Saturday, May 10, 2025

Scolding After the Spanking - Is Before, After, or During Better for Getting the Message Across (Meeting 519)

“A person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.” - Tim Ferriss

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

Once again, before we get started, I would like to thank the Disciplinary Wives who have recently joined us and to extend an invitation to all others who may be inclined to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We like having you around.

 

I hope you had a good week.  Mine was pretty uneventful, though I also felt like I got a decent amount accomplished over the course of the week.  It’s hard to attribute it to any one thing, but it may not be coincidental that DD has been on my mind a lot lately.  It comes and goes, but for no particular reason I can identify, I feel like I’ve gotten past a temporary flat spot, where my interest level was low.

 

In any event, this week’s topic relates to a comment left a couple of weeks ago. by a reader going by “DD”.  I actually quoted it in last week’s post, but for another purpose, and since there is a lot of good stuff in it, I’m posting it again in full.

 

“My wife was the one who was very strict out of the gate and she has continued to be strict. I get spanked somewhat less often only because I am better behaved. I would never try to force my wife to enforce a zero tolerance policy but she is that way on her own. It took some adjustment initially and it certainly changed our relationship dynamic to something more FLR and I see her differently than I used to. I have a new/different respect for her and see her as the authority in the relationship. She says she still sees me the same but she does treat me differently in her role. I think because of the effectiveness of the dynamic in the beginning spanking to her is like a hammer and every issue is a nail. It is certainly her go to. Over time its only become more that way and she always finds new behaviors or things to add to what she will spank for. She used to try and talk or scold about things up front then spank after but she shifted to spanking with scolding up front then talking after because she likes that the spanking takes care of any potential ego or defensiveness that might become argumentative. Being argumentative in other context is also a spank-able offense.”

 

Sometimes a reader’s comment sticks in my brain, and when that happens it often suggests a new topic, or at least a new angle on an old topic.

 

This time, something about the lines I bolded above, concerning talking after the spanking struck home.   

 

When it originally got my attention, I equated the reference to "talking" after the spanking with getting scolded or lectured afterward, not simply a post-spanking discussion about the spanking itself. I think that's what DD meant but, in any event, that's how I'm leveraging it for purposes of this week's discussion.

 

Anne and I do talk after spankings.  We often talk a lot.  But, it’s usually in bed and it’s usually me doing a lot of the talking. And, it’s usually not about the particular behavior that got me spanked. Moreover, nothing about it feels like a continued scolding or lecture.

 

Rather, what I was focusing on in DD's comment is the notion that instead of scolding before a spanking—or perhaps in addition to that—the wife might choose to convey her thoughts about his behavior after giving him the well-deserved butt blistering.

 

As DD suggests, the theory for switching up the more typical sequence of lecture and spanking would be that after the spanking the husband’s ego likely is much reduced and, therefore, he is likely to be more open to really hearing what she is trying to convey.

 


Alan referred to it as “back-loaded” scolding, observing:

 

“Yes, a very interesting observation, somewhat counter-intuitive to the normal dynamic, but it is a way of taking care of the ego problem, which must be managed to make DD effective. This is reminiscent in some measure to the effect of preventative spanking. Both prepare a male for the behavior expectations that follow. But, I appreciate and probably need my wife's scolding before paddling. But, if she doesn't get my ego under control, the spanking is a lot less effective even when she scolds. To listen to what she is saying, one does need to become accepting and non-defensive. I imagine what DD is describing would produce that state.

 

There also could be an opportunity for a good dialogue. One, because her anger or irritation will be less because you have already been punished and probably humbled. Two, because you are likely to be less defensive and more objective because you are not facing a looming spanking.

 

A pre-spanking lecture probably is more typical than one where the heart of the discussion is reserved for after the spanking.  And, for some those can reduce the ego and leave you feeling like that much younger man about to get spanked by a stern authority figure.  

 


However, for me a lengthy pre-spanking lecture doesn’t seem to work that well.  I tend to get kind of bored with it. Or, I know exactly why I am being spanked and I’m more than ready to get it over with.

