Saturday, August 12, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 218 - The Conversation


Ask for what you want and be prepared to get it. -- Maya Angelou
 
Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of people who are in our would like to be in Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a good week. 

Mine was busy and a little stressful, though it was also one in which I found some preconceptions challenged, and in a good way.  Several weeks ago, I alluded to a problem I had created for myself at work.  It involved misinterpreting (maybe) something that someone had said to me, resulting in me going off on them in a way that wasn't appropriate regardless of whether I did, in fact, misinterpret their intentions.  I got a hard and well-deserved spanking as a result of itWell, this week I found myself spending a large chunk of time with the person in question.  Turns out we have a hell of a lot in common, and not just in terms of volatile and aggressive personalities.  We not only grew up in very similar environments.  Eerily similar.  Interacting with him was also interesting, because it gave me an opportunity to watch someone whose behavior is so similar to my own, and what I observed was that his aggressiveness and controlling approach to things was effective.  I've spent a lot of energy at work the last year or so trying to tone down my own level of aggressiveness, because it has capped my upward movement to some extent. But, the bottom line is, for my profession it kind of works.  I was thinking about all this in relation to comments Fred has made here from time to time about not wanting to use DD to become more submissive in any other aspect of his life. Weirdly, I was thinking about those comments right before he suddenly popped up again with a comment after several weeks off.  I also had been thinking some things along these lines due to the  death of Sam Shepard, one of my favorite actors and playwrights, whose characters and writing often explore themes of what it means to be a man.  So, the week had that sense of the Universe sending me some signals that in experimenting with FLR and trying to be more submissive at home, I really don't want to be any less aggressive, controlling or, for lack of a better word, manly in the rest of my life.  The challenge, of course, is not to over-rotate on this and fall into a pattern of truly unhealthy and unhelpful behavior.

Anyway, we didn't get much of a conversation going last week.  I suspect people are distracted with summer quickly coming to an end.  Re-plowing old ground may also bore some of the regulars, but I still want to go in the direction I set out last week, focusing more on content that helps people who think they want one of these relationships explore how to do it. 

"I want you to spank me.  For real. If I do something bad or something you don't like, I want you to take down my pants and give me a real spanking.  I want you to use spankings to make me truly want to do better and to make me really regret it when I don't."

That's what this week's topic is about.  How do you have that conversation?  Last week we talked a little about why some of us were driven to Domestic Discipline and what we hoped to get out of it.  I assume that for most of us, the desire preceded the reality. In other words, we realized we wanted to try this kind of relationship, and then took some action to get there.  For my wife and me, that took the form of a conversation I initiated.  As I explained last week, I had found the Disciplinary Wives Club website, became more than little obsessed with it, and ended up telling my wife about it.  While I may have started the conversation with a lighthearted, cavalier tone ("Hey honey, I found this interesting website today . . ."), I did in that same conversation fess up that this was something I wanted to try, though I was also honest that it kind of scared the hell out of me.  She was intrigued enough to take a look at the website the next day.  Had I not been honest about my desire to try this, and had I not put myself out there and shown some real vulnerability during that first conversation, I'm not sure she would have gone any further.  It was me admitting that I wanted to at least try this and being very open about why that gave her the emotional incentive to follow up and to take it seriously.

For us, the biggest hurdle was probably her concern that if I "wanted" to be spanked for doing something bad, wouldn't the spanking just reinforce the bad behavior?  To get over that, I was clear from the begging that I wasn't suggesting erotic spankings or spanking as foreplay. Not in any way, shape or form.  I was suggesting real spankings, like some of us got as kids from parents or at school.  These would be spankings that would leave me chastened, reddened, very sore and possibly in tears.  The goal was to make the paddling bad enough that I would really, really want to avoid another at all costs.  I also told her that I recognized that my behavior was often hurtful or inconsiderate but, because of the way we were both raised, she did not feel she could do very much about it other than pout and engage in other passive-aggressive behaviors.  The conversation was very much about us consciously deciding to empower her and dis-empower me, in order to bring a sense of balance to the relationship.  I emphasized that she would be able to set the rules and enforce them at will and that, while it would be a struggle for me, I was agreeing as a condition of the new relationship that I had to give in to her discipline, whenever and wherever she chose.

