“The difference between
a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of
knowledge, but rather a lack in will.” ― Vince Lombardi Jr.
Hello all. Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples
Club. Our weekly meeting of men and
women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led
(FLR) relationships.
Once again, before we get
started I would like to extend a specific invitation to any of our female
readers, if they still exist, to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status.
While I’ve always said the blog is open to both men and women, one of our commenters
suggested I expressly invite our female readers to join the discussion. Please consider the invitation
enthusiastically extended.
I hope you all had a great
week. I’m bummed that my second favorite
holiday has come and gone. Though, there
still is a bit of Fall left, and the seasonal foods carry through to
Thanksgiving.
We got mobbed by
trick-or-treaters this year, probably because the weather wasn’t too bad, which
is a rarity over Halloween where we live.
What I still can’t figure out is the waves of junior high, and even high
school, kids. In my day, we had better
things to do, like drinking and doing drugs. What’s with kids these days??
Last week’s discussion was
one of those in which, by the end of the week, I felt like we had a great
discussion but I literally had to go back and check what the topic had
been. Which is perfectly fine. The conversation meandered a lot, but we
toughed on some great stuff. Reasons
versus resets. Others knowing, and the associated vulnerability and
embarrassment. Exceeding one’s
limits. Asking for a spanking. Going to
pros. Older women. Maternal discipline.
There was a lot of good stuff
that I’ll need to go back and plumb for future topics. One that personally intrigued
me:
When
my wife was deciding whether to spank me or not, she commented that she was not
my mother and never wanted to be acting as my mother. Then she proceeded to
spank me just as my mother had -- OTK, bare bottom but not nude, with an
implement, with scolding, no sexual connotations, but comfort afterwards. While
I knew she was acting maternally, I never said so. I realized that I wanted her
to be in loco parentis without realizing it or being confused by it. That was
good for both of us.
The “in loco parentis”
comment succinctly summarized something I’ve been feeling lately, but I think I’ll
save it for a future topic.
Instead, I’ll go with this suggestion,
also from KOJ:
Possible
topic: Describe occasions where you know you are about to cross the line and
earn yourself a spanking. Does that knowledge often act as a deterrent? Or do
you often do it (whatever) anyway? If so, why? Are you testing her to see what
will happen? Are you hoping to earn a spanking? Is your male ego just doing
what it wants to do? Have you not been spanked enough for this particular
behavior to have learned your lesson? Or ...?
I’ll take the liberty of also
re-posting ZM’s responsive comment:
DD
has allowed me to change behaviors and especially attitudes, but I can never
think of a time that I chose to act differently or not exhibit an attitude
because I thought it may result in a spanking. Rather, I have changed because
DD allowed me to see things differently, and often from her perspective, and
that is what brought about change.
The
exception to this was when we were doing weekly check-ins with goals and
punishments. Those did provide strong motivation, and I often changed my
behavior to avoid punishment. Even there, however, I cannot think of a time
that I chose to do something anyway, knowing it might result in punishment, nor
did I want to test her. Rather, sometimes I did my best, or at least what I
thought was my best, and it simply wasn't enough. Or sometimes there were
things that I didn't have complete control over that kept me from meeting
goals. And finally, especially with diet, I would go ahead and eat something
because I wanted to, but always with my over-optimistic idea that I would work
harder or follow the diet better the other days to still hit my target. I never
thought "maybe this will get me punished, but I am going to do it
anyway," but rather I thought "it will be ok, because I still have
plenty of time to hit my target."
This
one is kind of a tough one for me to answer, probably because there really aren’t
that many times that I know I am about to cross the line. And, it’s very
rare, if ever, that I test her to see what will happen, and I can confidently
say that I never do something in hopes of earning a spanking.
The
closest I come to going over a known line is probably not paying enough attention to
a known risk because I have, in fact, repeatedly gotten away with similar behavior.
Though, even that is pretty rare.
And, on a very few occasions, I probably do consciously decide to take the risk because it's something I want to do more than I fear the spanking for doing it.
A
counter-example may serve best to illustrate that the underlying reason
probably lies in KOJ’s question: “Have you not been spanked enough for this
particular behavior to have learned your lesson?” I talked about how a few weeks ago Anne
thought I was driving too fast and threatened not just one spanking, but a
spanking every day for a week, if I got a ticket. What did I do? I slowed down. Reluctantly and grudgingly,
but I slowed down.
What would have happened
if she had threatened just one spanking?
