Identity and How it Impacts Accepting a Role as Disciplinary Wife or Spanked Husband (Club Meeting - 543)

“To say that we mutually agree to coercion is not to say that we are required to enjoy it, or even to pretend we enjoy it.” - Garrett Hardin

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

I hope you had a great week. Mine continued my streak of boring, uneventful rehabilitation, though I’m able to be a bit more active in the gym now.  Although it has, in fact, been a boring several weeks, this also has to be the furthest I’ve ever made it into a January with most of my resolutions intact and without any big, spank-worthy behavioral failure.

 

That is, of course, a mixed bag.  It does get harder to sustain the dynamic the longer we go without a real spanking.  And, of course, when it inevitably does happen, it will hurt like hell.

 

Anyway . . . thanks to those of you who chimed in on last week’s topic.  There seems to be a lot of variability in the forms of satisfaction our wives get out of our DD relationships, the timeline for feeling that satisfaction, and the extent to which they admit to taking satisfaction in giving spankings, ordering spankings, or having that power and authority.  Among the several great comments, I really liked this one from E.:

 

My wife has only been doing this for a year. She was reluctant at first but agreed because it helped me quit drinking. It started out weekly, basically like maintenance. She admittedly did not like administering it. After 30 plus consecutive weeks she did see a marked improvement in our marriage, plus I maintained my sobriety. I introduced the idea of corrective spankings for my attitude in addition to maintenance for drinking, as well as preemptive spankings when she was intuitively expecting misbehavior on my part. She was reluctant initially but agreed to try it. This was partly because she liked the change in my behavior that she had already seen. Since November, she has spanked me on average one additional time each week, but she doesn't verbally admit to enjoying doing it. She also has started casually joking about spanking me. This happens several times each week now, as she has become more comfortable or habituated to it. I know she connects the spankings to the peace in our household, but I believe she also feels validated when I submit to her authority. She is a quiet type but has a history of being bossy in one-on-one situations. I think she secretly likes the feeling of authority over me. I think she likes me in the prone position and naked. That is why I think she will continue to develop into a disciplinary wife. I am always careful to uphold her judgement no matter what. I don't argue or rationalize. I simply submit so that this continues to progress and our marriage continues to improve. Although she doesn't like administering the spanking, she loves providing aftercare, and she likes the complete process and results. That is where she is on the spectrum, but she is still evolving so I don't know where it will lead.

 

I thought it laid out a nice progression from reluctance, to getting more comfortable with it as the benefits become apparent, to openly joking about it and otherwise becoming more comfortable and habituated to the point that she probably likes the feeling of authority if only “secretly”.

 

During the week, I got this topic suggestion from Mike:

 

“One of my wife’s difficulties in becoming a DWC wife seems to be around identity. For her, the idea of a “dominant wife” clashes with her self-image. In her mind, a woman who punishes her husband simply does not align with how she sees herself as a person. This raises an interesting question: To what extent does personal identity play a role for a DWC wife, and how can a woman find or develop an identity that feels authentic rather than forced or role-played?

 

This seems to be a particularly difficult topic due to the lack of direct female input within the community, yet it may be central to why many wives struggle at the beginning.”

 

 I replied:

 

“That is a good topic idea.  You're right that it's a bit challenging because of the lack of female participation, but I do think many of the men have some perspective on how their wives would likely relate to it.  I do suspect that the identity issue as you describe it is an inhibitor. And, there is the flipside, of course, i.e. men who may be interested in this kind of lifestyle but struggle with not wanting to be seen as "submissive".

 

Mike responded:

 

“You raised an interesting point that I hadn’t really considered before. But yes, for a long time it was also difficult for me to admit that, at least in certain aspects of my life — my home life — I am submissive. Even now, it still lingers in my mind to what extent my wife might see me as less of a “real man” because of our DD dynamic.

 

It would be interesting to hear to what extent others struggle with this as well, and what the process was like for them to reconcile their identity and self-image with the need for this kind of discipline.

 

I thought his topic suggestion was very interesting, so let’s do it. I’m not sure whether this is a brand new one, but I can’t remember any other time that we’ve addressed directly the issue of a wife’s perceived personal identity and how it might be an impediment to embracing the Disciplinary Wife role.  

 

Because this does seem to be a new topic for us, I haven’t been able to find any relevant comments from the wives on prior posts.  I also did ask Anne if she’d weigh in on this one, along with last week’s topic regarding enjoying giving spankings and having the authority of a Disciplinary Wife.  She indicated she would get me something, but she seems to have gotten distracted with another project.

