The Club - Meeting 508 - Spanking Influences and Correlations (Or Lack Thereof)

“As kids, our experiences shape our opinions of ourselves and the world around us, and that's who we become as adults.” - Chris Hemsworth

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

Once again, before we get started, I would like to thank the female commenters who have recently joined us and to extend an invitation to all others who may be inclined to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We like having you around.

 

I hope you had a good week.  Mine was pretty good.  Quite a departure from last week on the Domestic Discipline front.  No spankings. 

 

Was it just me, or did last week’s conversation never quite gel?  A few comments here and there, but participation seemed to be down significantly.  Hopefully, people were just busy with other things.

 

Near the end of the weekly comments, Donn raised some issues about racial, religious, and geographic influences on adult DD participation. I don’t want to get into those issues directly, particularly religion and spanking. Whenever I’ve done so in the past, it’s attracted some discussion that I just don’t want to get into.  But, Donn’s comments did lead to an observation from me about the correlation, or lack thereof, between the prevalence of spankings in our respective childhoods and our DD desires as an adult.

 

My point being that, after over ten years of running this blog, I’ve been unable to detect any such correlation. Some of us were subject to corporal punishment as kids. Some weren’t. Some had strict parents. Some had very lax parents. Some experienced spankings in school. Some did not. 

 

 

Although I think most of us intuitively believe there should be a positive correlation between relative degrees of exposure to spanking as a kid and interest in spanking and discipline as an adult, I have a really difficult time seeing one emerge from the thousands and thousands of comments on this blog. We seem to assume that if we want to be spanked by our wives now it is probably because we were spanked by our mothers as kids, but I just haven't seen much evidence presented in our blog comments that it's actually true.

Some of you may be familiar with the polls that were posted on the old DWC website.  While illuminating, they too were riddled with hidden assumptions that almost undoutedly skewed the results. For example, there were several questions related to spankings by mothers, but there was not a single question (from what I recall) about whether participants were spanked by their fathers. There seemed to be a presumption, hidden in the otherwise seemingly neutral questions, that adult DD interest must be associated with parental spankings and, more narrowly, with spankings from the mother and not the father.

But, it’s also been a long time since I’ve tried to drill down into the issue in any systematic way.  In the early days of the blog, it was somewhat easier to figure out the leanings of our participants/lurkers on various issues, because Blogger had a neat little polling widget.  Unfortunately, that polling capability is long gone, so I’m stuck with just asking tailored questions and hoping people respond.  It’s a pain in the ass, but I’m going to try it again this week.

 

So, here goes my attempt to ask a series of questions with the specific intent of teasing out the extent to which there is or is not a correlation between our early spanking experience, or lack thereof, and out interests in DD as an adult. 

 

I hope both regular participants and lurkers will participate, as it’s an easy entry point into telling us all a little bit about your DD background but without having to craft a long, self-revelatory comment.  So, here goes. I’ve put the choices in parentheses to try to keep things simple:    

• What is your DD orientation? (spanker/spankee/switch)
•  How prevalent was spanking in the community/communities you grew up in? (very prevalent/moderately prevalent/not prevalent at all)
• How open were parents and kids in your community about spankings, including talking openly about the subject and/or spanking in public? (very open/moderately open/it was known but kept mostly/it was not discussed or performed in public at all)
• How frequently were you subject to corporal punishment at home? (frequently/a few times but not regularly/not at all)
• If you were subject to corporal punishment at home, who was the primary disciplinarian? (mother/father/both mother and father equally)
• Were you subject to corporal punishment at school? (yes/no)
• Were you spanked by relatives or third parties outside your home or school? (yes/no)
• At what age did you develop an interest in spanking or being spanked? (pre-teen/teen/20s/30s/40s or older)
• At what age did you develop an interest in Domestic Discipline or DWC-style spankings? (pre-teen/teen/20s/30s/40s or older)

 

Like I said, I’ve tried to keep this simple and straightforward. Unfortunately, I know from experience with the old Blogger polling widget that I will inevitably look at the responses a week from now and know I should have added certain questions or stated some questions differently. But, let’s go with those for now.

 

Please try to answer each question using one of the suggested options. But, feel free to give additional details to clarify or further elucidate your answers.

 

I will try to kick things off.

 

• What is your DD orientation? (spanker/spankee/switch)

 

Answer: Spankee

• How prevalent was spanking in the community/communities you grew up in? (very prevalent/moderately prevalent/not prevalent at all)

 

Answer: Very prevalent in the community I was born and raised in for several years. It was less prevalent, or at least not as openly prevalent, in the community where I went to high school.

 

• How open were parents and kids in your community about spankings, including talking openly about the subject and/or spanking in public? (very open/moderately open/it was known but kept mostly/it was not discussed or performed in public at all)

 

Answer:  In the community where I was born and raised for several years, it was very out in the open.  Parents talked about it and were not at all shy about spanking kids (their own and sometimes others) in places where it could be overheard or sometimes witnessed.  Where I went to high school, it was much less open, though still practiced in school.

