“Be at war with your vices, at peace
with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man.” – Benjamin Franklin
Hello all. Welcome back to the last meeting of the
Disciplinary Couples Club for 2018.
I hope you all had a great
Christmas. Ours was good. In some ways, it seemed like a "smaller" holiday. Less busyness. Slightly less running around from party to party. And, smaller but more personal gifts. And, I
like that. One of my siblings who is
going through a rough time financially got me something that didn't cost much but was meant a lot to me. And, one of my
kids decided to get me a gadget I had said I didn’t really want. She ignored my uninformed inclinations, and apparently knew me better than I
know myself because it turns to out be one of the coolest gadgets I've gotten in a long time. I also got a meaningful DD-related gift that I won't specify, but the giver knows what I am referring to. It was much appreciated, though I'm not sure I will be "enjoying" it in 2019!
Looking back on 2018, it was
a pretty good year, if I ignore the career front. That aspect of 2018 was mediocre at best,
with much more involuntary downtime than I’m usually comfortable with. Yet, I
didn’t get too wigged out about it, which is itself progress. And, while I tend to process too much of my
life through the career lens, when I take a step back and really ask whether
2018 was a good year, it undoubtedly was.
While our progress stalled mid-year, on the DD and FLR front my wife
really did step it up significantly in the first half of the year, and
hopefully she will get back on track once kids clear out after the
holidays. Our kids are all healthy and
doing well on their chosen school/career paths.
From a health perspective, this time last year I was convalescing from
an injury and in a chronic bad mood due to lack of sleep caused by ongoing pain
from said injury. Full recovery took way longer
than I expected, but I’m finishing out 2018 stronger and healthier than I was
in 2017, and slightly ahead of where I was in 2016. At my age, doing better
than holding steady is itself a surprising accomplishment. While it was not a smooth ride for everyone
in our extended family, all of them are
still with us as we head into 2019 and their momentary setbacks now look like blessings
in disguise. We also have some aging furry friends that are more like family than
pets. I was pretty sure more than one of them would not see the end of 2018, yet while things
are getting harder for them, all are still with us.
So, while New Years is
supposed to be about resolutions, it also should be a time to reflect on the
year that was and give thanks for what we accomplished and received and gave
back. In that light, 2018 was, if not an unqualified success, at least much
better than other very possible alternatives.
But, back to those resolutions. Elizabeth had suggested each husband commit to one, and I
generally do end each year or kick off the new one with a list of my own resolutions.
Last year, I kind of punted, saying that I wanted the year to be generally
about “balance,” and while far, far from perfect, I do think I made some small
progress in that, as demonstrated by the fact that it was not a great
year for us from a career and financial perspective, yet I didn’t wig out nearly
as much about that as would have in years past.
Though, it is a little depressing, every year I run this New Years post
and see that while some things get better, there are definitely a lot of
"fails." Since I punted last year, let’s
compare where we are in December 2018 on those things I has listed as
resolutions for 2016 . . .
GENERAL RESOLUTIONS
- Fewer Saturdays spent regretting my Friday work-related socializing [AT BEST – SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN 2017]
- Learn to better control my temper at work [BETTER – THOUGH I LOST GROUND NEAR YEAR-END. LOTS OF ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT]
- Nurture those important relationships, both work and personal, that sometimes don't get the time or attention they deserve [MIXED – WORSE ON SOME FRONTS BUT BETTER IN ODD CONTEXTS]
- Exit 2018 in better physical shape than I entered into it, as measured by pant size, blood pressure, strength and endurance [MIXED, THOUGH SOME IMPROVEMENT]
DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE
RESOLUTIONS
- Self-report any infractions at least weekly [FAIL]
- Empower my wife to grow in her disciplinary authority [OK]
- During spankings, instead of "taking it like a man," try hard to let go all ego and control, surrendering totally to her authority. Let loose and really cry during a spanking. [FAIL]
- Do a two-day boot camp to focus on our DD and FLR relationship [FAIL]
As I said when closing out
one of these posts a few years ago, given the way the “successes” and “failures” of each year meander and take such
unexpected twists, each year ultimately must be judged only in the rearview mirror. And, while often fail in the specifics, more general progress is made. Therefore, I will
once again keep things "thematic" this year, leaving the details to work
themselves out.
