Another poll closed last week, this one aimed at our Disciplinary Wives. It aksed what motivates them to participate in a DD or FLR lifestyle. There were 32 responses, which is great. Here are the results.
Makes me feel powerful
|
10
(31%)
|
Give me more control over my life
|
12
(37%)
|
Punishing his bad behvior clears the air
|
14
(43%)
|
Punishment makes him behave better
|
17
(53%)
|
He asked me to, so I accommodate iit but am not that into it
|
7
(21%)
|
I am a natural Dominant, so this lifestyle fits me
|
9
(28%)
|
Other
|
2
(6%)
|
It's an interesting distribution, and at least somewhat assuring that our Disciplinary Couples are in it for similar reasons. The two highest responses both focused on the punishment aspect of DD, and the same was true of a poll we did of the husbands a few weeks ago. For a significant number of couples, it appears that both spouses are motivated to use DD because it is designed to correct bad behavior.
Looking back at this poll, I probably could have done a better job with the options, though only 2 women chose "Other." One option that is clearly missing is pure erotic or sexual motivation, i.e. using spanking and discpline because it is sexually arousing. I also tied punishment to "clearing the air" and behavior modification, but maybe it serves other purposes, such as pure retaliation or giving the wife a way to voice her displeasure in a very concrete way, though that is sort of subsumed in "clearing the air."
In any event, in terms of using this as a springboard for further discussion, I would like to invite the women who participated to tell us a little more about why they do This Thing We Do, what they get out of it, and what purpose it serves in their relationship. Guys, let's make the Disciplinary Wives feel welcome, which means using our manners. Based on conversations with one of the few female FLR bloggers out there, I have come to realize that one reason there are, in fact, so few of them is any time one of them posts anything they get bomarded with a bunch of random strangers calling them Mistress or Goddess and hitting them up with variations of, "I know you're married, but if you would ever consider spanking someone other than your husband, I would be honored . . ." None of that in relation to this post, please.
I have also posted a new poll. Like last time, this one is for the women. As those who follow this blog and our polls know, a few months ago we ran a poll that confirmed that most men want their DD and FLR wives to be harder on them. More strict, more controlling, and deliveirng more intense punishment. The new poll asks the question, if that is what so many men want, what holds you back or makes it harder for you to assume that more strict and dominating role.
Have a great week.
Dan
Dan,
ReplyDeleteI do this thing we do to have more control over my life and because it promotes a more harmonious marriage with a clarity of expectations. As I have blogged about before, I don't really believe there is ever true and absolute equality in a marriage. And even where there ostensibly is, it's really just a game of whose will is stronger in each decision; leaving both parties without a real sense of control or acceptance. You are either the one who got overridden and may harbor resentment or you got your way, but only this time so next time is still up for grabs.
I do not like that unknown. The constant, even if subtle, struggle for power wastes time, energy, and tends (at least for me) to bring out less than flattering qualities. I used to flounce out of rooms a lot more in my previous marriage or end some contested decision making fight by hurling insults or steely silence. For a lot of reasons, this went poorly for us.
Accepting and living in a FLR provides clarity and peace. When I have control of decisions, it is on me. There's no blaming or the inevitable well you just didn't understand my plan when it went wrong. It's a heavy responsibility to try to make the right decision all the time, but at least I have control over it and I can own it. For my husband, it takes much of the decision fatigue of guessing what the right answer might be or waiting for me to get angry when his suggestion doesn't work. This is simple and clean. My choice, my responsibility, his responsibility to follow. The clarity of it is a significant component of why we do this.
It also has benefits in removing some of the stress of unknowns from me. I can control this. I know he will do what I say if I tell him. That means I have to articulate it, but I can't very well be upset at something happening or not when it was entirely in my control to make it happen in the manner I prefer. And I also know that if there is something I want or need, all I need to do is say it.
I also believe the discipline aspect brings better behavior for both of us. And does clear the air. It's easier to let things go once they have been addressed. It's like the end of a drawn out fight when you feel vindicated but much much more compressed. I believe introducing discipline has the obvious (hopefully) effect of correcting behaviors on the submissive side. But also for the dominant. To actually punish someone for something or exert that level of control requires the dominant to have behaved better as well. It would be wildly unfair to be a raging bitch and then punish him for yelling back. Now I realize there are gradations of this, because as the one in charge I still get to decide whether his behavior warrants some response whereas I have greater leniency. But I try to be fair and judge it from the situation so I'm not just doing whatever I want without regard for what is fair or right or best for us.
