Saturday, January 11, 2014

The Forum - Question of the Week #34

Welcome back to this week's Forum.  And, thanks for the flurry of responses to last week's question.  I don't think we've ever reached 20 comments before.   A small milestone, but a milestone nonetheless.  Of course, some of the increased activity seems to be the result of moving to a comment format that allows for posting replies to individual comments.   My blogging skills are basic, to say the least, and I hadn't realized how to change that setting until recently.

So, here we are again.  This week's question is about motivations for participating in this lifestyle, specifically, "What's in it for them?"   With "them" being the person in your DD relationship who has the disciplining role.  The HOH.  The "top," if you will.   Given that our focus in on F/m relationships, I'm usually referencing the woman as the discipliner, but I'm always interested in hearing from people in DD relationships of any sort.   So, what's in it for the party wielding the paddle in your relationship?  What is it that attracts them to the DD lifestyle, or at least makes them open to meeting your desires for one?  Is it a sense of power?  An erotic rush from wielding that power?  Does it satisfy their inner "control freak"?  Or, does it merely result in a better behaved partner and a more harmonious home?

As always, please take a moment to fill out the Guestbook, below, if you haven't done so before or have something new to talk about.  I've added a new question to allow people to give a few details about who they are, if they are comfortable doing that.   Also, please keep our "user generated story" feature in mind, which is accessible from the Links section to the right.  Please consider submitting one of your stories, real or fictional.


  1. What most women don’t get is a sexual charge from spanking at least in the beginning. As time goes on sex does come into it more but not at first. I have asked both women I have had a disciplinary relationship with almost exactly your question. The first was a longtime girlfriend who really enjoyed the power when she realized she had it. She liked to command obedience and seemed to enjoy some physical parts of it particularly administering OTK and the passionate lovemaking that often occurred after she punished me. This was a woman who believed in spanking for discipline and had a very positive attitude toward spanking .But she told me several times that the main reason she spanked me was that I would be impossible to live with without that “sanction” as she called it. So I would say spanking to her was a relationship tool and what she got out of it was enough power and control that she was comfortable in the relationship. The second woman I asked who is now my wife originally spanked me because I asked her to do so. We started to open us up sexually to new experiences. But it became disciplinary when she found out how well I responded to being spanked and controlled and how she could motivate me with a paddling. (Or the threat of one) She is now very comfortable spanking me and has become an expert with the “quickie” so my bottom is never very far from her paddle providing strong motivation to behave. Interestingly both women had absolutely no interest in being spanked themselves although both are sexually adventuresome.

    1. I have only had one disciplinary relationship, but it is similar to your description. My wife initially did it at my request, and became more engaged in the process once she realized that it was empowering to her. Over time, her interest has become at least a bit more erotic in nature, with some sexual charge emerging from the DD relationship, but I think it is related more to the power aspects than the act of spanking itself. And, like your two partners, she has no desire to be spanked herself.

  2. Discipline spanking for my spanker is a way to settle problems and help me correct bad habits. There is also maintenance she uses to remind me who is in charge, and there is sexual spanking. In our relationship spanking was my idea and she did it because I asked for it. She has found that she enjoys spanking me and even for discipline she gets very turned on and wet. I would have to say she found she likes the control that I was happy to give her.

  3. Mistress started out punishing me because she wanted to fulfill my 'need' to be caned and 'keep me happy.' But as our relationship grew she found issues in me that she felt required correcting and began to punish me for my faults. I also began to realise that she had a much 'bossier' attitude than I first realised and that she enjoyed being the one in control. Our DD relationship grew from there to the point now where no only does she see the benefits of using the cane but positively relishes it - and says she enjoys seeing me squirm.

  4. When we first began dating my now husband confessed to me that he very much enjoyed a woman who took charge from time to time and created a set of rules to live by. I confess I was taken back but agreed to explore a bit that sort of "play". Very soon I discovered that it was more than play and when there was punishment for his breaking rules there seemed to be a deeper commitment to me and more important to us as a couple.

    That was 11 years ago. Today he is pantied and a few of our closer friends are aware of his devotion. To others it appears at times he is merely henpecked. That idea makes us both smile.