 

 

Although it doesn’t happen much this way for us, I think for me a scolding right before the spanking would be something more like this meme, i.e. extremely short and direct.

 

 

Or perhaps something more like this by RedRump, after she's told me earlier in the day that I'm getting a spanking, and after I've had a chance to stew over it a bit, but while she is still feeling most of her original anger or annoyance.



In our relationship, I think to the extent there is a value to a pre-spanking lecture it’s more about her getting something off her chest.

 

For me, when a lecture has worked, it’s tended to be well before the spanking, and it’s been more like a cross-examination, with her leading me calmly through exactly what I did, with a series of “yes/no” questions that take me through what I did bit by bit, leading to the inevitable conclusion; a short declaration from her that I’m getting a spanking later that day. 

 

That sequence allows her to get it off her chest, makes me essentially sign on fully to my own punishment, and leaves me a few hours to think about what is coming.

 

However, while I’m sure it is far less typical, I can see potential benefit in leaving a lot of her side of the discussion to after the spanking.  It’s not often that there is any disagreement about whether I deserve a spanking, but it does happen. And, even when I agree in my head that I deserve one, I’m not always in a fully humbled state that leaves me feeling more vulnerable and open to really hearing her message loud and clear.

 

As several of us have talked about before, a spanking has this very odd way of changing your attitude about why you are being punished.  As Al said:

 

“Nothing like a strong dose of the paddle to straighten out an attitude. But, in all seriousness, there's been plenty of times when I submitted to a spanking begrudgingly, pissed off about something, and convinced that I was right and she was wrong (spanking or not) - only to emerge from the spanking with a much different point of view. Interesting how that works.”

 

Because my attitude can change so profoundly from immediately before the spanking to immediately after, it does seem like reversing out typical ordering of the scolding first and the spanking second might help me respond more openly and constructively, especially given that during the pre-spanking lecture my contributions usually are relegated to a few “Yes, Ma’am” responses to her lecturing.

 


I’m not sure whether it would work for her, but when lecturing before a spanking, she sometimes seems pretty casual about the whole thing. On the other hand, she sometimes sounds more stern and strict immediately after the spanking, like she’s still really feeling the power and authority embodied in just having let me up after going over her knee.

 

A post-spanking discussion also might, in a subtle way, reinforce her place in the hierarchy. Coincidentally, I found this captioned spanking meme in my Tumblr feed shortly after I started thinking about a topic on post-spanking lectures. Alan has talked in the past about how he is allowed to plead his case, but generally only after he's already been spanked.  Although perhaps that feels less "fair", it also seems like a very effective sequence for emphasizing her discretion to spank for any reason.

 

 

To me, it may reflect another situation in which a post-spanking lecture might work well, i.e. on those rare occasions when we are not on the same page about whether a spanking has been earned.  It really has not happened often, but there were a few times last year, when she was becoming more strict and more prone to follow her own views about certain things, that she spanked me for things like being too aggressive or domineering in conversations, that I felt like there really were big differences in how we saw the situation, which the spanking did not resolve.  I think the lack of resolution was related to my ego defenses being too strong for that “different point of view” that Al talked about to emerge.  It is possible that moving right to the spanking with little discussion, followed by heart-to-heart later might have given her the same or better opportunity to give me her perspective while I was more open to hearing it, even if the outcome that her view wins remained exactly the same.

 

When done well, scolding can have a power that exceeds—or at least augments—a spanking, particularly if the man is prone to want more verbal strictness.

 

And, it does seem like most of us want scoldings to be more frequent and perhaps harsher.  I once polled the group (back when Blogger had a polling widget) about what they wanted more of in their DD relationships, and “verbal strictness” was the only option that 100% of the respondents agreed with. 

 

For me, in addition to the benefits of having one’s ego humbled and then having an open conversation about it, there’s something that feels very maternal about augmenting a hard spanking with a discussion about what got me there. Although I try to go into each spanking open to the lesson she is trying to give, at the end of one I am much more compliant and in a headspace that feels much more like I’ve been chastised by someone with real authority over me. It feels much more like a school or parental spanking after it is over.

