The Club - Meeting 505 - Owning Up to Bad Behavior, Knowing You'll Probably be Spanked for It

“Nothing is more intolerable than to have to admit to yourself your own errors.” - Ludwig van Beethoven

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

Once again, before we get started, I would like to thank the female commenters who have recently joined us and to extend an invitation to all others who may be inclined to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We like having you around.

 

I would especially like to thank L. and Miss E. for their candor in discussing the excitement and strong emotions they’ve experienced in giving disciplinary spankings.  In our oh-so-very egalitarian society, I suspect it is very hard to admit getting turned on by punishing and exercising control over a partner.  So, I applaud them for sharing their feelings so honestly with all of us.

 

I’m sorry for posting a day late.  I had some other things going on yesterday, beginning with shoveling snow in bone-chilling temperatures.  I guarantee no one where we live is dressed like this in the great outdoors today.

 

I’m also sorry that so many are having issues with accessing the blog.  Google’s penchant for launching ill-conceived new approaches to access controls for adult materials gets really old.  I’ve been reluctant to change platforms, as none of them (particularly free options) are going to be free from technical problems, and some of the popular options also have a mixed record when it comes to censoring adult materials. But, I’ve just about had it with Google at this point.  I spent part of last week playing around with the functionality of the WordPress site I’ve been double-posting to for a few months.  May I please ask some of you to check it out and leave a comment?  I’d like to get feedback, especially from our regular commenters, on the functionality and the look and feel. Here is the link.

 

This week’s topic is one that I know we’ve addressed fairly recently, but I was having a hard time coming up with anything truly new this week, and there were some developments on this front in my own DD relationship.

 

A couple of weeks ago, TB posted about his DD plans for the new year:

 

“In our discussions, she expressed discomfort with disciplining while angry or emotional, preferring to address issues when calm and rational. I explained that delay often meant it didn't happen. She also highlighted that whilst DD is an excellent tool for her, it is more 'ingrained' in me and she often feels the responsibility is uneven, as she processes emotions before deciding on discipline whereas I felt the 'need' soon after any misbehaviour. We agreed to incorporate a new element: me "owning up" to behavior I feel guilty about, discussing it face-to-face rather than through journaling. I (foolishly) suggested this as I explained that I was sometimes left to carry around the 'guilt' created by my behaviour for more time than was comfortable. She asked for some examples, which I relayed from the holiday period and an incident two days previously just to help the discussion. The examples led to a memorable strapping, which, while unexpected, effectively reset our dynamic.

 

We’ve now agreed that if I fail to confess, she will remind me and increase the punishment. I’m unsure if I’ve been outmaneuvered or if this is a step toward a more mature integration of DD in our relationship. Either way, I’m nervous about this new approach, really not looking forward to my first 'confession' but unsurprisingly I’m committed to maintaining exemplary behavior for now.”

 

  

ZM said he and his wife have also re-instituted a weekly check-in, which likely will result in more spankings.

 

Norton and I also had a short exchange about the story “Military Duty Calls” in the DWC’s “Real People” section. It involves a military wife who asks her mother to act as a surrogate disciplinarian for her husband, while she is away on a military deployment, over the husband’s strenuous objections.  The process included the husband keeping a diary of any rule violations and behavioral failures, which the mother-in-law would review.  A small dispute develops over whether a couple of things should have been reported, but finally the husband misbehaves in a way that uncontestably should have gone into the diary, but he failed to do it.  The wife describes what happened next:

 

“As it happens I heard about it first from Mom and right away I knew that it was something he had tried to hide deliberately, having been caught out with the same thing by me quite a while before. I immediately authorized him to be punished, telling her that I would get Charles to call her after I had spoken with him and she could then make the arrangements to deal with him the following evening.

 

When I spoke to Charles, I could tell right away that he was 'on edge' and after we got through the usual normal things we spoke about, I asked him if he had anything else to tell me and he confessed. I listened to what he had to say and then told him that he had let both himself and me down badly and for that he would be spanked. I then told him to call Mother right away and to tell her that he was phoning on my instructions to ask her to punish him.

 

To cut a long story short, she arranged to deal with him the next evening and duly did so leaving one very contrite, well-spanked son-in-law to pull himself together again. I am told that the session was a lot more 'impressive' than even her 'demonstration' before I left!”

 

I’ve always reacted strongly to comments and stories that involve “owning up” to one’s own bad behavior in a context that will almost certainly result in a hard spanking.  The fact that I find such practices morbidly fascinating may explain why I’ve always been so bad at adhering to any reporting regime.   

