“Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.” - Frank Herbert
Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club. Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.
I hope you all had a great week. Or, I guess it’s been a couple of weeks since we had a real topic change. This flu that is going around is no joke. I felt like walking death for a week, and I’m still not back 100%. I’m trying to live cleanly to give myself the best chance at recovering quickly, so I think I’m going to try to stay dry for the rest of February.
Being more or less on the sidelines for two weeks did allow for a wide-ranging discussion about the origin statistics we gathered. In addition to the statistics themselves and speculations about how to account for them, we ventured into Freudianism, consensual non-consent, caning, fear, and a bunch of other areas that might provide some fodder for new topics.
As for the statistics, I tried to tally up all the responses. These are approximations, because a few people gave narrative responses that didn’t wholly track to the options I’d provided.
How prevalent was spanking in the community/communities you grew up in? (very prevalent/moderately prevalent/not prevalent at all)
Very - 14
Moderately - 4
Not prevalent - 1
[Varied across multiple
communities (2)]
How open were parents and kids in your community about spankings, including talking openly about the subject and/or spanking in public? (very open/moderately open/it was known but kept mostly/it was not discussed or performed in public at all)
Very open -8
Moderately open - 11
Not open - 1
How frequently were you subject to corporal punishment at home? (frequently/a few times but not regularly/not at all)
Frequently -10
A few times but not regularly – 9
Not at all – 3
If you were subject to corporal punishment at home, who was the primary disciplinarian? (mother/father/both mother and father equally)
Mother - 10
Father - 0
Both - 7
Were you subject to corporal punishment at school? (yes/no)
Yes - 9
No – 12
Were you spanked by relatives or third parties outside your home or school? (yes/no)
Yes - 4
No – 17
At what age did you develop an interest in spanking or being spanked? (pre-teen/teen/20s/30s/40s or older)
Pre-teen - 11
Teens - 8
20s - 1
30s - 1
40s – 1
At what age did you develop an interest in Domestic Discipline or DWC-style spankings? (pre-teen/teen/20s/30s/40s or older)
Pre-teen - 1
Teens - 5
20s - 4
30s - 5
40s - 5
60s - 1
As has been the case with virtually every poll I’ve ever done on this blog, the answers quickly revealed some substantial problems with the questions. The biggest was probably in the phrasing of the question around school spankings. As it turns out, several people drew a distinction between being “subject to” corporal punishment at school, i.e. corporal punishment took place at their schools, versus being “subjected to” it, meaning that had received such punishment themselves.
I’m not planning to provide some grand unifying theory, based on this data, for how people come to be attracted to these lifestyles. The data set was very small, there was no control group, and while there may be some visible patterns, there’s not much to go on with respect to why such patterns might be there.
But, there are a couple of things that do jump out at me. First, the overwhelming majority of respondents said they developed an interest in spanking or being spanked in either their teenage or pre-teen years. It was hard to assign some respondents to only one of those groupings, because their answer was something like “around puberty.” But, the responses did seem to solidly verify that most of you acquired your interest in spanking at a pretty young age.
Second, there seems to be an interesting inverse correlation at play. Not a single respondent who was spanked at home said that their father was the primary disciplinarian. And, the 10-7 split between “mother” and “both” looks closer than it actually is, because if someone referred to even one spanking from each parent, I put them down as “both”, even though some said that they were spanked mostly by their mother and only once or twice by their fathers. It’s an interesting split, especially given how prevalent the phrase “Just wait ‘til your father gets home” once seemed to be.
So, can we conclude that father’s
doling out discipline in our childhood is inversely correlated with developing
a desire for DD-style spankings later in life?
Hard to say. It’s a pretty
definitive result in this data but, again, the data set is incredibly small. And, as ZM pointed out, correlation does not equal
causation. Still, it’s interesting, and
it makes me wonder a bit more about this hypothesis from ZM:
“(original hypothesis): "Suppose that there were always a certain percentage of people who were hardwired to want or seek discipline/spanking/etc. If that is the case, then because spanking in schools and homes was such a common thing up until the past few decades, what if somehow many/most of those who were hardwired that way experienced the reality as a child and either it somehow scratched that itch so the desire went away or at the very least, for most who had that need or want, spanking just became a matter of fact punishment which never transitioned into a sexual desire, since they simply didn't think of it that way? Then, as childhood spankings began to become much less common in society, the people who are hardwired that way were left with this smoldering desire that they didn't understand, which manifested as interest in adult spanking, mostly with erotic tones. If this (admittedly far-fetched) theory is correct, then spankings frequently occurring in schools and homes could have actually de-sexualized spanking for most, and actually kept adult spanking from becoming a thing!"
(revised hypothesis): Same hardwired people as above, still growing up surrounded by spanking. Of those that got spanked with some frequency, it generally scratched the itch or at least satisfied their curiousity, so it ended up de-sexualizing spanking for almost all of them. But for those who either were spanked infrequently or not at all, the thought of spanking became a very sexually exciting thing.”
We seem to have this intuitive sense that childhood discipline somehow gets sexualized and that leads to an adult interest in spanking. But, ZM’s hypotheses flips that on its head and asks whether it might be the case that the prevalence of spanking in the community might lead many to be curious about it (some morbidly so), but many who actually experienced it, or experienced it often or hard enough, may have had that curiosity fully (or more than fully) satisfied. I don’t even think we need to start with the assumption about a large number of people being hard-wired to be into spanking. It could simply be that it was so prevalent in many communities that kids pretty much universally knew about it, and unsatisfied curiosity could turn into a fetish-like interest in the right circumstances.
How does that relate to the inverse correlation with spankings by fathers? Well, maybe spankings from dad were just a lot harder, or the power differential was such that they were more threatening or intimidating, so those spankings not only did not lead to any erotic attraction later but stamped out whatever curiosity the recipient may have had?
Did it really work that way? I don’t have a clue. As ZM suggested, a fundamental problem with trying to draw conclusions from this kind of survey is our respondents are by definition in a population that is self-selecting for a strong spanking interest. The data we don’t have is from all those people who were spanked at home or at school and who grew up in communities where spankings were prevalent and openly discussed, yet they never developed an attraction to it. You can hypothesize that the difference is the result of some Freudian process that gives some an Oedipal-like interest but not others from similar backgrounds, or that there is a genetic predisposition that exists in some but not others or that is triggered in some but not others, but in the end all we have is theories and none of them are really testable.
