - and really only when there is a need to spank me without a lot of noise (she will sometimes use a switch as well if we are at home with overnight guests - in which case, I must go cut one for her - just as I had to for Mom growing up). But she actually enjoys the sound of a paddle on bare skin - so that is generally her preference. --al
ReplyDeleteAl
ReplyDeleteIt interesting how many times my wife has mentioned how much she enjoys the sound of her brush or paddle on my bare bum. I wonder if that is common among female disciplinarians.If I remember correctly she brought it up for the first time when we were talking about what she most enjoyed from spanking me. It was not the answer I expected at the time
Alan
My wife also likes to hear loud sounds during DD - the loud smack of wood, either hairbrush or paddle - on my bare bottom. And also my loud reactions. She says if I am stoic she does not know if she is getting through to me. So she wants to hear my "ow!" And apologies and begging, etc. She especially enjoys if others are hearing our DD sounds because it proves to all that she is in charge.
ReplyDeleteA husband who knows
Aunt Kay was like that too. She was not a big fan of the stoic responses she got from some guys. I'm proud to say she never, ever had to have that experience with me.
DeleteAllan wrote: <<>>
DeleteThat's a yes for me, Allan. The sound of the paddle or hairbrush on my husband's bare bum is satisfying and exciting. And like the wife of A Husband Who Knows and Aunt Kay, I don't like a stoic response from my husband. I like when he vocalizes the impact the spanking is having. As mentioned, I plan to give my husband his first spanking in front of a witness (my friend Barb) soon. I am curious to see whether he will try to maintain a stoic silence in front of her.
Danielle
I made the mistake of trying to be stoic in front of witnesses, and my wife did not like it and spanked the stoicism right out of me. She explained later that she needs to show the witnesses that the spanking is working! From then on I gave up my embarrassment about reacting because it was even more embarrassing to have her beat the stoicism out of me.
DeleteA husband who knows
Danielle,
DeleteHe will try to be stoic at first but it won't last. When I have been spanked in front of a witness I was at fist very conscious she is there which is embarrassing and tried to endure it quietly but as my wife scolds and the fire burns in my ass I forget she is there and I revert to normal spanking behavior which is anything but stoic. Also experience has taught me that she spanks harder and longer in front of a witness because she is determined to demonstrate her authority as well as show the spanking is real. Knowing that now I probably try a lot less to be stoic because it just produces more punishment.Btw I think you made a good call in inviting your friend rather than his sister to witness first. I am still not sure letting his sister see you spank him is a good idea particularly if he is erect before you spank him. I could be very wrong because my wife invites her sister to witness and that has worked out well
Alan
Danielle here:
DeleteAllan wrote: <<>>
Allan, I received some good advice from KD by email about how to handle the situation, and involving Barb first was one piece of advice I got from him. Nudity is certainly a big issue for Wayne. By his own account, he both does and does not want to be subjected to full exposure. I have said in previous posts that one of his kinks is small penis humiliation. We play a lot with that in the bedroom, and he really likes it. In fact, he is not really particularly small. I would say he is a big guy with an average penis, so maybe there is a relative smallness, but the SPH is really more an erotic game than a reality. KD advised me on ways to minimize Wayne’s frontal exposure when I spank him. I may do that, especially if I ever spank him in front of his sister. But Wayne has consented to do things my way, so I am having some fun thinking about how I want to do things. Barb is totally into it. I told her that Wayne will be really embarrassed but that embarrassment turns him on. I also told her that the erotic embarrassment will be heightened if she is involved because he finds her hot. She said she likes that, so she is into the erotic playfulness aspect of “discipline”. I’m thinking that eventually it might be exciting for Wayne if I involve Barb in some playful SPH.
Danielle
DeleteI like how you go back and forth between discipline eroticism and discipline fro disciplines sake. I suspect Wayne would find it very hot to be embarrassed in front of a really "hot" women.SPH holds no charm for us but there are many other potential embarrassing situations I would try to avoid - maybe the most embarrassing to be made to take repeated enemas in public prior to a pegging.Being spanked in front of a witness for me has become much more punishment than titillation -but the presence of a really hot woman might change that dramatically. My sister in law is attractive but not stunning and so the erotic change is lrdd when she witnesses instead of say (insert) Angelina Jolie or from an earlier era Emma Peel( perhaps the hottest femdom icon to ever avhieve wide fame) -and the reaction would be of the board. I can dream
Alan
My wife seems to like the sound of the paddle on my bare bottom but I think she like hearing my sounds more.
ReplyDeleteI think the key word in the topic is the word “punished”.
ReplyDeleteIn our home, spankings come in two forms; maintenance and punishment.