RESOLUTIONS: 2019
- Self-Reporting: I will pick up the resolution that Alan said he should make but won’t. I feel like my failure to carry through on this has been a major impediment to me becoming more humble and her becoming more authoritative. I’m still mulling how to make this one concrete, but it will be the #1 priority for our DD life.
- Empowering Her: Again, this is a little too thematic, but I need to find ways to help my wife pick up where she left off in mid-2018 and move things substantially forward from there in terms of her status. Early last year, after reading the book The Hesitant Mistress, she made some really big progress on taking on and exercising more authority and power. I’m not sure how exactly to measure this, but I want to leave 2019 with her authority on more open display and on a much more solid ground so we don’t move forward then hit a wall as happened this year.
- Crying: Let loose and really cry during a spanking. Perpetually on the list, but hope springs eternal.
[Yeah, I know the date is wrong on that caption, but I don't have a clue how to change it.]
So, please take up Elizabeth's challenge and tell us about any DD or FLR resolutions or goals you have for 2019. I hope you make it an awesome, consequential, and meaningful year!
How about if every disciplined hubby make a New Year's resolution and post it here as well as share it with his wife? A challenge!
ReplyDeleteElizabeth
Great minds . . . I usually have a New Years post focused on resolutions, but I failed to resolve to get it done yesterday! Perhaps tonight, In any event, folks should feel free to begin by taking up your challenge, and I’ll eventually gettting around to an actual post.
DeleteI have been informed that may New Years Resolution is to lose weight and get in shape! I am allowed to eat what I want for the next few days before my girlfriend is in her words "putting me on a diet and exercise regime and making sure I stick to it" I could do with losing some weight to be fair!
ReplyDeleteI offer a resolution I won’t make but should make: I resolve to self-report more often and more promptly behavioral issues that might result in discipline. I am not going to make that resolution because it would utterly fail and I know it. There is something in my make-up that only makes this all work if she alone exercises the authority and makes the decision to discipline and self-reporting feels to me like sentencing myself to punishment. Here is a perfect and recent example. A few days ago after a party with friends I brought my drink into the bedroom. This is strictly forbidden and always punished with a spanking and usually a loss of some privileges so I normally don’t do it. But this time she did not discover it and I was not punished and did not self-report as I should have. Do I feel guilty? Yes, a little. But not enough to self-report and get punished. My wife is aware I don’t self-report and is fine with it as long as I never challenge her authority when she exercises it and always promptly accept a spanking when she makes the decision to administer one. I think there is also in self-reporting an aspect of “topping from above” because you are putting your wife in the position of enforcing a rule and issuing punishment when she might prefer otherwise
ReplyDeleteAlan
I wanted to clarify my point above. Failing to self report punishable behavior does not mean overt lies of any sort. Years ago when we were working on smoking she would almost daily ask me if I had smoked or had been disobedient.I always answered truthfully and too often ended up over her lap babbling incoherently because I did own up. So a wife can easily tighten the controls if she interrogates or sets up regular behavior reviews ( smoking was a daily issue then , so daily interrogation worked best). But answering honestly when she is exerting her authority is different than self reporting to me and much more consistent with the F/M dynamic
DeleteAlan
Hi Alan, I agree that in an ideal world, the "sentencing yourself" element would not be a part of the equation. But, conversely, I know that part of the reason I don't self-report diligently is it is inherently humbling and part of me is really resistant to that. So, while I agree that "topping from below" can be a problem and, in an ideal world, I want my control over the process reduced, I think self-reporting may need to be an exception because: (a) I think the lack of it IS a real impediment to us taking things to the next level; and (b) for me, part of the value in DD is humbling me and reducing my ego, and I think that the presence of ego and pride is a big factor in why I don't diligently report.
DeleteThis is Elizabeth. I think that you all can think about keeping a journal a little differently than "sentencing myself." My husband has to make a list and present it to me once a week. If he doesn't do that, he is punished. In addition, the list must be complete. If I notice something that is not on it, he is punished. That is really quite different from him sentencing himself. He is doing what I insist on. Maybe thinking about it in that manner could help you make it come true.
