“There are moments when
one has to choose between living one's own life, fully, entirely, completely-or
dragging out some false, shallow, degrading existence that the world in its
hypocrisy demands.” – Oscar Wilde
Hello all. Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club. Our weekly meeting of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led (FLR) relationships.
Once again, before we get started, I would like to thank the female commenters who have recently joined us and to extend a specific invitation to all others who may be inclined to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We like having you around.
I hope you all had a good week. Ours has been pretty painful, literally and figuratively. This was the week that a lot of the medical stuff I referred to a few posts ago really came to a head, at least with respect to Anne's issues. So far, so good for the most part, but I expect the next several weeks to be pretty bumpy, so I’m going to be playing blog posting by ear.
The one clear impact of the medical drama is that, coming on top of what had already been a substantial lull, this period likely will go down as our longest hiatus from domestic discipline since we started almost 20 years ago.
On the one hand, that is an obvious downer. On the other hand, maybe it gives us an opportunity to break out of the old patterns and lift ourselves out of the established ruts, possibly allowing us to set up a deeper, broader dynamic once recovery schedules allow.
In the short term, it does mean I may need to recycle some content on the blog; more so than I generally like doing. As I was pondering that, it occurred to me that we do have several new regular participants including, for the first time in a while, multiple Disciplinary Wives.
While we old-timers all know each other’s “origin” stories, i.e. how we found ourselves in these unconventional relationships, some of the newer folks haven’t shared theirs.
So, let’s do that. Although many have probably pieced together
mine, or read it all in an older post, it has been a few years since I did a full post on origins. So, I’ll kick it off, relying mostly on some
previous posts but adding or changing where I’ve gotten new or deeper
insights. I hope some of the old-timers will join me in telling their stories, even if they've done so before.
I grew up in the heart of the Bible Belt, which also seems to have been the heart of the “spanking belt.” However, despite the fact that corporal punishment was pervasive both at school and in most homes, I don’t recall getting it a lot myself. It probably happened more than I have specific memories of, though that goes to show that while it was all around me growing up, it wasn't something that got a lot of conscious mind share.
My mother had a forceful personality, but as I got older she became increasingly erratic when it came to parenting. My stepfather was a hyper-masculine force of nature but also very anti-authoritarian. When I was in high school, he told me that his basic approach to rules was that he wasn’t going to lay down any as long as whatever trouble I got myself into was something I got myself out of.
The result of their parenting styles—hers erratic and his almost entirely “hands-off”—is that I grew up with few real boundaries and none that were really enforced.
At the time, I thought that was a teenager’s wet dream. I’ve now come to appreciate, however, how much pressure it imposed, being given carte blanche to get myself into trouble but knowing I had to get myself out of it. (I’ve come to believe that teenagers, especially high energy ones with a proclivity for risk taking, need enforced boundaries.)
And, on basic good behavior things around the home, there was certainly nothing like this going on:
While I can speculate about why my not-very-rigorous disciplinary background developed into a fascination with the idea of imposed boundaries and power dynamics later in life, it really is just speculation.
All I know for sure is that, unlike most of the husbands who come to this blog, I did not have any early interest in spanking, let alone any fetish-like fascination with it.
In fact, from at least high school through the first decade of marriage, I don’t recall thinking about it at all.
Yet, it's also true that I always had a thing for older women. With the benefit of hindsight, I now think it probably was strong female authority I was gravitating to, rather than a pure age thing. Though that wasn't something I understood at the time, had any of the older women (teachers, principals, friend's mothers) I crushed on tried to impose their authority on me in more forceful ways, been into it, I don't have much doubt that I would have given into it.
But alas, such an early introduction to female authority expressed in a disciplinary fashion never happened.
Anne was not older than me and didn't have that air of maternal authority when we met.
While we were never what I would consider repressed, our first decade of married life was pretty conventional. Overall, we had a good relationship, but it was not particularly well-balanced. I had always been more than a little, shall we say, “Type A,” with an intense personality. I also was prone to doing everything—both positive things and negative things—to excess.
When my wife and I first met, she probably found that brashness attractive. But, I doubt she envisioned that, ten years later, very little would have changed.
Anne was less brash and bold than I was, and probably more emotionally well-balanced, but I think it's fair to say she had trouble asserting herself. She was raised in a very
traditional, male dominated family. Her
dad worked, her mom raised the family, and there was little overlap between
those roles. When they argued, which was fairly frequently, she pouted and gave him
the silent treatment, and he slept on the couch for a few nights. Anne admits that she brought some of those
same dispute resolution mechanisms to our marriage.
My intensity and her lack of self-assurance did not create a good balance. And, while we weren't unhappy, neither of us was living up to our potential either. Thanks to my temperament and anti-authoritarian tendencies, I had a tendency to "step on my own dick." And, as much as I may have thought I liked having no rules growing up, I was now in my late thirties and still feeling out of control and sometimes overwhelmed with the responsibility of making too many decisions.
My wife, on the other hand, was not developing into all she could be. Despite accumulating degrees and professional accomplishments, she still had a hard time taking charge. She also had her mom’s tendency to pout and flounce instead of taking me head on when my excesses became, well, excessive.
Then, seemingly out of the blue, something happened to shake up that thoroughly conventional, yet thoroughly dysfunctional, dynamic.
Although I didn’t have wide-ranging experience, I had always been pretty erotically-oriented and open to learning about various kinks. I had become a fan of an HBO series called “Real Sex,” which explored all sorts of kinky lifestyles. They devoted one segment to adult erotic spanking, featuring a couple spanking each other with leather paddles and a riding crop. It turned me on; not extraordinarily so but enough that I had Anne watch it.
She had zero interest in being spanked but was happy to try it on me. So, a few days later I bought one of those flimsy leather paddles sold in adult “novelty” shops.
Although our experiments with erotic spanking were fun, it never went beyond a sort of “BDSM Lite” foreplay. There were role play aspects, in which she would "punish" me for various real misdeeds. After a few modest swats with the flimsy leather paddle, we would have sex.
The problem was, while the spankings were fake, the bad behavior was real. Since the spankings merely stung a little, and it all ended in a nice orgasm, I essentially was being rewarded for bad behavior.
She became concerned (rightly) that she was inadvertently reinforcing bad behavior and soon put an end to the whole thing. That phase lasted for two or three months at most.
It didn't bother me that she
had ended our spanking experiments. It hadn't been that big a thing for either
of us. But, I remained interested enough
in it that I would read spanking stories when I found them in publications like
Penthouse Variations, and I assume I was interested enough to look for Female-male spanking materials on-line.
I don’t recall exactly how I found it, but at some point I came across a link to the Disciplinary Wives Club. Although I can’t remember exactly how I found it, I certainly do remember the effect it had on me.
It hit me like a sledgehammer.
It was like no erotic reading experience I’ve had before or since, even though it was not, in fact, overtly sexual. Sex was barely even mentioned.
Instead, the DWC advocated for real spankings, used in the context of real punishment, to correct real misbehavior. There also were sections offering tips and advice to aspiring disciplinary wives. Then and now, I think the advice from Aunt Kay to disciplinary wives that really hit me in the gut was:
A spanking should be an event to remember. Don't worry about how red his bottom gets. The more color you put into it, the better you are doing. Don't pay any attention to his cries and pleas and promises. He will tell you anything to get you to stop. Allow him to squirm within limits. If it gets out of hand, give him a smack or two on the back of his thighs. If you give a spanking the way it should be given, the results should still show a week later. He should wince every time he tries to sit for days after.
That advice served to emphasize how different DWC-style spankings were from the erotic foreplay we had been doing. Moreover, it served as notice that a DWC-style spanking would only be both physically and psychologically painful, causing severe pain to both the bottom and the male ego.
Something about that affected me in ways I find hard to describe. Looking back, I’m not sure it was the spanking per se that really got to me. Rather, it was the prospect of giving up control—being forced to give up control--in a way I had not done in my entire life.
The prospect of losing control to the point of sobbing over my wife's knee was disturbing on a level I can't really describe. Yet, I found myself desperately wanting to tell Anne all about it.
I couldn’t get it out of my mind. After two or three days of thinking of little else,
I could not imagine NOT raising it. The
lure was just too strong, even if it made my male ego tremble.
So, less than a week after discovering the DWC website, I initiated a discussion with Anne. We were in bed, getting ready to go to sleep. At least she was getting ready for sleep. I hadn’t slept well in three days.
The lights were off, which was good because I was so embarrassed that I don’t think I could have faced her with them on. I began with something like, "I found this interesting website. . ." and explained the basic premise: Women taking control of their marriages, using real corporal punishment on their misbehaving husbands.
She started to restate her position that our spanking games had reinforced my bad behavior, but I quickly stammered out that this was different. These spankings were . . . real.
She didn’t say much as I stuttered my way through a description of the DWC philosophy, emphasizing the reality-based, severe spankings that empowered wives to take more control. I told her honestly how I felt that our relationship wasn’t balanced, and that maybe we needed something that would empower her to hold me more accountable and, frankly, take me down a peg or two.
When I was done, there was short pause, then she asked whether I was suggesting this as something I actually wanted to try. It was much like the wife’s reaction in the DWC fiction story Even More, which I later learned was authored by our long-time blog commenter “al.” Like the character David in that story, I almost lost my nerve but finally told her the truth: the idea scared the hell out of me, had left me with butterflies in my stomach and little sleep in three days but, yes, I did want to try it.
She listened quietly but intently, but
that night she was noncommittal, saying only that she would take a look at the
DWC website. She's told me later that she did think it was more than a little weird. I honestly thought she would just drop the whole thing and never follow up on checking out the DWC site.
Instead, she called me at the office the next day. After a few pleasantries, there was a pause and then, “Well . . . I visited that website.”
Gulp.
"And, . . .?" I asked, tentatively.
Another pause, then just two words. "Very interesting.”
"Interesting? . . . What . . . what does that mean exactly?" Words to that effect. I was really on pins and needles and don't remember the exact words, only that they came out in an embarrassed, halting fashion.
"Well, I guess it means you need to buy me a nice, heavy wooden hairbrush on your way home from work tonight."
I don’t remember exactly what I said in response to that first DWC instruction.
What I do recall is walking around a mall for an hour, trying to find a good quality hairbrush. They aren’t easy to find these days. I also recall the butterflies in my stomach, though that hardly describes it. Since all I really had to go on in imagining the spanking that was to come were the stories on the DWC website--the ones in which the husband always seemed to end up bawling--I was in a state of very high anxiety. Yet, I also remember that over the course of the hour or more I spent going from shop to shop, I had a raging erection.
It was the strangest, most peculiar, most paradoxical mix of extreme arousal and equally extreme anxiety.
When I got home, we sat at the kitchen table and talked through a set of rules.
First and foremost, she would
control why, when, and how hard I was spanked. While she would listen to my views, she would make the decisions.
Second, she remained concerned that “play” spankings could reinforce bad behavior, so her spankings would be long, hard and, in short, "real" each and every time.
Despite all that, unlike the woman in the above captioned pic, I don't think either of us really understood just how profoundly the relationship might change if we really implemented this.
I mean, we kind of got it. But, we didn't really get it. Honestly, I think it's taken us twenty years of spankings and discussing spankings to get to where we both accept that I really do want a very substantial power shift.
Instead, I think that when she said she found it "interesting," what she really meant was she found it intriguing as hell, particularly the prospect for being able to inflict some well-deserved payback for bad behavior. But, she also didn't quite believe I was serious or wouldn't back out.
It's odd that while I recall virtually everything leading up to that first spanking, I don't remember a lot about the main event. I suspect that is because we followed a prescription that was iconic but resulted in a less-than-memorable spanking: over-the-knee position with a hairbrush.
We graduated quickly to
wooden paddles and leather straps, and she became a surprisingly
determined spanker virtually right out of the gate. I was shocked at how few reservations she had about really roasting my butt, almost from the very beginning.
Over the years of doing this blog, I've heard variations on that story many times. We husbands are so concerned about how to broach the topic of Domestic Discipline but once we do, the wives take up the paddle or strap with surprisingly little diffidence or reluctance and are soon spanking like pros.
Over the years we have been doing Domestic Discipline, my wife has grown into a much stronger, confident woman with a voice all her own, and the relationship has gone beyond merely discipline. Instead of just enforcing rules, she imposes them. She sets boundaries for me and expects me to respect them.
Twenty years after that first spanking, she’s still determined and intent on making her spankings hurt and hurt badly, every single time.
So, how about you? For the husbands who initiated DD:
- When/how did your interest first arise?
- Howexactly did you approach your wife/partner?
- What did you say?
- How did you work up the courage? How long did it take you?
- What was her initial reaction? Did it change?
- How long until your first spanking? Was it all you expected it to be?
For wives whose husbands
asked them to consider a DD relationship:
- How did your husband approach you?
- What was your initial reaction? Did it change?
- How did you decide to spank him?
- What was that first spanking like? How did you feel?
And, if you are one of those rare wives who initiated the DD relationship, please tell us all about it!
These “origin” posts always work better when the discussion is more than surface level, so please give as many details as you’re comfortable sharing.
Have a great week.
I guess I’ll start us off this week. First, I think it’s great that we have some wives adding input to the forum. My wife would probably not ever feel comfortable enough to post. Like Dan, I grew up in the Bible Belt. Spankings were the norm at home, school, and church. There was not a week that went by where I didn’t receive, over hear, or witness. My last spanking growing up was 13 and I was paddled for
ReplyDeleteStealing. I also discovered the DWC website a long time ago. My girlfriend at the time was very vanilla. She has zero desire to spank for foreplay, never mind try punishment. As I grew into adulthood, I still longed for that accountability factor. I met my now wife. She is significantly older than I am. I’ve always been drawn to older more mature women. I like most boys had a crush on a middle school teacher. My interest arose very early on. I can certify myself as a “spanko” on some level. I have watched video tapes and with the rise of the internet, it made access to like minded individuals easier.
My wife and I dabbled in spanking foreplay. Similarly, it was the DWC website that got my heart pumping. It was easier to approach my wife due to our play already. She had to get out of the sexual mindset of the spanking aspect of it. I would quote her lines from the DWC playbook and slowly she came around to seeing an adjustment in my attitude. The first few spankings were not as memorable. Then one day she was upset at me for something and I apologized. She said the apology wouldn’t suffice
and I needed a thrashing. I submitted immediately and went upstairs. She strapped the hell out of me and told me to get out of her sight. Like most couples, our DD goes up and down. Injuries over the last few months have put a damper on DD. I was due a thrashing a few weeks ago and my wife had to have a procedure done. So DD is now on hold until she heals. Prior to that, I sustained an injury that prevented any form of discipline for a few weeks. The only thing about our DD is I wish it was more consistent and she was a big stricter with me. I also understand that our wives didn’t sign up for this. My wife likes me to lead and be the head of household. I appreciate her willingness to hold me accountable and thrash me when need be. I have noticed since starting DD, our relationship has grown closer. We have a tighter bond and our relationship hasn’t suffered like some of our fiends have. I think it’s an equalizer at times.
