Meeting 514 - DD Spanking and FLR Fantasies

“If you did not indulge in fantasies, how else would you know if you were living an interesting life?” ― Alethea Kontis, Enchanted

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

Once again, before we get started, I would like to thank the female commenters who have recently joined us and to extend an invitation to all others who may be inclined to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We like having you around.

 

I hope you all had a good week.  We’ve been, and still are, enjoying a week away from home.  One could argue that, after retirement, every day is a vacation, but 2024 ended and 2025 began so badly for me, I’ve really been needing some separation from that unpleasant reality.

 

That’s not a bad transition to this week’s topic.  I hadn’t intended to post this week, but there were some comments last week that led me to this topic, and it seemed like an easy one to do with fairly minimal effort on my part.

 

The topic is fantasies, particularly fantasies about DD and FLR.   Doug kicked it off last week by recounting this recent fantasy:

 

“When we moved into our house, we were a young couple surrounded in the neighbourhood by retirees. We are now retirees surrounded by young couples and young families. So now I have a fantasy about my wife becoming the neighbourhood disciplinarian and all the young wives sending their husbands to have their bums paddled by my wife when they misbehave. I would love to be a witness to that, and maybe even to film it to document the punishments for the wives of the men being spanked.”

 

 

 Alan replied with a fantasy of his own:

 

“On the topic of fantasies: One of mine is to be disciplined together with another male also under DD, with my wife spanking me and his wife speaking him, one after the other. In my most whole version of this fantasy, the spankings occur semi-regularly as a tool our wives use to incentivize our behavior. I think this is more about sharing the DD experience with another male. Usually, the thought of another male knowing my wife spanks me would not be something positive. It's actually embarrassing that my brother-in-law knows, AND that he has rejected spanking in his own relationship. But there would be no embarrassment in the presence of another male, also subject to his wife’s discipline. There may be some exhibitionism in the fantasy, too, since his wife would witness my spanking (but she would not spank me) as well as administer a spanking to her own husband. Interestingly, I have no fantasy of my wife spanking another man. Nor is being spanked by another woman very erotic in contemplation. Being sent to another woman or being spoken to by another woman at my wife’s direction would be erotic, however.

 

TG added a bit about one of his own fantasies:

 

My twist on this area of fantasy has always been watching my wife spanking another man (or possibly even just listening to it from outside the room) and knowing I’m next.

 

(Sorry, TG, couldn't find a good drawing with one man being spanked while another waited. The F/f will have to do.)

 

In writing this topic, it occurred to me that almost all DD relationships begin with a fantasy that is revealed to another person.  Most of us came to these relationships with a fantasy of experiencing a real disciplinary spanking, and at some point we told a significant other about it, and that fantasy was then realized, at least to some degree.

 

 

For me, the period between fantasy and reality was atypically short.  Unlike many here, I hadn’t even heard about, let alone fantasized about, real adult disciplinary spankings until I was in my late 30s, when I discovered the Disciplinary Wives Club. I immediately became obsessed; so much so that within three days I felt compelled to tell my wife about it, and I received my first adult spanking a day later.

Did it meet the fantasy I’d built up in my head based on the DWC stories?  No.  We didn’t have a clue what we were doing. There was a fair amount of trial and error before I received what I would consider a true DWC spanking. But, it wasn’t all that long before the basic elements of my DWC-flavored fantasy had been fulfilled.  Of course, the reality was very different from the fantasy, for better or worse.

How have my fantasies evolved since experiencing the reality of a disciplinary spanking? Given the strong interest I’ve had in all things DD since discovering the DWC, it probably isn’t surprising that my fantasies have been plentiful.  Perhaps also unsurprisingly for someone who reads as much as I do, many of mine are rooted in spanking stories.

 

 

At a very general level, I think/fantasize a lot about Anne deciding, without prompting from me, to take on a much more strict, maternal role.  It's not a very detailed or vivid fantasy, but it involves her being much more controlling, stern, strict, and demanding. While there is a strong maternal vibe to her approach in my fantasies, it is definitely a very strict mom role.  In my fantasies, a spanking from Anne reduces me to tears, but that has proven so challenging, I've stopped fantasizing about it as much as I once did.

 

As for more specific, vivid fantasies, a recurring element is being taken to a woodshed or barn and given a severe paddling or strapping, often by a male spanker.

 

One of the earliest I recall having was based on a story I read, but for the life of me I can’t remember where. I don’t remember all the plot details, but it involved a couple who owned a horse property.  They were in some sort of relationship (I think there were cuckold themes involved) with a very dominant male. The wife was an aspiring dominant vis-à-vis the husband, but the other man was the true dominant among the three. The wife had asked the other male to punish the husband for something, but she kept ignoring his messages to set it up. He got pissed off about her lack of response, so he simply showed up at their house one evening.  As luck would have it, they were hosting a small dinner party.  The wife tried to put him off, out of earshot of the guests, but he was having none of it.  He made it clear that he was going to take the husband out to their horse barn and spank him, and they could choose for it be done the easy way (by cooperating in making up some story for the husband to excuse himself from the party for a few minutes) or the hard way. They capitulated, with the husband telling the guests he needed to show the intrusive guest something in the barn that he was interested in buying.  He very reluctantly accompanied the man to the barn, where he was commanded to take off his pants and bend over some hay bales.  The dominant man took off his thick leather belt and delivered a “to tears” whipping before allowing the husband to gather himself and go back to the party.

