No Post This Week, But Feel Free to Comment on This

Happy Saturday to you all.  

I'm taking a small trip over the weekend with an indeterminate end date.  So, I won't be posting this week.

When I don't post, I usually feel a bit guilty for slacking, but if last week's comments were any indication, maybe everyone needs a break anyway.  Man, was it ever quiet.  I don't remember the last time I've gone a full day, and then some, without a single comment.  

Thank you to those of you who did weigh in on a topic that clearly wasn't seen as compelling by enough people to get much of a conversation going.

Instead of just going silent for the week though, I thought it might be an opportunity to post this sequence of AI-generated memes I saw a few days ago on this Tumblr.  I'm not sure which AI platform he's using, but it could definitely use a spellchecker.  Still, I liked the scenario he came up with.

The last frame doesn't resonate for me, as it plays into too many concerns some have about what might happen if kids, including adult kids, were to find about the parents' DD relationship.  I'm all for mixing up hierarchies, but adult kids getting the full visual crosses some visceral lines for me.

I do, however, have a strong positive reaction to the wife's straightforward, business-like declaration: "I paddled him for not doing his chores."

I also like her explanation in the penultimate frame: "This is his idea. Dad needs accountability when he messes up. He expects me to discipline him."  I like it because, unlike so many spanking memes, it's true to how most of these relationships work in real life.  He brings her the idea because he feels like he needs imposed accountability, and she at worst accommodates and at best actively embraces it.

Anne had one conversation with our adult daughters that was a much less direct version of the above.  One day out of the blue, one of them made a comment about how Anne seemed to increasingly be "wearing the pants" vis-a-vis her relationship with me.  Anne replied with something to the effect that it was what I wanted; that I had a job that required me to always be in control and make all the decisions, and that I didn't want that at home and, in fact, kind of wanted the opposite.  As I said, it was much more vague than the scenario above, but somewhat parallel and basically true even if some important parts were omitted.

Anyway, I guess I kind of ended up writing a post, didn't I?  Feel free to post about the memes above and any thoughts/feelings the scenario raises for you, or feel free to continue the conversation about last week's post.

Have a great week.  FYI, there is some chance I may need to do something like this again next week, as Anne and I are going on a roadtrip that may cover a couple of weekends.

After the Spanking and the Strictness -- Seeing Her in a Different Light (Meeting 521)

 “A lot of people would say 'sexy' is about the body. But to me, 'sexy' is a woman with confidence. I admire women who have very little fear.” - Allegra Versace

 Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

I thought I wouldn't be posting this weekend but ended up having more time than I anticipated today.  I'd pre-drafted a couple of posts, so I decided to go ahead and this one out.

 

I hope you all had a great week. We had a special family event, which was great, but I'm now totally exhausted. 

I’ve been getting a lot of mileage out of a single comment from a few weeks ago, but here is another snippet from a commenter going by “DD”, which I’ll use to introduce this week’s topic.  He left it when we were talking about “zero tolerance”.

 

“My wife was the one who was very strict out of the gate and she has continued to be strict. I get spanked somewhat less often only because I am better behaved. I would never try to force my wife to enforce a zero tolerance policy but she is that way on her own. It took some adjustment initially and it certainly changed our relationship dynamic to something more FLR, and I see her differently than I used to. I have a new/different respect for her and see her as the authority in the relationship. She says she still sees me the same but she does treat me differently in her role."

 

The highlighted portion of DD’s comment resonated with me, for a couple of reasons.  

 

First, in our discussion regarding “zero tolerance”, we talked about one of the ironies of many DD relationships: The wives may be concerned that being strict or showing her authority strongly will be perceived as being “bitchy” or overly controlling, yet many of the husbands fantasize about a wife who exercises that sort of strictness and displays a dominant kind of confidence.

 

Second, I feel like after so many years of doing this, Anne and I are again on the threshold of a step-change in her exercise of authority and the strictness with which she approaches disciplining me.

 

DD’s wife apparently came to strictness naturally, though it also seems that being subjected to it over time has increased, or changed the nature of, his respect for her, culminating in him seeing her as “the authority in the relationship.”

 

That’s what Anne and I are expressly aiming for; a relationship in which we both see her as “the” authority in the relationship.  She's been carrying through with it lately, and it definitely has me feeling a different level of respect.  Not that I haven't respected her over the years. But, this feels . . . different.

 

We’ve talked about it many times over the years, but it’s never quite seemed to gel.

 

That’s not to say that she hasn’t gotten more confident in exercising authority over the years.  She has. But, it’s been incremental and inconsistent.

 

Some women are born empowered and dominant. It sounds like DD’s wife may be one of them. I’ve had female bosses, and female executives as clients, who exuded power and authority. It seemed to come naturally to them.

 

On the other hand, others must learn it.  And, I do believe that confidence can be learned, authority can be taken up as opportunities arise, and a taste for power can be acquired. 

 

As I've said before, my wife is not a naturally dominant person.  Between the two of us, my personality is by far the more brash and aggressive. 

 

But, largely because of our domestic discipline relationship, her confidence in herself and comfort level with her own power have grown and developed over time. 

