Brief Hiatus and Christmas Thoughts

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline relationships.

I hope you all had a great week.  Ours got kind of crazy, with some unanticipated housing repairs that we’re still dealing with.  Tis the season for frozen pipes and other plumbing problems in our part of the country.  In addition to that craziness, I was trying to push through a couple of home improvement projects, and we both tried to knock out most of our household Christmas decorating.  All this was in anticipation of me getting sidelined by a personal issue I’ve been needing to deal with for a while.  This has been one of those years that I find myself constantly bemoaning the fact that getting old sucks, until I remember how much better it is than the only known alternative.

Thanks to that little issue, the blog may be on hiatus for a couple of weeks.  That, plus I really can’t think of a damn thing to post about that we haven’t done to death.  If I get a burst of energy and inspiration, I will post something substantive. If not, it may just be sporadically sharing some Christmas cheer in the form of art and memes.  In that spirit . . . in honor of Belle, who admits to getting inspired by titillating Christmas art and in partial apology to Jimmy for whatever role this blog played in his becoming a disciplined husband this year . . . I hope this gives her some inspiration and him some Christmas cheer. 

   

There is something about the following picture that I find inspiring, though I doubt Anne will be modeling for such a shot herself, given that there is a direct line of sight from our tree, through a huge set of windows, to the front street.

  

I also probably won’t be seeing anything like this. It looks like it was taken in front of a mall Christmas display, and I almost certainly won’t be making any more trips to the mall before Christmas.  

 

It’s one of many things that many of us won’t be doing in 2020.  It’s been a year of adjusting our expectations, hasn’t it?  Lots of this going on, with no lube . . .

 

 

Unfortunately, there won't even be vanilla versions of this going on this year. 

 

 

Cliché as it may be, you never know what you have until it’s gone.  I distinctly remember limping into this time last year, exhausted from too much travel, too much work, and too much socializing.  We ended up dodging several holiday parties with friends that have become traditions over the last few years, because we were just worn out.  Had I known it 2020 I would be desperate for some time with other people, I might have reached a little deeper for some Christmas cheer and the energy that comes with it.

 

 

Who would have thought that there would ever be a year in which what is under the tree may actually matter more than the people around it for the simple reason that the people won’t be there this year?

 

While I don’t have a topic this week, feel free to chime in with how this crazy year is impacting your holiday plans, including sharing any thoughts on ways you are working around lockdown orders and concerns for vulnerable friends and relatives.

The Club - Meeting 320 - Changes and Transitions

“An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.” - Mae West

 

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline relationships.

 

  

Sorry for the delayed post, and now that it is here it will be a short one. I hope you’re all off to a good start for your week and, for those in the U.S., enjoying Thanksgiving preparations. Though, I admit it’s a holiday that has never done much for me.  Apparently, many DD and kink-aficionados feel the same way.  In past years, I have spent hours looking for Thanksgiving-themed sexy/kinky art, and the pickings are always drier than an overcooked turkey.  This year, I’m not even going to try and am just moving on to Christmas!

 

   

We really are getting an earlier start on Christmas this year.  We don’t have the tree up yet but will do it this weekend.

 

 

Most of our Christmas lights and outdoor decorations are hung.  We noticed that a few others in the neighborhood also got an early start.  I guess everyone could use some early Christmas cheer and holiday spirits this screwed up year.  We also got a head start on some of the more intensive preparations because we have some personal commitments coming up that may keep me away from the blog for a couple of weeks after this posting. Right now, I’m just playing it by ear.