Honestly, there is a good chance I would have taken the risk. I’ve been spanked dozens of times, and a
ticket didn’t seem very likely, so the cost-benefit analysis of speeding might
have tilted in the direction of doing what I wanted. But, getting
spanked every day for a week? Just the thought of that was “enough.”
That’s
a fairly unique case, in which I did engage in some conscious risk assessment. Usually, I either tend to drift over lines
without thinking about them, or the offense itself is about being careless and
forgetful.
The best example is probably my ongoing problem with
leaving doors unlocked or not ensuring that the garage door closes fully before
I go inside. It happens fairly often,
even though it really pisses Anne off. If
I know it pisses her off, why do I still forget? I’m definitely not testing her, or deliberately disobeying, or hoping for
a spanking.
And, it’s not like I’m consciously
blowing off her concerns even if I don’t share them to the same extent. Instead, I simply get distracted and don’t
notice a door is unlocked before I leave or get distracted and don’t watch the
garage door go all the way down when I go into the house.
Those
failings definitely are my fault, but there also is the issue of whether Anne
is escalating enough to guarantee that she overcomes my forgetfulness. The fact
is, we have talked about making that a “no tolerance” offense, and she always
agrees that it should be . . . then she lets me off the hook.
It happened
just last week. I came back from a dog walk. Thirty minutes later, I was
sitting in my office and Anne was leaving for the gym when she yelled up that the
garage door was open . . . again. I yelled
down a somewhat shaky apology. I really expected I might hear something like, “Well,
I’m leaving. So, we’ll take care of your spanking when I get back.” Nope, she just left and that was the end of
it.
Hence,
the reason I chose the Lombardi quote, above. I assume that when Lombardi referred to “lack of will,” he was talking about the unsuccessful person lacking it. But, it could also be the coach/boss/leader’s lack of will, couldn’t
it? They say they want a particular result, but are they really escalating the
consequences to the point that the subject will really get how bad
the consequences will be, and how certain they will be, if they don’t
step up?
As
another example, several of us have talked about how our wives have used DD to
put some boundaries or limits around alcohol. That’s one where my forgetfulness
borders on chemically-induced amnesia.
After a couple of drinks, it’s like the possibility of a spanking simply
never enters my mind.
I’m
honestly not sure whether DD or threats of DD would change that, since it does
seem to just vanish from my conscious decision-making process. But, would that be the case if she carried through
with a threat like the threatened week of spankings for a ticket? I really don’t
know, but I do think the willingness to escalate is key. I’ve used this
spanking drawing several times, but that’s because it illustrates the
escalation concept so perfectly.
There also is the
issue of warnings. As I said, Anne did give
me a very strong, direct warning about what the consequences would be if I got
a speeding ticket on our trip. But, that really is the exception. I do think
that, at least in some circumstances, I might toe that line better, instead of
drifting right over it, if she made it unmistakably clear what would happen
otherwise.
None
of this is to say that DD is not a deterrent and hasn’t successfully been so.
It’s just been an imperfect one. Sometimes it’s because I’m willing to take a
bit of a risk for something I want to do (speeding, socializing, etc.).
Sometimes it’s because I don’t see the line that I’m about to cross. Sometimes
the behavior itself is something I’m just not paying enough attention to.
I can’t speak much to ZM’s examples. We haven’t really used DD to reinforce some
concrete goal, like losing weight. If we did, I suspect that my key failing would
be similar to his. I would make some
excuse to indulge some activity I know is bad for me, thinking that I would
double-down later, but it would instead lead to more and more backsliding.
A somewhat similar example that is an issue for me is procrastination. I often just don't get much done even though I have plenty of time. And, it's not always minor stuff or things that Anne doesn't care about. There have been medical things that Anne was probably more concerned about than I was, yet I didn't jump on getting them attended to right away. In those cases, making spanking a more effective deterrent probably would require more rigorous self-reporting, because sometimes Anne isn't aware of even the existence of the more important things I have on my to-do list and/or isn't aware that I haven't made any progress.
How
about you? Has spanking been a strong deterrent? Has in proven more effective for some things
and less so for others? What makes the difference? Do you sometimes consciously know you are
about to cross the line and earn yourself a spanking but do it anyway? Why?
Ladies,
do you recognize when your husband is going to cross that line? Is it something you seem him do often,
despite your best DD efforts? Why do you think that happens? Have you thought
about escalating the number or severity of punishments? Are there other things you’ve done to nip the
problem in the bud?
Have a great week! FYI, we are off on another
vacation next week and into the following week.
I should have reliable connectivity but it’s likely I won’t get a post out
while we’re gone. I’m going to play it
by ear and will try to keep up with comments to some extent.
