“There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out.”
- Mae West
Hello all. Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum. Our weekly gathering of men and women who are participating or interested in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships. I hope you had a great week and are enjoying the weekend.
Mine was -- a little overly dramatic -- as many of you saw in the last post. Unfortunately, it carried over into another forum, and was just a massive distraction I didn't need this week. And, honestly, one that I played a major role in maintaining, since I could have just deleted the damn comments and left it at that. But, I just couldn't do it in the moment. I got caught up in the need to control the situation, which paradoxically could have been much more effectively controlled by simply refusing to engage at that level. I really need to make this a bigger area of focus for our own DD relationship, making temper and control issues a bigger and more serious offense than they have been to date. Anyway, we are all a work in progress, aren't we?
Which is a good segue into this week's topic. Can dominance and control be taught or learned, if it isn't who you are at your core, or at least hasn't been part of your personality that you have been able to really express in the past? A comment by Marisa on a post a couple of weeks ago got me thinking about this: "We found our way to DD through a crisis in our marriage, the next step would have been marriage counseling if we had not tried discipline. I am aggressive and take charge and that personality trait can't be taught."
I have no doubt that we all are hard-wired with certain innate levels of aggression and tendencies to "take charge." But, for those who lack that innate bent, can it be developed? Is it something you can get better at with practice? Most importantly, is it something you can actually grow to like even if it wasn't a part of your personality earlier in life? Particularly with all the negative soclialization that women are subjected to where power and authority are concerned, are there many who may actually have aggressive and "take charge" wiring that has seldom been expressed but can be if she gives herself real permission to do it?
I thought about this again this morning in connection with a comment on our last topic, to the effect that one way to test the "fantasy" of DD versus the reality is to subject him to at least one really, really hard spanking and see if it is something he still wants a few days later. Might it also work the same way for the would be "disciplinarian"? Perhaps cutting loose the inner Disciplinarian by giving one very hard spanking, or spending a day or two in full-blown Head of Household mode, would test whether leadership and dominance are traits that have been dormant but that she would come to really enjoy if she gave them more free rein?
What do you think? Can dominance be learned or taught? Has that happened in your DD or FLR relationship?
If you haven't done so already, please take a minute to fill out the polls on your level of satisfaction with the "intensity" of various aspects of your FLR and DD relationships. And, if you're new to this blog, please take a moment to stop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about yourself.
Dan
Hello all. Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum. Our weekly gathering of men and women who are participating or interested in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships. I hope you had a great week and are enjoying the weekend.
Mine was -- a little overly dramatic -- as many of you saw in the last post. Unfortunately, it carried over into another forum, and was just a massive distraction I didn't need this week. And, honestly, one that I played a major role in maintaining, since I could have just deleted the damn comments and left it at that. But, I just couldn't do it in the moment. I got caught up in the need to control the situation, which paradoxically could have been much more effectively controlled by simply refusing to engage at that level. I really need to make this a bigger area of focus for our own DD relationship, making temper and control issues a bigger and more serious offense than they have been to date. Anyway, we are all a work in progress, aren't we?
Which is a good segue into this week's topic. Can dominance and control be taught or learned, if it isn't who you are at your core, or at least hasn't been part of your personality that you have been able to really express in the past? A comment by Marisa on a post a couple of weeks ago got me thinking about this: "We found our way to DD through a crisis in our marriage, the next step would have been marriage counseling if we had not tried discipline. I am aggressive and take charge and that personality trait can't be taught."
I thought about this again this morning in connection with a comment on our last topic, to the effect that one way to test the "fantasy" of DD versus the reality is to subject him to at least one really, really hard spanking and see if it is something he still wants a few days later. Might it also work the same way for the would be "disciplinarian"? Perhaps cutting loose the inner Disciplinarian by giving one very hard spanking, or spending a day or two in full-blown Head of Household mode, would test whether leadership and dominance are traits that have been dormant but that she would come to really enjoy if she gave them more free rein?
What do you think? Can dominance be learned or taught? Has that happened in your DD or FLR relationship?