 

• How frequently were you subject to corporal punishment at home? (frequently/a few times but not regularly/not at all)

 

        Answer: A few times but not regularly.

 

• If you were subject to corporal punishment at home, who was the primary disciplinarian? (mother/father/both mother and father equally)

 

Answer: I don’t have many specific memories of childhood spankings, but I think mother and father roughly equally. I recall my biological father (he died when I was young) threatening spankings, but I don't recall any actual ones. I am pretty sure my mother did spank me a few times when I was young, but not often. I do remember her spanking one of my step-siblings.  I recall one belt strapping from my step-father, and it was very memorable.

 

• Were you subject to corporal punishment at school? (yes/no)

 

Answer: Corporal punishment did take place at school, and I was sent to the principals’ office a few times with the expectation I would be paddled, but I don’t think it ever actually happened.

 

 

• Were you spanked by relatives or third parties outside your home or school? (yes/no)

 

Answer: Yes, a handful of times by uncles or aunts.  There may have been others, but I don’t recall.

 

• At what age did you develop an interest in spanking or being spanked? (pre-teen/teen/20s/30s/40s or older)

 

Answer: 30s.  Late 30s to be specific.

 

• At what age did you develop an interest in Domestic Discipline or DWC-style spankings? (pre-teen/teen/20s/30s/40s or older)

 

Answer: 30s. Late 30s to be specific.

 

Even though I’m sure it will be a small sample and the results won’t be remotely scientific, hopefully we’ll get enough answer to either see some patterns or conclude there just don’t seem to be any.  In any event, I look forward to see all your answers.

 

Have a great week.

The Club - Meeting 507 - Authority to Spank for Third-Party Interactions

Discipline yourself, and others won't need to. John Wooden

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

Once again, before we get started, I would like to thank the female commenters who have recently joined us and to extend an invitation to all others who may be inclined to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We like having you around.

 

I hope you all had a great week.  Mine seemed generally OK as I was going through it, but an outsider who isn’t into Domestic Discipline probably wouldn’t see it that way.  In a rare event for us, I got two spankings in the same week.  It was a consequence of two overlapping developments.  Anne surprised me in ordering a spanking for something that I thought didn’t really merit one in light of the whole context. She also brought it up as I was leaving to take care of something that seemed a lot more important.  I didn’t exactly refuse, but I certainly pushed back, and we got in an argument about it. She got angry and dismissed me without delivering the spanking.  I ended up apologizing relatively soon afterward, and the next time we were together, I got the first hard spanking.

 

The other, related development involved getting our weekly check-ins back on track, including using the weekly reporting form I highlighted here a couple of weeks ago.  When I filled out the form prior to our weekly session, I noted that the original misbehavior from earlier in the week had been addressed but the arguing/resisting had not.  Honestly, I probably could have spared myself the second spanking that resulted, simply by not pointing out that the two were separate, serious offenses and should be dealt with separately. But, I was feeling contrite about the arguing and felt there should be consequences.

 

It's been quite a while since I’ve been spanked twice within a few days. In the past, I didn’t feel like the second spankings were all that much worse, but this time it really was.  It definitely gave me an incentive to stop at—at most—one serious offense per week.

 

I thought we had a good discussion last week about the differences between DD and BDSM/Femdom, though I was a little surprised at how strong some of the views were.  I feel like I need to be clear that I don’t personally have any problem with BDSM or its practitioners.  Same with Femdom and Master-slave relationships.  They just aren’t what this blog is about, and I do get irritated when some newcomers ignore the disclaimers at the top of the blog and the DD-oriented content, and come wading in with comments replete with a bunch of very BDSM-oriented vocabulary and themes.  But, I do still credit people who are into BDSM with having the courage and freedom to explore their fantasies and give the finger to socially-imposed norms that might discourage such exploration.

 

As for this week’s topic, it comes from a suggestion Donn made a couple of weeks ago:

 

"How far outside your personal relationship with your wife does she extend her authority? In particular, what types of interactions with other people, third parties (not part of your immediate family) does your wife apply her "rules" and "expectations" for good behavior for? Verbal interactions with such outside people? Business interactions? Religious and moral affairs? Does your wife have some sort of broad standard, like "Never take unfair advantage of others," that she enforces for ALL of your behavior?”

 

I don’t really have a lot to contribute to this one, as the vast majority of my wife’s disciplinary authority is, in fact, exercised within the confines of our relationship.  When I’m punished, it’s almost always for some behavior that affected mainly her, or some personal failing or rule-breaking that didn’t effect any third-parties.

 

There have been a few exceptions.  A year or two ago, she got angry while we were out to dinner with another couple. She thought I was dominating the conversation.  The other wife is a personal friend and the only mutual friend/acquaintance who knows about our DD relationship.  The incident was notable for a couple of reasons. First, a day or two later it led to a very, very strong scolding followed by a hard spanking.  Second, at the time of the spanking she revealed to me that during a private moment at dinner she had told our friend that she was pissed off at my behavior and intended to spank me for it.