T
"She had to get out of the sexual mindset of the spanking aspect of it." In the post, I talked about how I emphasized to my wife that the DWC spankings were real, but this is another good way to put it. I don't deny that I had a very strong erotic reaction to the DWC, but I think the reason it worked for my wife was the content itself was not sexual at all, nor were the spankings even if the concept topped into something very erotic. It's kind of odd the more I think about it, how much a website with virtually no sexual content triggered such strong sexual reactions.
DeleteI didn't buy the DWC publications, like the handbook, when we first started, and it wasn't long after that most of the commercial functionality on the website stopped working. It was only a couple of years ago that I finally got them indirectly through Aunt Kay's husband. There was some good stuff in them, particularly some inspirational quotes that weren't on the website.
Sorry about the injuries, and I hope your wife is recovering. Sounds like we've been living somewhat parallel lives where medical interferences with DD are concerned.
Growing up in the era where parental and school spankings were accepted and quite common, I like many were spanked during childhood. They tapered off about 12 or so, not because my folks felt I was too old, but I had learned to behave and avoided being spanked. Then at 16, my Aunt gave me a bare hand bare ass spanking I remember to this day. In fact, I look back at that spanking to be the catalyst of my renewed interest in spanking. Fast forward about 30 years later my first marriage (vanilla) was beginning to dissolve. Travelling for work often, I began to look for an alternative which did not involve sexual cheating. I discovered the world of adult spanking. I visited many pros in NYC over the final few years of our marriage. After the divorce I met and eventually married a Pro Domme from The City. Right from the start she informed me our home life would be like a session that never ends. She knew I was an alpha male in my first marriage and during my career and set about converting me to a submissive. I was literally spanked into a submissive during the first few years of our marriage. After a few more years of living in a strict DD environment, the marriage ended, nothing to do with the FLR or DD part of our lives. A short time after that I met my now current life partner. Neither of us wanted to remarry but wanted to be together. She was aware of my prior life and I told her an FLR with DD was the kind of life I wanted. She had no experience in being the HoH, but was a German born schoolteacher so there was some dominance in her make up and she was willing to give it a try. She asked me to move in with her but before doing so we drafted our agreement, house and behavior rules, and a list of infractions for which I was to be spanked. The move in day came and after carrying in the last box of my stuff, she came to me saying... "if we are going to do this, we are going to do it right. Take off all your clothes, you are going to be spanked right now to start things off". I stripped and took position and she spanked and paddled me raw, scoped up my clothing and I have been kept nude whenever in the house ever since as our FLR was officially started. Been over 15 years now and our agreement is still in force. A few tweaks occurred over the years and we instituted a maintenance program a few years later. I am a full time submissive and get spanked for discipline and maintenance. So happy now my Aunt spanked me back then and think of that spanking often as I enjoy living in our 24/7 FLR with DD household.
ReplyDeleteSixteen would definitely be pretty old for a bare butt, bare hand spanking. I'm not surprised it had an impact (No pun intended. Well, sort of not intended.).
DeleteWhen you were seeing pros, were you ever concerned about your wife seeing marks from the spankings?
"She knew I was an alpha male in my first marriage and during my career and set about converting me to a submissive. I was literally spanked into a submissive during the first few years of our marriage." I wonder sometimes whether a super consistent approach might do the same for me. Even after 20 years, I'm still pretty Alpha, and I definitely am not submissive.
Cowboy wrote: “I began to look for an alternative which did not involve sexual cheating.”
DeleteThis deserves emphasis There must be huge numbers of men who have cheated while desperately seeking what they urgently need and are not getting in an otherwise happy and fulfilling marriage. And probably equal numbers who push on restively, staying in a relationship that is making neither partner really happy. The take a way for me is: make sure to talk to her early and openly about your needs and expectations. The needs won’t go away, they are part of you, and denying them only will make them more persistent.
For women confronted with your partners spanning needs in an already established relationship: Try to understand your partner and what is basically a healthy, albeit kinky ,need he has and will always have—a need that can enhance and enrich your relationship while taking you on a journey of discovery . I doubt that many women who decide to give him what he needs ever comes to regret that decision.
Alan
Agreed, Alan. For us, that conversation was going to happen mid-marriage no matter what, because I didn't bring a long-standing DD interest or spanking fetish into the relationship. But, I had always made it known, even when we were first dating, that I was very open-minded and non-judgmental about sexual matters, so she knew she wasn't marrying someone who had conservative, traditional views. And, I am very glad that once I did find out about DD and instantaneously developed a very strong interest, I brought it to her within days.
DeleteDan, I was quite careful about tell-tale marks from my visits to the pros. Having them alter some sessions or use different implements helps. I also travelled for 2-3 days at a time and tried to see the pro at the beginning of my time away and most of our intimate time together had been gone by this stage in our marriage. To my knowledge, she never saw any marks or suspected anything.
DeleteBeing spanked into a submissive was quite the experience. It was during the same time she was training me and teaching me my household chores and duties. To be spanked several times a day was not uncommon for different reasons and always a bedtime spanking. Not sure if it would work for you or others of if it would require more or less time, but it sure worked for me. I have no alpha traits left anymore.
MC here to comment. In the beginning…that was a long time ago…we have been married for 33 years and together for 35ish. Tom and I met through Scandinavian Folk dancing and were immediately attracted to each other. We found it easy to talk to each other though he says I was the quietest person he ever met. After a few dates and getting to know each other he brought up his interest and need for spankings. It was a topic new to me. I was interested in him as a person and what made him tick and shape him. Tom is a strong A type personality and I am a natural traditional wired woman. I come from a “Nordic” midwestern background but dated international guys of other cultural and religions prior to meeting Tom. I did not witness spanking in my childhood. Tom and I had a lot in common but are also opposite in some ways. As we dated we played around with his suggestions and before we got married we went to couple therapy to help us talk about what this ment for our relationship going forward. My biggest concerns were in my head as to what was expected out of me. Seeing pictures in magazines and online I naturally compared myself to the fantasy and fabricated women who were portrayed as dominate. I was very concerned I would be replaced as I did not feel comfortable being dressed as was being portrayed in the advertisements. We went to professional places so I could learn techniques and met professional DOMs. I learned from the professional ladies the ways to speak and use various equipment. I could be myself, dress in a way I felt strong and comfortable. All the ladies assured me that he truly loved me as I am. I grew in my confidence in my skills and attitude. Through the stages of having and raising our children into adulthood passed and we road many waves of challenges in our life together, we are now reaping the benefits of sticking together and growing through all the bounding experiences. Looking back, I live in gratitude for our growth together. We were both young adults willing to open up and share our very personal selves with each other. We were both willing to say “yes, let’s try” with each other. We have been also open to reach out to others for help through the years. Those early origin days are more far more vanilla in my mind. I sure Tom has similar but different perspective.
ReplyDeleteMC
"[B]efore we got married we went to couple therapy to help us talk about what this ment for our relationship going forward." When we got married, the Catholic church was requiring pre-marital counseling, but with older lay couples doing the counseling, prior to marrying in the church. (Anne is Catholic. I'm not.) I still have to chuckle at the memory of this nice but seemingly very vanilla older couple trying to run a converation with us about sexual compatibility. Their task was complicated by the fact that we had to do a questionnaire in advance, with multiple choice questions, many of which asked us to identify whether we agreed with each other, disagreed with each other, or didn't know whether we agreed with each other. Whenever Anne didn't know whether we agreed, she just assumed we did and answered accordingly, while I did the opposite. You could tell the older couple gave us about 6 months. :-)
DeleteI do think it's great that you were open to exploring Tom's desires early on. There was a commenter on here named Danielle who said she initially rejected her husband's submissive kinks, causing them to stay vanilla. Many years later, he tried again and this time she agreed to give it a try. They ended up in a quite kinky relationship, and she found she really enjoyed the Top role. She said that one of her biggest regrets was the feeling that she had "wasted" several years of mutual growth and fulfillment by shying away from something simply because it was "kinky" or "weird."
Dan, we too got married in the Catholic Church and did the pre-marital retreats, meetings etc. Your experience made me laugh. Parts of the experience definitely had their awkward points
DeleteI loved reading your story MC, thank you for sharing. It is inspiring that you both were so open right off the bat and have lived a successful marriage with DD throughout all of life’s stages. I too was worried initially that I would have to dress a certain way to be perceived as dominant so it was refreshing to realize that flr and dd relationships were real in the sense that you didnt have to wear leather to command someone.
DeleteMiss E, it really was an odd experience. I felt more sympathy for the counseling couple than for us.
DeleteThanks MC for sharing our story from your perspective. As you know, you married a lifelong spanko. I was fascinated by spanking and the strong emotions that accompanied them from as early as I can remember. I had a teacher in the 5th grade on whom I had a crush and she sent me to the principal for the paddle. I replayed that incident in my mind at least a thousand times for many years afterwards. I don't know if this "caused" my sexual connection to spanking or if it was just an inevitable trigger that was bound to be tripped when I reached puberty, but in any case, that was when I knew I was deeply interested in something I assumed other people wouldn't understand and I was very self-conscious about it while at the same time trying to learn as much as I could about it and what it meant for me. This was the pre-internet era and the only place to find anything was in adult magazines which were often crude and ill-informed to boot.
DeleteI was really very lucky that my first girlfriend was very open minded and non-judgmental. While it didn't do anything for her, she was happy to indulge my fantasies and was far less embarrassed about it then I was. That relationship lasted through college, but then we went in different directions.
When I met MC not long afterwards, I had had enough time and research to know that this was something that would always to part of me and that it would be unfair to start a relationship with someone without letting them in my interest in discipline and spanking. Again I was lucky to find MC, who was also unfamiliar with kink, but willing to explore it with me as part of a committed relationship. It hasn't always been smooth sailing as I have learned more about myself and how to treat someone who loves you but doesn't always understand why you want certain things. And as MC noted, she was concerned that someday I would find someone who shared my proclivities, and that would be that, so I learned to always be reassuring of my commitment to her as we explored the dark forest that is DD.
We have been helped along the way by members of the community (including pros) that have shared their experiences and advice and empathy, and that extends to this community too.
"I had a teacher in the 5th grade on whom I had a crush and she sent me to the principal for the paddle." That's what I love about these origin stories -- some always trigger a strong reaction in me even if I didn't have a similar experience. I can definitely see how being sent for a paddling by a teacher you had a crush on could be a very strong formative experience.
Delete"I learned to always be reassuring of my commitment to her as we explored the dark forest that is DD." That's great advice for any male who wants a DD relationshp but is married to someone without any experience in it. I'm not sure they can ever really understand why we are wired this way, but that makes it an even greater gift that they do this for us. And, hopefully over time they come to get big benefits from it themselves.
I can relate as well. I had a crush on an elementary school teacher as well. Miss B. She had long flowing reddish hair. She always wore long flowing dresses. She scolded me severely one day about causing a disturbance in the classroom and told me if I didn’t tone it down, I would be paddled. This in a classroom that another teacher, also Miss B. brought her own daughter into a large closet with a yardstick. I over heard the spanking after class one day. She brought that yard stick down many a times on her daughter. I always thought about those two incidents years down the road. The paddle was used religiously in our school.
DeleteT
ReplyDeleteAs you said, I’ve shared our origin story before but am happy to repeat it, and it’s really quite different from most others. I was having spanking fantasies as a teenager, which is curious as I grew up at a time and place where there was no spanking, this was on the other side of the Pond in the fifties and sixties and it just wasn’t a thing. So it somehow came from inside me without any external knowledge. Like apparently many on this blog, I married someone who was completely vanilla (and tbh barely even that.). That marriage struggled through about twenty years before finally collapsing. After that I was able to indulge my fantasies for the first time, when conveniently, the Internet was just getting started. I met my - now - wife through an early spanking website in 1999, then met in person in early 2000 and married a year later. I was spending much of my time in the US by then and have lived here ever since. As with others in this blog, this started off as a sexual thing. Initially Mf, then we started switching (I had always been switch) and within a year, she had become totally Domme and had no further interest in being on the receiving end. At some point a few months after we had been together, she came across the DWC website which we both spent time on. Unfortunately, as with Dan, it was past its peak by then and we were too late to join any of their weekend get-togethers, which we certainly would have done. So, fast forward a few months and I grumbled about something in a way and at a time that really upset her - and of course regretted it as soon as I’d said it. Definitely not my normal, but pretty typical behavior by her previous husband. As I said, we were both aware of the DWC at this time but had never tried DD ourselves. I don’t remember who suggested it - I think she did but I’m not sure - but we agreed that this was the way to deal with the issue. It dealt with her anger and my guilt - and firmly established that I was not the same as her first husband. And we’ve never gone back but have lived an F/m DD lifestyle ever since. So I guess we’re a little unusual in that the move to DD was not driven just by me, although in keeping with many here, I wish she was stricter and more consistent.
Hoping your medical issues are resolved quickly and as painlessly as possible. TG
You're right, the fact that your wife played any role in initiating does seem outside the norm here, by a lot.
DeleteFrom the time I can remember, as a small child, I have always felt something watching men submit or be punished. Growing up in a conservative community where everyone spanked, I often would see or hear my male friends get disciplined by their moms.
ReplyDeleteAs I got older, I often fantasized about having someone to train, punish, and show tough love to. Someone I could care for in my way.
Ive always been attracted to the psychological side of flr and dd so I knew in order for me to have a successful relationship I would need something real. Real 24/7. Real dynamic between us. Real punishments.
My husband and I have been married for about three years and practicing our dynamic for over 4. From the beginning I was honest about what I was looking for. Before we began dating I explained punishments and how I would expect immediate obedience from him. Initially, the first months were spent just explaining everything to him and talking about it. He was completely unaware of this lifestyle and had previously always been the more dominant one in a relationship.
After a few months, the perfect opportunity presented to initiate our dynamic.
One of the first few times he met my parents he lied to them about a part of his past. That night I told him it was unacceptable to lie and he would not only have to apologize to them and tell the truth, but he would also receive a spanking. Honestly, the anticipation, nerves, and excitement leading up to the actual spanking was palpable and fed a deep hunger for me. The actual spanking was not too intense as it was his first time and he had a work emergency he had to leave for.
But from that time forward, we have never looked back. Since then we have continued to have many conversations, research new ideas, and happily participate in the ‘dance of discipline’. As someone once said, “the femdom two step”.
Through the years we have had periods where we were more active than others but even in our less active times, he still naturally obeys, respects, and bends over when I tell him. Perhaps the biggest downside to being the initiator has always been trusting him when he says he wants it too, but this year I have finally reached a point where I fully believe him. The biggest difference came from watching him ‘initiate’ or push for our dynamic to be more active during the periods where there was a lull.
"As I got older, I often fantasized about having someone to train, punish, and show tough love to. Someone I could care for in my way."
