Saturday, September 6, 2014

The Forum - Question of the Week #56

Hi All.  I hope you had a great week.  Mine was, in a word, exhausting.  Business travel.  Not enough sleep.  Locked in business meetings with some fairly dysfunctional people, many of whom could clearly use a very hard spanking.   Oh well, that happens, doesn't it?   But, it really does make me wonder sometimes whether the millions of dollars businesses spend every year on performance consultants  and executive coaches of various sorts might be better spent on a few hardwood paddles and canes. 

As you will note, I just posted a submission from Anna, one of our regular commenters.  Anna, thanks very much for sharing how you got into DD and a summary of the program you implemented with Peter.

Anna's submission, and some of the comments from last week, lead to this week's topic: communicating with your significant other about DD.  For the last couple of weeks, we have all talked a bit about how we got into DD, what it does for us, what we hope to get out of it.  How much of that is something you share with your partner?  And, how much do they share with you about what they want?  Clearly, some of you communicate on a regular basis about what you want and need out of DD.  How about all the rest of you.  Do you talk about what is working and, just as importantly, what is not?  And, are some of you in a situation where you want to talk to your spouse about exploring a domestic discipline relationship, but you don't feel you can?

Finally, I will end this week's topic with an offer and a challenge, before letting you get onto what I hope will be a fun and relaxing weekend.  First, Anna took me up on my offer to share her story and thoughts, and I hope more of the disciplinary wives will do the same.  I'm still not sure we have many of them as readers, unfortunately, but for those who do stop by our little corner of the internet, the microphone is always open and available.  As for the challenge, this blog is now getting around 1,000 unique visitors on a good day.  Yet, we only have about 10 regular commenters.  Let's see if we can expand that a bit.  Will one or two of you lurkers drop us a line or two if you haven't in the past?  By all means, use a fake name, but leave something that allows us to welcome you to our little group.  It only takes a minute, and we'd love to year what you have to say.

Also, if you haven't voted in the poll yet to identify your age group, please do so.  There is a pretty overwhelming pattern emerging from the response we have so far, which I will make the subject of a future post.

Have a great weekend.

Dan

25 comments:

  1. I believe I've commented here before. I am in a DD relationship with my wife. She gives all the spanking and I receive the spanking. Many are erotic spanking. Some are maintenance to remind me of my place. Some are punishment. I asked my wife for spanking and after trying it for awhile she found she likes to spank. It is not out of the ordinary for us to be shopping in the sporting goods section or kitchen wares find an item that might be good for spanking and stand there looking at it and talking about it and how it might feel on my bottom. Some times we buy it some times we don't. We travel quite a bit and never travel without some spanking implements. We keep our spanking private but if I'm getting spanked in a hotel room and someone hears we don't care. We have butt plugs and dildos she uses quite often and she loves to having me wear silk panties for her viewing enjoyment. Some times I will ask her to spank me and sometimes she will tell me she just feels like spanking me and send me for the implement she desires. We enjoy our relationship and I love serving her.
    archedone

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    1. It sounds like you and your wife have a great relationship, with lots of communication about what you want and need.

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  2. Dan,
    On the subject of communication, like most things in a successful relationship, both sides need to be free to talk about what works for them (and doesn't) when it comes to DD. As we are still relatively new to all of this, my wife, to her credit has asked a ton of questons. It has led to some great discussions between us about what I get out of this, but also how she feels. After one early trip over her knee, we each sought feedback from the other. She worried about "doing it right" and was it too hard, not hard enough, pacing, etc. I am forever grateful to her for allowing me to open up and share my thoughts and desires. It's what makes our relationship special. I on the other hand was quick to ask how she felt, not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable with this aspect of our lives. It's been a great experience, but you have to be able to share feelings, and that's really tough for couples sometimes.
    Rob

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    1. HI Rob. How long have you and your wife been practicing DD? Welcome, and welcome to our forum. It's great that you've become a regular contributor.

      I think the concern about "doing it right" can be a huge impediment, particularly if anyone is trying to assess what is "right" not in terms of what works for them, but based on what others say is the "right" or "wrong" way to do it. I can't tell you how many good DD or spanking blogs I have seen wither and die over the years because of various contributors who insisted that there was some "right" way for these relationships to work.

