Sunday, July 11, 2021

The Club - Meeting 378 - Age, Maturity and DD

“Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.” - Tom Stoppard

 

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline relationships. I hope you all had a great week.

 

I’ll start out with a bit of apology. I know I haven’t been engaged with the blog very much over the last few weeks.  I wish I had an excuse, but I really don’t.  After we got back from our vacation, I just kind of lost interest in all things Domestic Discipline.   

 

 

 

In addition to the (pleasant) distractions of travel and being busy with the typical summer stuff, I think my DD interest got caught up in a hormonal downdraft that affected my libido in general and my spanking interest in particular.  This has happened before, and I think I now have a better understanding of the likely cause.  Several months ago, I got a bad cholesterol test – bad to the point that I needed to get it under control or go on statins.  Fortunately, I was pretty sure I could get it under control because it was the not-so-surprising result of some dietary changes I had made late last year.  I had added a lot of eggs and red meat into my diet in order to try to add back some muscle as I was recovering from a surgery last year that, along with the underlying physical problem, had caused me to lose a lot of muscle mass.  So, after several months of that probably unhealthy but undeniably delicious cholesterol fest, I reluctantly got rid of eggs and bacon and cut back on read meat.  After eliminating eggs and breakfast meats, I kind of drifted into intermittent fasting, skipping breakfast most days and not eating anything until lunch.  It worked like a charm.  My cholesterol plummeted, and my bodyfat dropped pretty substantially.  But, after a few months, I found I just wasn’t feeling great.  Low energy. No libido.  The same thing happened when I tried intermittent fasting for weight loss a few years ago.  I’ve now educated myself a little more on dietary fat and now understand that while cholesterol and saturated fat get bad raps, they are absolutely necessary for testosterone production and cellular repair.  I suspect that I eliminated way too much fat and cholesterol and it played havoc with my hormones, particularly testosterone, which in turn led to a plummeting libido.  So, I’ve added beef and eggs back into my diet, and I’m a much happier camper.

 

Thanks to those of you who kept the discussion going a bit while I was being lazy.  Regarding the discussion about Belle, I think Alan best summed up my thoughts: “[I]f the frauds are the price we pay for real discussions by real women – it is a price worth paying.”  While I’m obviously not happy with “Belle’s” behavior, I think any cure I could come up with would likely be worse than the disease.  Danielle voiced concern that all “women” commenters would now be subject to suspicion, and I definitely won’t be going in that direction.  As I said a couple of weeks ago, “Belle” wasn’t the first imposter and won’t be the last. 

 

On a point more related to this week's topic, Danielle noted: “Most of the pictures Dan posts show women who are 30 or even 40 years younger than me. If some of the men here have associated me with images like that, I have been guilty of not minding.”  Honestly, it hasn’t been a conscious choice on my part. There just aren’t all that many pictures/drawings out there of older spankers (or spankees).  But here a few I’ve acquired over the years:

 



 

I truly find some of these more attractive and stimulating than posed air-brushed models.  Though, I’ve always been open about the fact that as far back as high school, I’ve had a thing for assertive older women. 

 

In addition to the aesthetic appeal of older spankers, it may (or may not) be that they are more true to how DD works in real life.  Several of our commenters postulated that interest in “genuine” Domestic Discipline seems to be correlated with attaining some minimum level of age-based maturity.  Here are excerpts from a smattering of those comments:

 

Alan: Most if not all of us actually in a DD have learned that a woman usually requires some maturity (say early to mid-40’s and up) as well as a long term committed relationship –before she becomes seriously invested in DD. Since the long running Belle narrative has now been moved from the serious non-fiction section to the frivolous fantasy fiction section, the generation question remains open.

 

Danielle: Like Alan, I found Belle's purported age interesting. Alan's point about most women being unwilling to consider DD until they reach a certain age was certainly true for me.

