Saturday, November 15, 2014

The Forum - Weekly Topic #66 and New Poll

Hi all.  Off to a bit of a slow start this morning.  So, let's get to it.

First, thanks to Fred, George, Katie, Leigh, RB, JJ, Abby and an Anonymous poster for participating in our first  Love our Lurkers event here at the Disciplined Husbands Forum.  I may do some less formal invitations from time to time if helps make some of our regular but silent visitors more comfortable with participating. 

This week's topic comes from an anonymous commenter on last week's topic. I had intended to use it in a week or two, but I decided to jump right tto it this week, as I think it is is a really great one.  Here it is, as she wrote it:

"What surprised you about the way the DD or FLR relationship turned out? What happened that you didn't expect or didn't happen that you did expect?  In my case, I would list several. I expected that I would feel guilty about spanking my husband. I didn't. I didn't expect to enjoy giving a spanking. I do (and I sometimes feel guilty about that). I didn't expect us both to get a restless feeling when too much time passed without any behavior that deserved a spanking. We undertook it with the idea of it changing him. I have probably changed more than he has."

Those last two sentences really resonate with me in terms of how our relationship has progressed, but I'll go into that a bit later.  In the meantime, please tell us all about the role the unexpected has played in your DD journey.

Also, I've posted a new reader poll that addresses a topic that has always inspitred both dread and fascination in me: being spanked to actual tears.  If it wasn't clear, this poll is aimed at spanking receivers, as I don't really care whether someone who does not actually get disciplinary or punishment spankings has never been broght to tears by one.  We'll talk about this one after the poll results are in.

Have a great weekend.

Dan

34 comments:

  1. Like most guys the thoughts of being spanked by my wife were initially dominated by my sexual fantasy. As we moved to a Female Led Marriage, (FLM) the sexual part has diminished greatly. It has been replaced by what both Lady Mary and I recognize as a fundamental change in my attitude and demeanor after a spanking.

    This morning we slept in late and she permitted me a sexual release as it had been awhile and she noticed I have been grumpy. She had previously warned me a couple of times that my tone of voice had been becoming unacceptable and she even swatted me a couple of times with a large wooden paddle in a semi playful but yet semi serious manner.

    After we came downstairs, and cleaned the kitchen, she informed me that we were now going to clean the front room and I was to begin bringing the holiday decorations up from the basement. I was not happy as this was not on my agenda for today because I wanted to drink my coffee, read the morning paper, check the local news and weather, then watch the OSU v, Minnesota Football game.

    As I was shredding some old medical forms that had accumulated in the kitchen, she asked me an Innocuous question (concerning the type of pizza I wanted for the game) and I barked an answer to her over the noise of the shredder and the crowd noise coming from the pregame show.

    Next thing I know she is in my face with her solid wooden hairbrush in her hand and ordered me to the kitchen. She commanded me to take down my shorts & underwear and bend over. She delivered 25 hard spanks to me as she constantly told me that my tone of voice was completely unacceptable.

    Bear in mind that this was within a hour of a sexual release, but I did not hesitate to do what I was told. After the spanking was over we both commented how the spanking had calmed me. It is hard to explain, but I felt a nonsexual emotional release that somehow completely changed my observable attitude as well as my own internal feelings of well being.

    Bottom line is that when Lady Mary began spanking me. she did it primarily to humor me, and I wanted it for the sexual excitement. Now any sexual excitement is a pleasant side effect. The primary reason we practice FLM is to give Lady Mary a means to recalibrate my attitude and demeanor and give her a means of retribution when she feels that I have not shown her the proper respect.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, RB. I also feel some of that feeling of calm after a spanking, and it is a nonssexual kind of release.