 

Finally, I suspect—though I do not know for sure—that scolding and lecturing after a spanking might be even more empowering for Anne. As I alluded to above, her expressiveness, and the sternness with which she expresses herself, seems to increase over the course of a spanking. When she dismisses me at the end of it, she seems to be really feeling her power.  It seems like that might be the best time for her to reiterate why the spanking happened and what her expectations are for better behavior in the future.

 

We’ve talked about scolding a few times before, but I don’t think we’ve talked very much about the issue of timing.  For those of you for whom scolding/lecturing is part of the dynamic, is it most effective before, during or after the spanking?  Is there a certain sequence that seems to break down your ego, or empower the wife, most effectively?

 

I hope you all have a great week.

54 comments:

  1. I doubt one size fits all here. Scolding/lecturing itself is critical to bring about better behavior through better communication and produce the psychological dynamic a man needs to accept and benefit from real discipline. But before, during, or after probably depends on the couple's dynamic as well as the respective personalities. It is also context-dependent. I have experienced all three “time-frames ( much less “after”), and they all can be powerful, productive experiences. For me ( so far), two different scolding techniques work best. One is the simple, direct message sent to the rhythm of brush or paddle repeatedly, as in “ no is not in your vocabulary when you speak to me” or “your pants stay down until I say they can go break up”. I have found myself the next day or next week ruminating on words or phrases she had used during a spanking, indicating how deeply they penetrate, accompanied by a spanking. However, a longer, more complex message is likely lost while processing other emotions from being spanked. The other “time-frame “ particularly effective for us is the double spanking, with the first half interrupted with a corner time out. That message feels like it's drilled in when she scolds while standing in the corner, punctuating her words with hand spanks. I think part of that comes from knowing that the severity of the follow-up spanking will be determined by how she thinks I am responding to her. So I am laser-focused on her words. Logically, that should also happen before a spanking, but maybe the initial spanking has resolved the ego problem, and I am ready to listen to her.
    Alan

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    1. I had a recent experience with ruminating for days after one of those short, direct phrases, though the context was slightly different. I had earned a spanking, and she told me I was going to get one that day. Something interfered, so it got tabled to the next day. That morning, she was going to the gym and, as she was leaving said, "I'll take care of your spanking when I get back," then walked out the door. Short and simple, but I thought about it that day and for a couple of days after. Now, she ended up not delivering on that declaration until the next evening, though that lead to an interesting epiphany that I may talk about in a separate post.

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    2. After my wife and I had been doing DD for about a year or two, she began to frequently use the double spanking that Alan mentioned above. I would get a hard spanking, then have some time in the corner, and during these corner times she would often scold me some, punctuating her words with hand spanks, exactly like Alan's wife. Strangely, those double spankings have become rare now, and it is usually quick and to the point.

      -ZM

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    3. We've never done the "double spanking" but it sounds like it could be very effective.

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  2. I’m interested to see how many people seem to have scolding as part of the process. It’s not something that we really do at all. If I’m being punished, I know the reason and reviewing it verbally would be unnecessary. I think the nearest we get to it is sometimes she may stop and ask if I’m going to do whatever it was again. Likely an answer like “I’ll try not to” will just restart the spanking, harder than before. She’s looking for a very definite answer at that time in order to stop. But we really don’t need to verbalize other than that - the spanking speaks quite loud enough. I do want to take up one point though, and that is your 100% response on verbal strictness. Our typical pattern round a punishment is that we’ll agree it’s due, probably more often initiated by me (assuaging those guilt feelings again) and at some point later she’ll say something like “I suppose we should deal with that.” For me, an increase in verbal strictness - which I would certainly like - implies a far more commanding tone and instruction then - more like the statements in some of your memes, and is not related to scolding. TG

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    1. I totally agree that when men say they want more verbal strictness, they are largely talking about tone, speaking firmly, etc. I'm not sure those are not related to scolding at all, but it's a separable aspect.