DeleteHi Elizabeth. I get what you are saying and agree in general with the distinction. But, I do get what Alan is saying, too. For whatever reason, some of us who are wired like this just do better when control is taken out of our hands as much as possible, and self-reporting does—for whatever reason—feel like keeping some degree of control. Now, as a practical matter, I think that’s just the way it has to work in adult relationships. But, what we crave is the note from the teacher or principal telling mom or dad we had gotten spanked and school, knowing it will mean a second one at home. And, knowing that if the note didn’t make it home, we’d get it even worse when the truth inevitably came out. I’m not arguing with your point, as I think it really does reflect the inevitable reality that getting ratted out by others is unlikely as adult, and expecting a wife to detect and deal with every offense on her own also is not realistic or helpful. But, the psychology for some of us really does seem to involve wanting to be taken as far out of the control loop as possible, while also wanting the discipline to be consistent and rigorous. I suspect you can have or the other, but not both.
DeleteHi Elizabeth
DeleteI agree lists or journals can work but you enforce and monitor his obedience and that is what makes it work. My wife and I have tried "behavior reviews" and it worked for a while but were hard to sustain. I think she prefers to tighten and loosen control over me depending on my overall behavior and her mood. But to her the important things seems to be I never challenge her authority when she exercises it and especially that I cooperate with her when she is spanking me ( no whining, no excuses, just yes ma'am ) But she can tighten control on a dime and does when she feels it necessary.My behavior and it's improvement are very important but most important is my obedience. She has told me many times she sees that as proof of my commitment to DD.
Alan
Alan, this is Elizabeth, Allen. I agree that obedience during punishment is an absolute necessity. Without that, the DD relationship would fall apart. We agreed about this early on. He was asking me to punish him, but the way in which he was punished is totally up to me, and his job is to obey and take it.
DeleteBut for us, obedience goes further. If we have agreed that he needs to change a certain behavior, then he is being disobedient when that behavior occurs. And he needs to be punished for it.
Do you currently have a behavior which your wife finds quite annoying and wishes would never occur again? Maybe you could begin by consistently reporting that. Because she very much wants it to change, and you are willing to change it. So why not use DD to do so? Same question for Dan.
The key from me is that DD makes my life easier. I don't have to fight with him about the certain behavior. My paddle does the talkin. And his behavior changes. And that makes my life easier.
Hi Elizabeth
DeleteWe do have one behavior she requires immediate reporting (must text her so she has a record). Technically there is one other but it hasn’t occurred for many years and won’t again. I will ask her your question when she returns (traveling with family). I will be surprised if she wants reporting beyond these two behaviors. But I admit the strict order to immediate report these two does work. But those are the only two behaviors she deals with that way. I don’t know how long you and Frank have been practicing DD but I know for us over many years most of my behaviors obnoxious to her have been ended by the consequences she imposed. I still sometimes fantasize remembering spankings she has administered. But I also try very hard to avoid them. She says I am “well trained” and she is right. I know what will get me in trouble and avoid it most of the time. It also takes far less discipline to motivate me. I retired lately and she added several chores I resented at first. Two punishment spankings later I perform them with enthusiasm. Once upon a time it might have taken a dozen to do the job
Alan
Here is what I don't understand, Alan. If you are so well trained that there are really no additional behaviors to report, then why did you say earlier that you ought to resolve to report "more often and more promptly behaviors that might result in discipline"?
DeleteI think many husbands have blind spots. There are behaviors that they could work on improving, but they are not very aware of what they are. That's where asking the wife to help identify those behaviors as well as enforce correction can be extremely helpful.
Elizabeth
Hi Elizabeth,
DeleteYour point is well taken and you are right about the blind spots. Reading my own comments I do sound a little too much self-satisfied with my behavior and deep down I know it’s not as good as I like to think. We are going to have a talk and I will listen to what she says about that. Not too long ago we resolved a long standing problem to which I was oblivious by listening to her. So blind spots can sneak up on you. Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom with us. Hearing your views makes me realize that if disciplinary wives had the opportunity to widely share their experience and practices with each other a lot of us would probably be a lot better behaved ( although sitting down comfortably less often)
Alan
I suggest you show her what you wrote about the resolution that you ought to make, but wont. To me that says that there are behaviors that you need to correct. Even if you don't know in your conscious mind what they are. I'm sure your wife can help you figure out what they are. I know how I would get Frank to fess up!