 

However, because “getting in my face” doesn’t come naturally to her, we’ve had to try to create the right conditions and “permission structures”, if you will, to drill it deeply into her heart and soul that I really do want her to be more strict and powerful in dealing with me.  We've talked a lot about how she needs to make herself "expect respect."  And make my bottom pay the price if I revert to form and fail to respect her place in the hierarchy.

Submitting to her disciplinary spankings is a virtuous circle.  As she orders spankings more often, and sees me submit to those orders over and over again, her confidence in her own authority builds. In exercising power, she grows more powerful, and she learns to enjoy exercising that power. More precisely, she starts acknowledging to herself, and to me, that she enjoys power and being in charge.

 

Including exercising more and more power vis-à-vis me.

 

 

As I said, it has been a work in progress for several years. Paradoxically, one way she gained confidence early on entailed limiting her discretion temporarily. We were brand new to disciplinary spankings, and neither of us had any real feel for our limits or, despite the descriptions on the DWC website, what a severe spanking really entailed. 

 

So, we agreed to non-discretionary rules.  Certain offenses would earn a spanking, and we each such offense would earn a certain minimum number of swats with the fraternity paddle. She could give more, but not less.  For the first several weeks, the number of swats was around 6 at the low-end to 20 at the high end.  Though, given that it was a heavy fraternity paddle, twenty was not trivial.

 

Then, I had one especially bad week.  I swallowed hard as I tallied up that week's offenses and realized it came to 60!  I told her that I wasn't sure I could take that many.  The previous weeks of practice had apparently hardened her resolve.  Without missing a beat, she replied, "Then, I guess you shouldn't have behaved so badly.  You will take every single swat you have coming."  And, she delivered. 

 

I still recall that spanking, and I remember having a disquieting feeling as I pulled my pants up over my bruised bottom.  It was the first time I had felt the implications of the fact that, under the sort of DD arrangement we had adopted, the nature or our relationship had, in fact, changed.  

 

She had been empowered, and I had been disempowered.  Given the radical change in the dynamic, I could not help but see her—and myself—in a different light after that spanking.

 

There were other incidents in which I was confronted—via a sore and blistered bottom—that she was changing and was becoming much more willing to enforce her will over me. I recall vividly one time that she spanked me very, very hard for what I saw as a minor issue. I don’t remember the spanking itself very well. What I remember is that I was surprised at how hard she had spanked me and, again, feeling unsteady physically and emotionally as I pulled my pants up, like the ground had shifted under me. 

 

In both those instances, feeling so concretely one’s own disempowerment and loss of autonomy wasn’t pleasant. “Disquieting” is the best word I can come up with, though “humbled” would also be part of it.

 

 

However, that feeling of disquiet was, in the coming days, enhanced—not replaced—with an increased admiration and respect for her personal power and authority.

 

I felt a deference to her that I sure as hell never felt for any boss at work, and it had something to do with her expressing her power regardless of how I felt about it.  

 

Yet, a few nights ago, as we had a discussion about what increased “strictness” would look like, the archetype that seemed to resonate for both of us was that of a boss. 

 

Bosses don’t need to be mean or nasty. But, good ones have a confident demeanor that lets everyone know they are in charge.  They set the rules and can be rigorous in enforcing them.  They know that sometimes an employee needs to be kept on a tight leash and subjected to progressive discipline until they get their act together. They can, and at times should, make an employee nervous, or at least very conscious of their place.

I could give her concrete examples of being strict but, in the end, it wasn’t easy to articulate because so much of it is about attitude.

 

I want her to treat me in a way that displays that she believes to her core that she is in charge of my discipline and that, while we may make major decisions together, she has unlimited authority where my behavior is concerned.  It’s about not just exercising power, but knowing inside that she has it, to such an extent that it kind of radiates.

 

It's about both of us accepting that she is the authority in the relationship, as DD put it. 

 

That’s how “seeing her in a new or different light” plays out for us and what we are consciously trying to grow and reinforce.

 

How about you?  Has the DD relationship as a whole, or some particularly strong show of authority or especially painful spanking, caused you to see her in a different light?  Has she come to see herself in a different light? How so?

 

I hope you have a great week.

Warnings and Threats to Head Off a Spanking (Meeting 522)

“In spite of warnings, change rarely occurs until the status quo becomes more painful than change.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

I hope you all had a good week. Mine was fairly tame, other than another damn injury that required another trip to the doctor’s office.  I feel like I’m living in that place these days. I remember with fondness when I used to bounce rather than break.  

 

We had a good discussion last week about being spanked for attitude.  It seems to be a major reason many of you get disciplined.

I’m mostly in Alan’s camp, believing that it should be a significant part of our DD relationship but recognizing that, at least for issues related to temper, a “cooling off” period may be important. However, I think it's also important for Anne to maintain the position that even if I'm right to be angry about something, I better not direct that anger at her, or there will be consequences.

Though, too much cooling off and it’s one of those things that is likely to be dropped entirely.  After alluding to my attitude issues on the recent motorcycle trip, I had strongly considered going beyond blogging about it and, instead, suggesting to Anne that a spanking for it would be appropriate. I really was angry about my anger. It felt like something that needed to be corrected. But, I waited too long, and the moment seemed to pass.  