 

I also was very into a story involving a bratty teenage son who was being raised by a single mother.  He mistreated his mother and felt guilty about it.  He had an uncle who lived on a farm a couple of hours away, and he knew from overhearing his cousins getting spanked that his uncle gave very hard disciplinary spankings.  In the woodshed. He got up his courage and asked his mother to ask his uncle give him such a spanking.  She set it up and drove him there to receive his spanking. 

 

Unlike the first story, I know the source of this one.  It’s entitled, “My Trip to the Woodshed” and the author’s name is Dave Christopher.  It is available in full here. Here is an excerpt that covers most of what drove this story to spin off into many fantasies for me:

 

Uncle Leonard stood up. He nodded to me to follow and advised that I was to accompany him to the woodshed, suggesting that Aunt Jenny and mom take a comfortable seat on the back porch. The implication was obvious. He wanted them to hear the punishment administered, the woodshed being less that thirty feet from the porch. He paused to remove the formidable leather strap from behind the kitchen door, and motioned for me to precede him to the woodshed.

 

Slowly and reluctantly I walked to the woodshed, Uncle Leonard’s footsteps clearly falling behind me. As I opened the woodshed door I glanced back to see mom and Aunt Jenny taking their seats on the porch. Uncle Len followed me into the woodshed, surprisingly bright with the afternoon sun shining through the wide areas between the wood slats of the walls. I remembered how clearly Uncle Len’s strappings could be heard from the porch since the woodshed was far from soundproof. Uncle Len sat on a sturdy straight-back chair and pulled me to his side. He laid the strap across his lap and undid my trowsers, pulling them down to my knees. My underwear was quickly wisked down as well. Uncle Len then picked up the strap and turned me over his knees.

 

My bottom was jack-knifed over his right thigh with my toes touching the floor, and my head almost touching the floor on the other side. He grasped my right wrist and held it firmly in the small of my back, pushing down with his left hand and forearm to hold me in position.

 

Uncle Len advised me that he was about to teach me a lesson that I would not soon forget. As a matter of fact it was probably the first of many sessions with his strap if my behaviour didn’t improve dramatically. Because my first lesson was so very important he intended to make it it a particularly memorable one so it would be a deterrent and something to think about should I fail to respect and obey my mother in the future. I was squirming nervously as he made his comments and I could feel goose bumps on my bottom and thighs. He trailed the leather strap lightly across my bottom and thighs and suggested that I was probably planning to take my punishment quietly to show how tough I was but, unfortunately, he assured me, that would not happen. He suggested that I would be wise to just react naturally to the strapping as it was going to burn and sting very profoundly and trying to take it quietly would not work. I should just let myself go – cry, howl, screech, kick, jump – because "that is the reaction I want from the strap and that is what I want your mother to hear". Uncle Leonard added that he intended this to be a long and thorough strapping that I would feel for a few days and that my bottom and thighs would be very red and sore when he finished.”

 

That story presses a whole bunch of my fantasy buttons: The nervousness in traveling to a spanking you know is coming. (That happened very early on in our spanking relationship, when my wife ordered me to drive home from work at lunch for a spanking. The 20-minute drive felt more like two hours.)  Being walked out to the place you will be spanked.  The uncle's highly business-like approach, spelling out what is about to happen.  Him emphasizing how bad it is going to be.

 

And, I have a HUGE thing for barns and woodsheds.  Why?  I’m not certain, as I’ve never actually been spanked in one.  But, it may be that I grew up on farms and ranches, and one particular horse and hay barn became the location for some of my earliest Penthouse-aided (solo) sexual explorations. That may have eroticized barns for me, such that when the DWC came into my life, my psyche extended those early erotic experiences in the barn to my new spanking fantasies.

 

 

In my barn/woodshed fantasies today, I tend to fantasize a scenario in which Anne has gotten close to another couple, with a male who is either dominant or a switch.  She decides that I need to be taught a lesson regarding some repeated offense.  She tells me that we are going to the other couple’s house and that I will be spanked - by the husband.  I'm scared the entire trip to their house, and mortified when we get there and I have to face the man who I know is going to be spanking me in the very near future.  After verifying with Anne that she wants him to give me a spanking I won't forget, he takes me out to their woodshed or barn, while the two women sit on the deck and listen to the whole thing.  Again, it's a lot like the "My Trip to the Woodshed" story, but in an adult setting and with Anne instigating the whole thing.

 

Why the M/m fantasies? I suspect it relates to the whole “consent” thing we discussed two weeks ago.  Getting spanked in a way that feels imposed, i.e. someone else has decreed it is going to happen whether I agree or not, is a huge part of my DD wiring. A male spanker, with the additional male aggressiveness and physical strength, enhances the feelings of inevitability and vulnerability. At least, I think that’s probably the impetus for my M/m fantasy attraction.

 

Other fantasies?  I do fantasize about Anne sending me to another woman’s home to be spanked.  Again, there is the agonizing drive over.  The embarrassment of knocking at the door and telling the woman that I’m there for my spanking.  In some fantasies, Anne is gone on a trip and has asked the other woman to keep an eye on me. I commit some offense, and Anne makes me call the other woman and tell her I need to be spanked.  Somehow, for me making that call seems even more embarrassing and ego threatening than the spanking itself.

 

 

(I know I've used this same captioned photo recently, but it's the best I have for depictions of being sent to another woman to be spanked.)
 

Witnesses, or being spanked along with another man, as Alan described?  Although those scenarios are something I think I would like to experience, it doesn’t rise to the level I think of as “fantasy.” It’s more like a personal growth goal; something that I think would be emotionally challenging and potentially life-changing in a good way, but it's not a scenario I spend a lot of time thinking about.