 

Al: I once saw a quote somewhere that said that "kinky' women were subs in their 20's, switches in their 30's, and dominants in their 40's. And we actually had a "kinky" friend for whom this exact scenario played out. And it is interesting that the dominant phase correlates with our observations as to when most women tend to be willing to become disciplinary wives.

 

ZM: I know that for me (in my late 40's at the time) it was much easier to share what I really wanted than it would have been when I was a young groom many, many years ago. Also, I was able to introduce it early in the relationship, which I think was probably much easier than springing it on someone that you have been with for many years. Finally, for young married couples, there are just so many things going on in life and so many things that cause momentary disruptions (and shifts of perceived power) that maybe would interfere with things? Anyway, just my thoughts.

 

So, is it true that Domestic Discipline usually doesn’t kick off—or at least doesn’t get serious—for most couples until they are in their forties or later?  Was it indeed a tip-off that Belle was supposedly relatively young yet seemed to take to DD like a duck to water?  My instincts tell me that those who voiced that such opinions are right, yet my own experience doesn’t really seem to verify it.  I don’t remember exactly when we started DD, and I’m kind of a reverse-savant where dates are concerned, but I think my wife was about 32 when we started and I was about 37. (Yes, it is the case that while I've always had a thing for older women, I married a younger one.) Similarly, two women (one a “top” and one a “bottom”) who I’ve gotten to know through the blog both seem to have been in their early 30s when they got started.   While Alan was on board with the idea that interest in DD usually starts later in life, he also noted that the woman who introduced him to DD was only in her mid-thirties.  I believe ZM also has noted that his wife was relatively young when they started.

 

So, at the risk of asking people to restate or expand on a topic they introduced last week, does real adult discipline usually start in the 40s and 50s?  If so, do you think the recipient’s interest usually starts earlier but they just don’t get up the courage to ask for it until they hit middle-age?  In that vein, both Alan and ZM observed that it is much easier to introduce DD early in a relationship than to spring it on someone you have been with for several years.  All I can say about that one is that for me it wasn’t an option, as I simply didn’t have that interest in my 20s and early 30s and had no concept that adult corporal punishment was even “a thing.”  What has your own experience been with age/maturity and interest in DD?  At what age were you when you gave/received your first disciplinary spanking or entered into a real DD relationship?  How old was your significant other? For the ladies, how old were you when you became not just a participant in a DD relationship, but an enthusiastic one (to the extent that's true)?

 

I hope you all have a good week.

37 comments:

  1. I did introduce husband to Domestic Discipline early on, when he was still boyfriend. I stumbled on a lot of it or got there by accident.

    I'm 13 years older than husband. He was 24 and I was 37 when we started dating. I'm now 43 and he just turned 30. Husband had no interest in it, he agreed to it only for me. I didn't even know I was interested in it until I started dating him.

    Oh, and after I turned 40, if you don't think I made sure to let people know I had a husband who wasn't even 30, well..................

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    1. I doubt your alone in bragging about younger "boy toys"

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  2. For my wife, middle-age (we're both in our mid-50's) has given her greater self-confidence with regard to DD. She spanks with authority, and she doesn't worry about whether she's paddling too hard. In fact, I tell her that she swings her paddle like a lady principal!

    For me, I marvel at how much the tables have turned. I think about how disrespectful I was to her in the bedroom for the first 25 years of our marriage. Thus, she now gets what she deserves (wifely authority and plenty of "Yes, Ma'ams") , and I definitely get what I deserve as a spanked and obedient husband. I didn't see it as a young man, but now I know that we do much better with my wife being in charge of our intimate life. She hasn't gotten on her knees in 11 years, but I'm on my knees, and bent over the end of our bed, every week!

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    1. Hi GeorgiaFella. There definitely are a lot of things I see differently in middle-age than I did when we were first married.

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  3. Early 50s for us both (and married 20 years). I'd read about it online (well, here, and elsewhere) and it felt like something I needed and we could both benefit from.

    We'd already been practicing some orgasm control and female-led relationship ideas, so it wasn't a total shock to her. And as a 'take charge' women, she did get comfortable pretty quickly!