 

Though, honestly, I don’t think it has that much to do with the prospect of the spanking in and of itself.  It’s more about the embarrassment I feel in both confessing to some personal failing and, in effect, asking for a spanking for it.  Both the confessing and the asking are independently embarrassing, and I have a strong aversion to embarrassment.  That’s why stories like “Military Duty Calls” strike such a chord with me.  It’s incredibly hard for me to give Anne a live confession, knowing that it will result in a spanking. It’s hard for me to even imagine the embarrassment of having to confess to some other person and then get myself ready for a spanking from her (or him).

(Another aspect of the story that resonates strongly with me is that the husband receives a follow-up spanking upon the wife’s return.  I’ve always had a thing for anything that involves a spanking in one setting being followed by another at home.  It’s undoubtedly a reaction rooted in the custom when I was growing up of the school sending a note home letting parents know that a spanking had been given, which inevitably resulted in another at home.)

 

Yet, Anne and I are making another attempt at weekly in-person behavior reviews or “check-ins.” We tried such a system last spring to help me get over a period in which I felt like I had let life get very stagnant and unproductive.  It was short-lived, thanks to some intervening travel that was followed almost immediately with the onset of the medical/injury issues that put our entire DD dynamic on hold for months, but it really did seem to help me get on top of some chronic procrastination problems.  Anne also enjoyed the power of being in charge of the sessions, evaluating my performance and giving me directions and commands for the week ahead.

 

Now that our lives are getting a little closer to normal, we’re giving the check-ins another try.  I suggested that, before each meeting, I would give her a written “report” of the previous week, using a form that I modified from a form that, if I remember correctly, Glenmore posted several years ago.  Here is my version.

 

 

Anne likes the concept, and I later came up with a twist on it.  She will fill out the same form each week, and during our check-in, we will compare the two.  If she notes misbehavior that I failed to “own up to,” that may result in an additional spanking, on top of whatever the behavior itself earned.  The other benefit I foresee is it will help her get into the mindset of not just noticing bad behavior but documenting it and acting on it.  If I’m “owning up” to lots of behavior that she’s not documenting, it probably means she’s being too forgiving and not strict enough.  So, my hope is that over time it will reinforce her authority and make her more quick and consistent in exercising it.

 

 

Another aspect of the system is that I will be printing my electronic “to-do” list each week and putting it on open display in our kitchen.  The vast majority of the items on the list aren’t things Anne cares about. But, the idea is to make sure that I’m regularly documenting things I need to get done and checking them off the list regularly. The check-in form has a line for documenting—again, from both our perspectives—how I’m doing. It’s another effort at nipping the chronic procrastination thing in the bud.  As I write this, I’ve been thinking about a couple of items I want to check off the to-do list today, because I’m aware I have a check-in coming up in a few days.  That itself is progress.

 

FYI, we decided to our check-ins on Wednesdays, instead of at the end or beginning of the calendar week.  My thought was that our weekends tend to be busy and sometimes one of us is tied up or away from the other on the weekends.  Also, it’s pretty clear that my biggest behavioral failures around over-indulging seem to happen near the end of the work week, because that tends to be when I get together with friends. The soreness from a spanking early in the week would have dissipated by the weekend, but I would almost certainly be sitting on a sore butt during a Thursday or Friday happy hour after a spanking on Wednesday. Hopefully, it will serve the same purpose as a “preventative” spanking.

 

 

How do the rest of you handle “owning up” to bad behavior?  Or, do you do so at all?  If so, do you find it as difficult as I do?  Is it because of the inherent embarrassment of openly confessing to some personal failure? Or is it that you are, in effect, asking for a spanking?

 

 

One aspect of the discussion with Anne on this was particularly interesting to me, as it shows how attitudes about aspects of DD can change over time. Anne said that she really likes observing the embarrassment and anxiety I experience in “owning up” to my bad behavior.  Yet, I distinctly recall that, early on in our DD experimentation, she said she didn’t like me directly asking to be spanked, because it felt like I was controlling the process instead of her.  She felt like it undermined her authority. Why the change? I suspect it’s because her authority is now much more firmly established in her own mind, so she no longer worries as much about me undermining it by asking for what we both know I have coming.

 

How about the other wives?  How do you feel about your husband owning up to his bad behavior?  Is it something you want or expect him to do? Is there any formal process for doing it, like a check-in or in-person report?  Does it empower you to have him confess his shortcomings, or do you see it as undermining your own authority to determine what does and does not merit a spanking or other punishment?

 

Have a great week.

The Club - Meeting 504 - Disciplinary Spankings and Strong Emotions

“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” - Brene Brown

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

Once again, before we get started, I would like to thank the female commenters who have recently joined us and to extend an invitation to all others who may be inclined to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We like having you around.

