If you don't ask, the answer is always no. -- Nora Roberts
Hello all. Happy Saturday. I hope you all had a great week. Mine was, as is too often the case, tiring. I also seem to have gotten myself into a situation at work that could make things even busier. One of those "be careful what you wish for, because you might get it" things. It is against that backdrop that I thought about a topic suggestion from a few weeks ago:
"How do men request DD when they feel it's time? Just ask, send an email, or something non-verbal like leaving a paddle on the bed and waiting for what happens next?"
The suggested topic presumes, of course, that we do in fact expressly ask for discipline when we feel it has been earned or is needed. Do you, in fact, ask for it? Or, do you leave it up to her to order it? If you do as, what form does your request usually take?
For me, I don't so much ask for a spanking expressly, as report on bad behavior and then let nature take its course. Though, as part of our reporting process I certainly do suggest from time to time that one has been earned and that I think she needs to deliver it. I can't think of a time, however, that I have verbally asked for one or brought her a paddle or strap and asked her to use it then and there. We've recently talked about me doing that in order to correct one long-standing work related problem that keeps costing me an inordinate amount of time and that I really do want to fix. But, so far I haven't actually done it. The one exception to not verbally asking for one was probably when I first brought up the concept of Domestic Discipline. I wasn't asking for it per se, but I certainly thought it could be the result, though not that night.
Tell us about your own experiences with "asking for it."
I hope you have a great week.
Hello all. Happy Saturday. I hope you all had a great week. Mine was, as is too often the case, tiring. I also seem to have gotten myself into a situation at work that could make things even busier. One of those "be careful what you wish for, because you might get it" things. It is against that backdrop that I thought about a topic suggestion from a few weeks ago:
"How do men request DD when they feel it's time? Just ask, send an email, or something non-verbal like leaving a paddle on the bed and waiting for what happens next?"
For me, I don't so much ask for a spanking expressly, as report on bad behavior and then let nature take its course. Though, as part of our reporting process I certainly do suggest from time to time that one has been earned and that I think she needs to deliver it. I can't think of a time, however, that I have verbally asked for one or brought her a paddle or strap and asked her to use it then and there. We've recently talked about me doing that in order to correct one long-standing work related problem that keeps costing me an inordinate amount of time and that I really do want to fix. But, so far I haven't actually done it. The one exception to not verbally asking for one was probably when I first brought up the concept of Domestic Discipline. I wasn't asking for it per se, but I certainly thought it could be the result, though not that night.
Tell us about your own experiences with "asking for it."
I hope you have a great week.
Great post!
ReplyDeleteMay I ask, it sounds like you use DD to correct bad habits at work. In that sense are you using it sort of like a rubber band you snap on your wrist?
Key
Perhaps, though much more aversive than a rubber band. I think of it more like a boy bringing home a bad report card.
DeleteI seldom have to "ask for it", as J. is prompt to react whenever I "misbehave" (in her estimation), but there have been times when I have committed some punishable offense while she was away - in which cases, I will position myself in the appropriate attire (i.e. bare-bottomed) and position to await her return... and my "just deserts"... which she never fails to deliver!
ReplyDeleteL.
Thanks, L.
DeleteTrue - and I appreciate L's "volunteering" for a punishment he knows he deserves, but I sometimes also order him to ask (or rather, beg) for a whipping or caning I have decided to administer - just to remind him who is subject to my authority...
DeleteJ.
I know!... and this was the case earlier tonight, when I was urged (or, rather ordered) to "request" a taste of the martinet... the effects of which I will feel until J. decides I need another "reminder"...
DeleteL.
Well, it didn't take long before you needed another "reminder", did it? - this time with the rattan cane... When Maria comes to work tomorrow, you'd better follow her orders and do what she orders if you want to avoid more punishment by her hand!
DeleteJ.
What is a "non numbing skinny paddle? How does it compare with a thick, heavy wooden paddle?
ReplyDeleteI too am currently curious about skinny paddles. Dan said they are best avoided so that makes me even more curious. I am especially intrigued as to if they really decrease or eliminate numbing, which seems like a horrible trait indeed.
DeleteAs for how they compare with a "thick, heavy" wood paddle, just because they are narrow doesn't mean they aren't also thick and heavy...
