The Forum -- Vol. 115 -- Trust, but Verify

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum.  Our weekly gathering for those practicing or interested in in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships.

For those of you in the U.S., I hope you had a great Thanksgiving.  These long weekends are somehow never quite long enough, are they?

Last week, we dealt with the topic of "asking for it."  While many couples have apparently built asking for a spanking or punishment into their relationships, others have not.   There seemed to be two reasons offered by the "no asking" crowd.  First, some believe that asking for or suggesting punishment undermines her authority.  Second, a somewhat surprisingly large number didn't ask for a very simple reason -- they didn't want to get spanked!  For this group, spanking clearly is punishment and not something they have any desire to seek out. 

This reminds me a little of when I was growing up, in a part of the country where corporal punishment was the norm in schools.  For many of us, the rule handed down by our parents was, "If you get a spanking at school, you can expect to get it even worse when you get home."  That kind of duplicative  retribution placed a big emphasis, of course, on trying to hide the evidence of the original crime and its school-based consequences.  The school would send the student home with a note, which often mysteriously vanished on the way.  Yet, somehow, it was rare that the parents didn't find out through some alternative route.

They say confession is good for the soul, yet it is clear from last week's discussion that a significant number of our readers are not going to voluntarily own up to bad behavior.  I have certainly been guilty of this myself, on many occasions.  So, this week's topic is, what mechanisms have our disciplinary couples put in place to monitor bad behavior?  Self-reporting has its limits, but have you taken steps to formalize it in some way to root out evidence of the offense?  What else do you do beyond self-reporting?  Monitor credit cards?  Check emails and text messages?  Use apps like "Find my Friends" to check up on where the disciplined party is hanging out?  Cultivate relationships with friends or co-workers who will tattle?  Finally, what happens if the Disciplinarian finds out about a lack of full disclosure?

Have a great weekend! 

Dan

The Forum -- Vol. 114 -- Asking For It

Hi all, and welcome back to the Forum, our weekly gathering of men and, increasingly, women who are participating or interested in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships. Thanks again to all our Lurkers who stepped up to the virtual microphone last week.  I hope at least a few of you will stick around as regular contributors.

"You're really asking for it!"  A phrase used in frustration by  moms, Disciplinary Wives, and frustrated partners, probably the world over.  But what about literally "asking for it?"  When, if ever, should the disciplined spouse speak up when they've been bad and need to be punished, or when they feel out of control and need tighter boundaries imposed?  There are a lot of different views on this.  Some have expressly agreed that the disciplined spouse can "ask for it" when they feel a punishment has been earned or they need to offer up that act of penance, or when they just feel the need for it.  Others see it as "topping from below."  Others not only allow it, but require it as part of the spanking ritual.


I know many on this forum go in adifferent direction on this, and it is an issue I can see from both sides.  I've never quite bought the whole "topping from below" concept as applicable in a DD context, as opposed to Femdom and BDSM.  I just see it as very problematic if taken so far that one spouse can't express their needs.  I also suspect that many "tops" dramatically over-estimate their own ability to read and fully understand the other parties' wants and needs and then make unilaterally good decisions on whether and how to meet those needs.  But, there are lots of variations and degrees of control in these relationships, and my wife expressed one of them.

So, what role, if any, does "asking for it" play in your relationship?  I do realize, by the way, that we have done this one before, but it has been awhile.

Dan

The Forum -- Vol. 113 -- Reader Poll, Love our Lurkers Cont., and a Reader Question

Hi all, and welcome back to the Forum, our weekly gathering of men and, increasingly, women who are participating or interested in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships.  Welcome to you all, and particularly our Lurkers.  While the Love Our Lurkers event officially ended yesterday, I would like to keep it running on this blog at least through the weekend, as I know some people are too busy to stop by during the week.  So, to all our Lurkers, this is a continuing invitation to jump into the conversation.

We had another poll close, and I will say in advance that I am going to keep a heavy thumb on the "Moderator" button for this one, because politics by its very nature tends to divide more than unite. But, in my ongoing attempt to ferret out who this little (or not so little -- hard to say) community of ours is comprised of, and given that I am kind of a political junkie myself and it is debate season, I did want to see what we could learn about where our readers lean politically.  Participation on this one was low -- only 60 votes, which may itself indicate that this was a sensitive topic.  The results were:

Democrat	15 (25%)
Republican	20 (33%)
Independent	16 (26%)
Other	4 (6%)
None	5 (8%)

With participation this low, it's hard to say anything very meaningful, other than that these do not mirror the population as a whole. According to Gallup: "An average 43% of Americans identified politically as independents in 2014, establishing a new high in Gallup telephone poll trends back to 1988. In terms of national identification with the two major parties, Democrats continued to hold a modest edge over Republicans, 30% to 26%."  Among those of our readers who participated,  Independents and Democrats are virtually tied, while Republicans held a lead of 4-5 points.  While it might be tempting to look at these results and conclude that Republicans are more interested in DD and FLR than Democrats and Independents, keep in mind that one of our previous polls showed that this blog's readership tilts heavily toward the over-50 age demographic, and Republicans outnumber Democrats in that age group by a significant margin.   Our age-related poll also showed that very few of our readers are in their 20s and early 30s, while people in that age cohort tilt very heavily Independent or unaffiliated.  Therefore, those age-related demographic aspects of our particular readership could alone could account for a lot of the split we see in this poll.With that little bit of demographic insight, or lack thereof, addressed, on to our actual topic.