    There's a line in 'A Husband's Essay' on Aunt Kay's site that certainly caught my imagination. "Typically, it takes only a few strict sessions for the wife to become secure in her power and authority to settle disagreements with the hairbrush, strap or cane. For the husband, it takes only one good session to demonstrate the difference between play acting and real spanking."

    That was true for us! But I think it takes time for both his and her perspectives to 'mature' to a point where it's even a possibility. It does seem to be a natural progression for a lot of couples.

    CrimsonKing

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    1. Hi CK. I too have always liked that particularly entry on the DWC site.

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    2. That essay was excellent. Thank you for mentioning it as it was new to me.

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  4. I love that shirt in the first pic !

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  5. Hi Dan,
    My wife wasn't all that young. She was 39 when I told her, and that was as soon as we started going out.

    I had told my former wife about my wishes, also from very early on, but in fact I basically just had a spanking fetish since I was a teenager, and a fascination with it since I was a child. While I brought up spanking quite a few times with her, it was really always coming at it from the fantasy side of things. It really wasn't until much later, when I was at least in my mid to upper 30's that I really thought much about real spanking for real infractions. And even then, I think I thought about it mostly as a way to try to get her to spank me, so it was all about the spanking and none about the behavior or any FLR or power dynamic. She probably saw right through that, plus by that point our relationship was far from great, so it wouldn't have been the right time for anything anyway. And then I basically gave up on ever getting what I so wanted, and eventually the marriage ended for reasons completely unrelated.

    As I started dating my current wife, I told her very early, like in the first several weeks we were going out. I just thought it was better to have it out in the open. I wasn't sure how she would take it, but I wanted her to know - even if it is not anything we ever pursued - just because it is part of me. I would have been ok with her wanting nothing to do with it; it would have been very disappointing, but I was and am totally in love with her, and that comes with no conditions. I was just beyond happy when she not only was willing to explore this with me, but in fact has become quite into it herself. Of course, she wouldn't be doing it if I didn't ultimately want it, but still it has transitioned from my thing to our thing, as many things tend to do in a great marriage or relationship.

    It was only as we began exploring this that I realized that all my life I basically misunderstood my own fantasy and deep longings. While I do find spanking interesting, it is a lot less so than I thought. For me it is really all about authority, accountability, control, and things like that. And it has to be real punishment for real infractions for it to mean anything. So I am probably still a spanko, but a lot less of one than I thought.

    I still do some fantasy roleplay with my wife, because she likes it and I do get turned on by her being so excited by it. And also, I do submit to "just because" spankings (hard play spankings) when my wife wants, because again this is part of the give and take that needs to be in a relationship. But it is so ironic to me that with my first wife I was willing to do anything to try to get her to spank me, and now I realize that I don't really want spankings that much, but rather want the authority and control that surround the whole thing.


    Anyway, I am not sure how much of a role age played in this for me, but I do know that I didn't even know what I wanted for most of my life.

    -ZM

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    1. Hi ZM. I definitely had that wrong about your wife's age. Sorry about that.

      "While I do find spanking interesting, it is a lot less so than I thought. For me it is really all about authority, accountability, control, and things like that. . . . I realize that I don't really want spankings that much, but rather want the authority and control that surround the whole thing. . . . I am not sure how much of a role age played in this for me, but I do know that I didn't even know what I wanted for most of my life." This all really resonates with me. Also, while I've come to know myself a little better with age, I still don't quite get why I seem to want the authority and control in this one context (my marriage) but reject it so vehemently in others. I do suspect that it has been in there for a long time and in other contexts. I said in this post and have said before, I had a thing for older women back in high school, developing crushes on certain teachers. As I grew older, I still had a thing for older women, but they tended to be women who exuded authority and confidence. Yet, on the job I have always balked at any attempt at managing or controlling me, and I've resented some female superiors as much as the men. I think some of it may come down to genuineness. I am attracted to powerful women whose power is based in who they are, not on the position they happen to hold. Same with the men, though while I can point to certain women who probably could have gotten away with bossing me at work, I can't say the same for many men. Though, I wonder if I would have the same attraction to authority in a man that I have had with some women, i.e. would I get off on the authority and control or at least capitulate to it if there had ever been a boss who was really dominant and who I also respected.