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  3. Scolding is not a major part of our discipline spankings. If any does exist is is certainly not after the spanking. Here, when the spanking is over, the issue is over. No discussion for or against the infraction or the spanking itself. If it occurs before the spanking, it is one sided and I say very little. There are no questions from her and I guess that her decision to punish has already been made and questions may lead to discussion about the incident or the punishment itself. Once that decision is made there is no changing it or debate about it or pleading. I misbehaved and I am to be punished for it. PERIOD There is sometimes some scolding during the spanking, but again it is void of questions, like 'are you sorry' or 'are you learning you lesson'. I get short scolding statements like 'you know you earned this' or 'we have covered this before, yet you committed it again' or 'your must try harder to improve your behavior' or 'I hope this reminds you before you do that again'. My only response seems to be 'yes ma'am'.

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  4. My wife employs a two-stage spanking process that has proven effective for us. The first stage is a hard, focused spanking designed to break down my ego and bring me to a state of contrition and humility. This initial phase isn’t about the specific rule I broke but rather about reminding me of my place in our relationship and her authority. It’s intense and leaves me emotionally and physically vulnerable, which sets the stage for what comes next.

    After this first spanking, she has me kneel in front of her for a lecture. At this point, I’m in a receptive frame of mind—humbled and open to truly hearing her. She uses this time to clearly explain why the behavior was unacceptable, how it affected her or our relationship, and what she expects moving forward. The kneeling reinforces the power dynamic and keeps me focused on her words. This lecture isn’t rushed; she takes her time to ensure the message sinks in.

    Once the lecture is complete, the spanking resumes for the second stage. This part is the actual punishment for the specific rule I broke. It feels different from the first half—more purposeful, as it’s directly tied to the behavior we just discussed. The combination of the initial humbling, the lecture, and the concluding punishment creates a powerful experience that leaves me both corrected and motivated to do better.

    This sequence works for us because the first spanking clears away any defensiveness or ego, allowing me to absorb her lecture fully. The second spanking then reinforces the lesson, tying the physical discipline to the specific infraction. It’s a process that feels both maternal and authoritative, and it helps me internalize the correction in a way that a single spanking or a pre-spanking lecture alone wouldn’t.

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    1. Sounds like a very good procedure.

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    2. I like the powerful message your wife delivers. I also love the two staged process. The kneeling in front of her naked must bring you down so many pegs, that is has to feel humiliating and contrite. My wife tends to scold while spanking. She doesn’t necessarily scold before and it’s usually finished with, “I hope you learned your lesson not to raise your voice at me young man.” It’s very maternal, which is what I need and I generally turn red and feel humbled. I’m a bit jealous of your routine. I’m not sure my wife, would necessarily be into, me kneeling in front of her. She has been better at her scolding techniques. I can see how the two staged process is effective at removing one’s ego and once that’s accomplished and your humble; then the true punishment could begin during the second stage. Everyone is different, but for what’s its worth this is probably one of the best approaches to scolding and punishment. It’s something I may have a discussion with my wife about down the road. Interestingly, my wife and Mother were at the house yesterday for dinner. I cooked both of them a feast. I overheard my Mother say, she knew how to take me down a peg growing up. I heard my wife say, I know how to accomplish that now in my way. She basically without saying it Implied that she spanks me. I’m glad I was in the other room. I could feel flushed.
      T

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    3. Anonymous, I really like your two stage process. Great summary of its benefits in your final paragraph. In future comments (I hope there are more), please adopt a name or initials to identify yourself. It helps us keep track of who we're responding to in a long thread and helps personalize the group.

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    4. T., the "young man" sure has a very maternal vibe.

      Interesting comment by your wife to your mom!

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    5. Dan,
      Yes, the maternal aspect is a big deal for me. It’s something that drives the point home when she is punishing me. I don’t know how I would have reacted if I had been in the room. On a separate note, we are leaving for a much needed vacation. We were packing and she said make sure you pack the leather belt, as we can’t bring the paddle. I know you won’t behave properly the entire time we are gone. I responded, like I always do, yes ma’am. The first picture hits home for me. I like the drawing and it resonates with me.
      T

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    6. I've started bringing belts on trips, too. Pretty innocuous and unlikely to set off any snickers with TSA. Several years ago, I bought something called a "gun belt". They look like a regular belt but are about double the thickness and rigidity.

