Forum Question of the Week #42: Disciplinary Wives Born or Made?

Good morning all.  Welcome back.  It seemed like a long week.

We had a flurry of activity from or about the Disciplinary Women in our relationships.  It was great to get some participation from the "giving" end of the DD relationships.  Many of the comments discussed how or why the disciplinary relationship came into being, and the range of responses was really interesting.

Some learned about domestic discipline from a friend or co-worker, and decided to explore it.

Some are second generation disciplinary wives who grew up in a disciplinary home and learned it from their mother.

Or from overhearing or seeing a spanking being given.

Some began with the man asking for or suggesting it, while a surprising number were initiated by the women.

At the risk of stating the obvious, regardless of how each DD relationship began, they all involve a  woman either initiating or at least acquiescing to taking on the dominant, disciplinary role.  So, my question is, are disciplinary and otherwise dominant women made or born?  Do they tend to have naturally dominant personalities, or do they learn to take control over time, possibly using a "fake it 'til you make it"  strategy of acting dominant until it increasingly becomes their real nature?  Is there an underlying interest in spanking or dominance, or do they have some epiphany that leads them to want to give it a try?  Also, does disciplining their husbands lead to changes in their day to day life, such as becoming more assertive at work or more confident in social situations?

I know the "answer" is, of course, all the above.  But, tell us your thoughts and let us know the answers as they apply to your or your relationships.  And, as always, take a moment to put something in the Guestbook if you haven't in the past or just have something new to say.

Also, I've added a couple of stories to the User Stories section (see tab above).  Drop by and give them a read, and think about adding something of your own.  If it's a short story, just put it in a comment to the story at the top of the User Stories page.  If it's longer, send me an email and I'll post it.  Have a great week.

Dan

Happy (Belated) Birthday to Us!

Welcome back everyone!  I am one of those husbands/fathers/sons who would chronically miss every anniversary and birthday if not for  electronic calendars and alarms, and even then I still screw it up more often than not.  Therefore it came as no particular surprise when, after saying in a post that this blog was "almost" a year old, I checked the date of my very first posting and found that the first birthday of The Disciplined Husbands Forum actually came and went a month ago.  Time does fly, doesn't it?

So, let's reflect a little bit on where we are.  We've gone from a tiny handful of readers to over a thousand on peak days.  Not bad.  While our number of weekly comments still doesn't approach that of some other spanking blogs, in the last couple of months we've had several people become fairly regular posters.  While participation by disciplinary women remains pretty low, we do get the occasional comment from women who haven taken their problem-child husbands firmly in hand, so to speak.  So, all in all, this group has come a long way, and I want to thank all those who come back every week to see what we are up to and perhaps contribute a line or two.

We also have learned a little bit about the people who comprise this little community.  Here are the final results of my year-long, totally unscientific poll, which included 949 total respondents, of whom:

607 (63%) identified themselves as disciplined husbands
35 (3%) identified themselves as a disciplinary female
250 (26%) are "disciplined males in waiting"
18 (1/%) are "female disciplinarians in waiting"
6 (< 1%) are disciplined females
75 (7%) are just curious

Now, again, this is a completely unscientific sampling.  In the time this blog has been up, there have been over 200,000 page views, but less than 1,000 took the poll. But, it may provide some interesting clues to the composition and motivations of those involved in TTWD.  First, it is clear that the number of men who visit this kind of blog dwarfs the number of women, by a factor of 20x.  What isn't as clear is whether that means more men are interested in domestic discipline, far more men are interested in F/m domestic discipline than are women, or do men just spend a lot more time than women visiting blogs and particularly blogs with "kinky" content.  It would be depressing if there are 20 times more men looking for disciplinary relationships than women willing to accommodate them, and thankfully the numbers do not quite seem to bear that out, given that 63% of those who took the poll indicated that they are men who actually are being disciplined in their current relationships.  That would seem to indicate that the skewed poll results come from a skewed readership, i.e. there are just a lot more men seeking out and finding this blog.  Of course, the fact that the masthead identifies it as a forum for men might have something to do with that.  Duh. See below for more on that.

We've also learned a little more in the last few days about origins and how we came to be in or to want this kind of relationship.  Here, the trends surprised me a bit.  Based on other blogs, communications with other contributors, etc., I have assumed that domestic discipline relationships usually begin with the man requesting it.  Some of the recent comments here, in the Guestbook, and on a couple of other blogs I follow are leading me to question that assumption.  People seem to be finding their way to these relationships in a variety of ways.  One began with a spanking by a mother-in-law.  Some were instigated by the woman taking control at the beginning of the marriage, and those seem to regularly involve multi-generational F/m relationships, i.e. the new disciplinary wife grew up in a household where her mother was in charge.  Others transitioned into domestic discipline after years of traditional marriage, often because the tradition wasn't working.

