Saturday, April 26, 2014

Forum Question of the Week #42: Disciplinary Wives Born or Made?

Good morning all.  Welcome back.  It seemed like a long week.

We had a flurry of activity from or about the Disciplinary Women in our relationships.  It was great to get some participation from the "giving" end of the DD relationships.  Many of the comments discussed how or why the disciplinary relationship came into being, and the range of responses was really interesting.

Some learned about domestic discipline from a friend or co-worker, and decided to explore it.


Some are second generation disciplinary wives who grew up in a disciplinary home and learned it from their mother.



Or from overhearing or seeing a spanking being given.



Some began with the man asking for or suggesting it, while a surprising number were initiated by the women.

At the risk of stating the obvious, regardless of how each DD relationship began, they all involve a  woman either initiating or at least acquiescing to taking on the dominant, disciplinary role.  So, my question is, are disciplinary and otherwise dominant women made or born?  Do they tend to have naturally dominant personalities, or do they learn to take control over time, possibly using a "fake it 'til you make it"  strategy of acting dominant until it increasingly becomes their real nature?  Is there an underlying interest in spanking or dominance, or do they have some epiphany that leads them to want to give it a try?  Also, does disciplining their husbands lead to changes in their day to day life, such as becoming more assertive at work or more confident in social situations?

I know the "answer" is, of course, all the above.  But, tell us your thoughts and let us know the answers as they apply to your or your relationships.  And, as always, take a moment to put something in the Guestbook if you haven't in the past or just have something new to say.

Also, I've added a couple of stories to the User Stories section (see tab above).  Drop by and give them a read, and think about adding something of your own.  If it's a short story, just put it in a comment to the story at the top of the User Stories page.  If it's longer, send me an email and I'll post it.  Have a great week.

Dan


33 comments:

  1. Rosa needed only a slight bit of encouragement. She admits she had the desire to live this way all her life. Our lifestyle, while strange to some, just seems perfectly normal and natural to her. She fully admits that superficially such an arrangement might not seem 'fair', but she feels such arbitrary fairness is far less important than what works and is appropriate for both halves of the couple. As such she has no problem admitting that she'd never submit to what she expects me to submit to.....but that's because it is right for me to be in my role and right for her to be in hers. She has also stated countless times that given her past, and how she is now, she deserves to be in the position she's in.

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    1. I think that "fairness" hurdle is a hard one for some wives to get over when exploring their dominant side. But, I think there really is a distinction. Many men are more naturally dominant, and if you are to get to a more balanced place in the relationship, the woman has to feel she can exercise control when she needs to -- fair or not. And, let's face it, those of us who want this lifestyle get into in part because we want someone to exercise that control over us, again, fair or not. In fact, part of feeling you really are subject to someone else's control is having to submit to it even when you feel it is not fair or deserved.

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. To some degree, we all have a tendency to dominate, some more than others.

    Women, as a whole, are usually discouraged by society from taking up the reigns of control outside of work, school, or sports, especially if men are involved, unless encouraged or permitted to do so. Some women are more naturally dominant than others are; a few will not top a man no matter what. Once a woman has taken up the mantle of leadership in a domestic relationship, however, it may take time and experience to hone her skills.

    So it would appear that both nature and nurture are involved.

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    1. Hi Annapurna. Thanks for contributing. I agree about the societal constraints. At least work, school and sports are starting to open up those avenues of control and assertiveness. But, you're right, within relationships most women and men who want an FLR relationship are in uncharted waters. And, it's not just she who needs time and experience. For her, it's about learning to wield power without embarrassment or timidity. For him, it is about learning to surrender and give in. Even though I do think I genuinely want to submit to my wife, on those occasions when she does exert her control by bossing me around, such as telling me to run some errand or something, I do give in but it is surprisingly hard. But, for us, that is kind of the point -- pushing us both out of our comfort zones. Again, thanks for the comment, and I hope you'll come again.