 

I also searched my extensive collection of memes and spanking art, and I couldn’t find much that felt relevant to this issue of the spanker's, or prospective spanker’s, sense of identity presenting an impediment to adopting or embracing a Domestic Discipline role.

 

And, as Mike pointed out, this topic seems almost uniquely difficult to address without major input from the wives.  So, hopefully some of those who lurk will weigh in, and I’d encourage all our male contributors to ask their wives for input.

 

Without input from Anne or the other wives, I’m kind of winging it, but here goes . . .

 

I definitely understand and sympathize with wives who have a view of their identity that seems to conflict with being a disciplinarian.  In fact, I kind of feel that way personally.  I get lucky that Anne has no interest in being on the receiving end of a disciplinary spanking, because I’m not sure I could ever give one.  It’s probably a reflection of being a witness to domestic violence growing up, but I have a very strong, very deep, visceral negative reaction to the thought of “hurting” a woman, even if it were totally consensual.  And, I have an even more negative reaction to the thought of exercising power and authority over a woman.

 

Now, I caveated the statement about not being able to give a disciplinary spanking with “I’m not sure . . .” because in the last year or two, I’ve started feeling a little less adamant in my view that I could never, ever give a woman a spanking. I’m not sure why, but I think for some reason I’m my gut feeling against it isn’t quite as strong, and I’m more understanding of the fact that many women want to be the “bottom” in these kind of relationships for many of the same reasons I do.  I’ve always known that intellectually, but I accept it a little more in my gut now than I used to.

 

So, all that is to explain that I do understand that some women not only will not be willing to take on the role of disciplinary spanker but might feel it would conflict with the way they see themselves in some very fundamental way.

 

I think for most, however, it’s a lot more subtle than that, and many of our personality attributes are less hard-wired, and our attitudes toward engaging in certain practices less strong.  And, isn't it true that some of us sometimes have various seemingly contradictory identities that each demand some expression?

 

Further, I don’t think we should always just accept our “natural” personalities and leave it at that.  I suspect that it took Anne a while to start really identifying with her disciplinary role, but I think she would readily admit that at the time I proposed that we try the kind of lifestyle depicted in The Disciplinary Wives Club, she lacked confidence and tended to passive-aggression whenever disputes inevitably arose. I’m very sure that she likes the more confident personality that came into play over time, even if it probably didn’t feel natural in the beginning.  Personalities, preferences, and interests can and do change over time, sometimes for the better.

 

 

That obviously applies to those of us who are on the receiving end of our wife’s discipline.  In fact, the whole reason I found the DWC so appealing was that it was such a huge departure from our then-current relationship dynamic, and it seemed like such a fundamental challenge to my identity; an identity that I wasn’t always happy with.  I knew that I needed boundaries placed around my personality’s excesses and needed some humbling.

 

I also think that one answer to Mike’s observation that wives may struggle with a conflict between their perceived identity and the role of disciplinary spanker is to not make that gap larger than it needs to be.  One reason I think the DWC appealed to many women was that it didn’t seem like a huge stretch from ordinary married life. It didn’t involve any of the “whips and chains” Femdom dynamic or the play-acting and scenes often associated with BDSM.  It could involve an expansive power shift but didn’t have to. No special dress or uniform required.  Just be yourself, but with a bit more power to get your way.

 

To me, one practical lesson from the DWC is that it is most likely to work when the husband is asking the wife to “stretch” her comfort zone a bit but not to suddenly become something totally different. The more we layer up the initial arrangement with fantasies that aren’t aligned with who our wives typically are, the more she’s likely to reject the whole thing. 

 

Now, that said, as I prepared for this post by going through some of the DWC materials, I was a little surprised at how little they addressed the issue of how a wife might make the leap if her identity wasn’t naturally that of a “take charge” disciplinarian.  In some of the materials, there did seem to be this implicit assumption that the lifestyle was so self-evidently empowering that women would just naturally jump into the role if they gave it a try.  It’s certainly true that none of the stories depict a wife who really struggles to reconcile who she thinks she is with what a DWC-style relationship might entail.

 

I wonder whether part of that presumption that women would find this kind of relationship natural was related to the way the DWC promoted the “maternal” aspect of Domestic Discipline.  Even if a wife didn’t naturally think of her identity as including taking charge of her husband, she might already be in charge of kids and much of the household dynamic.  Maybe it just didn’t seem like much of a stretch to expand the maternal identity to encompass providing much-needed discipline to a misbehaving husband?   

