“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”- Anais Nin
Hello all. Welcome back to The Forum -- Disciplined Husbands & Disciplinary Wives. Our weekly gathering of men and women participating, or interested in participating, in Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led Relationships. I hope you all had a great week.
A week or so ago, someone brought up the possibility that some of the comments posted on this blog are fictional. Could be. I have no idea whether any particular comment is wholly true, mostly true or not at all true. I also don't really care that much, as long as they are on topic. Some of the best stories on the old Disciplinary Wives Club website were fiction, but they illustrated what a DD relationship could be and, in doing, served an inspirational purpose. Fictional or not, they provided ideas and guideposts.
Domestic Discipline and FLR relationships seldom start wholly formed. Instead, one party proposes it to the other. They talk, they plan, they experiment. Hopefully, things move forward, perhaps not always smoothly, but forward nonetheless. But, it's probably inevitable that real life, with all its distractions and compromises, doesn't always match up to the parties' ideal desires, goals and dreams.
Assuming that is the case for most of us who are trying to construct real DD and FLR relationships, what is the gap between your fantasy and your reality? What would that "ideal" DD relationship and your role in it look like? More discipline and consequences? A more strict spouse? What role would you and your spouse play if you could make your DD or FLR all you want it to be? And, what would you be willing to do differently or act differently to make it happen.
This topic comes from Anna, who has become one of our only active Disciplinary Wife commenters the last few weeks. Marisa, Holly, Merry and others . . . I hope you all are still with us and merely caught up in the busyness of life.
I hope you all have a great week. If you are new to our Forum, please take a moment to visit our Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about your DD or FLR relationship.
I also have thought that some stories are fiction/fantasy. However it would be impossible for Dan to distinguish what is real and what is made up. It's unfortunate that a woman decided she wouldn't try it because of a fictitious comment. Perhaps the way for her to look at it is that there are all kinds of kinks out there and only some or even a few appeal to most people. I avidly read in groups on FetLife and see all kinds of things that don't appeal to me.
ReplyDeleteIt would be difficult enough for Dan as it is to come up with a new topic each week and keep the conversation civil at the same time. Trying to figure out what is real and what is fake would be too much. I think the way to look at it is if something doesn't appeal to someone the best bet is to simply ignore it.
I_ObeyHer
(my FetLife name)
I love the whole: "that could never happen in real life" comments. As a writer I can't tell you how many times I've gotten a comment like that on one of my fictional short stories. The irony is, the stories that tend to get those comments, while 'fictionalized' to some degree, were all based on actual people, real events as they actually happened, and the exact dynamic I live in. (I guess I should be honored that others find my lifestyle too good to be true. I often feel the same way.)
ReplyDeleteAs for the topic of the week? I don't have much to offer. Our DD is a very fluid and even changing thing..............adapting itself to where we both are emotionally. As such, it does tend to mirror life itself in all of its joys and disappointments. So in trying to say how I would want my DD to go ideally, I'd really be saying how idyllically I'd like my life to go. And who gets that?
Totally agree that if others find your lifestyle too good to be true, you're definitely doing something right.
DeleteHi Dan. I hope all is well. Glad you found the shout-out to your blog. You facilitate such great discussion and hubby and I are both fans!
ReplyDeleteI've got to jump in and vent. Fantasy has been a tricky issue for us. My husband harbored the DD fantasy for sometime before sharing. After we began to implement some aspects of it, he loved it but there were still issues. Sometimes, the way I did things did not match up to his fantasies. The reality wasn't the way he had envisioned it. This caused him to try and lead from the bottom, so to speak. We finally had a conversation where I laid down the law: either I'm in charge or I'm not. If I'm in charge then that means he must accept my actions and the way I choose to be the HOH, not how he thinks I should be.
Topping from the bottom, leading from the bottom, or whatever you choose to call it, seems to be a major issue with many. I hear from a number of people who make me think some supposedly "submissive" husbands are actually the most dominant men I know of! I can't correct their behavior but you bet I can correct my hubby's! Truly being submissive means accepting a wife's authority even if it is not exactly how one thought it would be or wants it to be! Sometimes his submission means accepting that I don't always want to be "on." Sometimes it means accepting that I choose not to punish him. And other times it means accepting whatever discipline I see fit. That's my take, anyway.
As far as fictional stories, my husband loves reading them. He was frustrated because everything on the Kindle seemed to be geared toward the "dominatrix" set and not loving marriages where DD is practiced. That being said, sometimes the fiction is wholly unrealistic and pure fantasy. I wouldn't do half that stuff I write about! But he likes it because fantasy is his outlet. I suppose it's like that for many of us. I read cozy mysteries to be entertained and as an escape. I'll never be a baker in a quaint New England town who solves murders in random intervals. But it sure is fun to think about! My main gig is writing chick lit and light mysteries. I'd never dreamed of strict wife tales until my husband asked me to write some. Long story short, much of them are pure fantasy, save for one or two. But I agree with you: it's impossible to know on blog or forum comments what is real and what is fabricated. Okay, sorry to rant. :)
In my opinion, your blog is the most grounded in reality! Thanks for keeping the conversation going. You rock!!!