Partway through the discussion last week, someone suggested this topic. It might have been Doug, but the specific comment it was in didn’t identify the poster:
"I had a thought that is tangential to this topic. Maybe it could be a future topic. The questionnaire asks at what age we “developed an interest” in spanking and DD. We all have an interest in spanking and DD or we wouldn’t be here. But I’m curious what different people mean by “having an interest.” That could cover a wide range of mental states, from being curious about it to being obsessed with it. Is DD something you would like to have, but it’s okay if you don’t get it? Or is it a really strong desire? Or not just a desire, but a need? A craving?"
So, let’s make that this week’s topic.
For me, it’s hard to characterize. The easiest way to begin might be with the question is it “okay if you don’t get it?” Would my life be okay without DD? Sure. If something were to happen to me and Anne, would it be a deal-killer for any future relationship? No. DD is part of my life and part of our relationship, but only part. If I had to, I could and would go on, more or less okay, without it.
In another sense, however, I’m not okay if I don’t get it. There are times that we get out of the habit, or that I start not liking being accountable to someone, when I think that maybe I’ve outgrown the need for DD. Yet, almost as soon as I have that thought, something happens that proves that indeed I do still need and that I’m not okay without it, in the sense that without it my behavior does get objectively worse, as does my mood and sense of well-being.
Does my interest reach the level of a fetish? No, not even close in any scientific sense of that word or even in most colloquial senses. But, is it something that has a strong element of erotic energy, one that fuels lots of fantasies and dreams? Yes.
Is it merely a desire, or a need? That’s a tough one. As I said, when I don’t get it, it’s undeniable that my behavior gets objectively worse, and I feel less balanced. In that sense, it tilts toward a need. And, the whole concept of “desire” is paradoxical when it comes to DD, because when it is an immediate prospect I definitely do not desire it.
How about curiosity versus obsession? That’s an interesting one, because when I first discovered adult spanking, via a segment of the HBO series Real Sex, I was curious. When I discovered the DWC, however, I think “obsessed” would be a fair characterization of what I felt. Today, “obsessed” probably would be a bit strong, yet it’s true that my interest level has stayed high enough to do this blog almost weekly for over 10 years.
I would say I have a desire for discipline and accountability, and I need them to be serious and real. The need/desire does not rise to the level of a fetish, but is strong and long-lasting.
How about you? How would you describe your level of interest in or need for disciplinary spankings?
I hope you all have a great week.
Dan, thanks for doing this topic. Your surmise that it came from me was correct. I sometimes wonder whether my obsession could be considered a psychological disorder, and I am curious whether I am unique that way. Taking your questions in order:
ReplyDeleteAm I okay without it? I used to be in the early years of my marriage. Although spanking was my earliest erotic fantasy, going back to early childhood, I used to be able to live without acting on the fantasy. My wife and I had a good vanilla sex life until my mid 30’s. Then I got a home computer with Internet and discovered the online world of adult spanking. That flipped a switch, and then I had to have it. An addiction to spanking porn almost ruined my marriage. My wife saved our marriage by agreeing to give me DD within a framework of FLR. That has worked pretty well, but my wife’s dedication to DD has diminished as we have aged. Unfortunately, my obsession hasn’t diminished, so I find myself living in two worlds: the real world in which my wife occasionally spanks me, though not as strictly as I need, and a fantasy world in which she frequently spanks me until I cry. I feel guilty about being unable to live more fully in the real world, appreciating my wife as she really is. That’s part of the reason I am undergoing therapy. I also feel guilt about my renewed consumption of spanking porn as real life spankings have dropped off. I hit upon a metaphor in talking to my therapist: if spanking is my heroin, spanking porn is methadone.
Does my interest reach the level of a fetish? Definitely. I even have something of a fetish for the implements my wife spanks me with: the hairbrush, the paddle, the terrible strap. I have a fetish for the very word “spanking”. Hearing it gives me an erotic jolt, and I can’t say it without blushing. (Jillian Keenan talks about that too).
Is it a desire or a need? A need. An addiction. If I can’t get it, the fantasy of it devours me.
Curiosity versus obsession? An obsession. I guess it is clear why I need therapy. Part of me wishes I was normal, but that’s like wishing I was someone else.
Doug
Hey Doug,
DeleteCan I ask if your wife knows about the current spanking porn usage? It would be a tough topic to start a conversation about, but it may stimulate that renew of dedication.
I know that to get a real, full time F/m DD I had to lay it all on the line and tell her what I needed and what I had been up to. What I needed was her involvement, and once she understood that was the way I understood love, she was all in. Just a thought.
TE
Hi TE,
DeleteMy wife knows I was addicted to spanking porn before we embarked on a FLR with DD some years ago. After she agreed to DD, she broke my addiction by limiting the leisure time I spent online. She knew I would still sneak a peak, but she didn’t mind as long as I was paying attention to her and doing chores she gave me. In the last couple of years we have been sleeping in separate rooms because she has become very sensitive to any sleep disturbances. My addiction to spanking erotica has come back full force because she doesn’t spank me as often as she used to and sleeping in a different room gives me lots of opportunity to indulge my craving online. You may be right that I should talk to her about it, but it’s difficult because I feel ashamed to still have this need at my age. We are both close to 70.
Doug
Isn't 70 the new 50?
DeleteDefinitely Dan! And Doug I don't think that you should feel ashamed. We've been talking of it as a need. Accept and enjoy. Get spanked for it if you can and return to peeking but if not don't beat yourself up.
Delete“Isn't 70 the new 50?”
DeleteYou may be right, Dan. But you have to remember, being 50 used to suck. ;-)
Thanks, Merk. In my head, I know I should beat myself up. But emotions don’t always follow what we know. If they did, psychotherapists would be out of work.
DeleteWhile 70 maybe the new 50, we are in our mid 70s and while his attitude sometimes requires and deserves adjustment the physical strength and energy required is sometimes hard to muster. Also after recent punishments his bruising seems to take longer to heal. We have had a DD dynamic for well over 50 years., Rarely are his chores not done and the biggest challenge for him is sometimes uttering sexist thoughts. I have never found any erotic feelings around spanking him, Since early in our relationship i saw a profound change in his behavior after getting spanked by my mom. In my family as there were so many kids my mom made it clear that violating her rules was a certain spanking. The boys were tkold to fetch a switch and wait pants down, or got the razor strop. The girls a hairbrush or wooden spoon. I hated and greatly feated being spanked so avoided it by adhering to your the rules, I saw my brothers spanked so I had a good idea of what my husband had endured.Our dynamic is me being maternal, and while we do have intimacy, the spankings are not sexual
DeleteMiss C,
DeleteI find your relationship fascinating. Your mother spanked your husband at one point? Wow! I can only imagine how embarrassing it would have been to be spanked by my mother-in-law! Like you, my wife says that spanking me isn’t sexual for her. However, I have noticed that as she has become less interested in sex, the frequency and strictness of discipline has dropped off. That makes me wonder whether there might be an unconscious connection between her libido and her desire to exercise disciplinary authority over me.
