"To do great things is difficult, but to command great things is more difficult." - Friedrich Nietzsche
Hello all. Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club. Our weekly meeting of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led (FLR) relationships.
Once again, before we get started, I would like to extend a specific invitation to our female readers to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We miss having you around.
Wow, it seems like a long time since we’ve gotten together, doesn’t it? Or perhaps my sense of time is just warped after over a week of adventuring in areas where the day of the week didn’t matter for much. We got off into some pretty desolate areas, including long, long stretches in which we didn’t see other human beings for many hours.
It turned into a pretty rough adventure. One of those that reminds me that some things are just a hell of a lot harder in my 50s than they would have been when I was a decade or two younger. I came back from the trip very wiped out, and it’s taking me longer to recover than anticipated. I also took a fall that was pretty bad and may have done some lasting damage. But, all in all, I came back in a better frame of mind than I did the last time I did something similar. This time it felt more like a real growth experience.
Last time, there were some careless mistakes on my part that left me very pissed off and disappointed with myself. Nothing on that scale happened this time around, though there was one instance in which I acceded to someone else’s risk-taking decision, we paid a pretty significant price for it, and it could have been a lot worse. But, all in all, it was an improvement over last time, and I feel like maybe focusing some attention on “carelessness”—and to some extent making it a focus for our DD—may be paying off a bit.
Probably because I came back so exhausted from the trip, I’m at a low-ebb where DD interest is concerned. Thankfully, I have a small backlog of topic suggestions. A couple of weeks ago, TB suggested this one:
“In terms of future discussions, I am interested in what people see as the 'ideal' DD relationship? What would it look like, feel like, how would your partner behave, talk, act, what changes would they ideally like to see in their current DD relationship? May have been covered before but I have tried to describe this many times to my wife with varying success...”
I’m a little leery about this topic because, although it hasn’t been a huge issue, from time to time we get commenters who like to complain about all the ways in which their wives are failing to cater to every aspect of their spanking fetish. I get the sense they are constantly asking their partner to step it up in way or another, despite the fact that few women find being pestered attractive.
On the other hand, I believe that communication is key to these relationships. Our wives aren’t mind readers, and if handled in the right way, letting them know what we want or think we need can be helpful.
So, I think this is a topic worth exploring, and hopefully it won’t degenerate into a bitch session about each and every thing we find lacking in our DD and FLR relationships.
I will kick it off.
Strong maternal element. Over the last couple of years, I’ve come to some realizations about the extent to which I want the DD aspects of our relationship to have a strong maternal element. However, it’s easier for me to say that in the abstract than to articulate how that would look in terms of TB’s specific questions as to how my partner would behave, talk, and act.
Preliminarily, I think it would involve an element of her having the undisputed primary role in making and enforcing the rules. Ideally, it would be close to the “my house, my rules” attitude many of us experienced growing up; almost arbitrary assertions of authority that put one in one’s place far more than agreed-upon rules.
It would also entail an increased level of strictness around the rules and an increasing emphasis on obedience for obedience’s sake. Again, that dynamic would emphasize the hierarchy inherent in a real maternal dynamic.
When it came time for discipline, there would be a more explicit adoption of a full-on maternal dynamic, with both the words and the tone emphasizing her maternal role, with me being reduced to something like a surly teenager who has earned a real blistering and is going to get one.
I want to emphasize that, while we are not living this maternal “ideal,” we have taken steps in that direction this year, and I very much appreciate Anne’s efforts in exploring it with me.
Strictness and control. Independent of the whole maternal dynamic, for me the ideal includes more strictness and less letting me get away with excuses and explanations. It means setting high standards and then enforcing them rigorously. It also means that the strictness would ideally be something she initiates, as opposed to me asking for or suggesting it.
There would be a real, “This is how it’s going to be, and it’s going to happen whether you like it or not” aspect to it all.
Consistency and frequency. “Consistency” is probably just another word for strictness. It’s always been a challenge for us. Rules and standards get set, but the consequences are unpredictable and often all-too-easily avoided. I also think there probably needs to be some increased frequency.
A few weeks ago, I was over Anne’s knee, receiving a well-deserved butt blistering for an offense that has happened many times. During a short pause she asked, “Do I just need to spank you more often?” Although her question was rhetorical, the literally true answer is almost certainly “yes.” When I’m being honest with myself and her, it’s a rare week that I don’t do something that would probably merit a spanking in an ideally strict environment.
Yet, they tend to happen more like monthly than weekly. It seemed like we were moving toward a regime emphasizing more frequency, but it kind of sputtered out.
Openness. Part of me really wants her authority to be on more open display. In the past, I had strong negative reactions to being embarrassed, yet paradoxically I often feel a need to have others know or suspect the nature of our relationship. Moreover, I find her rare open displays of authority sexy as hell. At least in retrospect.
