Saturday, June 10, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 210 - DD and Stress

If you don't get enough time-outs as a child, you get them as a grownup. ~Andrew Bonifacio

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a good week.

Some of the exchanges on the blog got a little interesting last week.  I wonder sometimes why I let myself get drawn into exchanges with trolls.  Part of it is definitely my own combativeness, which gets me in trouble from time to time.  But, I also have become convinced that ignoring them often just doesn't work, as many of them are remarkably persistent.  I also just have a big problem with ignoring bullies.  I have never once met a bully who responds to being ignored by going away.  They go away when someone pops them in the nose.  And, while I have taken those comments down because they detract from the topic at hand, the conversation was, in fact, kind of fun.  I don't think I've ever been accused on the same day of being both a redneck sadist-lover and a liberal wuss!

It was kind of a stressful week, though not because of trolls.  We are going through a family transition.  One of those inevitable things that every family goes through and that is a good thing in the big picture scheme of things, but that doesn't make it less stressful while it is happening.  So, emotions are running high and everyone is more than little stressed out.  

My reaction to stress is mixed where DD is concerned.  If it's the kind of ordinary, low-level, daily grind kind of stress that leads to bad behavior, it helps for her to be firm and consistent.  However, if the stress involves feeling like I have too much to do and too little time, I do tend to want to put everything else on hold.  I also find that crises tend to make it even harder for me to submit to anyone.  My response to a crisis is generally to take command, and that can spill over into every aspect of my life.

How does stress impact your Domestic Discipline or FLR relationship?  When outside events are stressing you out or keeping you on edge, do you want your Disciplinary Wife to step up her firmness and control?  

Or, does the DD and FLR aspect of your relationship tend to fall by the wayside in times of crisis?  Do you want it to?  How about you Disciplinary Wives?  When you are stressed out, does it help to be more assertive, controlling and dominant, or do you go in the opposite direction? 

I hope you all have a great week.  If you are new to our Forum, please take a moment to visit the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about your DD or FLR relationship or aspirations.


  1. I just want to say up front: the effort you put into providing this forum is so appreciated and this post in particular is just a Godsend. I'm so, so grateful, so thank you.

    I am an incredibly Alpha personality at work and in the world who is in an evolving FLR with my wife of nearly five years. When it works and we each embrace the formal roles of our Arrangement, things are blissful. When there is any kind of crisis or challenge, however, that's when tension tends to arise. I tend to reflexively respond in those moments as I would at work--I have a strong impulse to address the issue head on and get to a resolution as quickly as possible. My wife, however, tends to do the opposite, which is ironically--or maybe not so ironically--her natural disposition in her professional environment.

    So the biggest challenge for us is the tension I feel between my sub persona trying to patiently wait for her guidance and direction while the Alpha impulses desperately want to take care of business. Or at least do something!

    The worst part is resisting the impulse to 'top from the bottom' when it comes to decisions. In our sex life there is zero topping from the bottom. That much we have figured out and she is firmly, 100% in control. And it is wonderful. Not a frustration to be found. But outside the bedroom we are still working things out and right now, as we go through a family transition of our own, our desire to follow what we both feel is the natural order of things with her being in charge is definitely being put to the test.

    Thank you again for creating this space and if welcome, I look forward to spending more time here.

    1. Hi Anonymous. Your dynamic is very, very familiar to me. We rise at work because of a certain decision making style. It gets reinforced over and over again because it tends to work. Except it also causes us problems. So, at home we try to go in the opposite direction, but we are fighting both our predominant style and the reward system that reinforces it. And, we genuinely believe that when the proverbial shit hits the fan, the solution is to act quickly and decisively. Not easy stuff.

  2. Hi Dan
    Our reactions to stress and its different levels is similar.For minor stress she will take over, maybe walk me to the corner or simply send me for the brush or strap. That usually breaks the stress and she might follow up with a brief spanking or just corner time and a talk. But major stress when I go into the alpha gotta get it done gotta take charge is a different animal.There is no magic formula for that. Partly to give her the tools needed over the years ( actually pretty early) I shared with her the "rituals" ( not sure what else to call them) that bring out my submissiveness. These include things as simple as her appearing suddenly with a brush or strap in hand to ear marching me to the spanking room ( we do have one) or aggressively taking down my pants, to slapping me sharply if I don't obey and other things that can literally get my legs shaking. We have found if she takes control quickly and purposefully using one or more of those techniques I often let go of the stress and surrender to her authority. Honestly whether that happens or I go on to make an ass of myself depend on how stressed out I am.More recently she has taken to asking me if she " needs to call ( her sister) which is a threat to spank me in front of my sister in law which I once fantasied about but now truly dread. That is kind of her nucleus option and the two or three times she made the threat it worked so we will see how long that lasts. Sorry I can't be more prescriptive but sometimes that " alpha stress" is stronger than all of us and we just need to work through it and accept the consequences.One important thing I didn't mention. If I accept her authority in these stress situations and obey her she doesn't spank hard and sometimes not at all. But if I defy her she will wait and there will be a reckoning and I will have plenty of time to regret disobeying her.