 

Yet, here it is, a couple of weeks later, and I do still see the behavior itself as a problem. In the post, I think I referred to it as juvenile.  In a comment on the post Norton used the word “childish” to describe similar behavior on his part:

 

My GF has not had to deal with me being snippy with her, as it just doesn't happen. We haven't argued much, and she has learned to stop any argument simply by saying "Are you arguing with me?" By asking me that, she is letting me know that if I persist, I am in for an immediate spanking. The main issue I had was, when I lost things, I would get irrational, which falls into the category of childish behavior. She soon learned that by giving me a hard spanking, I would calm down. These days I go slower, and don't tend to lose things as often. When I do, I try not to react immediately, and it helps knowing that if I do, I absolutely will get a spanking . . .. After losing my wallet a few times, she told me I would get a disciplinary spanking if I lost it again, which I never did. To me, it seems that an immediate spanking is appropriate for any childish behavior. This plays into the maternal aspects of spanking and F/M DD.

 

Merk Smith responded:

 

In our rather lax DD relationship, I get "do you need a spanking?" far more often than I'm actually spanked. There is something deeply ingrained in my pysche which means that those words basically act like a Hard Reset on a computer... I stop what I'm doing immediately. Sometimes I'm spanked later for it, but I never say yes, and I never continue with the behaviour that prompted the question. I'd like to check if she would by continuing sometimes, but I just can't do it (and I'm sure that she would actually spank...).

 

Alan picked up this refrain regarding intervening “threats” versus immediate spankings:

 

Thinking about these “threats”, it's surprising we have not discussed them more. They probably comprise a high proportion of discipline in the average DD relationship, more than a few years old. I am estimating about this, but I do estimate that for every punishment spanking I receive, there are at least five or six threats or warnings. And they do work. Other than temper, discussed earlier, she can back me down almost every time by the proverbial “do you need a spanking or do I need to text Ann (her sister).” These warnings from her are credible - she rarely threatens without backing it up. And they have the effect on me of eroticizing discipline without the physical and emotional turmoil of actually being spanked. My premise is that most women in a DD relationship have found out how effective spanking can be -but would rather not need to spank if she can achieve her objective (obedience and harmony) without spanking. Hence, the frequency of threats and warnings. Am I right about this, or is my experience not the norm?

 

I really don’t know whether a large ratio of threatened spankings to actual ones is the norm or whether wives often prefer the threat to the real thing. Hence, this week’s topic.

 

Alan is right that we don’t talk about this one a lot.  I think I’ve done threats/warnings as a full topic only a couple of times in 10+ years, the most recent about two years ago.  That topic also was initiated by a reader comment, from some anonymous someone raising points similar to Alan’s:

 

Dan, something I am curious about is the role of warnings and spanking threats in DD relationships. My wife threatens spankings more often than she actually gives them. I guess that’s because she has found that just threatening or warning me has the effect that she desires, so she doesn’t have to follow through. I haven’t seen much discussion from other guys about warnings and threats, so I wonder whether that is a unique feature of DD at our house. Maybe I am more responsive to threats than most guys?

 

It is kind of surprising that it doesn’t come up more often.  So many of us began our journey into DD with the Disciplinary Wives Club, and one of the most memorably pictures from the website involved an unheeded warning resulting in a spanking.

 

 

Yet, for us warnings have not played a big role, though that may be changing.  What has been more typical for us is she would announce a spanking was in my future but, for one reason or another, it wouldn’t actually happen.  I don’t really see those as “warnings” or “threats” properly understood, however, even if they may have a similar impact in terms of bringing me up short and reminding me of possible consequences.

 

Things may be changing on that front, however, and in a way that is a bit different from the typical situation in which some small bad behavior is observed and then the wife tries to head it off or keep it from escalating. 

 

 

A couple of weeks ago, Anne called out of the blue to tell me about an issue one of our adult kids needed help with and was kind of upset about.  Anne told me expressly that, because the kid was already upset, I should be sure to be constructive and measured in my response . . . or I could expect a spanking.

 

Now, this was a pretty pedestrian situation and not one where there was any reason to think I wouldn’t behave constructively. So, I was a little offended at first.  Yet, I kind of get it.  I’ve learned from feedback at work that I can sometimes come off as more gruff than I intend, and it sometimes intimidates people even when that’s not at all how I perceived my words or demeanor.

 

And, although part of me was slightly offended, another part of me was turned on by her taking control like that.  In fact, I think it was more of a turn-on because there was so little objective basis for the warning.  Rather, she subjectively determined that there might be an issue, and she proactively threatened a spanking to make sure she got me aligned with her concern.

 

In fact, I told her later that I thought what she did fit perfectly with our recent discussions about me needing/wanting an elevated level of strictness. When we talked about what “stricter” looked like, I struggled a bit to define it. I fell back on certain archetypes of strictness, like teachers, principals and, of course, some mothers.   

 

That’s why, though Norton’s quote above talks about childish behavior deserving an immediate spanking, I was more intrigued by how a warning about what would happen if he lost his wallet again changed his behavior immediately.  That seemed very maternal to me.