Again, I want to emphasize that overall I’m very happy with our dynamic. I don’t need the “ideal,” and I appreciate all her efforts over the years.
I also recognize that asking for the ideal carries a huge “be careful what you wish for; you might get it” risk. With that in mind, I’ll add this to TB’s questions: "Have you ever pushed for your ideal, gotten it, then found it was too much or very different from what you thought it would be?”
Have a great week.
I am happy with my WLM. Is it perfect and live up to my every fantasy, of course not. I want her to be more consistent but we have busy lives. Sometimes she is just not in the mood to be in charge of every detail. I suspect a lot of wives get tired of it but like my wife would never seed her authority to me. She eventually deals with my behavior when she can no longer stand for it.
ReplyDeleteIt's frustrating
" I want her to be more consistent but we have busy lives. Sometimes she is just not in the mood to be in charge of every detail."
DeleteThis is kind of what I was getting at with the quote at the top of this post. Being subject to someone else's commands is difficult but so is being in charge and commanding others.
It is frustrating because I know I would be more attentive if she was more consistent but then again I'm not in charge. I have a love hate relationship with the thought of being over her knee. It's been a while since she got to the point of spanking me. i guess I pushed her a little too far today. I just got paddled and man was I ever begging for her to stop and promising to be good. Tomorrow's a travel day so she really wanted to drive her point home and promised me a spanking tomorrow if I didn't cut out the attitude. I tried everything to get out of it to no avail. She stuck to her guns and I respect it. Hopefully I won't get another tomorrow.
ReplyDelete"I have a love hate relationship with the thought of being over her knee."
DeleteSame here for sure
To start off, our DD life is just incredibly satisfying! It's not perfect from my perspective, and I'm sure my wife would say the same, but I'm very grateful for how far we have come.
ReplyDeleteBeth was new to spanking, having never been disciplined that way growing up. I was surprised that she would even consider spanking her husband and even more so when she gave fairly hard ones. The only thing was that at first they were too short. We talked about that and she lengthened the process considerably. I'd say that they became 50% longer almost immediately and the results from that were obvious.
We haven't talk about it all that much, but there is no denying the attraction of maternal style spanking. Beth incorporates lots of scolding and lecture into my punishment and I marvel at her talent for giving a good dressing down before the spanking begins. This serves multiple functions, as it lets her release frustration, clears the air for both of us, and puts me in the mindset to be punished. The lectures are uncomfortable, but I can't imagine a serious spanking without one.
I would like to be more open about our arrangement, at least with a few people, but Beth disagrees on this. In my ideal world, Beth would share it with a few females who she is especially close to. I like to imagine that her sisters and a best friend already know, but Beth swears that they do not. This is probably for the best, but I still hold out hope that the secret will come out with at least one sister.
Kevin
Anne's mother was a spanker, though it's not clear to me that *she* ever got one. She had three thoroughly rotten siblings, and my sense is Anne was always the "good girl" who avoided punishment and, hence, was thoroughly resented by her siblings.
DeleteAnne does lecture prior to most spankings, but it's a mixed bag for me. Oftentimes, she almost seems amused as she does it. She clearly isn't very upset but feels the need to lecture anyway. It leave me with a "Can't we just get on with it?" kind of reaction. But, there have been a few times when she's been truly angry and has cut loose. Those scoldings fell into the "be careful what you wish for . . ." category, creating a lot of resentment on my end at the time but, in retrospect, they were well-deserved.
So far, Anne hasn't shared our DD lifestyle with anyone, though a mutual friend knows because I told her. In my "ideal" there would be something like the real DWC, with a handful of women who knew each other personally and would encourage and support each other. Aunt Kay's husband told me at one point that one thing that whenever he and Aunt Kay would get together with another couple who were into the lifestyle, he knew that at some point it could end up with either or both husbands over someone's knee. There is something perversely attractive to me about spending every get-together with another couple completely on edge. There also is something about just knowing a friend of Anne's knows about it and might be thinking about it every time we are together.
Dan,
ReplyDeleteHope you had a great trip. We are action packed throughout the remaining weekends of July and away again in August. My wife was sick while we were away. This put a damper on a few of our activities. She is on the mend which is great news. I think we all wish our DD/FLR relationship was a bit more active or more engaging at times. I can’t complain and won’t because I’m happy my wife has taken the time to entertain this type of lifestyle. The maternal aspect of our DD has progressed lately. This was weak at the start but her scolding has increased over time. I’ve actually suggested to her, when she is upset and dresses me down at times, that should be an opportunity to administer strict discipline. I think our wives, at times, fail to deliver when they are at their most upset. I said something stupid to her a few weeks ago and she was mad and upset. I felt she should of thrashed me sooner than she did. It’s a great opportunity for her to take her frustrations out on my backside. I’m with you that I need that strong maternal tone similar to when I was a teenager that needed a blistering. We were out at dinner last night and a mother was carrying a paddle w a ball attached to it. My wife said it gave her PTSD because her Mother used it on her. She said, “I should go borrow it to use on your bottom”. I felt immediately flush. I wish she would be a bit more strict when she needs to be. The example above per se.