Doug
I love that Underling drawing of the woman masturbating as she replays the memory of a spanking she witnessed. I wish my wife got erotic pleasure from spanking me. Maybe she would be stricter if she did.
ReplyDeleteDoug
I like the drawing but interpreted it differently than you. I saw it as her fantasizing about giving spankings, not about a memory. But, that's the great thing about art.
DeleteI agree, Dan, the great thing about art is that multiple interpretations are possible. The reason I think that she is replaying a memory of witnessing a spanking is that there are two women in the black and white image, one with a ponytail and one with her hair in a bun. (A slightly older woman?). The woman with her hair in a bun is giving the spanking, and the woman masturbating appears to be the (younger?) woman who was watching. But I imagine that she’s getting off on the idea of having the power to do that herself.
DeleteDoug
This is a very interesting topic and one that I have given a lot of thought to when trying to explain to my wife what makes me tick. Unfortunately I wasn't able to take part in the survey last week (I kept getting an error message when I tried to post a comment), but I'm one of those people whose fascination with spanking goes back to early childhood. I can remember when I was about 6 years old and was totally fascinated when a school friend told me that her big sister had been spanked with a wooden spoon that morning. I found my first playboy when I was about 12 or 13 and I can remember that my first sexual fantasies were to be spanked by the women pictured there. During puberty I found spanking videos and stories on the internet that really stimulated me. Since then, spanking has been pretty much the main theme that drives my fantasies. I would therefore probably consider myself a spanking fetishist. Although that is only part of my spanking identity. I only told my wife about it 2 years ago and we tried discipline spanking for a few months. I discovered that it gives me a lot emotionally when she is in charge and sets boundaries. It gives me a feeling of security and peace. My wife's dominance somehow calms me down. Spanking is the strongest expression of this, but I've noticed it in other areas too. I can remember her giving me a good scolding a few weeks ago and as hard as it was for my ego to accept, it also calmed me down at the same time. Before and after a spanking I fantasize about it and the thought of it excites me immensely. But during the spanking I just want it to stop (although I'm often disappointed afterwards if it stops too soon). I don't quite understand this. I guess spanking is also an expression of my submissive side. We've also been experimenting a bit with Chastity recently and it's somehow very satisfying to give her this kind of control over me. Paradoxically, I usually hate it when other people try to control me. As a lawyer and responsible for a team of 7 people, I have a high-pressure job and often have to show a kind of dominance at work that is not really me, which is very difficult for me. In this respect, it fulfills me when she sets the tone at home and also disciplines me. It is definitely a deep need for me and although my wife is not dominant per se, we are slowly trying to integrate spanking back into our relationship. I love my wife and would never leave her for that reason, but if I had to look for a new relationship, I would look for a dominant woman who can fulfill that need. Two weeks ago I got my first caning in almost 2 years and soon we will be moving from an apartment to a house with lots of space. I hope that the new found privacy will make it easier for my wife and we will slowly find our way into a DD relationship. My wife always says that she is simply not dominant. I don´t think that`s true. I think it's more a trait that many women don't want to admit to. But I'm straying from the topic. Mike
ReplyDeleteMike, everything you say resonates with me.
Delete"I discovered that it gives me a lot emotionally when she is in charge and sets boundaries. It gives me a feeling of security and peace. My wife's dominance somehow calms me down."
DeleteSame here.
"As a lawyer and responsible for a team of 7 people, I have a high-pressure job and often have to show a kind of dominance at work that is not really me, which is very difficult for me." I used to be vague on here about my profession and still am to an extent, but I've recently become more open about admitting I too was a lawyer. Technically, I still am as I've maintained my licenses, but I haven't practiced in almost four years. When people ask me what I do for a living, I now frequently refer to myself as a recovering lawyer. Where the profession fit with my DD proclivities is hard to say. For most of my life I've taken on leadership roles while never really liking them, and the law was the same. I always wanted an egalitarian team with a minimum of hierarchy, but it never seemed to work that way. Too many people, including highly qualified and capable professionals, ultimately want to be led. And, while I didn't like feeling I needed to be dominant with my own team, I was very comfortable being dominant with opposing counsel. But, it definitely was a stressful way to live, and I had no doubt that the need to be in control all the time in that environment contributed to the need to let go of control at home. There's no way of knowing, but I suspect lawyers are over-represented among men who are into DD and FLR.
I hope you and your wife grow into more of the relationship you want once you get the additional privacy.
Hi Mike,
DeleteIt sounds like discipline and submission is a deep need for you but you mention your wife says she isn’t dominant. If you are open to sharing, how does she feel about incorporating DD into your relationship? Does she feel any fulfillment with her role in the dynamic or enjoy holding you accountable?
At first she was very turned off by the idea of DD. I think she is still not fond of it but warming to it slowly (knowing that I really need it on a deep level). I think the biggest issue for her was the fact that I have hidden this need of mine for so many years from her. But it seems she is slowly grows into her dominance. She is scolding my quite a bit more if she is upset and also seems to enjoy the benefits of chastity which improved our sex lifes a lot. Actually on monday she threatened me with the cane (she din´t follow through but still) so I have hope that we will get there eventually. I just need to give her the time she needs. As my wife is as vanilla as it gets, seeing her changing makes me wonder if there might be a dominant woman within a lot of women who just don't realize it. Mike
DeleteDan, I made a post last night which has since disappeared. Assuming that you are going to restore it, I just want to make a qualification to that post before people read it. In it I compared my “craving” for spanking to a drug addiction. That was an exaggeration. A drug addict needs to get a fix every day. My spanking “addiction” isn’t like that. I can go for long periods of time being pretty normal. Then something triggers me and suddenly I have an intense craving. For example, recently I was in a bad mood and I was complaining to my wife in a way that was, I must confess, kind of childish. She got fed up and ordered me to pull down my pants right there on the spot in the kitchen. I did so and she gave me several smacks on the bum with her hand. Then she told me to pull up my pants. That was it! I felt deeply ashamed that I had behaved childishly and had been spanked, not like a big strong man, but like a six year old boy. That was the end of the story for my wife, but I was left with a craving for more. I wanted to beg my wife to take me over her knee and spank me hard until I cried to atone for all my inadequacies. But I felt too ashamed to tell her that, so I went into a period of prolonged, climbing-the-wall craving that I could only deal with by retreating into a femdom fantasy world. Incidentally, when I talk about being addicted to spanking porn, I don’t mean hard core porn. I hate spanking videos because they limit my imagination. I mean the kinds of images that Dan posts here. Tasteful images. They’re not really “porn”, but I use the word porn because for me they function as porn, feeding an erotic craving. And I must confess, I get off on reading posts about the way other guys get punished by their wives. Just want to make those points clear.