 

Anne spanking other men, as Doug and I discussed last week after he revealed his fantasy? It is something that I think would be hugely empowering for her, and I think that would be a major turn-on for me. But, it’s kind of like witnesses or being spanked along with someone else; I’m sure it would be a very interesting experience, but it’s not really the stuff of fantasies for me. And, while I would be very supportive of her spanking another man, I don’t have any particular desire to witness her doing it. I’m a pretty empathetic person, and I don’t know that I would actually like to see another man getting a hard disciplinary spanking. I think I might sympathize with him too much.

 

Of my prevalent spanking fantasies, are there any I would not want to experience in real life? Honestly, not really.  I sometimes envy the guys here who have had experiences like being spanked in front of witnesses, and I definitely envy the stories I get from Aunt Kay's husband. In real life, we haven't been nearly as adventurous as some of you. But, it isn't really for lack of interest on my part.  It's a result of being way too paranoid about confidentiality and anonymity in the early years, and now there hasn't been a real-life opportunity.

How far would Anne go in supporting making some of these fantasies a reality? Honestly, I don't know.  She reads the blog, and I've told her about some dreams and fantasies.  She doesn't seem judgmental and has never flat-out rejected anything I've brought up, but I've also never really pushed her to consider trying to bring any of my fantasies to fruition.  

 

 

Maybe that's a mistake on my part. As discussed, most of our DD relationships begin with a fantasy revealed, but that revelation is probably most often accompanied by an actual request to explore it. When I brought the DWC website to her attention, although I had a hard time getting the words out, I certainly made it known that this is something I actually wanted to explore.  And, I really had no idea how she would react, and it turned out to be positive.  So, maybe it's a mistake on my part to assume she wouldn't give something a try if I pushed just a little. (Though, in many of these scenarios, there really does need to be the right opportunity.)

 

How about you? What are your most frequent DD or FLR fantasies?  Are there any you wish would happen in real life? Are there any you definitely do not want to happen in real life? 

 

I know this one could be embarrassing, but none of us know each other or our real identities. So, let’s all support each other in exploring something this personal. With that in mind, I will be quick to delete any judgmental comments.

 

Have a great week.

Meeting 513 - A (Spanking) Picture (or Video) is Worth a Thousand Words

“The camera makes everyone a tourist in other people's reality, and eventually in one's own.” - Susan Sontag

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

Once again, before we get started, I would like to thank the female commenters who have recently joined us and to extend an invitation to all others who may be inclined to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We like having you around.

 

I hope you had a good week.  Mine was hectic, continuing the trend of one damn thing after another going wrong.  We have a vacation coming up in a few days, and I’m torn between knowing I desperately need one, on the one hand, and worrying about what the hell could go wrong, on the other.

 

I’m also desperate for motorcycle season to begin, but it’s still pretty cold, and on warm days snow is turning to mud.  Plus, included in that “one damn thing after another” pattern is a couple of nagging age-related physical problems that could put a crimp in this riding season.  

 

 

Oh well. Enough whining.

 

Last week’s topic got fewer comments than I’d hoped.  “Consent” is usually a compelling subject and, in the past, has driven some great conversations.  It’s another example leading me to wonder whether the blog is just running out of gas.  Too early to say, but it does feel like there’s been a big drop in energy lately.

 

But, we did get some thoughtful, insightful comments.  I especially liked this one from Chris H, as I think it accurately describes what can be a long process of a wife gaining more and more confidence and control:

 

“My wife and I are in a light FLR. She doesn’t control everything in our relationship, but she is in charge of home maintenance and how the family schedules operate. She has set certain rules regarding the family schedule and chores that she is 100% committed to spanking me for, when I disobey. I’m also not allowed to have a temper outburst.

 

It took a LONG time for her to embrace this role, over many years of me asking her and praying that she would.

 

So now, when she tells me that I’m going to be spanked for something, I feel like I have zero control over it. I don’t want it, and even if I beg her not to spank me, I feel like I don’t have a choice. Technically I could always refuse, but the consequence of that would be jeopardize the relationship structure I’ve wanted for so long.

 

So in reality, my spankings are non-consensual because I don’t have any acceptable options left other than to accept my punishment - whether I want it or not doesn’t matter.”

 

Alan similarly emphasized the psychological aspects of consent and how our psychological ability to resist may diminish over time, making our feelings about our ability to consent potentially illusory:

 

“I suspect many of us feel we have more “consensual” veto power over getting spanked than we actually do have at the moment of a spanking. In both of my DD relationships, my actual capacity to defy her about a spanking that she really wanted to administer was minimal - maybe none. My ability to defy her is roughly inversely proportional to the number of punishment spankings she has given me.

 

Think about this: once she knows you need spankings, and she has already spanked you for real discipline, she knows she can spank you if she is determined to do so-and her power to do this just increases over time. I have not talked about this directly with my wife. But I remember it coming up with my former GF. She acknowledged that she might not always be able to control me when we were (physically) apart. But she said something like this: “When we are together, I know I can absolutely control your ass, and there is nothing you can do about it. “

 

She was right. The control, of course, is not physical but psychological, and it increases every time you submit to a spanking. I think a part of us wants to believe we can defy her if “I really wanted to." But try it the next time she tells you a punishment spanking is coming. You can delay and even beg, but you can’t really stop it. You can’t stop it because you really don’t want to -and because the price of defying her is not a price you can afford.”