She brought up her late parents. When her Mom was pissed at her Dad, she relegated him to the basement or he would take a trip to the hotel. My response was, your Mother should of thrashed him. She said, you are correct. I won’t make that mistake. That would of significantly reduced their arguments. Consistency is probably an issue for most of these relationships. Life gets in the way and my wife is very laid back. She lets a lot role off her back. I think this is the area that we could focus on and I encourage her when it comes
up. I’m like you, when my wife does open up a bit and puts her foot down, it’s highly erotic. I don’t want openness amongst our close friends and family, but around strangers, I don’t mind. A few times on vacation, she has told me I need a good beating in front of a few women we didn’t know. This left me feeling ashamed and embarrassed. Later on though, I was highly turned on by her tone. I’ve stated that her best friend knows she spanks me when I’m out of line. Would I be more open to it down the road. I’m not quite sure yet. This is a touchy subject that I’m not quite ready to divulge to our loved ones.
T
On a separate note, strange dream I had. My wife was giving me a blistering in a half in front of my Mother. She was encouraging her to strap me harder. I was bawling like a baby. I did not share that story with my wife. I probably will not either. I thought it was very odd and weird.
DeleteT
"I’ve actually suggested to her, when she is upset and dresses me down at times, that should be an opportunity to administer strict discipline. I think our wives, at times, fail to deliver when they are at their most upset." Anne is the same way. It seems like she is *least* likely to use spanking to end an argument when she is actually angry. I've asked her why. She says that in the moment, she just doesn't think of it.
Delete:When her Mom was pissed at her Dad, she relegated him to the basement or he would take a trip to the hotel." Anne's parents were the king and queen of passive-aggressive dispute resolution. Whenever they got in a fight, she would deny him sex until he apologized, and he would usually sleep on the couch. During that time, they would give each other the silent treatment. That would go on for a couple of weeks. When we first got married, Anne too tended to pout or flounce out of the room whenever there was an argument. I think she clearly believes today that DD is much superior to the passive-aggressive model she got from her parents.
I wish I had more of those kinds of dreams than I do. I honestly don't remember being spanked by mother as a child (though I'm very sure she did from time to time, but only when I was pretty young). But, I have had a couple of very vivid dreams about her preparing to spank me as an adult. I also had a dream in which I was at some kind of office social function but my wife and both parents where there. For reasons I don't recall, I was to be taken out of the room and spanked by our office manager. I tried to get Ane and my family to advocate for me. Anne very cavalierly told me to go with the office manager. My dad told me to go take my medicine, while my mom nodded along in agreement.
DeleteI do think that if my mother knew anything about our DD relationship, she would be just fine with Anne doing it. She always felt like her my dad's mother was very one-sided in supporting her sons over her daughters-in-law. My mother never forgot it and has always gone out of her way to support my wife as a spouse and parent. Although it has never come up and never would, I am very sure she would totally support it if she knew Anne paddled me to keep me in line.
I took your post and fed it to AI. It came up with a very nice little story that encompasses the ideals you write about. See https://strictjuliespanks.blogspot.com/2024/07/fiction-embracing-maternal-discipline-fm.html
ReplyDeleteCan you even imagine a robot housekeeper with such a good understanding of your needs as demonstrated by the above?
P.s. I also fed in your dream as a bonus 😉
Wow! They are getting wildly human-like, aren't they? Which AI platform did you feed it to?
DeleteJust fyi, in the dream, the office manager was a man. 😉
Oh ho! ChatGPT-4o had no idea you leaned "that way" 😉
DeleteI didn't either until that dream. 😀
DeleteHello Dan and the rest. First let me say this is my first time to post and contribute to this “community”. You have a great blog here and I really enjoy your takes (I feel I am well aligned with most of your views) and you have some other great articulate contributors as well! I have been a long time lurker, off and on for a few years, more or less in step with where I was/am in my own DD relationship with my wife of 40+ years. We are currently in our third iteration of some sort of DD situation.
ReplyDeleteThe first was way more of a Dom/sub relationship that lasted a year or so but to be honest, that didn’t really fit either one of us. The second time was really Domestic Discipline alone but that was very short lived (though I really don’t know why that attempt ended after such a short period). Now, I feel we are both very committed to making this iteration work and last, which again is pretty much strictly DD. What I have learned through all of this is that I honestly need her to be my disciplinarian and she seems committed to that for the reason you and so many of the contributors to your blog over the years speak to – because she loves me.
