The Club - Meeting 492 - Disciplinary Spanking Rationales: Does the "Why" Change the "How" or the "How Much"?

"Why slap them on the wrist with a feather when you can belt them over the head with a sledgehammer?" – Katherine Hepburn

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly meeting of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led (FLR) relationships.

 

Once again, before we get started, I would like to thank the female commenters who have recently joined us and to extend an invitation to all others who may be inclined to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We like having you around.

 

I hope you all had a good week. Mine had its ups and downs.  I’ve had a lot of quiet time at home, courtesy of Anne’s convalescence after her medical procedure.  I was actually feeling pretty proud of myself, having used the near total downtime and lack of socializing to reverse a developing bad trend where diet and beers were concerned, including going totally dry for more than two weeks.  Then, I got some relief one day and, of course, what happened?  Socializing that led to bad food, too many beers, and a late night.

 

Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on one’s perspective, although Anne’s recovery is going well, we’re probably several weeks out from her being able to take me in hand again. 

 

In the meantime . . . on all the other days at home, when I wasn’t over-indulging, I got good and bored and decided to check out the topics and comments from the earliest days of this blog.  I’ve thought a few times about trying to compile the best of the thousands of comments to date into a topically arranged book.  We’ll see whether I actually get around to that, but I did go through about two years’ worth of topics and comments. 

 

It was interesting watching the blog’s development with the benefit of hindsight.  For the first several months, almost everyone was commenting anonymously without using names or initials.  Yet, I was able to quickly identify a few commenters who are still with us today or were until recently.  I’m pretty sure Al (or al.) gets the award for the earliest comment, but Alan was very close behind.  So, thank you guys for sticking with us for so, so long.

 

I’ve also known there were periods when we had more female commenters, but I was a little surprised at just how many we had early on. Or, at least we had quite a few claiming to be women.  Men pretending to be female disciplinarians has been a problem from the beginning.  Honestly, reading through the early entry reminded me how betrayed I felt the first time I had spent months engaging with a “couple” was were eventually revealed to be a male writing under multiple names and assumed genders.

 

Still, I have no doubt that many of putative female commenters were what they claimed. What struck me on this reading was that many of the female commenters seemed pretty far along the spectrum from DD to FLR. Maybe that was because in those early days the blog’s philosophy hadn’t quite gelled and it drew from a wider spectrum of the kink community?  

 

I have believed for a long time that our wives are often turned off by the whole whips and chains Femdom thing, and I still think that is largely true. But, the vibe from several of the early female commenters, as well as some later ones such as “Danielle,” was far enough along the FLR spectrum that I wonder whether I’ve been drawing the line in the wrong place.  Something to think about . . .

 

I was a little surprised by the quality of last week’s discussion.  I had treated it as a mere placeholder, seeking new topic ideas and continuing a discussion of our respective DD origins.  Yet, we ended up with a wide-ranging discussion of origins, face slapping, mercy and its lack, spanking duration, humbling, the terms we use for corporal punishment (spanking, thrashing, etc.), and spanking severity, among others.  We covered a lot of ground for a post with no actual topic. Good job everyone.

 

Unfortunately, I was hoping for a flood of new topic suggestions but instead got a small trickle.  I’m still not experiencing a lot of inspiration, so please serve up other ideas.  In the meantime, I’m going to try to stitch together a couple of suggestions that seem to me to be closely related. 

 

The first articulation came from Tom:

 

“I'm curious whether wives have a set method of punishment or vary it depending on the offense, or just their mood. I have had impromptu spankings where the scolding, punishment, and after-spanking warnings were all over in less than 15 minutes, and of course mostly much longer ones. Almost all are over the knee with a hairbrush, but my wife will add on a switching if a switch is available. I have occasionally had my face slapped for being too slow to cooperate or for responding disrespectfully to an order to get ready.”

 

Donn offered a somewhat different formulation, but I think that it’s still closely related to Tom’s topic to the extent Tom’s focused on the reason for the spanking (“depending on the offense, or just their mood”), and how the wife’s reason or motivation might lead to differences in the way the punishment is carried out.

 

 Here's how Donn formulated the possible topic:

 

 "Several writers have somewhat alluded to this question, but maybe an explicit rephrasing might make a subject for future discussion:

 

Thrashings can be administered for: (1) Punishment towards behavior modification (including overt expressions of mood/general attitude); (2) Inducing and getting expressions of subjugation, submission and respect for wife's authority; or (3) Combinations of both.

 

Do members get all of these kinds of thrashings? More some than others? How does your wife accomplish the "subjugation to surrender" thrashings, and how well do they work, for both husband and wife?"

