The Forum - Vol. 230 - Harder, More Often, More Strict, More Open

"We need to understand the difference between discipline and punishment.  Punishment is what you do to someone; discipline what you do for someone." Zig Zigler
 
Hello all.  I hope you all had a great week, including a happy Thanksgiving with family and friends.  Ours was nice.  Uneventful.  Kind of what I needed.  But, it got off to a rocky start.  We had a little tiff the night before.  While she "started it," my attitude was bad, and I was disrespectful, to put in mildly.  She hasn't "settled up" yet, but it's probably coming.  And, I know I deserve it.

I said a few weeks ago that, thanks to some work commitments, I anticipated slowing down postings and, perhaps, having to suspend them altogether for a while.  It didn't turn out that way.  Instead, what had been a pretty hellish pace that was destined to get worse came to an unexpected pause.  That usually sends me into a big of a tailspin, but for now I simply feel relieved.  I was getting pretty burned out, as was everyone on my team.  I'm glad that everyone may get to spend some real time relaxing over the holidays.

Even with the intervening holiday, we got a few good discussions going.  I especially appreciated one from Bart in response to my "Real Authority" post, because it gave me something new to think about regarding what brought me to this lifestyle.  Bart said he grew up in a chaotic environment, with inconsistent rules unfairly applied.  But, he also was on the receiving end of two well-deserved spankings from female authority figures, one a neighbor and one at school, which may have put him on this path.  It got me to thinking about my own upbringing.  It too was very chaotic, with few rules in general and fewer still that were actually enforced.  But, unlike Bart, I didn't ever really have a female authority figure come into my life and put me in my place.  So, while the chaos was always in the background, I never had much in the way of real experiences to compare it to.  I wonder whether that difference accounts for me developing my interest in being subject to corporal punishment much later than many who comment here.  The chaos left me craving boundaries, but unlike many others, I didn't find those real-live counter-examples that I might have come to crave, had I had anything more than an abstract notion that they existed.  When I finally stumbled across DD, it well into my thirties, and it was like a light switch suddenly turned on.  Things just weren't the same after that, and it was an immediate, profound change toward something I had never experienced before.  For the first time, I knew that I really wanted a strong hand keeping me in line and holding me accountable.

Which is what this this week's post is about.  In your own life, how strong do you want that hand to be?  Based on the poll I put up last month, apparently most of you want it harder, stricter and more open.  The poll included a binary set of options related to severity, strictness and the level of dominance you want to be subjected to.  The question, to which we got 120 responses, was phrased as, "I am in a DD relationship, and if I could change things, I wish . . ."  The results were not the least bit nuanced:

Spankings were more severe	76
Spankings were less severe	5
Spankings were more frequent	91
Spankings were less frequent	3
My partner would be more verbally strict	76
My partner would be less verbally strict	0
My partner would be more openly dominant	67
My partner would be less openly dominant	1

These results were even more one-sided than those from a similar poll we ran in 2015:

Spankings were more severe	88
Spankings were less severe	4
Discipline was more frequent	112
Discipline was less frequent	3
My partner would exercise more control over me	94
My partner would excercise less control over me	5
My partner was more openly dominant	86
My partner was less openly dominant	6

I've always cautioned that all these polls have to be taken with a very big grain of salt, as the sample sizes are limited and the people who stop by and take time to do the poll may ore may not be a representative sample of the DD community.   But, these results are so  consistently one-sided, it is hard NOT to read them as indicating a true prevailing preference.   Our Disciplined Husbands  resoundingly, overwhelmingly want their wives to do what they are doing -- only MORE SO.