Even with this being our third foray into some sort of DD arrangement, I still consider myself very much a newbie in practice but a cagey veteran in amount of time spent thinking and speculating (and fantasizing) about it. Spanking was a tiny part of the original D/s situation, the second go at it was very short lived and this third act is in the very early stages but I can safely say I am addicted.
As for this week’s topic about what would be my ideal, let me first echo your overall take and also say that I am extremely grateful for my current real life situation and very excited for what I do have and for what I believe the future holds for me and hopefully for the both of us. That said, if I could change just one thing it would be that I wish she was the main driver and more active in setting the parameters instead of it being me basically asking that she please hold me accountable for this, this, this and that. My ideal would be for her to come to me saying, “From now on I’ll expect X, no more Y, and if you ever Z it could be weeks before you’re able to sit comfortably.”
As it is now, it’s more of “Ok, if you want me to monitor A I’m fine with that and if you don’t want me to let you B anymore, I guess I can do that.” Maybe, hopefully that will come as we get farther along.
Signed DB
DB, first, welcome! I'm glad you decided to join in.
Delete"I am extremely grateful for my current real life situation and very excited for what I do have and for what I believe the future holds for me and hopefully for the both of us. That said, if I could change just one thing it would be that I wish she was the main driver and more active in setting the parameters instead of it being me basically asking that she please hold me accountable for this, this, this and that. My ideal would be for her to come to me saying, “From now on I’ll expect X, no more Y, and if you ever Z it could be weeks before you’re able to sit comfortably.”"
I could have written all of that myself. Regarding being hopeful for what the future has in store for her, I am confident that, over time, my wife has gotten at least as much out of DD as I have. That may not have been true at first, but it definitely has been over time, especially over the last couple of years since she retired and became much less concerned about what others might think.
Anne has become more of an equal driver over the last couple of years, though it's still not quite there, let alone her really taking over as the main driver. I totally get what you mean about the attraction to her come to me and just laying out how it is going to be. It would almost be like a reset of the entire DD dynamic, with her fully in charge in the way you see in so many of the DWC fiction stories.
Thanks for the warm welcome. I’m glad to be here and welcome having an outlet for some of my thoughts. I can certainly relate when you said, “I could have written all of that myself.” I feel the exact same way when I read a significant majority of your posts. We seem to be very much aligned. DB
DeleteGlad to hear it!
DeleteI guess I’m pretty much in line with others that I’d prefer more consistency. It’s not unusual for me to regret something I’ve done and feel that some punishment is deserved, only for it not to happen as she either doesn’t think it’s warranted or just doesn’t have it on her priority list. I’m maybe feeling guilty about it and really need the spanking to wash away the guilt, and it doesn’t happen. In some ways that feeling is worse than the punishment itself. I also wish that she should be firmer in her language, I feel that a COMMAND sets the mood far more than “maybe we should get the paddle out.” You’re right about communication. She’s aware of how I feel and that I’d like to see more firmness and consistency, but life sometimes just gets in the way. About a year ago I inadvertently broke one of our hard and fast rules for the first time for some years. I told her about it but after a couple of weeks without it being dealt with I actually wrote her a fairly long note that basically said I felt we needed more consistency and either we were a DD couple or we weren’t, but I was having a problem not knowing where I was. It was well received and I got the punishment I deserved. Maintenance spankings have been a little more regular since then but there have been few real discipline ones - I guess my mood and attitude - my main problem - has been better. So to answer your question succinctly, more consistency and firmness. I’m pretty sure that she did tell one friend something about our relationship, as well as a sister, but I’m not sure if she laid out the details. One of my lasting regrets is that we found the DWC at about the end of its life, so we never had the opportunity to participate in any of their real life events. Finding this blog was huge for me, but I would also be up for small in person gatherings of like minded couples, knowing that it probably wouldn’t be just conversation. We used to go to a local spanking group over twenty years ago, but it was fun, not DD, so it had a very different ambiance. The place where I differ from others here is in the maternal aspect. Having not grown up in a spanking environment, I don’t see adult spanking as maternal in any way. In fact, any suggestion of a maternal association comes across to me as just creepy and is a huge and instant turnoff. TG
ReplyDelete"I’m maybe feeling guilty about it and really need the spanking to wash away the guilt, and it doesn’t happen."
DeleteThat happens with me too, though it's fairly rare that my guilt lasts more than a few days. For that reason, I used to feel like if a punishment happened a week or more after the offense, there was little point to it. My views on that have changed a bit though, and I now feel like when it comes to making me be more careful about my behavior, certainty of punishment probably is more important than timeliness. In other words, it's more important for me to know that I *will* be punished every single time than that it happens within some timeframe.