      And, isn't this a lesson that applies way beyond DD? There are lots of areas of my life where my progress has been inhibited by feeling I needed to weigh what I was doing against some standard set by an "expert" or just someone more experienced than me. While we can sometimes learn from such authorities, they can also be one of the biggest obstacles to our success.

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    2. Dan,
      My wife and I are relatively new at this, though there have been half-hearted attempts at DD in the past. It may be too early to say if this will last, but I think we've reached a point where my spouse feels empowered to take charge when the situation calls for it. She also seems to realize that I need this and now feels comfortable doling out a spanking. I'm sure we will never take this to the point that others do, though I've told her I'm open to trying it. So for now, if I screw up (and that seems to be rare of late), she knows I will take punishment from her without question. I was close the other day, but she backed off. I lose my temper quickly when self-checkout registers don't work properly. She's warned me about this in the past and I know that's something that can result in a session with her new hairbrush paddle. For now we will just keep the communication open and see where this goes.
      I like the style of your blog. Keep up the good work.
      Rob

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    3. When we first began, we recognized that it was so different from where we had both been for most of our lives, that any attempt might prove half-hearted. One way we tried to address that was building in some structure at first. We came up with a list of offenses, and a minimum number of swats per each offense. We agreed to get together once a week and document the offenses and tally up the score. It was not a perfect system, but it kept us committed in the early stages until it became more of a habit. But, it has never become quite as regular and consistent as we both would like. It's always a work in progress.

      Thanks for the compliment. Much appreciated!

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  3. I have commented here in the past. we don't have a DD relationship. rather I asked R sometime ago to spank me and over the years, she has gotten better at it. She agreed several years ago that if I wanted her to spank me, she would be happy to accommodate my desire. After all we have been happily married for nearly 31 years. We help each other in many ways and communicate well. So she may decide I need a spanking or I may just ask her to spank me. the result is typically a sore and red bottom for me and that is exactly what I want. It works for us.
    Baxter

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    1. As I said in response to Rob, I think we all need to take the attitude of "It works for us." That is really all that counts.

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  4. Hi Dan,

    Communication is so very important. In fact, I believe it is THE most important thing in ANY relationship, including one as intimate as a DD or D/s relationship.

    As my screen name suggests, I am a submissive husband in a very loving marriage. Mistress K. and I will routinely have "meetings", usually over dinner to discuss things in our marriage, and in particular in our Female Led Marriage. Recently we had such a meeting. At each one we bot agree that the advancements we are making in our respective roles is a beautiful and wonderful thing. In the last meeting for example, I explained to Mistress that the punishment spankings I had been receiving up that point I felt were too easy, too soft and weren't having the intended affect that Mistress was looking for. You know, to correct abhorrent behavior. As I was explaining this to her, I knew that it was going to hurt more. I knew that while I was being spanked that it would something (at that very moment) that I would regret telling her because of the significantly more harsh spanking. But I also knew that it was the truth and that if I was wasn't able to be truthful to Mistress about that, my whole existence as her loving submissive husband was bullshit.

    Love your blog and I am a big fan.

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    1. I've faced that same issue around things like buying a new instrument for her to use, knowing that it may be more severe than what she has used in the past, but also knowing that if what we are doing really is meant to be "punishment" as opposed to "funishment" then it HAS TO BE severe.

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  5. Dan,
    Have enjoyed finding and reading your posts during the past few months. Of course communication is probably one of the, if not the, most important element in any relationship and crosses all boundaries with respect to the topic area.

    I have two comments to share: one from last weeks post by Anna and the other from what Sub Hub in Ph. shared.
    First, I applaud Anna but it took a near disaster situation - the fear of divorce to bring her to the point of considering spanking her husband. Even then, she may not have ever considered spanking as an option had he not told her he was seeing another Domme and being spanked. What a shock that must have been to find that out - even if there was no sex involved. I'm sure the vast majority of woman do not want to physically hurt their spouse and so don't consider DD as a possibility - that it's meant for young children at the most. I wonder what the turning point is for those wives that do 'got there' and add DD to their relationship as a means of keeping their husbands in line and under control?

    Second, Sub Hub's comment when he noted that he often shares that 'his spankings are not hard enough' make me wonder if this DD has a major kink component - that men like he, and Anna's husband receive pleasure via the pain delivered. Why else would Anna's husband specifically pay to be spanked? Of course the other option is to beat a man so badly that he is physically abused - left black and blue and literally unable to sit for days on end - to be shown absolutely no compassion at all and be completely broken. There must be a fine line between feeling a sting, that might hurt and some redness and feeling absolute fear at the one who had just punished - long after begging to stop began.