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    7. Love the idea of the 2 stage process. Kneeling in front of your wife while she lectures you sounds intriguing. I have gotten on my knees after a spanking to pleasure her, to show my appreciation and gratitude. I have experienced two spankings for different reasons, which were separated by 5 to 10 minutes of corner time. Being ordered in the corner is humbling, and the photo of the recently spanked young man being lectured by his wife is wonderful. My sweetie will often give a short lecture or mild scolding as she is doing the warm up, before the main event. If she is really angry, she will lecture or scold while spanking, and puncuate each word with a hard spank. I haven't experienced that in a long time and don't expect it to happen soon.

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    8. The kneeling is a little too Femdom-ish for my tastes, but otherwise I really like the two-stage process Anonymous described.

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    9. Just when I thought I had heard of every possible idea, someone comes along with a new and interesting approach. The two-stage process sounds like a really good idea and I could see how it could work very well.

      -ZM

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  5. I am almost always subjected to a scolding, sometimes for much too long, once I am in position. It can be very focussed or it can be wide ranging. It feels like she takes full advantage of my submission & prone ( physically & emotionally) position, to clear any & all issues on her mind. I can get impatient & I try really hard to control that. She will often scold through the spanking as well with questions about whether I accept I was wrong, etc. I am usually just trying to get through it at that point and so I am always contrite & agreeing.

    After she will always ask how I am feeling, a question I often struggle to answer clearly as I need recover time. She may continue to scold me about the offence and I have journaled to her that if she feels that need then she may not have spanked long or hard enough. For me the ideal sequence is scolding, spanking and then forgiving. TB

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    1. Your wife's "wide ranging" scolding is a good reminder that, while we tend to talk about scolding affects us, it's also about the wife having a way of venting and getting things off her chest.

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    2. Great point about wide-ranging. My wife isn't much of a lecturer but she sees all of me and our marriage when she does start talking. It can be emotional for her to see how a thoughtless act of mine connects to a vacation we didn't get to take, to our wedding vows, to our future grandchildren.

      Spanking for such holistic reasons and the accompanying emotions would probably have to be an epic affair conducted only a few times a decade, at least, where we're at right now.

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    3. I think my wife's interest in DD is pretty wide-ranging and holistic, as it's about equalizing the power dynamic as a whole.

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  6. For us the lecturing and scolding is designed to break down my male ego and tip the scales in her favour.
    She refers to a spanking as a 'discussion' but it's not much of a discussion as she does all the talking.
    She will usually start the 'discission' after she orders me to strip which begins the process of taking me down a peg or two.
    She will wave or tap the paddle as she scolds.
    The main discussion starts when I am over my lap and feeling humbled and vulnerable.
    It doesn''t last long but seems that way to me and she includes a few rhetorical questions to make her point which usually require only a"Yes Ma'am!" from me.
    She will lecture during the spanking also but not that much.
    Afterwards there is no further scolding other than perhaps another rhetorical question like "I hope that got through to you?"

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    1. "She will wave or tap the paddle as she scolds." She doesn't do that, but I think it would be very powerful.

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    2. Scolding starts with a simple statement of why I'm being punished. It will continue with pauses during the spanking, which may be as short as a couple of minutes or may be considerably longer. After she finishes and I'm allowed to get up, she may say a few words but basically the matter is over. She has said what she wants to say and doesn't need to add to it.

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  7. With J., I did any scolding before the spanking. There were various reasons why that way round worked well for us. Firstly, spankings were intended to draw a line under whatever the offence was. Secondly, spanking was the natural aphrodisiac, so I didn't want to dampen the mood. Thirdly, we never wanted a femdom vibe and felt that minimising the scolding was a way of doing that.

    In any case, scolding wasn't a big part of our routine. We tended to concentrate on physical punishments. If it was necessary to spank harder and longer to cover the offence, that was what I did.

    L.

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    1. That comes close to my wife's approach and I think it the best.

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  8. I prefer lecture during. Maybe it goes back to childhood spankings getting scolded as mom or dad spanked me.