"One of my lasting regrets is that we found the DWC at about the end of its life, so we never had the opportunity to participate in any of their real life events." Same here, but in the early days we were so paranoid about others knowing we were into this, I'm not sure we would have participated even had there been a longer overlap between us getting into DD and the DWC being really active.
I’m with you that there’s nothing about domestic discipline that I relate to as being “maternal” though I can see that angle. Part of the original idea for this topic asked, “how would your partner behave, talk, act?”
DeleteFor me, the ideal persona and the way they would talk and act when it came time to laying the wood down would not be maternal at all. It would be in a teasing and even a taunting manner. I want her pointing out what a predicament I’m in, how vulnerable I am and how I am completely at her mercy but how she has no intentions of showing any mercy. There’d definitely be a clear hierarchy element but clearly that she is a wife who spanks and I am a husband that gets spanked. I want her to flaunt and wield her power with confidence and be quite demanding. I want her to voice her expectations of how I am to handle her spanking (keep still, take it, quit squirming, stick that ass out, etc.) and then make sure I comply to her unreasonable demands and expectations or suffer more consequences. None of that strikes me the least bit maternal. DB
Im quite the opposite, as I do not think i could have DD without the “maternal” vibe aspect to it. I certaintly dont want my wife to Motherly me and she does not. What she does do and is becoming better at it, is dressing me down. It is getting to the point where i want the thrashing to start. I become somewhat uncomfortable with her tone similar to the way i was raised by Mom. She usually starts with “don’t you think you should have”? She has been great at pulling out the quotes of, when i get done thrashing you, and you will learn a lesson after I’m done. Im proud of her becoming more assertive and i like your assertion Dan of not complaining about it. None of our wives ever expected this and we should be proud that they are taking the time to make this a key part of the relationship.
DeleteT
DB said: "It would be in a teasing and even a taunting manner."
DeleteThis illustrates how differently we all can react to the same basic scenario, i.e. being held accountable via a hard spanking from our spouse. Teasing and taunting is a demeanor that does NOT work for me. I don't like it even when she's too light-hearted or cavalier about it. I need her to have a certain level of seriousness before I can take it seriously. And, without the seriousness and the emphasis on "real" accountability, spanking doesn't do anything for me.
T., for a long time the dressing down thing wasn't a big part of your dynamic. But, that has changed over the last couple of years. She's also started lecturing more and asking rhetorical questions ("Are you going to do that again?"; "Do I need to spank you more often to get through to you?", etc.) during the spanking itself.
DeleteYes it’s definitely helped by my feed back over the years. Although not perfect, I think she has found confidence in herself. Being the alpha in the relationship, I think she assumed I wouldn’t listen to her when she spoke. When we started our relationship, I would raise my tone and get animated, even yell at times. As I’ve aged and with the help of DD, I’ve mellowed. Like you, I wish when she was mad, she would punish me severely. Like Anne, I don’t think she thinks about it there and then. Of course, I’m hot under the collar. I would follow
Deleteher direction if she ordered me upstairs to bend over for a thrashing. Im happy she has gained confidence and become more vocal. Communication has been key, although far from perfect.
T
Our wives sound a lot alike. Anne was not high in confidence when we first met, and even for the first several years of DD. But, she's grown a lot in that respect over time. I'm not sure whether she thought I wouldn't listen, given that I'm a lot more naturally assertive and aggressive than she is. But, she has told me that for a long time she questioned why any guy would want DD, and because of that questioning, in the back of her mind she always thought that at some point I would decide it was too much. She says it made her reticent about really committing, because in the back of her mind she was afraid that as soon as she really committed, I would "yank the carpet out from under her" by deciding I no longer wanted a DD/FLR relationship.
DeleteTiming is a tricky thing were anger is concerned. We don't get in pitched fights very often, but when we do, while I might accept a spanking if she ordered it, that acceptance would likely be very grudging and likely wouldn't accomplish much for either of us. I feel like the sweet spot is the day after the argument. But, I'm also talking about real arguments. For more minor things where she's annoyed or angry, expressing that at the time would be fine.
Dan said, “This illustrates how differently we all can react to the same basic scenario, i.e. being held accountable via a hard spanking from our spouse. Teasing and taunting is a demeanor that does NOT work for me. I don't like it even when she's too light-hearted or cavalier about it. I need her to have a certain level of seriousness before I can take it seriously. And, without the seriousness and the emphasis on "real" accountability, spanking doesn't do anything for me.”