The inspiration for this week's topic comes from the combination of a reader inquiry that came to me by email, and a conversation I had (again by email), with another reader.  They raised separate issues, but the more I thought about it, there was a common theme that seemed worth discussing. The initial reader inquiry (I am not revealing his name, because he has not given me express permission to do so) was centered on what to do when the disciplinarian feels they themselves need discipline or atonement?  It's a hard set of options in some ways.  The couple could try "switching."  There are, for example, versions of  the Spencer Spanking Plan that encourage mutual disciplinary spankings.  However, for the reader who contacted me, it wouldn't work, because it would undermine the F/m authority they want to keep in place.  He also just wouldn't feel comfortable spanking a woman.  (I share that issue, by the way.  I have no problem at all with those who switch or with the those in consensual M/f spanking relationships, and I welcome them to come and participate in our more F/m oriented group.  But, I personally couldn't give a disciplinary spanking to any woman.)  Another option might be a professional disciplinarian, or even a fellow non-professional disciplinarian who could lend a helping hand, so to speak.  But, how do you deal with finding the right one, assuring that they are safe and sane, etc.?

The related question that came to my mind is, do many of our Disciplinary Wives, in fact, ever have the desire to be disciplined themselves? I also wondered whether this also reflects another kind of natural division among those who adopt this lifestyle -- some react to stress and being out of control by wanting to exercise more leadership and more control, while others react to those same forces by wanting to stop controlling everything and by handing the reins over to someone else.  I definitely fit in the latter camp.  The whole reason I found DD attractive was it gave me a way to step back from the control I have to exercise in the rest of my life.

So, I know this topic is a little nebulous, but any advice for our fellow reader who would like to meet his wife's infrequent but real need for some atonement?  And, what is your own reaction to feeling out of control or stressed?  Do you want to exercise more control, or give it up to someone else?

Have a great week.

Dan

Love Our Lurkers

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The Forum -- Volume 112 -- Concrete Steps

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum -- our weekly gathering of men and women engaged or interested in F/m domestic discipline and female led relationships.  I hope you all had a great week.

I've been thinking a lot about leadership lately, in terms of both our DD relationship and things at work.  Obviously, some people assume leadership roles more readily than others.  Some people aspire to be leaders.  Some actively resist it.  Dominance is maybe leadership on steroids.  It seems clear that people have different inclinations toward being leaders or followers, and also varying capacities to play those roles.

It's always an over-simplification to try to divide people or relationships up into two general types, but I do feel like there are two broad categories of DD relationships. First, those where one, and hopefully both parties, are acting in the role that fits their natural inclinations.  The naturally dominant person is in charge, and more subservient party is the follower.  In the second camp are those like Angela and I, where one or both parties are taking on a role that cuts against the grain of his or her base nature.  Outside our DD relationship, I am by far the more aggressive, type-A, Alpha spouse.  We chose the path of DD precisely because it helps us grow and mature and balance, by taking on the opposite role.

I'm glad that we did it and that it is growing deeper.  But, it is undeniably hard sometimes.  It's hard for someone whose core nature involves a need to rebel to submit to someone's authority.  Likewise, it is hard (maybe harder) for someone who is not entirely comfortable leading to project authority, make decisions, and to punish when necessary.  A fellow DD blogger and one of the few out there blogging from a female perspective, Rhiannon at  learningandlivingaflr.blogspot.com, is very into  coming up with concrete steps for nudging each party toward growing as leader and follower, respectively. Such as my wife assigning more chores and ordering me to do things around the house.  It is one aspect of our growing FLR relationship that I really, really do not gravitate to. In fact, I hate it at the time it is happening.  But, it serves a constructive role for exactly that reason.  It is part of the humbling process.  Part of pushing me down in the pecking order and moving her up.  It also helps her get into the habit of being more directive and more commanding, so that doing so feels more natural.

Are there similar concrete steps that you have taken to encourage yourself or your partner in this process of learning to lead or to submit?  Things that have helped you to more fully accept or carry out your chosen role or that have helped your partner fulfill their role or get more comfortable with it? Please share, because there are lots of us who want to strengthen our DD and FLR relationships but may not have thought of good ways to turn goals into habits.

Have a great week.

Dan