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    2. Hi Dan,
      Maybe you were remembering that my wife is about exactly 10 years younger than me?

      I am always amazed at how similar we are on so many things. Everything you wrote about authority could be me writing, in particular how I crave this imposed authority, but very actively resist against every other form of authority, in particular in the workplace.

      Now that I think about it, I did kind of have a crush on some older women when I was younger. Though I think they were generally in their upper 20's or low to mid 30's and I was like 15 or 16, so while they might have been older than me, they certainly weren't old!

      -ZM

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    3. Yeah, it definitely is remarkable how similarly your wiring and mine seems to be.

      I had a major crush on my friend's mother. She was a school teacher. I also had a crush on another teacher at my high school. Both were at least late 30s and probably were older than that.

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    4. ZM wrote: “I realize that I don't really want spankings that much, but rather want the authority and control that surround the whole thing.” It does seem sometimes that spanking is almost a “prop” with the underlying need being female imposed discipline and accountability as part of a very intimate and vulnerable relationship. A woman using her authority to discipline and correct is what rings the bell. But however much I may want and need loving female authority, I also want and need it backed up with real and tangible consequences - and spanking fits that role perfectly for me. If spanking or credible threats of it were taken away, the whole female led dynamic would be weakened considerably for me. So is spanking the sine qua non of DD or FLR? For me it probably is.
      Alan

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    5. Hi Alan,
      Somehow I didn't see your comment before, so hopefully you will see this.

      "A woman using her authority to discipline and correct is what rings the bell. But however much I may want and need loving female authority, I also want and need it backed up with real and tangible consequences - and spanking fits that role perfectly for me. If spanking or credible threats of it were taken away, the whole female led dynamic would be weakened considerably for me." - Yes, this pretty much exactly how I feel about the interplay between spanking and the underlying authority. The authority is never more real than when she exercises it by either spanking me or threatens to spank me. I am the same way that if spanking was absent from the relationship, the whole power dynamic would be weakened probably to the point of being non-existent. So, in the end it is really all about authority, but it is spanking or other imposed punishments that really makes that authority manifest.

      -ZM

      -ZM

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  6. For me, a story related here prior. My last childhood spanking was from my Aunt at age 16. Nothing after that until in my late 40's, my marriage (vanilla) began to dissolve and while looking for a 'not cheating' outlet, I discovered the world of adult corporal discipline. I got hooked early, but my wife was totally disinterested, even though I mentioned it may be a method to save our marriage. Nothing doing, we eventually divorced. After another marriage to a NYC pro Domme, the concept of a FLR with DD household became my everyday life. Not lasting over 8 years, brings us to my current situation. I met a recent widow who was in a very male led marriage. Long story short, I am 10 years her senior, but told her of my desire for a FLR with DD household. She was aware of the concept as her family were BDSM toymakers, but she had never participated due to her former husband. She agree to try it and took to the dominant role very quickly and effectively. She was in her early 50's and had no problem assuming the role of leadership. We have now be together nearly 12 years, all female-led and DD.

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    1. Seems to fit al's theory that women in their 40s or 50s may switch from one dynamic to the other, becoming more open to being dominant as they get older.

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  7. I don't know the statistics, if any even exist, but over the years I've run across many adult discipline relationships where the partners were young - twenties and thirties. I have no impression that it's a thing more for older people. My fascination with it started at a young age, and that appears to be common. Some, like me, take years to really accept the desires as viable. Maturity leads to understanding and confidence, but also exposure to like-minded individuals and the ideas, which is a relatively new advantage for people seeking unconventional or less common types of relationships. With adult discipline, all things being equal, I've always been attracted to the image of an older woman, and that's relative. When I was a teenager, a woman in her twenties could be the perfect model of a disciplinarian. Now, someone that age doesn't fit the image for me.