 

I see where Donn was going, though I do see his three options as more narrow than the actual range of rationales couples have for delivering and receiving “real” spankings.  His first category, behavior modification, is obviously a biggie. 

 

His second category emphasizes bringing about a state of overt submission to her authority, which may or may not be a thing for all our respective couples.  There also is a flip-side to it, i.e. giving her an outlet to express and reinforce her authority or place in the hierarchy.  I think of the two together as “role affirmation/enforcement.”  

 

 Miss E also liked Donn’s formulation but proposed a significant expansion, i.e. stress reduction:

 

“I like the topic as you proposed it Donn. Another aspect to a spanking which could be discussed it whether or not anyone uses them as purely for anxiety/stress relievers. I’d been toying around with the idea and last night I decided to actually give it a try. Pregnancy has had its challenges these past few months and yesterday was a mentally taxing day. Up until this point I have always only spanked for a deserving reason and punishment. But I was so stressed last night I felt I just needed something to hold on to, his submission. So I asked him if I could spank him and made it clear it was not a punishment but something for me. He immediately said yes and was so sweetly submissive before it even began. The entire spanking was slow and intimate but we did build up to a nice intensity and he handled it. I’m asking him tonight but I suspect he was sinking closer to subspace with this one vs a punishment spanking. Regardless it was a nice and needed experience.”

 

 

I’m glad she brought that particular scenario--in which it is the wife's stress that gets relieved--up for discussion because, while various commenters have discussed scenarios in which spankings are used for relief of the spankee’s stress or anxiety, we haven’t really discussed using spankings to alleviate the spanker’s stress or anxiety, other than the obvious case where it is the spankee’s behavior that caused it.  

 

There are, of course, other rationales that might impact the way a spanking is delivered. For example there are “preemptive” or “preventative” spankings that are more about preventing bad behavior than punishing it. Those too are usually postured as being for his benefit but could also have psychological/stress relieving aspects for her as well.

 

So, of the rationales Tom, Donn, Miss E. and I brought up, which result in spankings in your household?  To Tom’s question, does the rationale for the spanking, or her mood regarding it, affect the method of punishment or the way it is carried out?

 

 

In our house, virtually all spankings are aimed more or less directly at punishing or, much more rarely, preventing particular behavior.  While spankings do reflect and reinforce her authority, and do lead me to a deeper acceptance of that authority, I can’t think of an instance in which she’s given one specifically for those purposes.

 

As for Tom’s question, Anne is remarkably binary when it comes to severity and duration.  She’s either on or off, with very little variation regardless of the nature or severity of the offense. 

 

The one aspect that does change a bit, and has changed fairly substantially over the last year, is any accompanying scolding.   

 

 

There is almost always some kind of lecture, but it’s often very proforma and perfunctory.  In the last couple of years, however, she has become more comfortable cutting loose with more passion when she’ really angry about something.  However, I don’t think the heightened anger and more severe scolding result in the intensity of the spanking or the punishment method changing.

 

I hope you all have a great week.

Continuing Discussion of "Origins," Plus New Topic Ideas?

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly meeting of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led (FLR) relationships.

Once again, before we get started, I would like to thank the female commenters who have recently joined us and to extend a specific invitation to all others who may be inclined to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We like having you around.

 

I hope you all had a great week.  Ours was about as hectic as it could get.  Anne is convalescing from the procedure I alluded to last week, and it’s going to be a multi-week—multi-month, really—grind. We spent this week trying to get settled into some semblance of a routine.  I do think we have it a little more under control than I worried might be the case at this point in the process.

 

It's a tough time of year to be confined to our house.  We had “grounding” as a topic a few weeks ago, and I now have a good sense of what it probably would feel like as an adult.  It’s going to get harder.  Where we live, from year to year September can feel like either an extension of summer, or a prelude to autumn.

 

 Until last week, summer was hanging in strong and, since it’s not my favorite season, I didn’t feel like I was missing that much being cooped up in a hospital room and then in our house.  But, yesterday we got a change in the weather that felt decidedly like autumn is coming.  As our long-term visitors here know, autumn is by far my favorite season, culminating with Halloween.  It's going to be rough being indoors for a lot of the season. But, such is life.

 

I thought we had a great discussion last week.  Thanks to all of you who shared your origin story.  If there is one big takeaway from the discussion, to me it is “nothing ventured, nothing gained.”  Most of the relationships began with a man finding the courage to overcome his embarrassment and talk to his wife honestly about his Domestic Discipline needs, and a wife who was open enough to give it a try even if they didn’t fully understand the “why” part.  Like many of the men, whatever regret I have about bringing DD to Anne's attention is the one I hoped to have from the very beginning, namely that she would take it up with determination and make me experience some of the natural regret that comes with being subject to someone's hard discipline.

