The Club - Meeting 295 - Sex Since DD

Disobedience- that is the nobility of slaves. - Friedrich Nietzsche

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline relationships.  I hope you had a good week.

Mine again started strong on the behavior front, then ended in a miserable fail that included open disobedience regarding an order she gave me before I left on a business trip.  I woke this morning dreading the weekend and its likely consequences, though I also know that I richly deserve whatever I have coming.  Damn.  Damn.  Damn.

 That was a good discussion last week, and it ended up hitting on a lot of big topics we’ve covered in the past, including crying and being “broken,” humiliation, humbling and embarrassment, and sex and sexuality in Domestic Discipline relationships. We'll cover some of those again soon. In discussing the last of them, Elizabeth suggested this topic: “How has your sex life changed since you began DD? Note that I ask "since," not "because of." So, in the time period since. There may be many other factors besides DD, and those should be addressed. But it would be difficult to say that DD is not a factor in any changes that have occurred. I would think that most couples have seen a change, even if DD has been throughout their relationship. As a teaser, I asked Frank for a one-sentence answer (on which he will elaborate if the question is chosen) and as I expected he said: "I have far fewer orgasms but a much better sex life."

Danielle responded, “I second Elizabeth's suggestion for having how couples' sex lives have changed since they began DD (or FLR). A sub-topic within that discussion could be one that Elizabeth raised in a response to last week's topic: how and to what extent husbands' access to pornography/erotica and their masturbation habits are managed by disciplinary wives. Inspired by Elizabeth, I asked Wayne to give a one sentence answer to the question about how sex has changed for him. His answer was: "Sex is more pervasive, more intense, and more spiritual in a FLR."

So, let’s make those the topics for this week, though I don’t have a lot to say about Elizabeth’s question.  I don’t think our sex life really has changed that much, whether as a result of Domestic Discipline or anything else.  Though, perhaps this thing we do has contributed to an underlying “erotic charge.”  She has perhaps gotten a little more "take charge," but not dramatically so.  But, the fact that I say our sex life hasn’t changed much in over a decade may indicate we need to do some work on that front.  We have a good sex life, but things can always be improved upon, right?  I do think that as we go deeper into FLR, our sexual dynamic is like to change as well.

As for access to pornography and masturbation, I don’t really have anything to contribute. Or, not much anyway.  She has never tried to restrict porn.  She did at one point make a rule around masturbation, but enforcement seemed to go by the wayside pretty quickly.  This week’s discussion could, of course, remind her about that one.

In addition to Elizabeth and Danielle’s suggestions, I want to ask a pointed question to our Disciplinary Wives:  Do you get turned on by doling out discipline?  If so, is there a particular aspect of it that excites you? 

 

I’m not sure whether my wife gets turned on by the spanking itself, but she has said that she likes ordering me to get ready for a spanking and watching me comply.  She also likes imposing corner time and watching me stand there, naked in the corner.  It seems clear that what she likes is the experience of telling me to comply and watching me do it.

Have a great week.

The Club - Meeting #294 - Privileges & Their Removal

The ability to have a choice in what you do is a privilege.” - Anton Yelchin

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline relationships.  I hope you had a good week. 

Like last week, mine started strong then degraded, once again based on my own inability to exercise self-control and moderation.  A couple of years ago, I read a book about habit formation.  It made the point that some people can reduce a “bad” behavior only incrementally.  If they want to diet, for example, they can’t just shut cut out all sugary desserts. They have to take it down incrementally.  Self-denial just doesn’t work for them. For others, it is the opposite.  Quitting a bad habit has to be cold turkey or nothing.  I suspect that in some areas, I fall into the latter camp.  I just can’t do moderation. 

We had a good discussion last week, though it’s notable how few of the comments really focused on implements. But, that’s OK.  Good conversations seldom follow a pre-planned course. Both Anna and Danielle commented that spanking is hardly the only way to discipline a misbehaving husband.  As Danielle observed, “Spanking is only one item in my disciplinary tool kit for Wayne, and I sometimes combine it with one of the following punishments: loss of privileges like watching sports or going golfing; loss or reduction of his monthly allowance; grounding; early bedtimes; temporary confiscation of his computer; temporary banishment from the marriage bed. I believe that all these things are humbling for a grown man.”

Danielle and I also talked about how some of the words we use to describe these restrictions and privileges are themselves inherently humbling, like “grounding” and “allowance.”  These are things that parents impose on children, and that’s part of why they can be disciplinary, right? They say, “you are acting like a little boy, so you get to be treated like one.”