DeleteIt's great to hear someone articulate that they had fantasies that were the converse of what so many men here experienced.
I'm curious, how did your husband (then boyfriend) react when you told him what you were looking for? As I said in this post, had any of the older women I had crushes on had your interests, I don't really doubt they could have taken me along in that direction even if I did not, at that time, have any knowledge of this kind of lifestyle. Though, the power dynamic would have been different (I think), as they were much older than me, as I was in high school and college when most of those crushes occurred.
Wow,
DeleteMiss E provides a totally different aspect of DD/FLR. Men on the blog generally approach our wives about DD. It’s refreshing to see the opposite. I also can appreciate how you were up front and honest from the get go. You also provided a slow and easy transition into the relationship. I like the fact that he is now fully onboard in the relationship and looks forward to the stability that you provide. A great insightful look into the mind of a female disciplinarian.
T
My husband too is younger than me and had always been attracted to older women, so when I first told him about everything I think he was initially intrigued and thought it was sexy. As we went deeper with learning and me explaining everything he told me afterwards that he was nervous. Most recently when we discussed it, he told me he loves dd because it provides a structure that holds him accountable to remain respectful to me and others.
DeleteHi. Dev here. JR first approached me early on about his fetish. That was 34 yrs ago. I was open to the idea even tho he stills feels embarrassment. The first time I spanked him he was was very nervous but also “ exited “. I used my hand and was very mild. As time passed and the frequency increased he became more relaxed. One time he had an accident across my lap. As time passed I realized his need and is now used for mostly disciplinary reason. He’s no longer excited to go over my knee. I take things seriously and deal with situations appropriately. Over the years he’s had multiple serious spankings. Be that as it may his behavior has vastly improved! I don’t tolerate poor language and he has been spanked numerous times for that ! Overall he takes good care of me and is good in so many ways but when needed he knows my paddle is always code by. DR.
ReplyDeleteHi Dev. Thanks for joining in the conversation.
DeleteIn 20 years in this lifestyle, believe it or not, I've never had a hand spanking. Perhaps I should ask Anne to remedy that, but unfortunately I think she's come to enjoy her bath brush a little too much to take it easy on me!
Although you may have started off easy, your husband has shared with us some of his trips to the "woodshed." So, we know how serious you can be!
Thanks again for joining in, and I hope you'll do so whenever you have time and interest.
Dev, you say he still feels embarrassment. I think we all do. I certainly feel embarrassment and my wife doesn't hesitate to increase it. She is in no hurry to finish the punishment and her procedure and rituals enhance it. Is this also true in your case?
DeleteMy interest in spanking started at a very early age, I think I was about 6-7 years old. I don't remember exactly what started it all, but I remember being excited when I saw some of my friends getting spanked by their parents. I grew up during the Soviet era in one of the former Soviet republics, where parental discipline in the form of spanking was in almost every home. I have also been punished by my parents a few times in my life, but I didn't like it, or at least as far as I know, it didn't have any effect on growing up as a spanko. At some point, when the iron curtain fell and the internet became available to everyone, I realized that I am not some kind of weirdo and that there are other people in the world who are interested in this kind of thing. Still, it was a total taboo and my little secret that I fiercely kept to myself.
ReplyDeleteAs I became an adult, I found like-minded people and also had my first experiences, but I was very far from the idea that this could be part of a relationship. For me, it was always related to the fact that it should be someone other than my life partner and a woman older than me. I also used paid providers a few times, but it was never what I needed. I don't think I knew what I needed for a very long time. At some point I got married and accepted that it would remain my secret. I would have liked to talk to my wife about it, but I didn't dare. I thought she didn't respect me anymore. By nature, I am an Alpha male and she is rather quiet, calm and modest. I once tried to make spanking a topic of conversation, but her reaction was such (at least it seemed to me) that I realized that nothing would come of it. She knew I had some kind of secret fantasy that I didn't share with her and she even got sad about it, but that was about it. About 2 years ago, when our relationship was in crisis and we were starting over, I finally decided to open my mouth and be honest. We have been married for over 10 years by then. I thought it was now or never. And my surprise was big when she didn't push me away and said let's try. That if it is something that will help me be happier, she is ready to offer it to me if she can. Of course, this was something completely new to her, and she didn't even know such a thing existed. We got to the first spanking maybe about a month later, because only then were the children with their grandparents. The first times were more like experiments and feedback, but each time something came up and pretty soon they became quite painful. It has nothing to do with sexuality for her, so we keep the two things completely separate.
Around the same time, I also discovered this blog and soon realized that a DD relationship was what I really needed. Overnight, my vanilla wife became my queen and I couldn't imagine anyone else being the one to punish me. Today, we have been exploring this journey for a little over two years, my wife has become much more confident in the process, and I have a feeling that she is slowly starting to understand what I need and what it gives her. Someone here already wrote that his modest wife quickly turned into a very professional disciplinarian. Same here. If at first my wife felt insecure and she was a little uncomfortable to offer it to me, today she doesn't have a particular problem to make my ass really sore and establish some rules at home that I have to follow. So far everything has worked out well and I can say that we have never been in a better relationship than we are now. DD has become a part of our relationship, it means it works in the background of our real relationship, and does not dominate it.
As we still have school-aged children at home, it does impose some limitations, but luckily we have a large private household with various sidebuildings, and once I've earned a spanking, there's generally no escape. It will come sooner or later.
That's such a great story! It's such a perfect example of the point Alan made about the importance of raising this need with your spouse even if you think they won't be open to it. Do you think your wife truly would not have agreed to it that first time you sort of tried to raise it with her? Or, do you think you misjudged the extent of her resistance?
Delete"[I]t means it works in the background of our real relationship, and does not dominate it." That's really where we are, where we've always been, and where I want it to be.
I rather misjudged her potential reluctance and didn't realize it was about her never wanting to experience it herself. For her, even a small slap on the butt during sex was something she didn't like. Fortunately, I didn't have this habit, but when she told me about it, after that, talking about my fetish felt like suicide. We have later discussed whether this could have changed our marriage for the better earlier and came to the conclusion that maybe. At the same time, everything comes into our lives at the right time or a little later. Maybe we wouldn't have been ready for this back then because of our youth. You never know.
DeleteMy wife too is adamant that she has zero interest in being on the receiving end.
DeleteI agree that it's fairly pointless to engage in "what ifs" when it comes to timing. I do wish that DD would have come into my life earlier, as I think it might have saved me some self-inflicted drama and trouble but, as you say, I don't know whether I would have been ready for it any earlier in life. Moreover, there is no doubt in my mind that Anne wouldn't have been really able to embrace the role and do a good job with it a decade earlier. Even she says she had her own maturity issues when we met, and I think she likely didn't have enough confidence to even her dip her toes in being the "top" in a DD relationship back then.
My one last regret isn't so much about timing but about being so concerned about confidentiality that I missed some opportunities to engage with others, like any opportunity to actually meet "Aunt Kay." Her husband and I both talk about what things might have been like had we got to meet in person back then. But, given my profession and Anne's, some of the concerns were legitimate. But, I do think that probably is a needle we could have threaded successfully.
“Would have, should have, could have” this pertains to almost everything in life. Ive noticed, certain people are placed in your life at certain times for a reason. I look back at all of my relationships, both personally and professionally. They have resonated with me throughout the years. Looking back, the obstacles, joyous, and painful times made me the strong, caring family man today. Ive learned from my first marriage that didn't work due in part to our immaturity. I’ve stated in the past, that a full FLR would have been perfect for me in my mid twenties. Being reared in a strict religious household, caused me to go a bit wild in my twenties with freedom. I eventually married a women older than me, who immediately put me in my place with some comments made. My only wish is that I would have met her earlier in life. A strong domineering women who would have punished me daily if need be, would have tamed some of the wildness. Structure at that time would have been significantly beneficial. When I approached my wife about DD, she was skeptical as well. Although she can put me in my place, she always wanted a strong alpha man to lead. I still do that, but she realizes how DD has given her a voice and allowed her to express her disappointment in my actions. I told her I would never refuse to bend over for her. I love the idea about getting punished for my actions, until the actually thrashing starts. Reality kicks in quickly. We have a wonderful marriage and much stronger than before this journey started down its prim rose path.
DeleteT
"Ive noticed, certain people are placed in your life at certain times for a reason."
DeleteI'm a big believer in that, too. I'm also pretty adverse to doing the "what if" thing on any aspects of my life. I was a pretty unhappy kid because of the circumstances I was in at times, yet against the odds I've become a pretty satisfied adult, with a great family life and having retired from a very lucrative, fairly prestigious career. I've absorbed the lessons of It's a Wonderful Life, acknowledging that if I could go back and change one thing I didn't like, all sorts of other things would change, leading me on some path very different than the one I took that led me to here. (For an even better statement of this, check out the movie Charlie Wilson's War and the story of the Zen master and the little boy, told near the end of the movie by Phillip Seymour Hoffman's character.
In that vein, while I do wonder whether I would have benefitted from DD at an earlier point than it actually came along, I don't know that to be a fact. While my intensity, temper and anti-authority tendencies undoubtedly put a ceiling on my career, those tendencies also probably were part of what helped me to move up as quickly as I did.
I grew up in a strict home. However, I don't really remember being spanked. I'm fairly sure I was as a young child. I have older brothers and I do remember Dad taking his belt to them in the teenage years. I distinctly rember being told on one occasion that if I didn't stop doing something that I would get paddled. Then there was the one occasion when I was paddled at school. My mother worked at the school so I'm sure she knew but never said a word about it.
ReplyDeleteMy fantasy as a teen always involved me spanking one of my female classmates. I did see and hear one teenage girl being taken out of church by her father and you could hear the spanking in the distance. I guess I have always been a spanko. At the end of my junior year of college. I was reunited with a girl from my church that I really had never thought about before. I started to date her and wrote to her a few times my senior year. After graduation things got serious and my fantasy of putting a girl over my knees for a spanking was full filled. After we got married I determined that she would be spanked for disobedience and carelessness. One time we drove several hours away to some attractions. When we got home she informed me that she must have left her purse somewhere. I put her over my knee and and spanked her, even though I spanked hard she barely reacted. I never spanked her again. After two children she started stepping out on me and the marriage eventually ended. I remarried a year later. The sex couldn't be better but she made it clear that she was not into me spanking her. It wasn't long and we started to fight mostly over the kids but the fighting continued even after the kids were out of the house. I knew that most of the fights were my fault and after one of the fights she told me I was acting like a child. I agreed and suggested that she spank me . She was reluctant but did spank me with her hairbrush. I searched the web to see if other wives spanked their husband's and found DWC. I had her read the it and she thought that it might be helpful. At first it was awkward and she was reluctant but she would spank me for constantly arguing with her. When we hit the road full time I asked her to take over I wanted a WLM. I have received many spanking since and lately she has really upped her game.
Another great story of taking a meandering road to this lifestyle. It does seem like a lot of the couples involved at this have switched at some point, though I'm not sure how prevalent it is. I wonder how many of the men start the way you did, fantasizing about being the spanker, but then something changes.
DeleteUr
DeleteStories such as yours Ward have always intrigued me and in fact inspired me this past week. I’ve been spending time lately going through old blog posts getting ideas and I noticed that multiple couples had tried both sides of the paddle. As I’ve mentioned previously, my husband and I have been in a bit of a lull dynamic wise and had a talk about being more active again. In fact he was the one to say he wanted this. So Ive bought a beautiful new wooden hairbrush that comes in today! And I’m taking him to dinner to discuss rules etc later this week.
DeleteSeeing that I want to push him more, demand more from him, and grow our dynamic, I decided I wanted to experience a spanking before I asked more of him. I’ve never experienced a dd spanking (barring childhood discipline) and I felt I wanted to earn him in a way. So I told him he could do it when he liked, as hard as he wanted, as long as he wanted, I only asked that he use every implement which I use on him. You guys are always so eloquent about the emotions, feelings, and physical pain of a spanking, and I must say, it definitely lived up to it. The spanking itself went well, I learned some new techniques I plan on using on him, and overall took about 300 hits, 100 of which were canes alone. I have a new appreciation for how much I can push him. Afterwards however, while it was a great experience, I know which side of the paddle I love and I asked him if he still wanted to be a disciplined husband to which he said yes and confided why it meant so much to him.
My husband and I have been reading your site for a number of months. We had a few interactions by phone and email with Aunt Kay, My husband brought the DWC site to my attention hoping that if I saw a “ community” of people practicing Domestic Discipline, I wouldn’t feel his desires to be disciplined so strange.My husband is a Type A and a successful executive, Fairly early in our relationship he mentioned a spanking he got at 9 or 10 from the woman who lived next door.. His parents didn't spank and he felt he was unsupervised. He had deceived the neighbor and thought he had tricked het to collect a reward. The reward was a bare bottom hair brush spanking. When he described this spanking decades later it was a genuine relief to tell me about it.,He felt his life long obsession with anything even mentioning spanking was an embarrassing characteristic.. I was raised in a large family 9 siblings and my mother never hesitated to spank us always bare bottom. Spanking for me was certainly not erotic. After many discussions we agreed that certain behavior would warrant a spanking. .My first attempts at being a Disciplinary Wife were awkward.. It took time and practice to find the right implements and position After many years there are times when I get real satisfaction and stress relief from blistering his butt. After a number of genuine punishment spankings there have been days when he couldn’t sit comfortably. He had a tendency to yell expletives during spankings but i have washed his mouth with ivory soap and there is always a fresh bar in sight during spanking sessions. This arrangement works pretty well and the spanking do hsve a positive effect on his behavior and our marriage
ReplyDeleteMiss C.
DeleteI can remember being spanked by Moms best friend. She would
Watch us throughout the summer and swung a mean wooden spoon. I like you had a strict upbringing. Mom used the spoon or belt on our bare bottom religiously. We knew to tow the line. My wife was similar to you in that the first few times were a bit awkward. She found her groove overtime. I’m just happy I never waited so long to tell her how I felt, must of been difficult for your husband. My wife does say it provides a stress relieve and a reset for her.
Miss C., welcome and thanks for joining in. Your husband's status as Type A and successful describes me pre-retirement, though at the time we found the DWC I would have described myself as moderately successful but with potential. I wonder sometimes how much of the later success was attributable to DD giving me just a little more discipline and focus.
DeleteIt's interesting that your husband knew by 9 or 10 that he felt "unsupervised." Growing up, I knew I had fewer rules than many kids, but at the time I saw that as an unmitigated good thing. I really didn't perceive myself as being stressed by that experience until much later, with the benefit of hindsight, and I don't think understood how much it likely played into my future DWC interest until years into this blog and after many discussions here.
It's great that you got to talk to Aunt Kay in person. I exchanged emails with her but, unfortunately did not get to meet her before she passed. I do now have a pretty close relationship with her husband.
