Friday, January 30, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 75

Hi all, and welcome to the weekend.   I'm posting this week's edition a bit early, because I am going to be out much of tomorrow and didn't want to leave anyone wondering, "Where the hell is he and where is my weekly fix of the Disciplined Husband's Forum?"

That was an intersting discussion last week. I can't say I know much more than I did before about whether or not most readers are subject to their wive's authority to such an extent that if she did order disclosure that he is a spanked husband, he would comply.  But, I know that virtually all of them who aren't already "out" think it is a bad idea and are really good at dodging the question on whether they would comply even if their wife were to deicide it really isn't such a bad idea.  :-)  So, let's chalk that topic up to an interesting idea that failed miserably in its implementation.

This week's topic relates to the most recently closed reader poll, which sought information on whether readers were spanked when growing up and, if so, how often and by whom.  This poll seemed to interest people a bit, as indicated by a fairly high response rate and by the fact that a large number of responses were entered shortly after I posted the poll.  Here are the results:

Spanked frequently
  19 (14%)
Spanked but only infrenquently
  69 (53%)
Never spanked
  31 (24%)
Spanked by mother/not by father
  26 (20%)
Spaned by father/not by mother
  14 (10%)
Spanked by both
  35 (27%)

I really did not have many preconceived notions about this one, and nothing in the results really surprises me that much.  Substantially more than half the responders were spanked to one extent or another, though only 14% were spanked frequently.  A healthy proportion, almost a full quarter of our viewers, were never spanekd at all.  Interestingly, the burdens of imposing discipline seem to fall somewhat harder on mothers than fathers, though a large number were spanked by both.

It should be obvious what I was trying to get at with this poll.  I wanted to see whether there was any clear link between being spanked growing up and being interested in it as an adult.  From these stats, I think it would be hard to make that leap.  So, since the data doesn't seem to go anywhere, how about the anecdotal evidence?  Do you think your own early experiences being disciplined lead to your adult interest in having it imposed on you, or for our Disciplinary Wives, your interest in imposing it on your husband?

I can see this one going either way, and my own experience seems somewhat at odds with any speculation that being spanked growing up tends to make you interested in it as an adult.  I was, in fact, spanked but not often.  I can only think of two or three total.  I'm sure there were more, but none worth remembering.  And, some of those that I do remember are enshrined in my memory more because of thebehavior that lead to them than the spanking itself.  But, it is also true that where I lived, spanking was just part of the background environment we were all raised in.  Parents spanked.  Teachers and principals spanked.  School spankings were actually the worst on several levels, because in addition to the primary spanking at school, conducted with the full knowledge of one's peers, one could often expect another licking at home as further piling on just to make sure the lesson about not acting up in school came through loud and clear.  Aunts and uncles spanked their nephews and nieces with just as much frequency and just as little sense of impropriety as with their own kids. So, while I don't recall being spanked very often, it was always in the background.

But, I do wonder sometimes whether the lack of regular spankings, and general lack of any kind of imposed discipline, especially any as I got older, did indirectly cause my later interest in DD.  As I recently related in a comment on another blog, I grew up without clear behavioral boundaries, to the point that by the time I was in high school I was, for all intents and purposes, living almost entirely by own rules.   Teenage boy's wet dream, right? Somtimes, but at a cost.  When there are no rules, and where the only consequences are those that are the natural result of your own behavior, that can be a lot of responsibility.  No one is there to literally whip you back into shape and put you on the right side of the line, so you either do it yourself, or keep doing whatever you're doing and hope catastrophe doesn't strike.  I do think that my adult desire for someone to impose consequences on me when I screw up may be tied to having too much freedom and suffering too few consequences early on.  I think it also may be why on the spectrum of being interested in spanking for its own sake versus seeing it as a tool to be used for larger disciplinary purposes, my inclinations are toward the latter.  But, of course, none of this explains why I had no interest at all in either spanking or DD unti well into my 30s, other than I had never really heard of DD until then.  And, my first glimmer of interest in this area involved a segment on a cable TV show about adult spanking, but not of the DD variety.  So, it is all very complicated.