 

 

There were a couple of times, a long time ago, that I was spanked for something I said to one of the kids that she thought was hurtful or rude.

 

I can think of only one time that any kind of business interaction resulted in a punishment. I left a very nasty message for a business acquaintance over something I thought (mistakenly) he had done during the course of a matter we were working on for different clients.  I was both factually wrong and overly aggressive, though the guy was widely disliked in our professional community and my error was in-line with what many would have expected of him.  I actually don’t remember whether Anne spanked me for it, but I have a very strong memory of her forcing me to call and apologize to him.

 

 

There has never been any call to punish me for something like taking unfair advantage of others.  Same with things like being rude to waiters, waitresses, and other service providers.  I don’t have any tolerance for people who behave that way and would never do it myself. 

 

That’s about it for my personal experience on this topic.  One question I would add to Donn’s: If your wife does extend her authority to your interactions with third-parties, does the punishment involve those third-parties in any way?  For example, when I mistakenly accused the business acquaintance of bad behavior, my wife made me apologize directly to him, as he was the one I had wronged.  When she thought I was dominating a dinner conversation, she brought that friend into it by telling her what she intended to do to me, knowing that the next time we saw that friend she (and perhaps her husband) would know I had been spanked.  I recall being very self-conscious at our next get-together, because in being more careful about dominating the conversation, I knew that the friend might attribute my quieter demeanor to the spanking she had been told would happen.

 

 

And, of course, we’ve talked here multiple times about the fantasies some of us have regarding witnesses and some of us have assumed that it would be a much more emotionally powerful experience if a witness had been wronged in some way, such that the spanking was to correct or punish behavior that witness had experienced or been the victim of.  

 

So, tell us about far the wife’s authority extends outside your personal relationship.  If you’re willing, give some examples of how behavior toward third parties has resulted in being disciplined.

 

Have a great week

The Club - Meeting 506 - DD, DWC and BDSM - What's the Difference?

“Power is not a means; it is an end."  - George Orwell

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

Once again, before we get started, I would like to thank the female commenters who have recently joined us and to extend an invitation to all others who may be inclined to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We like having you around.

 

I hope you had a great week.  Mine was kind of mixed.  The super cold weather finally let up a bit.  It was nice to be able to go for a walk without having to bundle myself up like the younger brother in “A Christmas Story.”

 

 

On the DD and FLR front, for the first time that I can really remember, I came right out and asked not for a spanking, or for more strictness, but for a pause.  I realized that I was still struggling internally with the family loss we experienced at the first of the year, and I just wasn’t in the right headspace to deal with disciplinary spankings for something other than really egregious conduct problems or with our recently implemented check-in procedure.  I told Anne honestly how I was feeling, and she appeared to get it.  Isn’t communicating like adults wonderful?  I told her that I don’t expect to be in this negative headspace for that much longer (maybe a week or two), and hopefully that’s the way it plays out.

 

But, the situation was, perhaps a nice segue into part of this week’s topic.  Norton had brought up the possibility of discussing something along the lines of the story, A Husband’s Essay, from the DWC website.  He said:

 

"Dan, your last post was very compelling, and included two enthusiastic disciplinary wives who both talked about how much they enjoy disciplining their husbands. There was also a mention of "A Husband's Essay", which is about occassionally giving disciplinary level spankings even when the husband had done nothing wrong to earn one. This has also been referred to as a "therapeutic" spanking, which has been discussed on the blog before. One idea for a post is to see if any of us have tried it and/or how would we feel about it if the wife suggested it?"

 

The situation he referenced—giving or getting a disciplinary-level spanking even when the husband had nothing wrong—wasn’t quite the situation I was in last week.  Mine was more getting a spanking for something relatively minor (in my mind) at a time when I was wrestling emotionally with something much bigger.  There would have been nothing therapeutic about that for me at that time. Though, I can see how others might use spanking to work through emotional issues or to instigate some kind of catharsis.

But, as I told Norton, I’ve just never really liked that story and, in fact, it’s one of my least favorite pieces of content among all the DWC stories.  Why?  Well, I think it’s because my attraction has always been to what I see as the core elements of the DWC, i.e. accountability and consequences.  In my view, A Husband’s Essay could easily be titled “All the Reasons I Like Spanking That Have Absolutely Nothing to do With Domestic Discipline.”

 

As I think someone pointed out, in the FAQ section on the DWC website, Aunt Kay was emphatic that, in her view, it was not best to reserve all spanking for disciplinary purposes in a DWC home.  So, she was clearly more than open to non-DD spankings.   

 

But, I think it’s also a fact that virtually all the content she chose to write about and put on the DWC website was about real spankings as real consequences for real bad behavior.  A Husband’s Essay is, to me, the single nod to those other kinds of spanking that she wholeheartedly supported but chose not to make a focus of her group.