      Dan

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  4. I believe control is something that is learned either at work, play, home. My wife was not dominate and spanked me because I asked for it. She was afraid of causing injury but at the same time she enjoyed the view she had as she spanked. In time being dominate grew on her now she enjoys the power and knows she can tell by my responses (kicking, wiggling, hollering) when she spanking me that it's having the effect she desires. My cheeks don't stay red long but the soreness, tenderness does sometimes for a few days.
    archedone

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  5. I soon found out after the marriage, my wife family secret. Her mother, a widow, invited us to her beach house for the week. Been married six months, and looking forward to getting away. The second night, I always will remember. Her mother addressed several issues she had with me, and some my wife told her about. Since it is the two against one I suggest you do as told young man, and quickly. You like to act like a child, naughty at times, then you will be treated as such.
    When her voice got very stern I knew I better do as told, I soon was staring at a large hairbrush, her mother sitting and laying the law down. Down with your pants she said and I did as told, over my lap and quickly I was over her lap. The underpants quickly pulled down and for the next several minutes my bare bottom felt the sting of the hairbrush. I danced around the room afterwards only to find out the spanking was not over. My wife took the seat and over her lap I went and with a sore spanked bottom already I reacted to the brush from the first spank. I slept on my stomach that night and a pillow was on the chair, which was needed. Rules were layed out and I said yes to all even the one I never saw coming. I was told to get to the bathroom, I was going to be given a bath like a little boy and sure enough my wife washed me like a little boy, her mom watching and giving instructions. Being dried off afterwards I really felt little, I was good the remaining time at the beach house. Since then I have been spanked on occasions, and my wife insures I remember for sometime afterwards. The baths still happen, and she add "pj" punishment, wear them the remaining part of day, no matter who visits and see me.

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  6. My wife definitely learnt it from her mother. I had started dating my future wife at the age of 17. After several months of dating I decided to move in with her and her widowed mother. Only after a few weeks into living there my future mother-in-law summoned me into the living room for a lecture about my behaviour. She told me that it was quite obvious that I was a spoilt brat who always expected to get his way and that she intended to do something that someone should have been done a long time ago. With that she told her daughter to go get her hairbrush and ordered me to get over her knee. I told her that I was too old to be spanked to which she replied that if I wished to keep living in her house and dating her daughter that I needed to drop my jeans to ankles and get over her knee immediately. Turning to my girlfriend I asked what she thought of this and to my astonishment she said I think you definitely deserve good hard spanking. Not wanting to lose my girlfriend I dropped my jeans to my ankles and positioned myself over my future mother-in-law's knee. She pulled down my underpants and proceeded to spank my bare bottom until it was bright red and I was begging her to stop and promising her that I would behave. For the next 3 years my future mother-in-law administered numerous otk bare bottom hairbrush spankings for any misbehaviour. The spankings were nearly always witnessed by my girlfriend. During the final year of living there and leading up to our wedding my future mother-in-law insisted that her daughter administer the spankings and on occasions they would both spank me. On the morning of our wedding my mother-in-law gave me a spanking and on the night of our wedding the first thing my new wife did before we made love was give me a lecture that she was going be the boss of our relationship and then soundly spanked my bottom with her new hairbrush that her mother had given her as one of her wedding presents. We have been married almost 40 years and I have loved being in dd relationship with my beautiful loving wife. I think I'm a better man for the regular discipline that my wife administers whether it be my maintenance spankings or the occasional punishment spankings, paddlings, strappings or canings.

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    1. As I have posted before I had real difficulty telling my wife that her mother had spanked me,I do t to this day know if my wife and her mother had prior discussions about my first and only spanking from my mother in law . I know my wife and her siblings were all spanked by their mother but if my wife knew that her mother intended to spank me to this day she says not. I also don't know if my mother in law spanked my father in law but my wife says if so you didn't know about and that image doesn't seem possible to her. From the time I told her about how her mom treated me she has taken that que and that role. Anyway I don't know if that first spanki g didn't happen if we would have found our way to our lifetime dynamic as I certainly never thought about be spankec by a woman before.