 

I think I associate warnings with maternal discipline even more than I do spankings, because warnings were far more common than actual spanking growing up.  As I’ve said, my parents weren’t big on actual discipline of any sort, yet I distinctly remember many threats of being spanked.  It was a fairly regular occurrence.

 

It also wasn’t at all uncommon for parents to make those kinds of threats in public, and they were effective because everyone knew they were credible.

 

As an adult, that doesn’t seem to happen quite as openly, but I suspect many of you can share examples of not-so-veiled threats.

 

Aunt Kay’s husband has talked about how she would warn him in public that he was coming dangerously close to a spanking:

 

Often she would, if we were in public settings, subtly make a gesture on her palm indicating "that's one." It was her counting to "three," which was a definite point of no return. I didn't make a game of her getting to "two". But if she did, I was very vigilant to avoid "three."

 

Anne has, from time to time, pantomimed a spanking motion over a dinner table to warn me about behavior. But, it’s almost too light a warning to really get my attention. For me, to really get my attention, the warning needs to be verbal and explicit, preferably with a clear statement that unless I do, or stop doing, something a spanking will result. And, if I do choose to cross the line she set, she should leave me with a crystal clear understanding of what happens next.

The only other time I can think of Anne giving a warning that had those elements was during a Christmas brunch two or three years ago. She asked me to help with something and, having had a couple of glasses of champagne, instead of doing it I made some smart remark. She too had had a couple of glasses of champagne, which is probably why she felt comfortable responding with, “Or, I could just spank you and then you can do what I asked.”  I don’t think anyone overheard, but she said it loudly enough that it was certainly possible.

 

 

Personally, although I know I wouldn’t like it at the time, I would welcome Anne being more aggressive and proactive with warnings and threats.  Clearly, there are times when my behavior is trending in a bad direction, and a timely warning might nip that in the bud. 

 

Now, an obvious question is, even if warnings are effective at changing behavior, do they scratch the same itch for those of us who asked for DD relationships because we thought we needed actual spankings?  And, do they meet the wife's need to impose actual consequences for behavior she's seen way too many times?

 

Honestly, I’m not entirely sure. For me, warnings seem to scratch a separate but related itch.  I was drawn to the DWC and DD because of a need for accountability and boundaries.  For substantial bad behavior, i.e. something that causes me guilt or that I feel I need to change because it's having a negative impact on me or others, my need for accountability requires a spanking. 

 

But, my need for boundaries can be served, at least in part, by a warning that a spanking is coming if I continue my present course. A strong verbal warning serves as an imposed boundary, even if it isn't quite as solid a message as a spanking.  But, for it to be credible, the jump from warning to action can't be too uncertain or attenuated.

I’ve also come to appreciate that my need for DD spankings is an expression of my more fundamental need for imposed authority, especially female authority. Although a spanking is one (very painful) way of experiencing her exercise of such authority, a warning conveys a similar message and, given that warnings can happen more often and more openly, it serves to highlight that her authority is a daily reality as opposed to something exercised on a less frequent basis.

 

And, when the time comes for warnings to be replaced with a trip over her knee, the message conveyed by her bath brush might be enhanced by a strong verbal reminder that she did, in fact, warn me and, therefore, I got myself into this mess because of my behavior and because I ignored opportunities to straighten up before the spanking became necessary.  A pointed reminder along those lines would help me take responsibility on a deeper level and would reinforce that warnings and spankings aren't an either/or proposition. If the former happened, then the spanking should be especially hard, and I have no one to blame for that but myself.

 So, what role do threats and warnings play in your DD relationship?

 

Are they something the wives uses commonly?  If not, do you wish that were a bigger part of your dynamic?

 

Or, is it the converse – she warns too often and it would be better if she went for the immediate spanking instead?

 

If warnings are a part of your dynamic, does she ever warn you in public? Are those warnings more a coded signal, or something more explicit? Has she ever given you a warning that you are sure has been overheard by others? Was the warning obvious enough that others would understand exactly what was going to happen to you if you didn't toe the line?

 

For any wives who are lurking but would like to participate, do you commonly issue warnings or threats before resorting to an actual spanking?  If so, is it one warning then on to the spanking, or do you have a longer fuse than that?  Do you find the use of warnings and threats empowering or confidence-building? Are there different or more severe consequences for him ignoring a warning?

 

Before we go, one housekeeping matter: We are tied up next weekend, so there is a high probability I won’t be posting next week.

 

Have a great week.

Spanked for Temper, Irritability, and Attitude (Meeting 521)

“You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger.” - Gautama Buddha

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

Once again, before we get started, I would like to thank the Disciplinary Wives who have recently joined us and to extend an invitation to all others who may be inclined to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We like having you around.

 

I hope you all had a great week.  I’ve spent mine recovering and catching up on things after my recent motorcycle trip.  Those longer trips tend to stay on my mind, as the style of riding we were doing (adventure motorcycles, aka ADVs) almost always involves some hairy on and off-bike moments, and there were long, long segments on this one where your attention had to be focused all the time, with no real breaks.  And, while the riding is fun, it’s also exhausting.  It’s a prescription for bringing out my irritability after several days of hard riding and rough sleeping.