 

One of our commenters who I miss a lot, KOJ, described his wife’s attitude toward her role like this:

 

But the day-to-day operations of our home were totally her domain, and I just took my marching orders (or else). Eventually, that authority spread to my behavior in all situations. She believed that most men are little boys in big bodies and need to be reined in by loving female authority. ‘Loving’ included punishment, which could be severe.

 

When I asked Anne to consider a DWC-style relationship, I was asking her to expand her comfort zone, but I don’t think I was suggesting a sudden “major” change that would make her feel like she was violating some aspect of her identity.  Also, I think it helped that initially there was a set of agreed-upon rules, and I was to report weekly on whether I’d broken them, with the minimum spanking severity being a purely mathematical function.  Unless she wanted to add more than was required, stretching her comfort zone didn’t have to involve much more than swinging a paddle a prescribed number of times. The first time the tally added up to a shockingly high (in my view) number of swats, there was an aspect of, "This is what we both agreed to," that probably made it feel much more casual to her than it did to me in that moment.

 

And, today, after more than 20 years of this, she's increasingly comfortable in not just embodying the role but, to some extent, displaying it.

 

 

So, to the extent you know or have a reasonable belief, how has “identity” impacted your wife’s willingness or ability to embrace her DD role?  Was it ever an impediment to adopting that role?  If so, were the two of you able to find ways to help make your disciplinary practices compatible with her identity? Or, did her personality/identity grow or change over time to meet the role?

 

And, what about the point I raised with Mike regarding how “identity” impacts the husbands?  This is probably much less of an issue for those who see themselves as “submissive”, but Mike noted that he struggled with whether his wife would see him as less manly; manliness is certainly one aspect of personality that some of us identify strongly with or hope that others identify us with.  And, what about those of us who struggle to reconcile their DD desires with the fact that they do not see themselves a submissive?  Are there other ways in which your identity and your status as a DD husband might feel incompatible?  How did you/do you deal with that?

 

I don’t know why, but I don’t think I ever really struggled with a perceived incompatibility between my identity and my DD desires.  It may be that the DWC materials again were helpful, in that the men in the stories weren’t portrayed as “wimpy” or stereotypically submissive.  I also think it helped that I recognized that my personality was probably too manly at times. I didn’t see changing certain aspects of my identity as a bad thing; in fact, that was kind of the goal.

 

But, I can think of one specific area where DD probably did cause some tension.  A few years ago, there were a couple of incidents in which Anne scolded me very strongly, and gave a couple of very hard spankings, when she objected to how I had talked at a social event or engaged with others.  She saw it as overbearing, and she took offense—or thought others might take offense—at some specific comments I made. I just didn’t see it that way, but the problem wasn’t so much that we disagreed but that it felt like she was trying to manage my communications, and verbal communications had always been at the heart of my career and, in fact, my whole identity. Those were one of the few times that I felt real resentment after a spanking, and it didn’t go away quickly.

 

But, it did go away, or at least it seemed to become less of an issue over time.  Although it was hard at the time, I recognized that it was part and parcel of giving up control in a real way. I’d always said I wanted Anne to exercise more control and that she had the power to discipline me whenever she thought it was needed.  The identity-based issue of how I communicated with others was such an area, and for this to be real, I had to accept it even if I didn’t like it.

 

How about you?  Has your identity made it harder, or easier, to accept your role as a disciplined husband?  If it has been an issue, how did you deal with it?

His Spanking - Her Satisfaction/Pleasure/Fulfillment (Club Meeting - 542)

 “To exact revenge for yourself or your friends is not only a right, it's an absolute duty.” -Stieg Larsson

 Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

I hope you all had a great week. Mine was, once again, pretty uneventful.  Trips to the gym.  Physical therapy.  Some hikes in the woods. And, despite all the physical activity, disappointment at how freaking hard it is to get the number on the scale to start heading down in a meaningful way.  Sigh.

 

Thanks for the positive feedback on the changes to the blog. I hope that the inclusion of DWC materials, and my updates to my own Tips & Methods section, makes the blog more useful as a centralized resource for those exploring this lifestyle for the first time.

 

As for last week’s post, although we didn’t get a huge number of comments, there were some good ones on spanking when angry.  I think my primary takeaway from it was that, while most wives don’t routinely spank in anger, when they do we tend to really remember it.  There clearly is an emotional power in her anger that gets transmitted into our minds through our bottoms.