-ZM
I'm generally reluctant to ask directly - first, because I don't want it to become a burden to her, and second, somewhat for fear that she'll drop everything and deliver it immediately! Her attitude is, sometimes, very similar to the woman in this week's cartoon.
ReplyDeleteSo I sometimes bring up the topic when we're out, and an instant spanking is impossible. When we get home, that may not be the best opportunity either. Nevertheless, it's out on the table, and it's generally not too long until I'm wishing I hadn't mentioned it!
CrimsonKing
Hi CK. Yes, you just put your finger on why I often think about just bringing her a paddle when I know I've done something wrong but seldom do it. Because she might, in fa t, drop everything and do it!
DeleteAsking for it is how it works in our home. We are not in a Domestic Discipline relationship. My spankings are for centering me emotionally and relieving stress. My wife administers the spanking out of love and concern for me and that makes it incredibly easy for me to take advantage of every opportunity to make her happy.
ReplyDeleteMy girlfriend and I are also not in a DD relationship. She spanks me because we both find it exciting. Mostly I ask her to do it, but sometimes she initiates it and tells me to get across her knee. She quite often gives me random swats on the seat of my pants (or whatever I happen to be wearing at the time) that I have not asked for. She likes doing this in front of other women, I guess it is a way of showing possession.
Deleterichard.
How did you getting spanked in front of other woman start?????? I often wonder how that leap is made in real life.
DeleteThe first time she spanked me was at my request. This was across her knee in the bedroom. She seemed to like it, but when I asked her if she had enjoyed it, she was noncommittal. A few days later we went for a walk and while we were out, I made an uncomplimentary remark about her new glasses. The next thing I knew: Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! She swatted my bottom four times in quick succession. A woman who was passing by saw it and smiled slightly. Since then she has swatted me in public a number of times, she seems to enjoy doing it when other women are present. Like I said, maybe it is a way of showing possession.
Deleterichard.
Whenever the urge takes over , I have left subtle hints around like leaving her favorite paddle or brush out. It's noted but seldom carried out. She does look at these posts from time to time and has given a few maintenance spankings and has a brush in her purse when we travel. It usually works best if there is a valid reason for the spanking. Then it is given and all forgiven. I didn't say what she thought I said Tuesday but she was furious. It's too cold where we to go out to the " woodshed" so she's going to address it in the house first and when the weather warms up a trip out back. It's been almost a year since the last time. Maybe she'll forget ?
ReplyDeleteForgetfulness has saved by ass many times
DeleteMy wife has the memory of an Elephant. MY sore backside every Sunday morning proves that, during the spanking she is sure to remind me of every little thing I have done wrong that week with a flurry of harder smacks from her paddle.
DeleteThankfully, mine is pretty easily distracted and diverted.
DeleteAmen brother.
ReplyDeleteWell. First one is done. I'm glad it's over. I was expecting much worse. I'm good.
ReplyDeleteOne down . . .
DeleteI have been married for over 40 years and 10 years ago I finally got the nerve to ask my wife to spank me. She thought I was nuts at first but we talked it over and I showed her my collection of No Nonsense Ladies magazines.
ReplyDeleteI admitted to being spanked by a pro for a number of years and this upset her and she demanded to go with me to see me get spanked, which we did. Seeing me naked being soundly spanked over another woman's lap with a wooden paddle surprised my wife and she asked the pro a lot of questions.
We visited the pro several times and the pro taught my wife how to give a good spanking.
My wife then began to spank me when I asked her too, with a paddle I bought on line, and she learned to give a real spanking that usually leaves me in tears but after a couple of years she decided I needed more regular spankings so now I get a Sunday morning maintenance spanking each week, and I no longer have to ask for a spanking.
Once my pants and underpants come down and I am draped over her lap she does not stop spanking until well after real tears are flowing freely and then I get 20 minutes in the corner with my bare red behind on display to recover and think.
God I am glad I finally got the nerve to ask her to spank me 10 years ago.
Hi Sam. Yes, asking is hard and embarrassing, but it's interesting that you don't hear many wives refusing the request.