If you haven't done so already, please take a minute to fill out the polls on your level of satisfaction with the "intensity" of various aspects of your FLR and DD relationships. And, if you're new to this blog, please take a moment to stop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about yourself.
Dan
Dan,
ReplyDeleteI think we have a spectrum, but not full spectrum. For instance, if complete subservience is 0 and full dominance is 100, most people are 40 to 60- depending on the situation. It is probably a mixture of nature and nurture and your needle can be moved outside of your numbers if something dramatic occurs. Additionally, we can be different in different situations. For instance, at work I am 55 to 95. At home, I am probably 35 to 70.
Also, it is topic related. For instance, my wife makes most decisions around the house, but I have veto power. This veto power is rarely exercised, because my wife and I try to make good decisions, we both try to please each other and I really don't care about most household decisions, e.g. what color the walls are painted. In the alternative, I have chosen every car we have owned because I am interested in cars and my wife really isn't.
When it comes to being dominant in a disciplinary manner, my wife is naturally 30-60. If you remember my story, asking my wife to spank me almost destroyed my marriage. She is pushing at the outer edge of her nature to spank me. For instance, when I wrote my story a few months ago, I noted that I was spanked to 1) remove tension and inner turmoil and 2) maintain a high level of performance (based upon self-reporting). Very recently, she told me that she could no longer spank me to keep me at a high level of performance. Her reasoning is that spanking to remove inner turmoil made me a better husband; which was immediately apparent. But spanking me for better performance, made her feel "evil" (her word). So for her mental health, she had to stop.
Joe2
Hi Joe2. I'm sorry to hear she felt she had to stop, particularly since your entry last week portrayed someone who is pretty good at it. But, one reason I raised this topic is that while I think people can change substantially over time and if the conditions are right, for others it is always going to be the classic trying to put a square peg in a round hole. And, when I put myself in that person's position, I can understand. I don't think, for example, that I could ever switch roles and become the disciplinarian. Dominant, maybe, but disciplinarian -- no way. It's just not me.
Delete@Joe2: Does she still spank to remove tension and inner turmoil? If so, it's not a complete loss. A few months ago, we had a lively discussion regarding what I call "The Bitch Factor" and there was lots of helpful things brought up. I'll see if I can find it for you. Also, does your wife read this blog? It might open her eyes a little.
DeleteMerry,
DeleteYes, she still spanks me to remove tension and turmoil, because she isn't "punishing me." Since spanking to remove tension, makes me calmer and allows me to focus, she can handle that aspect ( a wife supporting her husband). But spanking to enforce a high level of performance is too much for her- even though high performance reduces the incidences of tension. We both know it is splitting hairs, but spanking to remove tension is at the outer edge of her personality.
Please know that I am very appreciative that she is able to do what she can. One of the many reasons that I married was because of the sweet qualities that she possesses. I am the one that changed the rules.
I did read the "Bitch Factor." I've been a lurker for ages. But my wife does not want to read these blogs and I am not going even try to persuade her. I have to dance with delicate steps, so I take what I can get and let her know that I love her deeply and recognize the sacrifice she is making.
Joe 2
Good! Then you understand that a lot of women who are in DD relationships walk a fine line, and because we (women) are raised to be 'nice' and 'submissive' it can be difficult to discipline our husbands or boyfriends. More on this in my comments to Dan.
DeleteJoe2- thanks for writing.i really found your dominance range/score concept interesting. I'll have to ponder that in my own situation with Wife.
DeleteI also like your mentioning about allowing you to focus and to remove Tenaion, at least.those play a big role here.
bob
Hi Dan! ☺
ReplyDeleteI feel that everyone has the ability to be Dominant, but I also feel that some are born with it. Naturally, it's easier if you are born with it, but it doesn't mean it's impossible otherwise. It just requires a little more effort, and realizing there's a difference between Leading and being a demanding Bitch.
Once we are able to identify the difference for ourselves the rest is easy. I am an anti-bitch. I make a point to avoid being or doing anything I feel a Bitch would do. I'm stern when needed, but not demanding. I can be harsh, but never cruel. I love men (and THAT is important!) and I don't hate them. I'm sweet, I'm emotional when needed, and I'm soft when the occasion calls for it.