 

For me, I continue to hope that our dynamic evolves in such a way that it feels less and less consensual.  What I need to ponder a bit more is how to take some of these abstract goals—like making the dynamic feel less consensual, or her being more strict, or her taking a stronger and stronger role—and move them along with some concrete actions on her part and mine.  Otherwise, we seem to stay at this frustrating point where we talk about this stuff all the time, and we both seem to share broad goals of where we want things to go, but it never seems to get a lot of real traction. 

 

Onward.

 

Because we are going on vacation next week, and because I’m in for a very busy weekend, this week’s topic is going to be less psychologically dense.

 

 

A few weeks ago, Glenmore suggested this topic:

 

Would you and your wife be open to make a video or audio recording of your spankings? Would you watch / listen to it with her and what might you learn?

 

Al responded with a bit of personal DWC history: 

 

“Back when the DWC was active, Aunt Kay invited the club members to send in videos of wives spanking their husbands for a possible compilation. Obviously public exposure was a big issue - and nothing ever came of the video idea. However, for a while, there were some pics on the DWC site of real life DWC couples in action (we did not participate).

 

When the video idea was suggested, Susan and I actually did one with the camera position carefully positioned not to show my wife's face and I was otk wearing a ski mask. Kay thought it was a fun idea - as if Susan was spanking a burglar in lieu of calling the police. Ultimately, we decided not to submit it out of "an abundance of caution over possible exposure". But - we did have "fun' doing it (in spite of the real pain from the real spanking) and we watched it a few times before finally erasing it (again, didn't want anyone - especially the kids - inadvertently coming across the recording).”

 

We have not made a video or audio recording of a spanking.  But, the idea does have some appeal.  My openness to it probably reflects some personal growth over the time we’ve been doing this, as for a long time I shared Al’s strong concerns about exposure.  In my case, looking back I can say it bordered on paranoia, though I’m sure I would, in fact, have been utterly mortified if we had made such a video and it got out.   

 

 

It’s not mere speculation that being outed would cause an initial panic, as I went through one real-life incident that gave me some insights on how I would react to being involuntarily “outed.”  A few years ago, I was going through my email inbox and saw one whose subject line really got my attention: It consisted of a password I had used on many different websites. 

 

It got worse. It was directed to me, using my real name throughout the email. The sender claimed to have hacked my computer and gotten my passwords, as proven by the email’s subject line. It further claimed to have downloaded my browsing history, and still further claimed to have commandeered the camera on my laptop to record me visiting some very nasty and embarrassing websites.  The sender demanded that I send some amount (a few thousand dollars) in bitcoin, otherwise all this embarrassing information would be sent to everyone in my Contacts app, the contents of which the sender claimed to have copied.

 

 

For several minutes, I went into a full-blown panic at the idea of some very embarrassing stuff going out to all my friends and family, not to mention the various business contacts in my rolodex.  And, my panic was very focused on spanking-related material, since that genre constituted a lot of my “naughty” on-line activity.

 

Finally, my rational brain came to the rescue.  I Googled the general description of the blackmail threat and found it was a fairly popular scam. The reference to one of my real-life passwords, which had given the whole shakedown its credibility, was easily explained. Millions of real usernames and passwords, and the real names they are associated with, are available on the dark web as a result of well-known, large-scale data hacks.

 

Although the whole thing was a scam, it did force me into thinking hard about how I would react if my participation in this thing we do ever became widely known, not just to a bunch of strangers but to those I know and am the closest to.  After the initial panic, my attitude became more, “It is what it is.  I guess I’ll deal with it.”

 

So, today I wouldn’t let an abstract concern about being “outed” by someone getting ahold of a picture or video of me being spanked stop me from doing it.  Also, with modern video editing software, it's fairly easy to obscure the faces of participants.

 

But, setting aside confidentiality risks, why would I want to do it? For me, the biggest reason is I’m genuinely curious about how both she and I look during the act.  As I’ve said in a couple of recent responses to comments about certain drawings or pictures, I’m very drawn to realistic facial expressions in spanking art.  I’m very drawn to pictures that seem to show real fear or anxiety leading up to the spanking, real pain and regret during the spanking and, on the part of the spanker, looks of business-like determination.

 

I would like to see visually the extent to which my wife and I display those sorts of facial expressions during a real-life spanking.  With today's technology, it would even be possible to see one's reactions live and in the moment, though personally I think I would prefer to view it after-the-fact.

Also, knowing my wife possessed that kind of visual evidence of our spanking relationship could reinforce the power hierarchy in a major way.  Even though I trust her unreservedly and don’t believe she would ever use such a video to “out” me or intentionally embarrass me, just knowing she could do so undoubtedly would ramp my feelings of vulnerability and my sense of her potential power over me.

 

Last week, I talked a little bit about the group NXIVM and their motivational method of getting “collateral” from participants, sometimes in the form of embarrassing material that might be released if the participant failed to keep a commitment or meet a goal.  It seems to have been a very effective means of incentivizing the participants’ desired behavior, even if they probably knew the embarrassing material would never be revealed. 

 

A part of me craves the intense feelings that surround the inherent risk of such embarrassing material being out there, in someone else's possession, even if I am confident Anne would never intentionally use it against me and even though I know the risk of someone else obtaining it would be low. 

As for an auditory recording, the prospect of that doesn’t do much for me.  I'm not sure why, given that a spanking overheard as it is happening does give me a strong emotional response, perhaps more than a visually witnessed one.  For example, while I don’t have any real desire to hear a recording of myself being spanked, I do find the thought of someone listening in over the phone while one is happening to be very compelling.