DeleteI also waited a few years before mentioning my interest in spanking to my partner, but when I finally did so, not only was she OK with it, she soon developed a real enthusiasm for it. This seems to be a common pattern. It would seem that many women have a latent desire to discipline their husband or boyfriend. I wonder if other people have had the same experience?
Deleterichard.
Not to be a downer, but just to round out the conversation and give some hope to the many "lurkers" (we need a better name than that) who are faithful readers here and have been afraid to broach the topic w wifey or are frustrated and having a challenge with this at home. It's hard for us spankos to understand how a spouse who's been given the green light, educated on the idea, told the benefits THEY'LL get from it, maybe even begged to in some cases lol....can still be hesitant to adopt this......but that's been my experience. I was shocked and encouraged that she was "OK" w the whole idea of it when I "came out" to her. However, it's been a real struggle getting her to engage and actually do it. I know it really helped me hearing from so many that have achieved incorporating this into their relationship that it can take a LOOOOONG time to get her there. For all the lucky ones out there that have wives that took to it so easily, there are as many if not more that it will be process to get them there. Don't give up!
DeleteHi Darren. It's honestly not hard for me to understand the reluctance. If anything, I'm puzzled that so many of them are at least open to the idea, and many of those become very effective at it very quickly. Given all our socialization against using force, against corporal punishment, it's really kind of shocking that so many of them seem to make the transition so naturally. I do think, however, there is a gap between delivering a hard spanking, on the one hand, and taking over the whole process and owning it, pushing it forward, etc., on the other. In 15 years of this, my wife has gotten closer and closer but never quite fully taken over.
DeleteI think hearing comments like that will be SO welcomed by so many out here....Hearing from people like yourself that have been successful getting it introduced and then advancing it in your relationship. I think for most guys (and wives) that are new to this they need to hear the reality of what the "process" looks like in the real world. I know when I finally allowed myself to recognize I need this in my life, then took the HUGE leap to introduce it to my wife and then to seemingly have the idea well received by her... I was foolish enough to think it was magically going to then start right up. Sure there are people who will "win the lottery" and have a wife that will jump right in but in cases like that, the wife is naturally inclined towards it to begin with. For all the reasons you mentioned for all the rest this is a hard thing to do. I know how much it helped me to learn I needed to be realistic, and patient. It takes time this doesnt happen over night!!!! I at times almost walked away from the idea and gave up. But the need is still there so I just want those who need to hear this...hang in there.....one step at a time. It's NORMAL that it is a long process.
DeleteHi Dan,
ReplyDeleteMy wife has built a lot of triggering elements into our DD, so I rarely feel I should be spanked before she has already decided the matter. But the girlfient who introduced me to spanking was probably a little less certain about when a spanking was warranted ( She had very strong feelings about "fairness" and needed to feel I absolutely had earned a spanking before she administered.She told me many times that she liked me to ask for a spanking. Asking to her meant I was confessing bad behavior and signaling I was ready to accept punishment.I doubt that I asked very often but when I did it seemed to unleash her in a way I didn't see otherwise. Thinking back on it I think she was somewhat uncomfortable in unilaterally imposing punishment but my asking for it freed her to do what she really wanted to do.
Alan
Hi Alan. I bet what you describe regarding your girlfriend is true of many women in these relationships. They want to deliver the punishment, but they are also normal human beings who think about fairness and other factors that may make them more tentative. I hand;t thought about asking for it in the quite the way you put it, i.e. "Asking to her meant I was confessing bad behavior and signaling I was ready to accept punishment," but I really like it.
DeleteI’m not allowed to ask for spankings. My wife doesn’t believe in making lots of rules, but that’s a rule that she set as a condition of our FLR from the outset. I guess she realized that since I have a spanking fetish, she needs to keep that part of me on a short leash. Sometimes she warns me that I am in for a spanking, and then she doesn’t follow through. That really messes with my mind because I can’t help thinking of the threatened spanking, and while I am waiting I become super attentive to her, like a dog whose master has said the word “walk”, and I will be dying to ask whether she has forgotten that she wanted to spank me, but I have to fight back the urge. It’s frustrating as hell, but I must confess that I get a bit of a kick from the way I will be climbing the walls from suspense and frustration and arousal, while she just carries on. I never know whether she does that as a form of domination or because she simply forgets. When she does spank me, you can be sure that I never fail to write a formal thank you note. I am a bit jealous of guys who are allowed to ask for spankings, but I admire my wife’s ways of showing me she’s the boss.
