Saturday, April 14, 2018

Vol. 246 - What Is It We Disciplined Husbands Want


Can freedom become a burden, too heavy for man to bear, something he tries to escape from? Is there not also, perhaps, besides an innate desire for freedom, an instinctive wish for submission? – Erich Fromm

Hi all.  Welcome back to our little gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline (DD) or Female Led Relationships (FLR). 

I want to start by thanking all of you who spoke up about Aunt Kay and the impact she and Tomy and their Disciplinary Wives Club efforts had on you.  “Impact” being a particularly apt word for those of us on the receiving end of the paddle or strap.  Tomy also reminded all of us that his wife led by example and that her approach to life fostered not only discipline but also tolerance and acceptance of others. 

I hope that you all had a good week, or at least a peaceful one.  Mine was not.  It was kind of a whirlwind.  Or, more like a rollercoaster.  I had a small but satisfying work triumph early in the week, then the following day it was one bad thing after another all day long.  And, almost all of the bad stuff was connected in one way or another to two very dysfunctional relationships.  One of them is with someone who thinks he can make me submit but can’t. I know I can’t make him submit, which really leaves beating him as the only option.  Metaphorically of course, though he is one of those guys who really could profit from a really good ass kicking.  The other is with someone who I probably should submit to but won’t.  That is the tricky thing about DD and FLR for those of us who are not “submissive” by nature – there is a sense in which it’s real only if it’s unpleasant and difficult.  Though, in this case while my self-interest really would suggest submitting, I kind of went in the opposite way and fucked and toyed with this person.  Probably what I have referred to with the corporate acronym “CLM,” or Career Limiting Move.  But, you can’t really tell in advance whether things that seem limiting or even catastrophic at the time are really all that, or will they turn out to be exactly what you need in order to move onto a new, and better, phase.  So, we’ll see where things go.

A few weeks ago JGirl over at https://ashrewtamed.blogspot.com and I tried to coordinate a topic between her blog and mine, hopefully teasing out whether male and female participants in the “bottom” role in these DD relationships have different drives or motivations for this lifestyle.  Our first joint topic focused on who wants it more, the discipline receiver or the discipline giver, i.e. whether we disciplined husbands and wives feel the need for this more than our disciplinarians, Heads of Household, Tops . . . whatever terminology you prefer. This week, I want to focus not on how much we each want this, but what the “this” is that we want.  We’ve talked about this before and taken polls on it, but it’s been awhile and I’d like to explore it more, particularly in conjunction with the disciplined wives that JGirl’s blog serves. So, I kicked this off a few weeks ago with a poll that asked the disciplined husbands to identify why they want DD.  We got 137 responses.  Here are the results:

Giving up control to another person                                 52%

Accountability or penance                                                37%

Changing bad behavior or breaking habits                       35%

Boundaries and rules make me feel secure                       27%

Stress relief                                                                        44%

My wife being in charge is attractive                                67%

Improving performance in some area of my life               27%

I like pain                                                                           14%

It's mainly a spanking fetish                                               32%

Other                                                                                    3%

As usual with these polls, there are some outcomes I would have predicted and others I would not.  I assumed that having an “in charge” wife is a turn-on for many of us, but I underestimated how many.  Hopefully, any of the wives who are concerned that if they become more dominant their husbands will reject that confidence and power as “bitchiness” will read this and see that, no, that attitude is very, very much what he wants from you.  So, bring it. 

I assumed giving up control was a big part of the motivation for many, particularly the Alphas among us.  I’m a little surprised that “boundaries and rules make me feel secure” didn’t score higher.  I’m not sure that “secure” is the right word for how enforced boundaries make me feel, but it definitely is a major part of the attraction DD had for me and continues to have.  I was a little surprised that “stress relief” was a factor for almost half of the respondents.  That isn’t a big part of my motivation, and I can’t say that stress relief is really something I get out of DD, other than I do think that giving up control reduces my sense of responsibility, which is probably good if not taken to an extreme.