Miss C, I just saw Aunt Kay's website for the first time and wish I could have been in touch with her as you were. She must have been an admirable lady. I think what she recommends may be a bit too severe, and I'm wondering how you interpreted it, My wife can be severe at times, but not as much as Aunt Kay seems to prescribe.
DeleteTom, initially I was a bit reticent to administer the harsh spanking Aunt Kay suggested. After some effort on my part I was able to extract some detail of the spanking that mom dished out. He told me when he said no when she told him to drop his jeans that she slapped his face. He said from that moment he submitted and that she strapped him until he was pleading for her to stop and promised to “ be good”. He said she left welts and bruising that made it hard to sit comfortably. He said that if she looked at him a certain way he went weak at the knees. Over time I have found that real punishment spankings that leave marks can change his attitude for weeks . 50 years later he still remarks about mom’s strap
DeleteWhile I may have been willing to explore both sides of the paddle, that was a hard no for MC and not a problem for me.
ReplyDeletePicking up on Miss E’s comments, we did a few retreats that were led by a professional dom. She was obviously very comfortable being “in charge” at all times and only sessioned as a dominant, however in her personal life she was attracted to very powerful men (think military types) and she confided the occasionally she would build up too much “red energy” that could only be reset with a heavy session on the other side of the paddle. I’m struck by the similarity in both stories.
Always prior it was a hard no for me, but I decided I should at least experience both sides so as to better lead moving forward. I wanted complete confidence that I knew exactly what I was asking of him and putting him through in discipline. One of my biggest issues previously was feeling I didn’t have a right to ask certain things of him if I was not willing to at least experience it myself. Granted I don’t think one has to do this for a successful dd but for myself personally it made a difference. Almost as if it allowed me to “earn” my husband and now move forward more confidently.
DeleteMy wife has not been on the other side of the strap. I’ve mentioned in the past she despised being paddled growing up. She and Mom had a love hate relationship. She was the goody tushu of the bunch. I have playfully spanked her for foreplay but would be uncomfortable giving her the kind of thrashing she administers on me. I actually thought she wouldn’t be onboard initially due to her upbringing, but she quickly delved into her inner dominant side.
DeleteT
My wife has also made it plain that she has absolutely no interest in being on the other side of the paddle. The closest I get to spanking her is the occasional flirtatious swat on her backside and a few occasional smacks to her bare behind during sex. --al
DeleteI noted with some interest the inclusion of a picture of Sophie Marceau, since she is a famous Femme Fatale from "The World Is Not Enough"; not quite as far as Famke Janssen in "Goldeneye"! I have no idea how many men got their jollies from seeing these women!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, onto the questions! I think I first started to think about adult spanking sometime in adolescence: I can't remember what sparked it off though.
I spoke with my now-wife about it during one of many discussions about our future married life when we were engaged. We talked about all sorts of things. Off the top of my head, I probably sold F/M DD spankings as being an orderly way of dealing with things she wasn't happy with regarding me, rather than letting things build up until other problems arise. I think it took me several attempts to pluck up the courage to discuss the subject during a pre-marital discussion, but I kept bottling it. Eventually, I resolved firmly to do it during the next discussion with her. Her reaction was one of mild surprise, but she was willing to hear me out and listen to what I had to say regarding why I thought it would be a good idea. We didn't talk about it a huge amount after that, but she clearly became more enthused by the idea as the wedding approached. We made sure implements were included in the honeymoon packing.
The spanking happened on the wedding night as planned. We arrived at the bridal suite and unpacked for the night. When we were ready, I embraced her and assured her all was well and I was keen to go through with things, before turning round and pulling my suit trousers and underwear down at the back. I then put my hands against a wall while she gave me a blistering till I could not take any more. I then undressed to my underwear where the same thing happened. She seemed a bit taken aback by the end, so I embraced her and reassured her some more. I then took off my underpants and we consummated our marriage. It was strange to feel a hot feeling while doing so, and although it was extremely painful at the time, I was glad I went through with it. On balance, it was in line with expectations, though I didn't have too many preconceived ideas about what it would be like.
J.
My obsession with F/M spanking began when I was in 1st grade. My parents put me in a private, fundamentalist, Christian school, and I was spanked by a teacher. It was actually child abuse, but I learned to sexualize it, although I was much to young to actually understand that. After 3 years, they kicked me out for asking questions, and I went to a public school, but my interest in F/M spanking never left. My parents didn't spank me, and when it became obvious to them that I wasn't going to turn out the way they wanted me to be, they pretty much left me alone, and I had few boundaries. I had an adolescence much like Dan's, and at the time, it seemed ideal. I left home after my 3rd year in high school and got my own place, working and going to school in another city. Fast forward, I got drafted, sent to Vietnam, and had a pretty unstable life for the next 40 years, unaware that I had PTSD, still didn't have many boundaries, and was limited in my ability to be truly intimate. I took a lots of risks, did a lot of dumb things, and it's a wonder I didn't wind up dead or in prison. Around my 40s, I discovered the DWC, and it really shocked me. I wanted to be a relationship like that, but it seemed all the women I was with were simply not into it. I married a woman who seemed to be interested, but got tired of it, and eventually, she suggested I go to a pro to get the spankings I wanted. The pros I went to were good, and initially very exciting, but ultimately, I realized what I wanted was a real DWC lifestyle. I ended up getting together with a woman who seemed open and adventurous. I took her to witness a session with a dom, as I knew I needed to be completely honest about my sexuality. It was amazing to me that she seemed to be interested, and she quickly learned how to give me a real spanking. After a year or 2, it slowly dawned on me that what I was really craving were real boundaries, accountability, and consequences. Reading this blog has been extremely helpful in normalizing what a true DD lifestyle is about, which we now have. An unexpected bonus of this new lifestyle is my discovery that spanking has largely reduced my PTSD. DD has helped me become more sensitive, less macho, less selfish, and better behaved. It has helped her become more confident and assertive in the real world, as well as in our relationship.
ReplyDeleteAnd we have lived happily ever after.
It doesn't really surprise me that DD might help with PTSD. It seems like many kinds of intense experiences can rewire your brain. If psychedelics can help with PTSD, I can see how DD could, too.
DeleteIt really is amazing how many people discovered this lifestyle through the DWC.
Great topic, Dan – even though many of us (myself included) have shared our stories here before, it is quite interesting reading through the various origin stories.
ReplyDeleteI believe that my interest in F/M DD was triggered at the age of ten when an attractive aunt gave a sound otk hairbrushing. Due to family issues, I was staying with her family for a few weeks one summer. Like others here, I was raised in the Bible Belt where spanking was simply a fact of life. I had been spanked probably an “average amount” up to the time I was about eight, but had not been spanked in a couple of years when my aunt decided that if I were going to be staying with her family for the summer, that I needed to learn quickly that I needed to do as I was told with no backtalk. She was a believer in spanking and spanked her boys regularly – usually bare bottom otk with a brush. I had overheard her spanking her boys a few times over the years – and they were always lengthy spankings that had her boys crying in short order. Presumably since I was not her child, she left my underwear on, but pulled them up into my crack and then gave me what seemed like a good 50 or so whacks, and I was very shortly crying my eyes out just as her boys always did.
At the moment, my only thought was that I wanted nothing more of that hairbrush – and so I stayed on my very best behavior for the rest of my visit. But – when puberty struck a couple of years later, that experience somehow morphed into a sexual fantasy that resulted in an ongoing fascination with F/M DD. That interest, however, remained a very secret fantasy through my teen years – until at the age of 19, I briefly “dated” a kinky woman in her late twenties who was into spanking. She was primarily a bottom and, at her request, I spanked her a few times. She did, however, spank me once “to show me how it was done” – which, while not a true “DWC level” spanking – did sting quite a bit and left me with a nicely reddened bottom. That relationship was short lived, however, and that remained my only adult spanking for the next 20+ years – but it did reinforce my interest in experiencing more F/M DD – although I don’t think I imagined it as an ongoing lifestyle.
Over the years after that, F/M DD remained in the back of my mind, and I would occasionally read a spanking story in an adult magazine (but most of them were M/F). However, as with others who have shared, it was the advent of the public Internet in the early 90’s – and the spanking stories that appeared on the Usenet – that really made the idea of adult spanking much more real. And then came my discovery of the new DWC website that really “put it all together” with its concept of an ongoing “disciplinary wife” marriage where the wife spanked her husband regularly. I was completely taken with this concept – but regrettably felt that I had to relegate it to fantasy as I was quite sure that my wife would think I was a perverted weirdo if I even mentioned it. So, for a few years I continued to read F/M stories on the DWC site, Usenet, and elsewhere – and even wrote a couple.
So, it was one of the Great Surprises of my life when, during a rare moment of candid conversation over too much wine one evening in which we had swapped sexual fantasies - and I had confessed to a "mild interest in being spanked" - that my wife told me, "You know....I would love to paddle your ass!" This proclamation was immediately followed by instructions to stay put - that she would be right back. She came back a minute later with a ping pong paddle - and the next minute I was lying over her lap getting my bare bottom paddled. And while it was an admittedly mild spanking - especially by her standards today, it was more than what I would have guessed - about thirty whacks that all had some definite sting to them with a few real zingers towards the end - offering a hint of what was to come in the days that followed.
(Continued due to length) --al
Your aunt's attitude sounds very similar to the attitude of most of the mothers in the community where I was born. And, I had some pretty hot aunts. Unfortunately, I moved from there in the third grade, and I don't think I ever actually was spanked by any of them. I say I don't think so, because I did have one aunt in whose home I spent lots of time, and it could have happened when I was very young and I just don't remember it.
Delete(Continued from last post) --al
ReplyDeleteThe events of the following morning continued to leave me somewhat shell shocked - as I really cannot overstate how amazed I was by this turn of events. After we awoke the next morning, took our turns in the bathroom, my wife picked up the ping pong paddle and tapping it on her hand, said, "We need to discuss you leaving the toilet seat up" (yes, I know that is cliché, but it really is the way it unfolded) - and shortly thereafter I was again lying across her lap getting yet another paddling applied to my bare behind. This one was probably closer to fifty whacks, and the whacks were decidedly a bit more intense than those of the previous evening. This episode was definitely more like a real spanking than the first one. And although it was still mild enough that it did not cause any major discomfort, she did warm my bottom quite well that morning, leaving me with the sense that I had indeed been given a spanking that Saturday morning.
A bit later, as we were having breakfast, my wife - now in an unusually good mood - started teasing me with the idea that maybe this was just what our marriage needed - that whenever I got out of line, she could just put me over her lap for a good paddling - and that she could probably get used to that idea. Again, I must say that I was truly astonished that my plain vanilla wife of all these years had paddled my bare rear twice in the past twelve hours, seemed to be enjoying it immensely, and was now teasing me about paddling me regularly to keep me in line.
Since I had fantasized about having a disciplinary wife for years, I immediately encouraged her in this conversation by joking back with her that for the good of our marriage, I would drop my drawers and take it like a man whenever she thought I needed it. And then I went on to tell her, just a bit more seriously, that there were some good web sites for the "disciplinary wife" - and told her about Aunt Kay's Disciplinary Wives Club and another web site that had some good stories about wives that spanked their husbands. Shortly thereafter, she was on the Net reading all about wives that spank - and stayed there for the next three or four hours it seemed. In the meantime, I attended to some various chores and such. When she finally took a break from her research, we went out for a late lunch and had yet another conversation. She had been impressed with what she had read on the DWC site and believed that it would be a good idea for us to try to the Disciplinary Wife lifestyle. She also felt sure that I must feel the same way or that I would not have told her about the DWC site - and that clearly I was ok with the idea of accepting a disciplinary spanking - although she had some concern that I would feel the same way about taking such a paddling once I started getting the kind of "real
spankings" as described on the DWC web site. But she did hope that I would be able to accept true disciplinary spankings because she honestly felt that was just what was needed to help our marriage. The way she saw it was that most of our marital bickering came from the fact that I was an arrogant, cocky smartass (and that was at least mostly true) and that having my bare butt well paddled on a regular basis would be just the thing to help me learn some humility. I, of course, agreed to this trial - still completely overwhelmed that this was even happening - as I would never have believed it if you had told me. We talked some more, agreed to some basic rules, and that sort of thing. After lunch, she had me take her to purchase a true wooden hairbrush as she had already figured out from her research that this was an indispensable tool of the trade, and that the ping pong paddle was simply not heavy enough or durable enough to get the job done.
(continued - again) --al
(continued from above) --al
ReplyDeleteThat afternoon I received my first true DWC spanking – as my wife told me that I needed to know what it was really like to make sure that I really wanted to adopt this lifestyle – (and because, she admitted later, she really wanted to spank me). That spanking was nothing like my fantasies – it was much more genuinely painful than I could have imagined and it took everything I had to take it without jumping up. But – when it was done, there was a sense of genuine satisfaction (for both of us). And thus began our DWC lifestyle. --al
(Sorry for the length - I got carried away - and then copied and pasted parts of the story from my accounting in the User Stories section of this blog).
Like all on here, the DWC fascinated me in my early youth. I enjoyed reading the user stories and real people section.
DeleteI wish I would have had the opportunity to meet Aunt Kay. I know Dan is still in contact with her husband and it’s too bad he doesn’t contribute here anymore. He had some great insight into someone who pioneered DD for husbands and significant others.
T
My wife and I were members of the DWC back when Aunt Kay was in her prime and the club was actually an "active online club". To become a member of the club, the applying couple had to email a phone number (and a home phone number at that - as this was before the days when everyone has a cell phone) - and she would then call from a "private number" at a time prearranged by email. So, it took a bit of "trust" in Aunt Kay's reputation to reveal your home phone number which could usually be easily tracked back to your real name. But we did "take the risk" and provided our number for that initial conversation - within a month of my first spanking. And, of course, it all worked out and we enjoyed being able to connect with other "verified" couples - even if anonymously.
DeleteWhile we were invited, we did not have the opportunity to travel to meet Aunt Kay in person, but did have several phone calls with her. For a while I assisted her with the DWC Yahoo Group so we had a good bit of communication by phone and email during that period. --al
Al, certainly don't apologize for the length. I really enjoyed this longer, more detailed version of what you've shared in the past.
Delete"A bit later, as we were having breakfast, my wife - now in an unusually good mood - started teasing me with the idea that maybe this was just what our marriage needed - that whenever I got out of line, she could just put me over her lap for a good paddling - and that she could probably get used to that idea. Again, I must say that I was truly astonished that my plain vanilla wife of all these years had paddled my bare rear twice in the past twelve hours, seemed to be enjoying it immensely, and was now teasing me about paddling me regularly to keep me in line."
I've always said that Anne got comfortable giving hard spankings amazingly quickly, but I think it's fair to say your wife embraced the whole idea from the start more than Anne did. She told me later that at first she did think it was more than a little weird. I would characterize her early participation as more about accommodating me than really embracing it. On the other hand, I do think she agreed so readily to giving it a try--and said she found the DWC stories "interesting"--that I wonder whether she did actually gravitate toward it harder than she let on. I do think that, like your wife, she was pretty concerned about whether I really knew what I was asking for. In hindsight, maybe it was a good thing that the first couple of spankings were with a fairly flimsy brush or leather paddle and were OTK, before she learned to spank hard in that position.