    -Alex G

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    1. I do think that post-spanking lectures probably aren't very consistent with most people's memories of childhood spankings.

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  9. For clarification my wife does scold a lot during a spanking. she used to have venting sessions or a lecture leading up to a spanking and then scold and correct or have me repeat back what i did wrong and what is going to be different going forward during the spanking but she is a verbal person in general so she always scolds continuously through a spanking but she noticed I was a lot more receptive if she moved any longer meaningful discussion until after I was disciplined vs having that venting or lecturing up front. - DD

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  10. As with many other things,males under female DD seem to experience many variations of scolding-lecture/physical punishment. We are all the same in being all different. However some consensus this week does seem to be emerging describing a "two stage" process for many couples: one stage emphasizing scolding and one stage emphasizing the spanking. But we all describe it and probably experience it a little differently . Some this week have alluded to the difference between being scolded before being spanked versus before being spanked attributable to the effect on the male ego of the spanking. That resonates with me . I am much more ready to listen to her after she has spanked me. That seems to be the case for others also.
    Alan

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    1. Alan, it seems the "two stage" process seems to cover all the bases, and has the added benefit of extreme humbling by kneeling in front of your wife. Also, he describes it as feeling both maternal and authoritative, which sounds very appealing to me. I don't get that level of submission from maintence spankings, and occassionally miss it.
      I've become so well trained, I rarely earn any real discipline any more. Dan, not sure this is the case for some contributors, but I wonder if any others have painted themselves into a similar corner.

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    2. "I am much more ready to listen to her after she has spanked me. That seems to be the case for others also." Same here, so it's a little ironic that most don't seem to get much in the way of lecturing, scolding, or other discussion *after* the spanking.

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    3. It’s the opposite for me - I listen carefully before the spanking, when I am in position awaiting. I hear her as she spanks but not clearly. And immediately afterwards when she asks me how I feel or continues with the scolding, I know how I feel but I almost always struggle to be articulate enough to put it into sensible words …. TB

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    4. She's never really asked me how I feel after one, so I don't know whether I would be more articulate or less so. I do suspect that my answers to any questions would be more in line with her views.

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  11. Sometimes, I wish my wife would scold more and of course be more strict. However, lately there seems to have been a shift in her taking her authority and the responsibility of being in charge more seriously. I'm not exactly why. I know that in response I have become more submissive. I recently got a spanking two days in a row for my mood. I was going through something and becoming increasingly short and terse. The first time there was not much scolding just a spanking. She was very upset with my behavior towards her but didn't say much. She let the paddle do the talking. I do remember in the haze of pain agreeing to straighten up. The next day my mood again took a turn for the worse and I found myself bent back over getting a long and much harder spanking. She definitely took me to the edge of brokenness. We talked afterwards and she scolded me about taking my moods out on her and acting like a child. She was of course right. It was like a light switched on. I knew she loved me and my behavior was unfair to her and harmful to me. My bottom was soreer than it's ever been and my realization of her authority was growing. The next couple of days were perhaps the best we have had in a very long time. I was much more obedient and submissive. I didn't argue with her when previously I would have and was more attentive and loving. Thats when things took a strange but wonderful turn. In the past I've struggled with obedience in a specific area shopping. I have been told not to wonder off especially when I left my phone in the car or at home. Yesterday I slipped into my bad habit and wandered off. She couldn't find me and I couldn't find her but when I finally did she wasn't upset more frustrated and told me in the store in front of others that I was in big trouble and we would discuss it in the car. On top of disobeying her i couldn't find my credit card. I wasn't sure if I had lost it our left it at home. Previously she would have scolded me but not punished me. I did get a good scolding on the way home and I asked her about how she was going to punish me. She said she hadn't decided but we would talk about it when we got home. When we got home and I put everything away. She told me she decided corner time for being irresponsible and a spanking for direct and willfully disobeying her. It wasn't a threat she followed thru. Her scolding is variable in timing and on occasion no talking needed. I'm increasingly more in love with her and her authority

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    1. Those multiple spankings, close together over a day or two, do send a special message about her taking her authority seriously.