 

 

Therefore, some recent comments here about irritability and temper were well-timed in providing a basis for this week’s discussion.

 

A new commenter, George, recounted a recent bout of snippy, attitude-laden behavior:

 

“I recently had something happen that concerned me enough to wake me in the middle of the night. My wife and I were running an errand at a home store for my sister-in law who cannot get around easily and I simply did not want to be there. Just after we parked and before we went into the store, she turned to me and asked me what I was angry about. I told her I had no idea what she was talking about because I thought I had hidden my inner thoughts pretty well. She came back to me with you always get "that look" when you don't want to be doing something. As we got out of the car I just went quiet and went into the store thinking I had been wronged somehow and did a cold shoulder the whole way through the store. Once we got back out and into the car, she said to me that I embarrassed her she really hates when I'm in that "mood". After a short time, I apologized for acting that way and I didn't mean to upset her. This happens a occasionally especially when I am trying to do something I think is important and she needs my help. Many times, after I snap at her, she will be hurt and things will be very quiet for a day or so until I apologize. I don't apologize immediately because I feel I'm in the right in the moment. Afterward I always find myself apologizing. But, it doesn't feel complete enough.”

 

I replied that I too sometimes cop an attitude when asked to do things that I don’t want to do or that require me to take my attention away from something I would prefer to be doing.  And, his comment about how an apology “doesn’t feel complete enough” really resonated with me.  At the very core of my attraction to DD is a need to be held accountable in a way that leaves the other person feeling like they ensured that I was really sorry, preferably to such an extent that I avoid copping a similar attitude in the future.

 

 

TG concurred, saying:

 

“This kind of unreasonable snappishness is the number one thing that I encourage my wife to punish for. It works. I’ve caught myself sometimes with that mood rising and had the thought of the punishment pull me back down before it even gets started.”

 

TG’s and my comments led George to expand a bit more on how spanking imposes a level of accountability that ends things in a way that feels quite different from merely apologizing, regardless of how sincere the apology might be:

 

“You have both hit the nail on the head! It's ACCOUNTABILITY that I need. Yes it’s okay that I apologize, and I always do. But, even as I am offering the apology, I am thinking, "Well that was easy." I need to be held accountable so this doesn't keep happening. Because each time it does, it pushes us just a little further apart, and that's the thought that woke me at 3AM. Just like TG says, I should have an immediate consequence for my actions. That's what punishment is all about. From an unpleasant consequence comes the discipline to take a breath, and not snap at a perfectly reasonable request.”

 

This discussion happened a day after my motorcycle excursion ended, and it felt connected. During last year’s trip, I was in a surly mood for much of it, but I had the excuse that I’d injured myself on the first day and was in a lot of pain throughout.  On this trip, my attitude was a lot better until the final day.  I was pretty much out of gas (metaphorically) at that point. There was a long but really pretty section that lasted a couple of hours.  Then, near the very end of the trip, the route planners threw in a very nasty section that, after a couple of hard falls, spoiled what had been feeling like a great way to end the trip.

 

I didn’t direct my anger at the person I was riding with, but I made it clear what I thought of the route planners and, generally, threw a short little temper tantrum before starting up that section, then really threw a fit after going down and incurring some (minor) injuries to myself and the bike.

 

Almost immediately after we got past that section, I started feeling embarrassed and pissed at myself for the way I vented my frustration.  Like I said, I don’t think I directed any of it at my riding companion, but I certainly directed it near him, and it all felt pretty juvenile.  I went from feeling angry at the group that constructs these routes, to anger at myself for expressing that anger in the way I did.

After the fact, it led to some interesting thoughts about what it would be like to have an empowered traveling companion who might have dropped my pants then and there.

 

Over the 20+ years of our DD, Anne has never focused on spanking for things like a bad attitude or temper, even when directed at her.  Although there may have been others, the only instance I can really think of happened last year, when I got testy over an event she planned with a friend.  The details aren’t important, but it led to an exchange the next day that, at the time, felt like a huge move forward in her taking control of our communications.  She calmly led me through a series of pointed, cross-examination style questions confirming that I had blown up at her; without any real warning; and, in a situation in which she couldn’t read my mind and had no reason to know how I felt about things.  In prosecutor style, she led me to the inevitable admission that, yes, my temper tantrum—whether justified or not—was not an acceptable means of communicating; and, yes, it had been unfair to direct it at her; and, yes, I deserved a spanking for it.

 

 

Although I accept at face value TG’s statement that being spanked for snippiness and temper works, the issue I would foresee in my case is that when my temper hits, it hits fast.  I’m not a “slow burn” kind of guy, and I’m not confident that I could feel it coming on in time to prevent it, as TG describes.

 

 

Yet, I don’t know for sure that the prospect of a hard spanking might not, in fact, give me just enough pause to cut off a bad reaction before it happens. When Anne was stepping things up substantially, I definitely did start watching my actions more closely, including my communications which can tend to snark and sarcasm.

