The Forum - Vol. 204 - How Long

“Whatever you choose, however many roads you travel, I hope that you choose not to be a lady. I hope you will find some way to break the rules and make a little trouble out there. And I also hope that you will choose to make some of that trouble on behalf of women." - Nora Ephron

Hello all. Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a good week.

This could end up being a pretty painful weekend for me. It was one of those weeks where I let myself get far out on a limb where behavior is concerned.  Typically, I wait for her to take the initiative in ordering punishment, but this time I felt like I really needed to take responsibility proactively.  So, I sent her a journal entry reminding her that for one of these behaviors, the rule we agreed to is that it would result in multiple spankings, delivered within hours or a day or two of each other, in order to really drive the point home.  We talked about "multiples" some time ago, so I'm not going to use it as this week's topic, though it is very much on my mind as I sit here this morning, wondering how I will be sitting come Sunday or Monday.  As I think I said when we explored this as a topic, she really has not used multiple spankings much.  I think maybe once over the course of our DD relationship, and that time in a limited way.  So, I am not really mentally prepared for this, and I am expecting the worst and going through the whole butterflies in my stomach thing.  I thought she might start last night, but she didn't let me in on her plans, so I went to bed nervous and full of anxiety about what this weekend may bring.  But, enough of that for now.

This week's topic kind of relates to a comment from Mary on last week's topic.  She said, "It is not how hard the spanking is given, but how long it lasts."  Now, I think her point was more about it making a lasting impression, rather than "lasts" in the temporal sense.  But, when I thought about it, I'm not sure we have ever talked about how long our respective spankings really last in the sense of how long each session actually takes.  When I am bent over the chair or ottoman and taking a very hard paddling or strapping, it seems to take forever.  But, in reality I am sure the whole thing takes well under 10 minutes.  Probably more like five or six.  But, I've never actually timed one.

A few nights ago I was reading a spanking story in which the wife actually did use a timer.  She and her husband had a list of rules.  The baseline spanking was 5 or 10 minutes (I forget which) and each broken rule that was being addressed added another 5 minutes.  She did include time spent intermittently scolding and lecturing, but if she took breaks to let her arm rest then the timer was stopped, then re-started when the spanking resumed.  This system seemed to me to have some advantages for real behavior correction, because every punishment spanking could be the same in terms of severity or each swat, but the duration was really within his control, because he could earn his way out of longer sessions by simply behaving better and not accumulating as many offenses.  It would also prevent at least some of the "toughing it out" that Fred pointed out (a couple of posts ago), can occur if he knows in advance the number of swats.  And, I have always wondered whether a longer spanking would result in me finally breaking down, as it just kept going on and on with no relief in sight.  In our case, she usually takes mercy after my bottom reaches a certain state, but what if the rule was it keeps going for whatever duration I've earned?

How long do your spankings usually take?  Have you ever timed one?  Does she have a goal for it to last a certain amount of time? Does that vary depending on the offense?

I hope you have a great week. As always, if you are new to this Forum please go to the Guestbook and tell us a little about yourself and your DD or FLR lifestyle or aspirations.

The Forum - Vol. 203 - Spanking in Anger

 Know what? Bitches get stuff done. - Tina Fey

Hello all. Welcome back to the Forum. Our weekly gathering of me and women who are participating or interested in Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a great week.

I find myself pretty tired at the end of mine.  Work has been insane, my sleep patterns are once again all out of whack, and here I am on a Saturday morning, awake at an insanely early hour for no reason. Spankings aren't really stress relievers for me, but right now I kind of wish they were.  This morning's insomnia resulted from residual anger about something that happened at work yesterday, which leads me to this week's topic.

In the last couple of weeks there have been some comments about anger, i.e. do or should our Disciplinary Wives spank in anger.  Marisa extended it a little and talked about being bitchy during a spanking, hence the quote above, which I've posted before but it's one that's worth repeating.  Merry, on the other hand, says she never spanks in anger.

My wife is somewhere in the middle.  She rarely spanks in the heat of the moment, but on some occasions her frustration is still pretty palpable as she swings her paddle or strap.