Yes, I'm a sadist, and I'm rather proud of it, but I'm focused. I don't do what I do to get my jollies without consideration for the other person. Anybody can do that! No, I am a sadist who only enjoys what I'm doing only if the other party is enjoying it. It doesn't have to be at that moment, but ideally, I want Shilo (or whoever I'm with) to look back on the experience and feel that what happened between us was needed or desired, and that it caused a positive change.
On the other hand, the other party enjoying it at the moment is fun too, and desired on occasion. There are clips of me doing things to Shilo that look horribly cruel, and I'm laughing as he is moaning in (real) pain, but even those occasions bring rewards later, so it isn't cruelty. It's all in how a couple decides to handle it.
RE: Marisa: There is a difference between aggressiveness and Domination,but it's a fine line. I see aggressiveness as anger/frustration/ a feeling of superiority based, where I see Domination as being more personality based. I don't have to feel frustrated with someone to discipline them. I'm not saying Marisa has those qualities, I've never met her, but I'm saying that people often confuse Domination with aggressiveness, and both are cats, but one is a house cat while the other is a tigress. A house cat will get angry and bite you, while a tigress will only attack if she's hungry. Personally, I see her as more of a tigress that thinks she's a house cat because nobody told her otherwise.
Taking charge is a leadership quality. A Dominant person often is a leader, whereas a bully is insecure and mean.(BITCH!) Alphas (both male and female) are not necessarily Dominant in every aspect of their life, and there are times when they desire a "break" from being that way, or maybe they lack control in certain areas where their partner is strong. That us where discipline comes in.
Goodness! I'm long-winded today! I apologize if it's too much. Just feeling "wordy" today.
Merry
Thanks, Merry. Interestingly, I kind of see the difference between dominance and aggression from the opposite angle. I see aggressiveness as more of an innate personality trait, while Domination as being more of a form of conduct that can be adopted or learned.
ReplyDeleteI agree that bullying comes from a place of insecurity (usually), and it is a trait that can be displayed both by dominating personalities but also from more outwardly submissive folks. In the latter, it is more likely to be passive-aggression, but its aggression nonetheless.
I hate cats, so no comment on that analogy.
You hate casts???!!! I'm disappointed!
DeleteWell, hate is a strong word . . . Let's just say I am a dog guy.
DeleteDan,
ReplyDeleteIf you think I am hijacking this thread, please do not post this.
Merry,
Here are two examples of how sensitive my wife is:
If you remember from an earlier thread, we had two spanking instruments. A nylon rod of uncertain origin and a very long stainless steel geriatric shoe horn. My wife does not like the rod, because of how wicked it looks and the damage it has caused. The shoe horn really hurts and puts bruises on me pretty easily. But my wife does not like putting bruises on me. So when when you mentioned a wooden bath brush from WalMart a few weeks ago, I went and bought one. My thought was that the extra area of the brush would allow a lot of pain with less bruising- quantity over quality. She used it once. It did cause about the same pain with less bruising, but she has put it away because it was louder and thus hurt her ears (the increased noise of the brush hitting my bottom made it too hard for her to handle.). Now she is conflicted- what is worse deep bruises or harsh noises. Too bad there isn't a tool where only the spankee could hear the noise.
Another example. This week I was at a planning conference in another state. So it was: go to meetings all day, do my work until after midnight, wake up at 6AM, rinse and repeat. Additionally the timelines were ridiculous. It was so bad that at the end of the conference my boss told the "higher headquarters personnel" in front of everyone: "To do what you want requires either more resources or new processes. You have not proposed nor suggested either, so until someone can explain how this is to be achieved, we have just wasted a week." (That is why they call her the "Confederate Rose"- beautiful flower/wicked thorns). Well, I got home late Thursday. I completely worn out, stressed from the conference and sleep deprived. After hugging my wife I gently told her that I either needed a really deep spanking or I needed to go into an alcohol induced reset; otherwise I would twist and turn with no sleep. She brought out two bottles of wine, kissed me on the cheek and told me that she would wake me and make a pot of really strong coffee. Oh yeah, my wife strongly dislikes when I drink alone or drink during the work week.