 

Al focused in on an another potentially “therapeutic” spanking scenario:

 

However, the idea of the wife spanking the husband (who has not "earned" a spanking) simply because she feels the need to spank - to relieve stress or frustration perhaps - is an interesting concept that we have not discussed as much as other topics.

 

 

For me, that one is a hard “no.”  So, I guess in addition to refusing a spanking if either of us are intoxicated, we can add that one to my very limited list of exceptions to “anytime, anywhere, for any reason.” 

 

Though, I recognize that maybe it’s not all that limited.  Instead, it reflects that, for me, the whole attraction to the dynamic needs to be tied to accountability and consequences. I have exactly zero interest in experiencing a very significant amount of pain just because someone else feels like inflicting it.

 

 

That discussion, and my observation that the WordPress version of the blog seemed to be attracting a lot of BDSM interest, led Alan to propose a somewhat broader topic:

 

There may be a future blog topic in the apparent confusion with F/M DD spanking and master/slave-femdom -BDSM It would be interesting for folks practicing or interested in spanking within a domestic discipline framework to discuss and explain the key differences felt between DD and BDSM. Many consider DD spanking to be another branch of the BDSM umbrella that comprises DD. I don’t. Dan doesn’t, and I think many others feel similar. Yet nowhere I know has anyone articulated clear differences. Spanking, for example, is common in BDSM; indeed, often, it seems central to BDSM. But to me, DD spanking has little in common with BDSM as it is commonly described. The comments Dan mentions above from Femdom interests illustrate the practical nature of the issue. Many in the BDSM community see no difference between what we practice and what they do. Can we move the needle a little?

 

So, let’s combine that with Norton’s suggestion about “therapeutic” spankings to explore exactly what it is that distinguishes a DD/DWC relationship from everything else? Or, is it really distinguishable?

 

To me, it clearly is, even if I can’t lay down a precise definition that encompasses all DD relationships and none of anything else.

 

Though, I don’t think it’s a purely binary thing. There are lots of variations in these relationships and, as we explored during our most recent explicit exploration of BDSM back in May of last year, many do incorporate BDSM elements into their DD/DWC relationships.

 

To me, maybe it boils down to two (sort of three) questions:

 

·      To what extent is there a core element of accountability and punishment, i.e. real consequences for real misbehavior, and to what is extent is that element “real” versus just an element of some kind of scene or role play; and

·      Is the erotic element, which I fully accept is a part of virtually every DWC-oriented relationship, the central motivation or goal?

 

I brought up—based on some real recent comments—what I see as something that is pretty clearly not on the DD side of the line, i.e. a scenario where he gets off on being spanked, and she gets off on giving spankings, so they do it every day regardless of behavior. To me, that is just plain old S&M. 

 

In response, Alan added: 

 

“But the question I raise is not -what are the degrees of difference--but is not the difference one of a kind? As many have noted re DD, it must be real and ( con sensually ) non-consensual to work.”

 

I’m not sure I understand 100% what he means by “is not the difference one of a kind?”  So, Alan, if you wouldn’t mind, can you explain that a little more?

 

So, let’s wrap up these threads into one topic on what distinguishes DD/DWC-style relationships from other relationships and activities that include spanking.  Or, as Al, put it: “This is an interesting direction - a post/discussion about the differences between true DD (DWC-style, for example) and BDSM - and perhaps the overlap as well.”

 

As a subset of that, we could talk about Norton’s reference to “therapeutic” spankings. On that one, Al had observed that he thought of “therapeutic” as being the same thing as “maintenance.”  I don’t see them quite that way.  I used to see maintenance as something that was pretty much outside the DD/DWC paradigm, but Al has convinced me that I’m wrong about that.  

 

 Although it probably is a gray area, I get the role in plays in reinforcing the couple’s respective roles and the overall DD/DWC dynamic. I see the dynamics in A Husband’s Essay as scenarios in which spanking is being used to serve an entirely different purpose, i.e. some kind of therapy or stress relief for either the spanker or the spankee. But, I’ve very interested to hear whether others see it differently.

 

Have a good week.

No post this week

Sorry all, but it's been kind of an exhausting week, thanks to a bunch of plumbing/heating problems caused by our sub-zero temperatures.  

I'm limping into the weekend, with zero interest in putting energy into a post.

I'm also suffering from a serious lack of inspiration. So, if you have ideas for future topics, please pass them along.  

Have a great weekend and upcoming week.

The Club - Meeting 505 - Owning Up to Bad Behavior, Knowing You'll Probably be Spanked for It

“Nothing is more intolerable than to have to admit to yourself your own errors.” - Ludwig van Beethoven

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

Once again, before we get started, I would like to thank the female commenters who have recently joined us and to extend an invitation to all others who may be inclined to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We like having you around.

 

I would especially like to thank L. and Miss E. for their candor in discussing the excitement and strong emotions they’ve experienced in giving disciplinary spankings.  In our oh-so-very egalitarian society, I suspect it is very hard to admit getting turned on by punishing and exercising control over a partner.  So, I applaud them for sharing their feelings so honestly with all of us.