DeleteI find it interesting how semantics paint different pictures in our heads. To me, the “teasing and taunting” is the last thing I’d relate to “lighthearted” or “cavalier”. It would be very serious in my mind, kind of a “your mouth literally got you in this ‘position’ but your ass is going to pay the price to get you out.” On the other hand, when I think of “maternal” I think of “this is going to hurt me more than it does you” kind of vibe, and THAT’S the last thing I want. I want her to know without a shadow of a doubt that I’ll be the one hurting and she’ll emerge completely unscathed. I think we both want basically the same thing – stern attitude, real accountability and serious “discomfort” etc. but we relate it in our minds differently and use different words to describe how to get there. DB
You're right, it likely is all about semantics, and this isn't the first time that I've learned that the same word may have different connotations to us. To me, it was the word "teasing" that connoted something lighthearted or less serious. It's also interesting how pretty subtle differences can paint a very different picture of the dynamic involved. Like you, the "this is going to hurt me more than it does you" message does nothing for me, other than kind of turn me off. But, another common "maternal" phrase "this is for your own good," does fit what I see as the strict mother archetype that I want.
DeleteI’d like to address each of your subtopics starting with The Strong Maternal Element. I don’t really have that desire but I do want pretty much all of the components of that you list. I love the “my house, my rules” attitude along with the “increased level of strictness around the rules and an increasing emphasis on obedience for obedience’s sake” but coming from an “I’m your wife, not your mother. In this house, not following my rules has serious, painful consequences. Understand?” kind of vibe.
ReplyDeleteOn Strictness and control: We see eye to eye on this, especially “It also means that the strictness would ideally be something she initiates, as opposed to me asking for or suggesting it.” Exactly this!
Regarding Consistency and frequency, I also concur ideally there is much more of each. My wife seems to seek out excuses for me and be too generous with pardons when what I’d really like is for her to look for reasons to call a foul on me (we are both huge sports fans and fouls are how we look at transgressions. When I get 5 fouls, I foul out, which has extra repercussions).
And finally on openness. This is something I have really been thinking about a lot the last couple of weeks. As in many of the aspects of being a spanked husband, I have conflicting takes and emotions on this. No question there is a humbling aspect to being a man whose wife spanks him for disciplinary purposes, but at the same time I am very proud to be a wife spanked husband. I know on the surface that makes no sense yet I feel most of the men here will understand. I’ve read old blog topics about wishing there was a subtle emblem that men and or women could wear that subtly puts it out there that they are in a DD relationship. I feel the same way. I’m not interested in her or me wearing a t-shirt with big block letters saying my wife spanks me, but a subtle, kind of sexy pendant on a necklace. Absolutely! In fact I may have stumbled across just the thing (for us anyway). She is a big lake person and we spend a good deal of time there. I found a heart pendant on Etsy that on the bottom of the heart where it comes together, one “leg” of that is a paddle. It’s marketed as a kayak paddle and to state that you love kayaking and should someone ask her about it she can say it’s a statement on her love of the lake, or if she’s feeling daring, she can say it symbolizes our “love for domestic discipline”. She can play it any way she wants to especially with the lake connection being legitimate. Regardless, when I see it, it will always signify that she loves paddling her husband! I haven’t even given it to her yet but I will soon and will hope she wears it often. If I’ve recently endured a session it will really have a significant message for me. I’m excited for her to have it. - Signed DB
"I love the “my house, my rules” attitude along with the “increased level of strictness around the rules and an increasing emphasis on obedience for obedience’s sake” but coming from an “I’m your wife, not your mother. In this house, not following my rules has serious, painful consequences. Understand?” kind of vibe."
DeleteI'm not sure out attitudes are very different on this one. While I've come to accept the label "maternal" for the elements of DD that I find compelling, for me it's really more about there *being* very hierarchical elements than about whether it is a "mother figure" per se driving them. For me, it's probably more accurate to call it a "parental" vibe than restricting it to one parent. Also, I even have a perverse attraction to a non-parent having such authority, like a strict boss. It's ironic, because I was *extremely* anti-authoritarian when I was in my profession, to the point that I'm very sure every CEO I served on wished they could put me over their knee (metaphorically). Where I do think there is something particularly maternal about my DD needs is I suspect the attraction to being subject to that kind of authority comes from my own mother not providing and being very erratic in her parenting. Especially as I hit the teenage years and started engaging in increasingly dangerous and dysfunctional activities, I could have really used a strong mother and, instead, I often felt like I needed to be her stabilizing force. So, now as an adult, something in me reaches out for that strong maternal figure I needed but didn't get.
I used your description to look for that kind of pendent on Etsy. Interestingly, it brought up several pendents with pickle ball paddles. That would be a great one for my wife, as she is a pickle ball fanatic. She could easily wear it openly, with its real meaning being our little secret.