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    1. "Maturity leads to understanding and confidence, but also exposure to like-minded individuals and the ideas, which is a relatively new advantage for people seeking unconventional or less common types of relationships." I am confident that interest in DD exploded with the advent of the internet. In my own experience, without the internet, I wouldn't have known there was such a thing as adult corporal punishment.

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    2. Hi Brett,
      I don't necessarily think that DD is a thing just for older people, but I do think it is much more prevalent in more mature people, for many reasons, a few of which I include here:
      - It often (not always) takes time for him to realize what he really wants. While I, like you, was fascinated by spanking from a young age. However, it was not really until the past few years that I have realized exactly what I wanted, and I am still learning in fact.
      - It also takes time for her to realize that all her thoughts of him changing just aren't going to happen. Also, it takes time to really be bothered by bad behaviors. When you first meet someone, they can do no wrong. But once you live with them for a few years...
      - Her self confidence. Generally self confidence develops over a longer period of time. Most younger women I know would lack the confidence to effectively discipline her partner/husband, I think.
      - His self confidence. Most younger guys are still going all out to impress all women (even their wives, hahaha). It takes a lot of confidence to say that you want something that might cause you to be perceived as weak, damaged, or immature.
      - There is a sexual element to all this. But many young married couples are so full of hormones that they can't get enough "regular" sex, let alone pursue any alternative sexuality.

      Actually, I can think of a lot of reasons. That is not to say that there are not younger people who are into this, but logically there must be a lot less. Why? Because I have never known anyone who completely lost their interest in any of this. It seems that once you "discover" this part of you, whether at 5 or 50, it is just sort of with you forever. So, since people become interested in it at different ages and since it doesn't ever seem to go away, there must be more older people into it.

      -ZM

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    3. Dan: "I am confident that interest in DD exploded with the advent of the internet. In my own experience, without the internet, I wouldn't have known there was such a thing as adult corporal punishment."

      Though I was fascinated by this from an early age, my interests have been largely expanded by the internet. I think we're capable of evolving, and it's just a matter of being exposed to things.

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    4. Hi ZM. What you say makes good sense, and probably explains many DD relationships. All I have is the impression I've gotten from people talking online about this. In my own case, I was ready to go with DD in my twenties, but it's not something my wife has ever been interested in. It was never a matter of her becoming more confident or her realizing she needs some way of controlling my behavior, or from the other perspective, me controlling hers. Maybe if I'd pressured her over the years she'd have given in, but I didn't want it to work that way.

      Many, if not most, of the DD-type relationships I've seen online, no one needed urging or education to get into it. Both partners wanted it from the beginning because it's who they are, and this was a significant factor in them getting together. For many, it's a part of their sexuality for which there was never an alternative. I think younger people these days typically know what's possible. Things are much more out in the open and with less stigma attached. In the last few decades, if a person needs this kind of discipline, they have far easier ways of finding it, far more support, and without so much guilt or shame. For my generation, it makes sense that, even after accepting the desire in oneself, finding such unconventional relationships often took far longer than in post-internet days, and that many spouses had to be talked into and adapt to something they were not prepared for going in.

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    5. Hi Brett,
      "Many, if not most, of the DD-type relationships I've seen online, no one needed urging or education to get into it. Both partners wanted it from the beginning because it's who they are, and this was a significant factor in them getting together. For many, it's a part of their sexuality for which there was never an alternative." - This could be true, though I think that most of what you described here is much more true for people who are more on the BDSM end of the spectrum. From conversations (mostly here, but also elsewhere), it seems that in the majority of cases it is the partner that wants/needs discipline that introduces this to their partner. And their partner, who often knows all about BDSM play, has little to no idea that people actually use spanking for real domestic discipline.