This poll also has a bit of a history.  I posted it this time largely as my own little "fuck you" to a troll who loves criticizing the women in these lifestyles but who refuses to acknowledge that the men who are subject to them (a) almost universally initiated it; and (b) not only want, but affirmatively ask for, much of the rigor and strictness that he finds unjust or excessive.  The original poll from 2015, however,  resulted from a conversation I had with one of our Disciplinary Wives.  She had expressed a common concern that, while her husband said he wanted her to be more consistent and more strict in enforcing her rules, if she did so it might be ore than he bargained for and he might come to resent her if she really went "all in," letting her inner Disciplinarian really emerge.  I told her I really doubted it and that, at least for me, the best advice I saw on the old Disciplinary Wives Club was to err on the side of being strict and severe.  The men who ask for these relationships want them for a reason, even if they may not be able to identify what that reason is or where it came from.  They really, truly, want to be subject to hard, consistent discipline.  If he is feeling any disappointment in the status of the DD relationship, it is much more likely to be because his wife is not being strict enough, not being consistent enough, not being severe enough.

This seems to be a common theme among those who, for whatever reason, are drawn to being disciplined.  I've spent some time this year participating in a DD group comprised mainly of disciplined women. It seems to be the same thing there.  Most of them want more strictness. More consistency.  To be held more accountable.  More dominance in general. 

It's also interesting that, while few of us are "out" about our disciplinary relationships, virtually everyone who expressed  a preference in the poll wanted their partner to be more openly dominant, and more verbally strict.  So, while we seem to shy away from being outed, at the same time we want those verbal displays of dominance--lecturing, scolding and bossiness--and we at least say we want it to be more open and upfront.

There seem to be several takeaways for our Disciplinary Wives (and husbands of our female disciplined partners):

• He wants you in this role, and he wants it to be real.
• He wants you to be demanding.
• He wants to you to be strict.
• When he screws up, he wants you to scold.  He wants you to be direct and no nonsense.
• When it is time to deliver a spanking, he wants it to be an event to remember.

In short, if you find yourself doubting or worrying about what will happen if you begin to really take control, his concerns probably go in the exact opposite direction. The odds are very high that he wants you to be stern, he wants you to be strict, he wants you to rigorously enforce your rules.  And, he wants to pay a price when he screws up.  Therefore, if part of you really likes being in full control of your relationship and really wants to be his disciplinarian, this poll says one thing: go for it and don't look back! As always, when in doubt, communicate. If you wonder whether your particular Disciplined Husband wants "more" or "less" or is in a Goldilocks mental state of "its just right," there is an easy way to satisfy your curiosity -- ask him outright!  Based on this poll, there is a strong chance that he really wants you in the role of leader of the relationship and will turn over the control if you're willing to take it.

How about you?  Do you want her to be more strict with you? More verbally commanding? More openly dominant?  What does all that look like?  I'm particularly interested in the views of those who want their partner to be more openly dominant.  Does that include being so in public, so it becomes clear that she "wears the pants" in the relationship?  Tell us all about it, and please be as specific as possible.  If spankings are too mild to get the job done, what do you wish for in terms of intensity, duration, frequency, etc.  If you would like her to be more strict, what would that entail?  Need more lecturing and verbal dominance?  What would you like her to do on that score? 

Before signing off, I did want to make on observation about Love Our Lurkers.  It did not escape my attention that most of the people who dropped in to say "hi" were women, mainly disciplined females.  I just want you all to know, you're welcome any time.  While I will continue to write the blog from the perspective of a disciplined husband, and some topics will focus on Female Led Relationships, I've become increasingly convinced the F/m and M/f dynamic s are really not that different, particularly in terms of what leads those of us on on the receiving end of the paddle or strap to seek this out.  So,  for our disciplined ladies out there, just because I phrase my writing on this topic in terms of the F/m dynamic, please don't feel excluded.  Please weigh in on anything that interests you.

Have a great week.

Happy Thanksgiving

I hope you all have a very happy Thanksgiving with friends and family.  If you are traveling, be safe.  Best holiday wishes from my family to yours.

Dan

Love Our Lurkers Day(s)

Hello all.  Let's bring this week to a close, with another edition of Love Our Lurkers, organized as always by Hermione over at https://hermionesheart.blogspot.com.  Two days of inviting our Lurkers, i.e. those who visit but never talk, to step up to the virtual microphone.  You can post anonymously, so no need to be shy.  It doesn't need to be anything profounder or on point, because this week there is no point!  If you care to, tell us a little about yourself and what brought you to check out this and other blogs devoted to Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships. 