It was also important that she see that this wasn't about dungeons and leather and all those S&M or BDSM trappings that may turn on some women but likely scare off many more from.  So, that too was part of the conversation. I wasn't asking her to change who she was or adopt some new persona.  She got to stay exactly who she was but with new authority and power.
That initial conversation was critical to getting us started down this path.  Without it, my recently discovered obsession with this thing called Domestic Discipline would have remained just an unfulfilled fantasy. 

Did your Domestic Discipline relationship start with a similar conversation?  Did you have to convince a reluctant spouse?  How did you get them to be comfortable with the idea at least enough to try it?  And, while we don't get a lot of postings from dominant spouses who initiated the disciplinary relationship, it does occur.  Holly being one example, but there are others.  I would love to hear from more women who decided they wanted this kind of relationship and acted on it.  What was that conversation like?  

Also, I've added a new poll, this one on written DD contracts and formal written rules.  

I hope you all have a good week.

58 comments:

  1. I don't remember my wife being particularly reluctant. Shortly before we were married, I sold this to her as a way of getting negative feelings out her system and then drawing a line under them before coitus. I suppose she briefly mentioned some reluctance to inflict pain on me, but I told her I would rather have this and get it over with than say months (or even years) of negative feelings, the silent treatment etc. I deal with this by making sure to embrace and kiss her profusely both before and after the spanking.

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  2. Dan

    Wow! This week I think there are at least five weeks of comments I have but I will stick to the question you asked women at the end of the blog. I will try to keep this concise.

    Peter and I lived together for two years before we married. I had my career and he had his. Both of us worked long hard hours and all domestic expenses and chores were divided down the middle. In our separate careers we both were like you describe yourself in the workplace. Both were aggressive and tended to push to get our way in business.

    When we married both of us agreed we wanted to start a family while we were still young enough to enjoy kids. As fate would dictate we had twins and that alone threw a large wrench into our plans. I stopped working in my fifth month due to problems. Luckily our boys were bornhealthy and we brought them home and I was prepared for our new life. Peter was not.

    Before the boys were one I felt the 50/50 partnership had disappeared. Peter began making decisions without consulting me. When I worked we had a housekeeper and our home was spotless and there was always a refrigerator stocked and full. That went away. When I worked if Peter forgot to call that he was going to be late, it wasnt a big deal. I was one of the lucky people that could bring home my work. Our sex life that first year sucked. Peter began speaking to me as he would his secretary. The topper was when he put a down payment of a second home without even telling me. We were no longer equal partners. He paid all the bills and felt therefore he was within his rights to do as he pleased. By the time the boys were two I was ready to call the marriage quits. We went to a marriage counselor and it was there that
    Peter confessed when he got out of hand for him he used to go to a professional domme who spanked him. He wanted me to know it was only punishment no sex.

    I have told this story before but I went to see her and learned what she did how to do it and in time learned how to set limits if broken would lead to DD. I read all I could and slowly began to treat this as I would with any project when I worked. It has worked. Peter and I agreed to a set of rules and when he mistakes his home for his office trust me he is going to spend the weekend feeling the wrath of his own belt. What is the reward for me? Slowly I feel I am a partner again and not a wife.

    Anna

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    1. Hi Anna. This is an illustration of one of the main reasons I suggested DD. It wasn't because I wanted an equal, and that wasn't really where our relationship was at that point. I maybe didn't take it quite as far as you say Peter did (putting a down payment on a house without a conversation would have set off months of ill will at the very least), but it was still true that I had an aggressive and bombastic personality, while her way of dealing with confrontation was through the kind of passive-aggression she saw at home growing up. While I understand why some people would have issues with corporal punishment, I felt like it was a far more direct and effective means of addressing marital conflict, and it did a lot to even out the power imbalance.

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    2. Dan
      Let me take issue with one thing you said above. If Peter said to me "It wasnt because I wanted an equal"... well he would not be sitting down for a few months. A marriage has to be a 50/50 proposition in my book.
      Anna

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    3. Sorry, something got lost in the editing in my comment. I had intended to say that I didn't want an "unequal" relationship, with someone "above me." I somehow garbled the last part of what I intended to say with that sentence. My whole point when I initiated the DD conversation was I wanted an equal relationship, and ours really was not equal at that point. I was the more dominant force in it, and it was that dynamic I was hoping to change.