 

Before we get started, Google seems to once again be wreaking havoc with its adult content controls.  Some have complained that they are being blocked from viewing the blog.  It seems to be a matter of being logged in to Google.  I've played around with multiple browsers, and it seems to be the case that I can access the blog from any browser if I'm logged in and not at all if I'm not.  I hope this isn't an insurmountable issue for anyone, as it does appear that people can login and still post anonymously.  I'm still considering making a full move to Wordpress, though it's hardly censor-free either.

 

I hope you all had a good week.  It suddenly got very cold where we are.  I used to be very into skiing.  Now, I’m very into hanging out in warm clothes in front of the fireplace.  Given the temps were in the single digits when I woke up this morning, it would take a lot to lure me out for anything more ambitious than dog walks.

 

The last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster for me.  So, perhaps it’s apropos that even before our holiday season became so laden with hard emotions, I’d flagged an exchange I’d had with a new-ish commenter going by CalSpankee as a great candidate for a new topic.  Here’s his first comment that forms the basis for this week’s topic:

 

“Time and time again I see the same adjectives being used to describe a first reaction to spanking as a young person: scary, thrilling, exciting. Very strong emotion is being evoked. When we hear about another person being spanked, it's mostly thrilling and exciting. Ditto if we think of ourselves being spanked when there is no real chance of it happening. But if we are a kid and there is a real prospect of being spanked, the scary part predominates over the thrilling and exciting part. What's going on is that we crave strong emotion. Hence the connection with risky activities such as mountain climbing, motorcycle riding, etc. Later we enter puberty and another very strong emotion appears in our lives: sex. Somehow the brain ties these two very different things together. So as an adult the thought of a spanking can be sexually arousing. But, as I think most of us would say, actually being spanked hard is not sexy as all, it just hurts a whole lot. Still, we crave the incredible excitement of it all.”

 

I responded:

 

“Great observation. I totally agree that we often crave strong emotions. And, perversely, it can include strong negative emotions. It happens to me sometimes with books that have very dark themes. For others, maybe it's something like horror movies. Real life can seem so bland sometimes that anything with strong emotions attached to may seem attractive. You're undoubtedly right that the craving for strong emotions can somehow become associated with something like spanking. I suspect it may also be a core part of the attraction some have to embarrassment and humiliation.

 

For me, real DD spankings are "thrilling" or "exciting" only in the most abstract sense. I guess they are literally "exciting" in that I used to almost always get an erection before one (that's no longer the case - it still happens but not nearly as often), yet from the very beginning that excitement was closer to fear or anxiety than any more positive form of excitement.

 

I do think that when she is in a very bossy mode, that can be exciting in a positive sense, though the timing is important. At the moment she is bossing me around, I very seldom am excited about it. Instead, I'm annoyed. And, she knows it. Part of the excitement for her is making me do something when she knows I genuinely don't want to and that, in that moment, I resent the authority. It's only later, in retrospect, that it becomes sexy or exciting for me.”

 

In a comment on last week’s post, referring to some of the things I hoped to bring into our DD relationship in a bigger way in 2025, CalSpankee again brought up the subject of spankings’ ability to evoke strong emotions:

 

What you described -- maternal, strictness, openness, frequency, etc.-- is certainly totally up my alley and is quite probably what a great many of the males on this website would like. What's at the very bottom of this (pun intended), I think, is a desire to experience great emotion. There is a lot of emotion in contemplating a spanking, and there can be a lot of emotion in receiving one. The key to the latter, I'm convinced, is a stop-and-go type of spanking where there is very hard spanking interspersed with pauses where there is scolding. If a spanking has few pauses and there is only continuously unbearable pain, what I find is very counterintuitive. When it's "hold on for dear life" survival mode, I cannot think of anything but the pain and surprisingly there is no room left in my mind for regret, remorse or even fear or panic.

 

So, let’s talk about emotions evoked by spanking specifically and by a Domestic Discipline or FLR-style relationship generally.

 

As a preliminary matter, do people crave experiencing strong emotions? Although I believe I do, I really don’t know when it comes to others. It was illuminating that, when searching for an appropriate quote to lead off the post, the vast majority of the popular quotes I found regarding strong emotions stressed either (a) the necessity for controlling motions, or (b) the undesirability of “negative” emotions like anger and fear.  When I searched specifically for quotes acknowledging that such “negative” emotions have value and should be experienced and embraced, there were vanishingly few.