What are your personal rankings regarding what motivates or drives you to pull down your pants, bend over, and let yourself be subjected to a painful disciplinary spanking?

I hope you all have a good week.

55 comments:

  1. Good question. What is it I want/desire/need out of FLR and DD? For me it is all intensely erotic, so I would say that overall what I want--and what I am getting--is an erotically enriched life and a deeper, more intimate bond to my wife. Let's consider the options you listed:

    1. Spanking fetish? Check. Well, that was the starting point. Being spanked by or in front of girls has been a masturbation fantasy for me my entire life, and I discovered how to masturbate at about the age of six while lying face down in my bed imagining myself being spanked by my teacher in front of the girls in my class. I had an orgasm from squirming against the mattress, creating an association between sexual pleasure and spanking. I didn't even know what sex was for years after that, so spanking was the only object of my sexual feelings for years.

    2. I don't like pain, but I am aroused by humiliation, and being bent over, exposed for punishment, at the mercy of person to whom I am sexually attracted is intensely humiliating. I don't like pain, but being at the mercy of the spanker deepens the humiliation.

    3. My wife being in charge isn't just attractive, it's deeply erotic. Over the years, FLR has become much bigger than domestic discipline, such that spanking serves as a symbolic representation of my wife's superior status 24/7. Most of the time, my wife's authority isn't constraining because we generally agree what needs to be done. But my time is governed by her priorities, and when my wishes conflict with her priorities, she lays down the law and I obey. This is humbling because my ego really chafes under this yoke. I am as proud as the next guy, and in the early years of our marriage my pride got me into vehement arguments with my wife, and once I started to argue, I was really stubborn. That proud, stubborn guy still exists inside me, and I know flashes of him still show, and I think it gives my wife satisfaction to keep that part of me firmly under her thumb. I would say that sometimes she even gloats, which pushes my humiliation buttons as much as spanking does.

    4. Improving performance in some area of my life. Yes. And that area where I want to improve is serving my wife in ways of real benefit to her. If it was just her spanking me, she would be serving me. In truth, my wife threatens spankings way more than she gives them because when she threatens to spank me if I don't do something, I do it. I would do it even without the threat of a spanking because failing to please her is punishment enough. But my wife reminds me of her disciplinary power because she knows that gives her great erotic power.

    5. Other. Don't laugh, but sometimes when I am deeply immersed in serving my wife--kneeling at the foot of our bed to massage her feet, for example--I have a feeling of self-transcendence that is almost religious. I'm not saying I see her as God, but I feel as though she has broken me open and turned my weird, kinky self into something of value beyond my kink.
    DJ

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    1. Thanks, DJ. While I don't have a spanking fetish, at least not in the traditional sense, I do believe DD provides me with the "erotically enriched" life you reference. Pride is a serious problem for me as well, bordering on arrogance. My wife would stay more than "bordering on." DD gives her a way to humble me and express her frustration when my arrogance or intensity crosses a line. I do get what you are saying about self-transcendence in a non-religious sense. After a hard spanking, my ego-driven anxiety just vanishes for a while like, as you say, she has "broken me open"

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  2. One factor not mentioned in the poll is intimacy. By way of analogy: some languages have two words for "you", a familiar word used with close friends and relatives and a polite word used with strangers. Spanish for example has "tu" and "Usted", French has "tu" and "vous". Using the familiar word and the corresponding familiar form of the verb with a stranger is considered impolite and even insulting, but using it with someone you know shows closeness.

    I think it is the same with spanking. With a stranger it would constitute an assault, but when I am across my partner's knee I feel a strong sense of intimacy. With my bare bottom turned up I have no protection against the stinging smacks that I am receiving. This feeling of vulnerability is for me very intimate.

    richard.