    1. Hi Alan. This is great stuff. It is very interesting that you once fantasized about being spanked in front of your sister-in-law but now truly dread it. I couldn't tell from your comment whether she actually has spanked you in front of the SIL, or whether it remains a (very effective, apparently) threat?

      I keep wondering if at some point my wife will develop a more nuanced approach to spankings, with some hard and some not. So far, she is totally binary -- all or nothing.

    2. Dan

      I have been spanked with my sister in law present now several times.It would be perfectly OK with me if it never happens again. The fantasy dissolved even before it started the first time as my wife made sure there would be no erection or suggestion of sex.Also after the first time she spanked much harder and longer with her sister there adding multiple trips to the corner, sharp scoldings and making me repeat over and over why it was happening. All better kept as a fantasy I think.BTW I do think "nuanced" spankings are good technique. It keeps you on edge not knowing what is coming and I think also gives her the flexibility to fit the punishment to the occasion. But it took her a while to develop all this. for a long time it was just hard and fast from start to finish.

    3. Thanks, Alan. That's a great lesson in being fantasies sometimes being better left unfulfilled.

    You said: “I have never once met a bully who responds to being ignored by going away. They go away when someone pops them in the nose.”

    I say you are absolutely correct. Bullies are looking for power and prestige. That is why the high school bullies pick on the math nerd or the clarinet player instead of the middle linebacker who is working on his black belt. Nothing diminishes the bully’s power and prestige like getting his ass kicked in front of the whole school.

    You asked “How does stress impact your Domestic Discipline or FLR relationship? When outside events are stressing you out or keeping you on edge, do you want your Disciplinary Wife to step up her firmness and control?”

    I think you are crossing from disciplinary spanking into therapeutic spanking. While there is some natural overlap, pure disciplinary spanking usually addresses the 4 D’s:


    These are specific punishments for specific actions (or inactions). Disciplinary spanking is also effective in curtailing male ego and stubborness (conditions that are a mixture of both behavior and attitude).

    However, when you start talking about spanking purely due to stress, I believe this is more therapeutic than disciplinary. It is not a matter of wanting to be spanked, it is a matter of needing to be, and having a wife with the authority and ability to administer this treatment - sort of like a nurse with a hypodermic needle. So in answer to your question, the Disciplinary Wife should definitely step up her firmness and take control when warranted. I look upon therapeutic spanking as a substitute for a psychiatric drug - and like any prescription, the entire dosage must be administered in order to thoroughly treat the condition. While therapeutic spanking has fewer long term side effects than psychiatric drugs, known short term side effects from effective use of the paddle can include a runny nose, red and/or watery eyes and temporary reddening of the application site, i.e, the bottom. Some recipients will experience begging, pleading and even crying. Effective treatment should result in reduced stress level, improved attitude and a general sense of inner peace.

    Carl H

    1. Hi Carl. Your comments on therapeutic spanking took the topic in a direction I originally thought about doing, and then decided to hold off on. But, might as well get into it now. The issue you raise is, basically, is spanking a stress reliever for the recipient? My topic was a little different, and was really focused more on the overall control and discipline in the relationship, not so much the temporary psychological impact of being spanked. What I was trying to get at was, when you are stressed out, does DD tend to fall away (or do you tend to push it away), or in those times is it even more important that your spouse stay consistent and resolute in discipline and also just exercising control.

      But, your topic of whether the recipients want a spanking specifically to relieve their stress if fine to get into, too. My wife and I do not use spanking in that way, and I can't say the idea of it does anything for me. In fact, if really stressed out, I think I would just resent it and see it as an intrusion I didn't need at that moment. I do think, however, that it is important that she stay firm and consistent during those periods, just to keep me from going way out of line.

    2. I guess I would classify all adult spanking as therapeutic at least to some degree. It may be therapy for the relationship, for the guilty party or for the disciplinarian.I am not saying therapy is the only reason for a spanking or the main reason. Obviously punishment and discipline are also goals.But I know however much I avoided or didn't want a spanking I almost always feel better when its over and my wife has told me often how warming my bottom reduces stress for her.

    3. I agree Alan. I can think of only a couple of times when I did not feel somewhat better after a spanking, and on those occasions I suspect she was feeling better enough that it balanced out.