DeleteElizabeth
Elizabeth
DeleteYou are a natural disciplinarian who knows how to squeeze ever bit of guilt out of naughty boys. And I mean that as a compliment. You remind me of Marissa who used to post on this board and talked about her love for confession for her guy as part of correction. I think I understand the importance of that but I am not there yet.
Alan
It's interesting that you call me a natural disciplinarian, since I rarely spanked my children and had no inclination to punish my husband until he asked for it. I just want the process to be simple and effective, and we seem to have worked that out.
DeleteThat doesn’t mean you are not a natural disciplinarian. Many women are if given the opportunity to discover it. In responding to Frank’s need for discipline he gave you that opportunity. My guess is that he is from time to time shocked at how effective you are. My wife sure shocked me in the early years at the way she took control of discipline and my fantasies. It was a good shock but a real one.
DeleteAlan
Dan
ReplyDeletePeter will end the year tomorrow with a brief caning. At 12:01 am we will start the new year with the paddle.
There may be a few onlookers to both events!
Look for a detailed report in the new year.
Anna
Nice. Hope you both have a great New Years
DeleteDev says she wants to start the new year with a bang. I expect to be over her knee as the ball drops. The paddle will too. JR
ReplyDeleteGood for you both! Have a great 2019
Delete2019 is the year I get to 10% body fat, which will put right around 220lbs. Ry has a weight goal of 120lbs. I've lost 30lbs since we started DD in September. She's lost 15lbs. She has 10 to go, I have another 30.
ReplyDeleteOur dynamic is that we both discipline each other in the area of weight loss and daily chores; whereas she is the sole disciplinarian pretty much everywhere else. This includes following through on daily and weekly goals, keeping a positive attitude, and being careful while doing projects.
So our new years resolution along with the health goals is to be consistent with DD as long as it is still a useful tool. I don't know how long it will be part of our relationship, but it seems like it'll at least be around through 2019, so we'll make the most of it while it lasts.
I enjoy seeing Ry being more assertive in her opinions and feeling like she actually has options when it comes to holding me accountable.
All the best, Happy New Year!
Ez and Ry
10% is definitely ambitious. Good luck with it! Sounds like you both a very healthy, balanced view about how DD fits into things for you.
DeleteI am at 24 percent right now. She who must be obeyed expects me to get below 15. I've got a lot of work ahead of me!
DeleteI'm at about 22, which is great for a guy my age. I always want to get below 15%, but that extra 7% is just a bitch to get rid of.
DeleteDan
ReplyDeleteYou used the phrase above " Becoming more humble" it struck a cord within me.I write this one resolution .
To humble myself before and for my Anna.
Happy New Year
Peter
If you’re going to pick only one, that one seems like a good one. Happy 2019!
DeleteThis is Frank. My resolution is about swearing. I never swear in front of my wife, and she makes sure of that with heavy doses of the paddle. But at my work swearing is part of the culture and I do it on almost a daily basis. I have decided that feels hypocritical and I want it to stop so I am adding every incident of swearing to my weekly list. I imagine that I will not be sitting down very much during the first few weeks of the year.
ReplyDeleteHi Frank. I go back and forth on this one. Sometimes I think I need to get better about swearing, Other times I think that being “better at it” should connote being more creative about it, such that my swearing sets itself apart in breadth and quality from those around me who seem not to have moved beyond the same swearing we did in the 6th grade. ;-). But, please let us know how this one works out for you!
DeleteFrank, your commitment to stop swearing is fucking great.
DeleteI go back and forth on the concept of "New Year Resolutions". Part of me sees them as contrivances while another part recognizes the psychological aspect of using a calendar date as a symbolic 'fresh start' to something we already know we want to achieve. So, in that vein, I already had a long conversation with Rosa on Saturday about getting back to where we were now that I am pretty much fully back to normal from my operations. She agreed and admitted that my hernia pain and post-op situation were definite inhibitors.