Joe2
Joe - can I just say that my wife loves the sound of a wooden paddle on my behind. There have been occasions where I wish she shared your wife's sensitivity. ...
DeleteMerry,
ReplyDeleteI do not think of you as a sadist. I think we need to find another word for who you are. The classic definition of sadist is giving pain to someone that does not deserve pain nor desires it. You on the other hand, only like giving pain to someone that wants it. So you are scratching someone's itch and both of you are enjoying the journey.
Now before you unsheathe your claws, I consider myself like you but the opposite. I only want to be hurt by someone that loves me. When my wife and I were trying to sort me out, we discussed me going to a dominatrix. I did not want to do it because there would be no emotional bond and my wife did not want me to do it because she thought of it as a form of cheating.
I have met only one classical sadist and just the thought of him makes my skin crawl. Sociopaths only act to get what they want and bullies can be challenged, but classical sadists are very dangerous because they revel in destroying others.
Dan,
I believe that like most things dominance is relevant. I believe that in most marriages, the wife is the dominant partner. Men make the living (money) and the wife makes life worth living (relationships). The friction is where they do not communicate and establish boundaries. Since men do not like communicating, boundaries are hard to establish. But since women do not account for a man's natural lack of communications skills, they get frustrated ( a wife really needs to force a husband to talk- even if it requires dragging him along; kicking and screaming).
Discipline is a whole different matter. You can be completely dominant and hate being the disciplinarian. I had a really good boss who could command attention, set vision, focus resources, but could not for the life of him fire anyone- I got to have that task (more tension). In a simple world, you would call him a wimp, but firing someone was really a scaring event for him. Me? If you aren't pulling your load, you get warned several times and then you are gone, because if you fail, then the team fails, then the company fails, then we are all out of jobs.
Discipline? We live in a non-violent society. Humans are not logical. For instance, I live in the south. If you do not have the exterminator spray your house every several months, you will have cockroaches (because they live outside and they want inside). I know several vegetarians and yet they have their houses sprayed for bugs. In their logic, they are just minimizing the amount of death that they are causing.
By extension, most people want order and success, but they have never had to physically discipline anyone. So the violence required hurts them- "this is going to hurt me more than it is you."
The trick is getting what both you and your spouse need and desire- a partnership.
Joe2
There is nothing wrong with Merry calling herself a sadist and seeing herself as one. In fact, it's a great thing when it's consensual which it clearly is with Merry. After all, think about classic "S&M" (sado/masochism). She enjoys inflicting pain and her partner enjoys receiving it.
ReplyDeleteI'm a masochist as well as a submissive. A woman who identifies as a sadist is very appealing to me. As I mentioned today in the Guest Book I am interacting with a woman from FetLife who is both a domme and a sadist. I think that the combination of the two is fabulous.
I really enjoyed hearing Merry talking about her sadistic activities and would love to hear more.
I_ObeyHer
@ I_ObeyHer: Thank you for expressing your assessment on my lifestyle. You hit the nail on the head!
DeleteI can also be found on Fetlife as ContraryMerry (Long Beach, CA) so if you want to see pictures of my "artwork" feel free to visit. I won't bite (unless you ask nicely)Also, if you click on my picture, it will take you to my blogger profile and my blog. Okay, mo more advertising...
@ Joe2: When I call myself a sadist, I mean it strictly in the BDSM sense. Anyone who knows about/understands how I live my life (such as Dan, I_ObeyHer, and others)will agree with my assessment, and I know my husband Shilo would agree as well.
ReplyDeleteMerry,
DeletePlease accept my deepest apologies. I spoke out of ignorance, arrogance and a complete lack of courtesy. I do read your blog, so I feel comfortable in saying that you know what you are talking about.
I am probably the least experienced person that comments on this blog. I'm so knowledgeable and experienced that I almost cratered my marriage. So while I'm splashing in the kiddy pool, you guys are scuba diving in the ocean.
If I say something so stupid again, just tell me to find my rubber ducky and stay in the shallow end.
