Taking the Weekend Off

Hi all.  I hope you had a great Thanksgiving.  I am out on vacation, and while I am feeling inspired about a lot of things this morning, coming up with a DD topic is not among them. So, unless such inspiration hits me today or later in the week, I will probably take this week off from blogging.  I hope you all have a great weekend!

Dan 

Love Our Lurkers 11

Hi all.  Welcome to Love Our Lurkers week.  Officially, I think it is supposed to cover only today and tomorrow, but I'm going to be gone next week, so Love Our Lurkers weekend will take the place of our usual weekly topic.  As always, thanks to Hermione at https://hermionesheart.blogspot.com for organizing.

The idea is pretty simple.  If you are a silent reader who has never dared to leave a comment, now is your chance. You may remain anonymous, use a pseudonym . . . whatever.  As for what you should say,  "Hello" is fine.  Or, if you are feeling more adventurous, tell us something about your interest in Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  We would all like to hear from you, so don't be shy!

To all our lurkers and our usual commenters, I will be out most of next week but will try to respond to comments from time to time.  For those of you in U.S., I hope you have a happy and peaceful Thanksgiving with friends and family.

Dan

The Forum - Vol. 182 - Communication

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum - Disciplined Husbands & Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of men and women participating or positively interested in Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

I hope you had a good week, and I am fairly certain that if you live in the USA, you had an interesting one.  I almost didn't post today.  Not because I am, like many of my friends, laying on the floor curled in the fetal position,  incoherently mumbling some variation of  "WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF?"  More because the events of this week seem so . . . consequential . . . it is hard to think about anything else.  At least it is for me.  But, as I sat here struggling with the options of (a) not posting at all; (b) posting but ignoring the one thing that is really on my mind; or (c) finding someway to connect this week's developments with the subject of this blog, it occurred to me that this blog is, in fact, all about . . . consequences.  Taking responsibility.  Getting what you deserve.  Being held accountable for the choices you make.  Those are themes that resonate a lot with me on this surprisingly sunny Saturday.


In my "real life," politics is a passion, and it is hard to set aside that aspect of myself when writing this blog, particularly this week.  But, I will still try to resist temptation.  In my "real life," however, I made the conscious decision to go in the opposite direction, speaking up and saying what I believe more directly (though most who know me would say that has never been a huge problem for me) and worrying less about being polite.  I have several friends and relatives, mainly older ones, who have no qualms about sharing those opinions on politics, religion and cultural values with me and the world via emails and Facebook posts, and some the stuff they put out there is fairly offensive, or just downright stupid.  I used to just delete the emails and ignore the posts, but I've been doing less of that this week.  If they want someone who "tells it like it is,"  they will be getting more of that from me going forward, and I will make every effort to be an equal opportunity agitator, since there are plenty of stupid, willfully ignorant things coming out of the mouths of people on both ends of the spectrum.  But, as Garrison Keillor put it so well this week,  "Resentment is no excuse for bald-faced stupidity."  So, when someone I know says something that offends my own values or that displays a willful ignorance of actual facts or history, I am going to call their ass on it.  A friend of mine observed this week that one of the biggest drivers of this incredibly divided political culture is the rise of media outlets that pander to the extremes.  Conservatives have Fox.  Liberals have CNBC.  It's good that we have competing media platforms, but the danger in it is that these openly partisan outlets become  "echo chambers" in which people sharing the same views just chatter back and forth, driving each other to more and more extreme positions, and those positions are never really challenged.  So, I intend to do some challenging, and I hope you all will do the same.

Now, to start steering this toward something resembling an actual topic, there is one non-partisan message that came through load and clear to me during this election: when trying to influence someone or get them to act, how you say something seems to have far more practical impact than what you actually say.  While it kind of pains me to say it, tone is more important than substance.  In each of the last four or five election cycles, one party nominated someone who spoke with passion and conviction, while the other side nominated someone with a more measured tone and who postured themselves as the "safer" choice.  And in each cycle that "safer" choice either lost or the bomb-thrower they ran against in the primary did far better than anyone predicted possible.  It is a lesson in the power of tone, make whatever point you want to make with strength and authority. People follow passion and strength.