 

It also seems to be the case that anger can free the wife to give the kind of spanking the behavior deserves. As TB noted:

 

The few times she has punished me in the heat of anger have been truly memorable. The emotion seems to fuel her strength and determination, whilst making her even more oblivious to my discomfort.

 

The commenter going by DD concurred regarding how anger often results, perhaps unsurprisingly, in a much longer and harder spanking:

 

“My wife spanks me angry routinely. When she is upset the spankings are worse but deserved. I will usually get a much longer and more intense verbal dressing down before and during the spanking when she is upset and spanks in the moment. They definitely help her burn off the anger. She is usually not angry anymore 5-10 minute after the spanking ends. She has also spanked me a few times when I was angry/upset and it definitely fixed my attitude as well.”

 

 

The other big takeaway was that when women do spank in anger, it does seem to result in a kind of catharsis for them. Further, the anger seems to be a gateway for some women to make a transition from seeing DD as something done exclusively for his benefit, to something that serves her emotional interests as well.  This was illustrated in this comment from Mike:

 

“I’m pretty late to the discussion, but I want to share my own experience regarding anger. Normally, my wife spanks me about once a month to deal with all my misdemeanors from the previous month. Because so much time has usually passed between the transgressions and the spanking, there’s no real emotion on her side. She doesn’t like spanking me, so it’s fairly clinical and not as severe as it could—or perhaps should—be.

 

A few months ago, though, we had an instance where we got into a big fight in the morning and she was genuinely upset with me. The kids weren’t awake yet, so she ordered me to the basement and started spanking me OTK with her hand. She was livid and really letting me have it. She had me change sides twice because her hand hurt and she needed to use the other one. The whole time, she was telling me how lucky I was that she’d forgotten the paddle upstairs.

 

The spanking itself wasn’t that bad since she only used her hand—I’ve had worse—but the emotional effect was very different. I felt that, in that moment, she was spanking me because she wanted to, not because she felt obligated to. Afterwards, she told me she actually felt a lot better and that the issue was settled (her hand was still red and sore while she was sitting in her work meeting later that morning).

 

So, I think that, especially for women who don’t enjoy giving spankings, anger can act as a catalyst.

  

So, given that it seems to have so many benefits—a memorable experience for him, a catharsis for her, the slate cleared, and perhaps a sense that justice was served--why does there seem to be such reluctance when it comes to spanking in anger and such a premium placed on composure and control?  MW noted one possibility:

 

"Don't spank in anger" seems like a principle from when the spanker is a man or a parent, when lack of self-control would be harmful. A typical woman can't hurt a man in the same way. Please understand I'm not speaking to the real problem of domestic violence, only commenting on a wife's relative size and power in a domestic discipline relationship.

 

It's an interesting thought.  I also suspect that we’ve all been conditioned—women in particular—to see anger as an exclusively negative emotion.

 

Similarly, aren’t we all conditioned to view concepts like retribution and revenge—also referred to, a bit more lightly, as “payback”—in a negative light?  But, should we?  If we’re honest, isn’t payback part of the benefits of DD that a Disciplinary Wife can, and perhaps should, enjoy?

 

In keeping with the spirit of Alan’s suggestion that I try to incorporate archived comments from some of our Disciplinary Wife commenters from long ago, here is something “Holly” had to say about her motivations for spanking her husband:

 

“Deterring his childish and unacceptable behavior is my reason for spanking him. It was my original reason, encouraged by my mother (appropriately), and I had reason to believe it was something he wanted too, but he was unable to admit he needed boundaries (now he readily admits it).

 

But my desire to punish him is also part of it and was probably there from the beginning. I am getting stricter with him, which means his appointments with Ms. Strap happen once or twice a month. Controlling his behavior is still what motivates me, but payback with a sound spanking is part of what I get out of it too. I guess what I am saying is—and I’m a little shocked at saying it—even if I got no behavior rewards from spanking him, I still would do it for punishment.

 

Maybe I am turning into a bitch, but men just do better with boundaries and consequences.” – Holly

 

 

One thing I always appreciated about Holly was her seeming clarity and self-awareness about her own motivations.  I sometimes wonder whether one of the biggest impediments to wives adopting Domestic Discipline readily and joyfully is reluctance to entertain some of these emotions or desires—like “payback”—out of a fear of being judged or out of a kind of deeply socialized belief that those kinds of emotions are wrong.  Yet, isn't there something very natural and human in taking some satisfaction in someone getting what they have coming?