 

I apologize for all the delayed and missed postings.  Part of the problem really has been lots of family obligations and celebrations, home improvement projects that take on a life of their own, etc. Though, it’s also likely a function of there just hasn’t been a lot to share on the DD or FLR front.  Some of that is probably thanks to all the distractions I just mentioned.  But, it’s also a function of the fact that after hitting a real low point in terms of stress and personal behavior problems in September and part of October, I’ve been on an uncharacteristically good roll lately.  It’s been weeks since I had any over-indulgence problems on the drinking or diet front.  I’m going into the holidays several pounds lighter than I was this time last year.  I’ve been working out steadily, though that may temporarily stop soon thanks to a combination of some physical issues I need to address and gyms shutting down again thanks to Covid resurgence. Work remains much, much slower than I’d normally like, but I’m finding I really don’t care very much.  While she hasn’t said anything expressly, I get the feeling Anne isn’t in much of a domineering mood, whether for her own reasons or because there has not been much bad behavior on my end to get riled up about.

 

 

I’ve been living with myself long enough to know that trends and trajectories—good or bad—always change direction or fully reverse at some point.  I also believe that men have hormonal cycles too even if ours are less dramatic, and my kink interest and my perceived need to give up control and have boundaries imposed waxes and wanes sometimes for no apparent reason.  But, when it’s not all that often that I hit a place where everything just feels more stable and balanced. On those occasions, I do end up thinking about what would happen if “balanced” became a more ordinary state for me.

 

Now, in the past I always thought that if I suddenly found myself feeling more balanced and controlled and, hence, less in need of imposed boundaries and external controls, I might still actively seek out DD to drive better performance in other areas.  I think it is pretty rare that someone is self-disciplined in all aspects of their lives, so there is always something to work on, right?  Perhaps, but early next year I am planning to go through a big career change that right now is removing any real performance goals around work and career achievement.  Work and career-related goals and motivations have been such a dominant thing in my life for 30+ years, it’s just weird being in a place where I don’t have anything I’m aiming for in that area. 

 

None of this is to say I have some inclination to stop DD or to stop experimenting with FLR.  It’s a lot more subtle and uncertain than that.  I’ve just hit this point I’ve never really been at before where my moods and drives are pretty manageable and stable and the work-related striving and stress that created at least some of the imbalance may really be going away sometime soon.  So, it’s not that I’m giving up on DD or FLR but, rather, for the first time since we took this up, live really is moving in a different direction and who knows what impact that will have?

 

What about you? For those of you who have been through a similar transition, what impact did it have on your DD and/or FLR desires and level of activity? For those who haven’t, if you reached a point where your behavior was mostly under control, would you still need or want DD in your life?  Would you continue with spanking but take it in a more erotic direction?  For the ladies, if your men suddenly became much better behaved on every front, or if his need for DD and imposed rules were reduced, would you miss doling out the discipline?  Would you miss taking charge, to whatever extent you are in charge of certain areas now?

 

I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving. Be safe.

Once Again . . .

 I seem to have run out of weekend before I ran out of to-do list items. I forget how busy weekends are this time of year.  I will try to get something posted tomorrow.

Delayed Post Update - Impromptu Topic by Belle

After posting the below notice that I probably wouldn't be posting this week, I received the below comment from Belle:

 

“I was fascinated by the part of last week's discussion about our real roles and how they may be contradictory, how secret we keep them, who actually knows about our various roles, etc. I thought it could be a topic.

 

While I imagine that most people behave differently depending on the role they are in and the people they are with, I think maybe those of us in the DD community have more contradictory roles than the average couple: the differences when our spanked husbands are alpha in some situations and beta in others may be more pronounced, for instance.

 

Even for the disciplinary wife, there may be a more pronounced difference in our various roles. I think it was Liz who mentioned that she is basically a 50s wife who spanks, which definitely goes against that stereotype.

 

Just an idea, anyway. Maybe you have already discussed it.”

 

So, let’s run with that as this week’s topic.  I'll post more on it later after I finish up some other projects I need to get to this week.

 

******************

 

All, sorry for the continuing delay. Today was busier than anticipated, and tomorrow promises more of the same.  I'm also suffering from a lack of inspiration for topics.  So, there probably won't be a post this week.  Is it too early for Christmas and winter-themed art?  I hope not.

Have a good week.

