Saturday, October 25, 2014

The Forum - Weekly Topic #62

Hi all.  I hope you had a great week and are out enjoying the October weather.  I am getting off to a bit of a slow start today, so let's get to it. 

This week's topic is about sex. Got your attention, didn't I? 

But, I'm about to spoil it.  Instead of talking about sex and DD, let's talk about efforts to remove the sexual component from discipline?  Is sex inextricably bound up in your disciplinary efforts or, on the other hand, have you tried to remove it in order to make the discipline just that -- discipline.  For example, do you ban sex after a spanking?  Some people also advocate "milking", i.e. requiring masturbation before the spanking in order to remove the sexual component from the spanking itself and to remove the sex as an offset to the pain of a real disciplinary spanking.

So, let us know what efforts, if any, you make to segregate spanking and sex.

Have a great week.

Dan

45 comments:

  1. My wife makes me masturbate in front of her before my spanking.It always makes it worse.

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    1. I have no doubt it transforms the experience. Thanks for sharing.

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  2. Sex and spanking, my two favorite subjects! As a Dominant female, my experience is that there are 4 types of males:

    The ones who get turned on before a spanking, full erection as soon as they see the implements.

    The ones who get turned on immediately after a spanking.

    The ones who want sex about an hour after the spanking, after the endorphins have worn off.

    Finally, the ones who feel nothing at all.

    For me, a spanking is a spanking. Whether disciplinary or just for fun, I get my implements and start.The man is merely an object to make slapping sounds on. I don't feel or act sexual at all. When I'm finished, I hold him and talk to him in gentle tones and then send him on his way. (AKA:Aftercare)


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    GOTCHA!


    Honestly, giving a spanking, while I usually enjoy it, isn't sexual. Well, not in the traditional sense. I'll admit that my panties get wet,but the reason is because I'm a Sadist, and I enjoy giving discipline to people who deserve it, or want it. With Shilo, whether is disciplinary or just for maintenance, I have him take off all his clothes, get in position, and I spank him. After I'm finished, I hug him and tell him I Love him. Sometimes we go our separate ways, other times, we lay on the bed and talk, but since he's the third type, sex, if it happens at all is well after the spanking is over, and, as such, isn't a part of it at all.

    I'm really interested in the answers and feedback.

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    1. Hi Merry. Thanks for the comment. See my response to Baxter below.

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    2. I don't see a comment to Baxter.

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    3. I hate Blogger's comment functionality or lack thereof. What it basically said was that your comment and his suggest a future topic on to what extent DD has a sexual motivation for women who being disciplinary wives and whether it is innate or grows over time. But, we can save that for a future topic.

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    4. Ah! Gotcha! I also responded to your response to archedone.

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  3. If my wife and I want to have sex, she give me a short spanking 10-15 spanks, not too much to preserve my pre-spanking erection. If she really gets into the spanking, well, the erection goes away as all my attention is on the growing pain on my bottom. but with a short spanking, my erection is at full attention and my wife is a bit wet - yes she gets some thrill from applying a spanking - and we have great sex.
    Baxter

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  4. Spanking and sex always go together - whether before or after J. has administered one of those spankings (or whippings) that she likes to deliver at the slightest occasion...

    L.

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  5. We have plenty of spanking that is sexual and it's wonderful. But when I've really messed up it's punishment time and it is just that punishment. First I must lay ALL the implements out on the dresser. Then I must shower. I go to her nude and tell her I'm ready for punishment. Sounds like sex play doesn't it. But it's not I know what is about to happen and I don't feel sexual at all. This part of my punishment is all about my submitting to her. Next I'm told to go to the bedroom and wait by the bed for her. I go and stand by the foot of the bed all the implements in clear view. When she enters she tells me to bend over the bed. There are no love taps prior to spanking. She picks an implement and starts out hard and believe me I holler with the first spank. She will use that implement until I've taken 25-30 spanks. Then on to the next one, until she has used all the implements. By this time I'm not kicking or hollering, just sobbing laying limp accepting my punishment. I'm then told to get up and go into the family room and assume the display position while she watches TV. Then it's hugging time and all is forgiven and I'm told to dress. I might add that through out the spanking she is scolding and keeping me aware of why she is giving me punishment.
    archedone

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    1. Do you find it hard to separate the erotic and disciplinary aspects of the spanking? I guess what I am getting at is, if you are using spanking for erotic purposes, does that detract from the disciplinary spankings and make them less effective as punishment. From your description of sobbing, it sounds like the answer is no.

