What Gets You Spanked? Rules vs. Standards vs. "Any Reason" (Club Meeting 558)

“The Code is more what you'd call 'guidelines' than actual rules.” – Captain Barbossa in Pirates of the Caribbean

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Wives Club – Tribute blog.  Our weekly on-line gathering of women and men who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship of the type advocated by the former Disciplinary Wives Club (archived copy in the “Links I Like” list below right).

 

I hope you all had a great week.  Mine was good, all things considered.  Inching forward, one step at a time, toward some independence.  One thing being this immobile for this long has taught me is there really is such a thing as having too much time on one’s hands. I had a dream last night about being recruited to go back to my career, and I suspect that had something to do with feeling more than a little stir crazy.

 

 

I thought we had a good discussion last week about “warnings”.  Sometimes a topic that I think will be pretty narrow or uninteresting brings out some good observations.  In this case, the post was mostly about my own somewhat recent experience with warnings and how I was warming up to them, but people came up with some good things about them that I hadn’t thought of.

 

There was quite a bit of convergence around one point: If the couple feels there are already clear rules, then there may be little room for warnings in their dynamic.  Several of you expressed some spin on that point:

 

“I can understand that warnings might be reasonable at the start if a DD relationship, but once it gets more mature, it would seem to me to be superfluous. We know the rules by now and a warning just feels like procrastination.” – TG

 

“I don't get warnings. I had an extensive 'training period' and supposedly know how things are to be done and how to behave.” – Spanked Cowboy

 

“I don't get warnings. The "rules" are quite clear.” – Tom

 

Hillbilly expanded a bit, giving one reason why rules that are always enforced can be a good thing for the wife:

 

“On today’s topics, warnings for attitude, etc. happen sometimes. But most often around here, the rules are my warning. When I break one, the first time or the fifteenth, I can expect a spanking. That frees up her mind from deciding how much to tolerate. I don’t have to wonder, if it’s in the rules, it will get me a paddling. End of story.”

 

That’s a good point, and I think it relates to some of the discussions we’ve had recently about “fairness”, as the one of the things wives are often pondering when “deciding how much to tolerate” are fairness questions such was whether this one offense crosses a line or is a wobbler, whether he’s been warned about it often enough, etc.  In fact, it's always seemed to me that rigorous consistency should be easier for the spanker, because it would involve less of the decision fatigue that comes from too many judgment calls.

 

When we first started DD, I recognized that fairness considerations might lead to indecision, so I came up with a system that involved agreed-upon offenses and a minimum number of swats for each offense.  It removed a lot of the angst around spanking decisions for her, because our agreement was right there in black and white, as was each week’s tally of swats. She wasn’t wholly locked in, as she could always agree to give more swats.  As she gained confidence, most of that structure fell by the wayside for us.

 

MW noted that warnings also can help foster confidence, especially around getting used to communicating about authority:

 

“Warnings would also help her get used to the language of spanking and let me practice responding to her authority.” - MW

 

I see that as a major benefit of Anne’s increasing use of warnings and the way her specific verbiage has changed.  In the past, her warnings might consist of a pantomime, such as swinging her hand in a spanking motion.  Or, she might use a euphemism for spanking, like, “Do you need a session?” 

 

Contrast that with her warning from a few weeks ago: “If you do that again, you’re going to get spanked.  This is your only warning.  Next time, it’s a spanking.  Got it?”

Euphemisms and gestures land very differently from a direct, declarative statement that uses the word spanking or a direct equivalent.  In fact, some declarations might be even more powerful, if they were designed to amplify the consequences, such as, “If you do that again, I am going to blister your butt.” Or, “If you do that again, you won’t be able to sit down for a week after I’m done with you.”

 

In any event, Anne’s more frequent and more explicit warnings indicate she’s mastering the “language of spanking” was MW put it.

 

As I said, there was some consensus in the comments to the effect that because the rules were clear, warnings didn’t serve any purpose.  That suggested a topic for this week, namely, to what extent do you have rules that are, in fact, clear?