ReplyDeleteDoug
"I wanted to beg my wife to take me over her knee and spank me hard until I cried to atone for all my inadequacies. But I felt too ashamed to tell her that . . ." I get that dynamic, though it's hard for me articulate how exactly it works. Often my wife is aware of the behavior that I feel a craving to be held accountable for, so I'm not sure why there is additional embarrassment/shame in asking her to take a tough(er) line on it. Yet, there is. There is something about having to verbally own up to my own failings, and doing so in a context that probably will lead to a spanking, that I have a very hard time bringing myself to do, and it definitely has more to do with the emotions involved in asking for it than the prospect of actually getting it.
DeleteI don't hate all spanking videos, but there aren't many that do very much for me. Those that do tend to focus more on the recipients' facial expressions. In both videos and spanking art, facial expressions showing real fear, anxiety, and struggle to take the pain bring out a very strong reaction in me. Unfortunately, those kind of genuine expressions seem to be almost exclusively in F/m pictures and art.
My results
ReplyDeleteHow prevalent was spanking in the community/communities you grew up in? (very prevalent/moderately prevalent/not prevalent at all)
Very - 14
How open were parents and kids in your community about spankings, including talking openly about the subject and/or spanking in public? (very open/moderately open/it was known but kept mostly/it was not discussed or performed in public at all)
Very open -8
How frequently were you subject to corporal punishment at home? (frequently/a few times but not regularly/not at all)
Frequently -10
If you were subject to corporal punishment at home, who was the primary disciplinarian? (mother/father/both mother and father equally)
Both - 7
Were you subject to corporal punishment at school? (yes/no)
No – 12
Were you spanked by relatives or third parties outside your home or school? (yes/no)
No – 17
At what age did you develop an interest in spanking or being spanked? (pre-teen/teen/20s/30s/40s or older)
Pre-teen - 11
At what age did you develop an interest in Domestic Discipline or DWC-style spankings? (pre-teen/teen/20s/30s/40s or older)
20s - 4
ReplyDeleteI think I’ve seen references in a number of comments implying that the spankee writing tends to be in a dominant position in the rest of his life. I don’t feel that there are outliers. I think that for many of us who may tend to be in control in most areas of our lives, it is liberating to be able to switch off and let someone else take control in some circumstances. I suspect that most of us on this blog - and most men in an F/m DD relationship - are probably alphas in other areas of their lives. I used to observe the same thing in my pre-DD days dabbling in the BDSM world. TG
I had that same suspicion when I started the blog. Yet, when I polled whether people were more inclined toward being leaders or followers outside their DD relationships, it was a pretty even split between leaders and followers.
DeleteI don’t consider myself to be either a follower or a leader. I have always had a streak of anti authoritarianism outside of my marriage, but I have never had a desire to be a leader myself. Why become the thing I tend to rebel against? I had a pretty successful career on the middle rungs, but didn’t have the drive or focus to climb to the top of the ladder. I don’t believe in the alpha/beta distinction, but I suppose gender traditionalists would say that my submissive relationship with my wife, together with my disinterest in leadership in my career, makes me a beta male. That doesn’t bother me too much. Well, maybe it bothers me a bit when I get in a depressed mood.
DeleteDoug
One reason I used "leader" and "follower" is I really hate the "beta" label. I don't think either label is really helpful, but "beta" has taken on a lot of political baggage. But, I do talk about "alphas" here, because it's become such common shorthand for some of these concepts.
DeleteI am definitely obsessed, I check a number of sites daily and they are all spanking or DD related in some way. We have struggled to make a FLR or DD dynamic work, but if I'm spanked I definitely prefer that it is disciplinary in nature (even if its negotiated or suggested by me). I don't think that I'd describe as a fetish in that I can live without but it is very often in is my thoughts. Definitely, if I fantasize about anything, it will be punishment... Also, if its been a while it becomes more front of mine.
ReplyDelete"[I]f I'm spanked I definitely prefer that it is disciplinary in nature . . . " Without the disciplinary aspect, spanking has little appeal to me. Regardless of how I might describe the intensity of my interest in DD, the interest itself is really about discipline/punishment/accountability and not spanking per se.
DeleteDan, I have been to a professional disciplinarian a couple of times. On one level you could say it wasn’t “real” discipline because I was paying her and the pretext was contrived. But she sure made it feel like real discipline while it was happening! Do you think it’s real discipline if it feels real?
DeleteDoug
Certainly. I can see how a pro could function as a real disciplinarian.
DeleteI don't see my interest in spanking as a fetish at all. It is just a part of me and always has been. I do believe that there is a much, much wider interest in the topic (albeit often repressed) across certainly Western populations (and probably other cultures). My interest has developed and been fine tuned over the years but I cannot remember a time when any mention of 'spanking' did not create a frisson within me, even pre puberty. It existed as an 'adjacent to my main sex drive' interest from puberty onwards. I never really thought seriously about exploring it in reality. Discovering that it could be included in my long term adult relationship and that it could and would be linked to behaviour improvements was an extended light bulb moment for me. Prior to that spanking was an unfocussed but strong interest which although I am not ashamed about I felt uncomfortable discussing or sharing with anybody else. I feel no shame or guilt because spanking - thoughts, reading, viewing - does something to me that I have no control over. I feel lucky in many ways because it is 'fun', my wife can use it to help manage the less attractive sides of me and I could have been afflicted with other, less socially acceptable erotic 'interests.
ReplyDeleteIt is erotic for me at it's root to the point that I almost don't understand why everybody doesn't find something erotic about spanking. And being able to link that erotic, intimacy to my long term relationship in a way that helps with my personal development is a gift. Prior to that light bulb moment, spanking was purely erotic, a masturbation fantasy. Post the light bulb moment it is now part of something much bigger, like a catalyst for improvement, greater intimacy and improved communication.
Could I live without it? Of course and I have said as much to my wife. But we both see the many positives and so we will probably continue to keep it as an aspect of our marriage . As I often say to her, I enjoy the fantasy and the post spanking emotional and physical 'glow', but when it is happening I want nothing more than for it (and her) to stop. There is that very fine balance between wanting it and wanting to avoid it that is so delicious ... TB
"And being able to link that erotic, intimacy to my long term relationship in a way that helps with my personal development is a gift." I suspect many feel this way, even if the specific mix of intimacy, eroticism and personal development vary.