 

Yet, my attraction to DD began with what I would describe as very powerful, dark emotions, evoked by the stories on the Disciplinary Wives Club website.  Although they were “exciting” in the literal sense that I got an erection reading them, at the root of that excitement was fear and anxiety at any thought of asking Anne to try such a lifestyle. In fact, 20+ years later, I vividly recall how anxious I was about talking to her about it, and it wasn't really fear of a negative reaction. Rather, it was an almost nauseous anxiety about what it would mean for me if she had a positive reaction.

 

I’ve described the initial reaction as a “morbid fascination,” but the emphasis would have been heavily on morbid.  Whatever “excitement” I felt was rooted in something totally different than what I might have gotten from looking at garden variety porn or reading about any other kink.  This was far deeper and far darker.

 

In retrospect, one reason my favorite story on the DWC has always been Al’s Even More may be that it’s probably the only one that acknowledges the dark emotions at the heart of the subject’s DD interest.  Indeed, the story uses the term “morbid fascination” to describe the impact of the lead character’s discovery of the DWC.  Upon reading Aunt Kay’s advice that, "The longer and harder you spank, the more he will love you for it," the story says, “That final remark haunted him, touched something deep and dark far down in his soul, as he read the pages in the site over and over.”

 

That really nails what it my discovery the DWC and DD was like for me.  Although there clearly was a deep erotic component, the experienced emotions were something much more akin to fear.  If I had to pick only one word to describe it, I think it would be "vulnerability". A really deep, gut wrenching sense of having made myself vulnerable to someone--and someone's authority--in a way that was totally contrary to how I usually lived my life.  My wife was very supportive during the whole phase of talking about it and getting ready for the first disciplinary spanking, but what I was experiencing was pure fear.  Not so much fear of the pain, but fear of how I would react and, as I said, fear of being that vulnerable.

Even today, twenty years later, fear and anxiety are at the top of the driving emotions.  And, as CalSpanker noted, many of the elements I’d like to explore more in 2025—strict control, maternal authority, open displays of authority, witnessed or overheard spankings—do engender emotions that most deem “negative”.

 

Loss of control and the vulnerability that comes with it. Having one’s status diminished in relation to another’s authority. The frustration of being told what to do or being subject to externally imposed consequences.  Embarrassment at an overheard or witnessed spanking. Being subjected to a hard scolding in front of others.

 

And, of course, there is my perennial fascination with tears.  To me, tears can be both (a) indicative that strong emotions are being experienced; and (b) a cause of very strong emotions, such as embarrassment or fear of showing the extreme vulnerability associated with being an adult, male, sobbing from someone’s exercise of punitive authority.  It’s why this meme has always been on of my very favorite captioned spanking photos, as it incorporates an express acknowledgement that crying may be extremely embarrassing, yet that embarrassment may be something she actively wants to put him through.

 

 

The fact that I haven’t cried in 20 years of doing DD may, in fact, be a great example of how we can crave yet avoid experiencing strong emotion. I have no doubt that a big reason I haven’t been able to let go and cry is that I’m afraid of experiencing the embarrassment and extreme vulnerability inherent in it.  There’s also the fear of being so overwhelmed by the whole situation that it could make me sob.

 

I also think I experience much more emotion from the anticipation of a spanking than from the spanking itself. 

 

 It’s possible CalSpankee is right I don’t have a lot of chance to experience emotions during it, because Anne is systematically blistering my ass without a lot of breaks in-between.  I also think it’s because I tend to “man up” and just try to get through it. We’ve talked about letting me practice emoting more during the spanking, and perhaps that’s something I should put on my 2025 list of things to explore.

 

CalSpankee referenced how non-spanking activities I’ve referenced like motorcycles and mountain climbing also reflect a craving for strong emotion. Yes and no. I’ve always had a thing for speed and acceleration, which explains a lot of my attraction to motorcycles and skiing. But, motorcycles are also oddly meditative for me, often causing me to experience a reduction in emotions. 

 

As for mountain climbing, I’ve only climbed one serious mountain, and part of that experience does share some emotional elements with spanking. What I took away from that climb was not the thrill of summiting, or the accomplishment of the ascent but, rather, the sheer agony of the hike down, when I was totally drained of energy in a way I’ve never experienced before.  But, a storm was coming in and I had to get down.  I’ve never been pushed so far beyond my limits, and there was a strong non-consensual element in it; I simply had no choice but to stay in the experience until the mountain decided I was done. It really shook me up in a way that stayed with me for weeks.  It did feel like an amped up version of the emotional drain we can feel at the end of a very long, hard spanking.

 

 

I also think CalSpankee is right that, for some of us, the attraction to DD as adults may be connected to strong emotions experienced in being subject to spankings as a child.  I definitely think that the emotions I experienced from the reality, or the threat, of childhood spankings was stronger than what I experience as an adult, probably because of the inevitability and pure powerlessness.