Dan,
I need to apologize to you as well. You spend a lot of time and effort running this blog. So you don't need ignorant and discourteous comments shot off in your personal game preserve. I think I will write and delay posting for a day, so I do not create friction where none should exist.
To all who have read my ignorant ramblings,
I wish I could give you back the time you wasted reading my ignorant comment. I am sorry.
Joe2, no offense taken. To the extent there was on Merry's part, she corrected it. As I said in response to Troll Boy last week, I'm fine with lots of different comments, as long as people are genuinely trying to work their way through a sincere interest in domestic discipline. You clearly are.
DeleteI may do a post about this, but I think we can avoid a lot of misunderstandings if people direct their comments to supporting or question the OPINION stated in a comment, and not the motivation or psychological make-up of the poster. The problem I had with the poster from the last couple of weeks was he kept attacking not just the opinion, but to some extent the person who posted it. I also tend to react very, very negatively when someone who has never met me tries to put me on their virtual psychiatrist couch.
Anyway, I don't see your comment as being over those lines. Let's all just focus on commenting on issues or topics, not on people.
Honestly, as far as I'm concerned, you were not offensive at all. It's okay to walk in with your own assessment on how things are, but by walking in, and being willing to learn, you've taken an important step.
DeleteStay in the shallow end if you wish, but know that I'm willing to gently guide you or anyone else into the deep end. I'm still trying to grasp Domestic Discipline myself, because I come from a BDSM background, but I'm happy to share and and listen if that's what someone needss.
I would think that like other primate relatives, humans have the propensity towards dominance within a hierarchy. A person might be the dominant party right up until a more dominant individual shows up. Or if the alpha is removed, a formerly less dominant individual may step up and become the new alpha. In this model though, one would have to recognize that there are individuals at the far low end of the scale for whom a dominant position would be highly unlikely.
ReplyDeleteI believe this fits relationships as well. I think a person on the high scale will be naturally dominant, a person in the middle may be able to step into a dominant role if the other individual(s) appear submissive. And of course a low end scale, truly submissive person is not going to fall into a dominant role naturally or easily.
I myself respond to the 'vibe' I get from someone. I did a lot of switching in the past, despite my innate desire to submit, because a person's submission could fuel and feed my 'dominant side'. Sometimes even Rosa has a mood where she wants me to be the slightly sadistic "vampire" who seduces her with rough sex. If her mood is prevalent enough, I can shed my submissive demeanor and behave very aggressively. The thing is though, once she has had her fill and wants to regain control, she can do so pretty easily.
Now if a guy is married to a very sweet and traditional, meek and submissive woman, whose whole persona revels in having a strong male to 'take charge'...........I'm not sure a battery of seminars or workshops are going to turn her into a paddle-wielding martinet.
As I've said before, I don't think it's realistic to paint stripes on a lamb and think that will change it into a tigress.............but, perhaps painting stripes on a cat and giving the right encouragement, can bring out the tigress in that formerly domestic feline.
I have frequented sites and forums where submissive women have admitted the thought of their husbands behaving submissively actually sickens them. Naturally ladies like Marisa, Merry, Anna, and my Rosa (among others I may have left out) do not think that way at all. But where anyone can learn to be better at something, or more comfortable with it, it helps to begin with a natural, intrinsic inclination. I am an artist by nature and training and have often been asked by admirers if I could "teach them" to be a good artist. I tell them that I can teach them certain skills and concepts that almost anyone can learn that will have them drawing or painting on a 'competent' level..........but without the inner vision and natural talent, none of these people will ever become "great" artists. Just like I can read music, and bang out a tune on a piano like I'm typing. No one will ever mistake me for a musician, though. It's just not in me.
I think a bit of dominance could be hidden in someone. And I think certain circumstances can bring it out more fully. But it has to be there to start with.