So, tell us your thoughts on this.  I will ask of all of you, please self-censor where details are concerned.  There are undoubtedly people out there who get turned on by spankings of the non-adult variety, and I definitely do not want anything on here to faciliate that in any way.    

Dan


43 comments:

  1. I was very well-behaved. I witnessed my friends getting spanked and/or punished and disciplined, but I knew better. Good girls were praised, and I preferred the praise. I was never bratty or mean.

    As an adult, I learned that I enjoyed spankings. Both giving and receiving.There's something about it that has a "settling" effect. I'm still a bit under the weather, but I wanted to share.

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    1. Hi Merry, Thanks for sharing. Hope you feel better soon.

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  2. I wasn't spanked while growing up. As I look back, there were instances of things I did that certainly deserved a spanking and I have no idea why my parents did not. But I grew up fine and have been a responsible successful happily married man in his late 50s. The interest in spanking did start with me when I was 12 or so and I would self spank. My interest has continued and in the past 10 or so years, my wife finally agreed to spank me when I asked for one and she is getting proactive and ordering my pants down more and more. It is something I do think about a lot and I visit many spanking blogs and order spanking books from Amazon beamed to my kindle.
    Baxter

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    1. Interesting that in you it was so innate. Thanks for sharing.

      Dan

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  3. Despite my usual inclination to long posts, this time I'm going to say that I have "studied" this kink for a long time and came to a simple conclusion: everyone is simply born with their thermostat set at a different temperature.

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    1. KD, I don't disagree for the majority of people, but it does make those like me who felt no interest in DD early only to see it suddenly explode in middleage, an anomoly. I guess my thermostat got stuck on "cool" for 30+ years. ;-)

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  4. There actually has been some academic work on the origin of fetishes including spanking. One interesting notion comes from physiological psychology. It is that some people ( quite a few in spanking since surveys show at least 25 % of men and women have some interest and /or experience with erotic spanking). may have have innate dispositions ( " are prepared" )perhaps by genetics to develop the spanking fetish. All it takes then is some developmental experience like being spanked, seeing someone else spanked or even threatened with a spanking. Some of these experiences might not be remembered and it is possible for some the predisposition is so strong the fetish just develops without any experience connection. Once it is "triggered" it becomes a lifelong part of someones personality and sexuality. This makes sense to me..Discussion on this forum and others seem to show the spanking interest doesn't always come out early but may be discovered well into adult life..

    Alan

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    1. Very interesting stuff, Alan. Though, while I agree our discussion show the interest doesn't "always" come out early, my late bloomer status does seem to the exception, not the rule.

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    2. Yes - that is definitely interesting, Alan. Thanks for sharing. --al.

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  5. I grew up with parents who were both " Love Children". Discipline was not a word in their vocabulary.
    I was a willful wild child. At 15 my folks went to India for 4 months and I went to live with my Dad's aunt and uncle. They lived on a farm in Iowa. It was there I was introduced to the idea of daily chores. When I neglected mine I was taken to the barn and felt Uncle Tim's belt on my bare bottom. It was my introduction to consequences for bad behavior. When I returned home I went back to my usual do whatever I want behavior. But deep down I longed for whatever that feeling I felt after a session in the barn. When I met my wife she had that same common sense attitude
    my aunt and uncle had. As Alan said it triggered something in me and at 24 I asked her to spank me but only for my bad behavior towards her. That was 13 years ago. We are married and ys
    I am spanked. Thank God for her!
    Sam

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    1. Sam, do you have any perspective on whether it was the spanking itself, or having to face some consequences for bad behavior, or something ese the made you long for it?

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    2. In the beginning with my wife I think it was a way to rid myself of the bad behavior that she found so out of bounds. I didnt want to lose her. In one way it was being retrained and learning what it meant to be a man not a boy. I have learned to control my temper and when I dont I am spanked. Cause and effect. As time has passed there is more and more an erotic element to it .
      Sam

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    3. Sam, one thing I hadn't quite keyed in on before was that it was spanking from a male that triggered the response in you. It's why I think for some of us, it is the consequences that are really core to what we want, not really the erotic element. It's obviously not that way for everyone, but I tnink for some it is.