ReplyDeleteAlso long before today, I vowed to be less emotionally susceptible to forces beyond my control, and while not fully there, I have made strides. I plan to continue this. Rosa also wants to have more fun n general......even if it is low-cost or free stuff. Just being more open to dropping what we're doing to head off on an adventure seems to be a major goal for her. We do it now to a degree. She just wants to do it more frequently.
Because we are open, DD is a more plastic and entwined thing for us rather than a separate aspect of who we are, so for us, just getting to a more happy and relaxed headspace will positively influence the progress of any DD activities.
Well, they are certainly contrivances, but what isn’t? I don’t see them so much as “fresh starts” but, rather, as conveniently placed measuring sticks and goal setting mechanisms. The timing is obviously pretty arbitrary. While I usually do this post around New Years, the fact is I tend to assess my own growth or lack thereof from Christmas to Christmas. Not sure why. It’s just around then that I tend to look back and ask how I did over the last several months and what I would like to do better at going forward.
DeleteRosa’s focus on cost—especially low-cost and free fun—sounds like a damn, damn good idea. Oops. Lucky that “no swearing” is Frank’s resolution and not mine. ;-)
Yeah, right? No swearing? Fuck that! ;-)
DeleteHappy New Year!
ReplyDeleteI quit "doing" resolutions about a decade ago. I do set goals though, and I'd like to think I met them.
Getting rid of toxic people in my life, and learning to love myself more were goals in the beginning of the year, and I managed them, but my heart sure did go through some pain.
Not sure about my goals going forward. Too much of my life is in limbo at the moment, and I see some awfully high mountains to climb.
Getting rid of toxic people is a great one.
DeleteGetting rid of toxic people is one of the most valuable life skills I have acquired (or developed) over the years. So big YES on that.
DeleteMy New Year's resolution is to have the sacred sound of OM humming in the back of my head 24x7.
ReplyDeleteAnd if DD finds a way to visit my life this year, it would in no way derail the background OM hum. Of course my theoretical monk-like calm would temporarily be replaced with the un-calm effects of being spanked. But soon after even deeper calm would arrive.
Fingers crossed that your DD wishes come true in 2019
ReplyDeleteAs you know, my DD wishes were already fulfilled many times over. I'm not greedy and I'm not really "wishing" per se. But if it found me because it was supposed to, well then I know the rules.
ReplyDeleteDan mentioned developing a few DD relationships in the real world as being on the plus side of his annual scorecard. I find that encouraging on several levels. First it's a wholesome development for Dan - there are definitely emotional as well as social benefits to that.
ReplyDeleteOn another level, Dan as Blog Leader does influence the rest of us. That "role" description will probably make him uncomfortable, but It comes with the territory. So when he reports any progress in expanding out of the shadows, so-to speak, it is encouraging to all. So Good work Dan!
Blog Leader? Picture me chuckling while twisting my pencil mustache, “Ah, the power!” ;-)
DeleteDan
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year to you and all our fellow travelers:
I have made one resolution for the New Year. Let me rephrase that I agreed to one resolution crafted by
Anna.
resolution is as follows:
Each night before bed i will report any infractions i feel i have committed during that day.If i fail to do so
and Anna has to ask me have i broken any agreed upon rules automatically i will get 10 with the belt.
If i forget and Anna doesn't ask i get a pass for the day. This is an experiment for a week i will report back
to you on 1/8/19.
Peter
P.S. so far i have reported. Sadly i earned 10!
Hi Dan
ReplyDeleteI for one am very interested in how your self-reporting resolution works in 2019 – especially since you made it your number one priority. If you are like me, number one priorities end up do or die goals, so good luck with it and please keep us informed. My spirited discussion with Elizabeth this week is making me begin to think a little bit different about self-reporting (although far from convinced it would work for us). It actually would be a game changer as she manages it. But I think your wife has to really buy into it as something she wants to be part of DD.
Alan
Hi Alan. As a long-time commenter, you know I am far better at making resolutions than at keeping them!