      What you are describing, where both partners feel this need, one to dominate and the other to submit, could certainly include DD of course, but also might be even more true for BDSM relationships. While DD can work in many different scenarios, for me the "sweet spot" is when the one doing the punishing is turned on by it, but ultimately views it as a useful tool and is getting something out of it other than just the turn-on. And in the perfect scenario, the one being punished is very much turned on by the whole power exchange aspect of this, but doesn't actually enjoy being spanked at all at the time it happens.

      But different strokes for different folks!

      -ZM

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    6. ZM, I had the same reaction. Based on comments here and on other DD websites and blogs, it seems to me that "both partners wanting it from the beginning"is the exception, not the rule, by a lot. IMO, there usually is a big disparity in the parties' initial interest and knowledge about DD. It seems to almost (though not always) involve a male who has decided he wants to try DD, and a wife who has never heard of it, or has never considered it as a relationship option. The non-initiating party almost always seems to need some education and perhaps even some mild prodding.

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  8. I was going to just watch this thread since this would be a repeat for me. But here is our story...

    Spanking or dicipline has been a part of my psyc since...well birth or about there from what I can tell. Literally, it was in brain reading stories at 5 and 6. I can recall a Steffi Graf and Mary Jo Fernandez fantasy from the Australian open championship when I was 8....enough about that.

    I told my wife when we were engaged. I just leveled with her on a drive back from the beach one night. She said "ok". Neither one of us knew what we meant.
    Fast forward to here early thirties and my mid-30s. We struggled to make anything work and she was adamantly opposed. I had to come out and say "that wont work". Over the next 5 or 6 years to now we made it work and now there are 3 to 5 spankings a month and most are DD related.

    As far as maturity it was part me being mature and understanding what I needed and her being mature enough to work with it. So maturity played a part.

    But also part of it was also realizing for her that people can be complex, it is not all or nothing, not everything is intertwined, and the male brain is more compartmentalized than the female. I can go from company executive to submitting husband in about 10 minutes...for most women that brain shift is harder. I see no incongruity since they are "separate" parts of life.

    Part might also be that age when we give up being the models and molds or our upbringing and acknowledge some level of "social deviance" is ok. I think this is easier generally for men versus women. Those of us men who are over 35 today still were taught some level of individualism while women were generally taught compliance to the norms. This is where we might see the younger generation (below 35 today) speak of this process in different terms than most of use. We might have a slight observational and generational bias on this blog to the norms of our childhood which are different than today.

    Just some ramblings. I am speaking generally, I know there are individual exceptions.

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  9. "As far as maturity it was part me being mature and understanding what I needed and her being mature enough to work with it. So maturity played a part." That makes total sense to me.

    I suspect you are right that men compartmentalize the various parts of their lives to a greater extent, but I don't really know for sure. I have definitely known women who were very regimented at keeping work and family in very separate little boxes.

    "We might have a slight observational and generational bias on this blog to the norms of our childhood which are different than today." Good point.

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  10. Danielle here:

    Wayne and I got married in our mid 20’s.

    Wayne first asked me to spank him when we were in our early 40’s. I refused because I was distressed to find out he had a kinky side after almost 20 years of marriage. Kink scared me, and my intuition told me that spanking was just the tip of a kinky iceberg for my husband. My intuition was right, but I now feel foolish for having been frightened, and I regret my initial rejection of FLR.

    We were close to 50 when I agreed to give FLR and DD a try in an effort to save my marriage. I discovered that my husband’s kinks weren’t so scary and that FLR offered real advantages to me.

    The decade of our 50’s was the sexiest period of our marriage. I enjoyed the perks of power. My husband revealed that he also had cuckold fantasies. As a result, I ended up having a couple of affairs with other men over that period. That was fun for everyone involved. It made me feel sexy, and feeling sexy made me feel more dominant towards my husband. He liked that.