 

The Club - Meeting 359 - Role Play

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The Club - Meeting 358 - Risky Business

 

The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate.   - Douglas Engelbart

 

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couples Club. Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline relationships.

 

 

I hope you all had a nice Halloween.  While we got a few trick-or-treaters, it was very few and overall it felt like the Halloween that wasn’t.  There also is not much Fall left to enjoy where we live.  It’s too bad.  I really do love this time of year.

 

   

Thanks for the participation last week on the subject of rules and who sets them.  It remains a timely topic in our household.  We weren’t together for part of this week, so there were limits on the momentum Anne could build when it comes to exercising more authority.  But, there was not a complete interruption in the dynamic either and there was one somewhat titillating incident.  As I said, we weren’t together for part of the week, and for once it was because Anne was traveling. She had promised me a spanking for some mid-week bad behavior, but time kind of got away from her the night she had promised to deliver.  The next morning, she was busy packing and getting ready to leave for her trip.  My mother-in-law was at our house that morning, and as my wife and she were getting ready to leave, Anne turned to me and said something like, “And, don’t you worry. I’ll be back on Sunday and we can deal with things then.”  It was a very cryptic comment, and I’m sure her mother had no idea what she was talking about.  But, to some extent the comment was SO cryptic and without context that it almost certainly would have raised the curiosity of anyone who overheard it. 

 

While the context was a little different, her comment and her increasing openness to at least make some risqué statements alluding to her role dovetailed with something else that has been on my mind a lot.  I’ve mentioned here a few times that I ride motorcycles.  A few months ago, I explored some of the less populated areas of the hills near us. I went up a road that adjoins several hiking trails through an area with a lot of open space.  It is a winding road, with lots of small pull-over areas big enough for only a single car to park.  The road winds back and forth, and as you get close to the end there is a pretty good visibility of the way you just came.  For no real reason, it occurred to me that it was kind of the perfect spot if Anne was ever inclined to embarrass me with a semi-public spanking.  It is an area that is pretty sparsely populated, but it is close to a fairly busy crossroad and people do use it to access hiking and other outdoor activities.  So, while the risk of exposure is manageable, it is not zero.  I’ve ridden up and down that road a few times since then, and its suitability for a risqué punishment session strikes me every time.

 

 

The possibility struck me again this week, because I’ve had a fair number of traffic offenses in the past, and there have been times that I’ve had too many drinks and gotten behind the wheel.  A spanking in a car, in a somewhat exposed place, for an automobile related offense would be an example of “let the punishment fit the crime.”

 

In a comment a week ago, Belle said: “It seems to me that you are craving others finding out that you wife spanks you, both in your dreams and your dreams. Since Anne has already mentioned it at a family party, I would suggest she do more of the same.”  Whether Anne’s comment in front of her mother resulted from taking Belle’s advice to heart, I’m not sure. In light of the extent to which I’ve been dwelling on the possibility of being spanked in a car where we might be discovered, and the dream I had about my mom spanking me in just that context, Belle could be right that part of me really wants others to know that Anne spanks me, though I what I seem to want is the risk of being caught or found out but without full openness.  That would kind of explain my fascination with being spanked in barns and woodsheds – places where a spanking might be overheard but it wouldn’t be certain to happen.

 

  

After a few weeks of fairly serious topics, I thought I would keep this one light this week.  For those of you aren’t “out” about your Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship, what is the furthest you’ve gone in letting others know or risking discovery?  Have the wives (or the husbands) alluded to spankings to friends, family members, co-workers, etc.  What is the most risqué place you have ever been spanked?  Is there any place that might risk exposure that you have an interest in being spanked or giving a spanking and that is at least a somewhat realistic option?  Or, is any risk of exposure just too much for you?

 

I hope you all have a great week.

The Club - Meeting 358 - Buy-In and Who Decides the Rules?

A person who is knowingly bent on bad behavior, gets upset when better behavior is expected of them. - Jane Austen

 

 

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline Relationships.  I hope you had a good week.