DeleteSeriously, I think that DD goals and plans fail often not because of their relative priority but because they aren’t concrete enough. So, over the next few days I need to work through how this will work in practice. Then, I need her active buy-in because, as you point out, without both parties’ real interest and buy-in, even the most concrete plan with the best intentions behind it is going to wither on the vine. More on this over the weekend.
Hi Dan,
ReplyDeleteI don’t need any new resolutions, since last year’s are all still good to go. Hahaha!
New Years resolutions are certainly a topic that fits well with DD. While I am not a huge fan of resolutions, I do think there is a lot of value in looking back, seeing what is working and not working, and planning for the future. Since New Years Day happens on a relatively regular and predictable schedule, it does seem to be a good trigger for this time of reflection and planning.
Actually, I wrote something a number of years ago exactly about resolutions and DD. I called it “a disciplined life.” It seems that most everything that I feel needs to change stems directly from my undisciplined life. If I had to make a single resolution for 2019, it would be that I want to learn how to live a more disciplined life. It would greatly reduce the stress and anxiety that I experience, and would also lower the stress of those around me as well and make our family more financially stable.
My wife was helping me with just that this last spring and it was really working. We were calling it a “boot camp,” as I am sure you remember, and it featured daily reporting (on work-related things since I am trying to develop a new product) as well as weekly check-ins (which essentially can either be maintenance if all goes pretty well or discipline/punishment if they don’t go as well). We are now getting that going again (finally) and it has been her who has been pushing to make it happen. If it does really happen regularly, I am pretty sure that 2019 will turn out to be a lot better year than 2018, though probably a bit painful at times.
We are also going to do a 2-day boot camp next week to kind of kick things off. We have been planning this for the last several weeks after finding out that our youngest would be gone for several weeks during the school break. We were more than a little surprised when we read that it was on your list of resolutions last year! I will let you know how it works out for us.
Jumping into the fray on “self-reporting,” I would have to say that it depends on the wife and her wants (after all, we are really talking about at least some level of FLR). As I mentioned above, when my wife is doing the weekly check-ins, she expects fair and honest reporting from me daily. However, during the time that we aren’t doing this, she doesn’t want or expect this. I think that if your wife is truly the one with the authority over discipline, then ultimately SHE should decide what is appropriate with regard to self-reporting.
-ZM
Dan
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year. We went to a dinner followed by a demo arranged by Laura using Peter and Ted. There were about 18 guests including a man from Berlin who makes leather paddles, whips etc. Was a lovely meal at a loft
belonging to an artist friend of Ted & Laura's. Around 11 the boys disappeared. Both knew they were to be
spanked for the gathering but neither realized that it would be the paddle maker, whose name was Andrew who
was going to being doing the spanking. I went and spoke to Peter about ten minutes before the demo was to
begin. I told him and that if he didnt want to do it i was fine with it. He thought a moment and said he didnt
want to leave Ted to take it all....Surprises all the time. When the guests were brought into the section of the loft for the demo both Ted & Peter were standing facing the walls legs spread wide hands against the wall and slightly bent over.They were blindfolded and naked. Both men took five swats with a belt and there was a pause and Andrew picked up a paddle upholstered in leather each buttock five times on Ted first. He moaned. Acould see Peter slightly aroused and at the same time nervous. When it was his turn he was fine till 4 onThe the left buttock he moaned louder than Ted had and the next swat on Peter was harder but he merely whimpered.
Andrew paused and some of the guests stepped closer to see the marks on the boys while others examined the equipment being used.
Andrew used a longer thicker paddle next six for each boy. Funny he kept calling them boys as i relate this i see i am doing the same thing. I confess it was very arousing to watch. There was a break for a rest and then each boy took what Andrew called the final ten. Using the biggest paddle that was about 12 inches long Each boy took the final ten one after another. By the 9th Ted was crying and my Peter began sobbing> I must admit it was arousing for me very arousing. Later Peter confessed it was exciting to him to be on display and well i will end this by saying later at home he was in top form. Happy New Year!
Anna
ps more about our agreement re discipline.
Anna
ReplyDeleteThis is offered with tongue firmly planted in check. But weren't you the disciplinary wife who strictly forbid lovemaking after the administration of discipline.Happy New Year to both of you
Alan