Hi all. Sorry to do this two weeks in a row, but I'm still feeling pretty lousy and don't seem to have the available IQ points to put together a coherent topic. But, I don't want to shut down the discussion entirely for another week.
In the early days of the blog, sometimes in lieu of an actual topic, I'd throw things open to a Q&A session. In fact, my first blog post was an invitation to ask me anything. (It got a whopping two questions.) Given that I'm feeling sick and lazy this week, let's give that another try.
"Ask me anything" probably is a tad misleading, because while you can ask me anything, that doesn't mean I'm going to answer literally anything. But, I'll do my best within reason.
And feel free to direct questions to each other, too. Maybe we'll even manage to generate some ideas for future topics.
Have a great week.
1. How long in minutes do your spankings typically last? The length probably varies, and if so, what’s the approximate range of time?
ReplyDelete2. How many whacks do you get? Are they full force, half force, something less?
3. I’d guess that at least sometimes you are not really in the mood to get spanked. If so, what percentage of the time would that be? One out of every 10, one out of every 5, something else?
I've never used an actual timer, but a good estimate is probably around 5 to 6 minutes.
DeleteI've also very rarely succeeded in counting the number of whacks. I've tried, but somehow I always stop before the end. It varies a lot, but 200 is probably about average, with some going up to around 300. Anne is VERY binary in her approach. Almost all are full force, from beginning to end.
"In the mood" is kind of a difficult concept. Even during periods when I'm very into the DD aspects of our relationship, I'm never really "in the mood" for one when it is about to happen, at least not if "in the mood" equates to actually wanting one. But, in terms of "really" not being in the mood, like being unusually emotionally resistant or uncooperative, it actually doesn't happen often at all. When it has, it's tended to be when a long time has lapsed between the offense and the punishment, such that I'm just no longer feeling guilt or the need to be held accountable.
Thank you, Dan.
DeleteDan,
ReplyDeleteHope you are feeling better. I just got over a serious virus, that put me on the shelf for around three days. Blogger finally let me back into the site. We will see if it holds up. Our DD has stayed on course so far through this new year. I did experience a punishment like yours about a month ago. I told my wife I’d be home by a certain time. I was going out with the guys and of course we got carried away. I had one too many cocktails. This isn’t so much the issue, but the fact I didn’t call. When I arrived home she was asleep. I thought I dodged the issue. The next morning she was pissed. She stated, when I get home this afternoon, your getting such a thrashing, sitting at work will be extremely uncomfortable for you. True to her word, she arrived home and escorted me upstairs. The punishment went on for quite sometime. She ignored my verbal pleading and continued to thrash my backside. I was sweating and almost to the point of tears. I admit the next two days, it was extremely uncomfortable to sit at work. She really taught me a lesson. So I can sympathize with “you won’t sit for a week”. Anyway hope all is well with you and Anne.
T
Glad to see you are able to post again! Hopefully they won't do something else to screw up access.
DeleteCovid seems to be becoming an annual ordeal for me. I think I have some "long Covid" symptoms going on. I'm well past the acute symptoms, but I just feel like crap and am totally exhausted, even after sleeping 9 hours last night.
I've definitely experienced that "one too many" and coming home late thing.
After working a lot, my body seems to get run down and eventually I get sick. This tends to happen once a year, when I feel horrible for a week. Other than that, I’m generally in good health. Thank God we have only had COVID once.
DeleteT
If possible, I'd like to ask Anne a few questions. Does she have a favorite position? A favorite implement? Does she vary the intensity or duration to fit the infraction? Does she enjoy spanking you?
ReplyDeleteThis is for anyone…but what are the rules that you must follow. Are there some that absolutes in that when broken a spanking is earned? And are there others, that are noticed, but perhaps are only dealt with at a check-in/review?
ReplyDelete-3pops
Since this is for everyone, I thought I would answer. My wife and I have only done this for about a year. She is not in any way a disciplinarian, in fact, for most of our marriage, I have been the unequivocal leader, and she is largely submissive, while we are both very independent. I asked her to discipline and correct for my speech, attitude, and behavior. This is purposely ambiguous and I default to her interpretation with no questions asked. I asked for maintenance on the first day of the week, to remind me of her new authority, because our old pattern is quite ingrained. This also keeps the practice alive, with no dead spots. She can correct me at will, which she is cautious with as she is not a disciplinarian. She also can spank me 'preemptively' anytime her intuition tells her that my behavior is likely to deviate from what she wants. As a result, I get weekly spankings, plus a corrective or preemptive spanking 2-4 times per month. She uses a paddle and I get between 120-160 whacks, while lying prone. These are moderate strength at most, but she is slowly escalating the intensity over time. She also has authority to ground me, which means she can take my clothes away for a period of time at her discretion. This can be corrective in addition to a spanking, but she also can use this if we are having a spirited discussion, or she anticipates one, to level the playing field, and I have instant status demotion and ego softening, which is somewhat equalizing. I have submitted to her authority on this for whenever she may feel intimidated. E
DeleteOurs tend to be more like broad guidelines than formal rules. There are a few specific things that are more like annoyances that are highly likely to get me spanked, including (a) not locking the door to the house when I leave; (b) failing to close the garage door when I leave or come home; and (c) not pushing my chair in when I leave the table (that one seems silly to me, but it is what it is). Drinking to excess and/or having too many drinks and staying up too late after coming home from a social event are our longest standing prohibition. Substantial acts of carelessness are something I've asked her to correct. For a while we were having check-ins that addressed more general things like procrastinating and not being productive, e.g. leaving necessary things on the to-do list undone for too long, though that seems to have fizzled out.
DeleteE., grounding in the form of having your clothes taken away is an interesting one. I can see how it would be very effective at leveling the playing field.
DeleteWe had about a dozen "thou shalt not" rules in the very beginning but most of those were about behaviors no longer or rarely a continuing problem. Now she has "expectations" and she makes sure I know what they are. We have had an anytime for any reason policy for a long time now , mainly to eliminate any confusion about who is in charge and the scope of her disciplinary authority. Too many rules just become straitjackets, so our one real rule now is that she does not need to justify a disciplinary decision ( although she usually chooses to do so, often in detail)
DeleteAlan
(Al here). A couple of interesting points in this thread.
DeleteE wrote: [Maintenance Spankings] "This also keeps the practice alive, with no dead spots."
Well stated. Maintenance spankings have been part of our DWC marriage for the last two decades - and the rationale is much as you stated. (And I have made quite similar statements here and elsewhere over the years). Maintenance spankings are certainly not for all couples - but they do keep the spanking habit alive in the DWC home. I've heard many stories on the various forums over the years of how the habit simply died out because after awhile with no spankings, it simply became too awkward for either to bring it back up.