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    1. Hi Richard. I am never happy with these polls after I post them, and they cannot be modified after the first person votes, yet I almost inevitably see something I wish I had done differently -- right after the first vote is cast. In this case, I don't know that "intimacy" would have made my list had I thought about it more, but "vulnerability" certainly would.

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  3. Joe2 here,

    Like the three legs of a stool: stress relief, improving performance at work/life and spanking fetish. If one was missing, it wouldn't work.

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  4. Thanks, Joe2. Maybe I should try spanking as stress relief. Wine doesn't seem to be doing the job.

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  5. Joe2 here,

    Ha, ha. No, no you just have to change the dosage or the type of grape. Seriously, I have consumed vast quantities of alcohol and I have never regretted not drinking the night before. However, I have a lot of fun "the night before."

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    1. I am not sure about alcohol as a stress-reliever. Research indicates that men who consume large quantities of alcohol on a regular basis are endangering their health. I don't know of any research into men who receive large quantities of spanks on their bottoms from their partner on a regular basis, but I think that if it were to be carried out, it would show that it improves their mental and emotional health. Maybe it would make a good project for a graduate student?
      richard.

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    2. I suspect they might struggle to get funding for such a study, though I'd certainly read it.

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    3. Adjusting dosage definitely is part of the prescription.

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  6. Hi Dan - I stopped by the Forum last week for the first time in months for a little distraction from a touch of mild depression brought on by the pressures of family and profession, only to become even more depressed as I read of Aunt Kay's passing - although I was glad that I was able to leave a small note of tribute.

    Also I am glad to see that the Forum is thriving and has become an important fixture in the F/M DD - DWC community - a significant contribution to be certain. Now, I may have just missed it last week - but I just noted the name change on the forum to the "Disciplinary Couples Club". In the spirit of Tomy's message about Aunt Kay believing you to have been one of the few worthy to carry on the DWC web site legacy, I heartily commend your decision. I also believe it be a nice touch to use "Couples" - as an acknowledgment that no one can replace Aunt Kay and her DWC - and also because the site is being run by a husband instead of a wife.

    I realize there are financial and anonymity concerns about establishing an actual web site (as opposed to a blog page) - but such a web site, kept current, and perhaps containing the archives of the original DWC with a link to this blog would be a great asset. This may be not even be possible - but regardless, your efforts in this blog on behalf of the "DWC community" are greatly appreciated.

    I am also pleased that "Even More", a story that I authored originally for the spanking Usenet group of the day - and about two years before my wife surprised me by finally catching on to all my spanking hints and becoming a DWC wife herself (that story is in the "User Stories" section here), has quite unexpectedly proven to be an inspiration for some of men here. I am glad that I was able to contribute in that small way. (A note on the ending of the story- the last line of the story was supposed to read "he did indeed love her 'even more'" - but apparently it got cut off during the copy and paste. The original Usenet version contains the correct ending). --al

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    1. Hi al. That's really great knowing you authored that story. I can't tell you how many times I have returned to it over the years.

      Yes, I made that change yesterday and wondered how long it would take someone to notice. :-) I actually had been thinking of it for many months, for a lot of reasons. As I wrote several weeks ago, the "Forum" format has its drawbacks, including facilitating a lot of participation but a fair amount of it surface level and repetitive. The idea of a club--a group of people with similar interests gathering together to enjoy each others company--has a lot more appeal, even if I can't figure out a way to do it. As for the word "couples," I actually had that in mind well before Kay's passing, and my choice of that word wasn't actually connected to her or the DWC. The twin motivations were: (a) my interactions with folks like JGirl convinced me that disciplined women might also want to engage on these topics, and I've become convinced that many of them gravitate to this DD for the same reasons the men do; and (b) I wanted to make sure that the title focusing on "husbands" didn't subtly discourage women from posting regardless of which side of the paddle they happen to be on. I don't plan to change the F/m focus, but I wanted the theme to be more inclusive and inviting to female participation.

