Saturday, April 8, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 201 - What Goes on in That Head . . .

“The heaviest penalty for declining to rule is to be ruled by someone inferior to yourself.”  - Plato, The Republic

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gather of men and women who are participating or positively interested in being in Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

I hope you all had a great week.  Mine started off great, then degenerated.  I said last week that I had made some adjustments after a string of self-destructive behaviors.  It worked and worked well for almost two weeks, then kind of fell apart a couple of days ago.  And, basically the same pattern.  I had every intention of continuing my streak of positive behavior. Then, as I was leaving work I stopped to grab "one drink" with a colleague who wanted to talk about something.  Then some other people from work joined us, and the next thing you know it was three hours later. It wasn't that big a deal, but it did mean my wife was royally pissed off at me for coming home late, and after making some real progress in getting my energy and mood straightened out, I definitely lost some ground.  But, I'm trying.   I fell of the methaphorical horse and now will try to get back on again.  I'm also sitting around today wondering if she is going to order a hard spanking as a fitting consequence for this stumble.  While I really, really don't want one, I can't say that I don't deserve it.  It's also been more than a month since my last one, so if it does happen I know it is going to be extraordinarily painful.

Update: She did let me know earlier today that I will be getting one. As she put it, "A very long, very hard strapping and paddling" tonight. And, of course, my attitude has instantly swung from knowing that I need one and kind of welcoming the accountability, to hoping something happens to interfere with her plans. That's the way it always is with real spankings -- we ask for them, either literally or through our preventable behavior, then once one is ordered we would do anything to get out of it.  It has been long enough between sessions, I know this one is going to hurt so much!  But, I also do know that I deserve one like this.  Though, that doesn't make it any easier to take at the time.

This week's topic comes from CrimsonKing.  He suggested we had we haven't really explored the issue of what exactly is going on in a man's head during a spanking.  That's probably true.  While we've explored why we want to be disciplined, and how we felt after it is over, I'm not sure we have ever had a topic devoted to what he (and she) are thinking during the event itself.

I also had a hard time finding any appropriate art work.  Interestingly, almost everything I found in my collection that seemed to depict his thoughts during the spanking itself seemed to have something to do with "bringing out the boy" themes.

While it's possible that is more a reflection of my own choice in artwork than what is available out there, I don't think so, as I tend to save just about anything with a F/m spanking theme and tend to keep anything depicting spanking kids only if it is, in fact, clear that it is actually an adult being spanked but it makes him feel like a boy again.

But, in any event, what is going on in your mind during the actual event?  Counting the strokes?  Apologizing and swearing to yourself you'll never do THAT again ("that" being whatever you did for the hundredth time that put you in this position again, like me stopping to have that drink with a colleague)?  Or, do you get into some kind of "subspace" or become relaxed or meditative (something I have a hard time imagining, as "relaxed" is the last thing I am during the event).

I also don't want to leave out the ladies, though here I came up with zip for artwork focusing on their thought process during a spanking.  I did find a few, however,  that focused on what she might be thinking when considering giving him one.

So, let's do broaden it out a little where the question to our Disciplinary Wives is concerned. What are you thinking about immediately before his spanking or as you are considering ordering one.

Are you angry or disappointed?

Or, something more positive or titillating?

Excited?  Empowered?



Does it feel like a chore, or do you think of it more like a welcome opportunity to express your views and clear the air?
I hope you all have a great week.  If this is your first time visiting our group, please take a few minutes to visit our Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little bit about your DD or FLR lifestyle or desires.

38 comments:

  1. We are still pretty new at this, so my first thought is always shock and surprise at just how painful a real spanking can be.

    Then, if things are 'bearable', I get analytic - counting, anticipating. If she hit one cheek four times, will she hit the other one four also? I must admit, I feel guilty at this stage - I shouldn't be 'rating her performance' - I should be gratefully accepting her discipline.