Yeah - Even though it did take me to first admit I had "some mild interest" in being spanked, Susan later admitted that as soon as I mentioned it, she was immediately excited by the idea - and even more so after the sense of power that she experienced during that first "play spanking" with the ping pong paddle.
DeleteWhile Susan says she never fantasized about spanking me (or anyone) before that first spanking, and never would have even thought about it if I hadn't mentioned it, that she quickly realized that she loved the sense of power that she experienced even during that first play spanking - the sound of the paddle on my behind, watching me squirm, the sight of a well reddened bottom. She quickly realized that she loved to spank just for the joy of spanking - as well as the benefit of having a disciplined and mostly better behaved husband.
To this day - it is undoubtedly the biggest surprise of my life - that my wife, who seemed so completely plain vanilla - would become such an enthusiastic disciplinary wife. --al
I think for a long time Anne had a problem admitting, even to herself, that she got off on that power. Though, even now she draws a distinction between the spanking itself and some of the ritual around it. She says she enjoys the power of order me to take one, telling me to get ready for one, and telling me to get in position. She says the spanking itself doesn't get her excited in that same way, though she does like the sound of the brush or paddle on my behind. But, honestly, I think she still isn't being totally honest about her enjoyment of it, and I guess I get that. We're so egalitarian these days, it probably is easier to admit you enjoy being subject to someone's power than to admit you like exercising power, especially corporal discipline power.
DeleteYou both make a good point about how much enjoyment a wife gets from delivering a spanking. It's too bad we can't see her facial expression when she spanks as that would tell it all !
Deleteal - Loved your story, and don't think it was too long. In fact, I read it several times. You are a very lucky guy that your wife was so enthuistic right from the
Deletebeginning. It sounded like you both were encouraged to pursue this lifestyle because of the DWC, and like so many others, you have a better life because of it. Any woman who had a husband request jokingly that she should check out this "interesting" site, must have been as shocked as many of us were, upon first discovering it. For us, as a F/M - DD couple, this blog serves a similar purpose, and offers a wide variety of ways F/M DD can help a relationship. The discussion around the maternal flavor some of us desire has been of particular interest for me, as our DD has truly become a method of reparenting. I usually find something of interest in here and share it with her as part of our check in. Some of the in depth insights in this blog help expand the possability of what F/M DD can do for a relationship, and explores the complex psychological aspects of DD beyond what the DWC offered. It is also refreshing to hear from the women about their perspective of how they view it, and what they get out of it.
Glen, I've thought several times about asking her to video a session just so I can see her facial expression. And mine!
DeleteThanks, Norton!
DeleteNorton - thanks for the kind words and glad you enjoyed the story. Many of us owe Aunt Kay a debit of gratitude for her DWC website. The philosophy and information presented there certainly inspired many. And there was more to the DWC in terms of in depth discussion with Kay's private Yahoo group - but membership required the phone interview with Aunt Kay which - while blocking out the "fakers" - also deterred other legit couples who just were not willing to take that step due to privacy concerns.
DeleteThankfully, our host here, Dan, has created this blog and discussion forum to carry on the DWC tradition - and, with a more public discussion format than the private DWC group. For those who may not know, before her passing, Aunt Kay followed Dan's blog and gave it her blessing as continuing the DWC tradition. --al
Aunt Kay's real gift to us was that website. As I mentioned in here earlier, she was giving a demo in San Francisco and I volunteered to be spanked bare assed OTK in front of an audience. Big mistake. She spanked me so hard that in a few minutes I was truly begging for her to stop. Eventually, she did, but I had marks for over a week, and I have never been spanked so hard, before or since. I have been to some very enthuistic pro doms, and I obsess about F/M spanking, as well as being held accountable. However, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship that would include that level of intensity. That experience reminds me of the old "be careful what you ask for "addage". It makes me wonder if some of those involved in the DWC community experienced the same treatment from Aunt Kay, so it would be interesting to hear from them. Tony must be very tough.
DeleteOh, I guarantee some received the same treatment, but not necessarily "Tomy", as he went by here. He was known as "Jerry" in the DWC materials. Kay commented in a few places that she liked spanking husbands at DWC get-togethers because some could tolerate harder spankings than Jerry could, and he's told me he had a pretty low pain tolerance.
DeleteI really do need to get more focused on reinvigorating the original website. The original URL was taken over by some douchebags who constantly have it up for sale, but last time I looked they wanted something like $3,700. I've made offers in the mid-hundreds for it and gotten no response. I did secure a couple of obvious alternatives. For a long time, the issue for me was I didn't have access to the underlying files. "Jerry" put me in touch with the guy who had been maintaining the website, but it took months for us to actually connect. Finally, I did get all the code and the files. But, despite the fact that I spent most of my career in a tech-oriented career, I'm not very technical myself. So, I would need to get someone with some real website building skills to put it all together in a coherent form, which would require finding someone who was OK with working on an adult site and who would have discretion and respect for confidentiality. All of that obviously could be done, but I need to actually focus on it.
If it's a static website then it should be easier to find someone willing to help. Hosting gets a bit more involved once you move away from solutions like Wordpress.
DeleteYeah, I'm not as concerned about hosting, at least initially. What I really want is someone who can take the HTML and the files and put it all into a form that looks as close to the original as possible. I'm never going to try to replicate the commercial aspects, like the instruments sales. There is also some content, like the videos and photographs that appear in some versions, for privacy and IP rights concerns, as I have no idea who those people are. The videos had quite a few different participants, and I have no idea what rights they might have had or whether Kay and Jerry got effective assignments and waivers. That's one reason I've been a little leery about distributing the DWC manuals, even though I have them. I'm not sure who did the artwork on the covers or whether the DWC got full ownership of that art. I do know that the one and only time I have had a post on this blog taken down by Google was when I used one of the drawings on the DWC site (the one with the woman crouching down and looking through a window at a woman giving a man an OTK spanking). I have no idea whether that was because someone claimed an interest in that drawing and asked Google to take it down, but it's possible. I'm pretty confident that if I got into a fight anyone claiming rights in it, I'd win. But, who wants that hassle?
DeleteDan:
DeleteI can't currently provide any information regarding the artist(s) of the five DWC manuals / handbooks. Aunt Kay did mention (on her website) that the artist was a practicing DWC member, but I can't currently locate the particular "Volunteer" page / date where she provided that information.
Regarding the two drawings that appear on the entry pages of the original (pre-2014) website:
(1) [Entry warning and disclaimer page.] A woman, holding a copy of the "DWC Handbook," and looks out her window and observes a man (husband?) crouching down and peeping into their next-door neighbors' window;
(2) [Main entry page.] The back of a man's head, in closeup, as he peeps through his neighbor's window, observing a DW-wife with a man OTK (husband?), "bath brushing" his posterior.
Of note:
(A) Both drawing bear a clear "watermark" of "DWC" graphically-embossed in the upper-left corners;
(B) Both photos contain the signature "Tommy, (apparently the artist), drawn on the back of a wooden paddle, in the lower-right corners.
(Please note: The signature clearly reads "Tommy," and NOT "Tomy." You may wish to consult "Jerry/Tomy" to learn if he might have used a different spelling back in ca. 2011-23.)
Regardless, with the clear DWC watermarking, and the apparently correct "attribution" of the original artist, I don't think any artist could legitimately object/challenge the "continuing use" of those artworks as originally intended: On the (third generation) DWC website!
-- The Scotsman
Of course if you did make a video of a spanking there is always the worry that somebody else might see it, depending where you store it.
DeleteThanks, Scotsman. Tommy and "Tomy" definitely aren't the same person. I did ask Tomy, aka Jerry, aka Aunt Kay's husband, if he recalled anything about the artist and specifically whether there was any dispute around ownership or use. He didn't. I know a little something about copyright law, and unfortunately ownership and transfer of works can be a freaking mess, and small parties often don't get the documentation right. The watermarking and attribution don't help much. Even if the DWC could distribute it in the form of covers to their manuals, that doesn't mean anyone else can distribute copies of those manuals or the artwork itself. It's also unclear to me what the original ownership of any and all DWC intellectual property really was. As far as I know, there was never a corporate entity formed. So, it could have been that the DWC was just a tradename used by Aunt Kay and Jerry. But, as you point out, there also were a bunch of volunteers involved. One reason I don't think I'd ever even try to distribute the old videos (though, for those, I don't have a master anyway, just individual copies) is the volunteers included women like Dana Specht who were active commercial sellers themselves of spanking videos. I have no idea how the DWC handled the whole business and IP ownership of things. I like to think it was just a "labor of love" with a lot of people contributing their efforts for free, but I'm not sure about that. Jerry/Tomy doesn't seem to have been super involved in some of the nuts and bolts, and he's also over 80 years-old and details get hazy.
DeleteReading all of above, I might have some additional information.
DeleteFirst, although Aunt Kay stated, repeatedly, in the website that "Disciplinary Wives Club" was "incorporated," there are no records of any such name (or slightly similar name) in the California Secretary of States online database of Corporate Registrations. (CSC online records go back at least thirty years, to a couple years before the earliest "dated" references on the website.)
In terms of material that appeared on the website, you might recall that there were also upwards of 10-12 photographs, that clearly showed wives' or husbands' faces, during preparation and activity of spankings. Again, are there any "official/formal" releases from these individuals? Could we "blur-out"/pixelate faces to preserve these members privacy?
Also, a general observation. I'm personally rather involved in IP and copyright law, as they apply to computer software products. None of the mentioned artwork nor photographs bear any "copyright notices" that would allow any purported IP-owner to seek "minimum statutory damages" for any alleged violation of their rights. Proving any significant "actual damages" from use of any such material, particularly so long after initial publication, and multiple archiving in the internet archive, would be very difficult, and very, VERY unlikely to gain more than the costs of bringing a legal action.
Do you see this similarly, Dan?
Finally, while there is much IP-related work to do, do have copies of all the DWC-site source pages. Would anyone object to my starting to cleanup and standardize the HTML-1.0 and 2.0 code that much of the website was originally written in? Basically, standardizing all of the pages to a consistent framework and HTML standard?
Thanks for your consideration.
Final thought: Just a clear acknowledgment that "Tomy" is currently the owner of all the other IP of the DWC website, wherever those files might exist.
DeleteIt is "Tomy" who has ultimate control and authority in deciding if the DWC website might be "reconstituted," in as close to original form as technically and legally possible, to create DWC 3.0.
I don't want to "stop too far farward," not waste a lot of work-product, without clear guidance from "Tomy" as his desires and what might be possible.
Tomy/Jerry has been clear with me that he'd like to see the original site accessible again. I think in his ideal world, Anne would take over as a new Aunt Kay, but I've told him Anne is just a lot more of a private person than Aunt Kay seems to have been.
DeleteI talked to the guy who had been maintaining the website, and he seemed to think the plan was to reinvigorate it as a commercial site with some kind of blending of my blog. I told him that wasn't my vision and that I really just wanted to preserve as much of the original content as possible in its original form, with the original look and feel.
I mostly agree with the legal analysis Donn, other than the part about the Internet Archive having an impact on the analysis. There certainly would be a lot of hurdles for anyone to get over to bring an action, including the fact that, as far as I can tell, neither the site itself nor any of the content has been registered with the Copyright Office. That's not an impediment to suing at all, but they would first have to register and then, as you say, they would have to sue for an injunction and/or damages. Compensatory damages probably would be non-existent and, as you say, statutory damages would be tough or very limited. Re: attorneys' fees, the prevailing party in a copyright action is entitled to attorneys' fees, so that might not dissuade someone.
One very big, very practical issue would be that no plaintiff other than Tomy/Jerry would be likely to have standing to sue over anything but their own contributions, and they would have to prove what that contribution was and that it wasn't assigned to the DWC.
The long and the short of it is, I don't think there is any real legal risk in getting a copy of the original up and going, particularly if the new site wasn't being used for commercial purposes. I personally would not include the photos or videos, because I think it amps up the likelihood of someone coming out of the woodwork to object or take advantage.
I definitely don't have a problem with you cleaning up the code. As I said too, in addition to the HTML I do have basically everything the guy maintaining the website had, including all the files linked to the HTML code, etc.
Quick final thought / comment about potential litigants coming after a reconstituted DWC website:
DeleteWAIVER: The original website (v.1.0) and the second incarnation (v.2.0) have been active since ca. 1997, over twenty-five years. Most of those photos and graphics have been posted and distributed millions of time over the internet during the past twenty years. The existence of the website, and clear access to its contents, have been well known to anyone who had even minor interest in the matter. The chances of any litigant overcoming a defense of "implicit waiver" of continuing use of "their IP" would be very small to none!
Waiver isn't typically "a thing" in an IP rights case, other than trademark, which requires policing, i.e. enforcing the mark and where abandonment is also a defense. In patent and copyright, it's generally the case that the IP rights holder has no obligation to go after infringers and doesn't lose rights by not doing so. It could potentially play a role in limiting damages, but it usually wouldn't be a defense on the underlying liability.
DeleteIm really sad that I didn't get any of aunt Kay's work. Does anyone have copy or file to share?
ReplyDeleteW...
I'm not supposed to be here, so commenting without any identification.
DeleteThe last, valid snapshot of the "second incarnation" of Aunt Kay's website is available in the Internet Archive:
web.archive.org/web/2019/auntkaysdwc.com/
That url does not work for me. Would certainly like to read Aunt Kay
DeleteI have heard that she advocated real severity. Is that true and did wives take the advvice?
DeleteMay be an issue with your browser. That one worked for me. But, here is the one I typically use:
Deletehttps://web.archive.org/web/20191219065242/http://auntkaysdwc.com/
Also, this WordPress blog has most of the textual content. https://disciplinarywivesclub.wordpress.com/
Now that the original site is kaput, other than on the Wayback Machine, I might put this one in my links list, but I've avoided linking to it in the past because: (a) it wasn't authorized by Kay or her husband; (b) it isn't quite a faithful reproduction, as it's missing at least one story (maybe more -- I haven't tried to match 1:1); and (c) doesn't have anything like the same look and feel, though I guess that is in some ways better since the same look and feel might suggest, wrongly, that it is an authorized copy. I do suspect this was done by some fan without ill intent who just wanted to make sure the content was preserved; it doesn't seem to have been done with nefarious intent.
"Mr. Anonymous," again.
DeleteThat first, abbreviated link to the Internet Archive should work for most browsers, PROVIDE YOU DO NOT HAVE "LINK FORWARDING" [TURNED-OFF].
Otherwise, this is a direct link:
http://web.archive.org/web/20191219070354/http://www.auntkaysdwc.com/
("Snapshot" from about one hour later than snapshot Dan linked to, above.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dan:
Why not put a direct link to the Internet Archive's copy of Aunt Kay's website. It is a true reproduction, unlike the WordPress version.