Which, finally, brings me to what I chose as today's topic, though it actually comes from something Anna suggested.  There was a little debate going on in the comments last week about "asking for what you want" versus just accepting where your HoH wife takes things.  I am in the former camp.  I think that "topping from below" is very often misapplied in the context of Domestic Discipline relationships, and failing to communicate openly about what you want and need is probably the single biggest impediment to these relationships succeeding or even getting off the ground.  Looking at the poll I left up for a year regarding readers' "DD status," almost a third said they want a DD relationship but aren't in one.  I wonder how many of those aren't in one because they can't bring themselves to ask for it, because of embarrassment or fear of rejection or because they themselves see their desires as "weird."

So, Anna's suggested topic was along the lines of, how honest have you been in communicating to your spouse what you want out of your DD or FLR relationship and what you would like it to be?  This one really applies to those on both ends of the paddle.  Men, to what extent have you told your wife why you want DD?  Have you told her openly and honestly what you think it does or would do for you, her or the marriage? Have you been open about what emotional need it serves?  Have you given her specific examples of the sternness or strictness with which you would like to be led or held accountable?  For the Disciplinary Wives, have you told your husband honestly how much power you are or are not comfortable wielding?  Have you been honest with him--and even with yourself--about the extent to which you like, or don't like, delivering discipline and being in charge? Have you been clear about the things that piss you off and what you want him to change?  If you want to take things to a different level, have you communicated that to him?

I'm also curious as to what form such communications have taken.  Long talks?  Emails? Journals?  Or, perhaps something more creative?  I'll share again a little more than I usually do.  I've said before that a year or so ago my wife decided to impose a rule that I have to keep a journal and give it to her regularly.  It is supposed to contain a self-report of my behavior issues, but also what I want and feel.  Which is sometimes tough for a guy.  I do find that it works best when I am most open and leave myself the most vulnerable.  But, it also sometimes feels like I am just repeating over and over what I want or need and also trying to reassure her and positively reinforce when she takes more control.   Which is all well and good but, like this blog, it sometimes seems more than a little repetitive.  Recently, I got kind of bored with the whole process, and I decided to try something new.  After the exchanges with Aunt Kay, I was thinking about the Fiction Stories section on the Disciplinary Wives Club website. There was one in particular, entitled Even More, that always really resonated with me.  The arc of the story began with a husband earning a spanking and being told in a call from his wife to expect one when he got home from work, then his thoughts wandered to how he originally asked to try DD, how his first disciplinary spanking played out, and then an account of what happened when he did get home that night.   Thinking about that story and others that have encapsulated some of my own DD history and desires, it occurred to me that my wife is a pretty visual person and, when she reads it tends to be fiction.  (I am the opposite.  I devour history and biographies and business tomes.  It occurred to me that in my journal entries, I was talking to her in the language and tone that works for me -- fact based and analytical -- when maybe what she needed was something more visual and story-like.

So, I spent an afternoon writing a story that was sort of based on how we started but was built on a fictional scenario in which the main character (clearly me, though I wrote it in the third-person using assumed names) has screwed up on several things and gets a call from his wife telling him he will be spanked that night, and then he reminisces on how he came to be in that position, his dread and anticipation, and the event itself.  I tried to use the dialogue to illustrate how stern and strict my ideal HoH would be in conveying her anger and disappointment, her expectations, what was going to happen as a consequence, etc.  And, I used my character's inner dialog to explain the emotions that a disciplined husband really goes through and the motivations underlying it.

I have to say, that exercise in creative writing did turn out to be far, far more effective than any journal entry I have given her this year.  I noticed an almost immediate change in her tone and her comfort level with being very stern and assertive.  So, for us it worked, probably because it gave her a concrete image of how stern and strict I am comfortable with her going, and it happens to comport with where she really does want to take things. 

So, what has worked for you in communicating your needs and desires? Other ideas on how to tell your spouse what you want and need?

Have a good week.