DeleteTB, I resonated with your post and the way you describe your dd relationship. It seems we have similar experiences when it comes to spanking and dd. I too have always felt some sort of excitement or something unexplainable for spanking as long as I can remember. And it has also existed adjacent to my main sex drive since puberty. I firmly believe that a dd relationship is a beautiful gift that both parties can give to each other while simultaneously increasing intimacy, communication, behavior etc
DeleteMiss E.,
DeleteI can't disagree with your thoughts!
L.
I would say while in my mid twenties to mid thirties it was more an obsession. I think the DWC fueled that obsession for quite sometime. My needs were not the same as my ex’s at the time. It wasn’t till I met my current wife, that I became more open about my desires that fueled DD. I would describe myself as having a fetish, but don’t necessarily like the word itself. I do not like it when my wife is thrashing the hell out of me; while scolding me like I was a ten year old. I like most here, am completely turned on after the fact about my wife putting me in my place. I think most of the “spanking porn” has become comical. When I do watch a few, no one seems to make good authentic FLR videos. Without getting into what I do for a living like Dan and Mike, I also have a high pressure job and a leader at work. It’s not hard to figure out. I won’t acknowledge since I’m not retired and won’t be for sometime. I will say for Dan, that it is an obsession in a way for you. If it was not, you wouldn’t be running this blog for so long. Without putting words in your mouth, I think it would be hard for you to quit DD. The blog has enabled you in a way to carry on that relationship even when, at times, you seemed to be lacking “motivation.” I give you credit; because it takes a lot to stay motivated to anything. I could live without it and my wife and I lag in and out of DD at times. I get upset when she doesn’t hold me accountable at times, but I have to remember that we are also grown adults living real world lives. I can’t expect her to feel the same way as I do, because her brain isn’t wired like “ours”.
ReplyDeleteI love the picture of the women saying you need a spanking to get you back on track. It’s what my wife more or less told me the other day after my attitude problem. I think if something happened to my wife and I, I would be torn between finding someone who was a strict disciplinarian or lead a totally vanilla lifestyle moving forward. I applaud those who took the advice from a counselor or therapist. I think that is something I could have benefited from in my twenties.
DeleteT
Yeah, I'm not wild about the word "fetish" either, and technically a fetish is something that applies to a physical object. But, obviously the popular use is broader.
DeleteIt's hard for me to categorize it as an obsession for me, as that's a very strong word. I see it almost like a very strong interest that has become a habit. It terms of the level of interest and how long I've been doing it regularly, things like weightlifting, motorcycles and skiing probably tick as many boxes. There are times the blog feels like more of a habit or an obligation than a reflection of my current level of commitment to DD.
There sometimes is an element of using DD to just get me back on track. It's not something Anne usually brings up, but its something I do feel from time to time.
DeleteIf something happened to my wife and I, I have no doubt I would want DD in any future relationship. But, it certainly wouldn't be something I would be insisting on at the outset, since I think the odds of meeting someone who was already into it would be very small. But, that doesn't mean I wouldn't be able to convince someone new to give it a try.
In my case, DD is a fun and exciting interlude once every other month or every third month, not anything I would want 7 days per week and 24 hours per day. It's exciting to totally give up control in a safe way and to have to accept whatever punishment the spanker is inclined to dole out. I think there is a natural human desire for variety in life, so people who feel themselves in control most of the time enjoy giving up that control. Likewise, it is possible that dominants are people who didn't feel in control when they were young and therefore desire its opposite, namely being in control. As I've written before on this website, my wife used to spank me but ended up getting totally turned off by it and agreed to allow me to visit professional dommes. The domme I see is an incredibly kind, caring and empathetic person, leading me to wonder how she ever ended up as a domme. We had a discussion and in response to my question she said that yes, when she was young she felt out of control a lot of the time.
ReplyDeleteFor me, dd and spanking has always been a ‘need’. That being said, if my husband ever did not want to continue our dynamic, I would not pressure him or leave but it would be a major sacrifice for me. Since I was young I knew I had an intense fascination/obsession with spanking and discipline in general. Then when I learned that it could be a component in adult relationships I knew that it was one of the top three prerequisites for me to have a happy marriage. My husband and I met through an online dating site where my profile was honest about what I was looking for. So though he knew from the beginning who I was, I initially downplayed the importance of a dd dynamic so as to not have him feel pressured into something he wasnt fully comfortable with yet. I introduced him to the lifestyle slowly though he did receive his first spanking before we even officially started dating. Obviously over time he came to know its importance to me and how big a part of me it is, and thankfully, he too values and appreciates our dynamic.
ReplyDeletePersonally, dd adds a component of intimacy to our relationship that is on the same level as sex for me. It often feels like a hunger that vibrates under my skin, an itch that never quite goes away, and is only fulfilled and quieted when my husband submits to me and accepts his discipline. I completely understand the heroin analogy you used earlier Doug. As someone who used to be an avid smoker and has now been sober almost two years, the itch and hunger I feel for spanking/dd dynamics have always been far more intense than even the worst nicotine cravings. Spanking him and the post discipline glow and connection is the only thing that quells that thirst and offers a sense of peace, generally lasting a few days. It feels as if everything quiets and a certain sense of balance is restored for me personally. I feed off of his vulnerability and submission. The gift of holding him accountable and putting him in his place. Spanking for me, though it is erotic, is simply my favorite tool of discipline - the way he gives himself physically, struggles to maintain position and handle the pain, lets me comfort him afterwards. I’ve noticed that the deeper amount of vulnerability he shows directly correlates to the amount of ‘hunger’ that is quelled and how deep the connection feels. DD is like a beautiful and intimate dance that allows both parties to flourish in their own ways.
Miss E summarizes very well how important DD and spanking can be in a relationship. It is the same for us as well. I certainly have never been more vunerable and honest in any other relationship. Before DD, I was always anti authoritarian, and just did what I wanted, regardless of how my behavior affected others. Now, it makes me continually grateful to be held accountable, and I freely admit I am better off because of it, even though I might not want it at the time. As Dan pointed out, that is the paradoxical nature of DD. When we got together, my partner witnessed me getting a hard paddling by a pro, so she knew I had a desire for it. It felt like a big risk, but fortunately, she was a bit intrigued. Neither of us knew anything about DD, but this blog helped us to understand how it worked. It has helped make us very close, and neither of us have ever had such good sex and intimacy. The desire for F/M spanking has been with me most of my life. What a joy to discover that spanking is just the icing on the cake, but her having the authority and demonstrating it is the actual cake.