      Delete
  2. Like Rocky Bottom I had requested R spank me. She did it to please me. In time she has spanked me in many positions and in many different rooms. She has also taken pictures of my bottom after she has used each implement and we have talked about the pictures after as we look at them. My wife felt she was not dominate but did find she enjoyed spanking me and also like doing embarrassing things to me. She now loves to scold as she spanks and after most spanking I'm told to assume the display position which is facing a wall on my knees and elbows legs spread with everything on view so she can admire her handy work. She also found she loves to see me in panties (I have 14 pair) and many times that is all I'm allowed to wear in the house. She also found that she does not need a reason to spank me other than she just feels like giving me a spanking.
    archedone

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Archedone. This sounds like an emerging theme -- the wives agree to spank their husbands for their husband's benefit, but over time they become more and more enthusiastic.

      Delete
    2. This was certainly our case. And I can add that as I've hung around forums like this one over at least a dozen years now - I've also noted that same them many times. My guess would be that many women who start out humoring their husband's odd little kink, end up enjoying the power of the paddle and all the attendant benefits that go with it. --al

      Delete
    3. That should have been "noted the same thing many times" in the above post. Sorry, I really need to type these up on Word first to catch any errors before posting. --al

      Delete
  3. "We undertook it with the idea of it changing him. I have probably changed more than he has."

    That encapsulates the biggest surprise in our DD relationship. It was originally supposed to be about chaning my conduct through punishment. That is still one of the goals. There was a recognition that F/m spanking might also work positive changes in her, but that wasn't something we really talked about in the beginning. What surprised me over time, and still does, is that the spanking is now as much about the effect it has on her as on me. It empowers her and gives her an outlet to express her dissatisfaction in a very concrete way. The dynamic has changed to such an extent that if I wanted to stop engaging in DD, I'm not sure she would go for it. And, there definitely are times that she decided to punish me and I dont really want to. Which is kind of the whole point of punishment, right?

    I think the other thing that surprised me is how hard and long a spanking I can take and yet never shed real tears. More of that when our newest poll closes and we discuss tears.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Several things have surprised me since our move to a DD regime. Firstly, I’m not so much surprised but shocked at how Mistress has embraced her authority. Like others, while it was me who first suggested the idea, it is Mistress who has taken DD on to the kind of levels I could not have imagined and has become the one who drives it. Like you said Dan, I don’t think I could stop this thing if I wanted to.

    Secondly, I’m surprised how much of an effect being punished, and I mean being punished and not spanked for fun, has on me. After punishment I feel much calmer, much more respectful and more malleable to her demands – more submissive in every way. I often wonder what kind of level of submission I would achieve – and indeed, what level of authority Mistress would exercise - if we were able to live DD 24/7 and our regime was not interrupted by outside influences.

    Thirdly, I’m a little disappointed in myself that DD has not had more of a positive effect on my attitude – even though Mistress says it does keep me on track and she feels its effect is positive, I feel I could be a better person for her. I suppose it shows that there is always room for improvement in the ‘student,’ and that our relationship requires discipline has to be maintained.

    It is indeed a strange dichotomy, that despite a sense of disappointment in my failings and a growing dread in the discipline that Mistress hands out, I still find it impossible to engage a greater degree of submission.

    gk

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I share the disaapointment that my behavior hasn't changed as much as we had hoped. Though, in our case, both sides need to improve. I need to try harder to break bad habits and resist tempation, and she recognizes that she needs to be more rigorous and consistent in disciplining me when I don't.

      Delete
  5. One of the Great Surprises of my life was the night my plain vanilla wife (only in terms of kink) put me over her lap for a bare bottom paddling. Although she was just using a ping pong paddle in a playful manner (except for the few swats at the end when she began to feel the power) following an unexpectedly candid conversation about sexual fantasies one evening over a bottle of wine. Although I had fantasized about spanking since puberty and been a secret DWC fan for a while, I would never have ever believed my wife would really spank me. I had actually dropped a couple of hints along the way that would not be too revealing and they were just blown off as if had never said them - perhaps the wine helped, but that first spanking itself was the first surprise. The fact that she found a reason to give me another spanking the next morning and this time one that stung a bit with several more swats involved was almost as surprising - no wine and no suggestion from me involved. But the next great surprise was her embracing the DWC philosophy almost immediately following those first first two relatively playful spankings. Those two spankings had led to a discussion about the DWC - and she had immediately researched it and delivered her first DWC class hairbrushing to my poor behind that very afternoon. She became an avid, enthusiastic, and effective disciplinarian very quickly - that I also would have never, ever believed. That was perhaps more shocking than her taking the first plunge to do a little play spanking. So, I guess my biggest surprise was that I became a regularly spanked hubby to begin with.