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    4. I agree it is being brought to face what I know is bad and dare i admit, childish behavior.
      I do know that after more than anything i crave the comfort of a hug to let me know I have been forgiven.
      Sam

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  6. I believe that my interest in DD definitely has to do with my upbringing in a household where a trip over my mother's knee was the norm for a serious offense. I don't recall it happening to myself very often, and never after the age of 7 or 8, but my siblings and I all knew that the paddle was in the drawer waiting for one of us to screw up. As an adult I asked my wife to consider DD and she has obliged, though it's far from the routine that others on here have experienced. Still, my wife knows that she is empowered to break out the paddle, which hangs on a hook in my closet, whenever she feels my behavior warrants a bare bottomed trip over her lap. It may not happen frequently, but I am grateful that she loves me enough to correct my behavior when she deems it necessary.
    Rob

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    1. Good to hear from you, Rob. Thanks for the contribution on this. If I may ask, how did your wife react when you first broached the subject with her?

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    2. Dan, when I first brought this up several years ago, my wife balked at the idea and could not get her head around the fact that I was asking her to do something that would cause me pain. She also looked at this as something I wanted sexually, therefore, how could it be considered "punishment" or "discipline". After many long discussions with her over an extended period of time, she came to see that I was sincere in my request and she has obliged. Good communication was essential from both of us. We may not be where others are in their DD relationships, but it works for us.

      Rob

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    3. We had similar discussions about this not being sexual or erotic. At that point in time, the last thing she wanted to do was anything that basically rewarded bad behavior.

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  7. Even though I was from an age and demographic where spanking the kids was an absolutely everyday affair, I was spanked fairly infrequently - especially after school age. However - to the point about our interest in spanking sometimes being triggered by a specific memorable event, I can say that was certainly true in my case.

    At the age of ten, I spent a couple of weeks on summer break with my favorite aunt, who was younger than my Mom and quite attractive (or so it seemed to me anyway). Now, I still don't know why she was so clearly an avid spanker, and my Mom (her sister) was not, but on the second day of that visit, when I threw a bit of a temper tantrum over a direction she had given me, she promptly put me over her lap, pulled down my shorts (pulling my underwear up into my crack), and gave me a good 50 whacks or so with her hairbrush. I was bawling and pleading before she got to 20, but she just kept on spanking. (Mom didn't use a hairbrush on my bare behind, but when she did spank me, she would give in to my cries and promises after only a few whacks). At the time, I only knew that I did NOT want another dose of that hairbrush, so I was very careful to behave for the rest of my trip. But when I hit puberty a couple of years later, my reflections of that event began to markedly change. I almost got up the courage to ask her to spank me again in my later teens, but never could quite do it. I have no doubt that this single event sparked my inclination to F/M spanking in my life - although if that had not happened, perhaps something else later on may have sparked it, but probably not as dramatically. --al

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    1. Thanks, Al. So even at that early age, the common tension in DD was there -- not wanting it at the time, but still needing it.

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    2. It is probably not possible, but I would really like to know what your aunt thinks about spanking now.