 

I’m sorry for posting a day late.  I had some other things going on yesterday, beginning with shoveling snow in bone-chilling temperatures.  I guarantee no one where we live is dressed like this in the great outdoors today.

 

I’m also sorry that so many are having issues with accessing the blog.  Google’s penchant for launching ill-conceived new approaches to access controls for adult materials gets really old.  I’ve been reluctant to change platforms, as none of them (particularly free options) are going to be free from technical problems, and some of the popular options also have a mixed record when it comes to censoring adult materials. But, I’ve just about had it with Google at this point.  I spent part of last week playing around with the functionality of the WordPress site I’ve been double-posting to for a few months.  May I please ask some of you to check it out and leave a comment?  I’d like to get feedback, especially from our regular commenters, on the functionality and the look and feel. Here is the link.

 

This week’s topic is one that I know we’ve addressed fairly recently, but I was having a hard time coming up with anything truly new this week, and there were some developments on this front in my own DD relationship.

 

A couple of weeks ago, TB posted about his DD plans for the new year:

 

“In our discussions, she expressed discomfort with disciplining while angry or emotional, preferring to address issues when calm and rational. I explained that delay often meant it didn't happen. She also highlighted that whilst DD is an excellent tool for her, it is more 'ingrained' in me and she often feels the responsibility is uneven, as she processes emotions before deciding on discipline whereas I felt the 'need' soon after any misbehaviour. We agreed to incorporate a new element: me "owning up" to behavior I feel guilty about, discussing it face-to-face rather than through journaling. I (foolishly) suggested this as I explained that I was sometimes left to carry around the 'guilt' created by my behaviour for more time than was comfortable. She asked for some examples, which I relayed from the holiday period and an incident two days previously just to help the discussion. The examples led to a memorable strapping, which, while unexpected, effectively reset our dynamic.

 

We’ve now agreed that if I fail to confess, she will remind me and increase the punishment. I’m unsure if I’ve been outmaneuvered or if this is a step toward a more mature integration of DD in our relationship. Either way, I’m nervous about this new approach, really not looking forward to my first 'confession' but unsurprisingly I’m committed to maintaining exemplary behavior for now.”

 

  

ZM said he and his wife have also re-instituted a weekly check-in, which likely will result in more spankings.

 

Norton and I also had a short exchange about the story “Military Duty Calls” in the DWC’s “Real People” section. It involves a military wife who asks her mother to act as a surrogate disciplinarian for her husband, while she is away on a military deployment, over the husband’s strenuous objections.  The process included the husband keeping a diary of any rule violations and behavioral failures, which the mother-in-law would review.  A small dispute develops over whether a couple of things should have been reported, but finally the husband misbehaves in a way that uncontestably should have gone into the diary, but he failed to do it.  The wife describes what happened next:

 

“As it happens I heard about it first from Mom and right away I knew that it was something he had tried to hide deliberately, having been caught out with the same thing by me quite a while before. I immediately authorized him to be punished, telling her that I would get Charles to call her after I had spoken with him and she could then make the arrangements to deal with him the following evening.

 

When I spoke to Charles, I could tell right away that he was 'on edge' and after we got through the usual normal things we spoke about, I asked him if he had anything else to tell me and he confessed. I listened to what he had to say and then told him that he had let both himself and me down badly and for that he would be spanked. I then told him to call Mother right away and to tell her that he was phoning on my instructions to ask her to punish him.

 

To cut a long story short, she arranged to deal with him the next evening and duly did so leaving one very contrite, well-spanked son-in-law to pull himself together again. I am told that the session was a lot more 'impressive' than even her 'demonstration' before I left!”

 

I’ve always reacted strongly to comments and stories that involve “owning up” to one’s own bad behavior in a context that will almost certainly result in a hard spanking.  The fact that I find such practices morbidly fascinating may explain why I’ve always been so bad at adhering to any reporting regime.   

 

Though, honestly, I don’t think it has that much to do with the prospect of the spanking in and of itself.  It’s more about the embarrassment I feel in both confessing to some personal failing and, in effect, asking for a spanking for it.  Both the confessing and the asking are independently embarrassing, and I have a strong aversion to embarrassment.  That’s why stories like “Military Duty Calls” strike such a chord with me.  It’s incredibly hard for me to give Anne a live confession, knowing that it will result in a spanking. It’s hard for me to even imagine the embarrassment of having to confess to some other person and then get myself ready for a spanking from her (or him).

(Another aspect of the story that resonates strongly with me is that the husband receives a follow-up spanking upon the wife’s return.  I’ve always had a thing for anything that involves a spanking in one setting being followed by another at home.  It’s undoubtedly a reaction rooted in the custom when I was growing up of the school sending a note home letting parents know that a spanking had been given, which inevitably resulted in another at home.)