Personally, I like it when my wife displays emotion before or during a spanking.  I think it is part of her learning to express her emotions and gain the confidence to say what she means.  I want her to know that it is OK to hurt not just my bottom but my feelings, because it may be that the reason I am bent over getting by bottom strapped or paddled is because I hurt hers.  During our last spanking, she lectured me while I was facing away from her, and I think that gave her the freedom to cut loose a little more than usual, and that in turn helped me get into a more submissive mindset.  Also, my ego is pretty strong, and I need more than just a cold, clinical application of the paddle to break down my defenses and really accept accountability. It also helps me to accept her authority if she is expressing herself like she really is in charge.  So, while I do understand the need for making sure that anger is under control in order to avoid things going far, I am fine with the anger being present and openly expressed.

How about you? Do you prefer "all business," or are displays of anger and emotion something that helps establish your roles or help you get to the emotional state  you need.

 I hope you have a great week.  If you are new to this Forum, please go to the Guestbook (tab above) and take a moment to tell us about yourself and your Domestic Discipline or FLR relationship or aspirations.

Speaking of the Guestbook, please take a moment to read the very thoughtful and engaging comments from our new Forum participant, Tina.


 

The Forum - Vol. 202 - Too Hard

"Some people have to learn the hard way."

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

I hope you all had a great week.  I added a comment to last week's topic that addressed a real life spanking I received last week.   I don't do that a lot, but this one raised an issue that I thought might make a good topic, because this one may have forced us to think a little bit more about how she can be the most effective in bringing about what we both want, which is making me feel genuinely repentant about what I've done and really changing behavior.

From the beginning, we have taken Domestic Discipline seriously.  Though it clearly has erotic overtones, it isn't part of a kinky game for us.  We have a lot of commenters on here, with relationships that seem to run the gamut from spanking as "funishment," i.e. not really discipline at all, to someone like Fred for whom it is pure discipline with no real erotic or D/s overtones.  On that spectrum, until a year or so ago we were pretty close to Fred's end of the spectrum. DD was more of an event than a lifestyle, and there wasn't a real fundamental change in the power structure.  That has changed this year, with DD more of one tool in a broader FLR lifestyle.  But, the goal really did remain to make me pay a price for bad behavior such that I would be less likely to do it again.

My earliest exposure to Domestic Discipline reinforced that the starting place regarding severity should be, "The harder you spanking him, the more he will love you for it."  And, I still believe there is a lot of truth in that. I also believe that if it isn't really hard, and designed to push him not only to his limits but somewhat beyond them, then is it really punishment?  If it's something you can easily take, then how are you really being punished?

This year, however, I began to have a glimmer of doubt about the "harder is always better" premise.  The doubt was a result of real experience.  Despite doing this for over a decade, one thing I have never yet been able to do is get to a real catharsis, where I just let it go and cry.  Many long-term readers know that tears are something of a fixation for me where DD is concerned, probably because I think it would be good for me to get there, and so far I just can't find the right prescription to to do it.  I do think that severity plays a role in it, and that the instrument needs to be effective enough and the spanking long enough for there to be any hope of reaching the threshold for real tears.  While I've always known that was only part of the prescription, however, it has been only recently that I started seeing the extent to which it not only is not sufficient, it may actually impede the process.

Over the last year, I think we have gone about as far as we can on the "hard instruments" piece of this, and it's really that part that I am rethinking.  Last year I bought three different rubber straps, which I've talked about  in some prior posts.  Two of them in particular are just incredibly, severely painful.  If anything could take me to a point of tears, you would think those would do it.  Yet, I started to suspect that they not only weren't getting me closer, but were but were actually impeding that cathartic, let it all go point of sobbing that I've been both terrified of and morbidly fascinated by for years.  The problem is, those tools hurt so much, that I just cannot give into the process and reach any point of actual submission or surrender when she is strapping me with them.  My mind becomes so singly fixated on just trying to get through it, that there is just no way for me to give in.  I not only do not surrender, I become more resistant to surrendering.  

I really noticed this during our spanking last week. I had gone into with a very conscious intent to be truly repentant, surrendering to a spanking I truly deserved.  She began with her favorite leather strap, and she showed no mercy with it.  It hurt a lot, and I was trying really hard to just give in to the whole experience and NOT take it like a man.  I really felt like I was getting close to being able to just let go and start sobbing.  But, then she switched to one of the rubber straps.  The sharpness of the pain was so much worse, my resistance just skyrocketed.  There was just no way to mentally do anything but resist.  She then went to the thinnest of our three rubber straps, and it too hurt like hell but also wrapped around to catch my hip as much as my bottom. When she switched the side from which she was swinging, she discovered that the end of the strap had been literally cutting into the side of my hip, which brought the whole session to a close.

