Warnings vs. Immediate Spankings (Club Meeting 557)

One thorn of experience is worth a whole wilderness of warning. - James Russell Lowell

 

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Wives Club - Tribute.  Our weekly on-line gathering of women and men who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship of the type advocated by the former Disciplinary Wives Club (archived copy in the Links I Like list below right).

 

I hope you all had a good week.  Mine wasn’t bad.  I went into it with low expectations, after a medical appointment last week left me thinking it might be several weeks before I’m (literally) back on my feet. So, I was very happy when, at a scheduled follow-up this week, I was advised that it will only be two more weeks until the worst of the mobility restrictions are lifted.  And, I got rid of an external brace that was very uncomfortable and making it impossible to sleep effectively. 

 

So, baby steps, again . . . literally.

 

A side effect of some increased mobility may be that my ability to get myself in trouble soon may be returning to post-accident levels.  While my ability to physically take the consequences may not be quite there yet (I also injured my tailbone in the accident, and it still is pretty tender), my interest level has been ramping back up slowly but surely after this long break.

 

And, it has been a long break. Not just from the act of spanking but from the whole dynamic. It’s a shame, because right before things got side-tracked, I felt like we were on the threshold of things going in a new, stricter direction, with Anne taking more and more control.

 

It wasn’t so much that Anne was spanking more often, though there was an uptick. Rather, it seemed like it was on her mind more regularly than it was a few years ago. And, I knew that because she was vocalizing her thoughts more often, and that new verbal expressiveness often took the form of express threats of an impending spanking if I didn’t stop whatever I was doing that was pissing her off.  And, she was plainly feeling less need for validation from me when it came to deciding what was and was not OK behavior and attitude.

 

Even though there wasn’t a huge leap in the number of spankings, it certainly felt like she was becoming stricter. And, in fact, she was, but it was being expressed through increased verbal assertiveness and control.

 

There was an incident that happened shortly before my accident that illustrates where things seemed to be heading.  We were in the kitchen, and I said or did something that annoyed her.  Initially, she didn’t say or do anything about it, and at first it seemed like she was about to get up and walk away. But, then she turned to me, looked me straight in the eye and said something to the effect of, “If you do that again, you’re going to get spanked.  This is your only warning.  Next time, it’s a spanking.  Got it?”

 

Later that night, we talked about her stern warning and the fact that, to me, it felt like it represented a change of sorts. I told her that it had been both intimidating and, at least in retrospect, a major turn on for her to be so assertive, even though she had chosen not to take it to the next step and actually order a spanking.

 

She said that she was proud of herself because, even though she didn’t spank me, it was the kind of thing that she usually would have just let go.  This time, however, she caught herself in the mental act of choosing not to address it and, instead of walking away, she consciously decided to give me that verbal dressing down.  

 

I told her that even though we’ve discussed several times that she should be quicker to react with an actual spanking, something about her approach this time felt right. And, I meant it.

 

In general, I do feel like Anne cuts me too much slack and lets me get away with too much.  Yet, there has been a significant and, I believe, meaningful change in the last year or so.

 

In the past, she left too much bad behavior, and particularly bad attitude, go completely unaddressed.  But, in the months immediately preceding my accident, particularly when it came to sarcasm and disrespect, she had become for verbally assertive, and the content of her assertions often involved a spanking threat, like: “Do you want to get spanked, because I can take you upstairs and spank you right now?” 

 

It was a step forward for sure, but it still felt like it was tentative and left me with substantial control, since she was, in fact, asking me a question and giving me a chance to adjust my behavior (or not). It was a threat, but it was open-ended.

 

Her warning described above felt different. 

 

On the surface, it might seem like less of an immediate threat, since it coupled a warning with a statement that I would be spanked for it next time it happened.  Which is, strictly speaking, letting me off.  But, that wasn’t how it felt, probably because it didn’t invite any response from me.  It was a simple statement that she was giving me this one warning, and next time I would be spanked.

 

Maybe that’s why a warning, coupled with a firm statement about future consequences, also flipped one of my other big triggers – maternal discipline.  Something about the scenario felt very maternal; more so I think than moving straight to a spanking would have.

