Saturday, April 26, 2014

Forum Question of the Week #42: Disciplinary Wives Born or Made?

Good morning all.  Welcome back.  It seemed like a long week.

We had a flurry of activity from or about the Disciplinary Women in our relationships.  It was great to get some participation from the "giving" end of the DD relationships.  Many of the comments discussed how or why the disciplinary relationship came into being, and the range of responses was really interesting.

Some learned about domestic discipline from a friend or co-worker, and decided to explore it.


Some are second generation disciplinary wives who grew up in a disciplinary home and learned it from their mother.



Or from overhearing or seeing a spanking being given.



Some began with the man asking for or suggesting it, while a surprising number were initiated by the women.

At the risk of stating the obvious, regardless of how each DD relationship began, they all involve a  woman either initiating or at least acquiescing to taking on the dominant, disciplinary role.  So, my question is, are disciplinary and otherwise dominant women made or born?  Do they tend to have naturally dominant personalities, or do they learn to take control over time, possibly using a "fake it 'til you make it"  strategy of acting dominant until it increasingly becomes their real nature?  Is there an underlying interest in spanking or dominance, or do they have some epiphany that leads them to want to give it a try?  Also, does disciplining their husbands lead to changes in their day to day life, such as becoming more assertive at work or more confident in social situations?

I know the "answer" is, of course, all the above.  But, tell us your thoughts and let us know the answers as they apply to your or your relationships.  And, as always, take a moment to put something in the Guestbook if you haven't in the past or just have something new to say.

Also, I've added a couple of stories to the User Stories section (see tab above).  Drop by and give them a read, and think about adding something of your own.  If it's a short story, just put it in a comment to the story at the top of the User Stories page.  If it's longer, send me an email and I'll post it.  Have a great week.

Dan


25 comments:

  1. Rosa needed only a slight bit of encouragement. She admits she had the desire to live this way all her life. Our lifestyle, while strange to some, just seems perfectly normal and natural to her. She fully admits that superficially such an arrangement might not seem 'fair', but she feels such arbitrary fairness is far less important than what works and is appropriate for both halves of the couple. As such she has no problem admitting that she'd never submit to what she expects me to submit to.....but that's because it is right for me to be in my role and right for her to be in hers. She has also stated countless times that given her past, and how she is now, she deserves to be in the position she's in.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think that "fairness" hurdle is a hard one for some wives to get over when exploring their dominant side. But, I think there really is a distinction. Many men are more naturally dominant, and if you are to get to a more balanced place in the relationship, the woman has to feel she can exercise control when she needs to -- fair or not. And, let's face it, those of us who want this lifestyle get into in part because we want someone to exercise that control over us, again, fair or not. In fact, part of feeling you really are subject to someone else's control is having to submit to it even when you feel it is not fair or deserved.

      Delete
  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  3. To some degree, we all have a tendency to dominate, some more than others.

    Women, as a whole, are usually discouraged by society from taking up the reigns of control outside of work, school, or sports, especially if men are involved, unless encouraged or permitted to do so. Some women are more naturally dominant than others are; a few will not top a man no matter what. Once a woman has taken up the mantle of leadership in a domestic relationship, however, it may take time and experience to hone her skills.

    So it would appear that both nature and nurture are involved.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Annapurna. Thanks for contributing. I agree about the societal constraints. At least work, school and sports are starting to open up those avenues of control and assertiveness. But, you're right, within relationships most women and men who want an FLR relationship are in uncharted waters. And, it's not just she who needs time and experience. For her, it's about learning to wield power without embarrassment or timidity. For him, it is about learning to surrender and give in. Even though I do think I genuinely want to submit to my wife, on those occasions when she does exert her control by bossing me around, such as telling me to run some errand or something, I do give in but it is surprisingly hard. But, for us, that is kind of the point -- pushing us both out of our comfort zones. Again, thanks for the comment, and I hope you'll come again.

      Dan

      Delete
  4. I believe control is something that is learned either at work, play, home. My wife was not dominate and spanked me because I asked for it. She was afraid of causing injury but at the same time she enjoyed the view she had as she spanked. In time being dominate grew on her now she enjoys the power and knows she can tell by my responses (kicking, wiggling, hollering) when she spanking me that it's having the effect she desires. My cheeks don't stay red long but the soreness, tenderness does sometimes for a few days.
    archedone

    ReplyDelete
  5. My wife is not dominant at all except when it comes to spanking me. Usually I need to even ask for the spanking. However once the decision is made she is in charge and I am getting spanked.
    JGH57

    ReplyDelete
  6. When I first stated dating Mistress I saw no hint of a dominant personality in her. I wanted to date her simply because she seemed like a lovely person and we got on famously. I noticed she had slightly 'bossy' moments but nothing more than that and was willing to forgo my CP to be with this lady.