      Irresponsibility and carelessness is something I've asked my wife to be stricter about. I'm tired of costing myself money and time by being disorganized or careless.

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  12. Dan, being careless is an issue I struggle with also, and it often just boils down to laziness, and simply not taking care of nagging problems that I don't want to deal with. I think I would like her help, but I am not sure exactly how to ask her to be stricter about improving it. We have tried several times to have speific chores finished by a certain time, which worked, but I wasn't motivated to continue to keep asking her. It felt like I was being a burden to her. Part of the challenge is that she isn't a naturally dominant person. She has had lots of passion to help me change things that really mattered to her, but not for staying on top of mundane problems.

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    1. I don't think my carelessness is so much laziness (though there may be some of that) as not taking seriously enough the possible risks of doing or not doing some tasks. I also tend to blow off instructions, rules and warnings from knowledgeable sources. Basically, I don't always pay close attention when I should, and I'm often not very careful. Now, I don't want to get too timid or risk-averse either, but there is a balance.

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  13. I have rarely been spanked without being scolded and lectured before the real punishment begins. The exception would be when quick correction is needed and she gets right down to business.

    I'd say that the scolding is fueled by Beth's annoyance with me and it allows her an emotional release. The lecture that comes next is more deliberate, but in some ways more stern. She is an elementary school teacher and the tone is appropriate for a student who has misbehaved. I'm rarely asked to respond and if I do, it's generally the usual "yes ma'am". Neither one of us has ever had much interest in post spanking discussions.

    Scolding and lectures certainly put me in my place and there isn't anything about them that is even remotely enjoyable. Even so, I do sometimes find them arousing.
    Kevin

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    1. "I'd say that the scolding is fueled by Beth's annoyance with me and it allows her an emotional release." It took me a surprisingly long time to concede that even if scolding/lectures didn't seem to do much for me, maybe the effect on me wasn't the point. It's at least as much about her, specifically her ability to vent and make her feelings known

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  14. Last week Lauren did something she has not before. I have the bad habit of being careless in the kitchen sometimes leaving a gas burner on. She noticed that I did that and then later the same morning did it again. She was really annoyed and grabbed a large wooden spoon we use for stirring soup, stews and gumbo. She bent me over the kitchen island and gave me about 10 really hard with the spoon…all the while repeating…”stop leaving the burner on!”.

    Carelessness is specifically written in our written rule agreement. I am scolded before the punishment begins during our weekly check in on Sunday morning and then a little just before it begins and usually a little bit each time she switches implements. Afterwards I am to thank her for the punishment and helping me to be a better person (I find this very humbling). She rarely mentions anything after…it’s over.

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    1. I get Lauren's frustration with that one, because in our house it's Anne who has a problem with leaving gas burners on. It's an anomaly in our relationship, as she is usually WAY more focused on personal and home safety issues than I am.

      "Afterwards I am to thank her for the punishment and helping me to be a better person (I find this very humbling)." I am sure it would be humbling to me, too.

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  15. My wife has used just about every form (and timing) of scolding over the years. Certainly she has had plenty of time to work on her tone and demeaner.

    As for timing, she usually does some before, and mostly during. I find that the before spanking scolding basically does about nothing, since I am laser focused on the upcoming spanking and mostly just want to get the whole thing over with as quickly as possible. Maybe scolding more before might be part of the punishment, since I definitely don't enjoy it, but I just don't think it is all that effective since I am so distracted. Also, on those few times that she has spanked me when I felt I didn't deserve it, I simply wasn't in the right frame of mind to hear her scolding.

    During the spanking works very well for both of us. I definitely hear every word she says and as others have mentioned, often I have had the words rolling around in my head for days afterwards.

    After spanking would probably work very well, since there is no question that I become more and more submissive as a punishment goes on and would be very receptive to hearing what she has to say, but she tends to not use this that much. I think the primary reason is because when she has finished spanking me, she has closure so just doesn't feel the need to say more, even though it would probably be pretty effective if she did. One time I could see post-spanking scolding work particularly well would be on the times that I feel that I am in the right at the beginning of the spanking. Obviously when I am so convinced I am right, her words before largely fall on deaf ears, but by the end, almost invariably my perspective has changed profoundly, and now I recognize that I was in the wrong and deserved the punishment, which is exactly the time that she should probably say everything that she wants to say.