 

Also, while I do think some personality attributes—like how prone we are to temper flares—are at least somewhat hardwired, that doesn’t mean we don’t have some ability to change some of those traits with real effort.  I recently read a book called “Me, But Better", in which the author/journalist engaged in an experiment to try to change her scores on the “Big 5” personality components (openness to new experiences, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism). 

 

She was somewhat surprised at the extent to which she was able to change some negative behaviors tied to her personality traits and, in the process, change her scores on the relevant personality tests. Of the “Big 5” traits, things like temper flares or, in George’s case, snapping at a reasonable request, probably would fall under “agreeableness”, and the author found  that one was, in fact, fairly malleable with diligent effort.

 

So, while it would be challenging, I think it’s at least possible that Anne could fix some of my temper and moodiness with consistent effort.  For things like my flare on this trip, it would require some self-reporting on my part, but I do feel fairly motivated to make some changes in that area, and our new weekly check-in process provides a venue for reporting and discussion.

 

Why hasn’t Anne focused more on temper and attitude issues?  I’m not totally sure, but probably because they don’t happen all that frequently and seldom in her presence. But, I probably do express irritability enough that, if she were truly focused on observing and then dealing with it, plenty of opportunities to address it would arise.

I think it also may be that she has not quite made the mental leap to consistently seeing herself not just as wife who spanks for certain agreed-upon offenses but also as a maternal figure who can and should spank in order to correct things like temper and irritability, which when expressed are basically a form of bad manners that mothers historically would have no problem correcting, including bad manners and poor behavior that don't happen in front of her but come to her attention. 

 

 As George suggests, irritability and temper can have a pernicious impact on a relationship.  And, expressing temper to people like my riding buddy can, even if not directed toward them, result in a loss of respect or embarrassment.

 

How about you?  Do you get punished for temper, irritability, or bad attitude?  What situations are most likely to trigger the problem?  How promptly and how diligently is it addressed?  Does your wife correct you for it only if it’s something she witnesses?  How successful has it been in getting you to think and back down before a temper tantrum occurs or you vent your irritability or bad attitude?

One Incident, Multiple Spankings (Meeting 520)

“A failure establishes only this, that our determination to succeed was not strong enough.” - Christian Nestell Bovee

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

Once again, before we get started, I would like to thank the Disciplinary Wives who have recently joined us and to extend an invitation to all others who may be inclined to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We like having you around.

 

I hope you all had a good week.  Mine was every bit the adventure I had planned.  Every muscle in my body aches, and I have PTSD just thinking about sitting my ass on a motorcycle seat, but this too shall pass.  And, this was the first longer trip I've done since one last June, which resulted in a significant injury.  This time, both body and bike got through it mostly in one piece.

 

Before we get started with a new topic, I wanted to highlight one from the last post, which addressed the timing of any scolding/lecture.  Here is the full comment, from an anonymous poster (which we know I discourage -- please use some name or initials to identify yourself):

"My wife employs a two-stage spanking process that has proven effective for us. The first stage is a hard, focused spanking designed to break down my ego and bring me to a state of contrition and humility. This initial phase isn’t about the specific rule I broke but rather about reminding me of my place in our relationship and her authority. It’s intense and leaves me emotionally and physically vulnerable, which sets the stage for what comes next.

After this first spanking, she has me kneel in front of her for a lecture. At this point, I’m in a receptive frame of mind—humbled and open to truly hearing her. She uses this time to clearly explain why the behavior was unacceptable, how it affected her or our relationship, and what she expects moving forward. The kneeling reinforces the power dynamic and keeps me focused on her words. This lecture isn’t rushed; she takes her time to ensure the message sinks in.

Once the lecture is complete, the spanking resumes for the second stage. This part is the actual punishment for the specific rule I broke. It feels different from the first half—more purposeful, as it’s directly tied to the behavior we just discussed. The combination of the initial humbling, the lecture, and the concluding punishment creates a powerful experience that leaves me both corrected and motivated to do better.

This sequence works for us because the first spanking clears away any defensiveness or ego, allowing me to absorb her lecture fully. The second spanking then reinforces the lesson, tying the physical discipline to the specific infraction. It’s a process that feels both maternal and authoritative, and it helps me internalize the correction in a way that a single spanking or a pre-spanking lecture alone wouldn’t."

Many of us have experienced the way a spanking breaks down the ego and allows us to see things from the wife's perspective.  The corollary to that is that we may go into a spanking not seeing her perspective and with our ego in full defense mode, which means a pre-spanking lecture may be resisted, albeit silently. Anonymous' two stage process would seem to solve that issue, with the first spanking designed to break or soften the ego defenses, with the second constituting the real punishment, delivered after we are fully open to her point of view. Seems pretty brilliant to me.

This week's topic relates to a spanking I received a few weeks ago for something that has been an ongoing issue.  We went out to dinner with in-laws.  My alcohol consumption at dinner was reasonable.  But, after I got home, I decided to have a few nightcaps.  Objectively, it wasn’t a huge amount.  In total it was 6 drinks, and three of those were light beer.