DeleteHi Miss E. My wiring is so different from what you describe, but it's great to hear the perspective of someone who shares an intensely strong desire for this kind of lifestyle but from the opposite end of the paddle. It's also great that you knew what you wanted and were open about it from the beginning. I have to imagine the pressure of being a "top" and asking for this kind of relationship is even greater than being a "bottom" and asking for it, since there is the added responsibility of directing someone else's behavior in ways they may not always like and also inflicting significant levels of pain and punishment. I've never wanted that kind of responsibility and, in fact, I'm wired to be pretty averse to it. But, like I said, while I'm wired very differently, thanks for helping me understand better how it works for you.
DeleteWOW!
DeleteThat is my initial reaction to both Miss E’s eloquent description of the effects of DD, releasing intimacy, vulnerability, and loving, caring feelings, and Norton's exemplification of those effects in his relationship. Using similar language, I have referred to DD as the “dance of discipline” and it is that and more.
DD really is a gift. I didn’t always feel that way, but I do now more each day. It unlocks a part of me and a part of her that otherwise is probably impossible to experience. My former GF said something once I still remember: Alan, you are a different person after I have spanked you -and I like tha person very much.”
Alan
Miss E, it seems my wife's story is slightly similar to yours. Spankings were given in her family, both to her and to her three brothers. Infrequent and not abusive, but she saw them and received some herself. Like some women who have brothers, she believed that in some respects men never really grow up. She was the one who introduced spanking in our marriage. She readily admits that it is erotic and that she enjoys the authority and the spanking itself.
DeleteAlan, I definitely noticed the positive effect on J. almost immediately after that first spanking on our wedding night!
DeleteMiss E., good on you for pursuing what you wanted like that!
Norton, your comment reminds me exactly why F/M DD Spanking is so underrated!
L.
Miss E,
DeleteI often fantasize that my wife could be like you, having a need (or strong desire) to mete out discipline that matches my need to be disciplined. But, alas, spanking me isn’t a sexual thing for her. When she spanks me, it is business like. She orders me to take down my pants, she spanks me, she makes me promise not to misbehave anymore, then she tells me to pull up my pants. That’s it. Sometimes she will seize on the post spanking power dynamic to give me some chore to do. My fantasy is to be spanked till I cry like a child then comforted in her arms the way you describe. I have a question for you. When my wife and I embarked on FLR/DD, I thought we should have a safe word. She said that was silly because if spanking is supposed to be real discipline, and not an erotic game, it would be foolish for me to have a word to stop it when I choose. As it has worked out, there has been no need for a safe word because there is no risk of her getting carried away by the erotic thrill of hurting me. So my question is, since you get erotic pleasure from spanking your husband, do you need a safe word to make sure you don’t get carried away in the heat of the moment?
Doug
Miss E, I just went back and reread your answers to the poll two weeks ago. I see that you had a strong interest in spanking by the age of 5. That’s like me. I think that those of us who develop an interest that early are likely to have a lifelong need because it is touches some innate aspect of our personality. It’s curious that you were drawn to be the spanker, whereas I am a spankee. That’s a reversal of gender expectations. I wonder if that is because you witnessed male friends being spanked but your own spankings were done in private? In my case, my spankings were sometimes witnessed by my sisters, but I never saw them get spanked because my parents seemed to believe that spanking was only appropriate for boys. Also, although I knew that girls were sometimes spanked, it was more common for boys to be spanked publicly. For example, I only ever saw boys spanked at school, never girls. In the poll you said you were never spanked at school, but you probably witnessed boys being spanked, right? I wonder whether being the one who sees versus the one who is seen influences the direction one’s spanking interest takes: spanker versus spankee.
DeleteDoug
Dan, I definitely understand how you feel. I think because I was the one who initiated as well as being the one who is the disciplinarian, I always felt overly cautious about making sure my husband genuinely wanted this too. Because this need is such an innate part of me I feel a strong sense of vulnerability within our dynamic punishing him as well, but obviously it probably would appear to others or to my husband that his position as the disciplined partner was the one taking on all the ‘pain’ and vulnerability.
DeleteAlan, I like what your girlfriend told you, very much can relate.
Doug, my husband and I do have a safe word but mainly because of a different background. Normally I would agree more in line with your wife regarding there not being a need for real discipline but my husband had an abusive childhood. In part, I suspect that the physical abuse he endured from his mom is partially why he appreciates when I love or care for him in a more maternal way. He was also raised in a household that was highly unstable, so our dynamic offers that sense of structure and security. His safeword is there for him if ever the punishment becomes too much mentally or starts triggering flashbacks etc
Because of his history I generally cant fully let go and get carried away mentally when I am punishing him. I try to stay present and probably end up over analyzing his physical reactions. The erotic side for me usually hits after the spanking when I think back on it.
To answer your last question Doug, I think that is an interesting theory but to be honest I never witnessed anyone in real life receive a spanking, and mine were all done in private as well.
Thanks for your responses, Miss E. I totally get why you would have a safe word with your husband, given his background. If my wife was a harsher disciplinarian, I would perhaps need a safe word too. I have always been reluctant to say I was abused as a child, but my therapist has led me to acknowledge that the way my father punished me with his belt was abuse. My wife usually punishes me with a hairbrush or a paddle. I don’t feel threatened by those implements because they feel “maternal” to me. However, she also has a strap, which I fear. She only uses the strap when she is especially angry with me because she knows I hate it. That comes close to being “triggering” for me because it reminds me of my father’s belt. She thinks I fear the strap because it really hurts. It does. That’s part of it. But she doesn’t know about my associations with my father’s belt. I have never told her about that, maybe because I am afraid that pathologizing my kink might make her more reluctant to discipline me. Your husband is lucky that he has been able to share that with you.
DeleteI find it interesting that you developed a fascination with spanking by age five, like me, even though spankings were private in your community. I have always figured that my precocious kink was conditioned by being spanked in front of girls and seeing other boys spanked in front of girls. How did your interest in spanking manifest at that early age? Did you just imagine what it would be like to give a spanking? Did you ever play spanking games with other kids?
Doug
Im sorry to hear about your dad, I understand how that can play a role in your dd and with certain implements.
DeleteTo be honest, Im not sure how exactly I first realized spanking made me feel a certain way. All I know is that hearing about my male friends being spanked made me feel a sort of excitement. And though I never played spanking games with other kids or witnessed a spanking, I would look for representations of it in movies or shows.
Miss E.
