Saturday, December 6, 2014

The Forum - Vol. 69

Hello all.

I hope you had a great week and have girded yourselves to brave the holiday shopping crowds.  I am so far behind this year, I'm dreading walking around aimlessly, hoping that the one great gift for each person in my life will just magically present itself, thereby saving me from resorting to the dreaded gift card.  Given my behavior, I know what I should be getting, repeatedly, before, during and after Christmas, if Santa Claus really does separate us into Naughty and Nice groupings.


We have now closed another poll, and this one has a special resonance for me.  The topic was tears, specifically, have you ever been brought to tears by an adult spanking.  And, if so, was it just a few small tears of full-blown sobbing.  The results are:

No
  49 (48%)
Yes - only a few tears
  26 (25%)
Yes - real sobbing
  27 (26%)

Once again, our poll results are somewhat counter to what I would have predicted.  I have always suspected that if there was one area where disciplinary fantasy disconnects from disciplinary reality, it probably was crying.  Reading about "real" disciplinary spankings in forums like the Disciplinary Wives Club, one would think that vritually every well-delivered disciplinary spanking leave the husband racked with sobs and free-flowing tears.  Yet, the last time we covered this topic (early in the history of this blog), most of the commenters indicated they had not been brought to tears.  We now have a bit more critical mass, and the results above may be a little more indicative of what happens in real life, and I am a little suprised that the distibution is almost 50-50 between the tearful and non-tearful.  I also am very surprised that over a quarter of respondents say they have been reduced to real sobs.

I said this topic has some special resonance for me.  To such an extent that the prospect of crying was probably the most significant driver of the emotional reaction I had when I discovered the DWC website.  The stories of men being brought to tears over their wives knees fascinated me and had an undeniable attraction, but it was an attraction that was also utterly and completely terrifying.  The thought of letting go of control so thoroughly that I would sob in front of my wife while she paddled me was anxiety-inducing to an extent that is really hard to over-estimate.   Yet, the prospect of experiencing that kind of catharsis was also a major impetus for my decision to broach the topic of DD with her.  But, in doing so, I really did half-hope that she would not be interested, because the prospect of being brought to tears just terrified me so much.

So, here we are many years later, and I still have not cried, even as the result of spankings that I think anyone would acknowledge fall into the "severe" range.  While it is all speculation on my part, I think there are many things that account for it, including:  (1) I have a lead bottom and a weirdly high pain threshold; (2) my wife doesn't do a lot of stern lecturing beforehand, which might reduce mey resistance emotionally before the spanking even starts; (3) deep-seated fear of embarrassment that keeps me from quite letting go fully and completely; (4) spankings that are severe in terms of impact but not always in terms of duration, because my bottom starts to bleed (usually very minor, but enough that it makes her stop).

Alan alluded to that last one in his comment yesterday, as I do think that one thing that would help me get to the point of actual release is the prospect that a spanking that I am already having a hard time taking is likely to go on, and on and on.  I also think the choice of tool can be important, because some of our bigger, "thuddier" paddles tend to make my bottom go numb pretty quickly, which is counter-productive.

Alan also talked about his wife's reaction to tears and that she not only is comfortable with him crying but encourages it.  My wife and I have discussed this several times, and I think her attitude has progressed a lot as she has become more comfortable in her role, going from acknowledging that my crying might disturb her because it it shows is hurting me "too much," to getting over that and being OK if I do cry at some point, to mildly disappointed that it has not happened yet.

So, with that very long-winded opening, tell us your situation, hopes and fears where tears are concerned.  Have you been brought to tears?  Would you like to be?  If you have, were there certain things that enabled you to get there? If not, what do you think is holding you back?

I hope you all have a great week.

Dan

29 comments:

  1. I never really cry (let alone sob) when my wife applies the hairbrush, the kitchen spoon, the strap or the martinet, although there have been times when my eyes were brimming with tears - but, on the other hand, I often moan, wail, yelp or even shriek when she gives me 'what's for'... That's what she expects, and she would only lay it on harder if I didn't...

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    1. It's the same for me. -- lots of noise but no real tears.

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    2. The "noise", however, can be rather embarrassing - at least for me - when it may be overheard (as has happened a number of times, mostly in hotel rooms )

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  2. I have not been brought to tears by my Mistress from a spanking. I am a realist and know that it will eventually happen but as of now it hasn't.

    My Mistress has an instinct to stop when she thinks it begins to hurt. As such, (sad to admit) I'm generally successful at being to get her stop sooner than she probably should of by whining and feigning the enduring of pain part. That being said, the punishment are getting harder and harder.