 

Mine was pretty uneventful, and surprisingly productive on a few fronts.  For once, I didn’t have any real behavioral problems. I completed some home projects I’ve been sitting on for a while and managed to get some outdoor Halloween decorations up.  I'm still loving this time of year!

 

 

Or, I was enjoying the season until the weather turned nasty. As often happens here, we seem to have gone abruptly and unceremoniously from fall to winter.  Not that there is anything wrong with winter.

 

 

Though, I’m not done thoroughly enjoying Halloween.

 

 

I also made a surprising amount of headway on the health and fitness front.  I've been trying hard to get rid of those persistent love handles. I also may have had an epiphany about why both my energy levels and, frankly, my libido have been down all year. I've been implementing some pretty significant dietary changes, and so far so good. I also have been getting back into the gym regularly for the first time since Covid hit, respecting social distancing, hand washing and mask guidelines.

 

While we didn't get a huge number of posts last week, I thought it was a very illuminating conversation.  There were several good contributions regarding how to humble a man with ego issues, such as myself. Though, did you notice how many of those contributions focused on the humbling power of witnesses?  It is interesting, to me at least, just how much we care about how others see us. 

Danielle’s contribution regarding “maternal” discipline and control definitely pushed some buttons for me. When I first discovered Domestic Discipline, it had this intoxicating mix of attraction and terror.  The level of control Danielle suggested gives me those same mixed feelings. Part of me is genuinely attracted to trying exactly what she suggests. 

 

However, it is really one of those “be careful what you ask for – you might get it” things, isn’t it.  That tension inherently raises the line between DD and FLR and what side of that line I want to be on. On the one hand, I really do find the level of maternal control she suggested very compelling and perversely attractive.  On the other hand, several months ago when she cracked down on some areas, I got resentful in a way that undermined some of her forward progress.  Yet, last week she was bossing me around pretty strongly on things like chores, and while I may have resented it in the moment, overall I got off on it. So, do I want to give up control to her or don’t I?

 

It’s a complicated question, and I think there are two interrelated factors that feed into how I react to her taking more control. The first revolves around the extent to which we are in alignment on whether certain behavior is a problem.  I think Alan summed it up really well a couple of weeks ago:

 

[W]e developed a list of behaviors that were problems for one or both of us. Very important at that point was that we both agreed that the behavior needed to change. In short, we both needed to buy into it as a goal whether it was relatively trivial or later when the behaviors were serious issues. That buy in by both of us was crucial.

 

Alan also advised starting with relatively minor issues.

 

Next, following Aunt Kay, we prioritized the list to 2 or 3 things to emphasize, picking middle range things rather than the most challenging behaviors, eventually working up to the most serious issues. We actually started with a cliché, leaving the commode seat up and one other. But even these “easy” ones established the habit of compliance and the reality of consequences.

 

To Alan’s last sentence I would add that focusing on “easy” things probably also helps her get habituated to exercising authority, precisely because it is authority that is likely to be obeyed. As she sees me comply with orders over and over again, she gets more comfortable giving them and I get more comfortable taking them.  Which is the goal, right?  So, I like Alan’s advice, and it illustrates the second factor that determines how I react to Anne taking control: If the behavior is something minor and easily fixed or adopted, while I may not like her order in the moment I am unlikely to balk at it and may even find it sexy after I have some time to let it sink in. But, if it is something bigger, like a hard-wired habit or something that I see as a core part of who I am, an exercise of control is more likely to be met with real resentment. 

 

Those two factors—the degree of mutual agreement and the seriousness of the behavior—are interrelated.  When she called out of the blue a week ago and gave me instructions on things she expected me to do around the house that day, it was minor stuff in the scheme of things even though one of the tasks (sweeping and cleaning our wood floors) took me almost an hour.  Even if I didn’t expressly agree in advance to her assigning chores like that, it didn’t spark resentment. Also, to the extent she was giving me orders for the express purpose of humbling me, there was a level of mutual agreement to that goal.