      On the web site, I'm not sure what Tomy intends to do with it, but I certainly hope it can be preserved. I have thought many times about putting content from here onto an actual website, and it is those practical issues you discuss that get in the way. I'm not concerned about the financial issue, but I haven't figured out how to keep my anonymity since you have to register a website and pay a hosting service, and I don't know technically how to update one in the way I do a blog. But, I'm getting closer to a point at which I don't care a lot about the confidentiality issue, and it's probably something I could solve if I tried hard enough.

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  7. If you are serious here is my formula:

    The strength of the strike is has a color, but to make it clearer, I will use numbers: 1-6.

    1. Stings, but its only purpose is to get my brain in the right place. This whole event is mental, so having the correct attitude is important.
    2. After about 15 seconds go to 2. The only purpose of 2 is to go harder.
    3. 3 only lasts about 15-20 seconds. All it is doing is building tolerance to pain.
    4. Ah, now we are getting somewhere. This really hurts. The pain is starting to overwhelm my brain.
    5. Now, I do not know how I can tolerate the pain. I realize I am an idiot for wanting this. After every strike, I am focused on the pain that has just occurred and wonder on whether I can still take what is coming. My thoughts are no longer about anything but the pain. I am only focused on the pain. It is like rebooting my brain. Then there is the moment. The moment that the pain goes away. I still feel the hurt, but not the pain. Within 4-6 strikes, I go from legs dancing, noises that do not sound good, and biting into a towel to keep from shrieking, to a limp noodle- sub-space. Here is where it gets interesting. The longer she keeps striking me, the deeper I go into sub-space. According to my wife, she watches the clock. If it takes me eight minutes to get to sub-space, then she keeps going for eight minutes.
    6. I've never been to six because of how painful that spanking is going, so I cannot speak about using my safe word. Though I did use the safe word or a pinched nerve.

    After the spanking is over, she gives me aftercare. I always sleep very deeply. Sometimes for a few hours, mostly more. When I wake up, the problems are still there, but my emotional involvement is not. I return to being optimistic: "Yeah, the earth is going to plunge into the sun, but we are going to get really cool tans beforehand."

    Early on, my wife thought I was faking sup-space. So she pinched my inner thigh (where I had not been spanked) hard and twisted. I did not move or make a sound. It was an ah-ha moment for both of us.

    Lastly, this is the general situation. There are differences, e.g. sometimes it seems like she cannot hit hard enough and other times I drop fast.

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  8. Sorry Dan. I forgot to put my name for the number game. Joe2.

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  9. Dan, Joe2 here,

    Sorry for going off topic again. Sand, sand-glass, glass-beer, beer-motorcycles.

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  10. I did select stress relief in the poll - for me, maybe a better term is 'catharsis'. Like all of us, I'm exposed to the constant pressure and demands of work, family, the world, and my own wishes and expectations. For a few minutes at a time, I can turn myself over to my beloved wife, and release all that pent up stress as she releases the hairbrush on my behind. When things get tense at work, my thoughts escape to being 'stripped and strapped'.

    Wife attractive - definitely. As richard notes, that intimacy is a powerful draw - our relationship has become deeper since my wife and I began practicing DD.

    How about - "Living the FLR." Most men go along with their wives' wishes in terms of household matters and timing and frequency of sex as a matter of course. And like DJ says, my wife and generally don't disagree much in terms of decision-making. So for those of us who see ourselves differently, how do we validate that self-image?

    For me, being a 'Disciplined Hubby' is an intense reminder of my willingness to submit to my wife's authority, and at the same time makes me feel superior to those regular 'slacker' husbands unwilling to suffer some discomfort for the strength of their marriage. And for that to be real, that 'painful disciplinary spanking' has to happen with some regularity.

