“Procrastination makes easy things hard, hard things harder.” - Mason Cooley
Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Wives Club - Tribute. Our weekly on-line gathering of women and men who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.
I hope you all had a good week. Mine was pretty uneventful, in part because I’m still having some trouble shaking the post-Covid symptoms. It’s getting kind of old. I also feel like I’m stuck between seasons, getting enthused for a spring that first we seemed to run right over, before returning to something more winter-like. One day it’s pushing 90 degrees, and the next I’m shivering at the dog park in my down puffer jacket. It’s like the universe dangling motorcycle season right in front of me but just beyond my grasp.
Thank you to those who participated in talking about last week’s topic on the feelings we experience when our wives show they are in charge or when they embrace their authority. I always worry a topic is going to flop when I link it too closely to our mostly male membership’s “feelings” about something, even though it’s the emotions surrounding DD that I most like exploring here.
This week’s topic is a little more concrete, and it’s based on this comment by Jackson (edited lightly for length) from a few weeks ago:
“My wife Lauren and I have been in FLR with DD F/m for a little more than 3 years now. My behavior has vastly improved and while far from perfect there are weeks where there really isn’t much to discuss in our weekly Sunday check in that is then followed by a spanking for the discussed infractions. Only recently, on weeks that have been really good or near perfect, She talks to me about past transgressions that have really hurt her. Before FLR I could be brash, arrogant, rude, and even mean or bullying. I used to call names during arguments.
FLR has completely fixed that. Lauren is a very attractive woman and does not and never has had a weight problem, but for some reason years ago I had made comments about Her weight and basically engaged in “body shaming”. This caused Her a lot of pain. I also called Her out on numerous occasions for being too lenient in Her parenting of our sons. Our sons turned into successful, caring, compassionate men, and we are both very happy with and proud of them. They are that way largely because of Her parenting style. This criticism also causes Lauren pain even still.
So, on “perfect” weeks She has started talking to me and scolding me during the spanking for these past misdeeds. I have to state during the punishment that “I will not body shame, that body shaming another person is always wrong”, and also “Your parenting skills are why we have such wonderful sons.” I find that this is intensely moving for me, and She has said that during the spanking She actually enjoys it and feels a sense of satisfaction and power that is healing.
I have educated myself on somatic therapy (addressing past trauma through the body using sensual touch and pain), and I think that we are in a way practicing this technique through spanking and scolding and reciting the statements that resonate for me during the act.
I agree that the spanking has to have meaning and otherwise is just a beating, at least for me. Addressing past issues is healing for both of us and provides a sense of closure, healing and catharsis. I think we will continue to explore this on those weeks where otherwise a spanking would not be necessary.
Intimacy and sex almost always follow a spanking. For us it is a time to be close, completely open with each other and it allows for an opportunity to take all defenses down and reclaim our true selves and to express the true, real love we feel for each other. For me especially it is a time and space to escape the Patriarchy that is so engrained and embraced by not only men but especially women in our culture and really throughout the world. I am so grateful that we found this lifestyle. I wish we had found it much earlier, but better late than never!”
There is a lot to unpack in Jackson’s comment, and it would probably be good for multiple topics, including DD and parenting styles and whether post-spanking intimacy helps or hurts the DD dynamic.
But, the part I really wanted to focus on is the bit about using DD to go back and address old—in Jackson’s account, sometimes very old—misbehavior.
I would sum up the resulting topic as, “In your Domestic Discipline dynamic, does accountability (or penance, or clearing the slate) have a shelf life?”
I gave my own answer to that question in a reply to Jackson’s comment:
“There are a lot of interesting points here. I find that my need for accountability on particular issues usually has a pretty short shelf life. If something isn't dealt with in about a week, I'm over it.
But, I'm not sure that would be the case where hurting other people is concerned. I think I'm generally a nice person, and while I can ‘out asshole’ anyone if they start it, I try very hard to never "punch down", i.e. to attack people who aren't peers or above and able to fight back and then some, and I generally try not to hurt anyone without cause. But, we all make mistakes, and I do have a temper. On those occasions where I have said or done something that I know was hurtful and uncalled for, those things do tend to stick with me for a much longer time.