    We are now in our mid 60’s. Our sex life has cooled due to age and health issues, but Wayne still gets turned on when I dominate and discipline him. I like having the power to affect him that way at our age. A DD milestone we hit only as senior citizens was my spanking Wayne in front of a witness (my friend Barb). Maybe my desire to do that was due to a sense that stronger erotic stimuli are needed as libido drops off. I wish I had known what I know now when Wayne first opened up about his spanking kink in our early 40’s. How exciting it would have been to do the things we have done in our 50’s and 60’s when we were younger! I envy young people who become sexually liberated when they are in their physical prime.

    Dan, I appreciate your effort to be age inclusive by posting some pictures of older women, but I imagine most of the guys here would rather look at young women. That’s okay. To be honest, I appreciate the physical beauty of young people too, and I enjoy seeing the bodies of athletic young men as much as my husband enjoys looking at young women. In that picture of the “mature” naked woman holding the strap, she looks vulnerable for someone who is about to dish out discipline. I would probably feel vulnerable too if I was posing naked for a photograph, even though Wayne says I am still hot. Personally, I would rather dress up than get naked to give a spanking. To me it feels more empowering to be fully clothed when I spank Wayne. It has more impact on him that way too. That’s partly because of the innate power imbalance of remaining clothed when my husband is bared for punishment. But beyond that, I find that dressing to enhance sex appeal can be sexier than nakedness, and I have become more conscious of that with age.

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    1. Hi Danielle. I totally agree that (partially) dressed can be sexier than naked. I find I often get way more turned on by a picture of a woman in something sheer and filmy, or with a very skimpy item of clothing covering one or two parts, than of one totally nude.

      While we started earlier than you and Wayne, I do get what you're saying about lost years of exploring that could have been done. We have not been nearly as adventurous as we might have been. Though, you certainly seem to have made up for your missed years of kink!

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    2. I wonder if it's true that most guys here prefer pictures of young women, at least in the context of FLR/DD. I love the pic of the mature woman holding the strap. I tend to imagine a disciplinarian fully clothed, as that fits a punishment scenario. Yet, her being naked in the photo still appeals to me.

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  11. We started in our 30s and are still in them. We're still stumbling through desires and discussions that seem effortless to many of you.

    Many discipline relationships seem to extend from personal epiphanies and relationship breakthroughs and those don't occur without a lot of experience and thinking. It simply takes...time...to learn about oneself. It seems relatively easy for young people to play at spanking, severely, from communities like FetLife, but that can be done thoughtlessly and there's nothing about easy access to play partners that teach how to enter into a deeply significant, unusual, intentional, long-term arrangement with a loved one.

    In fact it seems harder for young people to have any serious relationship at all today. There is plenty written about spanking's ability to save relationships but not much written about spanking's ability to forge new ones; perhaps that's the next frontier? Imagine the New York Times prescribing guaranteed falling in love by answering Arthur Aron's 36 questions, staring into each other's eyes, and then paddling. Seems promising!

    In the meantime, I expect the middle aged to continue to claim more authentic and meaningful decades of marriage, vanilla and kink-wise. I am looking forward to them.

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    1. Hi MW,
      "It seems relatively easy for young people to play at spanking, severely, from communities like FetLife, but that can be done thoughtlessly and there's nothing about easy access to play partners that teach how to enter into a deeply significant, unusual, intentional, long-term arrangement with a loved one." - Yep, exactly true. What a great time to be young and have a spanking/BDSM fetish. But that doesn't necessarily lead to meaningful relationships, rather just easy access to play.

      "There is plenty written about spanking's ability to save relationships but not much written about spanking's ability to forge new ones." I am not sure about spanking being a factor in starting new relationships; while it is a significant part of my make-up, it is a very small part of life, so I would not choose someone merely because she was into DD. But I absolutely think that DD can help to build sturdy relationships.

      I think that the primary benefits of DD are the ways that it eliminates accumulated guilt, allows "closure" when there are bad feelings, greatly improves communication, and provides unparalleled intimacy, and all that ultimately results in much stronger relationships.

