“You can't talk your way out of a problem you behaved your way into!” - Stephen R. Covey
Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club. Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship. I hope you all had a great week.
We were traveling and, for once, we got along reasonably well. I say “for once”, because we typically don’t travel that well together. Part of it is her tendency to backseat drive, but admittedly my moodiness when traveling is also usually an issue. For whatever reason, things to go more smoothly this time, so there was none of this on this trip and, if she has anything she wants to spank me for, I don’t think it would be related specifically to our trip.
Well, it sure was quiet here during my short absence. I hope it’s a reflection of people being busy transitioning into Autumn and not just plain old lack of interest. I personally did want to hear more from “Mrs. Terrapin”. Even apart from the maternal angle, I found some of her thoughts regarding inherent inequality of real DD relationships to be worth following up on. But, best laid plans and all that . . .
Because there were so few comments last week, I don’t have a lot to work with in terms of leveraging comments into topics. But, TB and Norton raised some issues that might generate some discussion. Taking them in reverse order, Norton said (I’m combining parts of two comments):
While I have never refused a spanking, we did go through something similar a few days ago. She was very annoyed with me and gave me a brief, very hard, very fast, spanking. It was probably 2 spanks every second, which is pretty overwhelming and gives me no time to process much at all. It also led to a good discussion about how she could alter it, by spanking just as hard, but in a more deliberate, slower, manner. I have encouraged her in the past to push me to my limit, so she was understandably confused by me saying that it was too much.
Others have described long, hard, spankings that were overwhelming in that they didn't know how long it was going to last. When coupled with genuine remorse, such a spanking has sometimes led others to tears. I would like to allow myself to be vulnerable enough to experience that, but have never been able to get there.
A few weeks ago, we talked about spanking style, which didn’t seem to generate much interest. But, Norton’s comment focuses more narrowly on the pacing of swats/strikes. It also touches on something I’ve wondered about, i.e. whether longer spankings are more effective and specifically whether they are more likely to lead to tears.
Although that does seem to be the conventional wisdom, I’ve had some recent spankings that left me wondering. Several weeks ago, I talked about getting spanked after a long break. It was excruciating from the first swat, to such an extent that I had some of those “I don’t know whether I can take this” thoughts and had to fight hard internally not to resist.
In the past, if a spanking was super intense from the very beginning, I tended to “man up” and just try to get through it without really giving in to it, which is how I interpret Norton’s reference to not having time to process it. But, for some reason, recently I feel closer to crying at the beginning of a spanking, especially if I’m shocked by how much it hurts. Do others experience that, where it is just so overwhelming that it almost overcomes your resistance and leaves you fighting back tears?
The other problem for me with longer spankings is I almost always go numb after about 5 or 6 minutes. Or, at least I do with wooden instruments, which are about all we use these days. So, if the goal was tears, as it seems to be for both Norton and me, an especially long spanking wouldn’t seem to get me there. Or, the only way I can see it happening would be if “a” spanking were broken up into several discreet sections, with long breaks in-between. But, it seems like those long breaks would also defeat that feeling that it was going on and on and on in the way that some say has brought them to tears.
Coincidentally, shortly after I responded to Norton’s comments, I came across a link to this video in a spanking-related Tumblr blog. There is also this one with the same spanker. Both illustrate what I would call a very fast-paced, and very realistic session (the spanking itself, not necessarily the premise for it). In fact, her delivery is so fast that I tried but failed to count the number of swats she delivered.
Norton’s reference to never having refused a spanking was in response to this from TB:
As there are so few comments on this topic I'm going to pitch in with a related topic. For some reason my wife was really bad tempered a couple of weeks ago. This is very, very unusual and even more unusual is that I was being as placatory as possible when she suddenly said she was going to spank me. I instinctively and for the first time ever, refused. Not in a confrontational way but in a 'no, I do not think that is a good idea' kind of way.