Great! I’m glad you found something that’ll work for the two of you! Yes, pickleball paddles were plentiful when I was looking but explaining that to someone would have been harder than “Yes, the pendant signifies I spank my husband” because we do not do pickleball nor could we even pretend to. The one I bought with the kayak paddle was that famous “last one and currently in three carts” model so it may not be listed anymore but I’m glad to have it and I don’t think she’ll mind wearing it. It is pretty and a nice piece. - DB
DeleteAfter reading the post, I realized that I really did not have a standard for what I think is ideal in our DD/FLM relationship. I tried to quantify what ideal would be for me and realized that it is a rather fluid situation. What I think is ideal now is very different from 3 years ago, but more surprising to me is that what is ideal in my mind changes with circumstances. Ideal during our normal routine is different than when we are traveling in the RV, or when we have to deal with a health crisis, or problems in the lives of adult children etc. I think that ideal in my mind is when Domino and I are on the same wavelength, knowing how our relationship needs to function at that moment in different circumstances.
ReplyDeleteI get that. My own "ideal" has changed a lot over two decades, as both our daily reality and my insight into my own motivations has changed and grown.
DeleteI suppose at times, over the years I have contributed on here (on and off) that I fall into the category of those that whinge about their situation. As far as I'm concerned I'm simply being honest (something I do a lot and occasional excessively in life), reflecting the gap between what accrues and what I think could/should happen. I see no issue with having an ideal. But interestingly I have less and less a desire to articulate that ideal, whether to Mrs GL or shared here, because as I get older I find myself falling more into the "get what I can category". Our varient is soft, limited and frustrating but when compared to nothing it is a blessing. I choose these days to count that blessing. Maybe it's a phase, I might be back to moaning normal soon, but for now I will just let what we have marry with other "better than not" things (like recent UK political change and a very lucky national football team) and just carry on. Cheers GLM.
ReplyDelete"Our varient is soft, limited and frustrating but when compared to nothing it is a blessing."
DeleteThis is how I know I don't have a true spanking fetish. If I were in a relationship in which spanking was frustrating, I'd give up the spanking interest and accept something more vanilla or I'd move on from. I can't imagine staying in a form of relationship that left me constantly frustrated or disappointed.
Ideal DD relationship.
ReplyDelete1. Her house, Her rules, strictly enforced. She is the authority, and empowered and motivated to enforce rules anytime, anywhere, for any reason in whatever manner she deems appropriate. (She’s a perfectionist and often frustrated by others lackadaisical approach to tasks so this “project” gives her the opportunity to demand perfect adherence to her directions.)
2. Weekly maintenance spankings will be conducted with accountability review add-ons per performance check of my personal goals with her desired additions. (My personal accountability goals are an important component that she is happy to support for the benefit of us both as they are essentially health and fitness related. She hopefully will have her own additions to the list including assigned tasks/chores.)
3. Accountability corrections will be intense and unpleasant enough to make me want to avoid them regardless of any erotic “thrill”. (She’s declared many times that she isn’t into punishment, and doesn’t think she can spank me intensely enough for me to want to avoid getting another. In fact, she thinks I’d misbehave intentionally to be spanked more frequently. In my ideal scenario she will have proved to herself that she is more than capable enough of making me regret any misbehavior.)
- 3pops
Man, I can relate to this. Confidence. My wife should be very confident in her abilities and her influence on me, but she just isn’t. And that goes for most things, not just DD. If there is one tiny (and I mean tiny!) “negative” comment or event in an ocean of superlatives, she tends to latch onto the negative. That is more than a little frustrating. DB
DeleteYour first point is clearly the ideal for me, and where things are trending. It's also, for me, the one with the biggest "be careful what you wish for . . ." element.
DeleteThe “be careful what you wish for” element is key though, isn’t it? That’s what causes butterflies in your stomach and raises the pulse. To me it differentiates, real discipline from fantasy.
DeleteAs for DB’s teasing to the point of taunting comment, I’d love, love, love that as it would seem to be the ultimate sign of confidence by my wife. Of course, I probably should be careful what I wish for…
-3pops
"To me it differentiates, real discipline from fantasy." I agree 100% Over the last couple of years, I've really begun to accept that we're the closest to real DD and her really being in control when I'm struggling the most to accept it.
DeleteYour comments were very interesting to me.
DeleteNumber 1: Over the years as Domino has grown in her position in our DD/FLR her confidence and dominance have grown as well. As a result, my thrashings have become more intense, and she is much less likely to let anything slide as opposed to times past.
Number 2: Maintenance thrashings occur usually twice a week. Along with a lecture during them on how I need to keep my attitude in line. They are not as severe as a discipline thrashing but still quite serious and they do help.
Number 3: over the last year she has changed how she does discipline thrashings. She figured out that after the first part of a discipline thrashing my rump gets a little numb and the impact is less. So, when she thinks that is happening, she changes tools from a paddle to a leather strap, riding crop, or flogger and takes it to other parts of my body. It has made the entire thrashing much more intense and painful. I definitely do everything I can to avoid those thrashings, and the maintenance thrashings help, but I still mouth off or get in a mood occasionally and end up bent over for a discipline session. You would think I would learn.