    -ZM

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    1. My reaction to pre-spanking scoldings is very similar to yours. I don't know why, but typically they just don't have much effect on me.

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    2. This discussion is leading me to think that the main benefit of pre-spanking scolding is for wife or GF to express her often strong feelings that accompany punishment. As such it seems important to getting to that place of reconciliation spankings can bring about. But if she also wants to motivate behavior change, her "message" is better delivered in short staccato style admonitions during a spanking -or alternately longer scolding after a spanking is over, perhaps as corner time ( which is what my wife sometimes does. But much of the potential impact of scolding as a behavior motivator will be diminished if delivered before the spanking starts -however much good it might do her at that point
      Alan

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    3. If I had to pick one thing that I think I got wrong about DD for the first several years, it probably was putting too much emphasis on its effect on me and my behavior, and too little on its effect on her. These days, I think more about how things that don't affect me positively or that don't really correct behavior may have a positive role for her. Pre-spanking scoldings might fall into that category.

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    4. Alan, my G/F has a similar style to what you describe. The reason for the spanking will be mentioned briefly before the spanking begins, and will continue with "short, staccato admonitions" specifically to address behavior issues. She will occasionally order me in the corner before a spanking, which reinforces her authority and my submissiveness. It also gives me some uninterupted time to contemplate what is about to happen. Corner time is usually more effective when she is in the room.

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    5. “Corner time is usually more effective when she is in the room. “
      Norton,
      I have the impression that most couples probably don’t use pre-spanking corner time. But it has been used in both of my DD relationships, and it is often an essential part of the experience. It allows her to send me to the spanking room to get ready, and it allows her to cool down if she is angry with me. She needs to express anger when it is there, but time to cool off is usually better. It works for me, too, offering a transaction period from alpha male to naughty husband. Yes, it does seem effective when she is in the room, me with strict instructions not to turn around or let my nose leave the wall. I feel very exposed like that, unable to know what she is doing, and knowing whatever it is will not be good for my bum. But that helps too with the transition, so that when she is ready to start, I am ready also
      Alan

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    6. "This discussion is leading me to think that the main benefit of pre-spanking scolding is for wife or GF to express her often strong feelings that accompany punishment. As such it seems important to getting to that place of reconciliation spankings can bring about."

      "If I had to pick one thing that I think I got wrong about DD for the first several years, it probably was putting too much emphasis on its effect on me and my behavior, and too little on its effect on her. These days, I think more about how things that don't affect me positively or that don't really correct behavior may have a positive role for her."

      These are some great insights. It is so easy for us to think of this only from our end of the paddle, but in fact if a DD/FLR relationship is going to go anywhere at all, both partners must get something from it. A few weeks back, I mentioned that for my wife, if I never changed a bit, she is generally fine with that. So at least for her, behavior change is not all that strong of a motivator. On the other hand, her being able to express her feelings with absolute assurance that not only am I listening, but I am really getting her perspective and also not having bad feelings build up over time are both very strong incentives for her to embrace DD.

      -ZM

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    7. ZM, I agree that being able to express feelings with total assurance has to be one of the #1 benefits of DD for the wives.

      Also, to be clear, from the moment I discovered the DWC, I did see it as having big benefits for my wife, and I sold the whole concept to her on that basis. What I don't think I quite got though was that some of the benefits she got might not be fully congruent with how I wanted the dynamic to go, and that things that ended up being core to her experience might "not work" for me, but that something "not working for me" might actually be what I needed to make the whole experience truly aversive. Which, if it really is about accountability, it *needs to be* aversive as it is happening.

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  16. We sometimes use pre spanking corner time, which makes me feel quite submissive, which is how I want to feel before a spanking. It seems even more effective when some spanking has already occurred and there will be more coming. Corner time is always in the living room by the front door, and it does make me feel vulnerable, especially with a bright red bum, like the guy in the photo.

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