    But the other surprise was the reality of an actual "long and hard" bare bottom hair brushing. I had fantasized about it countless times - but I the reality was far different than the fantasy (a point which Aunt Kay talked about in on her DWC site also). I had no idea how much that damned hairbrush would actually burn and sting as my sweet little wife set my behind on fire for the first time with a true DWC style paddling (she had read the tips and methods section on the DWC site carefully!).

    Finally, as has been mentioned, I was surprised to find my wife becoming steadily more confident over time as she became an established disciplinary wife - and not just in terms of delivering the discipline without hesitation and taking charge in the bedroom, but also just in terms of everyday life. --al

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Al. Sounds like your wife was a natural for the DD lifestyle.

      Delete
    2. Yes, it turns out she was - which was the most unexpected thing of all! Seems that you just never know. --al

      Delete
  6. Dan

    Back in September I wrote about how Peter and I began discipine in our marriage. You printed it under user stories. My spanking of Peter has been happening now for two years. When we began
    I assumed that it would change him and it has indeed. What I had not realized was how much it
    would change me.
    A few weeks ago, after a session of discipline, Peter crawled into bed and into m arms and thanked me. As I held him, in the dark he told me how much it meant to him that I had come to
    understand this need of his and how much closer he felt to me. Although he doesnt cry no matter how harsh the punishment, that night he had tears in his eyes. He told me how proud he was of
    the changes in our marriage and how much closer he felt to me as his partner in life.
    As I had mentioned in that essay I wrote in November, we never have sex after a punishment
    session. However that night as I held him he begged to let him service me orally without any
    release for himself. He did and when he kissed me goodnight he had tears in his eyes as he
    whispered thank you to me.

    Anna

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's really great, Anna. Congratulations to you both. Sounds like you both changed in very positive ways.

      Delete
    2. Dan
      Just so it is clear. That was a lovely moment, that gives me hope. I have however, been forced to punish him twice since then. But after all,he is a work in progress, as
      am I.

      Anna

      Delete
  7. As our DD marriage developed there has been many unexpected developments. At first my wife was punishing me in an emotional way. She was visibly upset with me and spanking me seemed an emotional outlet for her. The spankings were rather ineffective since she was not able to spank very long. As time went on she developed into a strict disciplinarian with no emotion in her lecturing me prior to the spanking. The spankings are now with implements – paddle, brush and belts and last for extended lengths of time until I’m sobbing from the punishment. She is in total control of everything in our marriage.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's interesting that the spanking became more effective with the emotion taken out of it.

      Thanks for contributing.

      Delete
  8. Off Topic: Just thought I would mention this to the group - there was a interesting episode on "Forever" - a new crime drama this season on ABC (with a bit of supernatural and a bit of Sherlock Holmes thrown in). It was on last Tuesday, so it may still be available online or the "on demand" type feature for those who have it. The episode featured a dominatrix character who "really got it" and with whom the main character became very intrigued. The episode did show some dungeon-esque items - restraints and whips and such - which is a bit more than DD and not our thing at our home, but the interesting thing was the way she described her service - as a therapist - especially one particular line about the pain she inflicted relieving the even worse pains her clients had within. -- Sorry about the "off topic" but since it was current, I thought i would pass it on. --al

    ReplyDelete
  9. Some surprises/unexpected happenings.