My only regret about my own origin story is that it didn’t happen earlier in our marriage, though I don’t know whether either of us would have been open to it. Things happen when they happen.  For me, the challenge is making sure I am open to growing it in different directions, knowing that I may not know when and how such opportunities will arise.  I hope I’m more open to having an unconventional life in the second half of my life than I was in the first, regardless of who knows about it or what they may think.

 

 

Unfortunately, things have been so hectic this week, I haven’t had time to think about an actual topic. If something pops into my head, I might post later in the week.  But, in the meantime, let’s do a couple of things.

 

First. if you haven’t had a chance to talk about your own origins story, let’s please keep that conversation going.  Go ahead and do it as a comment on this post, so people don’t have to navigate back to last week’s.

 

Second, since I’m once again not doing so well at generating new ideas, please give me suggestions for topics you might want to talk about.

 

Have a great week.

The Club - Meeting 490 - Origin Stories

“There are moments when one has to choose between living one's own life, fully, entirely, completely-or dragging out some false, shallow, degrading existence that the world in its hypocrisy demands.” – Oscar Wilde

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly meeting of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led (FLR) relationships.

 

Once again, before we get started, I would like to thank the female commenters who have recently joined us and to extend a specific invitation to all others who may be inclined to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We like having you around. 

 

I hope you all had a good week. Ours has been pretty painful, literally and figuratively.  This was the week that a lot of the medical stuff I referred to a few posts ago really came to a head, at least with respect to Anne's issues.  So far, so good for the most part, but I expect the next several weeks to be pretty bumpy, so I’m going to be playing blog posting by ear.

 

The one clear impact of the medical drama is that, coming on top of what had already been a substantial lull, this period likely will go down as our longest hiatus from domestic discipline since we started almost 20 years ago.

 

On the one hand, that is an obvious downer.  On the other hand, maybe it gives us an opportunity to break out of the old patterns and lift ourselves out of the established ruts, possibly allowing us to set up a deeper, broader dynamic once recovery schedules allow.

 

 

In the short term, it does mean I may need to recycle some content on the blog; more so than I generally like doing.  As I was pondering that, it occurred to me that we do have several new regular participants including, for the first time in a while, multiple Disciplinary Wives.

 

While we old-timers all know each other’s “origin” stories, i.e. how we found ourselves in these unconventional relationships, some of the newer folks haven’t shared theirs.

 

So, let’s do that.  Although many have probably pieced together mine, or read it all in an older post, it has been a few years since I did a full post on origins.  So, I’ll kick it off, relying mostly on some previous posts but adding or changing where I’ve gotten new or deeper insights.  I hope some of the old-timers will join me in telling their stories, even if they've done so before.

 

I grew up in the heart of the Bible Belt, which also seems to have been the heart of the “spanking belt.”  However, despite the fact that corporal punishment was pervasive both at school and in most homes, I don’t recall getting it a lot myself.  It probably happened more than I have specific memories of, though that goes to show that while it was all around me growing up, it wasn't something that got a lot of conscious mind share. 

 

My mother had a forceful personality, but as I got older she became increasingly erratic when it came to parenting. My stepfather was a hyper-masculine force of nature but also very anti-authoritarian.  When I was in high school, he told me that his basic approach to rules was that he wasn’t going to lay down any as long as whatever trouble I got myself into was something I got myself out of.

 

The result of their parenting styles—hers erratic and his almost entirely “hands-off”—is that I grew up with few real boundaries and none that were really enforced. 

 

At the time, I thought that was a teenager’s wet dream.  I’ve now come to appreciate, however, how much pressure it imposed, being given carte blanche to get myself into trouble but knowing I had to get myself out of it. (I’ve come to believe that teenagers, especially high energy ones with a proclivity for risk taking, need enforced boundaries.)  

 

And, on basic good behavior things around the home, there was certainly nothing like this going on:

While I can speculate about why my not-very-rigorous disciplinary background developed into a fascination with the idea of imposed boundaries and power dynamics later in life, it really is just speculation.   

 

All I know for sure is that, unlike most of the husbands who come to this blog, I did not have any early interest in spanking, let alone any fetish-like fascination with it. 

 

In fact, from at least high school through the first decade of marriage, I don’t recall thinking about it at all.