 

 

But, it seems like the reluctance to admit to taking some pleasure in being the agent of his accountability often recedes over time and, in some cases, is replaced with candidly admitting to enjoying at least the power to spank and, in some rare cases, to enjoying the spanking itself.  Here are is a comment from former commenter “Elizabeth”, illustrating the transition from spanking as obligation to spanking as a satisfying expression of female power:

 

“This is going to sound silly, but when I started spanking my husband, I had no idea that it would give me power. I thought I was providing him a service that he had requested, not unlike ironing his shirts!

 

He identified the behaviors that he thought he should be punished for, and he confessed when he had misbehaved. I then carried out the discipline in a rather clinical way. It was not exciting for me, and I did not really think it was giving me any special authority over him. I got the benefit of his improved behavior, but no direct benefit to me.

 

Over time, however, I began to realize the power that he had offered me, and it began to change our relationship significantly and even change me personally. I became much more assertive, not just with him but in other aspects of my life. And then as our DD relationship developed, I began to exercise more power over him, such as totally controlling his drinking.

 

I began to enjoy having that power.  It wasn't erotic for me for a long time. It was just a sense of excitement, and even comfort, that I had authority that I once didn't have; that I knew he would listen to me and stop arguing when I ordered him to.

 

Over a number of years, this authority has drifted into the bedroom as well. It was always erotic for him, as his erections before and after punishment showed me from the very beginning. But now, I am much more assertive in bed, and the frequency of receiving oral sex has increased dramatically for me (on command) and decreased dramatically for him (on his birthday and our anniversary). While he initiated the idea of me being more in control in the bedroom, as has happened with virtually all our changes related to DD, I am the one who is now in charge of it. And I admit that now I do feel that there is something erotic about bossing him around and having this degree of authority over him, in and out of the bedroom.

 

I find all this very surprising but also very beneficial to our marriage.”

 

It seems like admitting that feeling empowered by DD is hard, and admitting that the empowerment is very erotic is even harder, yet some women like Elizabeth get there.  Here is a similarly candid comment from Susie; this comment being, I believe, the one time we’ve heard directly from Al’s wife:

 

“As Al has posted here before, I simply enjoy the power that being a disciplinary wife brings to me. I enjoy giving the actual spanking and his reactions, and bringing him to complete submissiveness as I spank him. Bad attitudes and arguments are settled at once, and once settled we are closer, more intimate, and more open with each other because of it. That is a huge benefit of being a Disciplinary Wife.

 

Spanking has helped him improve certain bad behaviors and habits as well but, most importantly, it has somewhat improved his tendency to be arrogant and condescending. He still has a problem with it, but there's nothing like a good butt blistering to remind him that he is not so tough after all. And it sure makes me feel better.” Susie (Al’s wife)

 

Susie is one of a very small handful of commenters who have admitted to enjoying not only the authority and power of being a Disciplinary Wife but also to enjoying the spanking itself, including .  Here is a similar admission from Danielle:

“Incidentally, the problem wasn’t a reluctance to spank on my part. On the contrary, I had started to enjoy spankings. I liked having the power to humble Wayne that way. I liked the one-sided “discussions” when he was bent over with his bottom bared. I liked deciding whether to use the paddle, the hairbrush, or the strap, and how long and hard to apply them depending on my mood and the reason for punishment. I liked the sound of the implements striking bare skin. I liked how responsive he was, physically and vocally. I think Brett is right about spanking being “a form of communication.” As such, it is a form of self-expression for the spanker.”

 

In your DD relationship, where does the Disciplinary Wife fall on the spectrum of experiencing—and admitting to experiencing—enjoyment, catharsis, satisfaction, or other positive emotions from giving a spanking or from being a spanking wife?

 

Does she see it primarily as a chore, like Elizabeth in the early days, or does she experience the kind of satisfaction Holly experienced in holding her husband accountable?

 

If she admits to some personal enjoyment or satisfaction, is it associated with the power and authority, the payback, the accountability, or with giving the spanking itself?  Some combination of these? 

 

Has her level of enjoyment or satisfaction changed over time? If so, were there particular events or circumstances that seemed to be inflection points?  Connecting this topic to last week's, was it the case that acknowledging her own anger helped nudge her from seeing spanking as a chore to getting some personal satisfaction or enjoyment out of it?

 

Alan (and maybe Glenmore?) had suggested that I interview Anne, or solicit her views, on some posts. I think I’ll try to do this for this one, but I didn’t decide on this topic soon enough to get her views before posting. If she gives me those views, I’ll either update the post or put in in the comments.  But, I’ll note for now that in the past she’s drawn a line between enjoying the process of ordering a spanking and enjoying the spanking itself.  