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    2. Hi Bart. It seems odd that your mother-in-law would be so quick to spank you, if she didn't also spank her husband. But, who knows? One thing I love about these discussions is how much they emphasize that each person's path is different, complicated, and often entertaining as all hell. :-)

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  7. My wife is not dominant at all except when it comes to spanking me. Usually I need to even ask for the spanking. However once the decision is made she is in charge and I am getting spanked.
    JGH57

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  8. When I first stated dating Mistress I saw no hint of a dominant personality in her. I wanted to date her simply because she seemed like a lovely person and we got on famously. I noticed she had slightly 'bossy' moments but nothing more than that and was willing to forgo my CP to be with this lady.

    However we quickly fell for each other and I felt it important she should know about my CP interests from very early in our relationship. So one night we sat down for a serious chat where I revealed all. She was a little shocked and admitted she had never heard of adults indulging in CP 'games' but to her credit said she was willing to give it a go.

    Having said that she had been to schools where the cane was regularly used - but like me, she had never been caned or spanked at school. She did reveal to me much later in our relationship that she had been a prefect at school - and was strict, even with friends, quite happily reporting pupils if they had broken the school rules.

    What I think I unwittingly unleashed was her true dominant personality. What's more, the closer we become, the more I learned of her family, the more I realised just how dominant her mother also is and he grandmother had been - not in the CP context, but purely in character. And, Mistress' daughter is also exhibits a very dominant air.

    So to answer one of you first questions, in my case, Mistress is clearly a dominant character. It just took me, with a submissive side, to help her find her true self.

    And your second thread - does it change their lives? In Mistress' case I'd say it has 100% changed hers. She'd been in a bad relationship previously where her partner sapped every bit of her confidence. I'd seen her confidence growing gradually after we got together but once she began to discipline me, I noticed her confidence come on in leaps and bounds - not just in our relationship but also in her work and social life. Perhaps that confidence would have returned anyway but I think acting out a dominant role initially helped speed the process.

    However, by no means would I say Mistress acted her dominance until she grew into it. I think the dominance was always there and she suddenly had an opportunity to exploit it!

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  9. I entered my relationship with my wife-to-be, knowing darned well she is a Domme, because...that's why we got together in the first place. I am a submissive male who 'enjoys' being spanked, and she is a dominant woman who enjoys spanking male bottoms. So she asked me ...via email...if I would like to be her play partner at an upcoming dungeon party,and I said yes in half a heart beat.
    How she got that way?
    Her life story up to then would be a very interesting book... but at any rate, she was a submissive to other men for a number of years, until one Master told her, "You're no submissive, you are a Dominant, and you should act like one."
    And so...
    She took on a number of submissives in the intervening years, but was in-between them when she contacted me.

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    1. My guess is there are a lot of people who get confused as to whether they are a dominant or submissive at heart. It's depressingly easy to get locked into a role that doesn't fit.

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  10. I think all Women have the innate ability and desire to be Dominant and a Disciplinarian. Some Women are lucky enough for circumstances in their life to join them with a husband that has given her the gift of submission.

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    1. Thanks for the contribution. I'm not sure I agree on this one, though. I think there are many women who truly do not want to be dominant and much prefer to be paired with an Alpha Male. I know women who have dumped guys on the premise that they didn't want to be his "mommy" and wanted a "real man." But, I do agree that there are a lot of women who DO have the ability to be dominant, and quite a few that have an innate, if sometimes buried, desire for it. But, just my opinion.

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  11. Hello Dan!

    It's Susie again. I've done both sides of the slash, by way of the old school training as a submissive and later becoming a Dominant. I always knew I had a sadistic/Dominant side, but I had to follow the protocol that was in place at the time.

    In reference to your reply to sub hub in phx, I'd like to point out that there are Alpha Male submissives. Not all Alpha Males are Dominant, at least not in my experience. My husband is very much an Alpha Male, only he chooses to be submissive to me, which, in turn, makes this Alpha Female very happy.

    My argument is that we (women) all have the potential, but it's not an easy journey, and not everyone wants to make the sacrifices necessary to be in charge

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    1. Hi Susie! Great to hear from you again! I probably didn't phrase that response as precisely as I should have. I agree that most women have the "potential" to be a Dominant. My quibble was around whether they have the "desire." I do think there are many women who don't desire to be dominant, just like there are many men who don't desire to be submissive.