So, I can see how going back and addressing old behavior that fits in that category could give sufficient meaning to a spanking that it would still satisfy my need for accountability. And, while I don't really carry grudges myself, my wife certainly does, and I can see how dealing with some past hurtful conduct would be meaningful for her.”
So, for me, the need for accountability does have a shelf life. And, for minor or more pedestrian matters, it tends to be pretty short. Though, I don’t know whether the ranking is intuitive, and the ranking itself seems to have a shelf life.
The best example is probably drinking to excess. The day after, I often feel disappointed in myself, though I also often feel like I need at least a day to recover in order to focus on the spanking as opposed to the hangover. Yet, if there is a delay of even three or four days, I’ve fully moved on.
Conversely, things that might seem minor to her can leave me feeling angry or frustrated with myself for at least several days and often longer. An example would be certain acts of carelessness, especially if they resulted in substantial loss of time or money and could have been easily avoided.
A recent example touched on both those scenarios. I went out with a friend for lunch and “a couple of beers”, but it turned into most of an afternoon and several beers. A day or so before, I couldn’t find one of my favorite jackets. Luckily, it turned out I had left it in a locker at the gym and someone turned it into Lost & Found. Anne didn’t end up spanking me for the excessive alcohol, but her questioning seemed to indicate she saw it as spankable. I was far more focused, however, on the carelessness that caused me to almost lose my favorite jacket. I didn’t ask for a spanking for it (or for the drinking), but that was largely because I was feeling so lousy from the long-Covid stuff. I definitely was angry with myself for it.
Another good example is from three or four years ago. I was going on a group motorcycle tour, and I neglected to inspect my tires before the trip. One turned out to be way too worn for the conditions, and it put me in some precarious positions over the course of the trip and also caused problems for the group in helping me get up a particularly gnarly trip. I was angry at myself about that one not just for days but for several weeks. I didn’t ask for a spanking for that one either, but I’ve made progress on that front in recent years and, if it happened today, I think I would ask for it.
Jackson’s primary examples were about incidents in which he said rude or hurtful things to his wife. I don’t know what my shelf life for those kinds of incidents might be, but I do note that the degree of my disappointment or anger at myself for things like carelessness ramps up if it caused harm or extra work for someone else.
However, the length of our need for accountability as husbands wasn’t what Jackson’s examples were really getting at. His focus was not on his need for accountability but, rather, on his wife’s need/desire to mete it out. It seems that some of his comments were hurtful enough to her that holding him accountable even years later helped her get the lingering anger or hurt off her chest.
Jackson doesn’t seem to take issue with that. We haven’t explored using DD to address anything so long term and, therefore, I’m not sure how I would react. Because I do tend to hold on to feelings of guilt when I’ve harmed or hurt others, I suspect I would be fine with it and might even get some emotional benefit from it myself, though it might depend on the extent to which I agreed that whatever I said or did was wrong and fairly substantial. And, while I don't tend to hold grudges, Anne does, so I wouldn't be surprised if she found exploring spanking for long-past behavior just as gratifying as Jackson's Lauren apparently does.
Though, if I were convinced that something I did had left genuine bad feelings, I think I probably could get my mind around being spanked for it even if it had been unintentional or if I didn’t necessarily agree that it was a serious matter. And, being spanked under such circumstances might at least have a prophylactic effect, teaching me to think more before I speak.
What about you? Does your need for accountability or consequences have a shelf life? If so, how does that work? Does it vary by the kind of offense? By whether others suffered bad consequences or hurt feelings because of your behavior or harsh/thoughtless words?
What about alleviating hour own long-term guilt? Are there any things from even the distant past that you might want to be spanked for, to relieve yourself of guilt or make amends?
Just as importantly, how does your wife approach the passing of time after an offense has occurred? Does she tend to forget about it quickly if punishment doesn’t quickly follow the crime? Or, will she circle back and address things several days (or longer), after the offense?
What is her statute of limitations on your bad conduct, if any? Are any of the other wives like Jackson’s Lauren, spanking for hurtful behavior that happened months or years before? Do you think spankings for long-past behavior would be helpful, or counterproductive, in your DD relationship?
Have a great week.