 

Yet, it's also true that I always had a thing for older women.  With the benefit of hindsight, I now think it probably was strong female authority I was gravitating to, rather than a pure age thing. Though that wasn't something I understood at the time, had any of the older women (teachers, principals, friend's mothers) I crushed on tried to impose their authority on me in more forceful ways, been into it, I don't have much doubt that I would have given into it.

 

 

But alas, such an early introduction to female authority expressed in a disciplinary fashion never happened.

 

Anne was not older than me and didn't have that air of maternal authority when we met.

 

While we were never what I would consider repressed, our first decade of married life was pretty conventional.  Overall, we had a good relationship, but it was not particularly well-balanced.  I had always been more than a little, shall we say, “Type A,” with an intense personality.  I also was prone to doing everything—both positive things and negative things—to excess. 

 

When my wife and I first met, she probably found that brashness attractive. But, I doubt she envisioned that, ten years later, very little would have changed.

 

Anne was less brash and bold than I was, and probably more emotionally well-balanced, but I think it's fair to say she had trouble asserting herself.  She was raised in a very traditional, male dominated family.  Her dad worked, her mom raised the family, and there was little overlap between those roles. When they argued, which was fairly frequently, she pouted and gave him the silent treatment, and he slept on the couch for a few nights.  Anne admits that she brought some of those same dispute resolution mechanisms to our marriage.

   

My intensity and her lack of self-assurance did not create a good balance.  And, while we weren't unhappy, neither of us was living up to our potential either.  Thanks to my temperament and anti-authoritarian tendencies, I had a tendency to "step on my own dick."  And, as much as I may have thought I liked having no rules growing up, I was now in my late thirties and still feeling out of control and sometimes overwhelmed with the responsibility of making too many decisions.

 

My wife, on the other hand, was not developing into all she could be.  Despite accumulating degrees and professional accomplishments, she still had a hard time taking charge.  She also had her mom’s tendency to pout and flounce instead of taking me head on when my excesses became, well, excessive.

 

Then, seemingly out of the blue, something happened to shake up that thoroughly conventional, yet thoroughly dysfunctional, dynamic.

 

Although I didn’t have wide-ranging experience, I had always been pretty erotically-oriented and open to learning about various kinks. I had become a fan of an HBO series called “Real Sex,” which explored all sorts of kinky lifestyles.  They devoted one segment to adult erotic spanking, featuring a couple spanking each other with leather paddles and a riding crop.  It turned me on; not extraordinarily so but enough that I had Anne watch it.

 

She had zero interest in being spanked but was happy to try it on me. So, a few days later I bought one of those flimsy leather paddles sold in adult “novelty” shops.

 

Although our experiments with erotic spanking were fun, it never went beyond a sort of “BDSM Lite” foreplay.  There were role play aspects, in which she would "punish" me for various real misdeeds.  After a few modest swats with the flimsy leather paddle, we would have sex.

 

The problem was, while the spankings were fake, the bad behavior was real.  Since the spankings merely stung a little, and it all ended in a nice orgasm, I essentially was being rewarded for bad behavior. 

 

She became concerned (rightly) that she was inadvertently reinforcing bad behavior and soon put an end to the whole thing.  That phase lasted for two or three months at most.

 

It didn't bother me that she had ended our spanking experiments. It hadn't been that big a thing for either of us.  But, I remained interested enough in it that I would read spanking stories when I found them in publications like Penthouse Variations, and I assume I was interested enough to look for Female-male spanking materials on-line.

 

I don’t recall exactly how I found it, but at some point I came across a link to the  Disciplinary Wives Club. Although I can’t remember exactly how I found it, I certainly do remember the effect it had on me.

 

It hit me like a sledgehammer. 

 

It was like no erotic reading experience I’ve had before or since, even though it was not, in fact, overtly sexual.  Sex was barely even mentioned.

 

Instead, the DWC advocated for real spankings, used in the context of real punishment, to correct real misbehavior. There also were sections offering tips and advice to aspiring disciplinary wives. Then and now, I think the advice from Aunt Kay to disciplinary wives that really hit me in the gut was:

 

A spanking should be an event to remember. Don't worry about how red his bottom gets. The more color you put into it, the better you are doing. Don't pay any attention to his cries and pleas and promises. He will tell you anything to get you to stop. Allow him to squirm within limits. If it gets out of hand, give him a smack or two on the back of his thighs. If you give a spanking the way it should be given, the results should still show a week later. He should wince every time he tries to sit for days after.