    1. My first and subsequent punishment spankings burned and stung much more than I ever expected and were almost unbearable. Found out I wasn't as tough as I thought.
    2. Nevertheless, when it was over, my first thought was thank God the paddling ended, but at the same time an appreciate of the fact my wife just did something for me and the betterment of our marriage and a show of her love for me. When others say you love your wife more after you've been disciplined, you really do.
    3. Discipline reinforced my honest desire to improve my behavior and it did. But, I don't think husbands will improve if they don't really want to improve.
    4. When you improve your behavior you are rarely spanked and when you have long periods without spanking, you actually miss being spanked. There is something about being spanked that turns on the sexual and romantic juices. It might be a solution to be spanked on New Years, Valentines Day, Anniversary and Birthday (not quite as hard) as a reminder of your love for each other.

    Fred


    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Fred. I definitely understand 2 an 3. On 1, I've had the opposite experience. I've always had a weirdly high pain threshold, so no matter how hard her spankings are, I can't seem to get to a place where it just truly becomes unbearable and I lose control. On 4, I understand it theoretically. There are times when our DD activity has been sparse where I miss it, but it is really the imposition of boundaries and control that I miss, not the spankings themselves.

      Delete
  10. Well said, Fred. I think most of that applied to my experience as well, especially number 1. In regard to the issue in number 4 - earning less spankings because our behavior improves as a result of being spanked, I believe that should be the case if you are honestly using the DWC lifestyle for life improvement. And I would guess that is why many of us, including my wife and I, utilize a periodic maintenance spanking (not quite as hard as a punishment spanking, but a real spanking) to maintain a sense of discipline in the marriage. I receive a weekly maintenance spanking - usually on Sunday evenings,but it could obviously be less often - biweekly or monthly perhaps. I have heard of daily but that does seem excessive. --al.

    ReplyDelete
  11. My experience with the former girlfriend who taught me about adult discipline was similar. The number of spankings were reduced as time went on and my behavior and especially attitude pleased her more. Although at the same time as I remember it the spankings became more severe and she added “extras” to the discipline that were not part of it originally. But if originally she spanked me twice a month (it might have been more often) eventually it was once every other month or so. Part of this may have been her very clear policy that spanking had a purpose and if they didn’t achieve that purpose she would punish me in other ways I would like a lot less so I had motivation to show progress. With my wife it has been different. Her behavior goals for me have been a process of stricter and stricter expectations especially since we married. While we were dating I could show up an hour late and she might laugh it off. Now 15 minutes late without a very good reason can trigger a major spanking. In other words she keeps moving the goal posts and she keeps demanding better and better behavior from me. I thrive on this and its part of the magic of discipline for us. But I am probably being spanked now as often as 10 years ago but not for the same things. I think I am a much better person and much happier but if you just counted the number of spanking you would think we made no progress
    Alan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Alan
      Must say I do like the phrase " Moving The Goal Posts ". It so aptly describes our situation. My husband needs that sort of reminder that there is in my mind a long term goal for him. Like you he is a better husband, father and friend.
      Thanks again for that phrase I love it!

      anna

      Delete
    2. Thanks Anna,

      I think discipline in a long term relationship must be dynamic if it is to be real. I don't know if my wife figured it out in the beginning or it just evolved but she started with modest goals for me and then increased her strictness and expectations. I learned accountability to her over the smaller things and that training just carried over as her goals for me increased . Thinking back I thought I needed discipline but I had no real idea just how bad I really needed to be disciplined. As I said above I seem to thrive on the increasing strictness and wanting to make her proud of me and feel that the discipline is working.

      Alan

      Delete
    3. Alan, your comment makes me wonde whether my wife and I have gone about it a bit wrong. We tended to start with the big stuff, ignoring the small stuff and, honestly, a lot of hte big stuff is a repeated problem. I wonder if it might have been more effective to start with smaller bad habits, address those, then move up the ladder of offenses.