ReplyDeleteAsking for it probably does take on a different dimension if it is really more about a spanking fetish and less about a desire for discipline.
DeleteMaybe the more accurate descriptor is....."...like a dog who's Master has said HEEL!"...LOL...LOL
DeleteGood point, Dan, but I assure you it can be both a fetish and discipline. The weird thing is although I crave spankings, I am not immune to the pain.
DeleteLOL That's good, Darren. That's exactly what it's like.
I am "technically" allowed to ask for a spanking - typically, when I have been guilty of some misdeed she hasn't yet spotted - and the actual "delivery" entirely depends on her mood - but , when it comes, it's usually harsher than I expected!
DeleteL.
In the beginning my wife and I had a specific date each month to deal with my faults or poor behaviour.
ReplyDeleteShe had a 'report card' which she would complete and 'pass sentence'.
It was a pampering day for her. I would pick her up for lunch , bring her flowers and take her for a nice meal.Then take her back home and give her a foot massage as she finished my report card.
My 'grade ' determined how many paddle swats I would get.
After my whacking it was back to work to sit on a sore backside.
It is less formal and more spontaneous now but I'm thinking of reintroducing it as we both enjoyed the formality of taking care of business each month.
Hi Glen. That is a bit more structured version of what we used to do, though ours happened weekly, not monthly. Like you, I've thought about reintroducing something like that.
DeleteTry it Dan!It's sort of like a date night with a spanking twist. Your wife will love it.
DeleteI don't literally ask to be spanked. When I need to signal that a spanking is in order, I make a particularly weak argument about why she shouldn't spank me. She is a lawyer. She sometimes chooses to ignore infractions but she cannot ignore invalid reasoning. Even if she isn't really bothered by the house being messy, when I explain that I didn't have time to clean it because the ballgame went into extra innings, her hairbrush will likely be coming out. I thought she might be mad last week when I told her that Mike and I had lunch at Hooters. She thinks ogling waitresses in tight shirts is immature. She just rolled her eyes and let it go. That evening, I told her Mike is the one who should be getting a spanking because going to Hooters was his idea. Between strokes, I got the lecture about taking responsibility for my own decisions. Last month, I found myself feeling the need for a more forceful session. I explained that forgetting to take care of the laundry was an entirely different situation than what happened the previous week and that it didn't imply that the spanking I got then was insufficient. An hour later, I was reminded why I usually prefer to have that paddle be rarely used.
ReplyDelete"She is a lawyer. She sometimes chooses to ignore infractions but she cannot ignore invalid reasoning." Probably a good summary of the average legal personality!
DeleteI've used "asking" in almost every relationship I was in at one time or another. Sometimes I just have an urge and speaking up is the only way the other person is going to know what you are thinking. I can't imagine that for something like spanking, the whole 'subtle hint'-routine works unless it's an agreed-upon and obvious signal.
ReplyDeleteI find writing the request is often easier than saying it out loud.......and just as effective.
I often tell myself that writing it down is as effective, and yet I avoid just coming out and saying it to her verbally. So, I clearly have some resistance going on around that.
DeleteI don't ask to be punished per se, but I do tell her whenever I break a rule or neglect a chore. Most times she then will administer the discipline spanking. There are times when she will dismiss the infraction and life goes on. I never consult the list of offenses and give her the implement unless she directs me to do so. As everyone here will recall, our list of offenses includes a 3 level of discipline. Upon her direction, I supply the toys mentioned on the three levels and she decides upon which level I will receive.
ReplyDeleteThis is basically what I do as well.
DeleteI have never directly asked to be punished, I may have given strong hints in e-mail but she has always said she was about to do it anyway so bit of a moot point. In the early days I did always provide feedback after about how hard, how long, etc. There has been no need for that for some time as she seems to know 80% of the time when, how long and how severe. She does occasionally 'surprise' me these days by declaring that it is time for a 'reset' even though there has been no one major infraction, just a series of minors or wrong attitude or bit moody. She can often surprise me with the severity now that she seems completely comfortable with the whole DD thing> I have made it clear (reluctantly!) that such an approach will ensure the best behaviour from me ... TB
ReplyDeleteOn severity, my wife really has a completely binary on/off switch. Every spanking is severe. She has never once given me one that wasn't. For good or bad . . .