For all the regulars, have a great week.

The Forum - Vol. 229 - Real Authority

It is so hard to believe because it is so hard to obey. -- Soren Kierkegarrd

Hello all.  I hope you had a great week.  Last week, I warned that I might not have much time to post over the coming weeks.  Then, suddenly, the frantic pace just stopped, very unexpectedly.  Which is always a little disconcerting. It's like my body came to a sudden stop, while my mind continues racing head.  But, it's all good.  Or it will be.  I really was on the edge of burnout, and now I have a chance to take a breath.  

                     
It's also yet another chance to get "back on track."  It's funny how thoroughly "real life" can intrude on our best laid plans.  It was only a few weeks ago that we  entered into a "contract" that required us both to step up our DD commitment.  Then, work commitments and travel kicked in with a vengeance and it all just fizzled.  But, now we have a chance to restart that, realistically, was not going to happen again for another two or three monts.

Unfortunately, while I do now have the time to post, the slowdown happened so unexpectedly that I didn't have much time to think of a topic, so I'm kind of winging this one and will keep it short.  

 

We've had a few topics recently on rules and expectations.  One we didn't talk about is, are there any rules that are imposed on you that you really don't agree with?  Do you get spanked for anything that you think should not be spankable?  While we talk about putting our wives in charge of disciplining us when we break the rules, doesn't real authority lie not in being the person who enforces the rules but in being the person who makes them?  

In my own relationship, I can't say there are many ongoing rules she has imposed that I don't agree with.  The closest we've come is probably around orgasm denial.  She very recently announced that there are to be no orgasms that she is not a part of.  I know some men in these relationships are into orgasm denial or control.  I've never been one of them.  But, I can't tell her that I want her to make rules and boundaries, and then undermine her when she steps up and makes one of her own.  One other example is really more a matter of degree.  We both know that I have a tendency to over-indulge in alcohol as a function of work.  Sometimes its developing business.  Sometimes its team building.  I often find that a real conversation and real relationship building takes about three beers.  She prefers to set the limit at one or two.  So, it's so much that we disagree on the rule itself but, rather, the threshold at which it should be applied.

What about you?  Are there rules she imposes that you would prefer did not exist? Do you ever get spanked for things you think should not be punishable?

I hope you have a great week.

The Forum - Vol. 228 - If They Only Knew . . .

Nail up some indecency in plain sight over your door; from that time forward you will be rid of all respectable people, the most insupportable folk God has created. -- Paul Guaguin 

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you all had a good week.  I'm in the midst of an ongoing work nightmare so, unfortunately, I am going to have to keep this post pretty short.  Also, just a heads-up, the work project I am on may require me to take a break from the blog for three or four weeks, so don't be surprised if I post a notice saying it is going on hiatus for a short time.  But, I do have time today for a short one. 

A couple of weeks ago, when we were talking about expectation setting and rules, Glenmore commented that he and his wife keep a list of rules posted in their closet:

1. My Wife is always right
2. I will not criticize or put down my wife's opinions
3. I will not place blame on others - especially my wife
4. I will not interrupt my wife when she is speaking
5. When in doubt refer to rule # 1.

Elegant and to the point.  For purposes of the current discussion, however, I'm more interested in the fact the rules are posted than in their content.  There are lots of degrees to which people in these relationships have "outed" themselves.   Some not at all.  Some fully open and out there.  For those who are not fully out,  are there some things that are out and open, or have been left so purposefully or on accident, that at least hint at the DD or FLR side or your relationship?  Perhaps you have accidentally left some spanking implement out and someone saw it or could have seen it?  Glenmore has his list of rules, which is apparently somewhat openly displayed -- to anyone snooping in his closet.  Maybe you keep a spanking journal in a place someone could find it.  Maybe a fraternity or sorority paddle hanging on the wall and that sees more current use than a casual visitor might imagine? It could also be something other than a tangible object.  Perhaps a word or phrase she uses in public that you know means, "She's going to paddle me when we get home," but that people around might or might not pick up on.

I hope you all have a great week.