    But generally that doesn't last. Past some threshold, the feelings build up to a near panic level - I lose count, and start concentrating on how my body is reacting and if I can squirm any way to lessen the pain of the next swat.

    At that point, the thing I never want to do again is Domestic Discipline! But I also know this is exactly what I asked for, and I don't want to chicken out. I'm just trying to endure untill it's over.

    Afterwards, of course, I'm full of endorphins, appreciation and devotion for my spectacular bride!
    CrimsonKing

    (PS: Thanks for making this topic the question of the week, Dan! I feel like John Candy in 'Splash' - when Penthosue printed his letter!)
    https://rockloveaustin.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/splashjohncandy.jpg

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    1. Hi CrimsonKing. Love the 'Splash' analogy. Coincidentally, I was thinking about Penthouse letters earlier this week when someone posted a comment on the Guestbook that began with "I never believed this would happen to me, but . . ." Totally classic signal that everything to follow is total BS though possibly still entertaining.

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  2. What's going on in MY mind??? Don't laugh, but I'm trying to figure out which implements to use. I won't even consider spanking him when I'm angry.

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    1. That actually doesn't surprise me. It's probably one downside of being into lots of implements. Too many choices!

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    2. There's no such​ thing as "too many." It's more that I want to set the right mood.

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  3. Hi Dan. By now your session is probably over and speaking for the rest of the group , we all know how you feel. .. When I'm in position and penance is being given I initially try to count the swats. At first I try to be tough and just take it but that fades quickly. She will pause momentarily and say " am I getting through through to you " and I will reflect on why I'm there in the first place. I was spanked for texting and driving a couple years ago. As the paddling progressed I felt like I would pass out and swore I would never do it again. ( and I haven't ). Friday she said we needed to do maintenance. She said a have been fine and wanted to stay that way. For the first time in years she just used her hand. Still effective and easy to count. I always say how close to her I feel afterwards. She says the same. It's a matter of love and trust or the relationship is a bust.

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    1. More on this in a separate comment, but yes, my session happened. And, interestingly, my pattern of thoughts is kind of the opposite of yours. I begin trying to give in and *not* just take it. But, if the intensity goes past a certain level, I lose the ability to give in.

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  4. Spanking Update: As some have observed, I haven't in the past used this blog for a lot of personal spanking anecdotes. That was really a conscious choice, with various considerations underlying it. First, I had a short-lived blog a few years ago that started as more of an on-line journal. It left me feeling a little over-exposed. I also didn't like always being on the fence about whether to include some personal detail that she might see as violating a confidence or making our private life a little too public. Second, it just became way too hard to come up with anything new to say. So, the topical format helped give a little separation between my private and public life and also took off some pressure around the blogging process.

    But, I do sometimes feel like sharing, and I'm feeling that way this morning. I also feel like last night's spanking was informative on some topics we've touched on.

    Lecturing: She tried something new last night - lecturing me while standing behind me. I felt like this was actually more effective than looking me in the eye. Because she wasn't gauging my reaction, it seemed to give her more confidence to cut loose with how disappointed and angry she was with me, It helped me get to a more humbled and truly repentant head space.

    Tools: I went into this spanking telling myself that I really wanted to accept it as real discipline that I richly deserved. I really tried to give in to it and "take my medicine." She started with the leather strap, and had some success in really giving in. I even came pretty close to letting go and crying. Then she switched tools, going to a wooden paddle that is harder to take. And, I started retreating from that openness to the discipline. She then went to the rubber straps, including a thin one that has a tendency to cut. As the sharpness of the pain increased, I found myself just trying to get through it, instead of giving in to it. And, the rubber strap did end up cutting into the side of my hip, leading her to say we are done with that tool. We talked after, and the whole session has us both re-evaluating whether we have been stressing intense tools to a point that has become counterproductive to the overall goal of breaking me down and making me feel genuinely remorseful and submissive.