 

How about you? Have you ever recorded a spanking session, whether by video, sound recording, or a photograph?  Did you keep it? If so, who has possession of it? Have either of you shared it with anyone else? Do you ever view or listen to it together? Do you share Al’s concerns about possible exposure, or is the possibility of such disclosure exciting in some way?

 

I hope you have a great week.  FYI, it is very likely we won’t have a post next week.

Meeting 512 - The Nuances of Consent in Adult Disciplinary Spanking Relationships and FLRs

"He who cannot obey himself will be commanded." - Friedrich Nietzsche

 Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

Once again, before we get started, I would like to thank the female commenters who have recently joined us and to extend an invitation to all others who may be inclined to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We like having you around.

 

I hope you all had a good week.  Mine seemed to be an extension of a year in which it seems like every damn thing that can go wrong does. 

 

 

I feel like the above meme is right, but it also means I am fucked, because I’m already drinking plenty of coffee; sex could probably be amped up but that's clearly not the source of my problems; part of my bad luck involves unanticipated expenses and the outflow of money, yet this administration’s fucked up approach to tariffs sure as hell isn’t putting any money in my brokerage account; and, more booze would just exacerbate all the shit that was wrong in my most recent physical exam.

 

On the other hand . . .

 

I don’t have a lot to add to last week’s discussion. It was a narrow topic, and thank you to all those who took the time to give us the details of the mechanics of your spanking sessions.  Prior to that topic, Norton had dissed those very tactical/mechanical kind of topics, saying he preferred those that were more psychologically penetrating. So, this week, I’ll switch gears to one of those (which I admit I prefer anyway.)

 

A few weeks ago, Doug had these two comments:

 

"Dan, what about spanking not as discipline for any specific infraction, but as a pure expression of power, to make clear who is the boss? Would that not be as powerful as punishment? It is for me because it also makes the spanking “real”. What’s important to me is that she’s not just pretending to be the boss, she is for real. The less consensual it feels, the better. In my head I think that’s not very healthy, but I can’t help being wired this way."

 

"The thing that really turns me on about DD is the idea that it isn’t fully consensual because it is based on the wife having real authority over her husband, the way parents and teachers used to have real authority over kids when I was growing up. In my fantasies, which began when I was a kid, spankings were always non-consensual, like the spankings I got for real."

 

It seems like we cover fairly regularly the topic of consent or, more precisely, the desire some of us have to feel like our discipline is imposed whether we like or not. So, I was a little surprised to find that the last time we covered it as a full-blown topic seems to have been way back in 2021.  Since it's been awhile, hopefully this won’t feel stale to many of our current contributors.

 

I predict in advance that I’ll be fighting off the Google censors all week on this one.  But, they will me misinterpreting the essence of the discussion, wrongly importing connotations from one context to another in which they don’t really fit.  Here’s how Alan put it last time:

 

The consensual model has been borrowed from contemporary norms of sexual behavior and it is not a perfect fit for adult spanking. That is why we have invented incongruities like “consensual non consent”. “Consent” doesn’t fit that well both due to the nature of disciplinary spanking and due to the needs of most spankos to feel a punishment is being imposed on them or they are being made to obey. To complicate it even further, a lot of the spankings I get are really not wanted (at the time) and for sure during many spankings I do not want it to continue (at that time). Later,of course, I am very happy she did what she did. Thus the dilemma, how does one consent to something really not wanted (at the time)? The answer I think is that consent once given is in practice rarely withdrawn as long as the relationship continues.

 

I had written in that post about a real-life scandal that was making the news and that I was very intrigued by.  It involved a “self-improvement” group called NXIVM, which was the subject of an extensive New York Times article under the headline, “Inside Nxivm, the Sex Cult That Preached Empowerment.”

 

In its more benign aspects, NXIVM was a collaborative self-help group that used certain methods to help people get sufficient “leverage” over themselves to overcome sticky bad habits or motivate higher levels of performance.  That could involve aversive consequences for not meeting one’s goals or commitments, along with some creative means for making those consequences stick. For example, if someone in a support group failed to meet their exercise goals, they and the entire group might have to go for a 6:00 am run. Basically, it was peer pressure, but the idea was to tie goals to coercive consequences. Kind of like DD, right?

 

The consequences got more serious at some levels of the organization.  For example, they employed something called “collateral” to “help” people get additional leverage over themselves. For example, a participant might write a letter with some embarrassing detail about their life, or perhaps something even more embarrassing, like a naked picture.  If they failed at whatever thing they were trying to do, like quitting smoking for example, the embarrassing letter or picture might be released to a pre-set list of friends or family.

 

It was consensual, as the participants agreed to it; indeed, they wanted this additional form of coercive motivation. But, once put in motion, there was supposed to be a real risk that the “collateral” might be acted on (though, I haven’t seen anything indicating it ever was).

 

Senior leaders of the group were later prosecuted, and some pretty nasty stuff came out. I’m absolutely not defending any of it.  But, the stuff that was in the earlier New York Times article had been pretty tame, and I admit that for a while I was genuinely fascinated by the whole thing.

 

A couple of popular streaming platforms later developed series about the group, and one revealed that at some level of the organization, there had been a disciplinary spanking angle and a pretty heavy Dominance/submission vibe, exemplified in this text string:

 

 

ZM was maybe only slightly less fascinated than I, which led him to this observation:

 

Perhaps the more interesting issue than consent (which we have talked about extensively) is coercion. What role does coercion play in spanking? Just because DD is consensual, it doesn't mean that coercion isn't also being employed. Why do I take down my pants and bend over for a spanking? And what effect does that coercion have? Is it desirable or undesirable? And what does the interplay between coercion, dominance, and submission look like? BTW, coercion doesn't just apply to spanking. About the most interesting thing about the whole NXIUM cult was their use of "collateral" to use to coerce members into achieving their personal goals.