      As always, thanks for contributing!

      Dan

      Delete
    4. Hi Dan

      Starting with smaller doable goals is actually what Aunt Kay recommended and I am pretty sure that's where we got it. As I remember she said something like list the behaviors that need correction and then start with one or two that seem achievable ( the easiest) then move on. Both my former girlfriend and my wife looked for results oriented spanking meaning they better work or something else is needed. I think that starting with doable things gives your wife confidence and a sense of her authority and makes you feel progress is being made

      Alan

      Delete
  12. Dan,

    I don't know how your wife spanks, but mine can apply about 120 hard swats with a 1/2 inch thick paddle in about 2 minutes and they come so fast there is no time to recover. Has your wife done that? The good news is that soon after your butt grows numb and the pain diminishes rapidly. If she does, and it doesn't become almost unbearable to you, your one tough son of a gum.

    Fred

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The problem we find with the paddle is the fast pace is almost counter-productive, because of the numbness you refer to. After about a minute, I dont feel it nearly as much. What seems to be more effective, particuarly with thick wooden insruments like a paddle, are less frequent, harder strokes, but that go on a long time. But, for sheer shock effect, she has this thing I bought that is about an 18 inch long rubber strap, about an inch wide, with a wooden handle. It hurts unbelievablly bad, and i never really get numb.

      Delete
  13. Dan,
    This might be a topic for a future forum but does your wife spank fast like Fred's or slower and drawn out. Physically in the end you might get to the same point fast or slow but to me the psychological differences are huge. Fast can just be emotionally overwhelming and the numbness at the end lets you stop struggling and let go to her control. But slower makes you keep engaged all the way and maybe absorb the lesson better especially if she is scolding. Maybe fast is more a punishment spanking and slower is more for discipline. Would love to hear some comments from others

    Alan

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hi Allan, Mistress applies the cane very fast. As soon as the stroke lands I have to count the number of the stroke and say 'Thank You Mistress.' And then the next stroke is applied. If I'm whining of begging, she applies the next stroke regardless so there is no respite. I find this method of punishment far more painful that allowing time for the pain to subside before the next stroke. The letter method to me as quite pleasurable because while you get that intense sting of the impact, followed by the sting of the nerves rebounding, the deep burn that follows is quite delicious, leaving you eager for the next stroke. Mistress' method of caning me is pure punishment.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi RM,
      My experience is mainly with the brush and strap but it's the same I think.My wife likes me to raise my bum to her stroke but doesn't make me count ( actually won't tell me how many I am getting and doesn't want me concentrating on the number) I do think that hard and fast without a warmup is pure punishment where the objective is to punish behavior rather than teach a lesson . Slower and longer is more discipline and learning a lesson because I process more what she is scolding me for and the whole experience is more ritualized

      Alan

      Delete
  15. My Wife and I are only relatively new to DD. We have been married now for just over two years and I have only recieved a small number of disciplinary spankings.
    It all stared as fun sexy spankings that I asked for. She wasn’t that into it, (she didn‘t want to hurt me), but with time she came to enjoy the job. She often tells me that she like watching my bottom move and turn red, often giggling when the haibrush makes a target like mark. In all, she has changed the most, and realy enjoys giving a good spanking. My wife even changed to favour an old hotel style cloths brush she spotted in an opp shop and bought. In total now we have two wooden paddles, a wooden hairbrush and the dreaded cloths brush.
    I enjoy a good spanking, but after my first discipline spanking from my wife, I don’t look forward to those, neither of us do. If I start out arroused, I don’t end up so. I think we both have changed in our thoughts on spanking and DD.

    J.

    ReplyDelete

Your comment will posted if/when approved by the moderator. This blog is a curated resource for those genuinely and positively interested in DD and FLR lifestyles. Comments that are rude, uncivil, inconsistent with the blog's theme or off-topic may not be posted or may be removed.