    I wonder if one really brutal spanking might mitigate so many weekly spankings. Why would Anna need to spank explosive temper/drinking/respect issues every 14 days? To me it seems as if her husband isn't 'getting it'. Maybe quadrupling both the number and intensity of each blow might work..... or carrying a cinder block from the road to the back yard and back for 12 hours might do the same thing. I wonder what would work more - especially if the real issue is behavior modification and not just 'spanking'. Food for thought. I really don't know the answer but if this is a 'discipline' then that implies that it works. Otherwise it's not discipline but rather something else.

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    1. Hi I'm Hers. Good to hear from you again. A couple of thoughts. Regarding whether most women don't do DD because they don't want to hurt their man, I suspect the real issue is that most of them have never even thought about the possibility of spanking their man. Never entered their mind. I know that was certainly my wife's reaction when I first broached the subject. Now, when it comes to giving a real punishment spanking, that is another issue, and I suspect it very often does involve a process of the wife slowly overcoming her natural inclination not to hurt another person.

      Also, whether DD has a major kink component, I think it varies. I've always admitted, and we've discussed this in the Forum before, it does have a kink or sexual component for me. But, I can't explain why, given that I definitely do not feel any pleasure as it is being delivered. Quite the opposite. For me, the sexual vibe, whatever it is, is bound up in the act of making one self vulnerable in that way, yielding to someone else's control, being subjected to boundaries. So, is there a sexual component? Yes. But, it is for me bound up not in some pleasure during the spanking (which is pure masochism), but some need to be under someone's control in a very vulnerable situation.

      And, while I've never believed that humiliation plays a role in my desire to be punished, I have to admit that Anna's story of delivering a spanking at the office touched something deep down inside me similar to how I felt when we very first began experimenting with DD.

      I don't quite agree that if it is discipline that implies that it works. Discipline can be effective or ineffective. And, even when effective, it can be short or long lived. And, it also may be that as some behavior issues get better, others get worse, or with one problem out of the way the couple moves on to something else.

      Also, and I really have to emphasize this point, DD is not just about correcting the man's behavior. It also is about giving the woman a way to grow in her own sense of power and confidence. I am very sure that even if DD never resulted in a bit of change in my behavior, it would still be something valuable for my wife, because it makes her feel better to have a way to make me atone in some measure for any hurt or frustration or anger I cause her.

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  6. I'm Hers
    Perhaps the one thing that never came across is that before the outburst and confession my husband just behaved badly and never mentioned discipline as something he desired. As to how often or when or why it seems to me that is worked out between the couple. I have no desire to tell you or any other man how to handle your lives. I merely present another viewpoint. What we
    do is as valid as what you do. This forum can not possibly reveal all the details of anyone's situation.

    Be well

    anna

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  7. Hi Dan,

    Interesting thoughts on how DD allows a woman ‘to grow in her own sense of power and confidence.’
    When I first met Mistress, she had low esteem and lacked confidence after several years of a relationship where she was constantly under-mined.
    Since we got together I’ve seen her confidence gradually return and, while I’m not suggesting it’s down entirely to our DD, I’m sure it’s helps.
    I also tend to agree with you that even if I’m not ‘trained’ to become totally submissive to her every need and obey every rule, DD allows her to at least exploit her natural dominant side within our relationship and, like your relationship, allows her to vent any frustrations that my failings bring.
    Interesting also is the ‘kink’ element to DD. Again, just like yourself, I’ve never denied my lifelong fascination with corporal punishment and I’m sure the underlying sexual aspect to this driving the ‘need’ in me to experience the cane – however much I dread it. But I never get any kind of thrill from the actual punishment and it does have a very corrective effect on me – in as much as Mistress has noticed how much more attentive, and willing to please her I am for some time after discipline. It’s usually days more than weeks – but it is noticeable.
    Getting back to the original question of communication. I think any relationship, DD or otherwise, relies on communication and with the way our DD regime ebbs and flows it’s been important for us to regularly discuss any issues.

    Best wishes,

    gk

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    1. It does indeed Dan. Your revelation surprises me. My interest goes back to childhood like many I suspect, but hey, that may be just an assumption on my part. If this is not something that has not already been covered in a previous topic then it may be a topic for the future - what one earliest memories are of corporal punishment and when it was that it became someone thing that we chose for ourselves rather than avoided.