E also wrote: "She can correct me at will,"
I would wager that this is true for most of us. :) A virtual tenet of the DWC lifestyle.
and Alan wrote: "so our one real rule now is that she does not need to justify a disciplinary decision"
Also very well stated - and another tenet of the DWC lifestyle. Perhaps a corollary of E's statement. Both are certainly true in our marriage. --al
This is a good question, and I hope others answer it also. She has slowly come up with quite a long list of spankable offenses. Here are most of them
ReplyDelete1) leaving the toilet seat up
2) not pushing in my dining room chair
3) using cell during dinner or when we are involved doing something
4) not calling if I am going to be late
5) leaving stove on
6) putting dishes away dirty or wet
7) making us late so we have to rush
8) drinking to excess
9) driving in any way that makes her nervous
10) arguing with her (she can always stop an argument by asking "are you arguing with me?")
She will probably add other offenses to the list as time goes by, which is actually fine with me, because it means that she will be more likely to be spank for something she cares about, even if I think its trivial. Her reminding me of her authority is fundamental to our DD, and it helps keep spanking an ongoing part of our relationship.
Except for #1 and #2, my wife has the same expectations. But only # 8.9 and 10 would put me in danger of a spanking, and only # 10, if I ignored the warning, would a spanking be imminent
DeleteAlan
Alan, 8,9, and 10 will definitely result in an immediate hard paddling. The others are not as important to her, but they will likely result in spanking eventually. Leaving my chair out or the toilet seat up are very easy to do, so those are the offenses I comit most often. Another important one which isn't on the list is if I loose something and get really annoyed with myself in a manner that is upsetting to her, it will result in a spanking which is guaranteed to change my mood. When that has happened, it feels very maternal, as the dynamic mirrors a mother / child relationship. Fortunately, that doesn't happen often anymore. It's nice to know she will be there for me if she feels it is called for.
DeleteThe comment above was mine.
Delete1and 2 seem very minor to be on the list but I suppose a spanking would cure me of those as they are just forgetfulness really.
DeleteI got spanked twice this week for being short tempered. JR
DeleteHow does Anne end a spanking , with a final flurry or hard swat? A pat on your butt? Tell you to get up or just stand-up and push you off her lap?
ReplyDeleteIs anything said by either of you?
Do you rub or hop around of just try to grin and take it?
Does Anne usually leave right away and let you dress or stay and perhaps offer a hug or embrace if forgiveness?
Any post spanking discussion immediately or later?
What is her and yours expression and demeanour afterwards.
Does she inspect your butt for marking later or the next day.
Any teasing from her if you wince when you sit?
Any intimacy after?
A
It sometimes ends with a flurry, but more often there is a pause, then she simply tells me to get up. I get the sense that during the pause she is inspecting the damage and deciding whether I've had enough. No rubbing or hopping around. She usually leaves the room almost immediately after, and I get dressed. No hugging or aftercare and, honestly, I like it that way. I have kind of an aversion to the whole aftercare thing. Although it doesn't always happen, sex after a spanking is fairly frequent. It is very common for us to discuss the spanking and DD aspects of the relationship after the spanking and before sex. She will sometimes ask to see my butt the next day, though it's usually a disappointing experience for her, as I just don't mark very much after even very hard spankings. I did for the first few years, but it has tapered off a lot, to the point that I typically have some gray-ish discoloration, but very little in the way of visible bruising.
DeleteGlenmore,
DeleteIf you open that up to everyone, there might be even more comments.
Interesting that it differs a lot from us.
DeleteShe will usually end with a flurry or a couple of hard one which will get my attention.
Then a few pats on my butt signals it is over and I can get up.
I usually do a bit of rubbing and she will tell me something like 'it's your own fault.'.
She stays in position until I give her a hug and apologize.
We are both a bit turned on so some intimacy or sex follows, and she does enjoy mentioning the spanking for a while afterwards , especially if she notices redness or marks,
Sounds like yours is a lot more 'businesslike' for both of you than ours is.
@anonymous.. At the start of our FLR it was determined that spanking would be the only form of punishment. Also, her decision would be the only factor if a spanking was earned. We never do a check-in/review and we strive to deliver punishment at the time of the incident, if at all possible. In summary, every broken rule or infraction earns a spanking IF she thinks so.
ReplyDeleteOur DD consist of very few rules. I get thrashed for a few things. My attitude is number one. If I talk back to my wife is number two. She despises when I raise my voice (#3). Her ex was notorious for that. I’ve asked her to punish me severely when I do this. I feel it’s been my heel throughout our relationship. Her follow through has changed this. When we would argue, I would get loud and animated. My attitude has changed for the better. I am much calmer now. DD has helped with this tremendously. My bottom has paid the price for this. I’m usually ordered upstairs and told to lay prone on the bed. She raises my bare bottom with a pillow. She stays clothed. She then lays the strap or paddle on with vigor. It’s probably around 300 strokes. She usually says, “do you think you’ve had enough”. My response is always yes Mam, she will then finish with a vicious volley. She will then leave the room or we might become intimate. If we do it’s usually with her hand only. I strangely enjoy this. I feel like it’s almost as if she is disconnected to it. She has admitted recently, she enjoys seeing me writhe in pain. She has recently started to get turned on by it.Earlier on she was reluctant and more business like. I actually prefer no intimacy at all after punishment, but it doesn’t seem to work that way. I’ve enjoyed keeping our love making completely separate, but I understand the deep level of intimacy surrounding our DD. My wife’s scolding has become very good and she is great at dressing me down. I’ve always been drawn to the maternal side of DD due to my upbringing.
ReplyDeleteT
"She has admitted recently, she enjoys seeing me writhe in pain. She has recently started to get turned on by it."
DeleteAnne used to say that she would get turned on by the pre-spanking ritual, particularly watching me comply and get ready after she ordered one, and watching me go over her knee. But, I strongly suspect that has changed over the last couple of years and that she now gets turned on by the spanking itself.
Care to speculate why Anne seems to enjoy the actual act of spanking Dan? Power exchange , reddening cheeks, your reactions , intimacy of otk?
DeleteAs I’ve written before on this website, my wife spanked me for decades before she finally decided around 2014 that she wouldn’t do it any more. However, when she was still spanking me, I once asked her what implement she liked the most. Her answer: the cane. I asked why. Her answer: “Because it hurts you so much.” How we ever got from that to “never again, under any circumstances” is one of the great mysteries of my life. I have to say, I envy you guys who have wives who will spank them.