    However we quickly fell for each other and I felt it important she should know about my CP interests from very early in our relationship. So one night we sat down for a serious chat where I revealed all. She was a little shocked and admitted she had never heard of adults indulging in CP 'games' but to her credit said she was willing to give it a go.

    Having said that she had been to schools where the cane was regularly used - but like me, she had never been caned or spanked at school. She did reveal to me much later in our relationship that she had been a prefect at school - and was strict, even with friends, quite happily reporting pupils if they had broken the school rules.

    What I think I unwittingly unleashed was her true dominant personality. What's more, the closer we become, the more I learned of her family, the more I realised just how dominant her mother also is and he grandmother had been - not in the CP context, but purely in character. And, Mistress' daughter is also exhibits a very dominant air.

    So to answer one of you first questions, in my case, Mistress is clearly a dominant character. It just took me, with a submissive side, to help her find her true self.

    And your second thread - does it change their lives? In Mistress' case I'd say it has 100% changed hers. She'd been in a bad relationship previously where her partner sapped every bit of her confidence. I'd seen her confidence growing gradually after we got together but once she began to discipline me, I noticed her confidence come on in leaps and bounds - not just in our relationship but also in her work and social life. Perhaps that confidence would have returned anyway but I think acting out a dominant role initially helped speed the process.

    However, by no means would I say Mistress acted her dominance until she grew into it. I think the dominance was always there and she suddenly had an opportunity to exploit it!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I entered my relationship with my wife-to-be, knowing darned well she is a Domme, because...that's why we got together in the first place. I am a submissive male who 'enjoys' being spanked, and she is a dominant woman who enjoys spanking male bottoms. So she asked me ...via email...if I would like to be her play partner at an upcoming dungeon party,and I said yes in half a heart beat.
    How she got that way?
    Her life story up to then would be a very interesting book... but at any rate, she was a submissive to other men for a number of years, until one Master told her, "You're no submissive, you are a Dominant, and you should act like one."
    And so...
    She took on a number of submissives in the intervening years, but was in-between them when she contacted me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My guess is there are a lot of people who get confused as to whether they are a dominant or submissive at heart. It's depressingly easy to get locked into a role that doesn't fit.

      Delete
  8. I think all Women have the innate ability and desire to be Dominant and a Disciplinarian. Some Women are lucky enough for circumstances in their life to join them with a husband that has given her the gift of submission.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the contribution. I'm not sure I agree on this one, though. I think there are many women who truly do not want to be dominant and much prefer to be paired with an Alpha Male. I know women who have dumped guys on the premise that they didn't want to be his "mommy" and wanted a "real man." But, I do agree that there are a lot of women who DO have the ability to be dominant, and quite a few that have an innate, if sometimes buried, desire for it. But, just my opinion.

      Delete
  9. Hello Dan!

    It's Susie again. I've done both sides of the slash, by way of the old school training as a submissive and later becoming a Dominant. I always knew I had a sadistic/Dominant side, but I had to follow the protocol that was in place at the time.

    In reference to your reply to sub hub in phx, I'd like to point out that there are Alpha Male submissives. Not all Alpha Males are Dominant, at least not in my experience. My husband is very much an Alpha Male, only he chooses to be submissive to me, which, in turn, makes this Alpha Female very happy.

    My argument is that we (women) all have the potential, but it's not an easy journey, and not everyone wants to make the sacrifices necessary to be in charge

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Susie! Great to hear from you again! I probably didn't phrase that response as precisely as I should have. I agree that most women have the "potential" to be a Dominant. My quibble was around whether they have the "desire." I do think there are many women who don't desire to be dominant, just like there are many men who don't desire to be submissive.

      But, in my case, your point regarding Alpha Males is VERY well-taken and, again, my response probably wasn't as precise as it should have been. Outside our home, I am very much an Alpha Male. That is really why we got into DD. I am far too Alpha in most aspects of my life, but in order to moderate that tendency and bring some balance to my personality, I choose to submit to my wife. She graciously chooses to help beat the Alpha out of me. :-)

      Correspondingly, my wife is really not a natural Dominant, but she has the potential and has, over the last few years of experimenting with DD, realized she does have the Dominant desire. So, please count me among the Alpha Male submissives.

      Thanks again for weighing in. Great to have you in this little group!

      Delete
    2. Susie, one other thing. If you ever have the desire, I'd love to have you as a guest poster on the blog. An open microphone, as it were, unconstrained by whatever topic I happen to throw out there each week. If you'd ever like to write something about the DD lifestyle, your experience in it, or anything else you want to put out there, just let me know and we'll post it as a main topic.