 

I think I associate warnings with maternal discipline because, when I was growing up, warnings were far more common than actual spanking. I’ve said before that one reason I crave discipline as an adult is probably because I didn’t get much of it as a kid. But, that doesn’t mean I wasn’t threatened with it regularly.  I was, and not just in private and not just by parents.  It was pretty common where I grew up to be reprimanded in public, by parents but also other adults, and those reprimands were frequently coupled with a warning about spankings to come. 

 

 

Which leads to a complication:  For the warning to be effective, and for it to have a distinctly maternal vibe, it has to be credible.  When I was growing up in my original hometown, warnings were very credible, because whether at home or at work, they were very frequently followed by an actual spanking if the offender didn’t immediately correct course.  However, the converse can also be true.  I associate warnings with a maternal vibe, but only if there is a credible threat of follow-through.  I don’t associate my own mother with maternal discipline, because at least as I got older, her warnings became less and less credible.

 

Another complication with warnings is that a warning can easily be made and then forgotten. Or, so much time passes between the warning and a repeated offense that our wives may see a repeated warning as “only fair”. 

 

It’s a very realistic concern.  My description above of the offense that led to Anne’s “this is your one warning” warning isn’t vague because I’m embarrassed to describe it. It’s vague because I don’t remember it. Neither does Anne. I asked her about it a couple of days ago and, while she remembers making the warning, she too can’t remember what set it off.  Now, to a big extent, I think that’s because my intervening accident turned our lives upside down to such an extent that it’s hard to remember all sorts of stuff that happened earlier than seven weeks ago.  However, our mutual forgetfulness does suggest that if warnings are going to be a part of the process, maybe there needs to be some kind of documentation around them.

 

 

On the surface, her “this is your one warning” approach seems inconsistent with the many, many times we’ve talked about how she should be much quicker to spank.  And, it is still true that she lets me get away with too much.  It’s also true that we both say we want a stricter approach, and maybe warnings don’t seem so strict.

 

Yet, it doesn’t really feel that way, and I’m not sure that certain and immediate spankings, without any warning, are ever going to be realistic for us. Even if I’ve said that’s what I want and need, there is a certain perceived unfairness about being spanked without any warning and, like probably most of the wives, being fair is part of Anne’s basic psychological makeup.  While it might work for some wives, a “no warnings – right to spanking” approach to strictness probably just isn’t consistent with who she is at this point in time.

 

 

My all-time favorite story on the Disciplinary Wives Club website, Even More (written by our long-time contributor, Al) includes an interesting exchange regarding warnings and fairness. It takes place right after the husband and wife have agreed to try DD:

 

“They had no sooner arrived home than Susan followed David into the bathroom to discover that he had left the toilet seat up. "Damn it, David," Susan exclaimed, "we just talked about you not leaving the seat up this afternoon. You know that was one of the things we agreed you would be spanked for."

 

David stammered, "Sorry, I just forgot. You know it takes a while to break old habits. But I promise I won't forget again." David really had forgotten to lower the seat, lost in thought about all that had transpired through the day. And he was nervous. In spite of all his fantasies, the reality of the contract and the purchase of the hairbrush was beginning to sink in. He began to wonder if he had made a very big mistake.

 

"Well, David, we're just going to help you make sure you don't forget again. It looks like we'll be breaking in this hairbrush sooner than I expected. Take off your pants and meet me at the sofa," Susan replied curtly.

 

David gulped, "Don't you think I should get one warning, Susan? Don't you think that would be more fair?"

 

"David, you just signed a contract this afternoon agreeing to no arguments about your discipline, and now you're already arguing. You asked for this arrangement, and you're going to live up to it. Now, do as I said."

 

That fictional exchange illustrates some of the nuances around warnings.  David thinks he should get one warning but, the offense had been designated just that day!  So, he had, in effect, been very recently “warned”. 

 

I can see how Anne might backslide into thinking that a long period between a warning and repeat offense suggests not the threatened spanking but a refreshing of the warning. But, maybe not.  When I brought up her warning a couple of days ago and asked whether she remembered what it was about, she made a point of saying that I probably shouldn’t expect many warnings going forward, because I’ve already been warned more than once about most of the things that piss her off. 

Only time will tell.

 

 

I don’t have a well-defined set of sub-topics for this one.  Feel free to respond with anything that seems relevant.  I would like to hear, however, which you prefer (in practice or in fantasy) - at least one warning, or right to a spanking.

 

Have a great week.