DeleteThat really does seem odd that she had such a complete reversal
DeleteCal - I recall you writing about this before. But refresh my memory - did she not offer you any explanation as why she suddenly refused to spanked you again? -al
DeleteCal, I gotta say that would probably be a non negotiable for me. I would be extremely upset if my wife decided to just stop punishing me. Obviously, we are all in a consensual agreement. My wife could decide one day not to practice DD, but given how much it benefits our marriage, why would she. She has stated it’s an equalizer. Did your wife not see the benefits to the relationship anymore? Example, I was out with a group of couples and made an innuendo towards my wife. It was in jest, but she stated it hurt her. She gave me a look. She discussed it with her sister, who stated she over reacted to my statement. I apologized to her and said if she felt that way, I needed to be punished. If she felt hurt then, I needed to be dealt with. She obliged and gave me a long whipping. At one point, the strap caught the wrong area. She didn’t apologize and told me to stay still and it wouldn’t happen. She continued her punishment until I was limp. Afterwards , I thanked her and apologized. She scolded me throughout the punishment about my innuendo towards her and made me promise to never repeat it again. A lesson learned.
DeleteT
I guess I’m very drawn to the whole range of ‘activities’, patterns & rituals that go around domestic discipline. My wife only rarely uses direct words like ‘spank’ or ‘punish’ seeming to prefer euphemisms like ‘reset’ and similar.
ReplyDeleteI however get a buzz and an immediate behaviour change from a direct & explicit warning or reference to spanking. I know that she would have an easier time ‘managing’ me if she employed warnings & direct, explicit references to DD more often. When she does I seem to snap to attention…
Likewise, our ritual which usually means spankings occur in the morning, providing a clear signposted route to what is about to happen. There is an inevitable sense of increasing submission as it becomes very clear to me that a spanking is about to happen. The ritual & growing scolding leading to the order to get in position, the very usual question ‘are you clear why this is happening’, the minor delays as she prepares herself and then the breathtaking sting of the first few strokes of the strap. All of these and other aspects make spanking an intensely ‘ now’ experience, unlike almost anything else. There will almost always be a ‘how do you feel?’ Inquisition after and sometimes intimacy. She will often refers to my discomfort for the next couple of days in a teasing way and will inspect for any bruising.
For me, DD is akin to a menu where the actual spanking is the ‘main course’. And I am continually reminding my wife of the power, effectiveness and yes, pleasure of the other courses! I’m very interested if other feel similar/ have interesting rituals? TB
Over the last few years, Anne has gotten much more into threatening a spanking, or making clear one will happen if I don't adjust my behavior, using that word. And, like you, it instantly gets my attention.
DeleteThe reluctance to use spanking in a threat, replacing it with 'reset', 'attitude adjustment', or my wife's preferred 'discussion' fascinates me.
DeleteMy wife has gotten really good at the threat. She likes using the word thrashing. Do I have to thrash that bottom of yours? Or when she is mad, I will beat you black and blue. I immediately snap to attention. Last spring, she told me to go cut a switch and used it on me. It’s the first time I experienced it and don’t think I want to again. Her level of authority over me is a complete turn on. Even when I do not agree with her, I look back and appreciate her putting me in my place.
DeleteT
The "go cut a switch" thing is so iconic, but not something I've experienced (yet)
DeleteMy question is slightly theoretical and to all. Imagine a situation where we all behaved perfectly and actually gave no reason for our better half's to chastise us. Would you accept an ongoing maintenance cycle if they insisted on starting or continuing one? I know Dan you are not a fan of them but in the circumstances I set out, maybe? I'll pitch straight in with a definite yes I would. Cheers GLM.
ReplyDeleteIt wouldn't work for me, not because I'm against maintenance but, rather, because for me without the accountability component, spanking just doesn't do anything for me. I hesitate to use the word fetish at all to describe my interest in this lifestyle but, to the extent I have any fetish, it is an accountability fetish. I do think I have a desire to under someone else's authority, which might suggest that my wife insisting on maintenance could do something for me, but I still think that it wouldn't work for me unless that assertion of power on her part it tightly connected to something I did that she wanted to correct or punish.
DeleteFor me, it isn't so much the punishment aspect that is exciting. More important to me is the absolute necessity of my submission to her authority. It wouldn't matter if she wanted to give me a preventative spanking, a punishment spanking or just typical maintenance. She doesn't currently do a formal maintenance spanking, but she will seldom let 2 weeks go by without spanking. For that I am grateful, as I do get anxious, and she knows a good spanking will calm me down.
DeleteI'm with Dan on this one...there has to be a real reason for a spanking and I believe my wife feels that way also.
DeleteIf the wife believes in maintenance for no reason her husband would have to agree to it?
We tried maintenance spankings. Without a valid reason it was just a beating. JR
DeleteJr ,
DeleteI ageee with you. I feel the same. Although, if I go longer than a month without a serious spanking, I get extremely moody. Fortunately for us, I’m a man and screw up once a month at least.
T
Given that my wife won’t spank me at all (see my reply above), I would love it if she proposed regular maintenance spankings and would gladly accept them. But I agree that it would be even better if she decided to spank me also when she was unhappy with something I did. But that’s a double fantasy: not only does she absolutely refuse to spank me, she also is rarely unhappy with anything I do (except snoring).
DeleteJR wrote: " We tried maintenance spankings. Without a valid reason it was just a beating"
DeleteAs I wrote on an comment further up the thread, maintenance spankings are certainly not for everyone - but for some couples it helps maintain the spanking habit in the DWC home.
A different perspective. The "reason" for a maintenance spankings is (besides maintaining the spanking habit) is to keep the husband "disciplined" - to maintain a certain state of mind that leads to a greater sense of responsibility and improved behavior.
As opposed to punishment - where the husband is spanked for a specific offense. I recall reading an extensive essay on the complimentary nature of disciplinary and punishment spankings some years ago - but don't recall where now. I should have saved a copy. But again - different strokes for different folks. --al
Without extending this too much maybe my original question tweaked might bring us all together? If in order to behave impeccably you were subject to a maintenance/no specfic reason cycle of spankings would that be reasonable? The cycle could be weekly/fortnightly/monthly etc but the important consideration is the inner knowledge that without it the behaviour will definitely slip. In essence it's a form of preventative chastisement but with no resentment because of what is avoided. Again I'd be in. Cheers GLM.
DeleteAl (and others who are fans of maintenance spankings) to be clear, I do see a possible role for maintenance, along the lines of role reinforcement and maintaining the dynamic. But, I read Mickey's original question a little differently. Maintenance seems to me to be for the purpose of keeping the DD dynamic going, but what Mickey's scenario seemed to propose was something where the disciplinary component was basically gone entirely, as his scenario proposed that the husband was perfectly well-behaved. To me, that means the accountability aspect would be gone from the dynamic, as there would be nothing to be accountable for and, hence, no disciplinary aspect to maintain or reinforce. I don't doubt that for some the disciplinary aspect is basically a veneer or scene that gets imposed on what is basically just a desire to get spanked a lot. For me, however, the discipline/accountability component is key. I can see maintenance having a role in fostering that dynamic, but if the disciplinary reason wasn't there at all, then it would do zip for me.
DeleteGreg
ReplyDeleteFor us, a “for no reason” spanking has a real use.