Antonio:
DeleteI just recently found your question ( May 26, 10:12am) about one of my posts ("Rhino Horn") in Dan's discussion of using BDSM techniques for DD (Meeting 477, May 18).
I have answered your question in that same Meeting 477, and added some explanatory information.
(Dan may have to "approve" my "very late" post, as the "un-moderated deadline" for posting to that Meeting may have already passed.)
Donn
DeleteThank you for that explanation on what the "rhino horn" is. Very interesting!
Antonio
Antonio:
DeleteBe careful what you dream of, and possibly show to others.
Even though I raised the original question, I am finding it hard to identify what would need to change in order for our current DD relationship to improve other than consistency. I am not interested in a 'maternal' element - I am anti the corporal punishment of minors , mainly as a result of my rather harsh school experiences and I prefer to regard the use of such punishment as based in mutual consent.
ReplyDeleteI personally feel that the DD dynamic is real and adult, it feels best when the application of DD rules and punishments are grounded in adult behaviour and open communication. It has a sexual element (for me) but is now much more than that in our iteration. I fantasise about it before and after but when it is happening my only wish is for it to stop. DD is completely an aspect of our long term adult relationship. It gives balance in that I am bigger & stronger, probably more intellectually 'agile' but also lack many of the empathic skills that my wife has. DD gives her the opportunity to cut through any nonsense, any disrespect, any macho behaviour and turn a brewing conflict into a resolution, a reset and/or a rebalance.
We have tried maintenance but it does not really work in that both of us feel that punishment is best linked to specific misbehaviors. Having a more consistent approach where no misbehaviour is allowed pass without either an explicit warning or a punishment would certainly (in my mind) improve my overall behaviour. We have discussed this many times and it is just not that much of a priority for my wife. She sees the benefits but also says she has a real life and many other responsibilities to deal with. She is happy to 'let stuff' go and then do a 'catch all' punishment when she feels like it is really needed - usually every week to ten days. In some ways that also works for me as I have the freedom to repeatedly misbehave in minor ways (which happens, despite my best efforts & promises!) knowing that the next session will clean the slate.
Like all relationships I don't think that there is an 'ideal', more a journey towards an ever moving 'crock of gold'. TB
A number of things are very important to me. First, she must feel and act with complete confidence in her authority and unfailingly punish when it is even slightly questioned.Other considerations: punishment should be fairly severe, never just playful or "moderate"; she should be "wifely", not in any way maternal, and clearly demonstrate that this is basically a show of sexual dominance. This is deeply satisfying to me. Finally, this is a very private matter. In the company of others, she treats me with complete respect and in no way expects deference and obedience.
ReplyDeleteGood topic, although I don’t have much to add, as many of you have articulated very well the idea that we appreciate being with a woman willing to give us the accountability and boundaries we need. It may not always be exactly how I would fantasize, but the most important thing to me is that she feels in control and enjoys it enough to continue doing it. We do several check ins a week, so she is well aware of what is on my mind. I keep a spanking journal which I share with her, as well as reading some relevant comments from this blog. She has had several setbacks, which caused us to take a break from our DD. However, she is back on her feet, and Iam getting regular spankings again. I feel very lucky to be taken in hand, and my behavior has improved a lot. Fortunately, she can always find things that could use improvement, so there will always be reasons for disciplinary spankings.
ReplyDeleteIt occurred to me that she deserves credit for trying to share with a few women friends about our F/M spanking, but they didn’t seem interested. She has a conservative sister who has commented on how helpful and attentive I have been, but there hasn’t been a good opportunity to share yet. The thought of others knowing is exciting to me, and I still hope that happens someday.
ReplyDeleteI have heard it mentioned over time by Dan, Norton and others; what exactly is a"spanking journal"?
ReplyDeleteAntonio, it's either a log of what spankings you have earned, or what spankings you got. Sometimes both. Because life is busy, spanking sessions are often catching up, it's helpful to have a place where problems are recorded so they aren't forgotten.
DeleteIt can also be a place to record habits positively, e.g., a wife might check to make sure the past week has seven exercise logs logs for a daily exercise habit. She would spank if one is missing, without needing to grill the husband on the details of his past week that both are already forgetting.
The biggest ideal I can think of is that we both communicate well. If I need a spanking, I ask for it and she happily gives it. If she thinks I need a spanking, she asks or tells and I happily take it. Even if it doesn't work out, we don't hide our thoughts.
ReplyDeleteIf either of us is unsure about this or where to take it next, we have complete, mature conversations about it.
This is not an ideal we've achieved, but we are both trying to get there. It's not a fantasy item. And I don't see how I could regret achieving it.