The domestic atmosphere was not good for a couple of days as I guess you can imagine. I did journal very clearly that I felt that our DD relationship had responsibilities on both sides and that I felt that the context and her frame of mind were not suited to a discipline session. I admit that I did feel very nervous about where this refusal was going to take us. Surprisingly, it has led to a very constructive series of conversations about mutual responsibility, timings of discipline and most importantly a joint commitment to a more '24 x 7' DD relationship rather than a marriage that has DD as an option.
We have talked about the role of warnings, lectures, scoldings and eventually the necessity of spanking as a kind of tiered approach to discipline. She has really taken this to heart during the past couple of weeks, I have been warned and lectured for minor breaches. She seems to more clearly recognise the joint nature of and need for discipline, how she cannot effectively just decide on an inconsistent basis to use spanking to subdue (rather than correct) me and how spanking in my mind (and our relationship) is part of a stepped approach to correcting my misbehaviour.
It feels like we have crossed some sort of milestone of mutual understanding but as usual time will tell.
TB’s comment is, for me, a great illustration of why it’s probably counter-productive to insist on hard “rules” where communications in real DD relationships are concerned. Many of us would probably caution against ever flat-out refusing a spanking, since it risks undermining her confidence and, with that, the whole dynamic. And, I do think it’s not a trivial risk. Yet, in TB’s case, it led to a deeper conversation and, as he said, a “sort of milestone of mutual understanding”.
So, keeping in mind that it probably is best to err on the side of not refusing, have you ever done so? If so, what was the reason? How did it turn out?
I can think of really only one time that Anne seemed intent on spanking, and I basically refused. The situation was a little more subtle than that, but it did qualify as a refusal. The reason was we had been out socially, and she was tipsy. Although I’ve said that our relationship is basically “anytime for any reason”, for me alcohol is the one exception, for two reasons. First, probably because I had a parent who had issues around alcohol, I react very negatively to assertions of authority by people who have been drinking. Second, it’s a safety thing. Friends have commented that I tend to get more controlled as I drink, including where things like physical balance are concerned. Anne is the opposite. She’s kind of a lightweight, and it shows. Hard paddles and vulnerable body parts don’t seem like a good mix with alcohol.
But, that’s really it where flat-out refusals are concerned.
I don’t even really argue very much. That’s probably because it’s pretty rare that I actually disagree with her about the reason for a spanking.
And, on the rare occasions when I don’t see a situation the same way she does, there often are multiple recent issues she could be spanking me for, so even if we don’t agree on what specifically she is spanking me for, it’s rare that we don’t both agree that I deserve to be spanked for something.
What I do often do is try to delay. It sometimes probably does rise to the level of arguing, but it’s often a “how about not right now” and not so much pleading my case for not deserving it at all. The problem is, successful delay often seems to result in it not happening at all, and even if I genuinely want to avoid that spanking at the time it is in play, I almost always have some regret when it becomes clear that delay has turned into avoidance.
I do know it is self-defeating. I say I want her to be more strict and stern, yet in the moment I can’t seem to help but undermine her efforts. I truly get that it’s unfair to her, because she tries to be more assertive like I say I want, but then I don’t exactly cooperate with that process. For that reason, I sometimes wish she would not only stick more firmly to her guns--which she is getting better at--but maybe even deal with the attempted delay as a separate offense deserving of a separate spanking.
Yet, part of that resistance seems almost inevitable, precisely because things are starting to seem more “real.” When she gets more assertive and more aggressive in ordering spankings, I try harder to get out of them.
It’s unfair and counterproductive, but isn’t it also precisely what you would expect when discipline starts to feel truly imposed? I’ve said I want it to feel non-consensual, and if I genuinely don’t want to be spanked and kind of actively undermine it, yet it happens nonetheless, that feels like a spanking that has, in fact, been imposed on me whether I like it or not.
Therefore, while successfully avoiding a spanking is counter-productive, when I am unsuccessful in undermining her resolve, it actually increases her authority and confidence and makes me feel like the dynamic is increasingly real.
Trying to get out of it but failing to do so confirms her status as the real “boss.”
I hope you all have a great week.