Thanks, KD. All this seems right to me. I had an interesting experience last year in which I had to lead a team that had several sub-leaders, several of which were peers in terms of experience, ability, etc. My vision was that each would run their particular area, without needing me to make a lot of decisions in that area. Several of them just couldn't do it, even when I virtually begged them to stop coming to me with every decision. They were just so uncomfortable with being the final authority that even when given carte blanche to step up and lead, it left them paralyzed. Up until then, I had always assumed that men follow other men because leadership is a skill and is just more highly developed in some than in others. It had never really occurred to me that some men just do not want to lead. So, while I think that socialization plays a big role in keeping women down, I've learned that some people -- both men and women -- just have an aversion to being in charge, and it's not a matter of giving them permission or opportunity. It is a very common sense principle, yet one I hadn't really accepted before.
DeleteMerry,
ReplyDeleteClicking on your picture doesn't work for me to get to your blog. Could you give the blog address? I'd love to see it. You can post it here or message me on FetLife @I_ObeyHer. Thanks.
I_ObeyHer
Dan
ReplyDeleteI am not sure I would have ever under taken disciplining Peter,had I not felt that it was necessary to protect and preserve our family unit. I did not want my boys to grow up without a Dad who was linked into their daily lives. To protect marriage and family, a mother lioness will push herself beyond what she felt she could do.
In so doing, I can say this. Were I to remarry, discipline would be part of our lives. I see now, how it has
made our marriage stronger and I know Peter now sees me as an equal. We both worked hard at this.
Anna
Hi Anna. It's great that while necessity got you started on this path, now you do it because you want to having seen that it helps.
DeleteI think that, for dominance to be sustainable and more than just token, it has to be naturally in a person. One could also ask whether submission can be learned. I doubt it - I believe that you have to be wired this way. One might be able to convince a non-dominant woman to go along with it at a low level but it isn't likely to amount to much.
ReplyDeleteConversely, I keep thinking about the woman that I have been interacting extensively with remotely for a lengthy period of time - I am considering relocating to be with her. Domination is her natural state. She is VERY strict and strongly believes in corporal punishment. Even remotely she has given me rules that I must adhere to. She even demands that I use "Miss" in front of her name. She has made it abundantly clear, that if I am with her in real life, she will demand a high level of obedience and will be very quick to corporally punish any infractions.
This degree of domination couldn't possibly be learned - to be this strong it has to be a natural thing and reinforced with a lot of experience.
I_ObeyHer
We'll see. There are more than a few men on this Forum who don't consider themselves naturally submissive, myself included. My personal opinion is it depends on the goal and the leverage applied to it.
DeleteI agree with Dan. Shilo is very Alpha, very strong-minded and Dominant in every way. Put simply, he chose to submit to me because he desired more discipline in his life. There were things he was doing that he wanted to stop, and things he wasn't doing that he wanted to do. I'm sure he could have done much of it on his own, but he needed inspiration and a driving force, and that's where I came in. He appreciated that I was willing to assist him, and, in turn, he helped me get through some hard times of my own.
DeleteI'm not harsh, but I came with lots of baggage, including my polyamorous relationships. That was a hard pill to swallow knowing that he'd never be my 'one and only.' While I wasn't 100% effective in helping him achieve his goals, I can say I was 85% successful the first round, and of those goals set 3 years ago, I'd say he's at 98% now.
Merry, I just want to say, your posts showing your different sides are, as always, fascinating and make me want to be under your spell, lol So many dimensions! bon
DeleteDan, I agree with you. I have been a leader on multiple sports teams through college and a CEO in business. My wife, was competitive then and is now, but in our younger years let me make all the decisions. She didn't want to make them. However, I traveled extensively and she had to hold the fort at home with three kids to supervise. As the years went on she got stronger and stronger as a person having had this responsibility and forced to make decisions. I am also of the belief that as women age, they not only become more sure of themselves, but want to start making decisions, especially on social activities. They seem also more willingg to express their unhappiness with their husbands (as was true in my case where I wasn't behaving as she expected me to behave and let me know it). When I offered her the opportunity to discipline me to correct faults I had that irritated her, she took charge of my discipline with enthusiasm which surprised the hell out of me. As I've said before, I am happy she did because I really do need boundaries and she has no problem using her paddle and strap making sure I do. So I think maturity is a big part of wives becoming more willing to, and perhaps enjoying, wielding the paddle.