I had recently realized that I had spent a good part of our marriage literally being a very overbearing, controlling, and inconsiderate husband. I know now that she saw me as a bully. I have changed my approach - considering her as Head of the Household and having the last say in all decisions. I proposed Domestic Discipline as a major part of reshaping our relationship. Although my wife was originally a very reluctant spanker, she has embraced a weekly maintenance schedule and is happy about some significant behaviour changes as a result.
It’s also clear that many of her negative feelings from the past still come out from time to time. I’ve encouraged her to deal with them instead of bottling them up. If she recalls an incident that upsets her now, she is completely entitled to spank as hard and long as she sees fit. If she at all sees me as scary (for instance if I raise my voice) she has the ability to “be the scarier one”, as she is the one with the paddle.
She has started to practice this new role with several spontaneous spankings outside the weekly maintenance.
I also have a "no reason spanking" but that is really a misnomer. I am spanked regarding my attitude, which is subject to her interpretation, which I trust. My attitude may reflect a need for a reminder that she has authority. I may get spanked for what feels like no reason, but the reason is that she thinks I need to be reminded that she has authority. E
DeleteReminding you of her authority is an excellent reason for a spanking, all by itself. As was mentioned earlier, maintenance spanking also prevents feelings of akwardness after a break, which is inevitable from time to time. Though we don't have a formal weekly maintenance spanking planned anymore, she knows me well enough to not let more than 2 weeks go by before she decides it's time for another spanking, even if I haven't broken any rules. We both are clear that her having the authority to spank me at her discretion helps balance the relationship and increases our intimacy. My responsibility is to inform her whenever I break a rule, or behave in a manner I know she would not approve of. Her responsibility is to not let things slide, and to err on the side of strictness. She used to use a euphemism when letting me know I had earned a spanking, but now, she consistently uses the word "spanking", which I appreciate.
DeleteInteresting, one of the things I think i need the most is a reason. She has given me what I would call preventative spankings. Knowing that there are certain activities that can trigger behavioral issues if she senses an attitude before hand she will spank me or try to curb my ego by putting my bare butt in the corner. However, the issue for me is that she rarely scolds me for the problem. Sometimes. I ask what am I being punished for and she says you know why and that's it. To be honest it makes me upset and frustrated even more, especially if she sends me to the corner without an explanation. Then I usually get paddled for acting out in the corner. Then there are times that I know what I did and she makes it perfectly clear what I have coming and why. I remember one time I kind of threw a temper tantrum in the grocery store in front of other shoppers. She lowered her voice as to wisper but im sure the lady standing closest heard me being told off for embarrassing her and that I had a spanking coming when we got home. The spanking didn't occur until bed time with corner time before and after. She didn't have to lecture me while I was being punished but she was very clear when she was swing the paddle and turning my butt purple exactly why. That's what I need every time I act out or even disobey her
ReplyDeleteIf the “ask me anything” is still in effect, I would love to hear from Dan how he first broached the topic of being spanked with Anne, and her reaction to it, and how things progressed from there.
DeleteI've done some very long posts describing my "origin story" in detail. Like this one:https://disciplinedhubbies.blogspot.com/2024/09/the-club-meeting-490-origin-stories.html
DeleteBut, here's a simplified version: We had been married for about a decade. Our marriage was good, but the relationship was always kind of unbalanced. I had a big, brash personality. Anne wasn't exactly a wall flower, but she lacked confidence. I also was in a very intense career, with tons of pressure, and a lot of client and team socializing, i.e. lots of dinners, happy hours, etc. And, lots of business travel. I was temperamentally prone to excess, and the career dynamic exacerbated those tendencies.
At some point, I literally stumbled on adult spanking. I was a fan of an HBO series called "Real Sex". They had a segment on adult spanking. It was erotic only - no DD component. I found it arousing, though within what I would think of as normal limits. I showed it to Anne, and it we experimented for a short period with F/m erotic spanking scenarios, including playacting being "punished" for various behavior problems. But, it was all "funishment"; fairly light spankings with a flimsy leather paddle I got an an adult novelty store. Anne got frustrated with it all. She felt (rightly) that I was receiving fake spankings for real behavior problems, which only served to reinforce those problems. So, we stopped entirely.
I don't recall all the details, but I must have stayed interested enough in spanking to look for that content on the internet. But, it was really not a big deal to me. At some point, a search for F/m spanking content resulted in finding the Disciplinary Wives Club. It bowled me over in a way that was far, far stronger than the Real Sex segment or any other spanking content I'd found. It was near obsessive. Over the course of two or three days, I devoured all the stories on the DWC website. It progressed a little like the "Even More" story. I was so obsessed with the whole thing, I felt like I had no choice but to bring it to Anne, even though I not only had no reason to think she would be into it, but thought she was likely to reject it because of our previous failed "funishment" spankings.
I finally got up the nerve to tell her about it. I emphasized that unlike our prior experience, these were REAL spankings that, according to the stories on the website, often resulted in real tears. I emphasized the empowerment that it brought to the wives. She asked me whether I was suggesting we actually try this and, like the protagonist in the "Even More" story, I told her that I felt like it was something I wanted to experience. Without committing to it, she said to send her a link to the DWC website and she'd take a look.
She called me at the office the next afternoon and said she had reviewed the website. I asked what she thought, and she sad one word: "Interesting". I asked what that meant, and she said it meant I should shop for a heavy brush on my way home from work.
That's how it got started. Our first efforts were kind of letdown, largely because the first brush I found wasn't nearly heavy enough, despite my good faith efforts. We also had a very hard time with the OTK position at first. We quickly added a real paddle and switched to her paddling me standing up. Within a few weeks, we'd added a heavy leather strap. From there, it's been 20+ years of incremental change and experimentation.
"One of the things I think I need the most is a reason ( for being spanked). She has given me what I would call preventative spankings. Knowing that certain activities can trigger behavioral issues if she senses an attitude beforehand, she will spank me or try to curb my ego by putting my bare butt in the corner. However, the issue for me is that she rarely scolds me for the problem."
DeleteI get your frustration. My wife rarely does this. But my former girlfriend did tell me things like " I can hear it in your voice" or "you are getting close." It did seem arbitrary sometimes, and it sure as hell isn't best practices for behavior modification. But I came to understand the complex factors that can lead a woman to give a disciplinary spanking. And sometimes she cannot explain them. Accepting that is part of being in a female-led DD. That doesn't mean you shouldn't work for better communication. You should. But women themselves don't always know why they have decided to spank. Let her know you need to know why more clearly, but also let her know you trust her to make that decision.
Alan posted the above
DeleteAlan
(Al here)
ReplyDeleteDan, I know you have often written that after years of being very sound spanked on a regular basis that you have never been brought to sobs - as many of us have (myself included).