      -ZM

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  12. I think the age of interest in spanking and other power exchange activities has dropped over the last 20 years. We noticed that in our local BDSM organization. In the 90's everyone was well over 30. Then, as the Internet got more "interesting" more younger people showed up.

    It may not be that a certain level of maturity is needed as much as information wasn't available to everyone. I think the Web brings younger people in.

    My wife is 20 years younger than me. I told her of my interests very soon after we me. She was willing to try spanking me. I barely felt her first attempt. Over the years she has become an effective disciplinarian. I'm convinced that age isn't an issue. It's exposure and honesty. In many ways we are our own worst enemies when it comes to introducing our interests to our partners. My wife has been spanking me for discipline over the last eight years. She did it as BDSM play before that. We are both totally in love and feel that DD is a natural part of our lives.

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  13. "I think the age of interest in spanking and other power exchange activities has dropped over the last 20 years. We noticed that in our local BDSM organization. In the 90's everyone was well over 30. Then, as the Internet got more "interesting" more younger people showed up." - I don't have much personal experience, but I suspect you are right.

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  14. I'm 40 and my wife is almost 9 years my senior. We met five years ago and she made it clear from the jump that she would be the one mostly in charge of the relationship and household. One of the reasons for that (Besides the obvious fact that she was just naturally more aggressive and a go-getter while I was more deferential and submissive) was her being older and having more life experience and wisdom about a lot of things. Plus, being way more mature than me which even I admitted to back then. We got married four years ago. Even after everything I'm about to share, I still wouldn't change a thing about that. She is my Queen and I adore her.

    First of all, she doesn't do the financial domination thing because she views it as unfair. She said if I'm working for that money, I should be able to keep it. She does, however, make me pay fines and penalties if I spend/buy too irresponsibly. Especially at a time when money is tight in the house for whatever reason anyway. Most of the household chores are my responsibility as are a pretty large portion of the errands outside the home, also. I have both a reasonable curfew and bedtime every night, and they must be strictly adhered to unless she gives me special permission otherwise. Fortunately, she is pretty flexible in that department. I have to ask permission to drink and hang out with friends between getting off work and curfew. The list goes on and on.

    As far as punishment goes, her spankings are enough to where sitting is uncomfortable for a couple of days after. But nowhere as bad as when she grounds me. That's the one I really dread. At least the spankings are over with quickly and all is pretty much forgiven afterwards. When it comes to her groundings that just drag ob and ob, one of the first things she makes me do is call my friends to cancel any plans I may have had with them previously. She has a zero tolerance policy for me lying in ANY context. As such, she stands there and watches while I make the calls and I have to tell them I'm grounded. Any attempt at phoney excuses and she'll take the phone and tell them herself. Since she also confiscates my phone during such times, she will answer it and still will tell them herself if they call it looking for me.

    She doesn't play, and examples like the one I just mentioned have made for some of the most embarrassing moments of my life so far. Still, I'm all the better a man for it. Before meeting her, my life was going downhill very fast. I'm happy I met an older, wiser woman who loved me enough to set me straight and help me get my life together.

    - Trent

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  15. Sounds blissfully exciting Trent! I envy you, finding a mature Lady a few years your senior is the perfect scenario for a Wife/Husband relationship involving female led domestic discipline!
    - Adam

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    1. It is exciting in some ways and has definitely helped me to better myself. I love her dearly and have never experienced a woman truly loving me back until she came along. Still, imagine yourself as a 40 year adult having to call your friends and tell them you can't come out because you're grounded and by your wife at that. Believe me when I say it can be very challenging and just flat out embarrassing as well. Like with most things, you have to take the good with the bad.

      - Trent

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    2. I understand the embarrassment part... finding yourself bare bottomed over a Lady's lap at 40 must be quite a hard thing to get used to, the groundings do sound worse, at least having her talk to your friends, must be awful having to explain to them later, how She rules and disciplines!
      - Adam

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