 

 

It's also the case that a very large proportion of my spanking art and picture collection that involves a strong display of real emotion on the spankee's part takes place in a school setting. And, almost always involves a female spankee.  Whether in drawings or photos, there just aren't many good examples of men showing anything like real fear, anxiety, or remorse.

 

 

We also shouldn’t forget to address the spankers’ emotional experience.  I hope some of our wives will weigh in here.  I have no personal experience with it, having never been a switch and never having given a real disciplinary spanking (or any adult spanking at all).

 

I’ve told Anne frequently that I hope she enjoys the emotions associated with being in charge and with giving spankings. She has told me that she does enjoy the feeling of power that comes from bossing me around, including making me do chores or perform services for her when she knows that I do not get off on those things.  As for giving spankings, she’s more equivocal. She’s said she experiences a rush of power in telling me to get ready for a spanking and watching me comply. I've also detected a few times that she seems to get antsy if she hasn't had an opportunity to exercise that power in a while.

However, in the past she’s denied enjoying the spanking itself, though I it’s clear she doesn’t dislike doing it.  She also seems to like having a way to express emotions like anger, aggravation and disappointment.  I like this drawing by RedRump, and one thing that's always attracted me to his spanking art is that he allows his women to fully express the anger that so many of our wives undoubtedly feel regarding our behavior.

Share with us anything that seems relevant to the topic regarding your own desire for and experience with strong emotions from anticipating a spanking or from getting one, or strong emotions associated with the whole concept of being in a DD or FLR relationship. What emotions do you experience?  Are there some emotional boundaries you don’t want to cross or emotions you don’t want to experience?  Are your strong emotions mainly “positive” or what we usually deem “negative”? 

 

For the wives, what emotions do you experience in ordering, anticipating or giving a spanking?  Are there strong emotions you associate with being in charge?  With displaying to him, or to others, that you are in charge? Are there certain emotions you try to evoke in him when spanking him or making him submit to your authority, the way Anne likes making me feel vulnerable.

Have a great week.

The Club - Meeting 503 - Goals and Resolutions for 2025

“Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man.” - Benjamin Franklin

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

Once again, before we get started, I would like to thank the female commenters who have recently joined us and to extend an invitation to all others who may be inclined to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We like having you around.

 

Welcome to the first post of 2025. 2024 ended on an awful note for our family, and it carried over into this first part of 2025.  But, while it was never going to be a good end, there was an end and, in these circumstances, it was right and good to have it over.

 

 

As those of you who have been around for a while know, I always start the new year with thoughts on the year that was and goals for new one to come. 

 

I began 2024 lamenting my utter lack of progress in 2023, which led me to simply carry over goals from one year to the next. The specific goals I laid out were:

 

• Solidify the progress I made last year on reducing the number of excessive drinking incidents.
• Renew and energize some friendships that I let drift away over the last few years when I was too focused on career.
• Volunteer on some effort that has a real and substantial impact on the lives of vulnerable or powerless people.
• Take at least three long road trips with Anne and the dogs.
• Complete drafts of two books I’ve wanted to write for some time but never seem to get around to.
• Multiple multi-state motorcycle trips.
• Take up some sport or demanding fitness activity that doesn’t take place in a gym.
• Reverse the recent losses in our investment portfolio.

 

I lamented the fact that of those eight items, I fully completed only one.

 

I did better this year.  I made more progress in reducing alcohol consumption this year than in any previous one.  I did backslide a lot over the last few weeks, but even Anne gets it was a justifiable form of self-medication.  I didn’t do that well on renewing old friendships, but I did make a couple of good new ones.  We did a few good road trips, and I had some good motorcycle adventures. I not only reversed our investment losses but, by years’ end, I’d come to enjoy investing and trading, and studying investing and trading, so much that I feel I’ve discovered my second career.

 

I was more than a little weak on volunteering, though I did make at least a tiny bit of forward progress.  I didn’t complete the books, but I did make a lot of progress before everything went to hell at the end of the year.  In other areas where I fell short, it tended to be because our year got derailed with injuries, surgeries, and finally a family member’s medical crisis.

 

Maybe that’s why, even though the last third of the year sucked in all sorts of ways and ended horrifically, it’s hard to see 2024 as a “bad” year.

 

I do know that I want progress in our DD and FLR relationship to be a defining part of 2025.  Although my system for using weekly check-ins on some long-outstanding life goals didn’t last long, in part that was because the last third of the years did such an abrupt turn on us. And, I do feel like our few sessions did, in fact, help force me out of the rut I got into in 2023.  