As for the interest in spanking, there does seem to be a common, though not universal, theme of it starting early in life.  But, as I said, it's not universal.  I had no interest at all in spanking or DD until well into my '30s.  And, there doesn't seem to be any real pattern with respect to why people become fascinated with the idea of being spanked or with receiving female discipline.  Some were spanked in childhood.  Some were not.  Some had early encounters with female authoritarian figures.  Some did not.  Some associate the need for discipline as an adult with getting it as a child, while others think that they are interested in it as an adult precisely because they did not get it growing up.

In short, I've learned a lot over this year, and I hope you have, too.  One really important thing I learned relates to my own motivation for doing this and what I want this blog to be when it grows up. When I wrote that very first post, I was not really sure where I wanted to take it.  I knew that I wanted it to be very participatory and inclusive.  I also knew that I did not want it focused on me and my own experiences.  I wanted it to be a discussion, not a journal.  But, some contributors said they wanted to hear more about my own views and experiences.   And, a part of me does sometimes want to share a particular event in my own DD life, or some frustration that I'm experiencing, etc., and to experience some real communication about what is going on in my own DD life.  Though I still shy away from that to some degree.  But, I think the recent interactivity in the comments is working pretty well, with some real discussion and exchange of views taking place, and I'm trying to share more about my own life without this becoming a confessional about the bad acts that often result in me making that trip to our basement "woodshed." 

I also have learned that I really want this blog to be a resource.  Without getting all self-important, I do think that there is a very powerful transformational element to F/m domestic discipline.  I believe there are lots of real world examples of it empowering women, helping men become better husbands, and helping previously dysfunctional couples take their relationship in a more positive direction.  At first, I was a little leery of taking the blog in the direction of a "how to" website for domestic discipline relationships, to a large extent because I did not want to step on the toes of the Disciplinary Wives Club, which was a great resource that played a major role in helping my wife and I figure out how to experiment with this idea of her exercising more authority over our marriage.  My reticence on that front was much reduced when the DWC closed earlier this year, and I now feel like there really is a void out there that needs to be filled for couples who want to explore the possibility of changing the power dynamic in their relationship by empowering the woman to take control and exercise her authority over her man, often by making him bend over her knee or otherwise prostrate himself to receive a well-deserved dose of discipline!  In that vein, just yesterday I got this very gratifying comment on the Guestbook from a Disciplinary Wife named Colleen:

"Your site has been a great help to us. I enjoy the questions you pose, and the comments that follow are very insightful. Ed approached me a few years ago about his need to be disciplined. Through your site and the things said by those who have commented, I understand a little better what needs to be done so that both of us can grow in the areas that need special attention."

That pretty much sums up what I want for this blog.  I want it be an inclusive resource, where people interested in this lifestyle come together to share ideas, experiences, tips, etc.  And, I really hope for more participation from the Colleens out there, i.e. the Better Halves reflected in the 600 men who identified themselves in our poll as "disciplined husbands."  With that in mind, what would people think about changing the name of the blog to something like the Disciplinary Couples Club, or something that better reflects something that is not just a forum for men, but something to be shared by men and women alike, though keeping the focus on the F/m variety of DD?  Of course, such an effort might flop regardless, given that the poll results do tend to indicate there just are not a lot of disciplinary women seeking out these kinds of websites.  But, again, is it because the title of the blog has indicated something not so inclusive?

In order to emphasize the little manifesto set out above regarding group participation, in lieu of a weekly topic this week, I want to ask everyone (including some of the silent majority who drop by each week but never say "Hi" even with an anonymous post) to go to the Guestbook tab above, and enter a comment.  The Guestbook has a series of suggested questions, but they are just that -- suggestions.  You can answer them or not, but please just drop a line or two about yourself, your interest in DD, and also let me know what I can do to make this blog better as we get further into year two.  Thanks again for making it a great year one!

The Forum 41 - More on Beginnings and Others Knowing

 Hello all.  Welcome back to the Forum.  I hope you all had a good week.  We had some great exchanges last week, branching beyond the original topic, which is how a good conversation should flow.  Our original topic began with kids knowing about their parents' domestic discipline activities, and we ended up exploring that and a lot more, including how people arrive at their fascination with disciplinary spankings and others knowing about your DD lifestyle.  