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  8. Being brought up in the 1960s meant corporal punishment was part and parcel of life. It was talked about openly by kids and parents… so much so that we all knew who got spanked at home (and the methods used) and who got caned at school – and event which teachers deserved reputations as hard caners or not.
    I escaped the cane at school and the only time I can recall being smacked was once across the legs at primary school for talking in a line-up at the end of playtime, and just once by my father who hit me half a dozen times across the bottom with a garden cane. I recall one stroke taking my breath away when it caught the very top of my thighs. I recall sobbing more through the shock of the spanking than the pain – and worrying if the kids in the estate could hear what was going on.
    I’m not sure exactly what age I was then but it must have been at least 11 because we moved to the house when I was still ten.
    If I’m honest, I lived in fear of being caned throughout my school years but at the same time had a deep morbid fascination with it and spent hours from the age of nine or ten, wondering what it would be like if I got pulled out to visit the headmaster – or if my father suddenly decided to use the cane on a regular basis. I would say my interest in CP has always been in me – but to say what the trigger was is impossible to pinpoint.
    Overall I was a well-behaved child and I think part of that was down to the threat of corporal punishment, even if I didn’t experience it.
    I suppose, from leaving school and then leaving home means leaving a certain associated discipline behind and, as we progress into adulthood, we should be exhibit a certain level of self-discipline.
    However, few, if any of us, are perfect and I certainly lacked a certain element of discipline in my life. What triggered a need for DD for me, was a realization of things that contributed to my marriage break-up and, not wanting to make the same mistakes in a new relationship. I think I wanted or even needed that feeling of being accountable for my actions, which is something you mentioned Dan. I wanted Mistress to have that authority to reign me in as soon as she spotted any of my failings beginning to emerge.
    Mistress had indulged me in spanking for spankings sake early in our relationship but we both recognized that it would be far more helpful to us if we implemented a DD regime to keep me on track.

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    1. "Morbid fascination" is how I would describe my first encounter with DD, though it came much later in life than the interest you felt.

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  9. I have no idea why spanking works for me, but I did have some childhood experiences that may have been a trigger. Specifically in the second grade a had a female teacher who was a 10 on a 10 scale. If you misbehaved you were called to the front of the class and spanked. Girls with the bare hand, boys with a ruler. I never misbehaved and in fact was kind of her pet student, but I often thought I'd have liked her to spank me, except the embarrassment of getting spanked in front of the class was my behavioral deterrent. From about the 5th grade on both my parents worked. I was a pretty responsible kid and spent most of my free time on sports. I never got into any behavior that would have necessitated a spanking. I stayed that way until I got married in my fourth year of college at age 21. My wife was 20. We were both only children. I was an athletic star and she was a 10 on a 10 scale and it was like a marriage made in heaven we both thought. However we both had minds of our own and were both independent and that led to fights with silent treatments and the like. We always loved each other, and I worked very hard and was rarely home due to travelling. She raised three kids. Being apart was a plus in some ways because on weekends we both really wanted to be together intimately and otherwise. My business was going well and I could early retire. That's when the sparks flew. To solve the problems I agreed to DD for a list of items we both agreed needed to be fixed to make the marriage work. Spanking was the only remedy and my wife was given total control on how severe or routine it needed to be. We agreed violations had to be consistently enforced and painful or correcting misbehavior wouldn't happen. She did, and we even had some fun with it for minor violations. But if I did something that really angered her, there would be holy hell to pay. I learned fast and now spankings are infrequent. I like the idea that my wife can keep me within boundaries when ever I stray, and I tend to think about that often. If I'm misbehaving and am advised I will be spanked, my behavior immediately improves drastically. For me it works.
    Fred

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    1. I sometimes forget that aspect of school disciplined in "the old days." It wasn't just the prospect of a the spanking that served as the deterrent, it was the semi-public or, in your case, fully public nature of it.

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  10. One of my first jobs as a teen was working for my uncle in his out of town newspaper / magazine
    shop. On friday nites I was often working there with just my older cousin Josh. It was there I discovered porn magazines. Josh an I used to take turns slipping into the bathroom with a hot magazine. It was there I discovered a magazine with photos called " NAUGHTY BOYS". The pictures of women spanking men aroused me from the start. Not sure why but was aroused by it.
    I often masturbated thinking of those images.
    In college I discovered the internet and one summer while in NYC I went to see a dominatirx. She punished me and while there was no sexual interaction I used images of the sights and sounds of that session. Even after I married I would keep a monthly session with her. I justified this since I was being punished always by Mistress Celeste for bad behavior in my day to day life. There was never sex but I confess I still would masturbate after reliving the session.
    Meanwhile my marriage was in trouble. We had two sons and I did as well as I pleased. Finally
    my wife said either divorce or marriage counseling. It was there the truth about my spanking came out. With work and embarrassment and a great wife we found a way. Domestic Discipline became a part of our lives. We still struggle but I am learning.