 

Even though we both know that I will in every case submit to her will on this, I still want to feel like she is coercing me somewhat. I want her to threaten me about what will happen if I check out other women, for example. Right now, I am trying to lose weight, and I like knowing (though I dread it) that if I don't hit my weight target my bottom is going to pay a hefty price. In a very real way, this is similar to NXIUM, only it is physical and personal.

 

A commenter named Brett chimed in with this observation about how some of us seem to be wired to want spanking discipline to feel imposed by an outside will that overcomes our own:

 

Thinking about it, I’d have to say that the "why" does matter. If I’m obedient to my wife because I’m such a nice guy, or I love her just that much, or I’m naturally submissive, hate confrontations or other such character traits, it’s missing the key ingredient that my obedience is compelled by the threat of a spanking. Obedience is also demonstrated in the submission to punishment, but what makes it so embarrassing and humbling is when obedience is perceived to be compelled, not by willing submission, but by her will to power.

 

For me, the “imposed” element of DD—being brought to heel by another’s expression of will and power—has always been a key part of the attraction.  In fact, the very first fiction story on the Disciplinary Wives Club website—hence, probably the first story I read about real adult disciplinary spanking—is about a woman whose friend advised her to spank her husband, imposing the entire DD relationship, as retribution for some comments her husband made about the friend’s attractive legs.   

 

After she summarily informs him he is going to be spanked when they get home, at first he thinks she must be joking. Then he objects, then tries to plead, then finally crumples under her superior will: 

 

“At that point Becky's look became determined; her voice quiet, but assured. "I will forget it after I have brought you to tears, dear, then all will be forgiven. But I don't want you to think for one instant that there is ANY way you can avoid my spanking you. There isn't. And furthermore, in the future, I shall make it a practice to spank you whenever I feel you need it, and you will accept it as you did your mother's spankings. Most men can profit from a dose of maternal discipline, and from now on you will be one of the lucky ones."

 

My favorite story on the DWC website, Even More (written by our frequent contributor Al), is more consensual at the outset, in that the husband affirmatively suggests they try the DD relationship.  But, from the very first spanking forward, he argues, balks and (verbally) resists each time a real spanking has been earned, and each spanking vignette in the story involves his wife overcoming his resistance with her increasingly confident assertions of her own will and power.

 

 

So, for me, from the very beginning I’ve wanted our DD relationship to feel less consensual than it actually is. I have no doubt that Doug is right to connect it to wanting something that feels more like parental discipline, where my views on whether a spanking should happen were utterly irrelevant to the outcome.  Having asked Anne for this kind of relationship, I really do wish there was something she could do that would make it clear that, while being spanked by her may have been my idea initially, there is no going back. 

 

 

And, there undeniably elements of our DD relationship that do happen without my express buy-in. Sometimes, it’s very subtle.  Here in this group, we often discuss aspects of the spanking mechanics or dynamic that we don’t really like or would like to change.  In recent years, I’ve gotten more sensitive to the fact that if I don’t like something or have a strongly adverse reaction to it, that may be a sign that her authority is working exactly as it should – if this is real, then there should be all sorts of elements I don’t like yet have no real choice about.

 

 

And, there is of course the inherent lack of subjective consent in getting a spanking that you really do not want in the moment, and that you really, really want to end, even if you undeniably consent to it happening again in the future. Alan's quote above says that even though consent can theoretically be withdrawn, it probably rarely is, and my sense is that's true thanks to some combination of her learning to enjoy exercising her willpower and him becoming increasingly psychologically bound to do what she wants.

 

 

Most of the time, the elements that feel somewhat nonconsensual are subtle and mild.  Yet, part of me really does not want that to be the case. 

 

I have no idea why I want to feel like I’m so thoroughly under another’s authority in this one facet of my life, and seemingly nowhere else. I’ve never been able to figure out how I could be so completely anti-authoritarian at work, yet I have this thing for being under the authority of a strong, aggressive woman at home. 

 

Part of me clearly craves being spanked over my objection and in circumstances that violate my sense of personal boundaries.  I’ve talked here about a dream I had that involved being taken out of an office gathering to be spanked by a male office manager. It was made clear by everyone in the room—including my wife and dad, who were both oddly in attendance at this large office function—that it was going to happen because I richly deserved it.  I was led out of the party by the office manager, knowing that he would bring me back afterward with everyone knowing I had been spanked. It was very mortifying.

 

It’s by far the most vivid spanking dream I’ve ever had.  I had one recently that touched on similar themes of being spanked involuntarily. Though the dream was shorter and less vivid than the other, the consent themes were, if anything, even stronger.  I’ve lost a lot of the details, but I had accidentally gone into another couple’s house.  The wife was surprised and disturbed to see a stranger in the house, and I tried to leave as soon as I realized the error. But, her husband—a big, burly man, much larger and older than me—followed me out, carrying a large belt in his hand. In that funny way of dreams, we seemed to know each other, but he doesn’t clearly fit anyone I know in real life (in my office dream, the manager who took me out was, in fact, the manager of my office). He was a very big guy, with a big unruly beard.  He made it clear I was going to get strapped with the belt.  I ran away and made it back to my house, but he appeared out of nowhere and reiterated that I was going to be spanked.  I was very resistant to it, but he kept making it clear it was going to happen.  Fortunately, or unfortunately, I woke up before it did.