So, this week, let's explore those themes a little more, and I'll deviate slightly from our normal practice by raising two topics.  Both come from exchanges from reader and new contributor Bart Stone, whose comments on last week's topic included the following related to an early spanking from his mother-in-law: 

"I know most of your readers are here to exchange stories about as you call it funishment. What my wife and I have mostly falls into that category. What I wonder about is how many readers trace their fascination to some real disciplinary spanking as a child or some interaction with a female authoritarian figure. I am now in my sixties and have carried the feeling of my first experience for more than forty years. It is a powerful memory and being able to interact with others who might get it is very valuable."

- and -

"It was really humiliating, and I was so worried that she would tell someone. As far as I know she never did. It took sometime before I could bring myself to tell my wife because I thought she would not only think it ridiculous but also that I was some kind of weakling. That night as I sat with a sore bottom I was embarrassed thinking the family some how knew. A few times over the years my mother in law made some comments and gave me a look that made me go weak in the knees."

The second of those comments drew this response from me:

"I really can't imagine how embarrassing that would be. Though I've never had a real desire to be spanked in front of someone else or to have others know about our DD relationship, there is something I do find more than a little intriguing about the posts from you guys who have other female relatives who know about it. It has to add to the sense of vulnerability, that you are not only spanked by your wife, but have also been spanked by other women or the family and could be again, or at least that others know about the situation, know you are subject to a woman's discipline, etc."

So, for this week's topics, tell us about:

(1) Whether your fascination with spanking started with some early disciplinary spanking or encounter with a female authority figure; and

(2)  Does anyone other than your current or former DD partner know about your spanking and F/m discipline lifestyle?  If so, how did that come about?  How does it make you feel that others know.

I'll kick things off with some observations from my own experience.  See below.  Also, a reminder that the poll I instituted at the start of this blog closes soon.  (See poll on the right side of the blog, just below the picture.)  If you haven't done so already, please take a minute to let us know your status as disciplined male, female disciplinarian, someone who would like to explore either of those, or just curious. Also, please take a moment to go to the Guestbook section and tell us a little about yourself. 

Poll Closing

It is very hard for me to believe, but it has been almost a year since I started this blog.  As evidenced by the fact that the reader poll I put up shortly after I opened the blog closes in 8 days.  I wanted a year's worth of responses, because I wanted to get some answer to the question: "How many of us are there out there."  No matter how unscientific it might be. 

If you have not done so already, please take a minute to respond.  

The Forum #40 - When Should They Know

Hi all. Welcome back.  I want to begin this post with an apology.  Last week, I offended a reader in the course of responding to one of his comments.  Although I really did not mean it to be a criticism of him, it definitely could have come off that way.  It was the result of me being flippant and caustic, which sneak into my communications on a much too frequent basis.   And, although I was reacting to what I saw as him being subjected to discipline for an unfair reason, it ran afoul of one of the rules I try to live by, i.e. not judging other people's kinks or their approaches to DD.  Different strokes for different folks (pun intended, even if it was pretty bad).  So, I want to own up to being less than fully welcoming to a guest and contributor, and for once again showing that there is a reason I first went to my wife and asked her to become my disciplinarian:  I am an imperfect person, I make mistakes and, unfortunately, I tend to make the same mistakes repeatedly. I do apologize and will try to be a better host.

This week's question extends from a reader named Holly, who wrote a really great post in the Guestbook last week.  Please migrate over there and check out the whole thing, but here are the sentences that most caught my attention and provide the fodder for this week's topic:

"There wasn’t any time I wasn’t aware of domestic discipline. Mom spanked our dad never in front of us but when she took him into the bedroom there was no doubt what was going on and anyone in the house could hear it. I didn’t think much of it except that mom was definitely in charge which everyone knew anyway."

Those three short sentences raise a lot of interesting topics for discussion:

• Do your children know about your DD activities?
• Do you come from a DD home, particularly one one in which your mother spanked your father?  If so, how did that affect you, if all?
• While most of us with children probably try to hide our DD activities from them, would such knowledge necessarily be a bad thing?

Generations of women have been raised in patriarchal households, seeing their mothers live their lives in subordinate roles.  Would it really be so bad for them to see a woman firmly in control?  And, does the child's gender matter?  For example, if a female HoH might serve as a role model for her daughters, would the subservient father be a negative role model for boys?

When I asked Holly some of these questions, she provided a very thoughtful reply, cautioning in favor of erring on the side of keeping knowledge of the DD relationship away from the kids.  I tend to agree, with some misgivings, but it would be great to hear your perspectives.

Have a great week.  And, please take Holly's example and take a few moments to enter something of your own in the Guestbook, particularly if we haven't heard from you before.

Dan