That session verified for both of us that the notion of severity and 'how much is enough" has some nuances.  I do believe that a disciplinary spanking does need to be more than I can take, but it may be as much or more about duration than severity of each swat.  For me, there seems to be some sweet spot where it hurts a lot, but not so much that my defenses become impossible to surmount.

Any thoughts on this?  Do your spankings reach a point where it just too much to bear?  When that happens, is reaching that state good in that it is at that point that you actually give in and surrender or hit that point of total catharsis or submission? Or, does "take it like a man" kick in so strongly that you can't overcome it?  Are there tools you have used that you have determined really are just too much for a disciplinary spanking such that they become counterproductive? 

I hope you all have a great week. If you are new to our Forum, please visit our Guestbook (tab above) and take a moment to tell us about yourself and your Domestic Discipline or FLR lifestyle or aspirations.

The Forum - Vol. 201 - What Goes on in That Head . . .

“The heaviest penalty for declining to rule is to be ruled by someone inferior to yourself.”  - Plato, The Republic

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gather of men and women who are participating or positively interested in being in Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

I hope you all had a great week.  Mine started off great, then degenerated.  I said last week that I had made some adjustments after a string of self-destructive behaviors.  It worked and worked well for almost two weeks, then kind of fell apart a couple of days ago.  And, basically the same pattern.  I had every intention of continuing my streak of positive behavior. Then, as I was leaving work I stopped to grab "one drink" with a colleague who wanted to talk about something.  Then some other people from work joined us, and the next thing you know it was three hours later. It wasn't that big a deal, but it did mean my wife was royally pissed off at me for coming home late, and after making some real progress in getting my energy and mood straightened out, I definitely lost some ground.  But, I'm trying.   I fell of the methaphorical horse and now will try to get back on again.  I'm also sitting around today wondering if she is going to order a hard spanking as a fitting consequence for this stumble.  While I really, really don't want one, I can't say that I don't deserve it.  It's also been more than a month since my last one, so if it does happen I know it is going to be extraordinarily painful.

Update: She did let me know earlier today that I will be getting one. As she put it, "A very long, very hard strapping and paddling" tonight. And, of course, my attitude has instantly swung from knowing that I need one and kind of welcoming the accountability, to hoping something happens to interfere with her plans. That's the way it always is with real spankings -- we ask for them, either literally or through our preventable behavior, then once one is ordered we would do anything to get out of it.  It has been long enough between sessions, I know this one is going to hurt so much!  But, I also do know that I deserve one like this.  Though, that doesn't make it any easier to take at the time.

This week's topic comes from CrimsonKing.  He suggested we had we haven't really explored the issue of what exactly is going on in a man's head during a spanking.  That's probably true.  While we've explored why we want to be disciplined, and how we felt after it is over, I'm not sure we have ever had a topic devoted to what he (and she) are thinking during the event itself.

I also had a hard time finding any appropriate art work.  Interestingly, almost everything I found in my collection that seemed to depict his thoughts during the spanking itself seemed to have something to do with "bringing out the boy" themes.

While it's possible that is more a reflection of my own choice in artwork than what is available out there, I don't think so, as I tend to save just about anything with a F/m spanking theme and tend to keep anything depicting spanking kids only if it is, in fact, clear that it is actually an adult being spanked but it makes him feel like a boy again.

But, in any event, what is going on in your mind during the actual event?  Counting the strokes?  Apologizing and swearing to yourself you'll never do THAT again ("that" being whatever you did for the hundredth time that put you in this position again, like me stopping to have that drink with a colleague)?  Or, do you get into some kind of "subspace" or become relaxed or meditative (something I have a hard time imagining, as "relaxed" is the last thing I am during the event).

I also don't want to leave out the ladies, though here I came up with zip for artwork focusing on their thought process during a spanking.  I did find a few, however,  that focused on what she might be thinking when considering giving him one.

So, let's do broaden it out a little where the question to our Disciplinary Wives is concerned. What are you thinking about immediately before his spanking or as you are considering ordering one.

Are you angry or disappointed?

Or, something more positive or titillating?

Excited?  Empowered?



Does it feel like a chore, or do you think of it more like a welcome opportunity to express your views and clear the air?

I hope you all have a great week.  If this is your first time visiting our group, please take a few minutes to visit our Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little bit about your DD or FLR lifestyle or desires.

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