Sometimes I detect a confluence of sorts, in which multiple seemingly random events all seem to point in a particular direction or play to a particular theme. Call it Karma or Fate or whatever, some force seems to be giving events a nudge in a way designed to get your attention. Lately, I've had some of that going on with respect to the notion of "surrender." It is a notion that covers a lot of ground. On a philosophical or spiritual basis, it means getting better at surrendering to what is. Accepting the current state of affairs, and accepting what will come, without as much desire to change or control them. Letting life come as it is. In my work life, it means being at least a little bit more accepting of the notion that every once in awhile I may actually need to give in to the will of others who are above me in the pecking order. Does my use of a whole long string of qualifiers demonstrate just how resistant I am that particular form of "surrender"? ;-)
In my marriage, it means giving up my power so my wife can have more. It means giving in to her will even when my own wants to rebel and even when being bossed or ordered around cuts against the grain of every fiber of my being. But, that equalization of power was something we were expressly shooting for when we adopted DD. And, for me, the idea of really "surrendering," of giving up control in some deep, fundamental way, was at the seductively terrifying core of a DD relationship in which corporal punishment might bring me to tears, and those potential tears have to me always represented the ultimate show of surrender.
One of the strains nudging me toward paying some more attention to the idea of "surrender" was a series of posts in the I'm Hers blog at www.im-hers.blogspot.com. The blog's author has been exploring his need to be subjected to a deeper, more challenging dominance. One of the quotes that really resonated with me:
My feelings are changing. I’m realizing the value of being broken by her (if that is the correct word). I know that by becoming completely hers, by being more accountable, by reframing my view of ‘whose first’ to be Katie at all times, by conforming to her will strengthen our bond. I want to give myself more fully (or should I say completely) to her.
I had aha moment a several weeks ago. I came to see just how much I wish to have Katie take me completely. I need less freedom. I need more accountability. I need to be broken and made to make her my first priority, putting my wants second. I need to gain a healthy fear of her, similar to the way a child both loves and fears a parent. (As Kathy would call this, I desire for Katie to completely snuff out any 'pocket of resistance' left in me. That to me is synonymous with 'being broken'.)
That does a pretty good job of summarizing what I was really looking for when we started our DD explorations, even if I might not have articulated quite that way at the time. The line about needing to gain a healthy fear struck a particularly strong chord.
Have a great week.