      Delete
    3. Thank you Dan! I have a big project going on at work right now, but once my partner (co-worker) does her part, I'll seriously consider it

      Delete
  10. My wife was the oldest of four kids so she had to take control with both here parents working. As a result, she became a take charge type as an adult. When she became close with a coworker who practiced Domestic Discipline, she was enamored with the relationship dynamic she saw firsthand. She had what it takes so to speak to implement DD into our marriage. Spanking came along later as her confidence in DD grew – I think she held out on the spanking as a “last resort” for discipline. When the spanking started, she wasn’t good at spanking me as she was way too timid in the spanking process. That quickly changed after she complained to her friend that it was not effective on me. The first real (and effective) spanking was a shock to me as she used an oversized wooden paddle and it seemed like it would never end – bringing me to tears. She has admitted that disciplining me has made her more assertive as a teacher as well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Anonymous. Thanks for the post. If I may ask, how did your wife learn that the co-worker was into DD? Did the co-worker just tell your wife about it, or was there something that allowed it to come out naturally during a conversation?

      Delete
  11. l am not sure l am a strictly disciplined husband, but l am certainly a spanked one. From time to time it is discipline but my wife just likes to spank and fortunately l like to be spanked. We do not have a list or sets of rules rather just a common sense approach to the discipline part of it. The most frequent spankings, about once a week, are just because. They are not of a sexual nature, they are because She wishes to spank. The irony is that sometimes they are more severe, but not brutal, than discipline and l cry more often from the regular spankings than from discipline one's. Discipline is usually the cane where as regular spankings are by hand and an assortment of leather implements such as paddles, straps and belts and her new favorite, a flogger which is applied solely to my bottom.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sorry, I am a little late in answering this, I was traveling.

    My wife was a take charge dominate person before I met her in college. When I talked with her friends from college and HS they all talk about how she was so organized and how she would keep all the meeting controlled. When we were dating she mentioned several times that maybe if I have been spanked growing up I would not have done this or that.

    TK

    ReplyDelete
  13. I recall that I introduced the idea of my wife disciplining me fairly early on in our marriage. At first my wife was rather sceptical and concerned that there were some dark stuff in the background that I was yet to reveal but after a while she agreed to try it out and I bought her a traditional school cane. We had a variety of early experiences, some better than others but after a few years she got the hang of it very well. My wife rather enjoys caning me now and has become something of an expert in my view.. Recently as we lay in bed discussing my latest bare bottomed trip over the the dining room chair I asked her to describe how she felt about administering corporal punishment to me. She says that she enjoys the swishing sound of the cane and the crack as it lands on my bare skin. She said that she enjoys placing the stripes and trying to get a good even spread of purple weals. She said that she especially enjoys my reaction to the strokes of the cane and afterwards she enjoys my gratitude and loving and appreciative behaviour.

    Essentially she canes me because she loves me and wants to make me happy. There is also something rather traditional about my wife that probably chimes with the old fashioned ritualistic nature of a good sound well deserved caning that is carried out with loving firmness on the one part and accepted with good grace and gratitude by the other party. I think that there is also something intrinsically enjoyable about ones normally stroppy and bossy partner obeying ones commands without question and agreeing to take his trousers and underpants down and accept bare bottomed discipline. I squeal and gasp and apologise and count the cane strokes out loud and thank her for showing me the error of my ways after each stroke and then there is the sight of my bare bottom all sticking out and wriggling and squirming at her mercy, and if I am really bending right over no doubt my most private parts are on display as I struggle to keep my composure while writhing, bent over and holding on the the chair for all I am worth. If you think about it, what's not to like ?

    ReplyDelete
  14. My wife comes from a very traditional Chinese family where corporal punishment was expected. However she comes off as a very easy going individual herself. Not long after we started dating I confided that I had grown up with a very strict mother who had punished me frequently when she felt it warranted. One day I expressed to my then girlfriend that I felt bad about something and deserved to be beaten. She was reticent at first but she agreed because she felt I did indeed deserve it. This has continued to this day although I would say she is not in need of motivation to beat me when she feels it is warranted and she is certainly not timid about thrashing me severely. So I would have to say she had the sadistic streak in her and came to enjoy punishing me quite mercilessly very easily but has always believe it is deserved.

    ReplyDelete
  15. My wife is great---but has a thing about drinking and other behaviors which she considers 'wild' some of the stuff I do with my male friends---Once in a while when it has gone too far on my part--it ends with me taking a bare paddling--It hurts on my bare butt---all in all---it works fine for the two of us---It is a total secret

    ReplyDelete

This blog is a curated resource for those genuinely and positively interested in DD and FLR lifestyles. Comments that are rude, uncivil, inconsistent with the blog's theme or off-topic may not be posted or may be removed.