    CrimsonKing

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    1. Thanks, CK. On the Living the FLR factor, for me there is a goal-oriented and philosophical point even in that. I have more or less consciously adopted an FLR because submitting to me wife might help me have some chance of submitting to ANYTHING. I have been stressed to the gills lately, and philosophically I know I would be in better mental and emotional shape if I just accepted that there are some things I can't control and some things that will happen to me whether I like them or not. Living the FLR is incredibly hard for me precisely because it requires a submission that goes deeply against the grain. But, it is valuable for that same reason.

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  11. >"What are your personal rankings regarding what motivates or drives you to pull down your pants, bend over, and let yourself be subjected to a painful disciplinary spanking?"<

    To be honest? For a while now, nothing. And it's been true for me perhaps even more than for Rosa. We are getting along fine, but our activities together have all been project or adventure-driven. I'm feeling particularly surly with regards to being told what to do. One day Rosa even made a comment that she wanted to spank me for something on a more fun basis and while I didn't object, I just sort of changed the subject. In my past I NEVER would have turned down or avoided the opportunity for some disciplinary interaction. My head's just not in the game lately.

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    1. I hear you. I've been in that same space regarding surliness at being told what to do, though I'm also recognizing that my stress level is totally out of control. My resistance to being told what to do is almost certainly because I'm really pissed off about some work things and, when that happens, my self-defense mechanisms kick in and I switch into hyper-controlling mode, because of course I can handle all problems myself through will alone . . .

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  12. Dan-

    I'm glad someone brought it up. I noticed the name change this AM and wondered how long I had missed that detail. Great modification from my perspective!!!!

    Polling is so hard to get right because of the nuance of the wording of the question as you've seen. You and I seem to come at this from the same angle so I understood what you were asking.
    1. Yes, boundaries make EVERYONE feel secure. We've all at some point heard that expressed in the context of children and rules. That children are happier when they have rules, knowing what they can and can't do. It provides a sense of security to them. Having rules and boundaries makes life a little less scattered, disorganized and overwhelming. I believe that doesn't change w age. I think it's the core of that sentiment that you were alluding to in your question. I do not LIKE having rules and even worse having them imposed upon me . However, I have gotten to a point in life that I am able to look in the mirror and be honest with myself that I am better off having rules and boundaries. Like many of us Alpha males here...i've reached a stage and position in life that i actually have little accountability to others. The boss at work and (had been) the boss at home. I have the luxury to basically, in relative terms, "do what I want". And for a period of time I found myself being to a degree self destructive in ways (weight, booze, health, level of engagement around the house etc). I've always thought that was a component to why (again Thank You Aunt Kay) the survey about couples that start engaging DD or FLR is driven by "older" men. I think we hit a stage and realize after a life time of bucking authority, we do need some sense of boundaries and ACCOUNTABILITY brought back into our lives. Our spouse is the one person we can "accept" it from. So i wonder how the responses would be different if it was asking if you feel you need/do better w boundries and accountability in your life. Which then in returns provides us a degree of that feeling of security.
    2. Similar progression w the "stress relief". I'm not looking to her holding me accountable for my behavior aka Spanking me specifically for the stress release.....however during those times, in those moments when she's in charge, we are no longer burdening the pressure of making decisions etc etc.....and from that comes a sense of stress release.

    Some of the wives might get a chuckle out of this pretty apt analogy, after all we do hear that men are just boys in grown bodies. When a child is spinning out of control you don't let them continue to get themselves more and more worked up. The loving way you calm and get them re-centered is to hold them securely, then they inevitably will calm down again. THAT'S what this does for me...after a spanking or scolding I am re-centered and calmed again. I also think that's why we all seem to have a bit of the "puppy dog effect" after.....or am I the only one that finds himself following my wife around after the fact like a little puppy?????

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    1. I definitely could have written your second paragraph as a description of my own dynamic, with the exception of hitting a stage where we want boundaries and accountability brought "back into" our lives. I think one reason that DD hammered me so hard when I finally discovered it is I had spent virtually my entire life without externally imposed boundaries. When I describe to my wife the level of independence I had even as a kid, she is just dumbfounded. I just never had a point in life where I was subject to authority, or at least not anything like consistent, well-meaning authority.