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    4. Dan

      Sorry to give you such a bad time, but it is fun !

      Love u
      anna

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    5. My fault for sloppy editing on that one!

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  3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  4. Knowing that you've been looking for new topics, when I saw the title for this week's post, I initially thought we were going to analyze the classic and top-notch 1974 Gene Hackman movie about surveillance......but I see that is not the case.

    Our initial DD conversation was far briefer than I would have imagined prior to speaking up, and as I've said before, Rosa did not need any convincing. To her it just made perfect sense.

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    1. I love Hackman (Hoosiers is probably my all-time favorite sports movie, unless Rocky counts as a sports movie) but haven't seen that one.

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    2. You should check it out. Hackman can do most anything from action to comedy, but I like him best when he takes on dark, edgy roles with no easy answers like Popeye Doyle or Little Bill Daggett. "The Conversation" is a lesser known film but very highly rated.

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    3. The Unforgiven -- great flick. One of the best Westerns ever.

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  5. Hi Dan,

    The woman who introduced me to spanking was vanilla but had a positive attitude toward spanking as a necessary corrective. Early in our relationship I told her I thought I would benefit from some corporal punishment once in a while but at the time i was more in a exploratory mood rather than actually expecting a spanking. She also knew separately that I had been spanked growing up.All she said during that conversation was that she had observed that I had some "self destructive" tendencies she thought she could correct. That was it for three weeks or so when one Sunday night she showed up at my apartment with a custom paddle and administrated easily the hardest spanking I had ever had until that time, leaving me in the corner with instructions to call her in exactly 45 minutes to talk about what had just happened. Withing a month or so I was spending regular time over her lap dealing with my destructive tendencies.
    Alan

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    1. Hi Alan. Care to give any details about that follow-up conversation? How did you both react to the event?

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    2. I probably have forgotten most of the detail but I know she was very interested in knowing whether I was ready to accept her authority to spank me when she decided it was necessary. Throughout our relationship she was always insistent that there be no limitations on her authority. She really drilled that into me.I also remember being told that the speaking had probably been the hardest I would get but it would be repeated if necessary.She was wrong about that because I received many much more severe spankings from her as our relationship developed but that spanking that night shocked me for a long time and even though I told her I was ready to accept her total authority , it was a while before I really did leading very close to a breakup in our relationship before I fully submitted.
      Alan

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    3. Thanks, Alan. It's interesting that she went so quickly from vanilla to very insistent on being in charge with no limitations. Some women certainly do take to DD like the proverbial ducks to water . . .

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  6. Our 'conversation' was a bit different. Soon after we met and she asked me to move in, I explained completely my desire to have a female-led DD relationship. I had had two previously and wanted no other kind of relationship. Her family were toy makers and vended at national BDSM shows, so she was no stranger to the BDSM world. She said if that is what you want, it will happen, adding "I know how to spank". Believe me, she does. She does not like to punish but will do it very effectively. We drafted up behavioral patterns and infractions. She said these will be real spankings, no fooling around. I was to be stripped for all spankings or at least bare bottom. She would control when the discipline was due, the amount of strokes, the position, the implement, the duration and the harshness. I could not contest her decision on any of the above points, only accept. After the punishment, the issue was absolved and over, never to be brought up again. After being together ten years, I admit it was the best decision I ever made.

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  7. She was vanilla but pro spanking and when I explained adult spanking she got it right away. Also she knew what I wanted and felt it was something I needed as well. Many times she expressed some version of " Allan, I cannot imagine being in a relationship with you without having this sanction (spanking). She was just very comfortable being a disciplinarian and would have been a disciplinarian even if spanking wasn't available to her
    Alan

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    1. Sounds like old fashioned Bayou Bottom warming to me. Good for you!