If the question had been, what are you spanked for the most, my immediate answer would have been “to remember who ultimately wears the pants (and who takes them off of me)” in our household. The majority of my time over DeeDee’s knee is for that purpose. She spanks me regularly to keep that fact front and foremost in my mind…and perhaps in hers. And, yes, that is a very important part of our dynamic and it is invaluable to our relationship.
What am I punished for most?
The circumstances might alter, but the root cause is almost inevitably one of two things; disobedience or disrespect. Disobedience, as I think I mentioned in previous posts, offers a bit of leeway where there might be additional swats administered during a maintenance session (as a warning of what will come if the action is not ceased or not corrected) before it evolves to a punishment session. Disrespect on the other hand, is not tolerated and is dealt with very severely and swiftly.
I want to change both behaviors and know that she is helping that happen. We are pretty happy most of the time.
That said, I am male and human…
Disrespect is very upsetting to her.
This is Anton.
ReplyDeleteWhat have I been punished for most in the past year?
I asked her this and was surprised by her answer but I guess it is right: Not licking her enthusiastically enough!
Why am I repeating the behavior?
I sort of have the attitude that if I give her one tongue orgasm it should be enough. She feels different!
What has my wife done about it? She makes me face her feet and lick her with my butt up in the air by her head, and she spanks it.
What should she do about it to help me change?
She can't spank hard enough in that position. I probably need a few real punishment sessions to address this issue.
Better yet, if she promised me intercourse after a certain number of orgasms my enthusiasm would skyrocket!
Do I really want to change the behavior?
Not really. After one tongue orgasm, I want inside her rather than continuing oral. But she often denies me pussy.
How upsetting is it to her?
She usually gets a second and sometimes a third orgasm after spanking me, so she doesn't seem too upset.
Danielle here:
ReplyDeleteI have not had much time to participate for the last couple of weeks, but I just want to put in my 2 cents worth.
I have serious doubts whether a wife could cure a husband of serious problems like substance abuse by means of spanking. Fortunately, my husband doesn’t have problems like that. He does occasionally binge on “spanking porn”, so some people might say he has a “porn addiction.” However, I’ve read that “porn addiction” isn’t a real thing. I don’t know what to think of that, but I don’t mind if Wayne occasionally consumes spanking images and stories as long as he gets the housework done and is acceptably attentive to me. When he occasionally binges and it interferes with his domestic duties, I spank him and temporarily suspend his Internet privileges. That moderates his behavior in a way that is acceptable to me.
When I think about it, whenever I spank Wayne, I know I will have to spank him for the same thing in the future, no matter how much he promises to “be good from now on.” For example, I may spank him for being overly argumentative, for being a smug know-it-all, for making sarcastic remarks or rolling his eyes. Or I may spank him for being lax in his duties. None of those are things I could “cure” once and for all with a spanking, however harsh. Nor, in fact, would I really want to “cure” him if that meant changing who he is. I love him the way he is, so I have no intention of trying to change him in any significant way. I see discipline as fine tuning or moderating behavior and attitudes.
Incidentally, people may recall that I was working on the idea of spanking Wayne in front of a witness, possibly his sister Liz or my friend Barb. I have made progress on that front. Wayne has consented, although he feels nervous about it. I also talked to Barb about it last weekend, and it turns out she would be interested in witnessing a spanking. I had never asked her if she would like to see me spank Wayne because I wasn’t sure she would think it was appropriate, and she never told me she would like to see me spank Wayne for the same reason. I told Barb that I had outed our FLR to Liz, and mentioned Liz’s comment that she would like to be “a fly on the wall” when I disciplined Wayne. I asked Barb how she would interpret Liz’s comment, and that provided the opening needed to talk about witnesses. So Wayne knows that this is going to happen at a time chosen by me and Barb. After that I plan to tell Liz about spanking Wayne in front of Barb, since she has expressed curiosity about my disciplinary regime for her brother. If her “fly on the wall” comment was a hint that she would really like to witness a spanking, I figure that will open the door for her to ask directly.
I am excited about this development, but I don’t see the threat of spanking Wayne in front of a witness as something to be used for additional “leverage.” Rather it’s a way of pushing the “power exchange” aspect of our FLR to a higher level by demonstrating my authority over Wayne in front of other people.
By the way, thanks KD for your behind the scenes advice on how to go about this. I wanted to write to you this morning, but that hotmail account isn’t working right now for some reason. So my apologies if there is an unanswered message from you there.
Hi Danielle. Thanks for bringing us up to speed on this development.
DeleteDuring the witnessed session, you may choose to drop an offhand comment such as "Better shape up, or next time I'm going to hand this paddle to Barb..." Just to take the general tenor of the participants.
DeleteBen
Danielle can't wait to hear about how this unfolds.