It recently occurred to me - following a spanking in which I was genuinely sobbing - that the spanking certainly wasn't in the "very hard" range of a punishment spanking (in which the whacks are so hard that I sometimes struggle not to stop the spanking). And, in fact, during those very hard spankings, I almost never cry - because the pain is so intense that it has my entire attention with no room for emotional reaction. It is during the "merely" hard spankings (that still leave me with a very sore, and well reddened behind - and is most definitely still a real spanking) that I am most likely to sob. Especially if it is a longer spanking (over 100 whacks) and especially if she is scolding me (and my wife is a master at scolding while spanking). I believe the somewhat less intense pain allows me the head space to connect with the experience of emotional submission inherent in a DWC spanking (since the pain is not completely all mentally consuming).
Dan, since you have shared that your spankings are *always* very hard from start to finish, and quite painful - I wonder if there may not be some truth in that for you as well. (Or perhaps not - but the thought occurred to me - so thought I would share it....) --al
** For the record, I do not have the "right" to stop a spanking (I used the phrase in the post above) - as we do practice (consensual) non-consent. She spanks at her complete discretion - as long and as hard as she chooses. However, consensual non-consent not withstanding, in reality we all know that we have the physical ability to get up and walk away from a spanking. And there have been times that I have been challenged to stay within the consensual non-consent framework and get up and walk away. (But I haven't yet - and it's been a couple of decades worth). --al
Hey Al. I suspect you are right and that the intensity of the spanking sometimes actually prevents tears, as it instantly puts me in "man up and get through it" mode. But, as I talked about when I got the two-part spanking a few weeks ago, I did get close to crying on the second spanking, even though it was, in fact, extremely painful. But, for sobbing to happen, and especially for it to become a regular thing, I suspect a less hard, but possibly longer, spanking would be more likely to bring it about. But, the "longer" thing is challenging, because I almost always go numb at some point.
DeleteDan,
DeleteSplitting the spanking into two or more parts reduces the numbing . Possibly 15 minutes corner time or longer, then the spanking resumes. But as al writes, length and impact emotionally during the spanking does it for me-especially when she creates a sense of "panic" that it will never stop. that is totally irrational of course but it does it for me. I just let go to any resistance and crying can happen.
Alan
Alan, I totally get how a sense of panic could me a key to bringing about real crying. When I got close during her recent two-part spanking, I think in part it was about there being a couple of places on my recently spanked butt that were so tender that the level of pain alone caused some near-panic. The challenge is that, for most spankings, my sense of panic seems to go DOWN, not up, the longer it goes on. Some of that is the numbing, but I think it's also about just kind of getting acclimated to the whole thing. Weirdly, I think that's somewhat related to my longstanding meditation practice. It has conditioned me over time to accept whatever is happening, even if it's uncomfortable. It's one reason corner time doesn't work on me at all. I instantly go into a meditative state and standing there just doesn't bother me.
DeleteDan, do you plan on compiling your excellent Medium articles, along with some of the material here, into a book? If so, what would be the themes purpose and organizing structure? Could you discuss that a bit?
ReplyDeleteFor everyone else, do you think there is a need for a book from someone with Dan's writing skills, experience, and perspective?
Tom
A couple of years ago, I did compile some of the material here into a book draft, but it wasn't so mucy my material as the comments. It was arranged topically. I reviewed all 13+ years of comments and chose several of the best or most illustrative for each topic. It was more or less complete, then I got distracted by some life stuff and put it aside. I do need to make an effort to publish it, though I always seem to get distracted by logistics stuff, like how to get appropriate cover art, etc. But, that's really an excuse.
DeleteI have thought about using Medium to essentially write a book about DD, making each article a chapter. It would be non-fiction, and basically a guide for couples who are exploring the lifestyle. The topics would be similar to what we cover here. Why does he want this? What's are the psychological drives? What's in it for her? How to raise the prospect with her. The mechanics: How to conduct a real disciplinary spanking. Instruments. Positions. Etc.
I've also had a couple of fiction books in the back of mind for a LONG time, and even written a chapter or two of one of them. One involves a young lawyer who gets recruited into a firm that secretly uses disciplinary spankings as a motivator and teaching tool. The other is more nebulous, but I've thought about a fictionalized history of the DWC -- something involving a couple who get into DD, then start building a community of couples around them.
I've also played with doing compilations of spanking short stories.
The fact that I have never actually completed any of those probably points to an area where I need some discipline. :-) But in all seriousness, some of it is just a lack of discipline, and some is that, while I enjoy writing, I enjoy a lot of other things too, and especially this time of year my mind starts focusing on motorcycles, van travel, and outdoors stuff. I've literally put probably 100 hours into futzing around with motorcycles, motorcycle gear and planning trips and rides in just the last two weeks. If I were looking at writing as a career and needed it to make money, the discipline might arise. But, I think the chances of making more than beer money from even a very good F/m DD book or books is virtually nil. I have become friends with one very successful writer who is in a M/f dynamic and whose writing is basically romance with a spanking angle. She sells a shit ton of books, and she's given me a lot of advice about writing in this arena. She's always emphasized that if I want to do F/m DD books, I probably need to do it for sheer enjoyment, because the sales of F/m spanking books are just so dismal. I think it's two factors at play: First, she can make a very good living from M/f spankings because there are a hell of a lot more people in that dynamic than in F/m. Second, women buy and read far more books than men do - the combination of men who are into DD and buy books is just pretty damn small.
Dan writes: " ...women buy and read far more books than men do - the combination of men who are into DD and buy books is just pretty damn small."
DeleteOne other factor may come into play. Women who are natural dominants ( yes there are some) or women exploring F/M with their male partners seem little interested in reading F/M material. .My wife may be typical. She read some material early in our relationship but now expresses disinterest in further information. Her typical response is something like " I know that already" and her disciplinary style is intuitive. Essentially she feels she has all the knowledge she needs to be my disciplinarian.
Alan
Thanks for the explanation.
DeleteThe Medium articles do seem like chapters and would work as a book that would certainly fill a need. Much of the nonfiction that is out there on the subject is either poorly written or more in the realm of femdom. The blog compilation would be interesting as well.
I can only speak for myself, but I would be very interested in the fictionalized DWC story. I've read a number of FM spanking novellas, and I've seemed to have exhausted the genre -- at least by the authors I like. I would welcome a new edition, but I understand that there aren't a lot of readers like me, so it may not be worth your time an effort.
Let me know if I can help in any way. I'm no good with art, but I am a retired high school English teacher and freelance magazine writer.
Most of all, do what works for you. Retirement is a time to pursue your passions. If that's motorcycles rather than writing, so be it. But if you decide to finish any of these writing projects, you have a fan here who will be waiting to purchase and consume them.