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    1. I have a strong tendency to not think about what is going to happen until she actually takes down my pants or I am in position and waiting.This is probably why after all these years I still need spanked occasionally because I literally forget the physical memory of what a real spanking does. Within a couple of cracks I am thinking why I can't remember how this hurts and how much I don't want it to happen.And there is some anger at myself for getting into trouble with her when I knew what would happen Then there is a period of trying to physically submit to it which is really a learned reaction because originally ( with my girlfriend) I fought the spanking at this early point tensing up and getting out of position. I learned that just makes it worse and the spanking longer.Next I start to tell myself how much I deserve what she is doing and I( originally) asked her to do it so I should take my medicine and try to grow with it.But as it goes on and on especially if she is scolding too it just seems like it will never end and I get emotional, tearing up and sometimes crying because as silly as it seems I just give up all hope it will ever stop and I just let go. Also sometimes there is a numbness that spreads over my bottom and when that happens giving in to her is much easier. Sometimes at this point I raise my bum to brush or strap in rhythm with her smacks, something she notices and likes to happen. I have never thought about it before but I don't think I have ever cried when this level of submission happens first ( raising my bum after each smack). This is obviously a reconstruction of what I remember over many spankings so there is some literary license here.If I tried to sum it all up I would say my thoughts are regret and repentance although the repentance is more fro getting caught than the offense I am being spanked for.
      Alan

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    2. Hi Alan. I have that same experience with spanking-related amnesia. While it is happening, it is excruciating. You would think I would remember that in advance, but somehow I don't. I never quite reach that point of thinking it will never end, but often because something like last night happens, where a tool causes more damage than intended. I think I get lucky that I am a fairly lean guy, because I suspect that having more padding back there would result in more flexible skin and more padding.

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  5. Just a quick question. Has anyone ever received a spanking / paddling that caused too much damage ? Years ago when Dev was using one of her heavier paddles , instead of coming down flat it came down sideways. It hit the bone. It was a total accident but took several weeks to heal.

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    1. This weekend was really the first for us, and it happened only because the tip of the long, thin rubber strap was wrapping around my hip and cutting into the side opposite of the one from which she was swinging. So, she could not see the damage it was doing, and honestly the pain was not much different from any other strapping. The tip of that particular tool was just doing more damage than was apparent to either of us in the moment. And, it was nothing a large band-aid didn't fix.

      One piece of advice I would give all newbie Disciplinary Wives is always aim for the fleshy "sit spot." Anything higher risks injury. A few years ago, I took a fall during a sporting activity, and managed to come down hard directly on my tailbone. It was probably the most excruciating injury I have ever suffered (and I've broken bones and torn ligaments in other activities) and it took months to heal. I quickly learned that every singe muscle in your body hooks in some indirect way to your coccyx, so once you injure it every cough and sneeze produces true agony. Having experienced that, I am very quick to tell my wife if she is going too high with any tool, and particularly with anything rigid like a wooden paddle.

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  6. I have to admit, that while SO MUCH goes through my mind BEFORE and AFTER a punishment, DURING I am focused almost solely on 'getting through it'. Sometimes there are secondary thoughts ranging from remorse to resentment, but these are background noise to the main focus on concentrating on acceptance and compliance in the moment. It's why, much to Rosa's frustration, I am TERRIBLE at answering questions or admitting things or really saying much of anything during the spanking itself. Now afterwards????? I can talk her ear off!

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    1. You and I are much alike, yet again. I can and do talk her ear off after. During . . . it's little more than a string of minimally responsive "Yes Ma'am"s. But, on the other hand, she doesn't talk much during one either, though that is changing a bit over time.

