The Forum -- Vol. 238 -- Tears and more tears

"I was better after I had cried, than before--more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.” - Charles Dickens from Great Expectations

Hello all.  I hope you had a great week.  Welcome back to the The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships. 

Well, one month down in this new year.  Honestly, I did a little better than usual at keeping to some resolutions around diet and exercise.  Not perfect, by a long shot, but not terrible either.  Though, it did start drifting a bit toward the end, and I'm going to have to whip myself back onto the better track I was on.  Or, a certain someone is going to have to do it for me! But, all in all, 2018 is still looking better than 2017.  But, I recently came across this link that gave me reason to think that perhaps I judged 2017 a little too harshly: 
https://qz.com/1169003/the-99-best-things-that-happened-in-2017/.  Every once in a while, it's good to focus on the positive, which these days generally seems to require completely cutting yourself off from the daily news cycle.

A couple of weeks ago, we closed another poll.  This one on a subject that long-time readers know is particularly near and dear to my heart.  To the point that I consciously try not to overdo it.  Which is difficult, because it was probably the very most important facet of domestic discipline to me in the beginning, and one that I found simultaneously fascinating and terrifying.  That topic is tears, specifically, being brought to real tears by an adult spanking.  The results from the most recent poll are in: 

 

I have not but want to:                                            46%

I have not and do not want to:                                12%

I have but only a few tears:                                    17%

I have, including crying hard or sobbing:               22% 

I've run variations of this poll a couple of times, though this is the first time I've asked whether those who have not cried want to.  The results as to the relative proportions of those who have cried and those who have not has stayed fairly stable across the polls, with about half saying they have not cried, and with the other half somewhat closely divided between those who have shed only a few tears and those who say an adult spanking has led to hard crying or sobbing.   

This year's spin on the poll does seem to show pretty clearly that of those who have not cried, a very solid majority would like to. You definitely can put me in that camp.  The prospect of crying was probably the most significant driver of the emotional reaction I had when I first discovered domestic discipline by reading about it on-line.  Stories of men being brought to tears over their wives knees transfixed me, though not in a wholly positive way.  More like being in a car and knowing you are about to crash and can't avoid it.  It left me with butterflies in my stomach, though that really understates things.  I couldn't sleep.  I couldn't think of much of anything else for the couple of days between when I first stumbled on the concept and when I brought it to my wife's attention. I found the whole prospect both utterly compelling and utterly repulsive.  It both fascinated and scared the living hell out of me.  The thought of letting go of control so thoroughly that I would sob in front of my wife as a result of a paddling or strapping she delivered really shook me to my core in a fundamental way.  It scared me like nothing else really every had or has since, yet I found myself compulsively drawn to it.   

This fascination with tears shows up even in my reaction to spanking-related art and media.  Pictures that show real tears as the result of a spanking still give me butterflies in the stomach:

 

Though, it probably says a lot about the factors that prevent men from crying that in order to find a good drawing of an adult spanking resulting in tears, I have to go with a woman spankee, because the art depicting men crying is almost completely devoid of anything resembling actual emotional release.

Yet, here we are so many years later, and I still have not cried. Even as a result of spankings that plainly fall into the "severe" range.  So, while the spanking fantasy literature may suggest it's all about effort on her part, that's clearly not the case.  Instead, I would describe it as a necessary but insufficient part of the recipe for tears.

While it's impossible for me to pinpoint exactly why, I've come to believe there are certain factors that play into why some men get there and some don't:

Severity:  A spanking must be severe enough to "get the job done."  But, at least in my case if it starts out very severe from the start using a really painful instrument like a skinny wooden paddle or a rubber strap, I absolutely will not be brought to tears because, paradoxically, it is just too hard and I can't stop myself from resisting it.  I cannot stop myself from trying to "man up" and just get through each swat.  No matter how much I go into the spanking with the intent of "taking my medicine" and leaving myself open to it in a way that might let me release into tears, I just cannot do it if the pain level is too much at the beginning. 

Duration: My wife tends to spank very hard, but sometimes so much so that my bottom gets in bad shape quickly and then she decides to terminate the spanking.  I suspect that duration plays at least as big a role as severity in bringing about real tears and that sobbing is more likely to happen when it starts really occurring to him that this spanking is going to go on way past his ability to "take it like a man."

  

Immediacy and remorse:  Oftentimes, I'm being spanked for something that we both agree is something I should be spanked for but, (a) it's something that didn't have any real impact on her or anyone else and, hence, I don't really feel all that guilty about it; or (b) so much time has passed between the offense and the consequences that whatever guilt I once felt has dissipated.

Lecturing: Related to the presence or absence of remorse, I suspect that a very strong lecture before the spanking would help soften me up emotionally and leave me more vulnerable and, hence, more likely to cry.  This has, unfortunately, never been my wife's strong suit, though she has been getting better at it recently.  

"Manliness": Some men's identities are more bound up with the concept of being "manly" with all that it entails.  Unfortunately, one thing it may entail is a very deep-seated resistance to showing vulnerability and an inability to easily display that vulnerability or weakness.  Those identity traits are actually strengths that can help us get through a lot, accomplish a lot and succeed in out-sized ways. But, like all such traits, they can come at a price when they become excessive or one-dimensional. That price may be a very strong resistance to embarrassment and emotional vulnerability, both of which crying from a spanking would likely entail.

Pain tolerance:  The plain fact is, I have a lead bottom and a weirdly high pain threshold.  I've suffered some fairly significant injuries in the past, but they just didn't hurt me as much as they seem to hurt other people.  So, getting me to a point at which the pain becomes truly unbearable is a daunting prospect.  

Encouragement from the disciplinary spouse:  Those of us who have a strong emotional resistance to crying may also fear embarrassment more than others.  In those cases, I think the disciplinary wife probably has a role in facilitating tears not just by lecturing sternly then spanking severely, but also by letting her husband know before and during the spanking that not only is she comfortable with him crying, but she wants him to do so. My wife and I have discussed this several times, and I think her attitude has progressed a lot as she has become more comfortable in her role, going from acknowledging that my crying might disturb her because it it shows is hurting me "too much," to getting over that and being OK if I do cry at some point, to mildly disappointed that it has not happened yet. 

Determination to Deliver Discipline.  While this may not qualify as a truly separate category, I do think that tears are at least much more likely to result when she (a) wants them to happen; (b) is determined to bring them about, and (b) is determined to do so because she is determined that the spanking will be given and received as a real, true disciplinary experience.  ZD alluded to this a few weeks ago when he shared with us that he had finally cried from being spanked.  As he told us, it came about largely because his wife announced it advance that it was going to, period.

So, with that very long-winded opening, tell us your situation, hopes and fears where tears are concerned.  Have you been brought to tears?  Would you like to be?  If you have, were there certain things that enabled you to get there? If not, what do you think is holding you back?  For those of you who have cried, what role did your spouse playing in getting you there, and have they told you how they feel about you crying as a result of their disciplinary efforts?

 

I hope you all have a great week.