 

Yet, Anne and I are making another attempt at weekly in-person behavior reviews or “check-ins.” We tried such a system last spring to help me get over a period in which I felt like I had let life get very stagnant and unproductive.  It was short-lived, thanks to some intervening travel that was followed almost immediately with the onset of the medical/injury issues that put our entire DD dynamic on hold for months, but it really did seem to help me get on top of some chronic procrastination problems.  Anne also enjoyed the power of being in charge of the sessions, evaluating my performance and giving me directions and commands for the week ahead.

 

Now that our lives are getting a little closer to normal, we’re giving the check-ins another try.  I suggested that, before each meeting, I would give her a written “report” of the previous week, using a form that I modified from a form that, if I remember correctly, Glenmore posted several years ago.  Here is my version.

 

 

Anne likes the concept, and I later came up with a twist on it.  She will fill out the same form each week, and during our check-in, we will compare the two.  If she notes misbehavior that I failed to “own up to,” that may result in an additional spanking, on top of whatever the behavior itself earned.  The other benefit I foresee is it will help her get into the mindset of not just noticing bad behavior but documenting it and acting on it.  If I’m “owning up” to lots of behavior that she’s not documenting, it probably means she’s being too forgiving and not strict enough.  So, my hope is that over time it will reinforce her authority and make her more quick and consistent in exercising it.

 

 

Another aspect of the system is that I will be printing my electronic “to-do” list each week and putting it on open display in our kitchen.  The vast majority of the items on the list aren’t things Anne cares about. But, the idea is to make sure that I’m regularly documenting things I need to get done and checking them off the list regularly. The check-in form has a line for documenting—again, from both our perspectives—how I’m doing. It’s another effort at nipping the chronic procrastination thing in the bud.  As I write this, I’ve been thinking about a couple of items I want to check off the to-do list today, because I’m aware I have a check-in coming up in a few days.  That itself is progress.

 

FYI, we decided to our check-ins on Wednesdays, instead of at the end or beginning of the calendar week.  My thought was that our weekends tend to be busy and sometimes one of us is tied up or away from the other on the weekends.  Also, it’s pretty clear that my biggest behavioral failures around over-indulging seem to happen near the end of the work week, because that tends to be when I get together with friends. The soreness from a spanking early in the week would have dissipated by the weekend, but I would almost certainly be sitting on a sore butt during a Thursday or Friday happy hour after a spanking on Wednesday. Hopefully, it will serve the same purpose as a “preventative” spanking.

 

 

How do the rest of you handle “owning up” to bad behavior?  Or, do you do so at all?  If so, do you find it as difficult as I do?  Is it because of the inherent embarrassment of openly confessing to some personal failure? Or is it that you are, in effect, asking for a spanking?

 

 

One aspect of the discussion with Anne on this was particularly interesting to me, as it shows how attitudes about aspects of DD can change over time. Anne said that she really likes observing the embarrassment and anxiety I experience in “owning up” to my bad behavior.  Yet, I distinctly recall that, early on in our DD experimentation, she said she didn’t like me directly asking to be spanked, because it felt like I was controlling the process instead of her.  She felt like it undermined her authority. Why the change? I suspect it’s because her authority is now much more firmly established in her own mind, so she no longer worries as much about me undermining it by asking for what we both know I have coming.

 

How about the other wives?  How do you feel about your husband owning up to his bad behavior?  Is it something you want or expect him to do? Is there any formal process for doing it, like a check-in or in-person report?  Does it empower you to have him confess his shortcomings, or do you see it as undermining your own authority to determine what does and does not merit a spanking or other punishment?

 

Have a great week.

The Club - Meeting 504 - Disciplinary Spankings and Strong Emotions

“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” - Brene Brown

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

Once again, before we get started, I would like to thank the female commenters who have recently joined us and to extend an invitation to all others who may be inclined to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We like having you around.

 

Before we get started, Google seems to once again be wreaking havoc with its adult content controls.  Some have complained that they are being blocked from viewing the blog.  It seems to be a matter of being logged in to Google.  I've played around with multiple browsers, and it seems to be the case that I can access the blog from any browser if I'm logged in and not at all if I'm not.  I hope this isn't an insurmountable issue for anyone, as it does appear that people can login and still post anonymously.  I'm still considering making a full move to Wordpress, though it's hardly censor-free either.

 

I hope you all had a good week.  It suddenly got very cold where we are.  I used to be very into skiing.  Now, I’m very into hanging out in warm clothes in front of the fireplace.  Given the temps were in the single digits when I woke up this morning, it would take a lot to lure me out for anything more ambitious than dog walks.

 

The last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster for me.  So, perhaps it’s apropos that even before our holiday season became so laden with hard emotions, I’d flagged an exchange I’d had with a new-ish commenter going by CalSpankee as a great candidate for a new topic.  Here’s his first comment that forms the basis for this week’s topic:

 

“Time and time again I see the same adjectives being used to describe a first reaction to spanking as a young person: scary, thrilling, exciting. Very strong emotion is being evoked. When we hear about another person being spanked, it's mostly thrilling and exciting. Ditto if we think of ourselves being spanked when there is no real chance of it happening. But if we are a kid and there is a real prospect of being spanked, the scary part predominates over the thrilling and exciting part. What's going on is that we crave strong emotion. Hence the connection with risky activities such as mountain climbing, motorcycle riding, etc. Later we enter puberty and another very strong emotion appears in our lives: sex. Somehow the brain ties these two very different things together. So as an adult the thought of a spanking can be sexually arousing. But, as I think most of us would say, actually being spanked hard is not sexy as all, it just hurts a whole lot. Still, we crave the incredible excitement of it all.”