-- The Scotsman
I probably will. I need to clean up several links there and in the blogroll. I was convinced for a while that I might be switching soon to Wordpress, given Google's intermittent threats to shut down all adult blogs. But, Wordpress has its own issues, and I don't know that platform well. I've been double posting here on Blogger and on Wordpress, using Wordpress as a kind of backup. But, I don't really have a good knowledge yet of the features. And, I've heard that Wordpress also randomly kills adult blogs, even though their official policy allows them.
DeleteThanks. I got it to work. A really impressive website. Much work went into those surveys. As for Aunt Kay's advice, it is basically very sound in my opinion, but I do think what she recommends might be too severe if a wife takes it to extremes. My wife can be pretty severe on occasion, but not so there are marks a week later.
DeleteTom:
DeleteObviously, there is no one size ("severity") that fits all.
However, part of the deal we all sign up for, and the authority we give our wives, is our agreement that our wives are fundamentally entitled to use whatever implements and severity "the wife" feels is appropriate to achieve the results "she desires."
That said, I don't know any wife who would not want to listen to her husband's concerns and participate in a reconsideration of overall goals and limits. In my opinion, periodic open and honest reviews of the overall DD-relationship should be part of relationship, from the very beginning. Of course, for very mature relationships, such reviews often become less frequent.
"I am worried about the power exchange", words from Mrs Good Life, about 10 years ago, which changed everything. I have gone to extensive details previously on this site on how a undulating M/F became a M/F-F/M then became a F/M quite quickly. It isn't perfect by any means, nor at times consistent but I wouldn't change my answer to that comment one dot. Cheers GLM.
ReplyDeleteWhen Beth and I were engaged, she had a conversation with my mother that turned out to be the impetus for further discussions about spankings. We lived some distance from mom and in our courtship, they really hadn't spent that much time together. They made up for lost time on an extended visit to mom's house and got along very well. It was then that my mother felt the need to share stories from my childhood, including ones that ended in a spanking. My fiance had grown up in family that didn't believe in corporal punishment and was surprised and maybe a little intrigued by mom's use of the hairbrush on my siblings and me. I wasn't there to hear all of it, but apparently no details were left out.
ReplyDeleteIt was after we got home that Beth asked even more about this aspect of my upbringing and I gave her my perspective. I told her that these were painful memories, but that I deserved the ones I got and probably more. She joked about sending me back to my mom for discipline and I surprised myself by suggesting that she could do it herself. I remember being embarrassed that I had said it, but was encouraged by her reaction. So we talked further. We had been dealing with pre-wedding jitters that included some conflict. I described my mom's hairbrush to her and suggested that she find one like it. It wasn't too long before she brought home a very nice hairbrush and left it on our dresser without comment.
Any doubts I had on whether she would use it were put to rest a few days later. She might have been tentative at first, but quickly got past that. That first one was an attention getter and the next few were progressively longer and harder. She was concerned the first time there was some bruising, but I assured her that she was doing just fine.
I can't say why she took to this role so easily. But I had given her plenty of reasons to want to take out her frustration with me and I still do. I also think she just enjoyed asserting herself this way.
There was an immediate improvement in our relationship and issues were far less likely to remain unresolved. It was obvious to many that I wasn't mature enough for marriage at that age and this gave Beth the tool she needed to deal with that. On more than a few occasions, she has said that my mother was right about what what works with me. My wife would never discuss our arrangement with her, so mom has no idea what she started.
Kevin
Kevin - Ever wonder if your Mom may have been discreetly offering Beth a subtle suggestion for a happy marriage? Or, at least - "planting the seed", so to speak. --al
Delete"It wasn't too long before she brought home a very nice hairbrush and left it on our dresser without comment."
DeleteIf our initial discussions had played out that way, I am very sure my heart would have jumped into my throat had I walked into the bedroom and seen that brush for the first time. As I've said, a year or so ago, Anne started leaving her two primary tools (ebony hairbrush and her wicked long-handled bath brush) out on our bathroom counter. There are times I walk into the bathroom and *still* have an emotional reaction to seeing them, even though they are now basically permanent fixtures in a room I see every day.
A former G.F. often referred to her brush, which was actually a sauna brush, as "the symbol of my authority" It was not unusual to find it sitting on the coffee table when she wanted to get my attention or make sure I understood her expectations. Interestingly I don't remember her bringing it out like that when she actually intended to spank me. For that the command was "get the brush" or she would lead me to where she was going to do it with the brush already there
DeleteAlan
-al said:
Delete“Ever wonder if your Mom may have been discreetly offering Beth a subtle suggestion for a happy marriage? Or, at least - "planting the seed," so to speak. –al”
This is something I have often wondered about. It seems to be a staple of some stories. But I don’t believe anyone has ever actually reported it happening to them or had knowledge of it happening.
Alan
Alan wrote: "This is something I have often wondered about. It seems to be a staple of some stories. But I don’t believe anyone has ever actually reported it happening to them or had knowledge of it happening."
DeleteThat is my observation as well. I've seen that theme (Mom tells daughter that she needs to spank her new husband) used in stories many times over the years - but I don't think I recall anyone making the claim that such a thing actually happened in real life on a discussion forum (although certainly there is some fiction presented as fact on the forums on occasion). --al
Al and Alan, there was one instance of it happening here. "Holly" was a commenter several years back. I really liked her comments, though she didn't stick around long. She said (and I found her comments to be pretty believable) that her mother had been the family disciplinarian and pretty open about spanking her father. Her mother encouraged her to spank her husband. She was resistant, because she felt like her mother had been *too* quick to spank, and it had left a bad taste in her mouth about the whole thing. But, as her husband's behavior got worse, she changed her mind. It's a little different from Kevin's scenario, because in his case it was the mother-in-law commenting to the daughter-in-law about spankings.
DeletePersonally, I think the most straightforward explanation for the openness of Kevin's mom about past spankings it that, in some areas of the country, it was always that open. And, while I'm sure that may have changed a bit over the years, I'm not sure it has changed all that much. A year ago, I visited my (very small, very rural) hometown to attend a funeral. Hanging out with one of my (female) cousins afterward, she told a story about her and her brother (the deceased) doing bad things and trying to avoid spankings when they were kids. Others chimed in with comments about spankings from that era, and it was very clear that they still see spanking as a wholly legit, even preferred, form of discipline for kids. I'm sure Kevin's mom felt totally comfortable talking about it because *many* in that generation would feel totally comfortable doing so, at least if they came from certain parts of this country.
The era of broad acceptance of corporal punishment was largely winding down by then, but less so where we were living and I'm pretty sure that many in my parents' circle of friends believed in it. Mom wasn't reluctant to say that she spanked, but the level of sharing depended on who she was speaking with and how they reacted. Beth was becoming part of the family and of course that made a difference. My dad was away from home quite a bit and then they separated and divorced. Mom was (and still is) rightfully proud of what she did on her own.
DeleteAnd just to be clear, I don't think there was any chance that mom was advocating for Beth to spank me. I admit that I used the opportunity to broach that subject myself, but it didn't come from her.
Kevin
Understood on your last point. As prevalent as spanking was where I grew up, it definitely would have been extremely odd for anyone to advocate it being used on an adult, especially an adult male.
DeleteAnd, my own mom wouldn't have been a good advocate for my wife spanking me. When she characterizes my behavior as a kid, she always describes me as being "not a bad kid, but just extremely energetic." That may have been true when I was young, but by the time I was a teenager I was doing all sort of "bad" things, but by that point she was having some issues of her own and had largely checked out in terms of trying to influence my behavior. Though, to be fair, because I was pretty good at getting myself out of trouble, she probably didn't know about a lot that was going on.
Al, I can understand why that might be a possibility but I doubt it. My mom is very proud of her parenting skills and is happy to share those views when there is someone willing to listen. Spanking may not be as politically correct as it was when she was growing up, but that has never stop her from advocating it. When I was growing up, she never minded acknowledging to others that I had been spanked. So for her to bring the topic up with my fiancee is totally in character.
ReplyDelete"Caged Lion" passed away in the hospital early this morning from multiple organ failure. When the extend of his condition was clear, his wife had the doctors remove all artificial life support, and he passed peacefully, without any pain.
ReplyDeleteI had not been following his blog for some time and wasn't aware until now that he was ill. My condolences to "Mrs. Lion."
DeleteThank you for letting us know. Please do pass on our condolences. --al
DeleteThank you for sharing this. Condolences as well.
DeleteReading recent comments regarding maternal spankings I thought everyone might find some added detail to the comments I made a few days ago. My mom who was a strong believer in corporal punishment had a paddle hanging in her kitchen.. while she used other implements, hair brush , wooden spoon , leather strap, the paddle was a visible warning. B had asked about it and my sisters had all made comments to him about being on the receiving end. During one of our first visits my mom actually asked him if his patents had ever taken his pants down and tanned his bottom. B thought it a bit peculiar. After the spanking I mentioned in my last post he was so concerned that anyone including me might find out he got spanked. My mom did not mention it to me and neither did he right after.. He was careful not to let me see the after effects , mom was a skilled spanker. After noticing his discomfort in sitting a few days later I asked what was wrong and he told me . He was so worried that my sisters or my dad might find out. It took a number of conversations for him to tell me he had thought about spanking and was so ashamed that he let my mom spank him. I told him I wouldn’t tell my sisters and didn’t. My mom never discussed the actual spanking with me but i think she knew i knew. Years later B told me that after he made some unkind comments when she was visiting us , she approached him while he was. Cleaning up
ReplyDeleteAnd asked him if he wanted another taste of her strap. He said he went weak at the knees and answered no ma’am . I don’t know how long it may have taken ti get to
Our long dynamic of me spanking him if not for my mom’s strap
Miss C,
DeleteQuite an interesting story. My. Mother had a paddle she obtained from Amish land. She graduated from the spoon to that paddle and the strap. She also shared conversations in general with my wife about me being spanked while growing up. My wife has not shared our DD with my Mother and would never. She would be too embarrassed. The only time it’s ever come up, we were in a kitchen boutique store with my Mom, wife, and some friends. They had oversized wooden spoons. My wife said in jest, I should buy one of these to use on you when your out of line. I chuckled and laughed it off. These were some serious spoons. Spanking may not be politically correct now a days, but it’s used a lot more than people think it is. The Bible Belt hasn’t changed all that much over the years.
T
Origins: I have always had the spanking interest, at least as far back as I can remember & certainly before I was sexually aware. Spanking was very common & completely accepted where I grew up. I was often threatened explicitly at home with a ‘red behind’ by my mother and by any of my several older sisters but the actual act never took place. Many of my friends were corporally punished and I overheard through open windows on a number of occasions. School was different though. The Christian Brothers used the strap daily & publicly on the hands for any misbehaviour free m the age of seven to about fourteen. Fair to say that it was a very unusual day when the strap was not applied to large numbers of the class, in groups and individually. I ended up across the knees of the head brother in his office a couple of times for a punishment the hurt a lot less than on the hands. Some part of me knew at the time that these sessions were more for him than for my discipline. My friends at that time would often relate similar experiences.
ReplyDeleteMy earlier fantasies as I became sexually aware were largely M/m and sat hidden alongside all the usual ‘normal’ heterosexual impulses. As an avid reader I would seek out spanking scenarios in fiction to fuel my imagination - there seemed to be an awful lot more of it back in the day….
Fast forward many years and my wife of twenty years playfully spanked me one night after a few drinks. That was a complete revelation as I had never spoken to her about that side of me. After several days of mental gymnastics I finally wrote her a letter explaining & suggested that we incorporate spanking into our relationship. She was & is vanilla but agreed to give it a try. At that stage I had no idea about DD, I was just happy to have some real experience of being spanked. I coached her on duration and severity. I acquired implements - a light wooden paddle that really stung ( she eventually broke it on me!), a leather paddle which I ‘liked’ but she never felt was effective enough, a leather school strap (London Tanners) very effective & still our go to and a couple of natural & synthetic canes.
My research found the whole DD genre on the Web including the DWC and we gradually transformed to a full DD arrangement where I am punished for rudeness, disrespect & similar crimes against her.
It would be unusual for more than ten days to pass now without a spanking. We both get different things out of that aspect of our relationship - she has a better behaved, more respectful (mostly!) husband and a more balanced marriage. I get the boundaries I need & most of my fantasies fulfilled.
Given that I was brought up in a largely female dominated household ( my father died when I was quite young) I am still surprised that it took me so long to ‘get’ the F/M dynamic. It literally never occurred to me as a valid expression of my needs which seems so bizarre now. TB
"Given that I was brought up in a largely female dominated household ( my father died when I was quite young) I am still surprised that it took me so long to ‘get’ the F/M dynamic. It literally never occurred to me as a valid expression of my needs which seems so bizarre now."
DeleteI do get how you can miss some of those early drivers. I too lost my biological father when I was very young. I don't connect that loss to my DD or FLR desires directly, but it may have played an indirect role. I've read that boys who lose a father early in life tend to feel hyper-responsible for everything around them. That definitely has always been me, and I think a big part of my attraction to DD was placing some responsibility in another's hands. Also, while I can't identify exactly the inputs that got me there, it's now clear to me that a lot of my DD interest was really about a desire for imposed authority with a female-vibe. I'm not sure how I missed that in well over a decade of thinking and writing about DD, yet that's the way it played out.
Love those London Tanners straps. I highly recommend them to anyone who wants a strap that will last way longer than you do.
So after 30 years of a mostly good marriage I self examined my behaviors over the years. I have always been faithful and I think a pretty good husband, but am pretty alpha by nature and tended to be borderline aggressive even abusive sometimes in my arguing style which often included name calling, raising my voice, being argumentative and disrespectful. I wanted to be better. I became interested in light, sexual BDSM through the internet and some mainstream Netflix etc and eventually happened across DWC …like many of you I was floored. It hit me instantly that this could work as a tool to make me become a better husband. After several weeks I worked up the courage to ask my wife, and she listened carefully and didn’t say no right away. She did express a lot of reservations mostly about not wanting to hurt me or cause pain. It’s really against her nature. I came up with a list of rules and asked for her input. It mostly involves Not doing behaviors…raising voice, being argumentative, drinking more than allowed, name calling…but has evolved to include things to do like goals, self care…but I’m getting ahead.