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  13. Various reasons: -
    1) Resolve whatever issue is festering. We both like the idea that whatever it is that is bothering her, it can be dealt with by me dropping my pants and her spanking me.
    2) The way spanking creates such a powerful feeling of intimacy, particularly as my willingness to take it shows my love for her.
    3) Priming for sex afterwards. It is definitely the best foreplay for both of us.

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    1. Yeah, "finality" or "early and effective conflict resolution" would have been another great ones to include

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  14. I have also been in a crappy head space, and the last time I accepted a spanking was six weeks ago.
    Prior to that, try this fifty cents word: algolagnia.
    I am most always mentally aroused when being spanked, although the arousal does not show physically until afterwards.
    I feel pain, just like most anybody, though I have a very high tolerance, and a number of mental methods to push through anything Merry can give.
    I don't enjoy pain, so much as getting mentally aroused by it, and loving the afterburn.
    So, spanking is primarily a fetish, for me.
    While I have not experienced much lately, I constantly read-write-blog watch spanko porn.

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    1. That's definitely a new term for me. Also not one I can relate to personally. While my interest in DD clearly has an erotic facet, I definitely am not at all aroused during or immediately after a spanking.

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    2. @ Dan: Shilo's arousal isn't something physical, and, as I have stated before, sex isn't a post-spanking activity for us.

      We did break the dry spell on Tuesday (4-17) though, and it was pleasant for me.

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  15. Something I neglected to mention in my last comment. A liking for pain does not seem to be a major reason for wanting domestic discipline, only 14% of the respondents chose it. I do not like pain myself, but I find that when I am excited I am less sensitive to pain. After my partner had spanked me a couple of times using her hand and found that she enjoyed doing it, we bought a paddle. The first time she used it, she was unsure how hard to hit with it, and I laughed and said I could barely feel anything. That provoked her, she started to bring it down as hard as she could, alternating from cheek to cheek. I noticed that it was stinging, but I didn't feel very much pain as I was so excited. It was not until afterwards that I realized how hard she had paddled me. I sat down and immediately stood up again. For the next few hours it was very uncomfortable to sit down, even on a cushion, and I spent most of the time standing up or lying down. I had mixed feelings about this. I did not like the pain I felt when I sat down, but I did like the reminder that I had been soundly spanked.
    richard.

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    1. I agree that something about the pre-spanking arousal lessens my perception of pain during the event. That's why when people describe "milking," i.e. being required to have an orgasm prior to a spanking, I have no desire at all to actually experience that.

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    2. D-
      Is your wife aware of that idea.....making you cum prior? If not you may want to try to keep her from hearing about it!!!!! It makes the spank sensation VERY VERY different. Especially given how hard your wife likes to spank. In addition to the difference it makes to the feeling of the spanking.......it can be made worse by her calmly sitting there and instructing you to stand in front of her and masterbate to completion. Something about the act in that context being so "clinical", there is NOTHING erotic about it in that setting that makes it SO humiliating!

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    3. Nope, and I have no intention whatsoever of telling her about it.

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    4. (Damn...how I now wish I could pass her a note w the suggestion LOL...LOL)

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    5. I am comforted by the fact that she seems to have no interest whatsoever in visiting this blog

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  16. Hi,
    thanks for sharing your blog! I wanted to comment on this piece from this very insightful post, because I thought it was worth calling out.

    "Hopefully, any of the wives who are concerned that if they become more dominant their husbands will reject that confidence and power as “bitchiness” will read this and see that, no, that attitude is very, very much what he wants from you."