 

But, when I drink after a social event, I almost always feel tired and cranky the next day, because it screws up my sleep. And, it’s hard to call it “social drinking” when I’m sitting alone in my home office, watching a movie or listening to music.  I also didn't fully own up to the nightcaps when she confronted me about them.  I admitted to it pretty quickly under questioning, but not at first.

Further, I had been having a good couple of weeks, making a lot of progress in getting my health and fitness back on a better trajectory.

 

So, it’s something we both feel should be dealt with; I wasn’t surprised when she did deal with it. I mostly wanted her to.  During the spanking, she said my behavior was "disappointing", and that's how I felt about it myself.

This all happened during the week that, here on the blog, we were discussing a “zero tolerance” approach to DD.  So, this comment from Jackson proved timely:

 

“Well this is an appropriate topic for my house this week. I am sitting on a very sore bottom after receiving a prolonged session this morning. I had a great week right up until Saturday night when I got argumentative with Lauren over a chair placement in the living room while watching the Kentucky Derby with my son and Lauren.

 

It gets much worse…We were having mint juleps (Kentucky Derby) and I decided to make mine extra strong and also took a few sips out of the bottle. I also treated myself to a couple of beers earlier… so already I’m a little over my 3 limit. I didn’t go further, but later after dinner and my son and his wife had left, Lauren asked me if I had more than just the mint julep, and I don’t know why but I lied.

 

Dishonesty undermines an FLR/DD relationship in our view and is very serious business. I knew when I lied that I would come clean because I just can’t lie to her. When I did…. she was livid but couldn’t take me upstairs because she had been drinking too, and we have a hard and fast rule about no spanking if she has been drinking (safety first).

 

Well, this morning I got a long drawn-out scolding and spanking with six different brutal instruments. She broke the bath brush she was hitting so hard. She also tightened the reins up by stating that from now on any dishonesty would be met with a 4-day spanking. Now the 4-day spankings is given for dishnesty, drinking more than allowed (with accompanying poor behavior.) and name calling.

 

It’s a shame I did this too because I had a good week until Saturday night. I had only violated the 3-drink limit one day and had zero behavioral issues (no other rules broken).

 

I think from now on the punishments will be as bad as what she did this morning. She is very comfortable in her role now.

 

I asked Jackson for more details about their 4-Day rule. He responded:

 

The 4 day is something we came up with in our dynamic to address particularly egregious behavior (in her eyes). Of course, she has the power to change the rules at any time. Right now a 4 day is called for when I drink more than allowed AND that drinking is coupled with breaking other rules such as being sloppy, argumentative or interrupting.

 

The 4-Day is particularly severe because She is usually angry. Discipline is always a Real Punishment session designed to break me and push me down into complete and total submisssion to Her.

 

One thing I’ve noticed (I have received only 2) is that unlike a regular single day spanking there is no feeling of relief after. The guilt stays. The anger lingers for Her. The finality is not there until that 4th spanking. Also, not to worry if you cannot manage to do 4 consecutive days. On both of ours I was traveling mid-week, so we did Sunday and Monday and then Friday and Saturday. This was particularly awful since we still did our weekly check in on Sunday and She didn’t let me off the hook or go lightly on Sunday….Yes…be careful before you ask, and there is no going back. AND She might decide to add to the list of infractions that require a 4-day as Lauren has. I currently get a 4 day for name calling (I have not done this in 2 years since we started FLR/DD), drinking more than allowed with other rules broken and now dishonesty. I don’t think I’ll ever lie again. It really pisses her off.

 

I asked him to expand on whether the pain increased substantially over the four days. He explained:

 

“Dan…The pain factor for me is progressively worse but only slightly until the 4th day…by day 4 it seems like every swat is pretty excruciating until the numbness sets in and there I just get quiet, lay there and take it…it still hurts but the numbness has set in and so have the endorphins.”

 

I questioned Jackson at such length because (a) after failing yet again on my “no nightcaps after socializing” thing, I was thinking about how it might be treated more seriously in order to give me a bigger incentive to change; and (b) Anne and I have never done more than two days in a row for the same offense, and that has happened only a very small handful of times.

 

 

This wasn’t the first time that multiple spankings covering several days had come up on the blog, but it hasn’t been that often. I did find this one from DWC Fred:

 

“Ann has only spanked me for “big” things three times in recent years. Each resulted in multiple spankings spanning several days.

 

Once it was for being upset with her and expressing myself and carrying on badly. A couple of days later I apologized, and we spoke about it. I was in tears because of how I had spoken to her and made her feel.

 

After our discussion, she sentenced me to a spanking every day, for four days. They were horrible. From day two on, I was crying as I pulled down my pants and had difficulty calling Ann to tell her I was ready.

 

Four days in a row is a whole new ballgame, both from an emotional perspective and the pain perspective. Anticipating the increased pain and the additional embarrassment of crying from the time I pulled down my underwear and getting out of control by the time Ann was done spanking made days two, three, and four successively worse.

 

I’ve never repeated any of those offenses.”

 

I still recall the first time I read it, the phrase “I was crying as I pulled down my pants and had difficulty calling Ann to tell her I was ready” hit me especially hard.