 

She’s said that she enjoys the whole pre-spanking process, especially ordering me to get ready for the spanking, knowing that I really don’t want one. She admits to taking pleasure in watching me comply when she orders me to go to the bedroom; coming into the bedroom and finding me standing there naked, with her tools laid out on the ottoman; and, ordering me to go over her knee and watching me do it, know what she is about to do to me.  

 

And, I do think she enjoys the whole process of leaving me anxiously anticipating what is going to happen.

 

What she’s been a little less clear about is whether she enjoys the spanking itself.  I suspect that her answer might be different today than earlier in our DD journey.

 

I look forward to your comments on this one.  Have a great week.

Spanking and Being Spanked When Angry (Club Meeting 541)

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." – Mark Twain.

 

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

I hope you had a great week. Mine was uneventful, which is actually a great thing given today’s date.  As I write this, we are 10 days into the new year, which according to conventional wisdom is about the time all those New Years resolutions fall apart, not to be referenced again for another 355 days. 

 

Yet (knock on wood), I’m still pretty much on track.  I had one day where I went out to lunch with a friend and my resolve to eat nothing fried and have zero beers feel apart. But, it wasn’t like a major fail.  I’ve worked out or done lots of hiking in the mountains every day.

 

The only downside to that is the Domestic Discipline aspect of our relationship is so off-track right now.  Between the surgery and both of us being wiped out by the flu at year-end, it’s been almost three months with it being completely off the table.  Not that I’m missing being spanked.  I’m not. But, I am missing the dynamic as a whole. 

 

But, it is, of course, inevitable that something will happen that results in me being over her knee. (Or, for the next month or so, maybe bent over the bed.)  And, I feel like we’re both finally getting back to a more normal existence, after a less-than-ideal cycle in which things just weren’t normal at all.

 

 

Things not being quite back to normal did give me some time, however, to complete a little project I’ve been thinking about for a while. If you look under the blog title and description, you’ll note some new tabs.  Upon clicking on those tabs, you’ll find a huge amount of the content from the Disciplinary Wives Club website, including Aunt Kay’s “Tips & Method”, all of the Fiction Stories, and all but a tiny number of the Real People stories.  (I left out two or three that were more like letters to Aunt Kay regarding the stuff sold in the DWC’s store or otherwise weren’t really “stories” per se.)

 

It took a lot longer than I’d anticipated to move all of it over, though some of that is my own fault. In addition to resolving all the formatting issues copying the material from the archived DWC website on the Wayback machine to Word and then into Blogger, I also couldn’t resist the temptation to read each entry and scrub or the most obvious typos and glaring grammatical problems.  After almost 30 years of editing written work product, I just couldn’t resist doing some clean up. 

 

I also did a fairly substantial re-write on my own Tips & Methods section.

 

Finally, you may (or may not) have noticed the new blog title and description. As I told Al in a recent comment, when I created this blog, I was conscientious—maybe to a fault—about trying not to step on any toes where the DWC was concerned. But, especially since Kay's passing, her husband “Jerry” has maintained that I should do what I want with any of that content. In an ideal world, he'd like to see a real club arise again, and I think he's always been a little disappointed that leading a group the way Kay did just isn't Anne's thing.  But, I would like to ensure that the best of its content remain genuinely accessible. Although archived editions of the DWC website are available on the Wayback Machine, I’m guessing 95% of the potential audience for the DWC content have never even heard of that web archive and would have no idea how to access it.

 

Moreover, I think the highest and best use for both that content and this blog may be making sure that content is fully available and on an existing platform that interested people can actually find because it regularly pops up in Google searches.  So, at this point, I feel pretty good about importing the main sections of the DWC website over to here, so they are available to the widest group possible.  I’m also hopeful the new title may bring a few more female participants back into the fold.

 

 

Anyway . . . thanks for those of us who participated in last week’s discussion, which centered on experiences asking for a DD relationship and advice to those who think they want to ask their spouses to give it a try.  I was a little surprised at the number of people who had tried to ask but been rejected or were kind of limping along trying to get it off the ground.  I hope they all keep trying and have better luck in the future.