 

I also recognize—and told Anne this a couple of weeks ago—that while I needed some leeway to get through the upcoming bad weeks, I recognized that guardrails were going to be more important than ever.  I still believe that and hope she will take a very strict approach with me beginning immediately.  As I noted last year, I’ve come to believe that when I’m allowed to backslide in one area, it often spills over into  generalized sloppiness and a lowering of standards.  For the last few weeks, I had a good reason for backsliding and had no choice but to focus on the crisis in front of me. But, now it’s time to make sure that doesn’t morph into a destructive pattern or habit.

 

 

Part of getting me back in-line and getting me moving forward again will be a return to weekly check-ins. We both want them.  The fact that we started them last year also informs a goal of being more open about what I would like to explore in DD and other areas.  In years past, whenever I considered asking Anne to take on more of a “coaching” role, I thought it would be too burdensome. Yet, when I finally just came out and asked whether she’d want to do it, she jumped on it, and she clearly enjoyed it.

 

As for other DD-related goals, most of the things I’d like us to explore were laid out in this post from July, in which we discussed our visions for what an “ideal” DD and FLR would look like.  Mine included:

 

Strong maternal element. Over the last couple of years, I’ve come to realize how core the “maternal” element of domestic discipline is to my motivations. I’ve always identified “accountability” as the heart of my DD urge, but I’ve come to believe that although accountability is fundamental for me, it’s not so much the independent reason I’m attracted to DD but, rather, one aspect of being subject to a higher authority that has a very maternal vibe.  It also includes her having the undisputed primary role in making and enforcing household rules, with something close to “my house, my rules” attitude on her part. 

 

When it came time for discipline, there would be a more explicit adoption of a full-on maternal dynamic, with both the words and the tone emphasizing her maternal role, with me being treated like a teenager who has earned a real blistering and is going to get one.

 

 

Increased strictness and decreased overt “consent.”  In 2023 and 2024, when Anne would become more strict and controlling, there would be a period of resentment and rebellion, but it was always replaced with a feeling akin to, paradoxically, liberation.  I simply felt better when she was setting and enforcing expectations. Ideally, in 2025 there will be more of a “This is how it’s going to be, and it’s going to happen whether you like it or not” aspect to it all.

 

Consistency and frequency. Several months ago, I was over Anne’s knee, receiving a well-deserved butt blistering for an offense that has happened many times.  During a short pause she asked, “Do I just need to spank you more often?”  Although her question was rhetorical, the literally true answer “yes.” When I’m being honest with myself and her, it’s a rare week that I don’t do something that would probably merit a spanking in an ideally strict environment.  

 

Openness and others knowing.  Throughout 2024, I became increasingly aware that part of me wants her authority to be on more open display. In the past, I had strong negative reactions to being embarrassed, yet paradoxically I now often feel a need to have others know or suspect the nature of our relationship.  Moreover, I find her rare open displays of authority sexy as hell. At least in retrospect. Anne has talked about how her retirement removed some of the psychological constraints she felt around being openly dominant and the possibility of others knowing about the nature of our relationship.  I hope that’s something she explores more vigorously in 2025.  Although I’m not quite as obsessed with witnesses as ZM and a few others here, I do think that in the (unlikely) event an opportunity arose, I would be into being spanked in front of a witness or with another couple.  I don’t think Anne is there and perhaps never will be, but one never knows . . .

 

More humbling.  Although progress was sporadic and uneven, we did make progress in 2024 on Anne setting rules and spanking for things she viewed as a problem, regardless of whether I agreed. Getting scolded and/or spanked when I didn't really agree with the premise was a major ego blow, but that is precisely why those incidents felt like the biggest stimuli for personal growth, for both of us. Again, the only thing lacking was consistency.  Her taking more control and exercising more authority humbled me and, while it was very difficult in the moment it was happening, I believe that in the long run it was very beneficial.  I hope she takes an even tougher approach in 2025 and purposefully tries to humble me and sand off the rough edges of my male ego.

 

How about you? How did 2024 turn out? Were there any interesting developments on the DD front that you’d like to share?  Are there any goals or things you’d like to accomplish—DD or otherwise—in 2025?  Do you intend to share those with your wife?

 

For the ladies, do you have anything in particular you want your husband to improve on in 2025? Any specific goals you expect him to hit?  What are your thoughts on providing him some DD or FLR-oriented motivation to do that? Have you set any goals for yourself related to disciplining your husband or taking more control?

 

Have a great week, and let’s get 2025 off to a good start.

No post this week

 

I hope you all had a good Christmas.  Our gathering around the tree was a little sparse, but it was still good under the circumstances.