 

That advice served to emphasize how different DWC-style spankings were from the erotic foreplay we had been doing.  Moreover, it served as notice that a DWC-style spanking would only be both physically and psychologically painful, causing severe pain to both the bottom and the male ego.

 

Something about that affected me in ways I find hard to describe.  Looking back, I’m not sure it was the spanking per se that really got to me.  Rather, it was the prospect of giving up control—being forced to give up control--in a way I had not done in my entire life. 

 

The prospect of losing control to the point of sobbing over my wife's knee was disturbing on a level I can't really describe.  Yet, I found myself desperately wanting to tell Anne all about it.

 

 

I couldn’t get it out of my mind.  After two or three days of thinking of little else, I could not imagine NOT raising it.  The lure was just too strong, even if it made my male ego tremble.

 

So, less than a week after discovering the DWC website, I initiated a  discussion with Anne.  We were in bed, getting ready to go to sleep.  At least she was getting ready for sleep. I hadn’t slept well in three days.

 

The lights were off, which was good because I was so embarrassed that I don’t think I could have faced her with them on.  I began with something like, "I found this interesting website. . ." and explained the basic premise: Women taking control of their marriages, using real corporal punishment on their misbehaving husbands. 

 

She started to restate her position that our spanking games had reinforced my bad behavior, but I quickly stammered out that this was different.  These spankings were . . . real.

 

She didn’t say much as I stuttered my way through a description of the DWC philosophy, emphasizing the reality-based, severe spankings that empowered wives to take more control. I told her honestly how I felt that our relationship wasn’t balanced, and that maybe we needed something that would empower her to hold me more accountable and, frankly, take me down a peg or two.

 

When I was done, there was short pause, then she asked whether I was suggesting this as something I actually wanted to try. It was much like the wife’s reaction in the DWC fiction story Even More, which I later learned was authored by our long-time blog commenter “al.”  Like the character David in that story, I almost lost my nerve but finally told her the truth: the idea scared the hell out of me, had left me with butterflies in my stomach and little sleep in three days but, yes, I did want to try it. 

 

She listened quietly but intently, but that night she was noncommittal, saying only that she would take a look at the DWC website.  She's told me later that she did think it was more than a little weird.  I honestly thought she would just drop the whole thing and never follow up on checking out the DWC site.

 

Instead, she called me at the office the next day. After a few pleasantries, there was a pause and then, “Well . . . I visited that website.”

 

Gulp. 

 

"And, . . .?" I asked, tentatively.

 

Another pause, then just two words.  "Very interesting.”  

 

"Interesting?  . . .  What . . . what does that mean exactly?"  Words to that effect.  I was really on pins and needles and don't remember the exact words, only that they came out in an embarrassed, halting fashion.

 

"Well, I guess it means you need to buy me a nice, heavy wooden hairbrush on your way home from work tonight."

 

 

I don’t remember exactly what I said in response to that first DWC instruction.

 

What I do recall is walking around a mall for an hour, trying to find a good quality hairbrush. They aren’t easy to find these days.  I also recall the butterflies in my stomach, though that hardly describes it. Since all I really had to go on in imagining the spanking that was to come were the stories on the DWC website--the ones in which the husband always seemed to end up bawling--I was in a state of very high anxiety.  Yet, I also remember that over the course of the hour or more I spent going from shop to shop, I had a raging erection.

 

It was the strangest, most peculiar, most paradoxical mix of extreme arousal and equally extreme anxiety. 

 

When I got home, we sat at the kitchen table and talked through a set of rules.

 

First and foremost, she would control why, when, and how hard I was spanked.  While she would listen to my views, she would make the decisions. 

 

Second, she remained concerned that “play” spankings could reinforce bad behavior, so her spankings would be long, hard and, in short, "real" each and every time.

 

 

Despite all that, unlike the woman in the above captioned pic, I don't think either of us really understood just how profoundly the relationship might change if we really implemented this.

 

I mean, we kind of got it.  But, we didn't really get it.  Honestly, I think it's taken us twenty years of spankings and discussing spankings to get to where we both accept that I really do want a very substantial power shift.  

 

Instead, I think that when she said she found it "interesting," what she really meant was she found it intriguing as hell, particularly the prospect for being able to inflict some well-deserved payback for bad behavior. But, she also didn't quite believe I was serious or wouldn't back out.

It's odd that while I recall virtually everything leading up to that first spanking, I don't remember a lot about the main event.  I suspect that is because we followed a prescription that was iconic but resulted in a less-than-memorable spanking:  over-the-knee position with a hairbrush.