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    2. In what may be several hundred spankings as an adult I have never received the kind of injury Jr describes. This may be just luck plus the skill of my disciplinarians. But I think it's because the majority of my spankings have been with " low bore" instrument, e.g.clothes brush, sauna brush, bath brush ( can't believe I am calling it low bore) and strap plus occasionally the cane. I have however been punished with a large heavy paddle enough times to know it can do serious damage in the wrong hands or accidentally. Most of the time the paddle has been used on me I carried the marks at least a week and one memorable time almost two weeks. The cane can leave marks a while too but the impact seems to be more on the surface, stingy rather than thuddy. I believe what I call the low bore are safer simply because a disciplinarian can control them more easily. They also except for the cane allow OTK which minimizes accidents assuming the spankee is submitting. The possibility of injury does remind of the importance of never punishing in the flush of real anger as well as the importance of the guy cooperating in every way.
      Alan

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    3. Agreed, and the non-wooden implements are just more forgiving even when used by inexperienced hands. The larger paddles also do not necessarily hurt more and, in fact, may hurt less. I also agree the bath brush is among the most painful instruments around. It's just amazing the difference a few more inches of handle length make as compared to a hair brush.

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  7. During punishment or discipline, I'm thinking about how my wife benefits from our arrangement. I think about what she is thinking about: with her paddle or hairbrush, she feels like she really has my attention, and, I guarantee you, she does! I think about how she is working out her anger and frustrations with me, as well as how from spanking me, she gains more self-confidence and feels empowered. She sees the whole act as undeniable evidence that I truly want her to provide strong wifely structure for my life, and that the old days of me forcing her to do certain sexual things are completely over. I think about how my pain is giving her relief, and even pleasure, not to mention a stronger ability to embrace her new leadership role. It's all pretty powerful, and these thoughts are what enable me to get through the ordeal. If I didn't have these thoughts, I might rebel against her spankings, and that would take her confidence back to that of a young girl. We've come way too far for that.

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    1. I'm thinking much the same thoughts, but before and after a spanking. Not during!

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  8. What goes through my head when I decide that L. needs a "reminder" depends on the seriousness of his transgression. It involves a consideration of the appropriate punishment - and, I must admit, some degree of anticipation of the way he will take it. As the session proceeds, I also consider how much is "enough" - and how harsh I should be to bring him to the needed degree of contrition (which I usually measure by his readiness to thank me on his knees and to kiss my hand or my feet, as well as the "tool" I used to punish him.

    J.

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    1. Hi J. I suspect that considering how much is "enough" is one of the more common thoughts among our Disciplinary Wives

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    2. What goes through my head depends on how much 'advance notice' I am given - and whether I am ordered to serve some 'waiting time' facing the wall of sprawled on the bed. J. sometimes (but not always) announces what she has in store for me - including the 'tools' she has me fetch. Of course, different things go through my head when I am about to be spanked or whipped in a hotel room, or out in the woods - let alone when I am to be spanked under the eyes of one of her friends... or of her sister (who usually lends a hand!)

      L.

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  9. My wife tells me to go to the laundry room, drop my pants, bend over and wait for her, and often she'll tell me to "think about things". When I am waiting I will think about my behavior, why I'm going to be spanked, how many swats I might get and how long I will have to wait - she can make me wait for 5 minutes or up to 30 minutes.

    When she is ready she will come in, pick up the bathbrush and lecture me while I stay bent over, so I cannot see her.

    When the spanking starts I try and keep count of the swats, unless I have to count them, but often I lose count and just concentrate on dealing with the spanking. Sometimes she will pause to lecture me some more and ask me what I am going to do better in the future and then I wonder if she has really stopped or if I am going to get some more swats. Sometimes I think, "Can I cope with another ten or whatever".

    She normally kisses or hugs me afterwards and gives me some sort of chore to do.

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    1. Thanks Anonymous. I would be curious to know, for those men whose wives make them wait for long periods of time like the 30 minutes you describe, does the anticipation build and do you feel more contrite? Probably because I am so ADD, it does the opposite to me. i just get more annoyed and petulant and start thinking about all sorts of other things

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    2. Hi Dan,
      I find that I start off thinking about how I got myself in this position, how many swats I am likely to get, how I might avoid being in this position in the future, my behavior and things like that, and then, the longer I wait, I also get the more mundane thoughts, like, "Did I make that dental appointment?" / "Should I was the car tomorrow" and so on.

