"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."
-- Benjamin Franklin
Hi all. Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couple's Club. Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or want to be in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships. I hope you had a great week. Mine was slow. Though, that's stressful in its own way. I'm in one of those careers in which my earning is more or less directly related to my level of busyness, so being slow tends to be a momentary relief but a longer term problem. But, there's not much I can do about it, so I'll just try to enjoy the Fall weather and color, while hoping some big, hairy, audacious project walks in the door soon.
Speaking of enjoying the Fall colors . . .
Have I said how much I like this most naughty of holidays?
Now that I've gotten that out of my system . . .
This weeks "topic," feels more like tying together some loose threads. We didn't get a lot of response to Alan's topic re: using DD to bring about total abstinence from alcohol, or much on the broader topic of using it to break bad habits. The former is on my mind this morning, as I wallow in my all-too-typical Saturday morning fatigue, because I stayed up too late watching a movie and enjoying too many beers along the way. The shame of it is, I had actually been very well behaved all week, surprisingly so given the slowness at work. I worked out hard four days, kept to my diet, meditated every evening, and I even stayed totally dry right through Friday until we went out to dinner. Then, a couple of beers there led to a "nightcap" at home, which led to watching a James Bond movie until midnight. It reinforces the point I made to Alan, that some people just can't seem to do moderation in relation to certain habits.
So, by over-indulging I earned myself a good hard spanking this weekend. But, as I was kicking myself this morning, I got to thinking about how I could have felt a lot better this morning if, instead of letting me indulge myself, my wife had simply ordered me to come up to bed when she went. Admittedly, I would have resented the hell out of it at the time, but it would have helped me have a much more pleasant, productive weekend. And, I would have complied. That's the thing I'm not sure my wife always appreciates -- I am not great at following rules when left to my own devices, even when I know it may earn me a hard spanking, but I am pretty good at following direct orders. So, her getting in full-on "boss" or "maternal" mode is actually much more effective at bringing about real behavior change than is spanking.
It's an interesting reversal on my normal life philosophy of, "It's better to say you're sorry than ask permission." In most areas of my life, I really believe that to be true. But, when it comes to the behaviors that create problems for me at home and that are self-destructive, it actually is better for both of us if she takes the bull by the horns and acts to prevent the behavior from happening, instead of punishing it after-the-fact. I see this "prophylactic" approach as being one of the distinguishing points between "mere" Domestic Discipline versus being in a real "Wife Led Marriage." The former emphasizes punishment on the back end (pun intended), while the latter involves more pervasive control including taking action on the front end to prevent bad things from happening.
Somewhere in between are "preventative" spankings, which were alluded to in some of last week's comments. We've talked about this before, but it's been a couple of years. When it came up last time, it was in response to another comment by Alan. He summed up "preventative" spankings as follows:
"These are spankings
administered before parties or events in which historically my behavior had
earned me a spanking after the fact. Her reasoning was that if she was going to
have to spank me eventually, she would prefer to avoid the behavior and get it
done before rather than afterward. Most preventatives are done several hours
before a party or we get into the car to travel and designed to give me a warm
bottom that reminds me what could happen. With one unforgettable exception this
does work to prevent really bad public behavior."
When we talked about this last time, I had no real experience with this "before the fact" form of discipline, and I wasn't sure whether it was entirely "fair." I still don't have a lot of experience with it. But, she did do it once a few months ago, prior to a group dinner that was exactly the kind of event at which I normally might over-indulge. But, not that time. It worked like a charm. Sitting there on my tender behind kept me continuously aware of the need to moderate my behavior and, for once, I did.
How much does your spouse focus on preventing bad behavior instead of just punishing it? Are preventative spankings part of that? What other techniques does she use? Has it worked to prevent problem behaviors from occurring?
What are the logistical challenges and how have you overcome them?
I hope you have a great week!