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  8. In my contribution last week I described how I initiated the DD component of our marriage. We had played with erotic spankings but it was my hubby’s attitude that prompted me to introduce real punishments. I gave him a very hard whipping (as I explained) and then discussed, while hugging him, how our marriage had to change. I listed all his behavioral issues that were causing me distress and informed him they would be incorporated into a disciplinary contract that I expected him to agree. Since this was a new and elevated psychological level for both of us and a dramatic change in our life style I was deeply concerned that he would resist. He expressed his concerns and I listened. I made sure that he understood that I did not want to change his positive attributes or to control or dictate how he lived. I simply wanted to make the marriage more equitable since he was making most of the major decisions with little or no input from me. I wanted the marriage to go from his 65:35 to a 50:50 marriage. This is very similar to Anna’s comment above. I did not want a full blown FLR where I was completely in charge I just wanted more consideration from Tim. I also outlined that I wanted to strengthen Tim not weaken him in any way so none of my punishments would be intended to humiliate or degrade him in any way. Tim was a true trooper in his response he agreed a change was necessary since he had realized I had become withdrawn and quiet so he accepted my rules. Since I was still unsure about how our precious relationship might sour I instructed Tim that for two weeks I wanted to know exactly how he felt about each day’s activities. I informed him that I had a log of his poor behavior which would warrant at least four punishment sessions in the two weeks and I wanted him to write down how he felt when I ordered a punishment, when he was waiting naked, during the punishment and after it was over. I instructed him to give me a daily record of his feelings – all of them even if they were negative like resentment or anger. I told him if he failed with this daily record we would have to take a break and consider other options to get our marriage on the right track. To make him understand how conflicted I felt about the arrangement at this early stage I told him that I would also keep a daily record of my feelings – including how I was reluctant to cause him pain but also how I really enjoyed whipping him. After one week we went on a date night and compared notes. We adjusted a few activities to reflect each other’s needs. We also agreed to write down a list of what each of us wanted to achieve from this DD and I was surprised to discover that he wanted me to be even more severe than I had been when he upset me deeply. It was then that I realized how much he truly loved me and how much real pain he was prepared to accept to convince him to change. I must admit it was difficult for him to control his deeper emotions and anger but one uplifted finger from me reminded him of the agony of a potential 36 vicious cane stroke punishment. As part of the discussion on this blog I would really like to understand if the various contributors take time out of their relationships to openly discuss each of the partners’ honest opinions about how the DD is working for them – or if more FLR is required. Like for you Dan do you have a date night with your wife where you can talk openly about how your relationship is working? Alan do you get a chance to discuss the success or failure of certain activities? Anna and Peter you seem to be very similar to us – do you set aside time to chat openly with no dom/sub rules? I would love to know how others communicate – this is such a powerfully emotional lifestyle.

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    1. Hi Tina. My wife and I talk a lot about having date nights to talk about the DD aspects of our relationship, but they don't happen nearly as often as intended. Maybe three times a year or less. It's too bad, because I feel like we make a lot of progress. I also send her a journal regularly, but the communication tends to be very one way, with me telling her what is going on with me but not a lot of verbal feedback on that. We have been talking for some time about doing a "boot camp," which would include some structured communication about what we both want, how far we want to take things, etc. It has just been hard to find the concentrated time away to do it.

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    2. May I reply as well, Tina?? We discuss our relationship often. Sometimes after a discipline spanking. We usually agree that things are working very well. At least once a year, we review our original commitment and tweak the rules or punishments as needed.

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    3. Dan: Thanks for your reply. To me communication is at the heart of why my life with Tim is so amazing. By us exchanging information about what works and by him accepting that punishment helps him refocus his attitude and priorities we have been able to identify how a real punishment should be administered. I'm actually sorry that you don't seem to have the same ability for open two way communication with your wife - it's a precious gift for both of us. If my hubby simply completed a journal and handed it to me with no further communication from me I would feel strongly that I was failing him. I want him to be a stronger man and I need feedback to understand what I am doing is truly effective. By the way if my man ever wrote on a public blog that I was not communicating with him effectively he would not be sitting for a month. I'm not sure how you get away with it Dan - or maybe you don't :) We even took a video of a recent punishment and sat together to watch and we both described how we each felt at various stages of the punishment. Tim explained which strokes hurt the most and how at certain stages he found it difficult to cope. He also told me which implements were extraordinarily painful. He understood that I was logging these in my mind to use when he deserved a serious whipping. I was actually surprised at how hard I was strapping and caning his poor backside but he was excited to see the punishment from my side. I was a little embarrassed to have a series of my orgasms so clearly visible on the video but all of this shared information has created a stronger awareness of each others reactions and provides a blueprint for effective punishments (or play time).