ReplyDeleteOne night not long after I brought this up to my wife, we had a mild argument and I don’t remember what it was about…but I do remember very well what happened after. She went upstairs to get ready for bed, and after awhile called down to me to come upstairs. She was in the bath vanity area dress in a robe and when I entered the bedroom I saw a black belt neatly coiled on the edge of the bed. She looked at me from the open bathroom door and said, “Let’s give it go!” She told me to strip naked and bend over the bed. She then picked up the belt and begin strapping my bare bottom with it. Compared to the spankings she delivers now almost 2 years in to our FLR with DD that first spanking was nothing. She quickly saw how much better I am behaved now compared to who we now refer to as the old “me”. My discipline comes rarely unplanned as in “Go upstairs right now”…I think only about 3 times has that happened. I keep a daily journal and we review it once a week. I am honest, complete and do not hold back or gloss over my misdeeds. Sometimes if I have been exceptionally good there is no punishment, but usually there is discipline, and our agreement is that there is no such thing as a light session. If discipline is given it is always brutal, harsh and ends in my total surrender and submission. Once recently I refused a session that was going to be an impromptu, “Upstairs…right now spanking”. Well…I’ll never do that again…the following day I got almost double what she normally does.
It feels good to finely share our lifestyle, even if anonymously. FLR with DD has made our life and marriage immeasurably better. I love it.
The above comment was posted Anonymously, but for the purpose of continuity and clarity in replies and comments let’s say it was posted by “Jackson”.
ReplyDeleteOops…that erased my whole story…Just figuring out how all this works…sorry. I’ll have to rewrite my whole story now.
ReplyDeleteSo I have been married over 30 years to my smart, sweet, talented and fun wife. I believe that most of the time I have been a pretty good husband. I have always been faithful. I do drink more than I should. Until a couple of years ago when we started our FLR with DD, I could be borderline abusive in arguments. I would raise my voice, name call and bring up past issues instead of focusing on the present one. ALL of that has virtually gone away.
ReplyDeleteOne day while on the internet and looking in to a bit of light BDSM, (we were and are a vanilla couple, but I was interested in the idea of spanking or being spanked, my wife was not and has zero interest in being spanked)…I ran across DWC website defunct. I read everything I could find on the subject and was aroused and enthralled by the idea of becoming a better person, human, man husband by being disciplined by my wife. After a few weeks I went to her and worked up the courage to talk about it. I presented the idea as a way to become a better husband. I was ashamed and felt guilty for hurting her and diminishing her self esteem through name calling and inappropriate argumentative behavior. She listened carefully and didn’t say NO. After a few days I presented to her a list of rules and “Improvement” that I was to work on and she could help me accomplish, and asked for her input. the rules were mostly about things NOT to do…raising my voice, name calling, showing any disrespect…drinking more than allowed (now limited to 3 drinks). Together we drafted our agreement, but she didn’t say yes, and expressed reservations, mostly about not wanting to hurt me which is totally against her nature. She was also concerned that I just wanted to be spanked and so this would really be rewarding bad behavior…but I’m getting ahead.
A few nights later we had a mild argument…I don’t remember what it was about…I used the B..word…she went upstairs to get ready for bed. About a half hour later she called down to me to come upstairs please. When I approached the bedroom door I could see that she was in the vanity area of our bathroom dressed in a robe and on the edge of the corner of the bed was a neatly coiled black belt. She peered through the door to the bath and looked at me staring at the belt and said, “Let’s give it a go.” She told me to strip naked and bend over the bed…which I did right away. She immediately started strapping me hard with the belt. She showed some reluctance and reservation stopping to ask if I was okay a couple of times and I reassured her that it hurt, but I was alright. When it was over I thanked her and promised to be better. That first spanking was nothing compared to what she does now. My reluctant wife saw what a difference it made in my behavior. I don’t remember the last time I called her a name. Sometimes I still raise my voice or have more than allowed to drink or break other rules of which now there about 30, including discipline any time for any reason. We used to have a safe word, but decided that if I could get out of discipline it undermines the dynamic. My discipline comes usually once a week. I keep a daily log of behaviors or rules that are broken and am very honest and good about self reporting. We review it and she then decides if discipline is necessary. We decided about six months ago that there would be no light sessions. If a spanking is necessary it is to be harsh, brutal and lead to total surrender and submission on my part and then continue until she is satisfied. I always thank her afterword, and she always checks in to make sure that I am okay. We usually have great sex after my adrenaline and endorphins calm down. I realize this life is not for everyone, but 2 years in now I wish we had found it earlier. It has made me a better husband and person, and has given her a sense of control and self assuredness that even though she has always been very strong is greater than before. She does this for me and I am grateful and love her all the more for it.
Hi Jackson. Welcome.
DeleteSo much of this comment parallels how things went for us and the motivations underlying our initial DD journey.
"I read everything I could find on the subject and was aroused and enthralled by the idea of becoming a better person, human, man husband by being disciplined by my wife. After a few weeks I went to her and worked up the courage to talk about it."
Although I tend to talk about it terms of wanting "accountability," it's probably more accurate to say I saw accountability as tool for, as you say, becoming a better person. I also had some of the same issues you identify, including drinking too much (which remains a problem for me and probably always will), and being too dominant in conversations.
Yes…When I’m being too dominant in conversation she will give me a warning look or a pinch if she is close enough and no one will see, and if I back off all is forgiven, but if I continue she addresses it later at home.
DeleteHi again everyone:
ReplyDeleteJust thought I would "check-in" now that my four-week "grounding" has expired. (This post doesn't really "fit-in" with this week's subject, but might be interesting to some members.)
Anyway, as I started to describe back in mid-August, during our discussion of using DD for "accidents," and how much responsibility should be assigned for "foreseeable 'accidents'" and those that involved some other "violation," I myself was involved in a serious, high-speed motorcycle collision with an automobile about two weeks before that discussion.
The reason? I violated one of my own safety protocols: "Never place the MC where you do not have AT LEAST 'two escape routes'."
Riding down one of the LA freeways, going about 75mph, I tried to pass between two cars that were travelling about 70mph. The two cars had a full empty lane between them, but were otherwise perfectly, exactly parallel to each other. I clearly saw that the driver on my right was acting a little "hinky" and incompetent, in trying to change one lane further to his right, where a third vehicle was partly blocking him. The hinky driver did not correctly comprehend that third vehicle's position, and the third vehicle sounded-off, causing the hinky driver to quickly swerve back into his own lane. Only problem: The "incompetent" "hinky" driver overcompensated, and quicky occupied three-quarters of my own lane.
I tried to accelerate through the closing gap, but was too late. The hinky driver struck the back half of my motorcycle with his left-front fender, knocking my back tire free of the pavement (skidding), so I was travelling forward at 75mpg with the motorcycle twisted at a 10-15 degree angle. The whole bike started to oscillate when the rear tire started regaining contact/traction. I managed to restore control by counter-steering and applying full power. I was able to pull-over to the shoulder about one-quarter mile down the freeway; none of the other drivers bothered to stop.
(Cont. . . .)
(. . . Cont.)
ReplyDeleteWhen I got home, my wife sensed that I was agitated and somewhat distraught, and she inquired why. I was not "forthcoming" with my wife about my violating the safety protocol, nor about the fact the MC had made "contact." In fact, I falsely, misleadingly, described the incident as a "close call."
She apparently sensed that there was more to the events, but did not confront or press me for more information. It was over two weeks before I built up the nerve to confess what had happened, and how I had misled her. Apparently she, herself, was getting ready to confront me (if I had not confessed), as she had noticed I was parking the MC in an "irregular" position, and went out that first week and personally observed the damage to the rear pannier and crash-bar/spinner. (The rear pannier and crash-bar/spinner absorbed almost all of the collision energy, and prevented my right leg from being crushed or broken.)
She was certainly glad that I did not die that day, but she was pissed that I violated the safety protocol, regardless of the fact that, legally, the "hinky driver" was "at fault." She was particularly pissed that I had tried to initially "mislead" her. (She was very clear: I intentionally "lied" to her. There was no "near miss" in any possibly meaning of that phrase).
However, what she was most livid about was my twice, repeatedly, making "false vows" during two of our Sunday morning "devotionals." I had twice falsely vowed I would always be "fully open and honest" in our interactions; twice falsely vowed I would always "fully and timely disclose any possible transgressions, to best help her help me."
Anyway, end results: Four weeks grounding; Four Friday night canings with the Delrin 3/8" reformatory cane, 18 strokes each night; Four Friday night strappings, after and "on top" of her cane work, 36 strokes each night. (That is, one week grounding, one caning session, and one strapping session for each of the four violations: Safety Protocol; Lying; Twice making false vows. (I'm certainly glad I "confessed" before she "confronted" me.)
We finished up late last night.
I have certainly been riding much more "gingerly," safely and professionally, since she initiated my punishment.
I'm glad you escaped without more injury to yourself or the bike. So many car drivers are idiots, and I too probably place too much faith in my ability to foresee them doing something stupid and/or accelerate my way out of it.
DeleteI don't disagree your wife was right to take the dishonesty seriously, though I also get why you didn't initially fess up to the seriousness of the incident. I don't tell my wife about most "close calls," as she's not a motorcyclist and tends to see way more danger in the world around her than I do. I don't want to elevate her concern level when my hobbies sometimes go awry. When something went wrong on a recent motorcycle trip (not the injury I sustained and am currently dealing with -- something on TOP of that), I gave her the gist at the time but didn't tell her the whole thing for several days and until the trip was over, because I didn't want her worrying about or overreacting to it,
Anne has never punished me weekly for an entire month. I'm sure that adds a whole new element, when the bad act is far in the rearview mirror but the consequences will be coming for some time to come.
"[I'm] never punished me weekly for an entire month."
DeleteWell, my wife felt very strongly that each of those transgressions deserved a severe punishment. If it's going to be a serious caning, the total number cuts at any one time really must be limited, plus you need some serious recovery after each session.
My wive felt seven days between sessions was adequate. Any less might have led to "over-accumulated" damage.
Hi Dan,
ReplyDeleteI certainly don't have time to post this week, but I am just reposting what I wrote several years ago about my "origin" story.
I will start with spanking because it far pre-dated DD for me. I can't say when spanking first hit my radar screen, it was just kind of there from the beginning. I was spanked from time to time as a child, though I don't think it was all that severe. I remember in junior high having a morbid fascination with the principal's office and the paddlings that I heard about, but I was the good kid that could never bring myself to cross the line far enough to experience that.
As a teen, I remember reading a story in Penthouse about a guy getting spanked by his girlfriend and going to a party with a paddle hanging from his waist so her friends could give him swats. It was pretty bad fiction, but it hit me like a lightning bolt. It was the first time I ever though of spanking as being sexual. After that, the feelings only intensified, though I didn't get a chance to experience it for a number of years.
I tried to introduce it to my first wife, but she wasn't receptive at all. She came from a very conservative background, where sex was at best a necessary evil. I think she tried, but anything the least bit kinky just felt too dirty to her. I now recognize that even though it seemed at the time like my unmet “need” for spanking put stress on the relationship, in reality the relationship was never built on solid footings of trust, openness, and genuine partnership. It is entirely possible that had those other fundamentals been more manifest in our relationship, she might have been more able to spank me.
Through the years, I realized that what I really desire and need are enforced boundaries and accountability, without which I feel somehow like life is spinning out of control. Again, my wife couldn't help much; she couldn't understand why I couldn't just get my act together and be self-disciplined, and she assumed it was all just an attempt to get her to spank me, which it probably was to some degree.
After my marriage ended, I met up several times with a college student about 25 years younger than me, and there I first experienced real spankings. Interestingly enough, our meetings weren't sexual. She was just curious and wanting to try things, and maybe take out some repressed resentment towards guys on me. She spanked me hard and long, but it wasn't all that satisfying. I learned that it wasn't just spanking I was after, but also that it must be in the context of relationship, given by someone that I love and who loves me.
This leads me to meeting the love of my life and soulmate. Our marriage is a blessing in every way. I love her so deeply and we have a great partnership that I couldn't have even dreamed of or imagined before. We are so natural together, and openness just comes easy. After we started dating, I told her rather early about my desires/needs, and she was open to it, even though this was all entirely new to her.
Over the past few years with her, and in no small part due to this blog, I continue to learn more about myself and these wants and needs with which I have struggled my whole life. While I am still a spanko, I now view spanking as just being one tool to exert control and to encourage behavioral change. I now know other non-spanking punishments and humiliations are probably at least as effective.
I am truly in heaven right now, because even as we are still learning and probably have a long way to go in terms of consistency and getting it right, we are doing it TOGETHER! Not only is DD not pushing us apart, but in fact it is bringing us ever closer together in every way.
-ZM
"She came from a very conservative background, where sex was at best a necessary evil. I think she tried, but anything the least bit kinky just felt too dirty to her."
DeleteIt's probably because we are coming up on an election and, as usual, you have one side trying to ram their religious agenda down everyone's throats--and now with this weird-ass "natalist" agenda on top of the sexual morality posturing--but it's had me thinking more and more about my own religious conditioning and how shit I had crammed into my head 40 or 50 years ago still conditions me today. I'm not sure where it's going to lead, but I'm pretty much over the church that tolerated pedophiles worldwide, and still covers for them today, driving public policy around sex.
Hi Dan,
ReplyDeleteI felt bad about missing last week, as I thought it was a great topic! It seemed pointless to post there at this point, so I am doing so here. Hopefully that is ok.
"To what extent has she pushed that authority in ways you found difficult or embarrassing at the time?" - She really hasn't very much. She has told people about our relationship, but not while I was present. And she has threatened to say things in front of people when I am present, but so far that hasn't happened. Having said that, she has done plenty of things that are embarrassing when it has just been us two, but I am pretty easily embarrassed by lots of things, I guess!
"To what extent do you want her to push those situational boundaries in a way that you might find really difficult?" - I am pretty sure that I want her to talk more openly in front of others, but that is partly because she hasn't done so, so maybe I will feel differently if and when she does.
"If you plow through Julie’s story, are there particular scenarios you think would challenge you the most?" - For me, it would be the parts involving family. Public things, while they might feel very embarrassing at the time, probably would not seem very embarrassing after the fact, unless it was memorialized on video or something. Otherwise, no matter how public the place is (like a mall), I don't know the people, they don't know me, and I will probably never see them again, so I really don't care what they think. Family is the complete opposite of that, since family is basically forever. But honestly, I think it would be harder for me to be spanked in front of 1 or 2 of my wife's friends that I know personally than in front of hundreds of strangers.
"Would you actually refuse to cooperate with a spanking-related decision made by your wife, or is it really anywhere, anytime, for any reason? In practice as well as in theory?" - I might struggle with it somewhat, but if she initiates it, I am absolutely certain that I would go along with it, no matter what it was.
By the way, I just can't get over how well "got inside the heads" of both the wife and the husband in this story. And I loved the twist that the wife had found things letting her know that he wanted a relationship like this, but that she didn't tell him she knew and just kind of ran with it to make it very real.
-ZM
No problem at all bringing last week's topic forward. I'm fine with anyone doing that.
DeleteYeah, I thought the AI was incredibly repetitive and had a tendency to beat the same point to death over and over. But, I thought it's move of having the wife discover her husband's tendencies then NOT confront him with them but, instead, use them to foster a relationship that seemed actually push some "consent" boundaries was very interesting and unexpected.