 

We graduated quickly to wooden paddles and leather straps, and she became a surprisingly determined spanker virtually right out of the gate.  I was shocked at how few reservations she had about really roasting my butt, almost from the very beginning.

 

Over the years of doing this blog, I've heard variations on that story many times.   We husbands are so concerned about how to broach the topic of Domestic Discipline but once we do, the wives take up the paddle or strap with surprisingly little diffidence or reluctance and are soon spanking like pros.

 

Over the years we have been doing Domestic Discipline, my wife has grown into a much stronger, confident woman with a voice all her own, and the relationship has gone beyond merely discipline.  Instead of just enforcing rules, she imposes them.  She sets boundaries for me and expects me to respect them.  

 

 

Twenty years after that first spanking, she’s still determined and intent on making her spankings hurt and hurt badly, every single time. 

 

So, how about you? For the husbands who initiated DD:

 

• When/how did your interest first arise?
• Howexactly did you approach your wife/partner?
• What did you say?
• How did you work up the courage? How long did it take you?
• What was her initial reaction? Did it change?
• How long until your first spanking? Was it all you expected it to be?

 

For wives whose husbands asked them to consider a DD relationship:

• How did your husband approach you?
• What was your initial reaction? Did it change?
• How did you decide to spank him?
• What was that first spanking like? How did you feel?

 

And, if you are one of those rare wives who initiated the DD relationship, please tell us all about it!

 

These “origin” posts always work better when the discussion is more than surface level, so please give as many details as you’re comfortable sharing.

 

Have a great week.

The Club - Meeting 489 - Spanking/Disciplinary Authority and Its Limits (If Any)

"Obedience of the law is demanded; not asked as a favor.” - Theodore Roosevelt

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly meeting of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led (FLR) relationships.

 

Once again, before we get started, I would like to thank the female commenters who have recently joined us and to extend a specific invitation to all others who may be inclined to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We like having you around.  

 

I decided to post a little early, since I took a full week off and have a lot going on this weekend. And, I miss the discussion.

 

I hope you all had a great week.  Ours was busy, with a week-long road trip leaving us glad to be back in our own house this weekend. Travel always seems to bring out the worst in me, but I felt like we had less bickering than on past trips.  Anne admits I’m right about that, yet she still announced her intention to deliver a spanking for what she viewed as several instances of snarkiness or annoyance.

 

 

Since we were in an RV, there technically was nothing stopping her from giving me a spanking on the spot. And, while she’s threatened it a couple of times now, several days later I’m still waiting and wondering if/when it will happen.

 

I do understand why she didn’t spank while we were camping, however.  Our trip spanned a holiday weekend, and there were other campers and tents all around us most nights.  A spanking delivered under those circumstances definitely would have been in line with this captioned photo:

 

 

Although Anne’s openness to being more open about her authority and about my spankings has jumped by leaps and bounds this year, it still hasn’t gone quite that far.   

 

And, that’s sort of the topic for this week.  How far do things go? How far should they?

 

I got to thinking about this in part because of an AI-generated story that Julie of the Strict Julie Spanks blog posted.  It is VERY long, but I would encourage you to give it a read, as it provides some context for today’s post.

 

The basic storyline probably is a familiar one to F/m spanking enthusiasts who have a disciplinary bent.  A wife, one with some innate dominant tendencies, stumbles on a magazine her husband had hidden away.  It has strong F/m domestic discipline themes.  

 

But, unlike the many stories in which (a) the wife confronts the husband, (b) he reluctantly admits his DD interest, and (c) they live happily ever after in a DD household, in this story the wife chooses not to confront her husband with her discovery but, instead, starts making suggestive comments and subtly bossing him around, to test the waters and start inching him in a particular direction. 

 

Between the two of them, "Emily" is the much stronger player, and she clearly aspires to be the real leader in the relationship, and not just a vehicle for servicing "John's" DD kink. In fact, her sense of having real authority depends to a large extent on not feeding his fantasies initially. 

 

She realizes that what she proposes to do will leverage his erotic interests in the long run, but first she wants to edge him toward accepting real authority from her in the absence of the anticipated erotic thrill.  She will nudge him toward submission first, then spring a real disciplinary spanking on him when a real opportunity presents itself, i.e. when he truly misbehaves but doesn't know he will be spanked for it.

 

And, of course, the opportunity does present itself.  Her husband acts up, he gets a  spanking he never saw coming, and he now has to wrestle with the reality of her authority without any pre-existing agreement about its bounds. 

 

The rest of the story is a series of vignettes in which we see the couple moving further and further into FLR territory, including her becoming much more open about her authority and more dismissive of his attempts to condition or limit it.   