Tom
Alan, I think there is something to that. Anne too has just never been very interested in reading DD material. I'm not sure why females in these relationships aren't that interested in reading about it, but that doesn't seem to be a thing. I wonder if the same is true for male dominants in M/f dynamics. I suspect it is. There is a Reddit domestic discipline group I follow. It's very heavily tilted toward M/f couples, and probably 90% of the posters are females in those relationships. A few dominants post, but very few.
DeleteThanks, Tom. I appreciate the thoughts, and the offer of help. I agree that there is very little book content out there that isn't Femdom oriented. The situation isn't much better with stories. I subscribe to the Library of Spanking Fiction. There is some F/m DD content on there, but not much. I do think I will publish some stuff at some point. I do enjoy writing. Obviously, otherwise I wouldn't have kept the blog going for 13 years. I think sometimes I let myself get into the mindset that I should be writing on something "bigger" than DD, as I do have ideas for fiction of a more traditional nature. Yet, the fact is, I still keep coming back to reading and writing about DD, week after week. So, it probably would be better to focus on what I clearly do find motivating instead of postulating that I *should* be motivated by something else.
DeleteI have many FM spanking stories at my Patreon site.
DeleteYou need to become a patron at Patreon.com/glenmoretales .
I haven't checked out the Library of Spanking Fiction in a while -- I will give it another look. I tend to be one of the few readers out there that buy spanking novellas and short story collections through Kindle (mostly through LSF Publications). I have a few favorite authors that produce some good stories with character development and well crafted scenes. Let me know if you are interested in recommendations.
DeleteGlenmore, thanks for letting me know. I will check out your site.
Yep, I would definitely be interested in recommendations.
DeleteI’ve posted a number of F/M stories on the Library of Spanking fiction under the pseudonym ‘Teaboy’ . TB
DeleteHere are three novellas I enjoyed: Under Marie's Hands by Anthony Payne, Learning to Love Her Discipline by Jack Crawford, and Tamed by the School Teacher by W. Arthur. Each of these authors also has other story collections or novellas I enjoyed. These are female led domestic discipline romances, and although they sometimes stretch the realm of believability, they are well written and hit all the elements I look for in this genre: well crafted detailed scenes and good character development.
DeleteIf you like audio books there is a series of three books written and narrated by Monica Martin I enjoyed: Danielle's Naughty Neighbor, Danielle's Naughty Boyfriend, and Danielle's Naughty Husband. If you can get past her ridiculous voicing of the male character, you'll be rewarded with a good series that highlights the changes in the relationship of the two main characters due to domestic discipline.
Tom
I'll look for those. I've read other stories by all three of those authors. Another author who posts to LFS is KDPierre. He used to be a frequent poster here, but we had a falling out. It doesn't stop me from liking some of his stories. He has one story titled Pride that I like a lot.
DeleteI haven't really gotten into audio books, but I have a feeling that, with the advent of AI, we are likely to see an explosion in spanking-related audio books and probably shortform videos.
TB, I'll look for those
DeleteThe author I would recommend from LSF is etbyrd. He won't be to everyone's taste as he doesn't really write about adult F/M disciplinary relationships, although I think there might be one that is treated somewhat peripherally.
DeleteFor some of us, a big part of the draw to spanking is the emotional vulnerability and the loss of composure that can occur when someone is on the receiving end of this kind of physical correction. I'm interested in depictions whether fictional or not that portray emotionally intense situations which result in an enduring feeling of having been humbled. There typically isn't enough time given to scolding to really bring out the sense of someone having gotten a serious reality check. The scolding is typically told rather than shown ("She then gave him a hard scolding enumerating all his shortcomings and making clear exactly what the consequences for failing to meet her expectations would be.") while the spanking is shown rather than told. The stories would be better, that is more involving, if this pattern was reversed. It's in the scolding, and also of course the larger narrative setting, that we get a sense of where the character is and will be emotionally.
And with that all having been said, etbyrd writes the best scolding dialogue that I've come across. Most of them feature an exceptionally immature adolescent boy. As is typical of the genre, the situations are pretty contrived, fanciful is probably a better term. But those who are interested in a maternal style dynamic and share my view on the importance of scolding scenes in these sorts of stories, might find them worthwhile.
I'll take a look at his stories. You're right that few spanking stories do justice to the whole scolding aspect.
DeleteAlan wrote: "Essentially she feels she has all the knowledge she needs to be my disciplinarian."
DeleteI left a comment on this topic as well in the following thread initiated by Hermione (before, working my way up, I read similar comments on this thread). Basically, my wife feels exactly the same way. --al
Hi Dan,
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit late with my question, but your previous post got me thinking, and here it is.
Do you have the ability to receive COVID vaccine shots? We have then here twice a year. Ron and I have now had nine each since they first became available, and have never had COVID (touch wood).
Hugs,
Hermione
Hi Hermione. I think this is the fifth time that I've had Covid, and it's the first time that I had not had a recent booster shot. I intended to get one, but I got distracted by a surgery in early winter and just kept forgetting to do it. But, I'm not sure it would have made much difference. My wife did get one, yet she got the infection and passed it on to me. And, for each of my other bouts, I had gotten a shot within a couple of months of getting Covid. The first time I got it, I had gotten the shot within about 6 weeks of going on vacation. I then got infected while in Mexico, testing positive on the day we were supposed to leave. I ended up being quarantined for 11 days, while the three people I was with all managed to test negative and go home on schedule. My body just seems to really like that particular bug. It invites it in at every opportunity and then refuses to make it leave. I believe in vaccines and in the Covid vaccine, but in my personal case it seems to be about as effective as the flu shot, which is basically not at all.
DeleteBut, I'm interested that you get it twice a year. Our recommended schedule in the US has been less frequent than that. Of course, under our current administration, we're basically on our own with respect to vaccine guidance, which explains why a disease like measles, which had been almost entirely eradicated, is now killing and hospitalizing people again.
My other struggle with Covid is that once I have it, I have a very hard time shaking it, and it seems to trigger other problems. I have a history of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and I'm starting to suspect that Covid somehow activates that condition. Even after the other Covid symptoms have gone away, I tend to get wiped out with fatigue and brain fog that feels identical to my CFS symptoms.
Dan,
DeleteMy wife is like yours and never really was into the reading material. When we first started I asked her to check out the DWC website. She obliged, but felt the stories under “real people were far fetched”. She actually used the word corny. In retrospect, some of them are, but she understood the idea or concept. It was much easier for us because we had dabbled in erotic spanking. The tradition made it much easier. I commented above with cal spank, that if my wife just quit tomorrow, I would have a major
Problem with it. We have been doing DD for so long, it has become the norm. Comparing our couple friends, we are much more intimate and close than the others. If they only knew!! Finally, I do feel there is little FM material, because I think we are such a smaller percentage than most people think. I know Al did some numbers, but I respectfully disagree. I just think it’s still way too taboo.