    Anna's Peter

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    1. Hi Peter. That seems to be be in line with Alan's research showing that many have some kind of pre-disposition, and then something comes along to trigger it. Perhaps it would have been the same for me, had I been exposed to F/m spanking porn at an early stage. My own teenage porn exposure was more of the tame Playboy and Penthouse variety.

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  11. Always interested in being spanked, little if any growing up. The 50's Moms on TV I would dream of being spanked by one of them. I wish I could pin point it, explain it, but just something for lack of better understanding "born with". When I started dating, I looked for older women, finally met such a woman, amazing what one reveals, naked and just talking after a sexual evening. It was a month or more later, she fulfilled my desire, to be short, she meant business, it was not a sexual game, she was very much serious. I layed across her lap pants and underpants down and during the spanking kicked off. I stood facing the wall, crying, wanting to rub. When told to come to her I sat on her lap still crying, she held me tight and I thanked her, she kissed me and said she understood and more would come.

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    1. Ah, those 50's Moms. Easy to picture yourself over some of those laps.

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  12. Interesting thread and good blog!

    I had the strap frequently, sometimes daily, at school from 7 to about 15. Corporal punishment was always 'in the air' at home (lots of threats although very rarely applied), at friends and family houses. It was scary, fascinating and once I reached puberty became erotic. The overlap of when I was getting the strap at school (mostly on the hand and let me tell you that really hurts!) and my awakening to the erotic side was confusing in that the reality at school was still painful, unpleasant and completely un-erotic. This led me to contain the interest to fantasy until my wife finally cracked the code - it is still painful but has a marvellous pre and post effect which somehow makes the painful bit more than worthwhile - except when it is happening!.

    Is my interest linked to early school and home experiences? Who knows (although I do know that the mere sight of our black, leather strap sends nervous quivers through me, fear, anticipation and yes excitement as I return in my mind to the naughty boy state.

    We are complex :)

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  13. Just read this entry and something there hit me. The image of a black leather strap or belt hanging on a hook makes me react the same way.

    Anna's Peter

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  14. I got quite a few spankings from my mom (and more rately my grandmother) when I was a child. It was not a frequent occurrence, but certain ways of acting up got us smacked on the spot or, if mommy had to delay the spanking or thought the action deserved some stronger reaction, we were taken to my parents' bedroom, had to pull down the pants and briefs and go over her knee, and mom smacked. It was more humiliating than really painful, which was the goal.

    So at the time I did not like spankings. Much later, I must have been 17, and had my first girlfriends, I started to fantasize about being taken over the knee of an older, no-nonsense woman. I tried some subtle allusions to that with a couple of girlfriends over the year, to no avail.

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    1. I'm sorry to hear your allusions were not picked up on. Hang in there.

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  15. As a child, I was never spanked at home, but I remember fantasizing about spanking a saucy girl next door when I was 10 or 11 years old. Over the next 5 or 6 years, I found a way to spank three or four girls my age - one of whom truly enjoyed it, but suggested switching places, which I gladly agreed to. This was also the case when I later met the girl who would become my wife - but, in due time, she took up the "whip hand" and has been spankig and flogging me ever since!

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    1. Interesting beginning. I think you are the first converted "switch" we've heard from so far. Thanks for sharing.

      Dan

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    2. Hi Dan
      There may be more than one kind of switch. One type is comfortable on both sides of the paddle maybe preferring one or the other but OK with either. The other type like Anom above may be more common than thought. I was one, exclusively spanking willing women until I met a woman who wanted no part of being spanked but was very interested in spanking me. I received my first serious spanking in my late twenties and have never spanked a women since. I don't think I was converted as much as the experience of a woman taking charge brought out the need in me for discipline that was repressed early on by the culture that taught alpha males do the spanking. I will bet my experience has been repeated in some form by many other males now under the control of their wives or girlfriends. We suppress it for a long time and reading blogs has made me think that mine came out relatively early compared to men who find it in the 40's or later
      Alan