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    2. Dan said “Do you find it hard to separate the erotic and disciplinary aspects of the spanking? I guess what I am getting at is, if you are using spanking for erotic purposes, does that detract from the disciplinary spankings and make them less effective as punishment.

      Yes, I'm a Sadist, and yes, all spankings I give Shilo affect me the same way AKA: wet pussy and a tingle between the legs, but I never act on it. My BDSM relationship with him was completely nonsexual at first, but it didn't prevent the biological/sexual reaction on my part.

      Think of it like a business trip on a tropical island. Yes, you're on a lovely tropical island, you're surrounded by ocean and sand, but you're inside an office, wearing a suit, and discussing how your product will make people want to spend money on parkas. If you're lucky, you'll get some play time, but it's not guaranteed.

      Or...

      You're on vacation on a tropical island. You're surrounded by ocean and sand, the weather is warm, and you shouldn't have a care in the world, but, in your mind, you're at the office, and thinking about how to sell your new product.

      Either scenario isn't pleasant, but that is where I am on most occasions. Whatever my spanking Shilo is about, I have the same biological reaction, but any gratification I get will be/is delayed.

      In a pleasure (for him) spanking, I check on him, kiss him and occasionally whisper things in his ear. In a disciplinary spanking, I don't. Disciplinary spankings are often preceded by corner time, and I keep him in an aware state by having him talk or (even worse for him) sing to me. It prevents him from going into a meditative state. When I speak to him in a disciplinary spanking, I'm not speaking softly, my tomes are sharper, and I'm 'mean'.

      I'm not sure if it makes them less effective for Shilo or not, so I guess we'll have to wait until he weighs in.

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  6. Dan
    As I stated in my essay which is posted in your User Stories spanking is only used for discipline.
    After a session as I stated Peter is then sent to corner to think about the reason he was punished and what behavior has to change. This corner time is an hour. After that we resume life. Never is there sex after a session. Often when we do go to bed, he will lay in my arms and
    I comfort him, but never with sex.
    Anna

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    1. Hi Anna. Your relationship seems perhaps the closes to "true" DD among the frequent contributors, myself included. No mixing of sex and discipline -- just pure punishment for bad behavior.

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    2. Dan
      Just to be clear. There is plenty of sex, but I feel so strongly that I want the discipline to be punishment in hopes that it leads to a better behavior that in the long run makes Peter a happier and calmer person.
      anna

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    3. Dan! You used "true"!!! That's not a good word to ever use! We're all true and real to whatever we believe.

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    4. Sorry, that one I don't agree with. While spanking may be a common element in various kinds of relationships or activities, people's motivations for using it vary tremendously from purely erotic, to "funishment," to S/m to disciplinary with lots of variations in between and I don't think that the fact that choose to call what they are doing "disciplinary" necessarily makes it so.. For both the user and the receiver, the motivation and what they are using spanking to get out of the experience can be very different. The heart of DD is using spanking as a punishment for past bad behavior and/or a deterrent to future bad behavior. To the extent there are other motivations at play, such as erotic thrill, it is not something core to DD and, as this Forum topic was trying to get at, might even detract from the effectiveness of the punishment. If the sex is an overlay that prevents the spanking from serving as an actual punishment, then to that extent it may not actually be a disciplinary spanking.

      In my case, we almost always have sex after a spanking. And, I'm not sure I would want it any other way, because it almost always involve an intimate discuss about how the DD aspect is going, what we need, want, etc. Now, Anna has figured out a way to do that without the sex, because she wants to make sure the spanking functions as actual punishment. I'm not sure we could ever get there, not so much because of me but because for my wife intimacy almost always leads to sex. She literally can't do a romantic kiss without needing to go all the way. And, I think there is enough separation between the discipline and the sex that neither of us using discipline because it leads to sex, but I do think that as she has come to enjoy the exercise of power involved in a spanking, that is not really DD at least in a "pure" form. Doesn't mean it's wrong or less, it's just something else.

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    5. My response was tongue in cheek. Darn it! I always forget emoticons!