      But, in my case, your point regarding Alpha Males is VERY well-taken and, again, my response probably wasn't as precise as it should have been. Outside our home, I am very much an Alpha Male. That is really why we got into DD. I am far too Alpha in most aspects of my life, but in order to moderate that tendency and bring some balance to my personality, I choose to submit to my wife. She graciously chooses to help beat the Alpha out of me. :-)

      Correspondingly, my wife is really not a natural Dominant, but she has the potential and has, over the last few years of experimenting with DD, realized she does have the Dominant desire. So, please count me among the Alpha Male submissives.

      Thanks again for weighing in. Great to have you in this little group!

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    2. Susie, one other thing. If you ever have the desire, I'd love to have you as a guest poster on the blog. An open microphone, as it were, unconstrained by whatever topic I happen to throw out there each week. If you'd ever like to write something about the DD lifestyle, your experience in it, or anything else you want to put out there, just let me know and we'll post it as a main topic.

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    3. Thank you Dan! I have a big project going on at work right now, but once my partner (co-worker) does her part, I'll seriously consider it

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  12. My wife was the oldest of four kids so she had to take control with both here parents working. As a result, she became a take charge type as an adult. When she became close with a coworker who practiced Domestic Discipline, she was enamored with the relationship dynamic she saw firsthand. She had what it takes so to speak to implement DD into our marriage. Spanking came along later as her confidence in DD grew – I think she held out on the spanking as a “last resort” for discipline. When the spanking started, she wasn’t good at spanking me as she was way too timid in the spanking process. That quickly changed after she complained to her friend that it was not effective on me. The first real (and effective) spanking was a shock to me as she used an oversized wooden paddle and it seemed like it would never end – bringing me to tears. She has admitted that disciplining me has made her more assertive as a teacher as well.

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    1. Hi Anonymous. Thanks for the post. If I may ask, how did your wife learn that the co-worker was into DD? Did the co-worker just tell your wife about it, or was there something that allowed it to come out naturally during a conversation?

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  13. We have been married 38 yrs--Its a great marriage and i consider neither of us dominating---My wife came from a family in which her brothers were paddled thru high school--although she was not---I suppose that is where she got the idea of a guy being paddled bare assed. She is of a more moral and religious background and for certain conduct with my male friends that offend her moral and religious beleifs--I get my bare butt paddled---It is infrequent but it happens--When its got to happen--we both seem to know it---there is little conversation and never any argument--I shower put myself over her lap and hang on and she paddles me bare and it hurts alot---I never try to get out of it----It works for us but is probably not for alot of couples---Things are grear between us after----It is not humiliating or shaming--it just hurts my bare butt!

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    1. Hi Bearcr. I wish I could say I never try to get out of it. In fact, I was thinking about making that a Forum topic in the near future. My behavior has been pretty bad for weeks, and I know I need it, yet twice this week I have managed to delay. I guess my submission still needs some work.

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  14. l am not sure l am a strictly disciplined husband, but l am certainly a spanked one. From time to time it is discipline but my wife just likes to spank and fortunately l like to be spanked. We do not have a list or sets of rules rather just a common sense approach to the discipline part of it. The most frequent spankings, about once a week, are just because. They are not of a sexual nature, they are because She wishes to spank. The irony is that sometimes they are more severe, but not brutal, than discipline and l cry more often from the regular spankings than from discipline one's. Discipline is usually the cane where as regular spankings are by hand and an assortment of leather implements such as paddles, straps and belts and her new favorite, a flogger which is applied solely to my bottom.

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  15. Sorry, I am a little late in answering this, I was traveling.

    My wife was a take charge dominate person before I met her in college. When I talked with her friends from college and HS they all talk about how she was so organized and how she would keep all the meeting controlled. When we were dating she mentioned several times that maybe if I have been spanked growing up I would not have done this or that.