 

Conversely, I described the incident several months ago when she wanted me to come to bed when I was watching a movie and having a beer while doing so. That incident caused resentment, and my resentment undermined her authority for a while.  The reason I resented it was, while we both agree on the overall goal of keeping my tendence to binge under control, I felt like my behavior was within normal bounds. It was a Friday night. I was worn out from the stress of work and just wanted to veg out with a movie and a nightcap.  In other words, it was normal adult behavior, and I wasn’t hurt her, myself or anyone else. Looking back, the whole thing was a counter-example of Alan’s wise advice: (a) the behavior was not really minor and she was exercising some substantial control over my autonomy; and (b) there wasn’t real buy in that anything I was doing was a problem.

 

 

Whether your relationship is Domestic Discipline only or incorporates some degree of FLR, who makes the rules?  Guys, do you suggest to your wife the areas you want to improve in?  Ladies, to what degree do you decide which problems you want to address and how much authority do you have, or would you like to have, in determining conduct you want to address or habits you want to help him break or establish?  To what extent is mutual buy-in important?  And, what about the importance or impact of the behavior at issue?  In establishing your disciplinary habits, did you jump right to major issues or, as Alan advises, did you start with “easy” issues and work your way up from there? 

 

I hope you have a great week.  Be safe out there this week. 

The Club - Meeting 357 - Adventures in Humbling

“’Thank you,’ the old man said.  He was too simple to wonder when he had attained humility. But he knew he had attained it and he knew it was not disgraceful and it carried no loss of true pride.” – Ernest Hemingway, The Old Man and the Sea 

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship. 

 

   

I’m sorry for the sporadic posting lately. It’s really been a tough few weeks.  I feel like maybe we have turned the corner on some of the angst and drama, but every time I think this year couldn’t get any worse, somehow it manages to serve up yet another unpleasant surprise.

 

  

Over these last few weeks, we have been caught in a vicious circle.  I’ve been stressed to the gills thanks to things going on at work.  My wife has been beyond stressed because of a major family issue.  My stress led to misbehaving even more than usual, including one truly epic fail that left her very mad and me very disappointed in myself.  The tension in the relationship then adds to our stress. I did tell her that I knew how mad she was and that I had been trying to atone for it with better behavior and trying to take some household burdens off of her.  She gets all that, but she also insisted on delivering that special kind of “atonement” that those of us in Domestic Discipline marriages have consented to and asked for. 

   

In an interesting development—one that is germane to this week’s topic—something about this latest behavioral problem seemed finally to push her in a much more dominant direction.  She spanked me hard on Monday. On Tuesday, we talked about how much I seem to be needing much stricter “maternal” discipline. She agreed and voiced her intention to deliver it.  But, we have had MANY such discussions, and it just never seems to gel.  So, it was somewhat surprising when she called the next morning and gave me two chores that I was to complete that day. The next morning, she called again and again gave me a chore to complete.  She also lectured me about a series of failures to lock all the doors when I leave the house, and though she didn’t come right out and say it, the unmistakable message was that I could expect a spanking if I did it again.   

In the moment, being bossed around like a teenager by a strict mother is, in a word, humbling.  And irritating in just the way it would be to a teenage boy in a strict household.  As I have said here many times before, I am not a submissive. While deep down inside I probably crave boundaries, in the moment they are being imposed I chafe against them. I really do have a deep-seated aversion to authority.

Yet, I also genuinely believe that more humility and less ego would be a good thing for me.  I’m a fan of both Buddhist and stoic philosophy, and both emphasize not getting upset or stressed by the negative circumstances we all will inevitably encounter in life.  When I think about the stress and anger I’ve been feeling at work, a lot of it is caused not by the circumstances themselves but by me being very invested in certain outcomes and very devoted to getting my own way. Similarly, when my wife calls and gives me an order to do certain chores that day, or implicitly threatens punishment for violating a “rule” like locking all the doors at night or when I leave the house, it is a very humbling experience and emphasizes how much I am attached to my sense of autonomy and to getting my own way. Overcoming ego and pride was a major part of the self-improvement “cult” Nxivm that I have talked about here a few times and that is the subject of the cable series The Vow.