Unfortunately, I'm still dealing with the family matter I referred to in my Christmas post. So, I won't be posting anything new this week.  Please be safe out there on New Years Eve.  My understanding is that  the Twelve Days of Christmas traditionally runs through January 5th.  Regardless of the calendar date, let's keep the Christmas spirit going as long as we can.

Be well and see you in 2025.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

Hello all. I hope you're spending the weekend at home with family or running around doing last-minute Christmas shopping for them.  I had planned to do a post this weekend, but we are ending the year on a down note because of an unexpected issue with a close family member.  So, for this holiday season our focus will be on our own family, though I also wish the very best for yours.

This drawing has become a bit of a Christmas tradition for me.  It reflects a peacefulness I'm far from feeling right now but, in the end, for better and worse this too shall pass.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

I also like this one, which reflects its own weird kind of Christmas peace.

The Club - Meeting 502 - The Trade-offs of Spanking Frequency

“It's not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives. It's what we do consistently.” – Tony Robbins

  

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship. 

 

Once again, before we get started, I would like to thank the female commenters who have recently joined us and to extend an invitation to all others who may be inclined to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We like having you around.

 

I hope you all had a great week.  It was a pretty momentous one here.  I’ve talked about Anne’s surgery and how it brought the Domestic Discipline aspects of our relationship to a screeching halt. It happened back in September. But, we had hit a spanking lull well before that. Looking back at some old journal entries, I think my last spanking may have been as far back as late May. So, a summer hiatus turned into half a year with an unspanked bottom.

 

Until this week.

 

It seems fitting that the reason wasn’t some huge drinking failure or big marital fight.  No, it was a “small” thing that has earned me more than one spanking in the past.

 

 

Namely, leaving the damn front door unlocked. I had gone to the gym while Anne was out somewhere.  I forgot to lock the door when I left. The above text arrived as I was wrapping up my workout.  It wasn’t followed by an explicit spanking order, so I thought maybe it was just a warning.  No such luck. It took a day for her to follow up, but she did.

 

As I said, the context seems fitting for breaking our months long hiatus.  It wasn’t for some huge bad act.  It wasn't for something I had asked for help with.  It wasn’t even for something we both agree should be a priority.  Instead, it was for something that she cares about and that I really don’t.  In the context of a DD relationship that we both want to take in at least a slightly more FLR direction, it feels right that my first spanking of this renewed phase was for something that she, and she alone, decided merited punishment and that was more of an everyday, domestic thing.

 

And the experience was . . . punishing. “Excruciating” is a fitting descriptor.

 

It’s not at all atypical for me to be surprised at how much more a real spanking hurts than I seem to remember between sessions. After twenty years, what is remarkable is that I underestimate how much it is going to hurt pretty much every single time.

 

But, this was truly different.  I was in pure agony from the first swat, and it was not just worse, but WAY worse than I had anticipated.  Mid-way through, she switched from the bath brush to the heavy wooden hairbrush, which hurt less but it was still much more painful than I recall spankings being six months ago.

 

I am confident this was more than the normal amnesia I get between sessions.  This truly felt an order of magnitude worse than most spankings.  It was a very painful reminder that there really is a trade-off between frequency and severity.

 

I doubt many of us truly want to get spanked more often.  It’s true that we often want more consistency, and indirectly that does usually entail getting spanked more often, but that’s not quite the same as saying we want to be spanked more often.

 

Yet, the experience this time reminded me that there really are paradoxical benefits to getting spanked more often and that, given just how badly this one hurt, I really would choose to be spanked more often if it meant that each spanking was closer in pain severity to what I was used to in the past. 

 

And, it’s not just about avoiding the extreme pain a too-infrequently spanked bottom can entail. Before our imposed pause, we had one session that involved something Anne had spanked me for multiple times before. While I was over her knee, she paused between swats to comment on the fact that I had been spanked for this before.  She asked me, “Do I just need to spank you way more often?”

 

It seemed like a rhetorical question at the time, but even as she asked it, I knew the real answer was “yes.” There are too many habits and attitudinal issues that have remained problems year after year.  Although I’m aware of how difficult it will me if it really happens, part of me wants to experience her ramping up the strictness and rigor to something that leaves me feeling much more concerned much more often about another spanking on an already sore butt.

 

 

And, it’s not just the spanking.  Part of the desire is to more often be in that emotional place where I feel I’m not the one in control.  One of our intermittent commenters, “DD”, left a comment a few months ago that got my attention at the time.  Here is a shortened version:

 

“The first time I cried it wasn't from the intensity of a particular spanking itself but from a culmination of spankings a few weeks after my wife first took me in hand. I had been spanked and disciplined a lot in those first few weeks, and I think I felt a loss of control.