Dear Rebecca, If you want DD stories with the ring of truth in them, may I suggest you visit my website? I would be very surprised if you couldn't find something there to enjoy.
Deletehttp://www.mattmansfigures.homestead.com/colfire.html
Hi Rebecca. I really enjoyed your book. And, flattery will get you everywhere. :-)
DeleteI don't doubt a bit that many men who say they are -- or say they want to be -- submissive are very dominant by nature. I could myself in the latter category. I'm not a "natural" submissive at all, and it is very hard for me to give up control and let someone lead. I also think that sometimes the "topping from below" happens because 9 times out of 10 it is the man who initiates these relationships, which also probably means he has some per-conceived notions about what it was that caused him to be interested in the lifestyle.
I distinguish to some extent between "topping from below" and communicating your own needs and desires. I think that if an FLR is to be successful, the latter really has to happen, with communication from both parties happening A LOT. If the relationship meets one party's needs but not the others, it is unlikely to last over time.
So, I would probably give up on DD and FLR if I felt like my own needs weren't being met. That means if I need a strong hand and she consistently fails to deliver that, I would probably just give up. But, I also have had to learn to take her direction when things go in a direction that meets her needs but may not appeal to me. An example is "service submission" with the whole emphasis on doing chores, bringing her things she asks me to bring, etc. I originally suggested she try more of that in order to enhance her dominance. But, I really, really did not like it. But, life being life, she did and has since made it a core part of her HoH status. It is something that I have had to learn to at least accept. And, truth be told, one reason I hate it is precisely because it makes me do something I don't want to do, which is paradoxically what I have always said I want out of an FLR, i.e. balancing out my own control freak tendencies by making me take direction from someone else.
Dan, I totally understand and agree! Communication is key! I want hubby sharing his needs with me. I just don't want fits if things don't play out exactly as he wants them to. ;)
DeleteAnd good for your Mrs. on assigning chores! Be careful what you wish for, huh?
Thanks again for the great discussion and kind words regarding the book!
"Be careful what you wish for . . ." Definitely! Some things seem so much more attractive in theory than in practice.
DeleteDAN
Delete.. and many times in doing it makes it even better than you thought it could be.
Peter
Peter, I know, I know, I know. As you well know, just hard as hell at the time. Ironically for the guy running this blog, I'm actually well-behind many on the FLR front. DD is, to some extent, fairly easy. Do bad things. Bend over. Take a spanking. Move forward. Really doing things on a daily basis that are against your "natural" state is so much harder. But, hopefully, with a lasting effect that helps sand off those edges that many disciplined and FLR husbands want sanded, hence their interest in this lifestyle.
DeleteDan
DeleteYour response to Peter tell me it is exactly why you need this as much as Peter does. Makes me love how open you are.
Anna
Thanks,Anna. I think I could be in much worse company than your Peter. Hope you are both well.
DeleteFound this discussion very interesting. I fall into the camp of those who prefer integrity in the posts. And I personally don't agree with the rationalization that it's perfectly fine for people to claim fake stories are the real thing as long as they are entertaining.
ReplyDeleteBut hey, that's me. A lot of people love WW wrestling and they all know it's fake. So maybe it's like that in the wild wild world of the Internet. But, if one can, by chance, find a place where people are being genuine and honest it sure is a wonderful thing.
Joe2,
ReplyDeleteDan my ideal relationship would be that my wife enjoy spanking me. For those that remember my earlier posts, I do not live in a FLR. But spanking relieves tension better than two bottles of wine- without the hangover. My wife accepts the role of spanker reluctantly and she really enjoys the results of the spanking. She just doesn't like the concept, nor her role. Having said that, she is emphatic that if anyone is going to spank me, it needs to be her. So like the the song, I might not get what I want, but I get what I need.
Hi Joe2, your wife is obviously a very supportive person for doing something for you that she does not enjoy. I hope you are both able to work that out over time in a way that meets both your needs.
DeleteGood for Joe2 and his wife. What he described is a great example of a supportive relationship and we must assume, or at least hope, that he is highly supportive to her too.
DeleteA salute to that good woman.
To Joe2---I do not want a paddling but every so often get a bare paddling from my wife----who by the time she paddles me has every right to --so no argument from me---we both know when its got to happen----I agree with you about only taking it from my wife--- I am shy I would never want another woman to even see my naked butt--much less paddle it---It hurts on my butt like crazy--but it sure settles things fast --so when its got to happen--I just want to get it over with asap
ReplyDelete