DeleteIt strikes me that if you have a relationship governed by rules, where breaking certain rules results in spankings, then informing your partner that you have broken a rule is tantamount to asking for a spanking. For that reason, I never "tell on myself," as that would break the rule about not asking for a spanking. If my wife interrogates me, on the other hand, I answer her questions honestly, even if I know honest answers will result in a spanking or some other form of punishment.
ReplyDeleteThat's true, though I do think there is a difference between self-reporting a rule violation on the one hand, and affirmatively asking for a spanking on the other. If for no other reason than the former might or might not result in one, depending on timing, her discretion to spank or not, etc.
DeleteDan, we see great on going value in your blog. The site has provided food for thought for years. It appears that some of our postings are removed or not published . We are sincere and make every effort to add to the discussions. If something we have posted was out of bounds it wasn’t our intent.
ReplyDeleteBart, I definitely have not intentionally deleted anything of yours as out of bounds. Is there something you've posted that has gone missing recently?
DeleteDan, yes a few postings one from me and one from Sylvia. Although I most definetly have something of a spanking fetish over the years as Sylvia has used spankings purely as punishment . She felt that for a time I would tell on myself to prompt a spanking . She felt this was topping from the bottom. For years now if I violate our rules the spankings are truly awful and there is no sexual relief. She decides the severity and timing and if I don’t comply I always pay a price. And there is always the dreaded soaping.
ReplyDeleteHmm. Not sure what would lead to that. As I said, I have not intentionally deleted any posting from you, and I haven't seen anything from you recently in my Spam or Awaiting moderation boxes. The only possibility I can think of is if I deleted something you had replied to, as deleting a comment on Blogger also deletes all replies to that comment.
DeleteAs longer-term readers know, I am not a fan of the concept of "topping from the bottom," for exactly this reason. It discourages things like self-reporting and also discourages honest communication. I get why it has a role in BDSM, but it seems to me that whatever legitimate role it has in DD is easily outweighed by its negative consequences.
Dan
ReplyDeleteMore and more I think we each have to find our own way. For peter and I, earmarking a few minutes alone before dinner as a touch base time. It is less a matter of self reporting as it is communicating. When Peter is in need of discipline i am aware and it usually is tied to something he has done that he doesnt feel great about and at this point discipline comes up. By the same token I can tell him something that he has done
that annoyed me. Instead of nagging him about the lawn or any other chore I talk with my hand.
Accept you need the discipline and accept too the price of humbling yourself.
With love
anna
Totally agree we each have to find our own way. It's not like there is some rule book for DD practitioners and someone will kick you out of the club for breaking a rule.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteI caught a few minutes of 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' yesterday while my wife was watching. One of the Housewives is Terri Mellencamp (John Cougar's daughter). She describes herself as an 'Accountability Coach' - providing tough-love diet and fitness support to the starlet crowd.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great term, I thought. Of course, I'm very happy with the Accountability Coach I have at home. My wife also has access to methods that Mellencamp doesn't use - at least I don't think she does.
On, and I forgot the other way I ask for discipline - any conversation that starts "Honey, I read something interesting on disciplinedhubbies..." That's a fairly clear hint.
CrimsonKing
I have wondered whether personal coaching might a great side job for some of the Disciplinary Wives.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteHi Dan,
ReplyDeleteDoes asking for a spanking work? It does for me and my wife. She had not spanked me for over a week, and when the time was right, she was more than willing to spank me. During the spanking, she remarked that “the paddle still works.” It sure does, and it was the hardest spanking she has ever given me. Today I am sore, but grateful.
Doug
In our relationship, Andy is supposed to confess when he has broken one of our agreed-upon rules. That is not asking for a spanking, as I decide what the consequences will be. Because he is a spanko, he is not to ask for a spanking per se. And he doesn't intentionally break rules to get spanked because: 1. He is a good, honest man. 2. My spankings are always way too severe to be any fun.
ReplyDelete