 

I don’t dream about spanking very often, and that when I do the dreams often involve parental presence and/or a strong element of coercion or embarrassment is suggestive of something my subconscious wants and/or fears.  That the person holding the belt in this recent dream was a large, domineering man, suggests I want—or think I want—something that feels more coercive, less consensual, more threatening.

 

The reality is these relationships are, should be, and must be consensual.  I could physically overpower Anne to resist a spanking anytime.  I think the closest we’ve come to me feeling truly disempowered in a way that felt almost like consensual non-consent were a couple of times when I had done something that I saw as very minor, but she delivered a very hard spanking for it.  

 

The imbalance between the spanking I thought I deserved and the spanking I actually received did accentuate the uneven power hierarchy.  It was a consensual hierarchy, but one that resulted in a real power imbalance. And, while immediately afterward it felt very disquieting, later on it was a very big turn-on.

 

 

So, I share Doug’s fascination with spanking scenarios that feel like I am not the one in control and that things will happen whether I like or not.  That’s why this sentence in his comment really struck me:

 

“What’s important to me is that she’s not just pretending to be the boss, she is for real.”

 

I don’t have a concrete set of questions in mind for this topic.  Do with it what you will.

 

Have a great week.

Meeting 511- The Mechanics/Logistics of a Disciplinary Spanking

Think not those faithful who praise all thy words and actions, but those who kindly reprove thy faults. — Socrates

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

Once again, before we get started, I would like to thank the female commenters who have recently joined us and to extend an invitation to all others who may be inclined to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We like having you around.

 

I hope you all had a great week. Mine was kind of rough. We had a family get-together and, while it’s great that our adult kids still like to hang with us, they aren’t that adult, and I have a hard time keeping up these days. It was a week that won’t help me reverse the bad health trends revealed by my annual physical, which I mentioned last week.  Compared to last year’s findings, I lost ground on all the big metabolic stuff.  Blood sugar – up. Good cholesterol – down.  Bad cholesterol – up, and into concerning range.  Triglycerides – WAY up.  The bummer of it all is that I feel like my diet and exercise routines were no worse than last year and actually a bit better.  So, I’m not sure why the big, negative changes. But, it may be time to add some health-related diet and exercise items to my weekly “check-ins” with Anne.

 

 

And, as I mentioned briefly last week, for no apparent reason, one of my knees got very angry at me and had me limping around like an old man. It still hasn’t resolved and may not, as x-rays indicated I’m getting arthritis in that knee.  As I’ve said, this getting old shit is not for sissies, though it’s better than the only alternative.

 

 

Before moving onto this week’s topic, during the discussion last week, TB recommended a study he had read recently that addressed BDSM practitioner’s origins and the source of their attraction to sexual masochism and submission. 

 

It is an interesting read and, while I maintain that DD is not a subset of BDSM (though perhaps both DD and BDSM are subsets of Dominance/submission?), there are enough overlaps to make the study of likely interest to some of our readers.  This paragraph (with citations omitted) touched on some of my own motivations, and I would accept the label “balancer” as explaining some, though not all, of my DD and FLR attraction: 

 

"Practitioners who give away their power in m/s [sexual masochism/submission] activities fall into two main subgroups: those who are powerful in everyday life, especially professionally, and those who are simply more sexually aroused by submission. Those in the first subgroup are classically labeled “balancers”, as their main goal is to stop being responsible, to let go, in an erotic environment. Those in the second subgroup (whose basic preference is for sexual submission) resemble the general population in that there are significantly more women than men. Indeed, women are much more likely than men to be sexually aroused by submissive behaviors, both in fantasy and practice, at least in rich industrialized countries (where such studies are usually conducted). Finally, it is worth noting that a significant subgroup of BDSM practitioners (approximately 30%) alternate between domination and submission (“switch” practitioners), depending on different factors (mood at the moment, identity and gender of a given partner, etc. Thus, preference for power in BDSM is not necessarily fixed over time, contrary to what is usually found in the general population with regard to sexual practice.”

 

Moving on to this week, I’m still playing catch up after the family visit, so this will be another pretty straightforward topic.  Norton mentioned that he much prefers posts that delve into things like the psychological motivations that underlie our DD and FLR interests.  I totally agree with him, and after ten years of blogging about this stuff, “What’s your favorite instrument or position?” topics don’t stimulate my interest very much.   

 

But, sometimes I just don’t have time to do a drill-down on something more abstract or philosophical, though I do enjoy writing those kinds of posts even if some don't like reading them and just want some spanking porn. (I got one snotty comment on the post from two weeks ago, from an anonymous commenter bitching that the comments were too deep and psychological. I deleted it without reply.)  And, while I generally agree with Norton’s preference, even the more tactical/instructional posts sometimes result in interesting insights from readers.

 

With all that said, this week’s post is pretty straight-forward, though perhaps it will allow all of us to share some titillating details about the logistics surrounding our respective DD sessions.  The topic comes from TB:

 

"Similar topic to what she is wearing- I’m also interested in the mechanics of how other people receive their punishments. Is it quick fire, steady rhythm with no warm up, or a scolding/ lecture once in position then the spanking, flurries of strokes with breaks, is it timed or does she just carry on until she’s satisfied, does she lecture throughout, are there instructions during the spanking, etc. how long, how many strokes, how many implements, what positions? Maybe an interesting topic when nothing else is forthcoming…"

 

We are very much creatures of habit; the vast majority of my spankings follow a pretty consistent pattern.