      Spanked Cowboy: Thanks for your response. It make me happy to see that your wife openly communicates with you - I must admit I was wondering if I was the only one that expects/requires to address and amend the rules to our relationship through communication. Even though I now take responsibility to decide how hard and how long Tim's punishment is to be I trust our communication to ensure that I do nothing to damage his ego or self worth. We tried discussions directly after a serious caning but we were too anxious to get to bed and talk was not high on our agenda.

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    4. The ironic part is, for two years I didn't tell her about the blog, because I wanted to be able to talk openly. I then told her about it, and now I can talk just as openly, because she doesn't read it. :-)

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    5. Also, it's not quite accurate to say I don't get feedback on journals. She does, in fact, often change something or ramp up on in response to some comment. She just doesn't usually verbalize what she is thinking about the journal entries.

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    6. Same here with my wife not especially interested in reading about spanking stuff unless I bring something to her attention. But then again, she spent all those years conscientiously running her website. so that was probably enough :)

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    7. Tina, not sure why you should feel guilty about the orgasms: - as far as I'm concerned, if the paddling achieves that purpose for my wife, so much the better.

      I communicate with my wife in a similar way, though not with date evenings. With us, spanking precedes coitus, so as to get all negative feelings out the way first. We tend to catch up on such subjects after then or during a tender embrace the next morning before getting up.

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    8. If it were not for this blog, and the comments of others on here, My wife and I would not be talking much at all about what we expect or get out of our DD.
      Tina, you are very similar to our situation. We entered this through spanking games, mainly for her bottom but moved on to DD mainly for me. We sit and read the blog together and learn a lot about each other along the way.
      Bill

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    9. Bill, it's great that you read it together. I hope you will encourage your wife to comment. We so desperately need more female voices giving the woman's perspective on this.

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  9. Hi Dan. My partner took little convincing it was a good idea since we were already playing CP games and she had already noted a few of my traits she felt could do with ‘correcting.’
    So when I brought the matter up, the conversation was more about how to make DD work; what rules we needed and the level of punishment required to maintain the rules.
    We scoured the internet, looking at ‘case studies’ and drawing from comments we read and our own experiences. What we were looking for, was for Mistress to have the control and me to do her bidding – though with enough freedom for us both to carry on or ‘normal’ lives, allowing us both to focus on our work and social lives.
    The caveat though was that the chores would be done and I’d show more respect towards Mistress in general. Like you, I was taking control, making all the decisions. It was an imbalance that was upsetting her and even I didn’t like but somehow couldn’t change. So in future we decided not only would she have the last word on everything, I’d do as I was told without question.
    Her worry was, given my interest in CP, whether this would be a serious attempt at living within a domestic discipline regime or whether it would simply be an excuse for me to enjoy more corporal punishment games.
    Like you, I suggested that for it to be effective I felt that the rules had to be adhered to and the punishment had to be avoided at all costs rather than something erotic to enjoy.
    Mistress took me at my word and became quite strict and seemingly only to eager to use the cane, to the point where I came to almost dread it when the cane came out. Dread is probably too strong a word but I certainly had lost my enthusiasm for corporal punishment.

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    1. In agreement with Respecting Mistress. Early on we decided that punishments were to be very different from other kinds of spankings we enjoy, such as, sensual, stress relief or maintenance. Discipline spankings were to be delivered without warm up, without safe word and without aftercare. They would be strict, short and harsh. It has been working well for us and I really try to avoid punishment spankings. I will admit that after one is over and the incident forgotten, I do feel much better that the slate is clean again.

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    2. Hi
      This note is for Respecting Mistress, particularly the comment " Dread is probably too strong a word but I certainly had lost my enthusiasm for corporal punishment." I think most of us have been there either when first acclimating to severe spanking or maybe from being repeatedly punished for some chronic misbehavior. But my understanding is that discipline ended for you at least temporarily when you came to feel the dread for corporal punishment. What I don't understand is why you didn't modify your behavior at that point or why you were not able to modify it or maybe why you didn't just give in to the spanking and the feelings it was raising in you. For me something like this happened twice in my spanking history, one pretty early when I thought I couldn't bear any more of her paddle and then much later with my wife when we were trying to get masturbation under control. But both times something just took over and made me want to submit to the punishment and afterward stop the behavior that was getting me spanked.Please know I am not criticizing you at all. I just want to know why spanking didn't work for you in those situations when things you have reported and said otherwise in your blog and on here match my own experience so closely> I do understand that much or all of your discipline was using a heavy cane and my experience with the cane though not limited has never included heavy caning. So maybe that is something I just don't understand.But if you know please write a little about why spanking didn't work for you. Most of the discussions on here are about successes but we learn too from what doesn't turn out sometimes
      Alan