  4. There's stress and then there's stress. This topic hit VERY close to home for us because we are still 'recovering' from a prolonged period of stress that has left 'scars'. We are doing better with a good chance to come out of this in decent shape but it definitely affected our DD. (We even discussed this just last night.) Rosa told me that she is still struggling to get back to where she was as far as confidence in being 'the boss'. I told her that all the crap is now behind us and just 'go for it' and take charge again. So we will see. We have been doing stuff but it's not the same as it was before the period of stress. Even Ana wrote extensively on how bad things were without going into the causal details.

    So yes things get put on hold. They even get weakened. But hopefully it is all temporary.

    Now, as for the mild stress of encountering something upsetting? THAT can be relieved with a dose of DD. Rosa even recently told Marta about the therapeutic aspects of being able to whack a willing butt when one is annoyed even about something totally unrelated.'s all a matter of degree.

    1. Probably right. Though when stressed, I think I personally will still go for a workout instead of handing her a paddle!

  5. Dan

    I am all for Peter, if stressed, going for a run or spending hours at the gym. If, however he comes in the front door and subjects the boys and I to bad moods or behaviors, then to my mind he is begging me
    to send him up to the back room, strip and kneel and then wait for the punishment he seems to require. I only speak for Peter or rather about Peter when I say his mood and behavior lightens. That is all I request.
    I grew up in a house that was often infected with my Dad's temper and/or pouty behavior. I vowed I
    would never live like that.
    Now if Peter comes home and tells the boys and I he needs some time alone. That is fine. With kindness he will listen to the boys, then excuse himself. Perhaps I need to speak to your lady and fill her in on
    how to not be manipulated by you ! ( I say that with a smile)

    1. Hi Anna. I grew up in a similarly volatile environment, though both my parents had a hand in making it that way. I wonder sometimes what would have happened had one or the other of them had the authority to order a spanking. I also look at my wife's parents, and they are a textbook case of a relationship that could have been helped by DD. Instead, he behaved badly and she sulked, gave him the silent treatment, slept on the couch, etc.

      I'm not sure my bottom could handle you talking to my wife!

  6. Dan
    I totally understand where you are coming from. I finally realized that when Anna says go to your room, I know I am exhibiting bad behavior. The bad behavior I really dont feel good about. Once I accepted that
    Anna would have the last word and I accepted that even when I would rather put it off to another time that it isnt my choice. As Anna has said to me countless times, to show bad behavior is my way if saying bring me back to acceptable behavior and I accept I will do it on her terms. You can't control submission.
    So Dan I say to you stop being so damned smart and just bend over. I say that with a smile !

    1. Hi Peter. Definitely good advice! Hope you are doing well.

  7. Firstly hello from England. Just found this blog/forum and as someone in a new equal DD situation (equal meaning we both get monthly maintainance) I find it interesting. In terms of being spanked (otk on the bed) I am very new to it and have found quickly it is very stress releaving. Where before I was grumpy a lot I am less so now. Cheers "Good Life Mickey".

  8. When I am stressed bad behaviour manifests and my wife responds by sending me to the corner. I seem to react more to stress when I am released from my chastity device for several days and when this is the case I am ordered to put the chastity device on and my wife then locks it.

  9. Hi Dan, its been a while since I've been here and it's good to see just how busy your forum is now!

    Stress, the outside forces of everyday life impacted on our DD.

    Like you, when I've got too much to deal with I can't cope with DD as well - and work/life stuff led us to put the whole DD thing on hold some months back (hence why I've not been checking in here).

    On reflection it was a mistake because we always found up to that point the whole DD experience to be very therapeutic and worked for both of us as a way of relieving stress. Like you when I get that niggling stress it leads to bad behaviour and corrective discipline brings me back in line and relieves that stress. But this time it was a little different with lots of normal life stuff going on plus way too much work to cope with.

    I think if I'd have continued to accept Mistress' direction and discipline through the difficult times instead of shutting off to it, we'd probably have been able to cope better with the outside stresses - but it's easy to say that. At the time everything felt too much and I chose to shut off from DD.

    My questioning Mistress' authority made things uncomfortable for her. She wasn't sure how to react and that knocked her confidence, so we agreed to put DD on hold.

    But all is not lost and we're both keen to return to our old DD regime. It sounds an easy thing to do but where we're at now is working out how best to get things on track and have even discussed the possibility of seeking advice from a third party, some kind of mentor who understands DD. I wonder if anyone else out there has done this - or maybe it could form the subject of a topic in future?

    Best wishes


    1. Hi GK. Welcome back. I could have sworn I have had a topic on mentoring on here, but searching for it just now, I guess I haven't. I'll make it one soon.

    2. Looks like I was right the first time. We have done that topic, and fairly recently. Blogger's search sucks.

  10. GK, I think you will find that communicating with a knowledgeable third party can have a very positive effect on re-stimulating your DD arrangement.

  11. As far as relieving stress, is there any information available on which works better for relief, good hot sex, exercise, or spanking?


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