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    2. I think you are definitely in the majority. In fact, I'm not sure that I recall talking to or reading about any other husband who was the initiator of the DD or spanking relationship and who did not have a strong interest in it going back to childhood. Mine was a two-step process, and both happened in my late thirties. The first involved watching a segment on spanking on HBO's Real Sex series. Part of it involved a woman spanking her husband with a riding crop. It was a major and immediate turn-on for me, though the spanking was erotic, not DD. The second step was when I found the Disciplinary Wives Club website. The impact was, again, immediate, and much, much stronger. Part of the reaction was definitely sexual, but there also was something like a sense of dread, which I think was connected to the prospect of crying and the surrender involved in the whole thing. I often characterize my reaction as "fascination" but "disturbed" and "dreadful" are probably more appropriate.

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  8. For me I did not seek this DD relationship, I have since realized it has many benefits, especially our marriage is stronger. My wife mentioned many times I should stop acting so carefree, show some respect to her mother, but always said she would never leave me. It was a visit to her mother's home ( she a widow), I was being myself, she had enough. I was in the shower and my wife pulled the shower curtain back and told me I had gone too far and then left. It was not even a minute later the curtain pulled back again and this time to my shock it was my mother-in-law. Well this was the beginning of our DD relationship. Her mother pulled me from the shower, wet and dripping to her bedroom and being slightly bigger had me across her lap and at my age was getting a spanking. I held back as long as I could, but it hurt, and when she finally allowed me off her lap I was crying and rubbing like a little boy. She took hold of my ear and to the kitchen I went, rubbing my bottom. My wife smiled, told me to turn around and said nice job Mom. Her mother handed her the hairbrush and my wife looked at me, hands at side. I did as told and for the next several minutes I was informed of the new rules. I was then allowed to get dress and I was careful how I acted. That evening in the frontroom my wife told me to stand before her and with my mother-in-law watching my pants and underpants were lowered and the hairbrush was once again applied, my wife was mad. I danced around the room rubbing and promising to be good only to get another spanking from my mother-in-law. Today my wife does not think twice about spankings, and I accept this new relationship.

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    1. Hello Anonymous. Thanks for the contribution. Glad to hear your wife and mother are keeping you in-line.

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    2. My mother in law gave me my first ever spanking, it was a life changing experience and the beginning of our DD life

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  9. I have general question for anyone on the communication part concerning opting out. In a simple, straightforward DD relationship are you ever allowed to say "please not now, this is not a good time", or are you always fair game? JT

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    1. My experience is similar to GK on this. I must admit that frequently TRY to talk my way out of punishment. It doesn't succeed most of the time. But, unfortunately, in our case it does enough, and I kind of wish it didn't, because I think that inevitability is a big part of making DD effective. My wife tends to give in when she thinks I am too busy with work.

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  10. In reply to JT, I used to make plenty of excuses to get out of DD but we reached a point where I either accepted Mistress' direction or we ceased trying to live a DD lifestyle.

    Now the only get outs are illness or workload - but it has be genuine.

    Mistress is smart enough to know if I'm just trying to escape the inevitable anyway so the answer is that generally I'm fair game!


    Best wishes

    gk

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  11. Hi Dan! it's Susie, Because I've spent so many years in BDSM relationships. I use the contract approach. My husband knows the rules, and he knows which actions will warrant punishment spankings. I also give him daily maintenance spankings.

    We talk more about the needs and desires of my husband than we do mine. It makes me kind of sad, because sometimes I need reassurances that I'm doing well. I'm still very new to DD, and there's a very big difference between BDSM and FLDD. It would be helpful if my husband told me where I'm doing well and where I needed improvement.

    Other than that, I was wondering if any of the other people here use a contract to aid in their discipline?

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    1. Hey Susie. We never did a formal written contract. But, we did establish a list of rules, presumptive punishments, etc.

      I think your observations about needing reassurances as a disciplinary wife is worth exploring as a future Forum topic. It's also something that really gets my goat about the whole "topping from below" BS. So many people in Femdom actively discourage the male from voicing an opinion about anything related to the process, he won't talk about what he himself needs. So, how likely is it that he is going to think it is OK to comment on what his wife is doing or ask her whether she is OK with the dynamic?

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  12. I am relieved to know that I am not the only one to be spanked by their mother in law

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