    Would I like to be brought to tears? No, not on the surface. Would I like to be subject to something in my FLM that I don't like? Yes, probably. Taking a severe punishment to tears is a lot like other things that I might be required to do, even though I don't want to. Like the idea of being required to consume my ejaculate every time I cum is so very exciting. Not at all because I want to consume my ejaculate but rather because it would be required of me to do so in order to cum. You know, a little skin in the game so to speak.

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    1. I agree that being made to do something you would not otherwise want to is part of the dynamic my wife and are aiming for. Submission seems fairnly meaningless if it's easy or natural.

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  3. Crying during a spanking can be induced by releasing a deep underlying emotional knot.
    I had that once. Lost someone. He deceased. Was no longer able to talk out things which I really wanted. I could not cope with it, was angry. totally blocked.
    A long trip over my wife's knee while she handled the bathbrush brought me to tears.
    This is a stress release spanking. I dont cry from a spanking because I left the toilet seat up or left the bathroom in a mess. I think there must be an emotional load.

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  4. I confess...I answered the question. I've always been a spanking fetishist, and I've bottomed quite a bit in the past 35(!) years, but getting me to cry during a spanking isn't easy. I'm rather stoic during pain, unless I'm screaming. (just ask my piercers)

    I can, however, be reduced to a sobbing mess during a spanking. Not from physical pain, but from emotional pain. If I'm truly sad or upset or feeling guilty by my actions that resulted in a spanking, I will cry and sob uncontrollably. Stitch (my partner/Lover/ex-husband) would stop the moment I started to whine, and left me feeling unsatisfied, but I now have someone who understands my need for crying, and will spank me until I'm in full-blown sobbing mode.

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    1. I'm sure that's a major part of the challenge in being brough to tears -- finding someone who will administer one long enough to bring them out and who can resist teh natural tendency to stop in the face of protest.

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  5. I make a big fuss when I’m punished, something which used to make Mistress stop caning me. But she got wise t o that and now carries on regardless.

    I’ve been close to tears quite a few times recently but I’ve always fought it and managed to maintain control. Like others have said it tends to be at times when I’m a bit emotional rather than the severity of the punishment.

    One time I was whimpering, tears in my eyes and close to crying just after the punishment had finished. I really wanted to let go of all control but Mistress took one look at me and told me to be quiet. All I wanted was a hug…..

    I think she was as embarrassed as I was in that moment and neither of use knew how to deal with it.

    We talked it over later and I explained how I was feeling and I think if we’re ever in that position again we would both cope in a very different way.

    Deep down, I’d like to experience that out-pouring of emotions as I feel it would be the ultimate stress release – but as I’ve never experienced it, or cried since I was a child, I’ve no idea what the reality might be.

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    1. Thanks, RM. Communication is probably key in avoiding the embarrassment that might otherwise get in the way of letting go.

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  6. Put me in the category of "emotional tearing". I don't actually cry, but on a couple of instances....which would amount to a tiny fraction of our disciplinary encounters, I have 'welled-up'....but as mentioned by others, not due to the spanking itself, but rather for the reason I was being spanked. It was a release of sorrow, shame, and contrition based on how hurt Rosa seemed at the time of the punishment. It was her emotional state that aroused mine, not the paddle, though the emotional release did occur during the spankings.

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  7. I originally never cried from spankings, but once my wife began lecturing me on my misbehavior as well as prolonging the time actually spanking did I begin to cry. I think it is that combination that got to me emotionally and made me break down. Not too long ago I got a spanking for a relatively minor offense, one that I deserved for sure. The duration was shorter than normal and no real lecture. I was sad that I offended her but no tears.

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    1. Thanks. This is consistent with what I have suspected might bring me to tears.

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  8. I don't cry. But, whether you cry or don't cry, in my opinion, it is non-relevant to an effective DD relationship. For an effective DD relationship where your objective is to improve bad behavior, both you and your wife have to talk things out. Your wife has to be strong enough to be the disciplinarian and willing to give strong doses of corporal punishment (easy when she's angry, but tough to come through when she is not in the mood) when agreed upon behavior has been violated. The husband has voluntarily agreed certain behaviors must change, and that he will accept strong corporal punishment and understands his wife will spank him as hard and long as she feels it is necessary to affect change in his behavior. When a spanking is necessary it is the husband's agreement to "take it" no matter how tough it gets and learn from it. So the wife is key to making DD work and realizes change will not happen unless she is willing to put bruises on her husband's backside. The husband must fear them because he knows they will be very painful and thus wants to avoid them in the future. Crying is not relevant to those objectives. I don't cry, but I cringe when I know I'm going to soon be in a world of hurt. After being punished I am a very good husband and do my best not to screw up again and my wife sees the benefit of delivering discipline.

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    1. I agree to a certain point, but would suggest slightly different wording. Crying does not determine whether a DD relationship is effective or ineffective. That is different from crying not being "relevant." If part of what the disciplined party wants to achieve is the release associated with crying, then it is relevant. It's just not the same goal as correcting behavior.