    I really like this point. Women are conditioned to ask for things they should expect in ways that won't be interpreted by men as bitchiness. It's a side effect of men being threatened by authoritative women. Sadly, it's pretty ingrained in female conditioning. When the soft request goes unanswered long enough a woman's tone can turn to 'nagging'.
    I like to counsel those trying to make a go at a working FLR that nagging is not a bad thing, it's an opportunity for the submissive man to recognize and need and expectation of hers, expressed clearly. It's his opportunity to show his submissive bona-fides by hearing her out, asking her what it is she is not getting, thanking her for sharing and then taking on that responsibility so she never has to feel that way about that particular issue again.

    I just thought it was worth noting how clearly you called that 'teachable moment' out in your insightful post!

    Thanks,

    Key

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    1. Thanks, Key. It's a pet peeve of mine. Ultimately, leading inherently comes along with the risk that the person you are leading may not like your decisions and, yes, may even resent them. A lot. If I take a man to task, he will leave my office calling me a dick under his breath. If a woman takes that same man to task, he will leave her office calling her a bitch under her breath. The only real difference between the two scenarios is his reaction won't stop me from doing what I have to do, while too many women will decide they don't want to lead if it means someone may call them a nasty word or even think it of them. Socialization is some of it, but women also need to take some responsibility here and realize that being resented kind of comes with the territory of taking charge, at least when you are dealing with a subordinate who is not naturally submissive.

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    2. Well, hopefully in a Female led relationship, taking charge leads to LESS resentment. :)

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    3. I think it probably does, in the big picture. As a lot of people in these dynamics observe, in most marriages wives already "punish" their husbands -- just in long, drawn out, passive aggressive ways that leave both parties unhappy and resentful. And, as Domme friend helped me see, truly equal relationships just don't work very well. Things really do work better with a chain of command. But, I think that resentment is inevitable in dynamics like mine in which the husband is not naturally submissive. I really, truly do not like being bossed around. I may like the *idea* of it, but the reality is much harder.

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    4. Hm, that would be difficult. Do you find you need a lot of incentivizing?

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    5. No, because despite not being naturally submissive, I do want this lifestyle. My personality is too one-sided in terms of intensity, drive, etc. Balancing that out requires something pretty strong, in the opposite direction. So, having to give in to something I genuinely do not like in the moment and having to take orders from someone is humbling, and I recognize I need humbling. Also, part of me does crave being held accountable when I have done something wrong, but that is very different from being submissive.

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    6. So if you aren't natural to this, but you accept it because it works, is that because you believe in her decisions?

      Thanks for talking about this. I really appreciate the insight.

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    7. I think you have a very good point when you say that wives (and girlfriends) already punish their partners. There is no need to put the word in inverted commas, it quite definitely is punishment. It just takes a different form to corporal punishment - withholding of affection, biting remarks etc. As you say, this leaves both parties unhappy and resentful. Do you find that it is different when your wife has punished you with a spanking?
      richard.

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    8. Key: No. I read your book, and this is the one thing in it that I don't agree with. I don't think my wife's decisions are any better than my own in most areas, and I don't think that is really necessary for one of these power exchange relationships to work. What she has that is better than my own is not decision making ability but, rather, a more balanced and healthier temperament.

      Richard: I do think that for her at least DD has short-circuited the passive aggressive cycle of resentment. The only time it doesn't work is when she falls into old patterns and doesn't order a spanking when I have done something to piss her off.

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    9. First, thanks for reading my book!

      Second, so its her more even keel that makes it work?

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    10. I would phrase it more as it was my desire to be held accountable when my lack of an even keel causes problems for her, myself or others, combined with her willingness to take on that role, that makes it work. Where that goes over time . . . we'll see.