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  7. My spankings are always punishment spankings. While I await my spanking (naked) I usually get an erection. The erection soon disappears once the spanking is underway. Sometimes after the spanking and corner time there is the consolation period, if time permits. During that special time it can sometimes lead to sex. Most often though sex is more likely to occur if I haven’t received a spanking in a while – perhaps because I’ve been on good behavior. Another factor is the time that has elapsed since my last permitted orgasm. I am usually allowed release every three weeks or so but I have to be careful to not appear needy or I know I’ll be waiting a bit longer.

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    1. That's the key. Never appear eager. Always play hard to get!

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  8. There was a time when we both used to dress up in pvc and rubber gear for an evening of CP play and there would sex - sometimes mid evening, but always once we'd finished CP. But then we adopted our DD regime and separated sex from CP completely because we wanted to use the cane as a means of punishment for my real faults. Now, punishment consists of a short lecture before I'm bent over the bench, the punishment, presenting my bottom for Mistress to examine the stripes, another brief lecture and then the cane is put away and normal life returns, usually with Mistress being extra strict for the remainder of the day or evening.

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    1. Has that worked well? Is it better for both of you to treat DD as a non-sexual event?

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  9. I know that post orgasms spankings hurt a lot more, for males anyhow. So why do i crave this type of spanking? i guess I crave total loss of control at the hands of a dominant female who can stay in charge until the punishment is over, and who will have sole descretion over the severity and duration. Is this also true for females, that post orgasm spankings are way more painful ?
    You are lucky men who have this in your life. Some, I dare say many of us crave this but will never find it.
    John

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    1. John, if you asked most of the men involved in DD what they REALLY want from the experience, I am guessing it is that total loss of control.

      Welcome!

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  10. With us it's a mix. Unless it is a very serious offence with a lot of emotion tangled up in it, Rosa will view even a disciplinary spanking sexually for herself. She will even rub herself against me while I'm over her lap until she achieves orgasm. She is also sadistic, so my surrender and the spanking itself turns her on for whatever reason it is being given. But for me.....if it's a punishment spanking I never feel sexual about it except in retrospect as I recall Rosa's loving control over me.

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  11. Except for love pats Lady Mary only spanks me as an actual punishment, therefore there is never sex immediately following a spanking. I'm not sure I would even be physically able, as she is a very aggressive & forceful spanker. I am generally not in the mood and my post spanking "little guy" is really limp & shrunken. However, on at least a couple of occasions, she has spanked me after sex and I can testify that a post sex spanking is waaaay more painful than a spanking that did not follow my orgasm. Therefore there must be a sexual element to my punishment spankings, possibly emotionally & psychologically if not physically. In that same regard, I am very emotionally attracted to Lady Mary when she aggressively takes control and commands me to undress, stand in the corner, explain to her what I did wrong, and assume the position. We often review & discuss the reason for the punishment and the actual spanking on the following day. I find that next day recap extremely erotic and it usually leads to outstanding sex for both of us.

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    1. Thanks Rocky Bottom. I find that the erotic element of the spanking somehow helps me take the discipline. Contrary to the views of the jackasses who keep sending me emails suggesting that DD is just a craving for an erotic spanking, I really do believe the two are different, though intertwined, I totally believe that an orgasm before a spanking would result in a much more painful spanking, because something about the erotic element make the spanking bearable. That is a very different thing than saying we WANT the spanking.

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    2. Thank you Dan for your reply and for hosting this blog. I have recently retired from mfg. mgt. (currently trying to start a law practice but that's a story for a different day) and I now feel free to participate in your blog as it is not likely to affect us financially.
      Another way to describe how I see the distinction is the difference between physical sex (lust & infatuation) and emotional love (intimacy, vulnerability, & trust) Immediately after a spanking I feel a strong surge of emotional love for Lady Mary but no lust. After a day has passed, the emotional love remains and is then coupled with emerging lust which leads to physical sex.

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  12. Dan
    I wrote back in September about being punished at a wedding. My wife suggested I write and reveal how I am treated when I am spanked for the same reason one too many times. Instead of just a spanking I have to strip naked and wait for my wife to come upstairs. Often this can be as long as an hour. When she comes into bedroom she hands me a towel and orders me to masturbate quickly.
    After I cum get on all fours and take a belting. Never less that 100 swats. After a cum it seems
    harder to take. Once spanking is done i clean up the room, and sleep that nite on the floor next to my wife's side of the bed. There is never sex. I hate this so much it does help me to toe the line.
    scott