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    2. Surely if one is in a true female led relationship, where the Lady has full control, then what the disciplined party wishes to achieve is irrelevant? The only relevance is that the punishment is of a suitable severity to push the disciplined party beyond his limits. Only when punishment is feared, can it act as a deterrent and become an effective means of maintaining discipline. In my view - of course.

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    3. Sorry, but that one is view I don't share, and I think it is a place where there is a relevant distinction between domestic discipline and Femdom. It may very well be that in a Femdom relationship the male has just given up all his own interests to whatever the female feels like doing. But, that's not the kind of relationship I am in (or want), and I don't think it is a part of Domestic Discipline. Now, someone could be in both. But I don't think what you are describing is a necessary component of a DD relationship. And, I'm not even comfortablle with saying it should be a component of an FLR relationship. I see that as a relationship in which one party has given up some level of control to the other, and they have established a pecking order of sorts. Biut, that doesn't mean tha the male's interests and needs aren't relevant and shouldn't be considered.

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    4. I'm in agreement with Dan's last post, Even in a FemDom relationship, the submissive partner has some say in the matter. Shilo is not "less than" me. His feelings matter, because I Love him,

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    5. I think maybe I didn't express my thoughts too well on this - or we got our wires crossed. What I meant was the Lady having the full control in determining punishment when correcting behaviour. I my view whether the male is brought to tears is not really relevant since crying is triggered by emotions - and not the punishments. Though I'd agree that there can be an emotional effect in the discipline process. Like you Dan, I would not wish to live in a FemDom relationship.

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  9. Dan
    I have and can bring Peter to tears. It is when I see the tears I know that the spanking is reaching him and allowing him to let go and experience the punishment as punishment. When I see tears I know he is truly repentant and is truly sorry for behaving badly.
    I think for many men they want to cry and perhaps sob but fear that they will appear less than a man if they allow their partner in life to see that side of him.

    At the same time I think a husband has to be able to say they need the spanking without having to have done something wrong. We are all such complex creatures and most men have been raised to not show the need to submit in some form. If we could all just speak of our needs and
    not fear we would be ridiculed for that need.
    Sense I am rambling but this subject I think is at the basis of much of what is wrong in many
    marriages. Each trying to be what they think they should be. I am not a perfect wife or mother.
    I am a good enough wife and mother. I want Peter to know I wont disappear of think less of him if he breaks down and shows me that boy in him. The boy that is in all men.

    Anna

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    1. Thanks, Anna! I agree completely about our complexity and that communicating our needs is key to a good relationship yet sometimes very challenging.

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    2. Hi Anna,

      Many of the guys on the board have discussed crying, myself included but I think details about your experience bringing Peter to tears would add a lot to the conversation. Do you think it is specific things you do as part of punishing him or is he simply a man who can let go ? In an earlier post I mentioned that when it happens for me I think shame at needing to be spanked is part of it . But my wife also encourages crying and thinks its a healthy way to show repentance as well as submit to her authority. Your thoughts on this are very welcome.

      Alan

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    3. I've not cried during or after being punished but I do make a fuss and feel ashamed about that - mainly because I've used to in to encourage Mistress to 'let me off' the kind of punishment she'd really like to administer. I don't think crying is something to be ashamed off, if the tears are genuine.

      I also agree with Anna that a husband should be able to ask for punishment if he feels a real need for it. Whether his need is tended to is entirely down to his wife. I think that if it is a loving relationship (which is what we are all talking about here in terms of DD anyway), then his wife will be only to happy to fulfill his 'need'.

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  10. Personally I believe you should get over the shit and cry for your wife without a spanking. I bet she will and even you will still love yourself in the morning.

    With respect,

    gat1207

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  11. Dan

    I reread your original statement this week. After much thinking I sense if you are being severely spanked it is more than likely #3 on your list. In rereading many other men I sense it is the main
    block to tears. It isnt that I think men do it on purpose, its how they were raised not to show that
    sort of fragility. Know I say this with love.
    anna

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    1. Hi Anna. I think you are mostly right, and it's likely the reason that women seem to be able to cry from spankings fairly easily while men can't, even though women typically have higher pain thresholds than men. But, I think the lack of lecturing, and the duration are also impediments. The former likely can serve to break down the emotional walls a bit before the spanking even gets started, and the prospect of a longer spanking may make giving into tears easier when you feel like you already can't take but it still may have long to go. But, on the duration issue, I think the particular tool is important. A large paddle brings numbness a lot faster, while "whippier" tools like her Loopy Johnny or that awful little rubber strap are all pain and little numbness even after innumerable strikes. The bathbrush also doesn't seem to numb things that quickly, but it also tends to result in the skin breaking, and when that happens she often calls an end to the spanking prematurely.

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