DeleteI think you’re definitely an anomaly here. I haven’t met any female who seems they would initiate a DD relationship. I agree that like most of the guys here, I wish my wife would be a bit stricter with me. It’s also amazing that you found a husband that bought into DD. My wife and I do not have a safe word for punishment. It’s usually a thrashing till she tires or sees the condition of my bottom and thinks its enough. I prefer to trust her and not have one. I would not want the punishment to end until she felt I was justly punished. I cringe at the sight of a paddle because they used it on us religiously in school. So I get the PTSD part from an implement. I must say that there has to be quite a lot more women like you. I think you see a lot more disciplinarian adds than before.
My wife did introduce DD into our marriage, and it is my impression from seeing various internet sites that there are other women who do this. What about the famous Aunt Kay? From what I have read it would astonish me if she had to be coaxed into giving spankings.
DeleteI don't think she needed to be coaxed much but, no, the spanking/DD relationship was initiated by her husband.
DeleteI've read some of the DWC stuff and I would not want to go over Aunt Kay's lap.
DeleteI think that, whether a DD relationship is F/M or M/F in orientation, it is usually the bottom who asks for it. As embarrassed as I was to tell my wife I wanted her to discipline me, I think it would have been much more difficult to tell my wife that I wanted her to submit to DD from me.
DeleteDoug
“To be honest, Im not sure how exactly I first realized spanking made me feel a certain way. All I know is that hearing about my male friends being spanked made me feel a sort of excitement. And though I never played spanking games with other kids or witnessed a spanking, I would look for representations of it in movies or shows.”
DeleteMiss E., I have a buddy whose spanko origin story is similar to yours. He tells me he developed his interest in spanking at a very young age, but he was and is fascinated by m/f rather than f/m spanking. His family belonged to a conservative church which believed in the proverb, “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” It was no secret that lots of kids got spanked, but spankings were done in private, as in your community. My friend had no sisters, only brothers, and they were spanked by their parents. Whenever he or one of his brothers got spanked, he was excited by the idea that girls he knew got spanked too, and he would try to imagine it. That was the beginning of a lifelong interest for him.
Doug
It was a complicated picture with J. and me. Being in the armed forces, J. sometimes spent time away from home. From what he said, it appears he found it hard to contain his urges while away: from what I heard, he threw himself into his work and was prone to quarrelling!
ReplyDeleteWhen he returned home after time away, we would typically put the children to bed early and we would alternate between spanking and making love for a few hours. After this, we would generally settle into a routine of doing this for an hour upwards per night. It became evident when he was frustrated by delays when evening plans sidetracked things!
There was a time shortly after we got married when we made love for the first time (following a spanking) and then shortly after did so again, but forgetting the spanking first. It was painful for me because he was a big man! After that, he insisted that we make it a rule to spank him every time before making love. We happily kept this up until the end, so I suppose it was an extremely strong desire!
However, shortly after J.'s death shortly before the end of last year, I gave birth to our fifth child (and have therefore had a lot to do) and I haven't had "withdrawal symptoms" like one might have thought. This isn't to say that I don't look back fondly on the times when he was leaning against a wall wearing his armed forces uniform with the back pulled down while I spanked him, or when I spanked him while he was lying face down on the bed, or when he was on top of me afterwards while thrusting away and smiling, or when I would grab his freshly-spanked buttocks and see him struggle to keep up his smile! I have good memories of those times, but I haven't been yearning uncontrollably or anything. He would no doubt have been different though, since his interest and desire for spanking were a big struggle to control!
L.
L,
DeleteFirstly I’m so sorry to hear about your husband passing. And so recently. I read your response to Norton’s comment below and Im glad it was a peaceful death. I pray you and your family are doing ok. Also, congratulations on the new baby. I think you bring up an interesting point regarding whether or not children should learn about this dynamic if their parents practice. Im actually due this week and while I dont think my husband and I will ever openly share, I am curious as to if it will just naturally come out
Very sorry for your loss. It has to be especially tough to rear five children on your own. God bless you and your family.
DeleteAnonymous,
DeleteThanks for your words. If I'm honest, regarding children, it hasn't made a huge difference yet, as his daily involvement in their lives was low, his job in the armed forces being one reason. But in any case, I look back on the time with him fondly.
L.
L, thanks for sharing with us about the loss of your husband. Being a single mom with 5 kids sounds like an incredibly challenging life. It isn’t surprising you haven’t had “withdrawal symptoms”, as you haven’t had the time or space to grieve. Please keep us posted on your journey. Hopefully you will find another guy who appreciates a woman with your enthusiasm for spanking. The world needs more strong women like you.
ReplyDeleteDan, I posted yesterday and it appeared to be published but wasn’t , is there a reason?
ReplyDeleteNope. I didn't delete anything you posted, and there's nothing in spam. Are you sure you actually posted it?
DeleteRegarding 70 is the new 50. Thought I might share the perspective of a woman in her mid 70s in a DD marriage for more than 50 years. While we still have intimacy and we still have both maintenance snd punishment strappings, it is somewhat more difficult to muster the energy. The bruising and welts take longer to heal., I have never found the punishments erotic . I continue this practice because since i saw profound changes in his behavior after my mom took a strap to him . In our house with so many kids my mom maintained order with swift spankings that were always most memorable. The girls usually got the hairbrush or wooden spoon bare otk, the boys were made to cut a switch or were given the razor strop. I hated this and was very careful to follow the rules, Having seen my brothers punished left a real impression. We never are intimate after a punishment .
ReplyDeleteBruising and welts? Do a lot of men here get bruised? I get fairly painful spankings but have only gotten a small bruise a couple of times when my wife went on too long with the hairbrush. Welts yes, but they're gone pretty soon.
DeleteYes, I definitely get bruising from the cane... particularly where multiple strokes overlap.
DeleteAh, my wife does not use a cane, or a paddle. It's hairbrush, strap, wooden ruler, and her hand. She does not want to bruise.
DeleteI've no experience with hairbrushes, but we do have a strap (but not a really heavy one) - our strap doesn't bruise either. Been a while since I was paddled and not sure if that bruised. Heavy one likely would. I'm sure that Dan's bath brush would!!!
Deletebtw, do any wives use a switch? It's a lot of trouble to prepare one so that it doesn't leave cuts. I've had it a couple of times and it really stings.
DeleteTom, my wife has never used a switch. As you say, it would be a lot of trouble to prepare, but that makes the ritual of having to cut a switch kind of exciting, I find.
DeleteThat is certainly true. The ritual of a punishment is important in that a certain dread builds up, and preparing a switch takes time. It also underlies the wife's authority in that you have to wait patiently while she does this. The few times I've been switched I have been fascinated by the ritual.
DeleteHassle of Cutting Fresh Switches?