We have experimented with grounding from time-to-time, though I think I use the term more broadly than some others do.  I apply it to any order that restricts my freedom of action, while I think others see it more narrowly as being physically confined to staying home and not engaging in social activities.  For us, “grounding” has almost always consisted of an order not to drink alcohol, and perhaps to be home from work at a particular time.   

 

Honestly, it hasn’t worked that well for one simple reason – I cheat and don’t always own up to that.  In a series of comments last week, I laid out the three factors that I think interact to make any disciplinary regime effective: (1) certainty of getting caught; (2) certainty of punishment; and (3) severity of punishment.  For us, grounding has never been effective because (1) and (2) are either missing or very inconsistent.  One major downside of my constant travel is she has no real way to ensure that I am complying with her directions.  And, even when she does know that I haven’t fully complied, she doesn’t always punish that misbehavior consistently.  So, while I am the one primarily at fault, she bears some responsibility, too.

 But, in theory, I think losing privileges and other non-corporal punishments could be effective as long as there was an adequate enforcement regime in place.  They check a lot of boxes: The punishment can be tailored to fit the crime. The punishment may last longer than a spanking, which is painful for a few minutes then done.  They may have a prophylactic component, nipping bad behavior in the bud before it begins.  And, for some men, not being able to hang out with friends or engage in some activities may be a lot harder punishment than a quick spanking.

How about you?  Do you use removal of privileges as a punishment? What form does that take? Has it been effective? For the men, how does being subjected to that kind of discipline or punishment make you feel? For the women, how does it feel to impose rules and consequences in that way? Is it harder for you than giving a spanking?  And, is the fact that it involves subjecting him to the kind of rules you might impose on your teenager something that heightens your own feelings of power? Does it inject a “maternal” element into managing your husband’s behavior, and is that good or bad?

Have a great week!

The Club - Meeting 293 - Implements & Methods

“We shape our tools and afterwards our tools shape us.” - Marshall McLuhan

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline relationships.  I hope you had a good week. 

Mine was kind of a wild ride.  Lots of travel.  Lots of downtime on planes, yet a lot of work accomplished, too.  I went into it with some pretty lofty behavioral goals and, unfortunately, I can’t say I met them.  Though, for once, things seemed to get better by the end of the week, with some real progress on some of the possible causes of the physical ailment I was dealing with. 

We had a pretty good discussion last week.  Thanks to Elizabeth and Frank for sharing the story of their disciplinary discussion with their brother-in-law and Elizabeth’s sister.  It sounds like it was not as embarrassing or demoralizing as Frank feared.  Perhaps a lesson for all of us in the possibility that our fears of the consequences of being more open are overblown?   

Also, a welcome to Danielle, another disciplinary wife, who left some comments near week-end, including some illuminating ones on the freedom inherent in “bitchiness.”

Now, on to this week’s topic.  Elizabeth suggested that I ask, “Which implement is most effective for you at changing behavior? Is it because it is the most painful, or are there other reasons? On the other hand, which implement is the least effective and why? And is there an implement you find particularly erotic?”

Tools are important. No doubt about that.  And, you certainly have to choose the right tool for the job.  I do believe that some of tools can be very effective, while some of those we associate most closely with Domestic Discipline are -- less so. 

I also believe, however, that the best spanking tool may fail to bring about real change if it isn't used diligently and consistently.  And, a "weak" tool can be effective if applied with enough effort and will. 

So, we will use Elizabeth's topic, though I want to expand it a little to include not just implements, but other DD practices and tools.  If the goal is to really change behavior, which implement or DD practice do you find most effective, and why?  Is it a particular implement, or some non-spanking tool such as lecturing, corner time, loss of privileges, etc.?

I will kick things off.  On the tool front, I really don’t know whether there is one that is more effective in bringing about actual change.  In fact, I don’t think there is, because I have  become convinced over time that changing behavior is, for me at least, more about consistency and duration.  I need the punishment for bad behavior to be certain and unavoidable, and the effectiveness of the spanking is more about how long it lasts than about the implement used.   

But, in terms of effectiveness, some tools will fool you.  We recently acquired an actual used DWC leather strap with holes, so short that it is almost like a paddle.  I used to think that leather paddles were too light to be effective, but something about this one really, really hurts.  It also tends to curl over my cheek and into the crack, which is excruciatingly painful.  

 Conversely, some tools we have dropped entirely because they are too extreme and actually defeated the disciplinary purpose. They either did too much damage or would cause me to go into “take it like a man mode,” because the pain was just too much to give in to.  Top of that category are heavy rubber straps.  