 

As I said, spankings across several days for a single offense haven’t come up that often. I also couldn’t find many spanking drawings/captioned photos alluding to them.

 

What was much more common were multiple spankings on the same day or across multiple days as an especially severe punishment for doing the same bad act multiple times.  One of the first times I recall encountering those scenarios was also, as I learned later, by DWC Fred and it was posted on the DWC in the form of the “How I am Spanked” story in the Real People section.  It included these sections describing how severe such a set of spankings can be and how they hit emotionally:

 

My wife and I have been married for 27 years.  When I’m pulling down my underwear to prepare for a shower, I don’t feel anything.  When we’re being amorous, I’m aroused.  When I’m pushing down those briefs before a spanking, I am again 10 years old, knowing that as soon as they are down and my bottom is bare that I am seconds from my bottom being on fire.  Then I bend over.

 

Part of the spanking is yielding control.  When I bend over, with my legs spread over the corner of our bed, with pillows under my middle, my bottom crack opens up and the most intimate places on my body are on display.  I am beginning to be humbled.

 

When the spanking starts there is no warm up.  There is no attempt to get me used to it or make it easier to give a longer spanking.  This is punishment, meant to hurt, meant to leave marks, and meant to leave me crying and sobbing.

 

My last spanking, on Wednesday, was intended to be very severe, because it was something for which I have been badly spanked several times.  She decided that I would get 100 with our frat paddle, 200 with our wooden spoon, 300 with our small paddle with holes, and 400 with our bath brush.  These were not done all together.

 

He goes on to describe getting four separate spankings across the course of the day.  And, his spankings were spread out with three to four hours in between, which probably left plenty of time for the numbness to go away.

 

 

I’ve noticed that some of the websites/blogs that have ripped off the DWC website omit this story, probably because it depicts something of such severity.

 

Yet, it does seem to me there is a place for spankings like Jackson and DWC Fred describe, either for particularly bad behavior or for a series of incidents involving the same behavior, which the wife has tried to correct with single spankings but to no avail.

 

 

Having never experienced either scenario, I’m not sure what would be worse – multiple spankings on the same day, or multiple spankings spread out over three or four days.

 

I have been spanked two days in a row and, honestly, I was surprised when the second didn’t hurt exponentially more than the first.  But, I don’t recall whether the pain lasted much longer than from a single spanking. I suspect it did, but the last time was a few years ago, and I don't remember the details.

 

As I was writing this, it occurred to me that two spankings in one day were not uncommon all that long ago, at least in one particular context: getting spanked at school and getting a second one, just as hard or harder, at home that night.  

 

Although I didn’t personally experience it, I do recall that being the rule in many households when I was growing up. The school was, in fact, happy to facilitate it by sending a note home informing the parents of the spanking at school, which had to be signed and returned.

That would be hard to replicate as an adult, though I did find this captioned photo that suggested something like it, though you’ll all need to imagine the details underlying it:

 

 

I also was interested in Jackson’s observation that when a 4-day spanking was in play, there was no closure until after the last day.  I don’t know whether that would happen for my wife.  She doesn’t tend to stay angry for very long, and the fact is she’s generally not really angry about things like having too many drinks at night.  It’s more like mild disappointment, or just a business-like, practical belief that there needs to be a consequence for that kind of non-social drinking. 

 

As for any lack of closure I would experience, it seems like that would be kind of the point. The whole reason for dragging it out over a number of days would be to keep it front of mind longer and drive it deeper into the psyche so the memory of it would be more likely to nip future incidents in the bud.

 

How many of you have experienced multiple spankings for the same incident, whether in one day or over the course of multiple days? Did you find each spanking after the first harder and harder to take? Was your emotional reaction similar to what Fred describes, with an increasing sense of dread after day 1 both, in anticipation of the pain and also perhaps knowing that you might cry or embarrass yourself more?  Did one or more of the spankings, in fact, result in tears when you usually don't cry, or perhaps real sobbing instead of only a few tears? Did the message stay with you longer?

 

For the wives (or the husbands answering for them), what's her attitude during a multi-day spanking process? Is it as Jackson said - that she stays angry or annoyed until the end?  O does she, in sympathy, end up taking it easier on him at some point? Does it feel like a chore, or is there a certain satisfaction, even pleasure, in it? 

 

I'm never sure whether the people who do spanking drawings and captioned photos are predominantly men or women, but it occurred to me as I was choosing items for this post, a prevalent theme is the women not feeling the least bit sorry when delivering such a hard, but well-deserved, punishment. In fact, the subjects are made to seem like they are reveling in it.

 

Although we haven't done it (yet), I strongly suspect Anne would feel zero need to be merciful. It has nothing to do with being evil or sadistic. 

 

Rather, once she's decided something needs to be dealt with strongly, she doesn't seem to have any problem doing exactly that. In fact, I could see her feeling like she's giving me something that I've desperately needed--or at least had coming--for a long time.

For those who haven’t experienced it, is it something you think she should be prepared to do for tenacious bad habits or things she feels especially strongly about?  How do you think she would feel about it?  Have you asked or, like me, are you more than a little reluctant to go there?

 

Have a great week.