Like many of you, I grew up where spanking was incredibly common. The 80s and 90s in semi-rural Appalachia saw spanking as perfectly common. When I was young I was spanked on occasion by parents, grandparents, aunts, friends Moms, and at least one trusted babysitter. The first couple years I was in school the paddle was still used as well. Kids would joke about butt whippin’ and compare stories. No taboo around the subject for sure.
ReplyDeleteAll that time… I really hated it. I would try to avoid a spanking or getting in trouble at all costs. But they worked… well. However, I always found them fascinating. I liked to hear other kids talk about them, and hearing a lady threaten a spanking was always memorable. Then the internet came along, it became easier to find pictures and stories, and at some point I learned to become ashamed of how much I thought about it. In some way I thought I needed that sort of discipline to keep myself in control.
My wife knew I was interested in that sort of thing before we were married, but I think now she thought it was a sexual kink interest at the time. We had talked about it a little, but I would always be mortified and she would be angry when she found pictures or books of stories I had bought. We couldn’t put two and two together. And I still was having a hard time getting my own rowdy behavior in control. This was in a marriage of about 15 years…
After a recent rough patch, we were looking to improve our relationship. During some intimacy she smacked me on the behind and I said something along the lines of we could separate the two and she could do that when I acted up… within a few days she said she was researching doing just that. In a leap of courage, I suggested a how to book on F/M spanking. She really launched in, asking questions and trying to understand the process and procedures. I was shocked she had no questions about the why… that she understood! I was her naughty, rowdy boy and she was going to take care of me and get me in line.
It has only been 5 months, but we are firmly into a F/M DD relationship, and she will tell you it should have been this way years ago. I’ll let her add her perspective if she wishes.
If you will excuse me, I didn’t take my medication and supplements this morning, and she has decided forgetting my health and wellbeing counts as poor behavior. I’m in for a warm behind.
P. S.- I STILL hate being spanked while it is happening. I just really like feeling taken care off. Best.
TE
My childhood experience sounds a lot like yours, though I don't remember kids joking or comparing stories. I think there was a fair amount of embarrassment about it, even though pretty much everyone got them.
Delete"And I still was having a hard time getting my own rowdy behavior in control. This was in a marriage of about 15 years…"
We were more than a decade in when we started DD, and I had plenty of rowdiness in me at that time.
"I was shocked she had no questions about the why… that she understood! I was her naughty, rowdy boy and she was going to take care of me and get me in line."
That definitely is surprising. Although I think Anne gets her "why," i.e. what she gets out of it, I think to this day she doesn't fully get why any man would want this.
AE here! I’m not sure I fully understand why, but I also know that I don’t have to for DD to work for us. All I really needed was to trust him when he said he was interested in exploring what DD could do for our marriage. Before we started, I could always sense after a disagreement when he felt like my response didn’t mirror his expectation - a lingering feeling that he was both chasing something and fighting some kind of internal battle. Now that that the expectations and response are both very clear to both of us, it’s easier for us to move on after a disagreement.
DeleteLike TE mentioned, there had been times when I’d found images or stories that I’d gotten upset. Because we hadn’t gotten to the point where we’d openly discussed DD, my mind went directly to the idea that whatever he was looking for was something outside of me/our marriage. It never occurred to me that it was something he wanted for us. Reframing that in my mind really changed the way I was willing to approach the conversation.
One of the books I found helpful was “Spanking the Male Mind.” I can’t find a link for it currently but partnered with the second book “How to Spank Your Man” there were enough stories for me to say “I’d be comfortable with that” or “there’s no way” - we were able to have some very frank conversations up front about ideals and boundaries from those stories.
"Like TE mentioned, there had been times when I’d found images or stories that I’d gotten upset. Because we hadn’t gotten to the point where we’d openly discussed DD, my mind went directly to the idea that whatever he was looking for was something outside of me/our marriage."
DeleteThat's a really good point. I can see how any spouse would be threatened if they saw something that might suggest he/she was looking outside the marriage for something they weren't getting within it. It's a good reason for both spouses to communicate proactively and openly, even if it can be more than a little embarrassing.
Yeah, there's just not many books out there that deal with the practicalities of how to do F/m DD spanking or DD relationships, which may be why the DWC became such a thing. It didn't have much real competition. I can't say I've found any books I'm wild about, as many are more Femdom or FLR oriented than we are. The closest I've come is probably some of Rebecca Lawson's books, including her The Good Wife's Guide to Taking Charge or her Big Ass Book of Strict Wives Tales. For some reason, my wife really gravitated to The Hesitant Mistress, which surprised me since it is FLR-oriented to the point that it arguably drifts over into Femdom. That's never been where we are, but she thought something about it helped her better understand why a man would want this kind of relationship.
It’s amazing to me how common it was in the 80’s and 90’s and is taboo today. We also used to joke as kids about the whuppin I took last night. It was a normal conversation amongst us kids. I remember watching kids come back from the principals office still in tears from the paddling they received. After one period, they would be back to normal, saying it really didn’t hurt that bad (wink wink). The internet was a game changer for all and especially as everyone agrees the DWC. I hope you are able to get it up and running properly. I also didn’t get a chance to comment on religion above. I agree with Dan’s statement about how the church protected all these pedophiles over the years. I for one lost my faith in church decades ago. They continue to spout lies and cover up for abuses all over the world. It’s a tragic shame what so many of these kids had to go through. That is only the tip of the iceberg as Hollywood has had its major share of the same type of pedophilia and sexual abuse running rampant forever. Supposedly P Diddy was the Epstein of Hollywood. We will see as it moves through the courts. Finally, I think that my wife, like Ann still can’t fathom why I want to be thrashed like we do as well. I ask myself that from time to time as they are occurring as well.
DeleteT
I definitely remember watching kids going to and from the principal's office. Sometimes teachers also took kids out into the hall and spanked them. What I don't remember is people talking about. Yet, maybe they did. I do remember the details of one my friends. His parents owned a western wear store, and his dad would make the kids choose a belt from the rack and bring it back to an office in the back, where he spanked them with it. All of us knew about it, so I must have gotten those details somewhere. But, again, the *adults* were so open about it that it's very possible they were the ones talking about the details.
DeleteOne of the books I found helpful was “Spanking the Male Mind.” I can’t find a link for it currently but partnered with the second book “How to Spank Your Man” there were enough stories for me to say “I’d be comfortable with that” or “there’s no way” - we were able to have some very frank conversations up front about ideals and boundaries from those stories.
ReplyDeleteDoes anybody have link or copy of " how to spank your man" ?
One resource for those who are a little more FLR-oriented is this blog, which appears in my blogroll, though it hasn't been updated in 5 years. https://learningandlivingaflr.blogspot.com/
DeleteIt's written by a younger woman in a new-ish FLR relationship. We eventually made contact with each other and became friends IRL. I can vouch that she's in a real DD-FLR relationship, and writes thoughtfully about its positives and its challenges. But, it's not going to give a lot of the mechanics around how to spank.
I looked again this morning and found the email copy but can’t find the website which I used as recently as June. It was authored by Monica Wilder - the email I have is books@wilderstreetpublishing.com
DeleteGreetings to:
Delete"Anonymous" September 22, 2024 at 7:57 AM; and,
"Anonymous" September 22, 2024 at 10:04 AM.
First off, please include a pseudonym or set of initials with your comments here in the blog. We all like to identify one another, so everyone can follow your particular conversions, know who to address, and who to respond to.
My wife and I totally agree with Dan and his wife Ann that the "The Hesitant Mistress" (2013) by Dvanna Hightower is an excellent introductory book. As Dan notes, much of the (later parts of) book are quite D/s oriented, but "soft D/s"; no "Whips and Chains", no "Mistress and Slave" activity suggested or condoned.) However, despite it being "soft D/s," the first two sections are an excellent introduction for women about the fundamental nature of F/m power-exchange relationships, as well as how women can access and express the naturally dominant tendencies that apparently reside in all women, regardless of their outer presentation in every day life:
"Section 1 - Introduction: "[What] you are reading now, explains more about what it means to be a female dominant with a male submissive. (It’s not as strange as you might think!);" and;
"Section 2 - Gaining Confidence: [R]aising your self-esteem and
assertiveness in everyday situations and your romantic relationship. You may grow from shy mouse to human being. (There’s no need to become a roaring lion.)"
My wife bought this book about ten years after we began our own DW/DD relationship. Paraphrasing her comment after first reading the book: "Why didn't anybody tell me this stuff before! There's no reason to be constantly 'reinventing the wheel'."
"The Hesitant Mistress" is available in both electronic (ePub, PDF, Kindle) and softcover formats at many vendors. There are many "lightly used" softcover versions at reasonable prices. (If you are creative using Google, you might even find a FREE PDF copy somewhere.)
"THE TEA PARTY: Conversations with Women Who Spank Men" (2010), edited by Monica Wilder.
DeleteContents: A sixty-five page book of soliloquies by, and conversations between, many different women about how they spank their men, particularly how the feel about the experiences. Also includes a limited number of accounts by men who describe their female disciplinarians and how those women act and feel about being their disciplinarians
---------------------------------
"Spanking the Male Mind, and loving the man. (The Savvy Woman’s Guide to Understanding Domestic Discipline.)" (2007), by Miss Francy.
Contents: A seventy-six page book. The (complete) title is an accurate description of the contents.
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"How To Spank Your Man. (The Nice Girl’s Fully Illustrated Guide to Keeping Her Guy Happy.)" (2008), by Miss Francy.
Contents: The complete "smorgasbord" of possible reasons and methods of spanking men. While there are certainly some sections that deal with DD, there are many more sections that deal with "erotic spanking scenarios," as illustrated by these "snippets" from the book's table of contents:
"Chapter 1: Why spank my man? . . . Relaxation; Sexy Fun; Real Reasons A; Real Reasons B; . . ."
"Chapter 2: WHEN do we do it? . . . Surprise, Surprise; Foreplay; To Let off Your Own Steam; Even up the Score; Clear the Slate; Vicious Circle; For the Heck of It; Random Acts of Kindness; . . ."
"Chapter 4: WHO am I and What do I WEAR? . . . The Gal Next Door; The Retro Wife; The Boss Lady; The Sexy Secretary; The Medical Professional; The Dominatrix-Lite; . . ."
---------------------------------
All of these books were published by "Wilder Street Publishing" in electronic (PDF) format. The company still has a website, but no one will respond to queries at the publishers email address, nor fulfill paid order. Basically, the company appears to be defunct, for at least the past four years.
My wife sent me on one of her "chivalrous quests" to track down these three books. That was three years ago. After many long attempts to otherwise contact "Monica Wilder," "Miss Francy," and a few of the original "reviewers" listed on the website (through academic and professional associations), I concluded it is, and will remain, impossible to obtain these titles from the publisher. They are NOT offered through any other vendors.
I did locate two other people who had copies of these works. One of these persons was willing, considering the overall circumstances, to "loan" me electronic duplicates of the three books.
I personally do NOT want to get into "reloaning" electronic copies to other people. I'm certain Dan does not want to become a "clearing house" for exchanging email addresses to facilitate such "electronic loans."
Thus, we have a conundrum.
Maybe, just maybe, someone has/will find the time to upload copies to the Internet Archive's collection of deceased publishers' books. I will personally search there, and then let you know if anything appears in the next week or two. Who knows: We all might get lucky!
The "Google SPAM Monster" at my last comment re the "Wilder Street Publishing" books: How to Spank your Man; Spanking the Male Mind; Women's Tea Party.
DeleteCan you fish those out of the Google's cesspool?
the biggest thing I can say about my origin story is that getting spanked for disicpline under my wifes authority saved my marriage.
ReplyDeletewe were in a 2 year rough spot with constant fighting and bickering. We did not have any defined roles and I thought at the time I was
in charge because I was the man and I would let my ego and pride get in the way of a lot of arguments. My wife would try and address issues
related to my behavior, attitude, effort in the relationship etc and it would always end in long fights followed by weeks or even months of
unresolved conflict before I would realize she was right and I was wrong. Sometimes I would apologize but not always. In one conversation where
I had apoligized and admitted my wife was right way after the fact (for the nth time) my wife brought up in a generalized way wanting to have a way
to hold me accountable or a way to find resolution in the moment. That got me to looking around on the internet and eventually to FLRs and ultimately
domestic discipline within that relationship dynamic. It intrigued me and I was at a point I wanted her to have power and agency in the relationship
and the ability to hold me accountable. I brought it up to her and she was open minded and after a few arguments she spanked me and she liked it but it kind of fell
off for a couple more years. I had liked it too for its resolution and it worked real well in checking my ego. I had almost forgotten about it when one night, we had ben arguing frequently again, after I had lied to her about something dumb
she said she had had enough and told me I was going to be spanked with the belt for my behavior. Something about how she spoke to me that night was very different
than previously. I could tell she was very frustrated and dissapointed but I also saw a resolve in her eyes, a resolve to address and correct my behavior. She very
sternly marched me upstairs to our room and instead of arguing I just followed. I didn't want to make her more upset but I also knew I both needed and deserved the
spanking I was about to get. She proceeded to give me a very serious scolding and bare bottom belting over the bed I still remember vividly. It was the worst spanking
and punishment I had gotten to date, and that is including from my parents growing up. I remember feeling terrible for driving my wife to that level of frustration and
for needing to be spanked. Over the next few weeks I was spanked a lot. I could tell this time my wife realized she got something out of it, she liked my remorseful attitude
after being disciplined. I got spanked so much I thought I couildn't do anything right. Eventually we had a conversation and basically formalized the dynamic that my wife
would be the head of household and the authority in the marriage and she would have the ability to discipline me with spankings whenever she felt I needed one. For her, it was
the only way things would work going forward. Well over time, in particular, the first year, she was strict and leaned on discipline as a tool but after that first year things in the relationship
got sooo much better. We are like best friends most of the time and our relationship is the best it has ever been. She has also vented out all that initial frustration but is
still strict and disciplines me when I need it but because of the authority she has and the ability to hold me accountable, the slate is wiped clean after being spanked and we are both
back to normnal immediately after. I dont get spanked as frequently as I did out the gate initially but I am better behaved now. A lot of my wifes bigger issues have been permanently addressed
I still get spanked for a bad attitude, anything she finds disrespectful, lying and any other behavior issue. One thing that kind of evolved with her role as the authority in the marriage
is disobedience got added on later when she fully realized she is in charge and how effective disciplining me is. Now if I do something she has told me not to or dont do something
she told me to do I can expect to be spanked for that too.
- DD
Hi DD. This is great. Would you mind also reposting it as a comment to my most recent post? People frequently don't go back and check posts that are even a week old, and I'd like to make sure they see yours.
DeleteOne idea for a blog topic could be "when did you realize she had fully embraced her authority?". Another could be, "are you getting the level of DD that you desire?"
ReplyDeleteAlso, "do you feel she is doing this because she knows you need it, or does she get something out of it for herself as well?" I remember Dan saying that his wife gets antsy if she hasn't spanked him in a few weeks, so she obviously enjoys doing it.