      As I am waiting for her with my bottom bared and I am bent over, I sometimes get a "tingle" type of feeling in my backside as a sort of anticipatory feeling of the spanking to come.

      If she makes me wait a longer time, ie, up to 30 minutes, I might find myself feeling a bit annoyed about waiting so long, and thinking about the things I could be doing.

      The worst thing is probably if I have been waiting about ten minutes, and then I hear her footsteps approaching and I steel myself and think, here we go then, but instead she walks past the door and goes and does something else, and then doesn't come in for another 20 minutes, that sort of delayed spanking feeling is really quite powerful.
      Sometimes she spanks me immediately, rather than sending me to wait for her, and those sorts of spankings, when she is annoyed, are one thing, but the spankings when I have to wait for her are more.....measured, I suppose you could say, as if she has had time to consider what she is going to say when she lectures me and how many swats she is going to give and how she is going to spank me and so on.
      I think that when I have to wait I do think more about my behavior and how I have to improve.
      Thanks for the great forum!

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    3. Thanks, Anonymous. This might be good for a separate topic, as you, Fred and Merry all have alluded to the issue of spanking in anger. I personally take it more seriously when she is truly angry, and it helps me get into a much more contrite mindset.

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    4. On the rare occasions when I am punished when she is angry it somehow feels more 'real'. She is less controlled and I will have bruises. I will feel more contrite, more sorry and I will often try harder to get the balance back after. TB

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  10. When the paddling starts I am always shocked how painful the first 10 to 15 swats are (there is no warm up when I am being punished). My mind is totally on the pain being inflicted twisting my backside from side to side trying to balance the pain somewhat and still hold my position. I, like some of you, try to take my medicine and tough it out, but when the smacks keep piling on the "burn factor" becomes a very painful factor and I really feel I can't take any more and start promising, begging, etc. for it to stop. Somehow my wife seems to sense I'm really in panic mode and eases up until I can recover, and then she picks up the speed and power of the paddling again putting me right back in panic mode and then suddenly it stops. The only thing I think about is the pain, how I can maneuver my butt to lessen it, when will this punishment and pain stop,and can I take it until she decides she's finished. I'm completely exhausted when it is over. Unlike some of you my wife will paddle me when she is angry, especially if my behavior has been hurtful. Those are always the worst paddling's and before they start I'm just plain scared knowing what's going to happen. The end result in all cases is the punishment is a major deterrent to misbehavior going forward. My wife has conceded these paddling's are often a pay back balancing the hurtfulness of my actions and necessary before she can forgive me. I have to keep in mind I asked for this to improve those bad behavior that were rocking our marriage and it is the only way I can convince myself to accept without rebellion my wife's paddling's. They have worked as I intended, but are more painful than I ever imagined when we came to agreement on DD for me to clean up my act. It probably helped that I had a mindset that I knew I needed improvement and wanted to improve and eliminate my obvious faults. In my case the saying, "bad boys learn when their butts burn" is true. Fred.



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    1. Hey Fred. What you describe is very close to what happens for me. i'm somehow always surprised at how much it hurts, and just try to get through. My wife doesn't usually spank when angry, but more because real life often imposes some long gap between the offense and her taking care of it. But, she does hold a grudge . . .

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  12. At some point during my spankings, I go into panic mode as the intensity and speed contribute to a very painful ordeal. Sometimes I can't breath. My wife seems to be able to read this though and she lightens up, and goes into scolding mode. I'm grateful for that.

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    1. I haven't experienced that panic mode, though I have wondered whether that is the point I need to get to in order to really submit and reach the stage of just giving into it and sobbing.