 

I responded:

 

“Great observation. I totally agree that we often crave strong emotions. And, perversely, it can include strong negative emotions. It happens to me sometimes with books that have very dark themes. For others, maybe it's something like horror movies. Real life can seem so bland sometimes that anything with strong emotions attached to may seem attractive. You're undoubtedly right that the craving for strong emotions can somehow become associated with something like spanking. I suspect it may also be a core part of the attraction some have to embarrassment and humiliation.

 

For me, real DD spankings are "thrilling" or "exciting" only in the most abstract sense. I guess they are literally "exciting" in that I used to almost always get an erection before one (that's no longer the case - it still happens but not nearly as often), yet from the very beginning that excitement was closer to fear or anxiety than any more positive form of excitement.

 

I do think that when she is in a very bossy mode, that can be exciting in a positive sense, though the timing is important. At the moment she is bossing me around, I very seldom am excited about it. Instead, I'm annoyed. And, she knows it. Part of the excitement for her is making me do something when she knows I genuinely don't want to and that, in that moment, I resent the authority. It's only later, in retrospect, that it becomes sexy or exciting for me.”

 

In a comment on last week’s post, referring to some of the things I hoped to bring into our DD relationship in a bigger way in 2025, CalSpankee again brought up the subject of spankings’ ability to evoke strong emotions:

 

What you described -- maternal, strictness, openness, frequency, etc.-- is certainly totally up my alley and is quite probably what a great many of the males on this website would like. What's at the very bottom of this (pun intended), I think, is a desire to experience great emotion. There is a lot of emotion in contemplating a spanking, and there can be a lot of emotion in receiving one. The key to the latter, I'm convinced, is a stop-and-go type of spanking where there is very hard spanking interspersed with pauses where there is scolding. If a spanking has few pauses and there is only continuously unbearable pain, what I find is very counterintuitive. When it's "hold on for dear life" survival mode, I cannot think of anything but the pain and surprisingly there is no room left in my mind for regret, remorse or even fear or panic.

 

So, let’s talk about emotions evoked by spanking specifically and by a Domestic Discipline or FLR-style relationship generally.

 

As a preliminary matter, do people crave experiencing strong emotions? Although I believe I do, I really don’t know when it comes to others. It was illuminating that, when searching for an appropriate quote to lead off the post, the vast majority of the popular quotes I found regarding strong emotions stressed either (a) the necessity for controlling motions, or (b) the undesirability of “negative” emotions like anger and fear.  When I searched specifically for quotes acknowledging that such “negative” emotions have value and should be experienced and embraced, there were vanishingly few.

 

Yet, my attraction to DD began with what I would describe as very powerful, dark emotions, evoked by the stories on the Disciplinary Wives Club website.  Although they were “exciting” in the literal sense that I got an erection reading them, at the root of that excitement was fear and anxiety at any thought of asking Anne to try such a lifestyle. In fact, 20+ years later, I vividly recall how anxious I was about talking to her about it, and it wasn't really fear of a negative reaction. Rather, it was an almost nauseous anxiety about what it would mean for me if she had a positive reaction.

 

I’ve described the initial reaction as a “morbid fascination,” but the emphasis would have been heavily on morbid.  Whatever “excitement” I felt was rooted in something totally different than what I might have gotten from looking at garden variety porn or reading about any other kink.  This was far deeper and far darker.

 

In retrospect, one reason my favorite story on the DWC has always been Al’s Even More may be that it’s probably the only one that acknowledges the dark emotions at the heart of the subject’s DD interest.  Indeed, the story uses the term “morbid fascination” to describe the impact of the lead character’s discovery of the DWC.  Upon reading Aunt Kay’s advice that, "The longer and harder you spank, the more he will love you for it," the story says, “That final remark haunted him, touched something deep and dark far down in his soul, as he read the pages in the site over and over.”

 

That really nails what it my discovery the DWC and DD was like for me.  Although there clearly was a deep erotic component, the experienced emotions were something much more akin to fear.  If I had to pick only one word to describe it, I think it would be "vulnerability". A really deep, gut wrenching sense of having made myself vulnerable to someone--and someone's authority--in a way that was totally contrary to how I usually lived my life.  My wife was very supportive during the whole phase of talking about it and getting ready for the first disciplinary spanking, but what I was experiencing was pure fear.  Not so much fear of the pain, but fear of how I would react and, as I said, fear of being that vulnerable.