Yes this does work. Several times Dev has given a very hard spanking prior to an event or people coming over. It keeps my mouth in check. She showed our friends the spoon she used a few weeks ago. They all laughed and thought it was a joke but we knew it wasn’t. We’re going to Florida soon. She said we will be having a long discussion in the woodshed before we go. She always packs a paddle and carries a brush in her purse now too. I remember a few years ago we were at the resort. She spanked me in front of the window. Anyone could see if they looked in.
ReplyDeleteDid she tell your friends what she does with that spoon?
DeleteYep. Thankfully they thought she was kidding. JR
DeleteMine has hinted a bit around family once or twice, but not friends of hers or mine. Though, we have one common friend who knows about it, and they once called me while driving home together after a game. My wife went on to talk very explicitly about her plans to spank me that night. Very embarrassing, even though I kind of deserved it since I was the one who first told this friend about our lifestyle.
DeleteJR
ReplyDeleteLinda feels (and our entire marriage, always has felt) that spanking is for children, so I am expected to behave without being spanked. When she expresses displeasure with any of my behavior, that makes me feel adequately punished. I have (finally) learned to be a better husband by taking care of her: as Betty Friedan said, "Sometimes the sexiest thing a man can do is the dishes." Linda does not need a servant, she has me.
ReplyDelete"An exhaustive study of police records shows that no woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes." - Earl Wilson (1907-1987), US newspaper columnist
DeleteFor me there were always several factors in play that resulted in not only modifying my behavior, but also changing me. She had subtle ways of "putting me on notice" when we were in public. There were little signals she would give me that while unnoticeable to others were like a flashing red light to me.
ReplyDeleteThose signals were a warning that I was heading toward the zone of no return. But it was not just fear of paying later that led to me getting back in line, so to speak.
Sometimes it told me that I had gotten out of hand and was embarrassing not only her, but myself as well. Since I don't particularly want to be a jerk just to amuse myself, that awareness boiled down to good training and I accepted and usually appreciated the coaching.
Secondly, but not really in second place, I knew I was making her unhappy. Hopefully my devotion to her isn't nauseating you by now; but it wasn't fear or submission, it was total love and my commitment to make her happy in every way I could. And she reciprocated with the exact same tireless devotion and effort.
And if circumstances overrode those two higher-level motivations, and I saw the flash in her eyes, I had to be pretty far along to keep doing what ever it was. And on those occasions she was particularly thorough when we got home and that intensity went deep into me
And yes, the rare pre-event spanking never failed to achieve it's purpose.
Hi Tomy. Care to share what those signals were? I think it's always great to pass along concrete examples, which the couples on the blog can think about incorporating if helpful.
DeleteYour comments lead me to reiterate discussions we've had the last couple of weeks about "bitchiness." Giving you those little "signals" that you were reaching a "point of no return," were an act of kindness and helpfulness, which you obviously appreciated. I continue to believe the concern over being viewed as bitchy is probably the #1 factor holding disciplinary wives back from really taking control, yet it's something their husbands want and appreciate, and it may very well save them from something more drastic like a "particularly thorough" spanking.
Her standard signal was to make a gesture like she was writing a hash mark on her palm. It meant "That's one."
ReplyDeleteThree strikes and I was cooked.
Very direct!
DeleteIndeed. But also innocuous.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteRosa has used preventive spankings in the past. They do work and there is a kind of fun aspect to them even if their intent is genuine. At least that has been true for us. They also provide fodder for teasing innuendo afterwards. It's actually interesting that the can be so effective while being far less "serious".
ReplyDeleteThat makes sense to me. I can see how a casual demeanor makes the whole thing seem natural and uncontrived
DeleteSo most behavior is about impulse control. Addiction and bad habits have some overlap in the brain. Recent studies show when certain areas of the brain get strained by resisting bad behavior, they become more prone to the behavior. These same studies show sleep, solid calories, and focus on what is important reinvigorate this part of the brain...why is this important?
ReplyDeleteWhen you stay up late...your ability to resist goes down. You get up early and don't have breakfast...behavior is worse. Likewise focusing improves behavior. A preventative spanking does this, it focuses you and with a shot of adrenaline. Makes even biological sense.