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  16. Being spanked by my mother was carried on into puberty but was not experienced as pleasurable or sexy but punishment to be avoided.My real adult interest in spanking started with a girlfriend who teasingly smacked my bare bottom with a wooden ruler one day. I got an instant erection which she saw and appreciated. This led to some long talks in which I admitted I felt some guilt over some things and thought I needed spanked sometimes. My girlfriend had some experience with spanking and soon a previously completely vanilla relationship became disciplinary. I was young and the relationship was short but ever since I have looked for women who exude that quite confidence of a disciplinarian . All my serious relationship have included spanking since then but I have wondered if she hadn't flicked that ruler one day if I would today be a spanko

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    1. If I may ask, how easy has it been to get the women in those relationships to spank you? I'm always curious about how interested women are in exploring this, since not many of them seem to be active in the DD blogging community.

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    2. Honestly not hard at all but they were all within the bounds of an established relationship. I think many, maybe even most women, are open to spanking if it is relationship centered and not obviously just a sexual kink that gratify one partner.. Having said that there are also women who want nothing to do with spanking and I have met them but the relationships without spanking do not last. I don't take a relative lack of female participation in the f/ m blogging community to mean they are not out there. My wife and others I have known take a John Wayne " approach to it preferring to do it rather than takl about it.

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  17. Although I was spanked as a child it was usually by my father and happened very infrequently and only when I was young. My Mother and Father divorced when I was about in second grade and he pretty much left the picture so parental spankings did not occur after that. I do not believe that those few incidents had any effect on my enjoyment of spanking as an adult.

    I think my interest in spanking has always been there, but I do not really enjoy, need it or want it for disciplinary reasons, and do not really think a disciplinary spanking has any effect on or for me. And do not like to give it for disciplinary reasons. I raised two children without using corporal punishment. I didn't need it and would not use it.

    I remember getting a spanking from a first grade teacher who only spanked the boys, with a thik wooden yard stick and always in front of the class. The spanking stung but the humiliation of getting spanked in front of the class was mortifying. Later, when I got older, that may have been one of the things that turned me on about spanking – remembering the humiliation of several public spankings I got from that teacher.

    I remember reading Penthouse Variations when I was a teenager and always found the spanking stories the most arousing. Later as a young adult I sought out the magazine for those stories. So for me, the desire as probably always been there.

    I like both getting and receiving a spanking and find it arousing. Some of the women that I have been with – when I was younger - also enjoyed spanking (getting and giving), and I believe that is the main reason that I find it arousing now. I think the enjoyment and mutual satisfaction of a loving and sexual experience – whether vanilla or more exotic - has a lasting effect for me. I do not remember every aspect of each experience – just the overall enjoyment. For me, a spanking improves emotional connection with my lover, and the overall experience. I think that is the main reason I still enjoy – and seek it now.

    Thanks for the blog, I really enjoy reading it and getting your opinion on spanking.

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    1. Thanks for the compliment and the contribution to the discussion!

      Dan

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  18. Hi Dan, My parents did not start to spank or cane me until I was 18 and an adult ! This co- incided with going to University! Prior to this it was grounding -2 to 5 days or deductions from my allowance ! It was a shock when they sat me down one evening and announced they were addding these knew punishments! to my Rules. It was not long before I was caned for smoking ! Mum ordered me to their study one afternoon and I recieved a long lecture on the dangers of smoking ! I was in my pyjamas and she told me to bend over despite my objections and pleas and touch my toes ! From the first cut it really hurt and I was crying out loudly from the pain! That did not deter her from continuing until I had 12 strokes from her ! Then with my eyes watering I had to stand in the corner for 15 minutes! ,Then before I was allowed to go to my room she eased my trousers down enough to see the effects on my buttocks and tops of thighs . The were covered in bright red stripes and my whole bottom was suffused in red and pink! That was the first of many canings, strappings and spankings I got until I got my Degree three years later ! However the canings continued for another year until I left home and rented an apartment! Soon after the first caning ,my canings etc were given on my bare bottom , sometimes in front of an Aunt as well as my Dad ! He worked mainly in Europe so the punishments fell to Mum to give me and she really made sure they hurt! John

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