 

Leading into this particular spanking, I was balking and trying to get out of it. I had a sense of panic at the point she brought me into the room.  I had just been spanked the day before for something else, and this was the second time I was being disciplined for the same issue in a week. I felt frustrated with the frequency of my misbehavior. I think deep down I was realizing I wasn’t the mature, responsible adult I thought of myself as. Getting disciplined really highlighted that.

 

I don’t know why, but that spanking was the first I really tried to talk my way out of. My wife continued to tell me to bend over and take my punishment and that we would talk after. Eventually, she told me I was now going to be spanked for disobedience, in addition to the original reason for the spanking. That got me lowering my pants and bending over.

 

After the spanking was over, she sat me down and said I was permitted to tell her what was so important before the spanking. I tried to rationalize not getting spanked so much, but this conversation is what turned into us formalizing our FLR relationship. My wife doubled down on the fact that things were going to continue where they were heading if I wanted to be in the relationship. She said the only way I was going to get out of getting disciplined like a bad child was to fix my bad behaviors and attitude and always respect her as the authority in the house.”

 

MW had a somewhat similar comment a few months ago regarding the near-panic he felt when being spanked much more frequently for a certain behavior he knew he should be able to fix but, for whatever reason, hadn’t:

 

“I found that when I was spanked frequently (daily or nearly daily) for the same problem, the memory of the pain, the soreness, and the little twinge in the butt would remind me to do the right thing. For one persistent problem, I would actually feel desperate and a little fearful and work harder at it. It was a wonderful feeling after years of making no progress on it.”

 

Although I’m sure it would bring out a level of resentment and resistance way beyond what I’ve experienced before, I find something about the very challenge of that kind of a loss of one’s sense of being in control morbidly alluring.

 

 

One might think that being spanked frequently might actually remove some of the emotional edge and make it feel too “normal”, but that hasn’t really been my experience.  Instead, I sometimes felt like I was “walking on egg shells,” with a more constant awareness of the need to adjust my behavior. It was definitely a form of fear, but what I would call a “healthy fear” of consequences, knowing that I had some control over the outcome.   

 

Yet, while I might have had some ability to avoid particular spankings, it still felt like my control was being curtailed because my ability to avoid the spanking was dependent on actually fixing the behavior, instead of resulting from delaying or talking my way out of one. If I’m getting spanked more frequently, and it’s not the result of something like maintenance spankings, it’s almost inevitable that I’m going to feel less in control, because it means any efforts on my part to delay or get out of it aren’t working.

 

 

Al has commented several times on the value of weekly maintenance spankings, on the premise that they help maintain the spanking practice, which eliminates any awkwardness about imposing one when one has been earned.  I didn’t see that as a real problem for us until this long hiatus, but now I appreciate more fully what he meant.  There definitely was an awkwardness with us the last few weeks, with multiple times that she really should have spanked me, and she probably was sufficiently recovered to have done so.  It just seemed very difficult to actually take the next step and make it happen.  I suspect that the lack of regularity has contributed a lot to our lack of consistency over the years, as Anne seemingly has never been fully conditioned to take the “spank first and ask questions later” approach.

 

I don’t think I’m quite ready to embrace maintenance spankings, because I still think I need the element of accountability for the spanking to feel “real”. But, I think we might get most of the same benefit by recommitting to our weekly “check-ins.”

 

 

I suspect that spanking more frequently would also be easier on her in some ways.  If she did adopt more of a “spank first and ask questions later” approach, it would almost certainly reduce some of the mental energy and self-doubt involved in analyzing each instance of bad behavior for whether it was bad enough to “really” merit a spanking.  Consistent with Al’s point about maintaining the whole spanking dynamic, increasing spanking frequency would harness the power of habit.  One reason habits are so powerful is they don’t require as much mental energy as does consciously weighing whether to do or not do a particular action.

 

I don’t have a well-defined topic here, other than inviting comments about frequency.  We’ve addressed that topic before, but the last time it was a full topic was over a year ago. 

 

How frequently do you get/give real disciplinary spankings?  Do you think it should be more frequent?  Less frequent?  Does anything change for you mentally or emotionally when you are getting spanked much more frequently?

 

 

For the women, do you find spanking frequently to be a burden? Or, does it actually make things easier in some ways, whether because it results in better behavior on his part or because it becomes more of a habit that requires less mental energy?

 

I’m also curious, have others experienced what I did this week, i.e. a long hiatus from spanking that caused the first one after the break to feel off-the-charts painful?

 

I hope you all have a great week.  Be safe and well-behaved at those holiday parties.  Are we all good and sick of Christmas music yet?