Even today, twenty years later, fear and anxiety are at the top of the driving emotions.  And, as CalSpanker noted, many of the elements I’d like to explore more in 2025—strict control, maternal authority, open displays of authority, witnessed or overheard spankings—do engender emotions that most deem “negative”.

 

Loss of control and the vulnerability that comes with it. Having one’s status diminished in relation to another’s authority. The frustration of being told what to do or being subject to externally imposed consequences.  Embarrassment at an overheard or witnessed spanking. Being subjected to a hard scolding in front of others.

 

And, of course, there is my perennial fascination with tears.  To me, tears can be both (a) indicative that strong emotions are being experienced; and (b) a cause of very strong emotions, such as embarrassment or fear of showing the extreme vulnerability associated with being an adult, male, sobbing from someone’s exercise of punitive authority.  It’s why this meme has always been on of my very favorite captioned spanking photos, as it incorporates an express acknowledgement that crying may be extremely embarrassing, yet that embarrassment may be something she actively wants to put him through.

 

 

The fact that I haven’t cried in 20 years of doing DD may, in fact, be a great example of how we can crave yet avoid experiencing strong emotion. I have no doubt that a big reason I haven’t been able to let go and cry is that I’m afraid of experiencing the embarrassment and extreme vulnerability inherent in it.  There’s also the fear of being so overwhelmed by the whole situation that it could make me sob.

 

I also think I experience much more emotion from the anticipation of a spanking than from the spanking itself. 

 

 It’s possible CalSpankee is right I don’t have a lot of chance to experience emotions during it, because Anne is systematically blistering my ass without a lot of breaks in-between.  I also think it’s because I tend to “man up” and just try to get through it. We’ve talked about letting me practice emoting more during the spanking, and perhaps that’s something I should put on my 2025 list of things to explore.

 

CalSpankee referenced how non-spanking activities I’ve referenced like motorcycles and mountain climbing also reflect a craving for strong emotion. Yes and no. I’ve always had a thing for speed and acceleration, which explains a lot of my attraction to motorcycles and skiing. But, motorcycles are also oddly meditative for me, often causing me to experience a reduction in emotions. 

 

As for mountain climbing, I’ve only climbed one serious mountain, and part of that experience does share some emotional elements with spanking. What I took away from that climb was not the thrill of summiting, or the accomplishment of the ascent but, rather, the sheer agony of the hike down, when I was totally drained of energy in a way I’ve never experienced before.  But, a storm was coming in and I had to get down.  I’ve never been pushed so far beyond my limits, and there was a strong non-consensual element in it; I simply had no choice but to stay in the experience until the mountain decided I was done. It really shook me up in a way that stayed with me for weeks.  It did feel like an amped up version of the emotional drain we can feel at the end of a very long, hard spanking.

 

 

I also think CalSpankee is right that, for some of us, the attraction to DD as adults may be connected to strong emotions experienced in being subject to spankings as a child.  I definitely think that the emotions I experienced from the reality, or the threat, of childhood spankings was stronger than what I experience as an adult, probably because of the inevitability and pure powerlessness.

 

 

It's also the case that a very large proportion of my spanking art and picture collection that involves a strong display of real emotion on the spankee's part takes place in a school setting. And, almost always involves a female spankee.  Whether in drawings or photos, there just aren't many good examples of men showing anything like real fear, anxiety, or remorse.

 

 

We also shouldn’t forget to address the spankers’ emotional experience.  I hope some of our wives will weigh in here.  I have no personal experience with it, having never been a switch and never having given a real disciplinary spanking (or any adult spanking at all).

 

I’ve told Anne frequently that I hope she enjoys the emotions associated with being in charge and with giving spankings. She has told me that she does enjoy the feeling of power that comes from bossing me around, including making me do chores or perform services for her when she knows that I do not get off on those things.  As for giving spankings, she’s more equivocal. She’s said she experiences a rush of power in telling me to get ready for a spanking and watching me comply. I've also detected a few times that she seems to get antsy if she hasn't had an opportunity to exercise that power in a while.

However, in the past she’s denied enjoying the spanking itself, though I it’s clear she doesn’t dislike doing it.  She also seems to like having a way to express emotions like anger, aggravation and disappointment.  I like this drawing by RedRump, and one thing that's always attracted me to his spanking art is that he allows his women to fully express the anger that so many of our wives undoubtedly feel regarding our behavior.

Share with us anything that seems relevant to the topic regarding your own desire for and experience with strong emotions from anticipating a spanking or from getting one, or strong emotions associated with the whole concept of being in a DD or FLR relationship. What emotions do you experience?  Are there some emotional boundaries you don’t want to cross or emotions you don’t want to experience?  Are your strong emotions mainly “positive” or what we usually deem “negative”? 

 

For the wives, what emotions do you experience in ordering, anticipating or giving a spanking?  Are there strong emotions you associate with being in charge?  With displaying to him, or to others, that you are in charge? Are there certain emotions you try to evoke in him when spanking him or making him submit to your authority, the way Anne likes making me feel vulnerable.

Have a great week.