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    1. Hi Scott. Good to hear from you. See my comment above to KD Pierre. I have no doubt at all that an orgasm before a spanking makes it a lot harder to take. I wish I had a better understanding of why. But, something we wrestle with a lot on this blog is why men are turned on by something they really don't want. And, the corollary is probably why relieving that sexual urge makes a spanking truly disciplinary. Both point to the fact that eros is tied up in the discipline somehow, but I have no idea why

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  13. I probably shouldn’t say this because it might get some guys an experience they don’t expect. But I really believe the only way to administer a punishment spanking that completely takes sex out of the equation is to do it immediately after orgasm. When those sexual endorphins are gone there is just pain and punishment. But it’s even worse psychologically because the last thing I want is a spanking after I climax. It is a total act of will power and obedience to present my bum to my wife after I have come and the only pleasure out of it if you can call it pleasure is to know I have submitted to her and gotten through it. I am not saying you can’t get soundly spanked pre orgasm. I have been probably hundreds of times and most of those spanking were effective. But getting spanked after orgasm is in another universe all together. I doubt that most wives spank that way very often. My wife uses it very infrequently but if you want to make a point that isn’t getting through any other way, spanking after orgasm or even the treat of it is the way to make that point.

    Alan

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    1. Alan, You are quite right. And while it hasn't been required of me with Rosa (yet), I did experience a couple of times in my former relationship........and it is truly horrible. If anyone wants to feel like a kid about to get spanked by a parent, and relive those feelings of "I don't want this at all!" just do as Alan suggests.

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    2. Hi Alan and KD. Thanks for sharing, and I really hope I never experience what Alan is describing! Though, if it made the discipline more effective . . .

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  14. Guess we are different from all other comments--Good marriage--good sex----but in the rare event I get a bare butt paddleing from my wife (once or twice in a year) I have always managed to make her so annoyed and frustrated that having sex is the last thing----I got it coming and never try to get out of it----She has good reason to paddle me and it hurts like hell on my butt qwhen I am getting it-----Enev though its always the same---I still am nervous just before i get it so its not sexual---so I am apprehensive---while in agreement with the need to make things right on my part-Appart from a paddling sex is great-----but sure not then!

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  15. While my desire for spankings started as a sexual thing and our first spankings were roleplay types, my spankings now are just for punishment. There is no sex involved. I don't have an erection before, and certainly not after.

    Now my spankings are purely for punishment and to help me become the sort of husband that my wife deserves. In about two hours I have one coming.

    We'll take our child to stay with a friend while we go out of town. THen we'll come back home. I'll have to ask her what implement or implements she wants to use. When I have gotten them out we'll go into our bedroom and she'll tell me why I'm being spanked and tell me to pull down my pants.

    Pulling down my pants and underwear has two effects: it makes the spanking hurt a lot more, and it makes me feel as powerless as a 10 year old when I did the same thing for my parents to spank me. I'll bend over and then it starts.

    Today's will be for a repeat of the same offense: leaving dirty clothes in inappropriate places. That means it will be a long, hard spanking. It will likely be well over 100 spanks. Without doubt I will be crying and black and blue when finished.

    Before I dry my eyes we'll hug and while we do, while I'm thanking her and apologizing I will feel closer and more intimate with her than any other time. It is because I have risked telling her my need. She accepted it. I humbled myself by complying like a child and submitting to a painful spanking that reduced me to a sobbing child. She was willing to move out of her comfort zone and give it to me. I love her so much for it. That pretty well sums it up.

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    1. Totally agree with the other reply! Great comment! Thanks for sharing.

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  16. Bravo !

    This speaks so much to me and I am sure to many others. The after spanking intimacy is
    something so hard to express.The way you said " I humbled myself by complying like a child...
    So well said.

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  17. In our relationship all spankings are punishment, never any sex until a day or two later and in that case she dictates the sexual scenario. Today I got a very severe paddling for driving while on the phone. I was ticketed and she told the officer she was going to teach me a lesson when she got me home. I was humiliated but the humiliation was nothing compared to the pain of the paddling. After such a hiding the absence of sex is always on my mind as my rear end is a constant reminder

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  18. A though for another topic, does your wife make mention in a direct or off handed way that she spanks you? Does the idea of having others know affect you? My wife has made comments in front of her mother and sisters and several strangers. It's a bit unnerving

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    1. Hi Anonymous. We've done a somewhat similar topic fairly recently, but I'll put this one into the rotation, or perhaps try to put a new spin on it.

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