If works for us and used as needed.
Yeah, I have tried to use those studies about "willpower fatigue" to justify my bad behavior, but so far without a very sympathetic response. ;-)
ReplyDeleteBut, in all seriousness, your point about why a preventative spanking works makes perfect sense.
The purpose of the studies are to help you tame your impulse control not excuse it. (Eye roll emoji). This is why I have a bedtime when I travel and a wake up time so I have time to have breakfast....it does help. If I don't and screw up the punishment is worse...simple. my wife knows the same studies and is on board with stopping slippery slopes. All in how bad you really want to change.
ReplyDeleteTravel definitely does sap my willpower, though it's a complicated set of inputs. I'm sure fatigue is part of it, and most of my trips begin with absurdly early flights, so I'm depleted before I even get to the airport. Then, there is the socializing with business contacts, which is often the whole point of the trip and, thus, impossible to avoid. And, it's boring sitting in the hotel room alone, so I end up working on my laptop in the hotel bar just to be around people. And, I'm a bad sleeper under the best of circumstances, and hotel rooms rarely qualify as "best of circumstances" . . .
DeleteHi Dan,
ReplyDeleteWe have never done preventative spankings specifically, though we have done what I would consider maintenance spankings as part of weekly check-ins (back when we had those going regularly). The difference in my mind is that maintenance spankings are much more general in nature, i.e. not tied to a specific event or occasion.
Having said that, I enjoy reading about other people's experiences, and certainly imagine that preventative spankings could work, or at least would make me more mindful.
-ZM
Hi ZM. I agree -- maintenance spankings seem more general and more about enforcing one's place in the hierarchy.
DeleteDan
ReplyDeleteGo belt in hand to her and ask for it . Try it!
anna
Dan
DeleteI concur. Right before your next trip just ask her. We do the night before. We even briefly discuss biggest potential issues and she makes sure to state those during. However, she choses her own weapon...if I came with somthing I could pretty much guarantee that it would not be used...but everything else might.
Anna says "Go belt in hand to her and ask for it . Try it!"
DeleteSounds so simple eh? Well we now can guess how Anna would respond anyway.
Tomy pretty much sums it up. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Or, is it the other way around? In any event, I often have all sorts of plans to fess up, report, proactively ask . . . yet it remains a weak point. Though, in some ways it is an increasingly moot point as long as I update this blog honestly and openly, as my wife now reads it weekly. In the past, my on-line confessions had few consequences. Not so anymore.
DeleteI agree also. Asking for it beforehand will show your wife that you've come a long way. She might have already been thinking about spanking you before going out to some event where you have misbehaved in the past, but this adds a new level of communication to the DD relationship. Your wife will be impressed that you are prepared to propose and accept a serious spanking so as to avoid even more unpleasant outcomes later in the evening.
DeleteLet me clarify one point. If I have given the impression that I found asking for a spanking is easy, that's opposite reality. Even when I needed it, it was rare that I would come out and say so. I might as well have had a sock stuck in my mouth becuase I couldn't get the words out.
DeleteAnd she knew that very well. In fact, there were times when I felt bad about something and we both knew I deserved a good session and she would just wait and act like nothing was wrong - knowing how much I was stewing inside. So my punishment included all that inner turmoil before the outer turmoil.
I definitely took that as what you meant.
DeleteN. (my late wife) occasionally made a point of administering an "advance" spanking when she had reason to suspect I might misbehave when we were to take part in a "social" occasion I was reluctant to attend (and J. has followed her example) - but, most times when I have "misbehaved" in such cases, the outcome is a stern whipping or caning she delivers when we get home...
ReplyDeleteL.
My acting up is actually more likely to happen at events that I am NOT reluctant to attend, as those are the ones populated with people I like and want to hang out with, and who are as prone to excess as I am. But, the events I do not want to attend probably should get me spanked either before or after, since I usually am pretty honest about the surly mood they put me in.