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  13. Thursday afternoon I was spanked for one of my usual things that I've been spanked several time in the past for. I'm sure it will happen again. In thinking of this weeks question. I asked her what she thought and felt before during and after. Dev said before she begins she says she must give the punishment to keep control and to correct the offense. She says she'll think about what implement to use. Like a heavy paddle for a serious offense or maybe her hairbrush for others. She said while I'm over her knee she is totally focused on the task at hand.she said if it's a serious offense she will make it longer and harder to make a lasting memorable effect. She said the maintenance spankings she started doing a few months ago seem to be working. Once she's convinced my pleas of being better are sincere she will stop. A few more are added to drive her point home then I'm allowed up. She says once it's over all is forgiven and forgotten.

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    1. Hi JR. Your comment suggests another possible topic. We talked a few weeks ago about the Disciplinary Wife vocalizing and lecturing. Maybe we also should explore how much vocalizing the disciplined husband does during his spanking, and the extent to which any pleas fall on deaf ears?

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  14. Dan
    Before Anna punishes me I am sent to our room and I am expected to sit and think about why I am
    being punished. The hardest part of a punishment session is when Anna comes into the room. I am expected to stand and she takes the seat. Standing in front of her she removes belt and pants are
    around my ankles. I then assume a position of leaning over the edge of the arm chair. My legs are to
    be spread wide. Anna then slips off briefs, dims the lights. She then runs her hand over my bare bottom
    and with great calmness addresses me. Usually as she speaks her hand becomes a light slap. She calmly
    tells me how I have disappointed her and since my behavior is childish i will be punished as a child.
    Often I wait as she paces the room for as long as five minutes. The first real strike is almost a relief. She
    says little and often after her hand has warmed me up she uses brush, belt and or paddle. The louder i whimper or cry out the harder the next blow. Those moments of anger that I do feel melt and I try to focus on when it is over.
    The moment it is over Anna will tell me to clean myself up and to come down to dinner in 10 minutes. I am expected to come to dinner bare bottomed.After dinner I then sent to bed. It is only then Anna will apply
    salve to by bruised bottom. Often it is only 8 p.m. and I am expected to stay in bed and think of why i was punished and how I intend to not let it happen again. Left alone, often for a few hours, hearing her chatting with someone on the phone or with her sister in our kitchen is hardest.
    When she does come to bed she allows me to cuddle with her. Needless to say filled with the resolve that there wont be another spanking.
    Peter

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    1. Hi Peter. Welcome back. I missed your input that last few weeks.

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  15. Hell Dan,
    Thinking deeply about what is happening and why seems to be the male prerogative. I don't criticize it. Indeed I want him to think about why he is being punished and usually make him fully articulate his offense as well as " encourage" him to participate fully in the discipline. But reading most above I think men overthink a spanking compared to women administering one. Most of my real thinking goes into the decision to spank, where ,when and how severe. But then I am on a mission to punish him as effectively as possible ( change behavior)Once I have made the decision to spank I am in action mode and thinking ( or talking) about it are over. This doesn't mean I don't scold or that I may not adapt to circumstances as the discipline is carried out. But after the decision is made I am on auto pilot.Incidentally I believe detaching somewhat from the spanking is the way to effectively discipline someone you also love. Later I can and do become compassionate and supportive especially if he has taken his spanking well.But I can be a bitch when doling it out and I make no apology for that. It is necessary.
    Marisa

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    1. Hi Marisa. Sorry, I got a little behind on responding to comments. Good to hear from you on this. I can understand how detachment is somewhat necessary in order to get the job done. I face the same issue on the job sometimes, when I have to impose some consequences on an employee who has dropped the ball in a significant way. I may not like doing it, and I have to detach myself from my normal desire not to confront the issue head on, but doling out the consequences is the only way to ensure the behavior improves.

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  16. What do I feel regarding spanking my husband? He allows me to clear the air like this before sex as a gesture of love. He kisses me passionately before and after the spanking and the thrusting that follows feels like pure love. As a result, it definitely doesn't feel like a chore.

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