DeleteI hadn't expected to be on the Forum at all during vacation, but the girls are currently shopping and I am catching up on work emails at a coffee shop, even on vacation.
ReplyDeleteI've enjoyed a couple of comments made in the last few posts that have been made. First, like "a husband who knows" and Tomy have noted in regard to their wives, my wife - in addition to enjoying the sound of the paddle on my bare ass, very much enjoys my own vocal responses (swearing, grunting, begging, promising, pleading, sobbing), as well as the way I bounce around across her lap in response to the whacks of her paddle. While I am stoic in many ways, it all breaks down when I'm over her knee.
Also, I appreciated Anthony's distinction between disciplinary and punishment spankings. I've seen this distinction pointed out a number of times before over the years, and while it may apply to some couples more than others, it is certainly a distinction at our house as well. Weekly maintenance spankings, preventative spankings, and "attitude adjustment/general principle/because she feels like it" spankings all maintain the Disciplinary Wife principle in our home - certainly for me but (as Anthony pointed out also) - for my wife as well. Punishment spankings given for serious transgressions are best avoided.
Finally, and somewhat related, is Danielle's comment about not not really expecting spanking to cure here husband's behaviors but to moderate it is very similar to my wife's philosophy as well (a point I made from a slightly different perspective in an earlier post on this thread). Have a great weekend, folks! --al
Thanks al. Hope you're having fun on vacation.
DeleteI don't have much time now but I just wanted to jump in saying I believe there is a middle ground here where some spankings are to moderate behavior and others to stop it completely or re channel it. I will get back if I find time but that dual purpose of adult spanking seems an important distinction to me
ReplyDeleteAlan
My wife also believes in preventative, maintenance, just because she's the boss, demonstration, and discipline spankings. In fact, if she tells me to take down my pants and I ask why, I get spanked for that! She will tell me eventually if she has a reason.
ReplyDeleteMy job is to obey with a "Yes, Ma'am."
A husband who knows
My Overeaters Anonymous sponsor knows I am spanked as part of being held accountable (mostly for other things) and he has no problem with it. My point is that corporal punishment can augment an addiction program, not replace it, though it isn't being used in my situation at this point).
ReplyDeleteA husband who knows
Once again, I seem to be trailing several of you when it comes to openness and being "out" to some extent.
DeleteMy wife also likes my kicking legs and bouncing around, though she will scold me to get back in position and take it. When she rolls me off her lap, she likes to watch the spankee dance as I stand up and jump around and rub my bottom, yelling owie, owie. She will make fun of my flopping manhood, laughing heartily. Then she will point to the floor and it's back on my knees to thank her properly.
ReplyDeleteA husband who knows
The sound and visible effects of a spanking seem to be essential components of the disciplinary (if thats the right word) experience don't they ? Imagine how different it would be if the the hand/hairbrush/paddle made no smacking sound when the bottom was struck. Or if there were no marks or reddening at all. My wife has often told me that she particularly enjoys the sound of the canings that she gives me. There is something about that swish through the air and the loud crack as cane meets bare bottom that she finds enormously satisfying as well as the sense of accomplishment she feels when she is able to line up the stripes nice and evenly. No easy thing to do it seems.
ReplyDeleteMy wife is also something of a Canemistress and very much likes the "ladder effect" in which she lines up my welts in parallel lines. I also like being able to reach back and feel the ridged welts for the next several days. She has layered up to 12 welts on my rather expansive bottom. The last two are on my upper thighs and sting like the dickens.
ReplyDeleteShe always taps three times on the spot she wants to strike, and then raises her arm up and down in the same rhythm, so I know when it is coming. Of course I can also hear the "swish" as the cane descends to my rear. Then "thwack," a sound like no other implement.
I am fascinated by the cane's delayed reaction. I hear it strike me before I feel the full effect. After a second or two the pain explodes and radiates through me. It always runs down to my toes but sometimes also radiates up, occasionally all the way to my eyes. That full body pain is almost a spiritual experience.
In terms of position, she has me lie over pillows at the end of the bed, with my toes just barely touching the floor. She says this provides the best angle for accuracy. I have to hold very still to assist her accuracy. My panties are at mid thigh and straight across. She uses the panty line to help with her parallel lines. Yes, I wear women's panties, for which we go shopping together.
The strokes are spaced out, about 10-15 seconds apart. Gives me lots of time to think about what is coming and the misbehavior that caused it. The cane usually comes out for the worst offenses.
My wife prefers OTK, so I don't get caned often. When I do it is always memorable.
A husband who knows
DeleteMaybe you have done this topic, but one possibility is the rituals that happen before, during, and after punishment. A husband who knows
ReplyDelete