    TK

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  16. I recall that I introduced the idea of my wife disciplining me fairly early on in our marriage. At first my wife was rather sceptical and concerned that there were some dark stuff in the background that I was yet to reveal but after a while she agreed to try it out and I bought her a traditional school cane. We had a variety of early experiences, some better than others but after a few years she got the hang of it very well. My wife rather enjoys caning me now and has become something of an expert in my view.. Recently as we lay in bed discussing my latest bare bottomed trip over the the dining room chair I asked her to describe how she felt about administering corporal punishment to me. She says that she enjoys the swishing sound of the cane and the crack as it lands on my bare skin. She said that she enjoys placing the stripes and trying to get a good even spread of purple weals. She said that she especially enjoys my reaction to the strokes of the cane and afterwards she enjoys my gratitude and loving and appreciative behaviour.

    Essentially she canes me because she loves me and wants to make me happy. There is also something rather traditional about my wife that probably chimes with the old fashioned ritualistic nature of a good sound well deserved caning that is carried out with loving firmness on the one part and accepted with good grace and gratitude by the other party. I think that there is also something intrinsically enjoyable about ones normally stroppy and bossy partner obeying ones commands without question and agreeing to take his trousers and underpants down and accept bare bottomed discipline. I squeal and gasp and apologise and count the cane strokes out loud and thank her for showing me the error of my ways after each stroke and then there is the sight of my bare bottom all sticking out and wriggling and squirming at her mercy, and if I am really bending right over no doubt my most private parts are on display as I struggle to keep my composure while writhing, bent over and holding on the the chair for all I am worth. If you think about it, what's not to like ?

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  17. My wife and I have been married 37 years and during that time we have changed from me spanking just her playfully, to her spanking me more often nowadays. But I still remember as if it was yesterday when our playfull spankings turned into the bottom-burner of all time as far as I was concerned. I was over her lap getting my bottom nicely slapped to a pink hue, when I asked her if she wouldn't mind being a bit firmer with me and use her wooden hairbrush until I asked her to stop as I fancied a good sound spanking for a change. She said ok but she wasn't happy with it as she didn't want to hurt me. I said for her to let me up and I would make us some refreshment whilst she went online to a site called Disciplinary Wives Club that I had found a few weeks earlier and read some of the acounts there. To cut a long story short, she spent 2 hours on it and my backside was well back in it's white state.
    Well I still don't like the idea but if that's what you want to try out then let's do it. So she's now sitting on the chair with the hairbrush in front of her on the table. She calls me over and pats her lap, over I go and she starts in by handspanking me all the time chiding me for talking her into doing this and also not telling her sooner in our married life so she would have had time to adjust. All the time she kept up the spanking and the slaps were getting a bit harder and faster, until about a 100 spanks she stops. From now on when I have you in position and firmly held, your spanking will be done with the hairbrush for a very very long while and as you requested it will also be hard, in fact I am not stopping until your bottom is bruised and you have been reduced to a snottynosed sniviling bad little boy that you THINK you want. With that she leg and arm-locked me in postion and set about with gusto tanning my bottom with that brush and telling me all the reasons she could think of in agreement with me and a few of her own why I needed this spanking. Well it went on and on and on, and i started crying begging howling still she spanked faster and harder, and after about 700-800 with that brush I was well reduced to the stage she wanted me. She's never gone that far since, although I have had some that have left me bawling, but she did say some weeks later that for some reason she felt empowered by something she could,n understand to give me just what I asked for.

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    1. Thanks for contributing. Like you, my status as a real disciplined husband began with the DWC website.

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  18. My wife comes from a very traditional Chinese family where corporal punishment was expected. However she comes off as a very easy going individual herself. Not long after we started dating I confided that I had grown up with a very strict mother who had punished me frequently when she felt it warranted. One day I expressed to my then girlfriend that I felt bad about something and deserved to be beaten. She was reticent at first but she agreed because she felt I did indeed deserve it. This has continued to this day although I would say she is not in need of motivation to beat me when she feels it is warranted and she is certainly not timid about thrashing me severely. So I would have to say she had the sadistic streak in her and came to enjoy punishing me quite mercilessly very easily but has always believe it is deserved.

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  19. My wife is great---but has a thing about drinking and other behaviors which she considers 'wild' some of the stuff I do with my male friends---Once in a while when it has gone too far on my part--it ends with me taking a bare paddling--It hurts on my bare butt---all in all---it works fine for the two of us---It is a total secret

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