  5. My wife has been spanking and caning my bottom for many years mainly for bad behaviour and general naughtiness, I believe its made me a better person and much more contented with life, I think she felt a bit awkward at first spanking me but nowadays she love's giving me a proper punishment spanking and caning and sometimes a good thrashing with the riding crop I love the control aspect and being made to do as I am told, I consider myself to be very lucky having a wife who's happy to control and keep me punished in this way , to day I had a smacked bottom off her with a wooden clothes brush for argueing and answering back it has left my bum nicely bruised and feeling lovely and warm.

  6. My wife will quickly admit to being a 'sadist'. But, specifically, one who likes to inflict pain on others who like to receive it. And, she's long known, she is a Dominant/Mistress... she gives orders, does not take them.
    She's had a number of play-partners before me, other guys who took beatings from her because they enjoyed it.
    But none, she will readily say, as hard as I am willing to take from it.
    So our discipline sessions are not discipline per se, but FUNishment.

  7. It seems that where spanking is used that those marriages last longer and the couples are closer with a deeper sense of comittment to each other.
    Women are usually more "emotionally" in charge anyway. My wife is very adept and comfortable using her cane to stripe my bare bottom. We both agree that it is something that is beneficial to our relationship. I am the one who is normally the bossy one and my wife always says how much more agreeable and less grouchy I am after she has caned me. I always get butterflies in the stomach when she tells me I've been a naughty boy and to go and get her cane out and wait for her in the bedroom. She loves this control every now and again and I feel a compulsion to do exactly as ordered and surrender to her control.

    She always canes hard and never less than two dozen strokes, although she allows me to get up after six or so and thank her and tell her I love her but
    she won't alow herself to be swayed from her duty and will remind me that she is nowhere near finished and insist I resume the position. After the final set
    has been administered I will have to thank her for helping make me a better person. By now the pain has been replaced by a warm glow and a feeling of
    closeness and belonging to each other, which is hard to explain. We both find this a stress reliever but my wife prefers to be the spanker but when she feels tense
    and stressed herself, again it is my bottom which provides her relief

  8. I am a wife who has been reguarly caning her husband for 30 years, for both maintainance and punsishment. He is more of the alpha male take charge type which is good in many situations but can create problems where both parties have strong personalities. He is most usually caned for being grouchy, which I think is often brought about by stress and maybe depression. Following a sound caning from the woman who knows him best and knows what is best for both him and our marriage, he is much calmer, more contrite and loving with a more cheerful disposition in general and tensions are reduced greatly on both sides.
    I always cane hard, as this will help create the necessary anticipation and fear when he knows he is due for my cane, as a lot of it is in the mind as well as the bottom. Anticipation and ritual are important. I tell him things like how sore his bottom is going to be and how much I am looking forward to seeing it all red and nicely striped. He gets turned on when I tell him to go and wait for me in the spanking room (actually a spare bedroom). Another trick I use, is to practice caning a cushion in the next room while he is waiting for me, being out of sight really builds up the apprehension when he hears the swish of the cane as it lands on the cushion as he can imaging how it is soon going to feel on his own bare bottom, probably a bit like naughty boys would feel as they waited outside their headmaster's study waiting their turn to be caned. When I come into him I can tell how excited and apprehensive he is. I will admonish him for his moods and remind him that the glass is half full and he has a lot to be thankful for and that every time he sits down he is goiung to be reminded. I will tell him things like, "you've been a naughty boy and what happens to naughty boys? I f he says he does not know I will tell him that they have their bare bottoms caned, now bend over the spanking chair. I usually give him a couple of strokes across his underpants and then tell him that the rest is going to be on his bare bottom, and ask him to lower his underpants for me. By now he knows the rules that he has to present his bottom properly and he is not allowed to clench his cheeks, nor get up without permission. If he clenches those cheeks I will give him a sharp crack on the top of his thighs as clenched cheeks reduce the size of the target area and his bottom isn't that big to begin with that I can place all the strokes that he needs. Then comes the part he really does not like but knows it is necessary. His erection disappears as his mind concentrates on the next stroke and wonders why is is submitting in the first place. When I am satisfied with my work we will hug each other which often will lead to great sex. All this was once considered kinky but it seems that since the advent of the internet that is no longer the case. Regardless of all that it has helped keep us close to each other and created feelings of mutual bonding which are hard to put into words.

    1. Thanks for the contribution Susan. I hope you'll keep coming back to tell us about your DD relationship. I wonder often how "kinky" these relationships are. There is certainly much more communication about the topic, but I do wonder how many people actually practice the lifestyle.


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