As for the most effective?  As I said above, I think duration is at least as important as the level of pain induced.  While a wooden paddle or bath brush can be incredibly painful, they also tend to numb my bottom fairly quickly.  Therefore, if I were forced to choose which tool has the most effective combination of severity and ability to go for a long time without damage or numbing, it is a heavy leather strap.

Least effective?  Ironically, it is probably the one I also find the most erotic – the hairbrush. But, one other tool that scores very high on eroticism but can also be quite effective is the  leather belt.  Of course, not all belts are created equal.  An effective one needs to be heavy, like leather “gun belts” for sportsmen and hunters. They are designed to bear the weight of sidearm.  I bought one about a year ago, and it can be very painful.  It also is one of the few tools that can be packed in a suitcase without risking unwanted snickers from TSA agents.  Belts are very erotic for me, though I also tend to think of them in terms of M/m spanking, probably because they were the implement of choice for most father's when I was growing up. Though, they were certainly wielded by some of the strict mothers as well.

But, if the issue is effectiveness in bringing about real behavioral change, I have come to conclude it isn’t a physical implement at all.  It is a combination of stern attitude and consistency.  The sternness and strictness can manifest in a lot of ways that do not have anything to do with spanking.  If she issues a blunt reprimand, that is effective.  Even more so was the time she made me apologize for bad workplace behavior to someone I really didn’t like.  Embarrassing me and humbling me in such ways—taking command, verbal strictness, using punishments that fit the crime—those seem to be much more effective at bringing about real behavioral change than the hardest spanking.

Alan also gave us a great example last week; one that includes both spanking and non-spanking elements.  Namely, a witness seeing him get spanked.  According to Alan, the prospect of being spanked in front of a witness, such as his wife's sister, is one the biggest deterrents to bad behavior.  Of course, it sounds like in his case a witnessed spanking is usually also a post-orgasm spanking, so one can understand the overall deterrent effect!

Similarly, Elizabeth requiring a conversation with Frank and his in-laws probably was a powerful tool for voicing her displeasure at the way he had been addressing her sister.

So, while behavior modification is only one goal of Domestic Discipline, which do you find most effective, least effective and most or least erotic?

Have a great week.

The Club - Meeting 292 - First Time Asking

“A woman in love will do almost anything for a man, except give up the desire to improve him.” - Nathaniel Branden

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline relationships.  I hope you had a good week.  Mine started off pretty well.  I felt like I was finally getting my feet under me in my new job role.  Then, it all deteriorated by week’s end.  But, I’ll take whatever progress I can get.  It’s, hopefully, a little like walking up a circular staircase; you come back to the same point over and over again but at a slightly higher elevation.  At least, that’s the hope.  I also developed a little physical ailment that may actually do a better job of slowing me down that Domestic Discipline has.  Getting old is not for wimps.

Last week’s topic on “others” knowing didn’t get a huge volume of response, though it did strike a chord for Elizabeth and Frank in light of the dynamic going on with her sister and brother-in-law. I am very interested in hearing about their upcoming discussion, if they care to share it with us. I am more than a little envious that Frank could end up with someone he can talk to face-to-face about this thing they do, with someone on the same side of the paddle.  As I’ve recounted, only three people really know about our DD relationship, and only two of those are in-person relationships.  Of those two, one isn’t into DD and the other is on the other end of the paddle.  That’s not nothing, but it would still feel freeing to have the comradery of someone else who has these same needs.

I’m a little distracted this weekend, so this topic will be a little short, and not one I have a lot to speak about directly.  It is an extension of the theme on “asking for it.”  Our earlier polls and most of our discussions verify that it is usually the husband who asks for the DD relationship.  It seems to be the same with most M/f dynamics – it is the disciplined spouse who initiates the relationship.   This week’s topic is pretty simple: Was there a specific event that lead you or your spouse to ask for it – “it” being the DD relationship as a whole?  Was there some particular bit of bad behavior that preceded asking for it that first time?  Or maybe some particular low point in personal behavior that drove wanting the accountability? Or, was there a point where a pre-existing fascination became overpowering?

My own story doesn’t really follow any of those lines.  I didn’t have a pre-existing fascination with adult discipline, and there wasn’t any behavior-related precipitating event.  I encountered the Disciplinary Wives Club website, and it caused a reaction that was strong, I really had to ask for it.  I suspect I did have some deep and previously unrecognized need for enforced accountability that was triggered by that website, but even though I like to think I am a fairly self-aware person, I did not recognize that need in myself until I found a website that expressed it so openly.

How about you? Tell us about the precipitating event that led you to ask or be asked be in a disciplinary relationship.  Or, if you are in that rare DD relationship that was imposed by the disciplinarian, tell us about that.