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  17. In the survey my vote went with the majority who said allowing their wife to take charge was attractive.
    It has been satisfying to see her become more and more confident , to the point that she can control my poor behaviour with a comment , look or gesture....and of course her paddle or hairbrush.
    One of the downsides for us disciplined hubbies is that we are unable to see the expressions on our wife's face as she paddles your backside.
    Her confidence of being in charge is clear from her tone , comments and how she has learned how to snap that paddle for maximum effect.
    I'm quite sure my wife has a satisfied grin on her face as she whacks away....she certainly does when the spanking is over!
    Lately she has been more effective with her verbal chastisement techniques and I must say I enjoy it as I can see the expression on her face when she is 'verbally" disciplining me as opposed to a spanking where all you can see is the floor or perhaps her feet.

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    1. What a great thought/observation.....what does your wife's face look like as she spanks you???? Wonder if she's be open to doing it in a position where there was a mirror positioned so you can see....or even video it knowing/agreeing it would be erased. Funny aside about video....my "bashful" wife after my last spank was surprised (impressed???) by the color my bottom turned and i was SHOCKED when she instructed me to bend over the kitchen table because she wanted to take a pic of it for me to see!!!!! LOL

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    2. I'm not sure mine would ever go for the picture taking or video. I think she would be too concerned about it getting out. Though, it would really be me who should be concerned, right?

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    3. I have overshared how "prudish" my wife is....when she said SHE wanted to take a pic i was blown away. I almost said no for that reason (it somehow getting out) she said "oh come on we'll just delete it after"

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    4. I doubt if she (or I) would be comfortable with mirrors or cameras so her expression will likely remain a mystery.I suppose a 'butt pic' would be harmless enough as it could be any body's.

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    5. Never with a phone, but a regular camera... maybe! Yes, Dan, certainly I'd be more at risk of embarrassment than my wife, but it'd be nice to snuggle up with her and review the session afterwards via photo or video.
      CrimsonKing

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    6. Well, to each her own. Merry always, almost, takes phone-camera "after" pictures.
      AND we have produced over 50 Merry-spanks-Shilo videos.

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  18. Dan
    A test having problems with getting on here.
    anna

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  19. Dan
    The one thing I have found when entering into a DD or DLR is being consistent. When we started, Peter and I sat down and worked out the behavior that would demand he be punished. To be candid, in the beginning it was very hard for me to follow though with instigating a punishment session. It took me time and his patience with me to arrive at the point we are today. We also have two sons that make it harder to discipline at the moment the offense occurs.
    At the start we reserved punishment for Friday nights as the boys spend the night with my parents. As the
    got older and began to have activities in the evenings it was easier. Before driving the boys to an activity
    Peter knows to go to our room, strip and stand in the corner and wait. When I get back no discussion and he is punished. After he dresses and then goes to pick up the boys. It works! It takes however some planning but it works.
    Anna

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    1. Hi Anna. I agree with you that consistency is probably the thing that most of the husbands want the most and would like to see improved. It's great that you've gotten there.

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  20. Looking at your poll, I guess that I am in the group that craves to loose control and give it to someone else.

    My wife began spanking me 10 years ago after I asked and actually begged her to spank me. After a couple of years we moved to me being soundly spanked every Sunday morning and my behavior during the week determined just how hard that Sunday spanking would be.
    I hate to admit that my wife spanks hard and part of me is scared of bending over her lap on Sunday mornings but once the spanking begins I know that I deserve and need it and once I give in to my punishment and collapse over her lap bawling my eyes out as she spanks I feel free and at home, nothing is quite like it.

    Once I have cried enough and she decides the spanking is over I get 20 minutes in the corner to recover and think before I can pull my pants and underpants back up and we go on with the day. I have a whole new lease on life after I am dressed and we go on with our day.

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  21. My late wife made it clear early after we met that she might spank me if I "misbehaved", but what really "sealed it" was when I confessed I had been spanked - strapped, actually - when I was 17, and by a woman twice my age. This was the start of her "disciplinary" mode, which she maintained (with an increasing number of "tools") over the next 20 years... and, often enough, under the eyes of a few of her friends... one of whom I later (re)married - and who already knew how to keep me in line!
    L.

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