 

As for this week, it’s only the second week of January and I’m already kind of struggling to come up with new topics.  Having nothing else in mind, I decided to leverage one of Al’s comments from last week, which discussed spanking when one or both parties are angry.  We’ve talked about spanking when angry before, but it’s been over a year, and Al’s comment focused not just on spankings that happen when the spanker is angry but the practicalities of spanking when the spankee also is angry and not in a good place mentally/emotionally to cooperate:

 

“I recall that very early on we discovered that her deciding to spank me in the middle of a "serious real fight" was not practical. Although she would certainly be ready to immediately resolve any such issue with the paddle, we both understood that it was unrealistic to assume that I would be able to submit to a paddling when tempers were running hot on both sides.

 

During our first couple of months, we got into it hot and heavy one afternoon (when the kids were out) - and after a short while, she ordered me to go get the paddle. At the moment, I was genuinely angry (and we are both naturally alpha at heart) and refused (and rather rudely at that). Fortunately, my wife was wise enough to understand my state of mind - and did not let it derail our DWC lifestyle. At the moment, she said she was going out shopping for a while and we would talk when she got back. When she returned, she immediately asked if I was ready for my spanking now. I had calmed down and consented, had my rear thoroughly blistered - and then we had a talk in which we came to an agreement that if I was genuinely too angry to accept a spanking during an intense (angry) argument, that I could respectfully request a postponement till I calmed down - but there would be a penalty attached to that (double whacks, an additional spanking later that day or the next, etc).

 

I did have to ask for a postponement a few times over the early years - and on occasion she would avoid the situation and tell me that I would be spanked later. One of my goals, however, as a disciplined husband was to come to the point where I would never have to ask for a postponement - and take the spanking even if "I was not in the place for a spanking" or if "we were not in a good place". And, I was able to do that over the years - and have not had to ask for a postponement in recent years.

 

Ideally, in a DD relationship, the disciplined spouse could never refuse discipline - just as a child would not be able to refuse a spanking (our much discussed illusion of consensual non-consent). However, in the real world of hot-headed adults, that possibility always exists - whether we want to acknowledge that or not - so probably best to have some sort of plan in place of that situation (in the "contract") so as not to damage the DWC dynamic in the home.

 

I will add that our regimen of weekly maintenance spankings has always helped maintain the disciplinary wife mentality - and the habit of spanking - in our home. Which helps keep me in a state of mind in which I am more likely to accept a spanking without question (even in a tense situation).”

 

Everything Al said about how spanking in anger/spanked when angry probably has to work in the real world makes sense to me.  Yet, it’s not a scenario I’ve dealt with very often, if at all.  His scenario  involves the following parts: (a) a serious fight; (b) during which the wife orders a spanking; (c) the husband is too angry to accept one and, therefore, refuses; (d) so, the wife lets him simmer down a bit and then spanks him.

 

Anne and I have had serious fights, but that’s where the scenario begins and ends for us.  First, it has really never happened that Anne and I have been in a serious fight and, in response, she has ordered a spanking.  In fact, she seldom thinks (according to her) about spanking as an option when she’s super angry. 

 

Second, if she were to order one, I don’t know that I’ve ever been so angry or upset that I simply would not comply. Rather, I would probably accept it, but it would be sullen and resentful and would almost certainly leave both of us feeling even more angry and upset. Often, a spanking has a magical way of making me see her side of things, but that likely wouldn't be the case if I were super angry.

 

Third, Anne tends to stay angry longer than I do, so it’s very unlikely that in a fight she would be the voice of reason who let me simmer down and then initiated the spanking after cooler heads had prevailed.

 

 

Alan suggested a couple of weeks ago that I try to provide more female perspective on a topic, including possibly interviewing Anne about it. I think it’s a great idea, though I’m going to have to think about how to handle that logistically.  The challenge is, many weeks (like this one), I do not have an advance flash on inspiration and often settle on a topic only at the very last minute.  So, I may have to get her opinion on a topic only after I’ve posted it.  However, if we have addressed similar topics in the past, I will try to pull up comments from Disciplinary Wife commenters.

 

I couldn’t find much in the comments I’ve culled and curated about what should happen when the husband is the angry one.  In fact, I didn’t find many Disciplinary Wife comments regarding spanking and anger, but I did find this one:

 

“Yes, I have and do spank when I'm angry. Sometimes I don't get over the anger quickly, and he has a spanking coming asap, so he gets it asap.

 

If we're out and he really does something that warrants discipline I let him know he's going over my knee when we get home, and he does. The ride home can calm my anger, some or all, but I'm still as stern as ever. If I do calm down, right before the spanking I make sure he knows what he did to earn the trip over my lap, and explaining the issue to him, or making him tell me himself, can get me going again. Either way, I don't want him able to sit comfortably for a good while afterward.