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  10. Very little conversation involved in our situation. It is more a evolving combination of stall setting out chats over beer/wine, some quick chats provoked by frustration building, whatsapp exchanges and reacting to situations. Works for me even tbough I am happy to talk loads because I know Mrs GL hates any relationship conversations. Cheers GLM

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    1. Wow - a woman who hates relationship conversations. That's a new one. :-)

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    2. I don't call her "blokey" for no reason LOL ( she does the DIY too). Cheers GLM.

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  12. In our case, both my wife and I grew up in a period where spanking/paddling was common at home and at school. I experienced some of both. My wife only at home. By the way we turned out to be solid successful citizens. Our children rarely got spanked, but when it was necessary they were. My wife did most of that, but certainly didn't enjoy doing it, just that I was rarely available because of business and travel. Our children are now professionals, one doctor and two lawyers, each married with their only families and doing very well. Makes you kind of think that Doctor Spock and the psychologist and sociologist community may have gotten it wrong based on what we see in the everyday news. Undisciplined young people that seem to want everything for nothing. In any event, staying on subject, introducing the Spenser Spanking Plan to my wife was no shock to her. The Plan was allegedly written to recommend spanking for a couples bad behavior as a way to improve marriages and solve problems. My wife had no problem buying into that to straighten me out where I needed to be. She had plenty of experience with spanking, just never thought she would be spanking her adult husband. We spent considerable time agreeing on behaviors that needed correction that we both agreed to. I would only be spanked for specific violations of those rules, not giving her carte blanche power. Spanking were agreed to be the only punishment and upon completion the issue would be permanently resolved. I did not change my role as leader of our family, but I did submit to spankings when I violated the agreed upon rules, and my wife agreed to be the disciplinarian carrying out her role in a meaningful way (it would be painful enough I would correct bad behavior, and she has done a good job of carrying out her responsibility and as a result, I do my best to avoid them. If she is angry with me for a rule violation I have gotten some almost unbearable paddlings. As much as I dread them, they have accomplished their purpose. I like to think we addressed our problems in a mature way realizing what had to be done to improve our marriage.

    Fred

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    1. Hi Fred. Most of the kids where I grew up were spanked as a matter of course. We haven't spanked our own kids much at all, but more because of lack of reason than philosophical opposition. I will say I like the internet motivational posters that observe something to the effect of: "I was spanked as a child. As a result I now have a psychological condition known as 'respect for others'"

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    2. Sounds like a whole new topic, I am opposed without reservation to spanking children and never considered it as a home punishment for our kids. This may be because of my upbringing (I was subjected to much school corporal punishment) or that I feel that physical punishment of minors by adults is bullying. But I respect others views. TB

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    3. I like how Anonymous put that. We did not spank our kids either.

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    4. Agreed Fred, I don't know why people have to feel that a man taking a spanking means he is not being the leader of the family. In my view, he is, as he is taking the initiative to bring harmony when there has been conflict and admit he was in the wrong.

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  13. Our 'conversation' about DD, my interest and my needs started with a letter that I wrote after c.20 years of marriage. I wrote and printed that letter and then sat with her as she read it. She gave me a big hug and that was the first of many such letters (emails) and conversations. We felt our way through to what is now quite a rigorous DD regime with a few inviolate rules which will almost always earn me a session over the bed with strap, cane, loopy johny. I am required to write my thoughts after (which TBH I get a lot out of) and I also keep a journal, esp when I am away.

    The initial conversation was pretty scary (for me) and in retrospect I am amazed at how she took it in her stride. Our first tentative session took place a few days later, as an agreed 'practice'. Those sessions became more and more 'real' over the coming months, based on a series of mail and conversations. I was encouraged to select and buy some 'tools' and to feedback the impact.