DeleteHi Dan
ReplyDeleteGreat comments this week. Failure to self-report is my weakness too and consistently overcoming it would probably revolutionize my relationship and probably that of many other guys. My experience has been that women in disciplinary relationships are very positive about their men coming to them and asking to be spanked along with confessing their offense. My former girlfriend who introduced me to adult discipline encouraged it often and although I don't remember her suggesting as Anna did that I present a paddle or strap along with my confession I am sure she would have liked that even more. My wife similarly has chided me for not self-reporting and when we have got into discussions about her consistency (not so much lately) she often put the onus on me for not bringing the problem more directly to her attention. At the same time I acknowledge all this I have to say that men who need discipline in their intimate relationship do also need and respond to female assertiveness. When my wife orders me to the bedroom in a confident “I will not be disobeyed “way, I am putty in her hands. And find submitting to her and accepting punishment a natural reaction. But sentencing myself (with self-reporting) for the same behavior is not natural and certainly not easy. Maybe Anna has a secret formula she uses to help Peter overcome this. If so I hope she will share it.
Alan
That is the big trade-off, right? Self-reporting certainly makes it easier on them, and probably ensures that more offenses get properly addressed. Yet, part of what the disciplined male needs is giving up control. Self-reporting and even more so bringing her the instrument kind of chip away at the principle that he is giving up control and she is taking it up. And, my wife kind of used to see me taking that kind of initiative as undermining her authority. But, I don't think she sees it that way, and to some extent I find that bringing her the tool of my own ass destruction and asking her to use it on me serves some of the same need that I used to associate purely with her taking the reins.
DeleteI remember a experience published on the DWC from a women who used a system I never heard of before but sounds like sort of an intermediate system. He worked at home and she outside with a daily arrival back home fairly consistent. As I remember it she punished him with a clothes brush and his responsibility was to leave it downstairs on a table near the entrance where she would see it if he had misbehaved during the day or been disobedient. She then would question him and deal with it appropriately carefully trying to avoid any over-reporting from him. That is not too different from Anna's suggestion but avoids the direct confrontation while still self reporting. I wonder if others ever use this system as it seems ideal for situations where a wife spends considerable time out of the house while the husband remains at home.
DeleteAlan
Dan mentioned back somewhere on this thread that his wife reads this Blog. So without a doubt she knows what goes on in his head as well as what he's been up to.
DeleteMy speculation is that she operates much like the way Aunt Kay did. Meaning she is fully aware of when he's feeling needy or deserving discipline. And she does or doesn't attend to it as suits her moods. And that her awareness of his frustration is simply another example of how women are just so much better at managing relationships. It's like a cat playing with a trapped mouse. But I could be entirely misjudging the whole situation. I don't personally know either party.
Alan,
DeleteI know what you mean about recalling certain stories from the DWC archives. There were hundreds on the site and there are one or two that still stick in my mind as well.
P.S. This is my deleted comment from below with spelling errors corrected.
They were well selected and illustrated the varieties of experience folks had in the life style and that was before F/M relationships became quite so trendy ( the latter in no small part due to the efforts you and Kay made) . I also remember the guest book as a source of inspiration as well as practical ideas
DeleteAlan
The guestbook was definitely a good resource. You may, or may not, recall that I tried to emulate it here for awhile, but it became troll bait. Every day I was confronted with a half-dozen troll messages and nothing with any substance. I actually tried turning it back on a few weeks ago, and the same thing happened. It's too bad, because in an ideal world there would be a less structured way for people to come on and say "hi" and leave any real DD thoughts. This is one reason I detest Sean and the other trolls so much. They really are an impediment to deploying tools that would be good for everyone, but along come the fucking morons and screw it up . . .
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteOne might pout and complain but that its unfair that we haven't done anything yet. But the proof of the preventative spanking is that the bad behaviour doesn't happen And there is no convincing Her that you would have behaved anyway. Femsup
ReplyDelete