T
When I first read the DWC material, there were stories I enjoyed more than others, but overall they added up to a very compelling depiction of the lifestyle. When I migrated all of them this blog a few months ago, reading each and every one of them in the process, I was struck by just how many in the "Real People" section struck me as pure fiction and/or, as your wife said, corny.
DeleteIf my wife decided to quit tomorrow, I would be disappointed, but I'd probably get on without it. I see it as an important part of my life, but still just a part. But, as things have developed, I think she is probably *at least* as dedicated to it as I am. She doesn't spend nearly as much time reading or thinking about it as I do, but I think she too has come to see as something core to our relationship and, frankly, she gets off on the authority and power it gives her. There have been times that I've wondered whether *I* am done with it, sometimes feeling like I've outgrown it. But, it seems like every time I get to feeling that way, within days I have a big behavioral fail that makes me recognize I still need it. And, I've come to accept that it waxes and wanes and probably always will. My friendship with Aunt Kay's husband helps me recognize that dynamic, because it's happened several times that he's told me he's more or less over that part of his life, then a week later he'll send me a spanking video.
I'm with you on the prevalence of this lifestyle. Alan and I have argued about it for years, and hopefully will for years to come! If it was much of "a thing", I think there would be more obvious indications out there in the visible cultural zeitgeist, and there just aren't many. Now, how will things develop in the future? I don't know. Women are more independent and increasingly exceeding men in the workplace, in academia, etc. But, I don't think that necessarily means they will get more into DD and FLR. In fact, many of us here have the personal experience of having taken on more responsibility and gone further up the success ladder, only to find ourselves wanting to *give up* control, not take on more. But, it could go the other way. I personally find the rise of the incel community and that whole manosphere ilk to indicate that there is a large and growing group of men who certainly feel that women are growing in power over them, and it threatens the hell out of them.
You make a great point about women in leadership roles and the power dynamic of today’s culture. I agree, I don’t feel it necessarily equates to DD. I look at my teenage godchildren. The women are fierce and strong minded. The boyfriends take a back seat to both of them. It’s an attitude we didn’t see in women when younger. Their Mother is more traditional but challenges them to accomplish anything in life. Some would describe them as “bitches”. I see them as, they aren’t putting up with any guys crap. They are both extremely intelligent and will accomplish much in life iwithout a man. Life is definitely different than when we grew up. Your statement about growing out of this resonates with me. I ask myself at times if this is just stupid and childness. I go through spurts, but I also realize how much more voice my wife has since starting this. Her confidence in life has grown as well. My attitude has changed and my relationship has grown. Many of our friends relationships have had problems. Ours has stayed the course.
DeleteT
My own daughters are like you describe, though I see them as fitting on different sides of the DD line were they to ever discover and get interested in it. They are both very high performing, but is pretty high-strung and domineering - traits she gets from me. Her husband's role often consists of talking her off whatever emotional ledge she's put herself on. The other has her own kind of intensity, but she's more focused and balanced. But, she can be very goal-oriented and directed. When she met her future husband, he had some aspirations that weren't realistic at that stage, and she basically made it very clear that she wasn't interested in a relationship with someone who wasn't goal-directed and working toward a successful career. I could see the first daughter actually doing better with a strong-willed husband who could put down some boundaries, while the other definitely could be the "top" in a relationship where the power was not distributed at all evenly.
DeleteI don't know that I ever think of DD as stupid, though I do think about whether it merits the amount of attention I give it, including whether hours spent on this blog are kind of a waste of life. But, the reality is, it's something that continues to compel my attention, and it's one of the few creative outlets I have, as I'm not naturally talented in anything like art or music, and I don't have a hobby (other than motorcycles, which is pretty seasonal where we live) or "side hustle" that lights me up. And, I'm like you in that, while this began largely with me wanting to correct my own behavior and improve myself, over time I think the big impact has been on my wife's confidence and personal growth. Especially over the last two or three years, her assertiveness has grown by leaps and bounds, and I am very confident that would not have happened without DD.
(Al here) At the very beginning of our DWC relationship, my wife did read the DWC website "cover to cover" as well a few other DWC-related articles and stories on other web sites. We also spent some time exploring Elaine Sutton's femdom site that had a respectable following in the day - but we quickly ruled out most of it. Neither of us cared for the idea of enforced chastity or feminization, but my wife did adopt the occasional use of anal discipline that she encountered there (pegging, plugs, etc).
DeleteHowever after that initial research during the first few months, she essentially decided that she had learned what she needed to know and there was no need for further research.
I suspect that many of our DWC wives have a similar outlook. They appreciate having a better behaved, more attentive husband. And some may find that they enjoy spanking for the sake of spanking (my wife does). However, they don't seem to have a particular need or desire to spend a lot of time processing about it - or dwelling on the subject per se (reading books, article, engaging on forums). Obviously there are always exception to any generalization. --al
T wrote : " ... do feel there is little FM material, because I think we are such a smaller percentage than most people think. I know Al did some numbers, but I respectfully disagree. I just think it’s still way too taboo."
Delete--------------------------
Paradoxically, Your thinking that it is "still way too taboo" is why you think it is rare. When folks believe behavior,especially sexual behavior,is "taboo",they hide it because they think it is taboo to most people. In plain English: when folks feel they are a slim majority, be it behavior or opinions,they conceal it lest they be criticized,looked down on or ostracized. Its very normal behavior. It explains for example why Trump's real support was so difficult to poll for before 2016. Many supporters did not want to admit to it because they feared the social stigma from supporting him
Alan
Alan,
DeleteWhen I say “taboo” maybe that’s the wrong analogy. Think about this blog, Dan literally has carried on for so many years. There is no other blog on the web like this one. When you google FM DD, it’s always the same material. There is nothing new. The limited number of videos on spank tube regarding FM discipline, from the same producers. I can go on and on. I wish that it became more mainstream. Dan reiterates that so many contributors have left the site, who knows, passed away, left the lifestyle, ect. Most men contributing here are over 55. I’m probably, if I had to guess the youngest on the site. There are no twenty and thirty year olds. Dan makes a great point about maturity and blending a DD lifestyle. You are correct in your assessment, that I’ve hidden my DD. I have no idea how my family and friends would react. To be honest with you, I think they would feel it’s just kink. You get spanked, yeah good for you. My wife has no desire to share our lifestyle with any of our friends. I do feel though even if hidden, there would be so many more contributors on this site. It’s a great outlet for those to share their experiences surrounding “our thing”. I’m not trying to be a negative Nelly, just being realistic.
T
To me, something could seem rare because we and others hide it. Or, it could seem rare because it *is* rare. Either is a possibility. But, for the former to be the case, I think one would need to explain why other kinks--some of which seem *at least* as taboo as spanking--appear in things like the top 25 search terms on Pornhub, while spanking does not.