 

If I'm upset or angry and it's pretty much an immediate spanking, then I'm usually spanking his bottom on every word as I scold. I also tend to concentrate on the thighs and lower bottom.

 

(I love that RedRump's wives often show genuine anger!)

 I'm also very much aware, and amazed, at the complete lack of resistance, backtalk, negotiating or even apologies when I'm angry and announce the spanking he's getting. I'm sure he's nervous, afraid even, and doesn't want to make it worse by even attempting to say something inappropriate.

My husband has learned "resistance is futile" and not smart at these times. I can literally bark out one-word commands, and they are followed in silence.

 

For example, once he made me very angry and was going to be spanked. I ordered him as follows and he complied. (FYI), it was a serious issue and had to be dealt with.)

 

“Upstairs!” (Husband quickly went up those stairs, looking back as I followed, removing my belt.)

 

“Strip completely!” (I stood, strap in hand, watching him strip nude.)

 

“Face Down!” I pointed to the bed with my belt.

 

I then whipped his little butt and thighs good!

 

“Get Up!”

 

“Brush!” I pointed toward the dresser. He did as told, bringing me the brush, and then stood rubbing his bottom as I scolded his behavior.

 

“Over my knee!” I locked his legs and held his wrist.

 

I proceeded to beat his strapped backside; he really got the spanking of his life!

 

As my husband yelled, pleaded and promised, it was one of the few times he teared up and cried a little.” – Shannon

 

Because Anne often doesn’t think of spanking when she’s very angry, or it gets ordered after she has settled down, it’s been very rare that I’ve gotten spanked when she is in the kind of mood that “Shannon” describes.  But, were it to happen, I suspect I’d feel kind of overwhelmed by the display and would be very compliant.

 

A somewhat different perspective on anger came from Elizabeth, who emphasized that one of the big benefits of Domestic Discipline is its tendency to reduce anger:

 

“For us, and to me this is an important point, DD has REDUCED the anger in our marriage by an exponential degree. That is possibly the most important benefit -- that I do not feel resentful about his behavior! Why would I possibly want to feel the anger that some of you describe? Anger is an unhealthy emotion that does not feel good at all, in my opinion.

 

Do I vent while spanking and scolding? Yes! Do I sometimes feel relieved and calm after paddling Frank? Yes. So, I feel I get the benefits without the detriments of anger: flushed, rapid heartbeat, anxiety, and most of all, distance from my husband.

 

I guess I just don't have the control of some of the wives described here who can flip their anger on and off like a light switch. To me, and to everyone I have ever seen get angry, it doesn't work that way. I'd love to hear from a wife who can actually do that rather than having her feelings interpreted through her spanked husband.” – Elizabeth

 

I seem to recall that ZM has talked about how his wife can seemingly turn her anger off entirely, then turn it back on when it is spanking time.  That’s not a personality trait Anne or I have.  When she gets mad, it lasts a while and is on full display.

 

This isn’t a Disciplinary Wife comment, but Aunt Kay’s husband offered what I thought was a common sense retort to those who advise against ever spanking in anger:

 

“I don't think it makes any sense to set things up that a woman should not spank in anger. I understand the reasoning. But what could possibly be more therapeutic for her and a more completely genuine experience for him than ‘completing the scene’ in real time?

 

I understand about the waiting, and anticipating, and all that. And handling things that way absolutely belongs in a DWC wife's bag of options. But there is something really compelling and pure about the real thing in real time.” – Tomy (Jerry)

 

Although I have very little experience with it, I do think I understand what he means about a “more completely genuine experience” and there being something compelling about “the real thing in real time.” In fact, I can see how the experience of her expressing her anger in real time would make for a more genuine experience for both parties, though I can also see who it would be very likely to be one of those "be careful what you wish for" things as well.

Coincidentally, he sent me a video a few weeks ago that kind of illustrates what I think he’s talking about.  I’ll put it in the comments, since Blogger tends to block links in the post.

 

What are your thought on anger and spanking? Have you ever been too angry to comply with a spanking order or demand?  How did that work out? Does your wife have a way of dealing with it when you are angry when she decides you need to be spanked?  Is her way of dealing with it consistent with or different from the way you think it should be dealt with?

 

How about the wife spanking in anger?  Does your wife spank when she’s angry?  How does that affect the severity, length, or other quality of the spanking, if at all? 

 

Does it change your emotional reaction to the spanking?  

 

If she does spank you when she’s angry, does the spanking actually cause the anger to go away or dissipate?

 

 

I hope you all have a great week.