    I think the real breakthrough came when one night when I was being particularly irritating she took control, ordered me upstairs there and then (previously we have had a weekly 'catch-up) and proceeded to give me a solid spanking, with leather paddle that was pure, authentic punishment, well deserved. Suffice to say we both learned a great deal from that night! TB

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    1. Hi TB. Very similar to my experience, other than you used a letter. You say the initial conversation was scary for you, while she took it in stride. It seems like that is almost always the way it works, right? We are reluctant to raise this with our wives and scared of how they may react, then most of them seem to be open to at least trying it. And, of those who try it, most seem to take to it to one degree or another. Not all, but most. Though, I'm obviously working from a very limited dataset in asserting that.

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  14. Hi Dan,
    When I decided that I would no longer accept my husband's angry outbursts I waited for him to calm down and to offer hisi usual apology. Only this time I said that my acceptance of his apology was conditional upon him giving me the right to discipline him to correct his bad behaviours. When hubby asked how I intend to discipline him I told him that I had already ordered a tawse and that I had been researching male chastity devices. The stern tone I used in this conversation ensured that there was no debate only meek acceptance. Coming from a Scottish family where the strap was frequently used I was quite comfortable with introducing discipline to our relationship.

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    1. That's great, Blaze! Thanks for joining in.

      Dan

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    2. Blaze, It is obvious he is under your control with your knowledge and experience with the tawse and strap. My question is about the chastity device. How is your research progressing? Has he mentioned anything about being in chastity. More info on this would be helpful as I have volunteered to be placed in chastity in our relationship.

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    3. This whole 'chastity thing' is interesting (and off topic but hey, ho)

      Very early in our DD journey we agreed that all 'release' would be only by her agreement. I signed up to that virtual chastity 'lock' and have to confess any transgressions prior to a punishment session. I have also signed up to absolute honesty and so the embarrassment of the confession combined with the delicious teasing that we both seem to enjoy has made this as robust as an actual physical device. And I know that she adores this always on, virtual control. TB

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    4. Chasity has ratcheted up my wife control of me along with the punishments. The combination of discipline and control of releases has given her more than the 50-50 control described above, but I enjoy the constant sexual tension and it results in all my focus being on her, and finding ways to please her, since she holds the key to my heart and another precious location.

      John

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  15. Dan

    Hesitated for a few days, wondering if I should comment this week. Anna's description of where we were after the boys were born is honest and true.. I dont offer anything I write today as an excuse for my behavior. I was and still am overwhelmed from time to time often by everyday life.
    For awhile I lost my vision and behaved I confess like a college frat boy. When we began DD it seemed to be the solution. I dont feel I have lost anything. I truly feel I am man enough to bend over and accept the punishment I have agreed upon without becoming a wimp.
    Do I love it NO! do I need it YES!
    What I dont have after a DD session is any guilt for what I did to earn it. Does that make sense. I like that Anna is my best buddy as well as my wife.
    Peter
    * Written with a small bruise on my left cheek.

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    1. Regarding behaving like a college frat boy . . . been there, done that. And, not just in college. Many of the frat boys I went to college with *still* act that way without regret or any desire to change. You and I and those like us in these kinds of relationships at least try to grow and change and are willing to take some pretty bad consequences when we fail.

      Sorry about the bruise. I richly deserve one for some behavior last week that has not yet been addressed

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    2. Peter, I'm glad someone else understands this. Some people think submitting to CP makes them less of a man, but I have always been of the view that a big man will bend over and take it where necessary.

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    1. As I told you Sean, you are done. Go somewhere else.

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  17. Hello Dan and company - we talked about DD after I had an amazing erotic spanking and I noticed how clear my head felt. After the 30 minute paddling during a sex session, I felt myself more emotionally engaged with being a quality husband, attentive, empathetic, humble. It hurt for about 3 days, and I felt so much more energized to do things around the house. So, I asked her if we could do weekly sessions for a period of time to discuss my poor household manners -- things that had pissed her off. We went weekly for 4 weeks with the 4th week resulting of a spanking of a lifetime causing me to feel truly traumatized for a day. After my head cleared and I thanked her. We decided to do it as a more ongoing thing. Telling her that this would be her year, she is having her 50th in December, I asked her to take the lead, make decisions, do as she pleased and correct me when I fall short. It's been an amazing 9 months. Still growing more in love then ever. "Genius is the capacity for receiving and improving by discipline." (George Eliot) RCB

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    1. Sounds like a great outcome so far. Congratulations. Thanks for sharing!

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