The Forum - Vol. 181 Maintenance Update

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”― Anais Nin

Hello all. Welcome back to the Forum - Disciplined Husbands and Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are participating, or positively interested in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

I watched with interest this week a bit of a phenomenon involving fellow blogger Julie at http://strictjuliespanks.blogspot.com.  I won't go into all the background, but Julie is a Top who decided to experience a disciplinary paddling.  The story itself is entertaining, but it was interesting to me how many other blogs picked up the thread and covered it almost like a news event.   Apparently having the tables turned on a Top has wide appeal. Or, perhaps it was her observations of what the anticipation leading up to your first real disciplinary spanking is like.  Here is a line that reflects fairly closely what I remember from our first time:

"How can I both dread what's coming up, and yet be so excited at the same time??? I absolutely, positively, don't want it to happen. What sane woman would want her ass blistered like this??? Be humiliated like this??? And my poor butt has never even been spanked hard before, not even by hand. And I'm diving straight into the deep end of an intense paddling???? Am I nuts????But I soooo want it to happen....So waiting in anticipation. So confused..."

Well said, Julie.

Julie's approach to her blog is a bit different than mine.  I would describe it, with much affection, as "unfiltered."  The personal details of her relationship with her husband come spilling out left and right.  I have really consciously avoided that approach with this blog, for various reasons.  One was a conscious desire to make this blog less like a diary and more like a community resource.  I also just feel some reluctance to invite a large number of people into the details of our personal life.  But, that has certain drawbacks too when it comes to stimulating a real discussion.  This week, I will depart from my reticence about personal details a little, because we had a DD experience that I thought was worth sharing, as there might be some lessons in it for folks trying to incorporate a DD or FLR routine more deeply into their marriage.

It revolves around "maintenance" spankings.  I don't know whether there is an accepted definition for them, but I think of maintenance spankings as "reminders" or "just because . . ." spankings. They aren't erotic, but also aren't meant to punish.  I have been skeptical of them in the past, because they do seem to depart from the DD principle of using spankings to punish bad behavior and aren't really about punishment.  That seemed to create a risk of sending mixed signals.  But, it occurred to me that those concerns really focus on the spanking from the perspective of the disciplined party.  Could it be that maintenance spankings can have a separate and distinct purpose for the HoH, enforcing their authority and making exercising that authority more of a comfortable habit?  I have been concerned recently that despite some changes in our circumstances that should have opened up opportunities for making discipline more spontaneous and regular, that really has not been happening, despite both of us talking a lot about being committed to really amping up the FLR aspect of our relationship.  Our best intentions notwithstanding, real life just keeps getting in the way. I also feel that while my wife is genuinely interested in taking on a much stronger FLR and HoH role, it just does not come naturally to her and having to constantly make decisions about whether to spank can lead to it not happening even when we both know it should.

As the situation became more frustrating, I thought back to some of the ways in which we established Domestic Discipline early on, when it was unnatural to both of us.  One thing we did was to establish some formal structure and practices.  Early on, we came up with a list of offenses, each of which had a presumptive minimum number of swats with the paddle associated with it.  This served two purposes.  First, it took away some of her concerns about how long or hard to spank or whether it might be too much, by setting an agreed upon floor.  It also meant that if I had a bad week, with lots of bad behavior, the number of swats could get pretty scary, which would hopefully deter some of the behavior before it started.  I had to give her a journal every week tracking the offenses and tallying the swats.  And, it worked to a large extent.  I think setting the minimum number of swats helped her get comfortable with delivering a real disciplinary spanking, by removing just a bit of the discretion.

I thought about the way in which that formality helped us get our DD relationship off the ground, as more than a decade down the line we are struggling with taking things to the next level we both say we want, which is her being more consistently and sternly in control.  I then presented her with a plan.  Instead of waiting for weekends to deal with any bad behavior, with all the family and social distractions weekends entail, and instead of making the decision whether to spank hers alone, what if we set a mid-week "check in" that set the stage fully for a disciplinary spanking if one had been earned?  Each week on the appointed evening, we would both get a calendar reminder on our phones that it was time for a maintenance session in 30 minutes.  I would then have to promptly send her a report of my behavior since our last session.  I would then go up to our room, lay out her tools, get naked, and wait for her to come up.  She would then come into the room at the appointed time, and a spanking would happen, period. But, the type of spanking--maintenance or real discipline--would be up to her.  If my behavior had been good since my last encounter with the paddle, she could just deliver a few light swats to enforce her authority in her mind and and my submission in mine. In  other words, a purely "maintenance" spanking. Or, she would deliver a real disciplinary spanking if I had earned one.   The idea was to build in the formality, and making the fact of a weekly spanking non-discretionary in order to remove some of the decision making "burden" from her and to get her into the habit of thinking of spanking more and more as an option at her disposal and something to be used consistently to express her authority, while preserving her overall authority to decide when real discipline was to be meted out.  And, I see all this as temporary measure to help us both get to the more expansive FLR that we both want.