 

It is pretty rare for Anne to spank me immediately after an offense.  There’s usually some kind of announcement—sometimes face-to-face but often by text—identifying something I did that has earned a session.

 

 

There is often an hours’ long gap between that announcement that I am to be spanked and a follow-up telling me that it’s time. During that time, I’m usually on “pins and needles,” not knowing for sure when she’ll announce that it’s time.

 

When it finally happens, texting is again a preferred means of communication for her.  I will often be sitting in my home office when a text comes in saying something like, “You have 10 minutes until your spanking. Get ready.”  Though sometimes she walks in and tells me something like, “It’s time. Go get ready.”

 

I then go to the master bedroom.  In the past, I would have lowered the window shades but, as I’ve discussed in other posts, Anne decided several months ago that she wants them open.

 

 

I retrieve at least her two “go to” tools – the bath brush and ebony hairbrush from their usual place on our bathroom counter.  In years past, she would cycle through several tools per session, but over the last few years we have simplified that substantially, to the point that the hairbrush and bath brush really have become near-exclusive tools. But, I will often retrieve from the close a canvas carrying roll containing several other straps and paddles.

 

 

I put the tools either at the foot of our bed or on the large leather ottoman at the foot of the bed.  I then strip down to fully nude and . . . wait.  I never know exactly how long it will be before she comes into the room, and after she makes her entrance, she often spends some time puttering around in the bathroom. All the while, I stand there in the middle of the room, naked and afraid.

 

Finally, she comes out and stands in front of me.  She almost always gives some sort of pre-spanking lecture, but it’s usually a pretty straightforward recap of the behavior that put me in this position.  Sometimes, instead of reciting the charges herself, she’ll ask me to summarize why we are there.  There have been a few times that she’s been really angry about something and cut loose with a biting scolding, but most of the time it’s very business-like.

 

 

For several years, once the lecture was over, she would tell me, “Take your position,” which meant draping myself over that large leather ottoman, on which I would have placed a large cushion, to elevate my butt. 

 

But, two or three years ago, we experimented with OTK again for the first time in many years, having given it a mostly unsuccessful try at the outset of our experiments with DD.  Until Anne’s surgery in the latter part of last year, OTK had become the almost exclusive go-to position.  Now that she’s almost fully healed, I expect we will be returning to it soon. 

 

So, she will sit down on the ottoman and summon me to her side.  She usually conveys with a hand gesture that she is ready for me drape myself over her lap.

 

 

During the lecture phase, it is often so business-like that I don't have much of a reaction to it. But, as soon as I know it is time to drape myself over her lap, my anxiety jumps up quickly. Although I'm always shocked by just how much worse it is than I remembered, I remember well enough that I know what I'm in for and that it's going to be very unpleasant.

 

From the first swat, the action is usually steady and unrelenting.  There is almost never a warm-up.  She picks up one of the brushes, and simply starts swatting.  The strokes are always hard from beginning to end and delivered at a pace of one every second or two.  She’ll usually deliver a volley of 10 to 20, pause for a few seconds, then deliver another volley.

 

 

In the old days, there was little, if any, talking during the spanking itself.  These days, she does tend to pause from time to time, often for a rhetorical question like, “Am I getting through to you?” or “You keep doing [whatever the misbehavior was].  Do I need to spank you more often?” 

 

She doesn’t use a timer or hourglass, and as far as I know she doesn’t have a number of strokes in mind.  I’ve almost never succeeded in counting fully the number of swats during any session, but it’s pretty rare for there to be fewer than 200.  A lengthy one might be near double that.  But, her pace is such that the whole thing generally lasts only a few minutes.

 

 

What brings it to a close is usually (a) her sense that the punishment has fit the crime; (b) me showing signs that my butt has gone numb, so further swats aren’t serving much purpose; or (c) the condition of my butt.  She’s squeamish about even the most minor “spotting” of blood, and she often terminates a spanking that she clearly would like to keep going.

 

 

We don’t do anything in the way of aftercare, at least not immediately.  Usually, I get up and pull at least my jeans and underwear back on and put away her tools.  

 

 

 It is pretty common for us to have sex after a spanking, and it’s often during the warm-up that we have our deepest conversations about the DD and FLR aspects of our relationship and about taking things to another level of strictness, adopting a more explicitly maternal model, etc.

 

That’s about it for me.  There’s not much variety to it, but that’s OK.  I think the simplified routine actually makes it more likely for her to use disciplinary spankings consistently, as it’s efficient, takes only a few minutes of her time, and there isn’t a lot of decision-making involved.

 

Is there anything I would change?  I think I may suggest to her that she bring her brushes to me when she’s ready to get started, as I think the lecture phase would be even more intimidating if she were holding one or both brushes as she scolds me.  I might also suggest that we at least try me lowering my pants but not taking them off completely.  As we discussed last week, having jeans pooled up at your ankles is inherently awkward and limits mobility.  I think it might make me feel more vulnerable and might emphasize the power difference between us. But, she seems pretty into having me totally naked when she walks into the room.

 

How about you? What are the mechanics/logistics of your spanking sessions? Is there much variety, or do they follow a standard pattern? Has that pattern changed over time? Is there anything about the process you’d like to change?

 

Finally, during last week’s discussion, Doug mentioned a picture he had seen depicting a naked man moving hurriedly up the stairs, with his fully clothed wife coming behind him and carrying a spanking implement.  I think this is the pic he was looking for.

 

 

Have a great week.