 

And, if you do have clear rules, are all your rules clear and concrete, i.e. none are so vague or subjective that she does, in fact, sometimes have to make a decision around whether a stated rule has been broken?

 

Further, if you do have rules, do they cover all spankable offenses, or can she determine on the fly that you should be spanked for something that has not been covered with an express rule?

 

Norton’s comment seemed to suggest there may, in fact, be two sets of circumstances under which he could be spanked:  First, when an agreed upon rule has been broken.  Second, if he displays some behavior that she doesn’t like or disapproves of but isn’t covered by a rule, in which case a warning might be more appropriate:

 

“We have been practicing DD long enough that both of us understand immediately when a rule is broken, so a warning seems unnecessary in those cases. A warning is more appropriate if I display any behavior she doesn't like or approve of.” – Norton

 

Without really laying it out explicitly, I think that’s the way it’s always been for us.  There have always been some small number of express rules, but there also have been things that are more like “guidelines”, e.g., the Captain Barbossa quote above, that are real but more vague or subject to discretion. 

 

And, there is a third mostly unnamed category that is inherent in my agreeing that she has “for any reason” spanking authority. 

 

It seems like as time has gone by, more and more of the things that might get me spanked fit into those last two categories, as opposed to concrete, “yes or no” rules.  It’s true even of things we began with that are still considered potential problem areas, like drinking too much.  When we first started, we defined expressly what “excessive” meant and even assigned a minimum number of swats for each drink over the allowed amount.  Today, it’s more of an “I know it when I see it” standard and usually coupled to something else that’s conduct based, like getting mouthy or staying up way too late.

 

That may sound "loose" to those of you who say you have very clear rules.  Yet, I don't really feel that way.  With disrespect, I feel like she sets the bar too low and lets me get away with too much, and I've told her that.  Being spanked more for carelessness is something I requested.

 

I've also yet to experience what seems to be a somewhat common experience in which, once the behavior improves, she simply escalates and sets more, or more exacting, rules.  Our old commenter KOJ discussed the phenomenon:

 

"We definitely had a set of rules, all of which she established and enforced with spanking. But she also was very much into spanking for "disrespect" and ungentlemanly conduct," and that could take almost any form. Occasionally I would be surprised by her reasoning, but usually she was spot on.

 

Did spankings decline as she "trained" me? Yes, but not as much as one might imagine because she kept setting the bar for my behavior higher and higher. Plus, she both needed to and enjoyed asserting her female authority, and nothing did so as directly and dramatically as ordering me to take down my pants.

 

There were times when I noticed her getting antsy and I knew she would soon be finding a (good enough) reason to put me over her knee. Sort of a gender reversal from the more typical situation of the disciplined husband needing a reset. It was her demonstrating that "I'm in charge here, and don't you forget it!"

  

 

There also are times where she's expressed frustration about something but there's never been an express declaration of intent to spank for it, then at some point she's had enough.  It's kind of a gray are, because there wasn't a rule per se, and there wasn't a "if you do it again, you'll be spanked" explicit warning but, on the other hand, her annoyance has been made clear, often more than once.  

 

 

Further, it seems like more and more things fall into looser buckets, like not being “careless” in a way that causes loss of money or time.  There also are things like “disrespect”, where we both probably know what it is, but we seem to set different bars for it, with her being more tolerant than I would be if our positions were flipped.

 

How about you?  Is your dynamic very rules-based, or is it looser standards? Does she confine spankings to agreed-upon rule breaking, or does she have more discretion than that?  Can she simply add a rule at will? If so, is there always a warning before breaking that new rule results in a spanking?

 

Are there only a few rules?

 

Or many?  Have there ever been too many?   

 

Finally, when we’ve had these discussions about rules in the past, there hasn’t been much discussion of what your specific rules are.  If you’re willing, please give us whatever part of your lists your comfortable with.

 

I hope you have a great week.