ReplyDeleteFred
Hi Fred. I agree, particularly that being forced to make decisions helps most people get comfortable with making them.
DeleteI've found that it is a part of your make up and really not something you will become. Dated many women, was looking for the one to take charge, to spank me, but for the most part they did want to hurt me and just felt uncomfortable. The woman I finally married was a take charge woman and when I told her what I was looking for she understood. It was maybe a month later that I did something to warrant her to take charge. She was old school and so I soon found myself across her lap, my pants and underpants around my ankles and my bare bottom getting a sound spanking. She could care less about how much noise I made, as for hurting me, she said the bottom was made for spankings. I have since learned she is the one I really was looking for, and just feel it is a part of the make up and not really learned, this is what I found.
ReplyDeleteHi Anonymous. Thanks for this. Glad you found the right one.
DeleteDan
Fred- You and I, as well as our home situation sound similar! As wife has evolved and developed w age, plus my travel being so extensive she has been more responsible for things day to day at home. I'm waiting for it to translate to the next step w the discipline. As it relates to the topic.....I'm not even trying to get her "dominant side" to come out w the goal of her becoming full time HoH at home. I'm at this initial stage simply looking for her "step up" and punish me when merited....then once that incident has been addressed, it's over, we go "back to normal". So my question to the group.....for those that have spouses that weren't naturally Dominant, and struggled acting in this role but subsequently have taken the leap....would you say there was a moment or event that the "switch flipped on"? Was there a moment all the talking you had been doing as a couple all of a sudden made sense to her. And in that moment for the first time "reflexively" went to spanking as the natural resolution in the moment. I'm past the point of trying to "brat" her into it....that's counter productive. But I envision (ok....maybe the better word is "fantasize') that the time comes that I do something and it just CLICKS for her........and in the moment does what seems like what has become normal and reasonable response........and finally gives her first true DISCIPLINE spanking for a genuine reason.
ReplyDeleteOurs went down a slightly different development process. From almost the beginning, she was willing to give very hard spankings. But, it was primarily in situations that we had agreed would result in discipline. The real turning point in terms of exercising her authority, or at least in my recognition that something seemed to have fundamentally changed, was the first time she initiated a disciplinary spanking for something we had not actually talked about being an "offense."
DeleteDarren
DeleteWe struggled until one day Anna pointed out how one of my son's temper tantrums was a boy acting out in the same manner I did towards her. Even to the point of the boy quoting words that I used.From that day forward, she approached my discipline with focus.
peter
Dan- That's actually exactly what I'm asking about...that moment you realized that things had actually CHANGED .
ReplyDeleteGood. It's great when I turn out to be accidentally responsive. :-)
DeleteDan,
ReplyDeleteWhen she gives you a hard spanking what kind of an implement does she use, how many hits does she give you and how long does the spanking last? As well, could you describe how hard the hits are?
I_ObeyHer
It varies, but typically some mix of a leather strap, a wooden paddle, a rubber strap, and a bath brush. Usually around 50 - 60 swats with each. In terms of time, it feels like forever, but in reality probably 10 minutes or less of actual action. Not sure how to describe how hard it is -- hard enough to make me wish she would stop!
DeleteDan,
ReplyDeleteThree questions:
1. Does she restrain you when punishing?
2. How does she know when you have been sufficiently punished?
3. About how often does she punish you?
I_ObeyHer
1. Recently, yes, at my instigation
Delete2. Usually because my bottom is looking much worse for the wear
3. Very variable. Probably average out to every month or two. It would be more often, but there are always distractions . . .
To Everyone,
ReplyDeletePart of the question is:
"Is it something you can get better at with practice? Most importantly, is it something you can actually grow to like even if it wasn't a part of your personality earlier in life?"
It could well be that, when she discovers that corporal punishment brings about desired changes and improved behaviour, she may find this appealing. If a repeated process of punishment and getting compliance continuously reinforces this concept to her then this could very much be a learning process for her. Maybe, in doing this, dominance can be readily learned.
I would think that both punishing her man and issuing orders could very easily be something that she would get better at over time. Given this scenario I can readily see her growing to like this.
What do all of you think?
I_ObeyHer.