DeleteMy wife has a 3/16" diameter Lexan(R) ("polycarbonate") rod that is just as flexible as a real switch, but quite a bit denser. If used with a "whipping motion" it perfectly mimics a severe switch. (You can get Lexan in almost any color, so long as its clear, amber or black!)
Tom, switches weren’t a part of the culture where I grew up. But from stories I have read, I always thought the ritual involved the person who is to be punished having to go out to cut the switch.
DeleteDonn, that Lexan “rod” you describe sounds to me like a high tech cane more than a switch.
Doug
Donn,
DeleteCan you compare the Lexan rod you alluded to a DWC style cane?
Alan
Yes, the usual practice seems to be that the culprit will cut his own switch. And perhaps sometime I will have to do that. But on those few occasions I mentioned, my dear wife has done this herself.
DeleteTom, I imagine that your wife putting the time and effort into preparing a switch to use on your backside would have the effect of heightening the anticipation of the punishment to come. I have always hoped that my wife would become interested enough in DD that she would acquire some spanking implements on her own initiative. In my mind, that would signal that she is really into DD. But, alas, she has never done that. All of her implements have been acquired by me. She does, however, make the disciplinary process her own by deciding which implement suits her purpose or mood on any given occasion, and she feels no obligation to use every implement I have acquired. She favours a wooden paddle, a hairbrush, and a leather strap. On the other hand, she has never used the riding crop or French-style flogger (martinet) I got for her. I have no idea why she favours some implements and avoids others. But if she took the initiative to cut and prepare a switch, or ordered me to do so, that would really get my attention!
Delete(I would be curious to know whether most of the husbands here get spanked with implements they have acquired themselves as opposed to implements their wives have collected on their own).
Doug
Alan:
DeleteThe 3/16" Lexan rod my wife sometimes uses is simply too flexible to be used as a cane.
Regarding the "synthetic canes" that Aunt Kay and the DWC website used to sell, I have no personal experience with any of them; never held one in my hands.
However, from Aunt Kay's descriptions, and "user reports" in the various "Real People's" (RP) accounts, it seems like both the OTKane and the Hollerin' Hollow were both of "stiff character," while the "Buggy Whip" and "Silent Night" (sold very early on; not displayed in any archived pages) were much more "whip-like." There are several RP accounts of wives using "Silent Night" in a whip/switch-like manner.
NB: Something important that I left out of my previous post re the "Lexan (rod} Switch:" It is VERY important that the tip of the working end be "rounded off" with fine sand-paper. If not, that sharp-angle edge of hard Lexan will DEFINITELY CUT - NOT what anyone wants!
Doug:
DeleteI have personally manufactured / crafted all of my wife's implements, except one: Her Ebony Hairbrush.
Unfortunately (you arrived after some of my previous accounts), my wife has some serious problems with her right-wrist. She has never been able to apply enough speed and force with that ebony hairbrush. I eventually crafted her an ebony "hairbrush paddle," but 3/4" thick (vs. original 5/16"). Now THAT hairbrush paddle has enough mass and energy to really get my attention, especially when she intentionally uses it for "edge strikes" that penetrate deep!
My wife already had a suitable hairbrush and a solid wooden ruler. She briefly used my own belt doubled over but was not satisfied with it, and got a short substantial strap that can be used while I'm over her knee.
DeleteYes Doug, being present while she prepared the switch was a memorable experience. And she fully enjoyed my discomfort.
"Is DD something you would like to have, but it’s okay if you don’t get it? Or is it a really strong desire? Or not just a desire, but a need? A craving?"
ReplyDeleteThis is both an easy and a difficult question to answer. Can I live without DD? Of course, I did before! Was I at peace about it? Never...
For me, the level of "interest" or "want" or "need" varies quite a lot based on how specific the question is. Spanking is a specific activity, which fits quite well into DD, which in turn is a quite specific subset of exercised female authority (which can also manifest in different degrees of FLR).
Spanking - I am somewhat of a spanking fetishist, in that I am totally triggered by any mention of it, or even anything that can be construed to have to do with it. I also am turned on by images - especially captions - depicting or talking about spanking. Videos are fine, but not really my thing. I think I prefer being able to imagine more. I do however like videos and pictures that capture facial expressions showing the distress and pain. Having said all that, I could largely take or leave spanking. In time, I would probably crave spankings if I never got them, and all the other "authority" things really need at least credible threat of spanking to seem real enough, but overall, once I actually started getting hard spankings, I want them a lot less.
DD - We don't really have a "rules-based" DD, since we have no formal rules, and my wife seldom if ever spanks me for disobedience, per se. Rather, she spanks me for failing to achieve goals (in our check-ins) or sometimes for attitude or things like that. Do I need DD? Not necessarily (again, I did live without it for a long time), but I am much better with it. Like others here, the framework DD offers (real discipline for real offenses) is necessary for me for spanking to be anything other than just a kinky game.
Exercised female authority - This one is much bigger for me, at least on the craving side. I think this is probably the basis of everything for me, and DD in general and spanking specifically are mostly just manifestations of my desire for exercised female authority. This is the one that is probably a fetish for me. However, I don't necessarily crave a FLR, at least not much of one, probably because while this is all a turn-on for me, I simply don't do well at not getting my own way!
For all this, I am ecstatic that I found someone in my wife who can share this big part of how I am wired. The fact that we share it, and that she has really latched onto it and made it somewhat her own just make our relationship so much better. Knowing that, and knowing how I am wired, is it a dealbreaker not to have it? If my wife didn't want to do it, then no it is not a dealbreaker. I love her a lot more than I love DD, FLR, spanking, or anything like that, and while this is such a powerful and strong part of our relationship, it is just that: PART of our relationship. If on the other hand I were single, I would not intentionally fall for someone who didn't fulfill this side of me, but who knows? This is not exactly first date discussion material (to say the least!) so maybe I could accidently fell in love before finding out it was a no-go for her.
-ZM
Also, the question being about DD
Not unexpectedly, I could just cut and paste most of your answers and adopt them as my own. :-)
DeleteI would probably rank spanking, DD, and female authority very similarly to yours. But, it's harder for me to separate DD and authority.When I first found the DWC, I gravitated very strongly to the accountability aspects. And, I still do. But, as time has gone by, I've come to realize that the need to live under someone else's direction in certain areas actually underlies the desire for accountability and boundaries. Being held accountable has many practical, utilitarian benefits for both me as an individual and for the relationship. But, when it comes to imposing boundaries and holding me accountable, the "imposing" and "holding" seem to be just as important--maybe more so--than the boundaries themselves.