 

There are verbal dressings down when he acts up in a store, followed by a spanking in a private area but with the sales girls knowing its happening.   

 

A spanking in a restaurant bathroom when he mistreats a waitress. The waitress walks in and witnesses, and he has to continue to take the spanking, mortified by the whole scene

 

Later, a spanking at the family BBQ in front of everyone.  Worse, instead of accepting the punishment and moving on, he sulks about it, culminating in a belting from Emily's strict disciplinary father. 

 

At each step, John gets punished, fails to learn a lesson, acts up again, and gets a more embarrassing punishment.  After each escalation he pouts and pleads, but she:

 

• rejects his attempt to limit her authority and, instead, adamantly asserts her total control over his discipline; and
• points out that he could easily have avoided the embarrassment and pain of his increasingly public spankings by not misbehaving in the face of known consequences.
  

 

In short, Emily moves things along incrementally, methodically employing an increasingly brazen form of “anytime, anywhere, for any reason.”

 

 

 Early on, she warns him:

 

“I want what’s best for you, for us. But you need to understand that I’m serious about this. If it takes a little public reminder to keep you on track, then so be it. It’s for your own good.”

 

The story got me thinking not so much about public punishments per se, but about a wife’s decision to really embrace those characteristics we often say we want. We (some of us anyway) say we want our wives to be strict. Unyielding. Resolved. Demanding. 

 

And, some of us want, or think we want, our wives to be willing to escalate in whatever way is necessary to bring about real behavioral change. 

 

 

Julie’s AI-generated story pushes a lot of buttons for those of us who have this perverse attraction to being subject to someone else’s strongly wielded authority. 

 

A public scolding. A scolding in front of a sibling that includes unmistakable hints at the existence of the DD or FLR relationship. 

 

An overheard spanking. Semi-public spankings. Witnessed spankings. Spankings by the wife's father, in the presence of the whole family.

 

Although Julie obviously guided it along, the AI platform did a surprisingly good job, in my opinion, of getting into the psychology of adult spanking as experienced by those of us whose interest is rooted in a desire for imposed authority.

 

For me, it was a timely read, because I’ve been thinking more and more lately about the extent to which I have a craving for Anne to take things in a more emotionally challenging direction.

 

When I think back over our 20 years in this lifestyle, the spankings that really stand out have little to do with the spanking itself.  Instead, they tend to involve times when she took things in a direction I didn’t see coming or to a level that really pushed some emotional buttons. 

 

In the very early days, when we tallied up a minimum number of swats for identified offenses, I had a "bad week," resulting in a seriously intimidating number of swats with the heavy fraternity-style paddle. Much like John in the story, I expressed concern that I couldn’t take it, having never taken anything close to that many before. To this day, I vividly remember Anne showing no mercy, telling me, “Well, that’s too bad because you earned it. You are going to take it.”

 

Or, there was the first time she called me at the office, telling me to come home at lunch for a serious strapping, sending me back to work to sit on a very sore bottom.

 

There was the first time she gave me a surprisingly hard spanking for repeatedly failing to do a household chore correctly.

 

Or, the first time she alluded very openly to the prospect of her spanking me, when others were within earshot.  I don’t think they heard, but they could have.

 

Or, the first time she really lit into me with a lecture that was cutting and really hurt my pride. But, after sulking about it for a couple of weeks, I accepted that it had been deserved. I also accepted that maybe it didn't really matter whether I accepted.

 

Today, even with the benefit of 20 years of increasing self-awareness about why I want and need this lifestyle, my strong desire for imposed authority leads to a very complicated mix of feelings. 

 

In virtually every other aspect of my life, I won't tolerate being subject to someone else's dictates.  Yet, in my marriage, I crave it.  Well, I crave it except when it's actually happening.

 

I think I did recognize early on that my attraction to DD included a perverse need to have my emotional boundaries pushed, but not with the clarity I have today.  

 

And, back then I didn't get that my DD fascination was related more to being subject to my wife's authority than to her spankings per se.

 

I’m not sure why it took me so long to really understand that aspect of my attraction, since broad female authority was replete in the DWC website content and handbooks that kicked off my interest in DD. Aunt Kay emphasized repeatedly what she saw as the very broad authority bestowed on disciplinary wives:

 

“A relationship where the woman of the house applies discipline to the men in her life, whenever and however she sees fit, is a happier, healthier and better world.”

 

“The first thing you must do is to explain the golden rule of your proposed (or existing) disciplinary relationship. He must render complete obedience to you with regard to disciplinary issues at all times and must be willing to carry out any and all orders you give him without question or hesitation.”