She agreed to all this.  There were a few communication glitches, but the first session went largely as planned.  With one big exception.  My behavior the prior week had not been especially bad, and for that reason I was thinking this would be a "maintenance" event.  That was reinforced in my mind by the context of the conversation, which had really been about adding maintenance as a new thing. I had, therefore, I had gotten it into my mind that she would give me a few light swats, I would get dressed, and we would go back to doing what we were doing earlier in the evening.  But, what I hadn't thought about was that while I had not behaved too badly that week, a lot of bad behavior had built up since our last session.  So, imagine my surprise when I bent over the bed to accept my "maintenance" swats, and she picks up the fraternity-style paddle and gives me a very, very hard swat right out of the gate.  And, they keep coming. And coming.  And coming.  After a couple of dozen, she says, "You have had a session coming for a long time.  You didn't really think this one was going to be one of the easy ones, did you?"  She proceeded to give me a very hard, very long disciplinary spanking that included paddle, rubber strap and bath brush.

The fact I had not anticipated a real disciplinary spanking had another unanticipated effect.  We talked a few weeks ago about pre-spanking erections and whether depriving someone of that erotic energy before a spanking was desirable and would make the spanking harder to take.  In this instance, because I really thought this would be a perfunctory exercise with a few swats and then done, I never had that erotic energy going before she got to work.  And, yes, that made the spanking much, much worse than usual.

I'm still kind of processing how I feel about all this.  On the one hand, I do think that anticipating a disciplinary spanking serves a purpose in humbling me and building up a "healthy fear."  Getting one that I didn't see coming at all deprived me of some of that.  But, in the long run, perhaps it may go in the other direction, as I now have been confronted with the reality of these sessions happening weekly, that they really can become a real disciplinary session, and that I may not have any way of knowing in advance what direction she will go in.

I admit, I am not really sure what the topic is that this all leads into.  Perhaps just generally, whether you use some variation on maintenance spankings in your relationship, or other means of turning Domestic Discipline or her exercise of her authority into a habit?  This obviously may not be an issue for those women who are naturally dominant and who exercise authority easily and naturally.  But, I do think that incremental steps help to make authority and leadership a habit, and coming up with those incremental steps can require some thought and creativity.

As always, if you are new to this Forum, please take a minute to stop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a bit about yourself.

Also, for our U.S.A. readers, if you have not done so already, go vote!  While I do have fairly strong political opinions, I will not go into them here.  But, regardless of the party or candidate you support, please exercise your right to express that opinion.  It is a right that we take for granted sometimes but one that a  lot people around the world fight and die to get.

An Update From Aunt Kay

Hi all.  Below is an update from Aunt Kay in response to the comments from a couple of weeks ago.  I have been tardy in posting this, due to some travel and other distractions.

"The comments from people who have benefited from the DWC mean a lot to me. More than you can imagine. And I do remember some of them; like the woman from Texas who invited me into a session with her husband using the telephone.

Marissa mentioned the DWC implements.  I put a great deal of effort into designing interesting implements and it was a pleasure working with the individual craftsmen who produced them. All of them were so conscientious. I still have quite a few of them from the days when I kept an inventory on hand.

One Anonymous writer mentioned the Ferule. That was the first of the rubber line and those were some of the most devastating of my implements.

Redsub described leaving the pages of the DWC open and available for his wife to "discover".  I always encourage men to go through the DWC website with their wives and discuss the contents. I have been told it was very helpful many times.

Then there was "Eric" who recalled that we visited his house in the 90s. We were so socially active in the spanking world back then that I can't recall him.  Darn!

Of course Tomy will never forget the Gatherings.

I hope it's O.K. to mention that I am still reachable at the same old email shetops@aol.com

Again. Thank you for all the kind words.

Aunt Kay"