 

  

While it is very difficult in the moment, I do believe that being humbled by having to take direction from someone else would be a good thing in the long run. And, to the extent that she really starts cracking the whip—literally and figuratively—on things like diet, exercise, drinking too much, etc., it could result in reversing some of the troubling health and aging trends I’ve been contending with the last couple of years.  I also know that I get myself into trouble due to arrogance, temper, and lack of respect for authority.  Given the number of times those things have created problems for me, some "humbling" seems in order as a tool to help me exercise a little more self-control and get a handle on some negative emotional reactions.  Finally, while it's true that while I am not a natural submissive and definitely do not get off on being humiliated, there definitely is something very sexy about my wife exercising power and authority. 

 

I also think that while on the surface I am very averse to authority and very sensitive about being put in embarrassing situations, deep down inside part of me seems to crave forced humility.  I don’t think it is a coincidence that on those few occasions when I have dreamed about being spanked the dream scenario has involved inherently embarrassing and humbling situations like being taken out of a work event to be spanked by a manager. Then there was the dream about riding in a car with my mother who pulled over to the side of the road to give me a well-earned spanking. I’ve also talked about the time I made some smart-ass remark at a family Christmas brunch after my wife asked me to perform some task, and she quipped that I could do it or she could spank me.  I'm not sure anyone overheard, but I'm also not sure they didn't. The fact that I still think about it two years later says a lot about the power of being embarrassed by being publicly "outed" to family and friends. 

Others knowing about a spanking definitely does something for me, and it has something to do with the fact that it is inherently embarrassing and humbling.  While I've never thought I was into humiliation, beyond the practical benefits of humbling, I can't deny that there seems to be a pattern of fictional humiliation scenes getting my attention or having free rein in my dreams, including particularly M/m spanking scenarios, being spanked in public, and others being told about our DD relationship. 

   

 

Then there is my fascination with crying, which drove a huge amount of my initial obsession after discovering DD.  I have always thought my crying fetish is very much about the embarrassment and vulnerability associated with being spanked to real tears.  And, I absolutely believe that one of the primary reasons I have not let go and sobbed during a spanking is, in fact, because the embarrassment of doing that holds me back every time I get close.

 

Our weekly topics here almost always involve me asking a series of questions about our readers’ personal experiences with or feelings about each particular topic.  I want to change this up a little this time.  While humbling may or may not be part of your DD or FLR dynamic, Anne and I are determined to keep giving it a try.  Doling out chores is part of it.  Ramping up spanking is part of it.  But, we have not gone much beyond those.  I can come up with other ways for her to exercise her authority in ways that empower her and disempower/humble me.  But, have you ever noticed how sometimes you can give your spouse advice about something and they will blow it off, then they’ll hear the exact same thing from a friend or co-worker and suddenly it becomes just the right thing to do?  Maybe the same dynamic is at play when I suggest to Anne ways she might go about humbling me.  Perhaps it would be more powerful if she hears it from YOU.  Also, I don’t claim to be all that creative. Some of you may come up with things I would never think of on my own.

 

So, if humbling is a part of your dynamic, tell us what you’ve tried and what has worked for you.  Even if it is not part of your dynamic and you don’t want it to be, give us some ideas of what might work if you did want this as part of your dynamic.  Guys, what could your wife impose on you that your ego would really struggle to accept?  What could she make you do, or ban you from doing, that would really humble you or enforce her authority?  Ladies, if you wanted to humble your husband and sand off some of that ego, what specifically do you think would help accomplish that? 

 

   

I hope you all have fun with this.  I can’t make any promises about whether Anne will try out any specific suggestion. But, she does read the blog fairly regularly, and something you say might resonate.  In the meantime, enjoy the season.  And, be willing to take the consequences if you enjoy it a little TOO much.

 

   

Have a great week.