 

“If you feel the least bit sorry for him during all this, remember, a submissive man does not want a weak or lenient woman. He wants someone very strict and dominant. If he wanted anything different, he wouldn't be over your knees in the first place.”

 

“The definition of a DWC relationship is that the woman’s role involves providing moral and behavioral guidance to the man and invests in her the absolute authority to decide upon and wield punishments accordingly. The man’s role is to accept this authority and strive to gain benefit from it.”

 

“Receiving benefit from discipline begins well before you ever reach the point of actually experiencing an old-fashioned spanking.  It begins with your awareness of your wife’s personal power and your belief that she is indeed the right woman to handle you.  Expect to be obedient!”

 

“Remember where it all began.  You asked your wife to please take over your discipline.  You have empowered her to assume the maternal role and have agreed to take the child role with respect to discipline. You want, more than anything else, for her to be powerful, assertive and in control.  It is a beautiful thing, really. Your obedience and compliance will greatly assist her in reaching her full potential.”

 

I recall feeling gut-punched the first time I read the stories on the DWC website.  Twenty years later, it’s not surprising that DD has lost some of that emotional edge.  Yet, perhaps because I miss that emotional edginess, I find myself increasingly attracted to the idea of Anne becoming increasingly strict and increasingly open.

 

 

Yet, how would I react if she actually did? Would I have cooperated with a spanking in a crowded campground?

 

Honestly, I’m pretty sure I would have. Although I’m incredibly anti-authoritarian in all my other relationships, somehow I have accepted Anne’s authority so thoroughly that I have a hard time imagining truly balking at anything she might order, no matter how embarrassing.   

 

I’m sure I would argue and maybe even plead, but an actual refusal? Not likely at this point.

 

When I mentally place myself in each of the scenarios in Julie’s story, would I have given in, as John did?   

 

Accept a spanking in a place where it likely would be overheard? Yes.

 

Accept her letting others know about our relationship, on her terms?  Yes.

 

 

Accept being spanked in front of witnesses of her choosing?  Yes.

 

Accept being spanked by a family member, or anyone else, at her direction? Yes.

 

Many of us say we want an “anytime, anywhere, for any reason” approach to our wife’s authority. But, as someone pointed out, it’s really the first two of those that are where the rubber meets the road.

 

If we really want to fix problematic behavior, should the approach taken by Emily of escalating in whatever way is necessary, including public embarrassment, be on the table?

 

You could say this is about the distinction between a DD relationship and an FLR, but I’m not sure that’s all that helpful.  Some here insist that they are not in FLRs, yet when they describe the extent of their wife’s disciplinary authority, it sounds FLR-ish to me.  While we may have a general consensus on what something like Femdom entails, we don’t have nearly such a clear sense of where a DD relationship ends and an FLR begins, do we?

 

Regardless of what label you might assign to your relationship, how does it operate in terms of the breadth and depth of the wife’s authority? To what extent does the wife have the express authority to determine the where, when and why of it all? 

 

 

For the men, to what extent has she pushed that authority in ways you found difficult or embarrassing at the time? To what extent do you want her to push those situational boundaries in a way that you might find really difficult?  If you plow through Julie’s story, are there particular scenarios you think would challenge you the most?  Would you actually refuse to cooperate with a spanking-related decision made by your wife, or is it really anywhere, anytime, for any reason? In practice as well as in theory?

 

For the women, how do you view the extent of your disciplinary authority? Is it as broad (potentially or in reality) as Emily's in the story? Would you want it to be? 

 

Is the idea of exercising that kind of control something you find appealing, even if you might never go there in reality?

If your husband was like “John,” constantly acting like a child or embarrassing you in front of others, what would your level of compunction be about taking him to task publicly?  Where are the lines? 

 

To what extent do you feel comfortable escalating in whatever way it takes to root out the behavior you don’t like?  When he does repeat the same bad behavior, is the escalation path simply more spankings? Harder spankings? 

 

Or, would showing your authority in public be on the table?  What about giving a spanking where it almost surely would be overheard, like KOJ's tale of being taken to a room and spanked during a crowded party?  His reaction to the experience sums up my current morbid attraction to having my emotional boundaries pushed:

 

“I also totally agree that escalating the punishment to semi-public had a profound effect on me and our relationship. It planted a healthy fear in my heart and made it clear how much authority she really wielded!”

 

It’s that healthy fear of what she might do that I feel like I’m wanting, though I am very well aware of how it likely would rock my emotional world if it actually happened.

 

Have a great week.