DeleteAnother data point is Reddit. I took a look yesterday. There are actually quite a few--several dozen--communities focused on spanking. The busiest get around 70,000 visits a week. But, based on the titles, only one of those focuses on women spanking men (and it's expressly linked to Femdom) and none focus on DD. There are only two groups on all of Reddit focused on DD. The busiest gets about 4K visits a week, but if you look at the posts and comments, the vast majority are by women in M/f dynamics.
So, I don't dispute that adult erotic spanking itself is fairly popular. But, narrowing the filter to DD probably reduces that by *at least* 90%, then narrowing it to F/m results in an even larger reduction. I don't have any emotional commitment to this remaining a small niche, and I'm totally fine being proven wrong. But, I remain unconvinced that if there is some large hidden group of F/m DD couples, that it wouldn't show up in some fairly obvious way on common culturally relevant platforms that do contain other embarrassing, taboo kinks. And, I just don't see any real evidence of that.
My wife Lauren and I have been in FLR with DD F/m for a little more than 3 years now. My behavior has vastly improved and while far from perfect there are weeks where there really isn’t much to discuss in our weekly Sunday check in that is then followed by a spanking for the discussed infractions. Recently when there have been no infractions we have had a “funishment” as a reward. The “funishment” was ok, but neither of us know much about BDSM. I would love to explore it and believe it could be a great motivator for having good behavior and earning the reward. More commonly and only recently on weeks that have been really good or near perfect She talks to me about past transgressions that have really hurt her. Before FLR I could be brash, arrogant, rude, and even mean or bullying. I used to call names during arguments. FLR has completely fixed that. Lauren is a very attractive woman and does not and never has had a weight problem, but for some reason years ago I had made comments about Her weight and basically engaged in “body shaming”. This caused Her a lot of pain. I also called Her out on numerous occasions for being too lenient in Her parenting of our sons. Our sons turned in to successful, caring, compassionate men, and we are both very happy with and proud of them. They are that way largely because of Her parenting style. This criticism also causes Lauren pain even still. So, on “perfect” weeks She has started talking to me and scolding me during the spanking for these past misdeeds. I have to state during the punishment that “I will not body shame, that body shaming another person is always wrong”, and also “Your parenting skills are why we have such wonderful sons.” I find that this is intensely moving for me and She has said that during the spanking She actually enjoys it and feels a sense of satisfaction and power that is healing. I have educated myself on somatic therapy (addressing past trauma through the body using sensual touch and pain), and I think that we are in a way practicing this technique through spanking and scolding and reciting the statements that resonate for me during the act.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the spanking has to have meaning and otherwise is just a beating at least for me. Addressing past issues is healing for both of us and provides a sense of closure, healing and catharsis. I think we will continue to explore this on those weeks where otherwise a spanking would not be necessary. Intimacy and sex almost always follow a spanking. For us it is a time to be close, completely open with each other and it allows for an opportunity to take all defenses down and reclaim our true selves and to express the true, real love we feel for each other. For me especially it is a time and space to escape the Patriarchy that is so engrained and embraced by not only men but especially women in our culture and really throughout the world. I am so grateful that we found this lifestyle. I wish we had found it much earlier, but better late than never!
Hi Jackson. There are a lot of interesting points here. I find that my need for accountability on particular issues usually has a pretty short shelf life. If something isn't dealt with in about a week, I'm over it. But, I'm not sure that would be the case where hurting other people is concerned. I think I'm generally a nice person, and while I can "out asshole" anyone if they start it, I try very hard to never "punch down", i.e. to attack people who aren't peers or above and able to fight back and then some, and I generally try not to hurt anyone without cause. But, we all make mistakes, and I do have a temper. On those occasions where I have said or done something that I know was hurtful and uncalled for, those things do tend to stick with me for a much longer time. So, I can see how going back and addressing old behavior that fits in that category could give sufficient meaning to a spanking that it would still satisfy my need for accountability. And, while I don't really carry grudges myself, my wife certainly does, and I can see how dealing with some past hurtful conduct would be meaningful for her.
DeleteIt does sound like you and your wife have some great communication skills around this stuff.
I definitely appreciate the tension around different parenting styles. I'm of the "they get one warning, then let them touch the hot stove because they'll learn" philosophy. My wife is much more protective. I'm not sure my kids would have survived childhood with me as sole parent, and they definitely owe much of the good things they are to my wife's heavy involvement and attention.
Your comment on the sense of intimacy that makes sex a good fit after discipline is very much in line with my own feelings. I totally get the thinking behind separating sex and discipline, so the sex doesn't become an indirect reward and doesn't make the discipline overly erotic, but in our case I do think there is a clear separation. The spanking actually enables discussions about the relationship when we are in bed afterward that we really don't have outside that context
The concept of retrospective chastisement is one I could get on board with so thank you Jackson. In a perfect environment Mrs GL would alternate between wrongs since we met (23 years worth not counting acquaintance years) and those before her (although the latter would have to be self-confessed and not cause my well-being to suffer being reminded of). Cheers GLM.
DeleteJackson, it sounds like you and your wife have found a similiar path to the one that we have taken r.e. how we practice our DD. We both look at it as reparenting, and scolding is often a part of the spanking. She has come to it naturally, with no encouragement needed from me. Lately there are some weeks where there has been no bad behavior. Maintenance spanking would be part of every check in for at least 4 years, but recently, I suggested it might be better to simply leave it up to her. We haven't refered to it as funishment, but she knows that I simply do better when I am spanked on a regular basis. This also increases her authority, which is fundamental to our DD. My behavior has improved dramatically thanks to our commitment to DD. I am much less macho, and more considerate about her desires than I used to be, and have shared about that in past posts here. Like you, I wish we had discovered DD earlier. I used to believe I was just into spanking, but DD has proven to be infinitely more rewarding for me, because it really is a lifestyle, and not just kinky fun. It has made me more thoughtful and less selfish, and she is more assertive and outspoken. We are both much happier and more intimate than many other couples we know.
DeleteI sometimes wish we had discovered DD earlier, though I'm not sure that it would have worked if we had. I'm pretty confident that my wife had to first reach a certain level of maturity before she could take on her role and, when we first met, frankly, she wasn't there. And, neither was I. I first had to get to certain level of self-awareness about how my lack of self-discipline was harmful.
DeleteAll that said, I think that by by mid-20s (and maybe earlier), had I met an older woman who was into DD, she probably could have imposed it on me. I didn't have any inkling of that at the time, but I now get that my early attraction to older women was really an attraction to their authority and potential power.
Dam,
DeleteI’ve spoke about this on your blog before. I wish I had met my wife in my mid twenties. She is a bit older than me. My wife’s maturity level is way ahead of me. I needed that structure then and would have welcomed it from her. Dan, I’ve always been attracted to older women. I had a crush on two of my teachers for as long as I remember.
T