That's my two cents. Thanks for a thought provoking forum question!
Thnaks Rhiannon. As always, great observations. I especially like the interplay between responsibility and clarity, as you lay them out. The former can be stressful, but the latter simplifies and clarifies. For both parties.
ReplyDeleteI do this because I'm a lifestyle Dominant, but I also did it because it was what Shilo desired. Believe it or not, those two don't always go hand in hand. I always enjoyed the eroticism of spanking, but turning all that into Domestic Discipline completely changed my outlook. It required rules and guidelines that I had never even thought of. Shilo was ALWAYS cooperative, and rarely if ever questioned my authority. At first, I had to strain to even find a reason to discipline him, but I eventually (with his assistance) found things that needed 'tweaking' and it was helpful.
ReplyDeleteShilo has now been ill for 7 months, and, due to his constant pain, we've been unable to continue on this road on and off for the past 6 months. It just kept slowing down until he finally told me a month ago that it was too much.I'm now in a position where I have no choice but to seek for another relationship. Unfortunately, we've also been so preoccupied with other things that this has taken a toll on our relationship. Imagine desiring something but being unable to so because of your health. We both still desire it, but it's just not possible right now.
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope he gets well soon.
DeleteShiloh, my best wishes also for a speedy recovery! --al
DeleteThank you! I will pass on your well wishes
DeleteDan
ReplyDeleteThink this was a great poll and as a wife and partner who has come to rely on domestic discipline
as a tool for a better marriage and more peaceful home life, for not only myself but also my two sons,
it was good to take stock and think about my motivation. It is as follows:
1. Punishment makes Peter behave better and makes day to day life better for the entire family.
2. Punishment clears the air, almost at once and for a time keeps Peter more aware of how his
bad behavior affects and effects the entire family.
3. Punishment gives me a strong sense of control. In feeling that control I feel more like a
partner in this marriage.
4. The change in Peter after a session shows me just how much pain he was carrying within.
Anna
P.S. One last thing, the fact that he says he needs this shows me his commitment to change and to
our marriage and family
Hi Anna. Great list. I'm glad this lifestyle works so well for you both.
DeleteDan,
ReplyDeleteI'm really not much for the whole online thing, but I know al benefits from participating in such forums, so I've answered the polls for the wives, and will join in for this wive's question.
As al has posted here before, I simply enjoy the power that being a disciplinary wife brings to me. I enjoy giving the actual spanking and his reactions, and bringing him to complete submissiveness as I spank him. Bad attitudes and arguments are settled at once, and once settled, we are closer, more intimate, and more open with each other because of it, and that is a huge benefit of being a Disciplinary Wife. Spanking has helped him improve certain bad behaviors and habits as well, but most importantly it has somewhat improved his tendency to be arrogant and condescending. He still has a problem with it, but there's nothing like a good butt blistering to remind him that he is not so tough after all. And it sure makes me feel better. Honestly, he sometimes now goes a week or two without actually earning a spanking, but he still gets his Sunday night maintenance spanking. We have found this to be very important in maintaining the aura of feminine power (as al likes to phrase it).
On your current poll, I would suggest a couple of more options. The first might be that nothing is holding you back, that you currently spank as you like. This is mostly true in my case, although I do sometimes wish I didn't have to be to be so discreet about it. The other factor might be that you might be held back by your life situation, such as lack of privacy due to kids, etc. That was true for me till the kids moved out.
From "Susie" (al's wife)
Hi Susie! Welcome. I've really enjoyed your husband's participation. Great suggestions on the options I should have included. (Unfortunately, Blogger's poll feature doesn't allow for changes much someone has voted.) I blew it on the prvacy and kids issue in particular, since that one has been a big factor for us over the years. It's great that you've been able to reduce the arrogance and condescension, which I also exhibit way too often.
ReplyDeleteMy husband gets spanked when his (mis)behavior warrants it - and, yes, it does "clean the air"! Whether it makes him "behave better" is debatable, considering how often his (mis)behavior calls for yet another round with the hairbrush, the kitchen spoon, the martinet or the rattan cane... "So long as he needs it" is my motto !
ReplyDeleteJ.